19 answers

HELP! My Husband Will Not Stop the Critisim to My Daughters Boyfriend.

Hi! Moms I need some advise! My fourteen year old Daughter( who is very mature for her age) has a 15 year old boyfriend and they have been dating for 6 months. In all aspects that I see he treats her like a queen and she tells me he is very courtious of her feelings on everything including intimacy (NO they have not had sex or anything even close...). My husband in the mean time cannot seem to trust her or him and makes it very uncomfortable for everyone when he comes over to visit. My daughter in turn is devistated and is getting to the point where she doesnt want to bring him over anymore because of how her dad acts! I dont blame her!!! But I enjoy having him over and spending time with the both of them very much and dont want to loose that relationship. What do I do?????

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

You MOM's are awesome!!!! I have never felt so much better since I have heard from you!!!! Your advise is wonderful and I totally agree!!! I have already talked to him and he is SLOWLY tring to get better, but as you said it is very hard for him , and he does know what boys that age are thinking...Very understandable. With some time I think he will get better but until then I commend this boyfriend for hanging in there and putting up with it :) That actually makes me feel even better about their relationship that he really does care about her :) Thanks everyone! You guys are GREAT!!

More Answers

I agree with your husband. She should not be dating at all at that age. And how do you know that she has not had sex. You really think she would tell you. Why would you let or want her to date at such an early age? Kids are having sex at an younger age than her, don't you know that.

2 moms found this helpful

well fathers in general don't trust any boys around their daughters. maybe you should ask your husband to keep his opinions to himself when the boyfriend is around because the only person that he is hurting by these rude remarks is his own daughter. Tell him that if he wants to keep having a good relationship with his daughter the he is going to have to accept the fact that she is getting older and has a life outside of you and him, and the only thing thats going to happen if this continues is that she is going to start alienating him because of how he is with her boyfriends. hope this helps a little. and also do outside activities with your daughter and her boyfriend if you have to.

2 moms found this helpful

Good Morning K., Maybe your hubby thinks 14 is a young to date and is trying to make them both so uncomfortable they will stop. That said which was probably off the wall, :)) The more my parents disliked my b/f's the more I liked them. Even if I didn't really care for them that much, if mom said something negative, I said MORE positive.

I know each person's maturity levels are different but when I saw she was 14 I went Whaaaaaat?? Do they Car date, meaning since he is 16 does he drive them to movies or to get a burger? Or are they with others? Parents drop off pick up thing? Do they just go to school functions?

I hope I am not coming off as judgemental, just seems a little young to be doing what we call dating. I didn't date until I was 16, then it was double dating for about 6 months, still I was in by 11.

Any way the more you say negative things about him or them the more they seem to draw closer, even if they don't want too. They never see the bad parts. He sounds like a nice young man, in your and your daughters eyes.

God Bless hope other Mama's have better advice.
K. Nana of 5

2 moms found this helpful

If you don't let them see each other together in your home they are going to find somewhere to be together. Your daughter sounds like a great kid but just remember she is a teenager. Don't be naive! Communication is key. Do you know his parents? Just remember that the rules that apply at your house may not be the same as what is OK at his house. Your husband should be glad that they want to hang out at your house. At least you can check on them at any time you want. Good luck! The teenage years are just beginning!

2 moms found this helpful

Well, my opinion is that if you want them to hang out where they are under your watchful eye, you better make your home welcome for them. If no, then they may go elsewhere and who knows what they might try.

2 moms found this helpful

time for Dad to control his need to be in control. Being critical will only hurt himself & diminish his value.

That said, I agree with the other posters! Why is your daughter dating soooo young???

& one other thing jumps out at me: your statement that the BF treats your daughter like a queen & respects her on the issue of intimacy. Ummm, excuse me, remember Eddie Haskell from Leave it to Beaver.....of course, that's how he's going to behave around you! & of course, that's how your daughter is going to defend him/protect him. Watch out, Mom, you're getting sucked in!

Doesn't matter how much you trust your daughter or the BF, a reality check would be "if they're dating unsupervised, then there is always the chance that something adult could happen". All it takes is one moment of weakness or passion, depending on how you look at it.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow it is probably hard for dad to get used to the age and dating I know I am. That is young. I would not say boyfriend but guy friend. you say no sex, ok you are kidding me that she would tell you. Have you been on the internet and hear what kids do. Oral sex is more than the traditional way at this age. I know you want to trust her BUT dont put your guard down. I am glad to see they are where you can monitor them. He will treat her good around you. And perhaps he does away. remember Eddie Haskil from leave it to Beaver. Explain to dad it is better for you to monitor than her sneek behind and then no telling. You have to keep the doors of communication open. Tell dad give him a break until he has a reason to come down, or she will resent him and switch to someone he really wont want her involved in. I hope you have boundaries where she entertains him, no bedroom no closed doors no kissing ect...if not you are inviting problems. remember this is the age to learn how to communicate with the opposite sex not have a steady one.

1 mom found this helpful

Talk to your husband! Try to find out specifically what he doesn't like about the young man. I would definitely point out to him that "a bird in hand..." and that you don't want to drive them away into secrecy beyond your home. Even if your husband doesn't like the kid, make them feel welcome at home or they *will* start sneaking around to see each other & you don't want that.
I think it's pretty common for fathers of daughters to think no boy is going to be good enough for their little girl, but it's important not to let wanting the best for your daughter drive a wedge between you and her. I've always suspected that most fathers of girls remember what *they* were like as teenagers & want to protect their daughters from boys in general. <G>
Criticizing her boyfriend to his face is not only rude, it WILL alienate your daughter--she is of an age where her friends & their opinions are becoming more important to her than yours, at least on the surface. Pointing out all the boy's faults to your daughter won't make her see the light either, just make her defensive & start to put walls up to shut you out. If there are legitimate concerns about the kid, something more substantial than not liking his haircut (or lack of) then talk to your daughter about your concerns for her well-being, but try to do so without attacking her boyfriend because she will side with him & you really don't want that.
Remind you husband that you WANT your daughter to feel free to bring her friends and boyfriends home, because if she doesn't she'll feel forced to see them behind your backs & you really do not want that.
Take the opportunity to befriend the young man, find out what makes him tick, what his interests are, etc. and try to be friends with him for your daughter's sake.

Best wishes,
Grandma D., mother of two grown daughters (so we've been there, done that, believe me!)

1 mom found this helpful

Men! lol they all are overprotective and stubborn when it comes to their babies although you wonder half the time why especially when we do the hard work;)

Seriously though I think its time to sit him down and talk to him. Obviously he is remembering what he was like at that age we all do. But I would point out his behavior is going to end up pushing your daughter away instead of the boyfriend. tell him as much as being protective is a good thing it can be over done and that if it keeps happening she won't talk to either of you about any boyfriend. Remind him of the consequences of that happening. I.E a future boyfriend who turn out to be abusive but she won't let you know because she can't stand the critisism from him. After all I've seen this happen or else she just plain won't talk to either of you again and ends up doing things she regrets or end up pregnant.

It is great you can talk to her I can clearly remember I never could talk to either of my parents. In fact I had to learn about sex from friends and about periods from the school. So good for you for being active in your kids life. Plus don't let the judgmental people upset you.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm guessing she is your only daughter or at least the first one dating. I had my first b/f @ that age & what I did was my mom picked me up from school on wednsdays then went to pick him up to take us to steak 'n' shake for an after school snack. She actually brought books & mags for herself & sat across the resteraunt to give us privacy but she'd have him over for bbq's & things like that. Me being into cars, my dad didn't like him very much or at least didn't show much interest until I told him that he surprised me by taking me to a car show & them stealing me away to Swing Around Fun Town for the rest of the evening to hit the batting cages & drive the go carts. We actually dated for most of high school ( I was the elder by one year) & are still friends today (we are now in our mid 20's). He's just worried about his little girl. try sitting him down and talking to him about his anxieties with this kid so you can nip this problem in the bud. If it's that he just doesn't want his little princess to date yet & this is his form of protest, just tell him that he doesn't have to be involved in their activities at all & you just worry about cultivating your relationship with the two of them. I think if he sees that his actions are doing more harm than good, he should come around and give the poor kid a chance to make his little gal happy. Hope it all works out.

1 mom found this helpful

Dad has a right to worry. My best friends' daughter had a boyfriend at 14 and she is the most "watchful" mom I know. Regardless, somehow, 8 months later, her daughter who "wasn't having sex or even kissing" (as she stated daily, ended up pregnant and now my friend is a grandma of a bouncing baby boy.
14 is too young to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. No kid that age should be spending personal time with and calling someone a boyfriend. They see each other every day at school and that should be enough. I think dad is right on the money. Kids should not be allowed to date or get into "outside of school" relationships until they are at least 16 and even then, you have to be very careful. It's no time to be your daughters friend or worry about making her mad. Believe me, you think they are not doing anything but it's only a matter of time.

1 mom found this helpful

You should have a serious talk with your husband and make sure he knows that he is seriously damaging his relationship with his daughter. His concerns are valid, but he must find a better way to handle the situation. He will only drive her to rebel and turn away from both of you. Teenagers date and they will date behind your back if you force them to. Keep the lines of communication open. Maybe make him read a book...?

http://www.amazon.com/Dads-Daughters-Inspire-Understand-D...

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like to me "Dad" is thinking back about himself at that age. If U have that trust with U'r daughter at this age U definitely don't want to lose that.That is very special.!! If U have already tried to reason with Dad;asked him why he doesnt trust them together; or like the boyfriend, etc. Then it sounds like Dad might be jealous of any boyfriend because their stealing "his" baby's attention & devotion. Good luck...

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that fourteen is too young to be dating, and she may be feeding you a line about the intimacy... I think your husband is trying to show you both how much he disapproves of the situation.

It's great that she is dating someone who seems nice and it's great that you enjoy his company, but there are so many more important things she could be doing with her life right now.

Have a chat with hubby and see if you can all find a happy medium with this. I'd hate for your family to head into a conflict over a fourteen year old's puppy love.

1 mom found this helpful

I can see your point COMPLETELY. So ignore all the horrible mom comments. Ask your husband if he'd rather that she see him behind your back or without supervision. (I should note here, that I made the mistake of saying no without compromise and it came back to bite me.)
At her age she should know what your values are and what you expect of her (though she should still definately be supervised). In order to keep her trust and keep her confiding in you, you MUST make your home a comfortable and safe place for her and her friends to be.
It is perfectly acceptable for your husband to let the boy know where he stands, but unless he wants to alienate his daughter, he had better find a middle ground. Set the limits, YES. But if he continues to treat them as if they are doing something wrong, he's likely to give them "ideas". Give them time but let them know you are watching and can come in at any moment.
You and dad must show her that you trust her to make the right decisions and not give her a reason to go behind your back for what she wants. Don't accuse her of a crime unless she has comitted it (or the boy for that matter). Sit her down and let her know what is and isn't okay. Be open about your concerns and give her a chance to explain how she feels. 14 is young, but when is her life going to be hers? It isn't far off... Teach her now.
Being a dad doesn't have to mean scaring every boy off. Let those boys know Dad is there and isn't going away, but that you're confident you've raised your baby right. (And remind dad that the REAL teenager issues are still a year or two off...He needs to save his energy...lol :D). Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K., First of you have to cut dad a little slack - he knows how 15 year old boys think. And don't think for a minute that if your daughter waivered and let him go a little further that boy wouldn't jump at the chance. Just a funny on that, my Uncle who is a Deacon and one of the men I respect the most had this conversation with my Aunt, she said to him, You mean if I would have let you back when we where 16 (they have been together forever!) you would have had sex with me?! He said heck yeah in a minute - and then reminded her that he may have been raised to have the respect and he did, she said no and he respcted that and didn't question it. But he said, he was a teenage boy and that's what they think about. So let dad know that the boy is respectful of your daughter, but if they are just going to hang out it's best for them to be there, where they are not alone. Because being alone the hormones start and the brain stops. On both boy and girl. So they are going to find a way to be together, better under your watchful eye then alone somewhere. Also remind him that he was a teenager and that what was better, being around the grils parents or away from the girls parents. Nothing kills a mood like a mom and dad! Good luck and God Bless!!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband is exactly as Rosemarie described, however, I don't really like my daughter's boyfriend either. I means he's okay, but I would rather he not be with my daughter. I do try to make him feel comfortable mostly b/c my husband is being so judgemental. My daughter is 19 though, it wasn't any different when she was younger we didn't like them either. At 14 I would try to re-direct her interest. Just like you do with a toddler, if you think of it they do kind of behave that way at this age. lol. There are things out there for her to be involed in. My daughter never did fit into any of them, however, we tried. What we did find that she fit into was Job's Daughters. It's kind of like the Masons. It teaches them life skills such as planing organizing and giving back to the community. As far as your husband goes, I going to watch to see with everyone says, b/c I'm in your shoes there!

Good Luck,
I feel your pain!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think your husband is ready for this relationship and its not unreasonable for him to say she is too young or he isn't ready and for her not to be dating. My daughter is 17 now. I didn't let her start until she was 15, which I would have preferred at 16, but I bent on the rule. She has plenty of time in her life to date, slow her down until your husband is comfortable.

I didn't read the other responses but I read your follow up and I sure wouldn't feel like I needed to explain my parenting to a bunch of judgemental women. :)
I know exactly how your daughter feels, when I was 15 I was "dating" a boy and when he took me home from school one day, my dad was home, so I introduced them and my boyfriend stuck out his hand to shake my dads hand and my dad just looked at it. Uggh, I was MORTIFIED, but I got over it. My dad never liked ANY of my boyfriends, he didn't even like my husband at first(loves him now). I don't think your husband will ever be ready for his little girl to grow up, some men are just that way.

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