19 answers

HELP! My Husband Will Not Stop the Critisim to My Daughters Boyfriend.

Hi! Moms I need some advise! My fourteen year old Daughter( who is very mature for her age) has a 15 year old boyfriend and they have been dating for 6 months. In all aspects that I see he treats her like a queen and she tells me he is very courtious of her feelings on everything including intimacy (NO they have not had sex or anything even close...). My husband in the mean time cannot seem to trust her or him and makes it very uncomfortable for everyone when he comes over to visit. My daughter in turn is devistated and is getting to the point where she doesnt want to bring him over anymore because of how her dad acts! I dont blame her!!! But I enjoy having him over and spending time with the both of them very much and dont want to loose that relationship. What do I do?????

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

You MOM's are awesome!!!! I have never felt so much better since I have heard from you!!!! Your advise is wonderful and I totally agree!!! I have already talked to him and he is SLOWLY tring to get better, but as you said it is very hard for him , and he does know what boys that age are thinking...Very understandable. With some time I think he will get better but until then I commend this boyfriend for hanging in there and putting up with it :) That actually makes me feel even better about their relationship that he really does care about her :) Thanks everyone! You guys are GREAT!!

More Answers

I agree with your husband. She should not be dating at all at that age. And how do you know that she has not had sex. You really think she would tell you. Why would you let or want her to date at such an early age? Kids are having sex at an younger age than her, don't you know that.

2 moms found this helpful

well fathers in general don't trust any boys around their daughters. maybe you should ask your husband to keep his opinions to himself when the boyfriend is around because the only person that he is hurting by these rude remarks is his own daughter. Tell him that if he wants to keep having a good relationship with his daughter the he is going to have to accept the fact that she is getting older and has a life outside of you and him, and the only thing thats going to happen if this continues is that she is going to start alienating him because of how he is with her boyfriends. hope this helps a little. and also do outside activities with your daughter and her boyfriend if you have to.

2 moms found this helpful

Good Morning K., Maybe your hubby thinks 14 is a young to date and is trying to make them both so uncomfortable they will stop. That said which was probably off the wall, :)) The more my parents disliked my b/f's the more I liked them. Even if I didn't really care for them that much, if mom said something negative, I said MORE positive.

I know each person's maturity levels are different but when I saw she was 14 I went Whaaaaaat?? Do they Car date, meaning since he is 16 does he drive them to movies or to get a burger? Or are they with others? Parents drop off pick up thing? Do they just go to school functions?

I hope I am not coming off as judgemental, just seems a little young to be doing what we call dating. I didn't date until I was 16, then it was double dating for about 6 months, still I was in by 11.

Any way the more you say negative things about him or them the more they seem to draw closer, even if they don't want too. They never see the bad parts. He sounds like a nice young man, in your and your daughters eyes.

God Bless hope other Mama's have better advice.
K. Nana of 5

2 moms found this helpful

If you don't let them see each other together in your home they are going to find somewhere to be together. Your daughter sounds like a great kid but just remember she is a teenager. Don't be naive! Communication is key. Do you know his parents? Just remember that the rules that apply at your house may not be the same as what is OK at his house. Your husband should be glad that they want to hang out at your house. At least you can check on them at any time you want. Good luck! The teenage years are just beginning!

2 moms found this helpful

Well, my opinion is that if you want them to hang out where they are under your watchful eye, you better make your home welcome for them. If no, then they may go elsewhere and who knows what they might try.

2 moms found this helpful

time for Dad to control his need to be in control. Being critical will only hurt himself & diminish his value.

That said, I agree with the other posters! Why is your daughter dating soooo young???

& one other thing jumps out at me: your statement that the BF treats your daughter like a queen & respects her on the issue of intimacy. Ummm, excuse me, remember Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver.....of course, that's how he's going to behave around you! & of course, that's how your daughter is going to defend him/protect him. Watch out, Mom, you're getting sucked in!

Doesn't matter how much you trust your daughter or the BF, a reality check would be "if they're dating unsupervised, then there is always the chance that something adult could happen". All it takes is one moment of weakness or passion, depending on how you look at it.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow it is probably hard for dad to get used to the age and dating I know I am. That is young. I would not say boyfriend but guy friend. you say no sex, ok you are kidding me that she would tell you. Have you been on the internet and hear what kids do. Oral sex is more than the traditional way at this age. I know you want to trust her BUT dont put your guard down. I am glad to see they are where you can monitor them. He will treat her good around you. And perhaps he does away. remember Eddie Haskil from leave it to Beaver. Explain to dad it is better for you to monitor than her sneek behind and then no telling. You have to keep the doors of communication open. Tell dad give him a break until he has a reason to come down, or she will resent him and switch to someone he really wont want her involved in. I hope you have boundaries where she entertains him, no bedroom no closed doors no kissing ect...if not you are inviting problems. remember this is the age to learn how to communicate with the opposite sex not have a steady one.

1 mom found this helpful

Talk to your husband! Try to find out specifically what he doesn't like about the young man. I would definitely point out to him that "a bird in hand..." and that you don't want to drive them away into secrecy beyond your home. Even if your husband doesn't like the kid, make them feel welcome at home or they *will* start sneaking around to see each other & you don't want that.
I think it's pretty common for fathers of daughters to think no boy is going to be good enough for their little girl, but it's important not to let wanting the best for your daughter drive a wedge between you and her. I've always suspected that most fathers of girls remember what *they* were like as teenagers & want to protect their daughters from boys in general. <G>
Criticizing her boyfriend to his face is not only rude, it WILL alienate your daughter--she is of an age where her friends & their opinions are becoming more important to her than yours, at least on the surface. Pointing out all the boy's faults to your daughter won't make her see the light either, just make her defensive & start to put walls up to shut you out. If there are legitimate concerns about the kid, something more substantial than not liking his haircut (or lack of) then talk to your daughter about your concerns for her well-being, but try to do so without attacking her boyfriend because she will side with him & you really don't want that.
Remind you husband that you WANT your daughter to feel free to bring her friends and boyfriends home, because if she doesn't she'll feel forced to see them behind your backs & you really do not want that.
Take the opportunity to befriend the young man, find out what makes him tick, what his interests are, etc. and try to be friends with him for your daughter's sake.

Best wishes,
Grandma D., mother of two grown daughters (so we've been there, done that, believe me!)

1 mom found this helpful

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