HELP, My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy!

I agree with the other poster that your husband could be depressed. I certainly think there is something going on with him. A heart-to-heart talk would start things off - preferably when he hasn't been drinking or has had a drink.

((((Hugs)))

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Ever read any of the Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus series? I am reading the one called Together Forever. I am going through a very similiar situation and much of the advice given in this book is hitting it right on the head. I have a 7 and 13 year old. The less we all talk, the "happier" my hubby claims to be. I'm learning that alot of times men just don't know how to respond, esp. when kids are involved, and they just find it easier to retreat. I've already tried a couple of the "tactics" to help give my husband a little push towards coming out, and it worked. Maybe it'll help you!
I'm sure the library has it, but it was about $14. at Barnes & Noble.

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"The problem is, I am no longer his companion, but the beer can is."

Those are your words. If you truly believe this is the problem then you may have more of a problem than him "driving you crazy." If I were you, I would take a long hard look to see if he truly is sharing his life with a "beer can". If he is, then I do believe that this is where you begin to make the improvements for your entire family.

I wish you peace,
K.

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Hi M.,

I noted your comment that he is friendly with his "beer can". How much alcohol is your husband consuming that you are observing?
Is alcohol a part of the isolation?
You seem to be describing a man who is escaping from something. And who hasn't found the courage to face up to what it or who it is. And may be finding solace in alcohol.

What I can suggest is that you approach the problem in an as objective and non emotional, non accusatory, non blaming way as possible, because if you come off as being hostile or accusatory and talking about your needs or expectations etc., you will blow him away.

The easiest format might be along the lines of, and do this when he is not drunk or under the influence, by the way, is to say this: "I'd like to talk to you for five minutes or less. And when I say this I literally mean five minutes timed by the clock. When can we do this?"

Then when you have the appointment, try this format.
"I am feeling scared and worried when you choose to spend time alone without me or the kids in activities and I wish that you would spend time with us."

AND THAT IS ALL YOU SAY. PERIOD.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER OR ANNOYANCE.
TALK ABOUT YOUR SOFT FEELINGS. YOUR SCARE AND WORRY.

AND THEN JUST WAIT AND SEE WHAT HE SAYS.
AND WHEN HE DOES TALK, ALL THAT YOU DO IS SIMPLY
SUMMARIZE BACK TO HIM WHAT HE HAS SAID TO MAKE SURE THAT
HE UNDERSTANDS YOU. YOU CAN ALSO SUMMARIZE BACK TO HIM
WHAT FEELINGS HE SAYS HE IS HAVING.

THAT'S ALL.

DO NOT SHARE YOUR CONCERNS ETC. THAT IS YOUR ISSUE, AND THE
PURPOSE OF THIS CONVERSATION IS FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND HIM,
AND BY SO DOING, HOPEFULLY, HE MIGHT COME TO UNDERSTAND
HIMSELF BETTER....AND THEN, MAYBE, YOU TWO CAN PLAN ANOTHER
FIVE MINUTE CONVERSATION TO FIGURE OUT A PLAN.

R.

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I am sorry to say but it sounds like your husband is depressed. Haven't you ever seen the commercials on TV about depression. He has all the symptoms they describe according to your message. Find out more info about depression and share the signs with your husband. Then talk to him about going for help.

J.

depression and life have a way of rearing their ugly faces in really bad ways. your husband may seem "normal", but depression can cause someone to retreat from all of the people and things that they have loved in the past. maybe he feels overwhelmed by his job, finances, responsibilities, kids, and being the man that u fell in luv with.
try planning a surprise date for him. get a sitter...make dinner plans...plan something fun (maybe something that u used to do before kids...and book a hotel room (if u cannot book a hotel room, do something really special and romantic in your own home). even better...send the kids to the grandparents and plan a whole weekend. be a tourist in your own town for a couple of days. find some unique way to give him an invitation to your date.
maybe if u do all of the planning, he might be more apt to come along. if the first date works, try it again.
nothing rekindles a marriage like dating again.
good luck!
btw...i have been married for ten years. my husband has spent the past year losing his short and long term memory. i have been "dating" him all over again, so that he has the chance to get to know me like he used to. trust me...it is the type of thing that changes your priorities and perspective in life.

While the beer can might be part of the problem is it possible that he is ill? Urge him to see a doctor. Plus what kind of job does he have? If it's physical maybe he's just truly tired and that beer can helps relax him. If he's fatigued urge him to start taking vitamins if he doesn't already do so or perhaps a vitamin water instead of a beer can. He might be going through a phase, too. Good luck. I am sure it is difficult.

It is possible that he has addiction issues. Alcoholics and other addicts have a difficult time forming close relationships. I am sorry for you and your kids, though. His behavior must make you feel very lonely. If you suspect alcoholism, there are groups to help the families cope better. But I don't really know your full story. If you don't think this is the problem, perhaps it is a medical issue as others have suspected. Or maybe a family vacation is in order.

I can relate!!!!! I recently decided and told him that I wasnt going to sit on the couch with him and wither away and went back to living my life. It's probably not what the marriage counselors would suggest but it's either that or divorce.

Please try to get him to his physician. He sounds depressed and needs help in sorting out his life and his relationship to the "beer can". I know - I have been there. I went for treatment and have been sober and enjoying my family for 18 years.

He sounds depressed. My hubby's dad did the same thing. It's a lot harder for men to admit depression and get help for some reason. My hubby has a lot of anger towards his dad now bc he was never involved in their lives, he just sat in front of the tv. Pls encourage him to get help while there is still time to be had with his family.

My suggetion to you is to find his intrest and combine yours with his. Since you mention the beer can has become his companion spice things up by dressing in the color of his favorite brand an dpin the name and logo on you and ask him to take a swig of this life size can (ha, ha). Also on a serious note designate a once a week date night allowing both of you to bring different place or adventure to the table. Most importantly become friends again. I am a mother of four 20,17,15,10 and have been married for fifteen years. My husband and I have date nights during the week and I still demand family time from my children and husband and you should do the same it keeps the marriage and family connected and grounded

Hi M.,
Many people who suffer from depression self medicate with either alchohol, drugs or both. You need to tell him that he needs to get help or you & the kids will leave. I know this sounds harsh, but he is not going to change unless he knows how serious the problem is. Let him know that you & the kids will be there for him & support him only if he gets help.

Hi M.,

I agree pretty much with what everyone is saying, your husband may be depressed and may not even realize why he feels this way. I don't mean to scare you but when there has been a drastic change in behavior and being withdrawn you need to be concered about suicide. This happened to a friend of my family and the family was left devistated with her three little children after her husband committed suicide. She noticed a change much like your husband, after a few months went by, then one day that was it. She said the same things you are saying. This is VERY serious, do not take this lightly. Get help from a professional on how to help your husband.

Good luck to you!

I understand to a certain extent his desire to sit at home and relax. I think after a few kids and a long day at work, sometimes that is very enticing, but this sounds like more than that.

Get him to a physician. It could be a physical unbalance that contributes to his lack of energy. It could also be depression as others have suggested. I know in women their thyroid can throw them for major loops and exhaustion. Not so sure on men.

Good luck!

The first thing I would do is make an appointment with your family doctor and even if you have to hog tie your husband, get him in for a good health check up. And YOU mention to the doc about his change in personality--new hermit style. It could be depression and there are a million things you can do to fight that--exercise, change in diet, drugs, therapy, etc. You owe it to you kids to get Dad checked out.