49 answers

Help - My Husband Is Driving Me Crazy!

Well, not really...but sort of.

Here is the situation. I have two kids under 3 - so getting dinner on the table is a MAJOR thing for me, but I DO manage to do it about 5 nights a week. Well, I'm developing a really bad resentment against my husband because often (I'd say maybe 2 nights a week) just as I am putting dinner on the table he says, "ugh, I don't want any," or "my stomach is bothering me...I'll eat later." Now, this wouldn't bother me if I was a terrible cook or something - but ladies - seriously - people don't turn down my cooking! I'm a really good cook, and it hurts my feelings when he doesn't eat the food I've made - especially with how hard it is to get it done with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.

Like tonight, I made a roasted turkey breast, mashed potatos, gravy, salad and rolls, and he didn't want any. Last night, I made a really good lasagne, garlic bread and a salad...and he didn't want any. Then, he ate a Lunchable each night at about 9:00.

He has always had a "nervous" stomach, and I know that sometimes work stress does get to him and he is the type that doesn't eat when he is stressed (I'm the opposite!) but this is hurting my feelings.

Do I need to just let this go?

This is not a deal-breaker for me - I'm not willing to make a big stink about it - just not a battle that feels worth it. Maybe I just need some TLC from some other moms telling me that they'd be hurt too....what do you guys think?

2 moms found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words/thoughts! This really helped me. I learned a lot about myself actually from reading your posts - I realized that the reason why this is "hurting" me is because cooking for my family is a big way that I show love, and it is part of my Italian heritage, so this just feels natural to me to "love" people by feeding them. So, him not eating feels like a rejection...but when I really analyze this...it isn't. He's just not really an "eater." Never has been, never will be probably. So.....maybe I need to trade in my cooking apron for a French Maid costume and just jump his bones more often...and then we could both just eat a Lunchable! Cheers!!

Featured Answers

Not to upset you more, but I would more concerned about my husband for not eating. Is he okay, maybe he should go see a doctor just to be on the safe side.

I am what my husband calls "IRON CHEF", so I know how you feel when he won't eat. I solved this problem by cooking only for the kids ( we have 4 at home 9,8,6,17mo). The few nights that I made only say mac and cheese and hot dogs, or broke down and make chicken nuggets from bag (I usually make them from scratch), he gets the message. He'll complain that it isn't what he would like to eat. I just kindly respond that I hate to waste food and throwing out leftovers because he decided he did not want to eat is wasting money, something we can't afford to do. He usually gets out of his stint.
If he really is stressed about something, talk to him. If I waited for my husband to tell me what is wrong, we would never talk about it. He wants the problem solved before he talks about it. I just listen at first and don't judge, or try to solve it.
I also donate the left overs to the missionaries that live in the next building. That way, I do not feel like I am wasting food. I know that they really appreciate it. I know my husband does too, although he sometimes has trouble showing it.
hope this helps

More Answers

I would be hurt, too! I understand your frustration...I have 4 kids-13 1/2, 5 1/2, 3 1/2, and 1-my husband is grateful when I get something more than just mac and cheese on the table :o).

I have a couple of suggestions...depending on your mood :o).

1. Make a nice dinner for you and the kids, but place a Lunchable on the table in front of his chair.

2. Have him call you in the afternoon and let you know if he feels up for dinner, or if you get the night off! (This is what my hubby and me do and it works out nicely :o)

3. Make dinner as usual, but place his in a container that can be stored in the fridge until he takes it to work the next day!

I hope this helps...Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

This would hurt my feelings too. But I don't think there's anything to do about it. It probably hurts your feelings because you may express love to your spouse through the acts of service- cooking being one of your biggest ways to care for him. I know thats how I am. Really, if you don't eat, you die, so as mothers and wives we actually sustain our families lives by feeding them. Its important and it makes us feel important and valued when our families are well fed. I also personally derive a great deal validation when my husband loves the food I make. Perhaps you are missing that validation and why wouldn't you? All you can do it let him know that you are missing that validation so he can validate you in other ways. You may also need to find another way to show your love for him.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, man, he sounds like an only slightly different version of MY husband. (My complaint is that we have one kid who's a very fussy eater and when my hubby rejects the meal, it just encourages my son to do the same, and of course I'm trying to teach my son to enthusiastically try new foods and regularly eat healthy ones.) I suggest having a calm conversation w/ your husband (in private, away from the kids, when it's NOT dinnertime) and asking him what's up. It could be that he really is very stressed and uncomfortable (with the economy, I think EVERYONE's a bit freaked out) and can't relax enough to eat. However if this continues for a long time it's obviously not good for his health and he should see a doctor to find ways to relax or at least make his GI tract relax enough that he's getting decent nutrition. However, you should also try to find out whether something else is going on. For example, my hubby has a bad habit of going most of the day without eating at all, so late in the day he's starving. Sometimes that means he comes home and eats way more dinner and dessert than he should (so he's very uncomfortable the rest of the night), but sometimes he eats fast food on the way home so when he arrives he's not hungry anymore for dinner. Is your hubby doing something similar? Or maybe he has some kind of food allergy or intolerance that you're unaware of and the foods you prepare aggravate it, and he's reluctant to tell you that? Or maybe he's eating something at lunch that disagrees with him, so every evening he feels kind of ill? (Celiac disease? Lactose intolerant? Gluten intolerant? etc.) ... You should GENTLY explain to him that you feel a bit hurt and insulted that he's rejecting the dinner you've prepared, but if he really has some other issue going on, then you need to focus on solving his problem rather than taking it personally. Meanwhile, I would focus on his presence at the dinner table with family rather than whether or not he's eating. (When my husband says he's not hungry or his stomach is upset or whatever, my major gripe is that he wanders off to watch TV in the other room, leaving me to feed and clean up after the kids and meanwhile it's our only meal of the day we can share as a family and I want the WHOLE family present, no distractions, no TV, no phone interruptions, etc.) If your husband understands that the meal is quality family time and not just eating, and he's sticking around the table even when he's not eating, that's a positive thing and I'd focus on that rather than worrying about what he is or isn't eating (unless he's creating a bad eating example for the kids, in which case, maybe he really is better off in another room until the kids' eating habits are better established?) Ultimately I think everyone's health and bonding time as family are more important than what's being eaten. Meanwhile, if you're feeling resentful partly or mostly because you've put major effort into the meal only to have it rejected, start using faster, more simple recipes that let you get dinner pulled together very easily. Then if he won't eat it at least you won't feel like you've slaved over a hot stove for an hour with children whining at your feet and it was all for nothing. Also if he really does have a "nervous stomach," he might find lighter, simpler food more appealing (a bit of soup and grilled chicken, rather than lasagna and heavy bread, maybe?) I'm all about fast and easy for dinner! Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

What time is dinner, I'll bring the wine :) First, MAJOR kudos for the amazing dinners you manager to prepare with little ones I'm sure trying to get between you and the counter the whole time!! WOW! I understand your frustration with someone prefering a lunchable over a full course meal. Maybe with the meals you prepare, always have a 'stomach friendly' side since your hubby has a sensitive stomach. If he really is not eating because his stomach is bothering him, perghaps that would at least get hime to eat with the family..... I wouldn't worry to much, ONLY because of the issues he seems to have with his stomach. If he had no issues at all, send him to bed without dinner :):) Like I said before, I'll come help put a dent in the meal, and even help with the dishes :) Take care.

1 mom found this helpful

OH, I totally get it~! I'm such a brat, I make EVERYONE stop what they are doing and come eat my food as soon as it hits the table! You should ask him to please sit with the family to help teach the kids table manners and so the kids don't start picking up his bad habit of all of a sudden not feeling good and not wanting to eat. I think if you talk with him ahead of time and let him know you are cooking this meal FOR him (and the kids) and that if he isn't going to be eating he needs to let you know so you don't go to all the trouble it takes, you'll just get something simpler, like a sandwich, maybe he would put more effort? Anyway, I agree that it isn't worth a huge fight, but he does need to at least join you so at the very least you can get a few warm bites in! Good luck, and give your husband a big hug for being worth cooking for!

1 mom found this helpful

Let it go hun. I am going thru a divorce currently and looking back I see that some of the small things I could have just let go and avoided frustration for us both. If a lunchable makes him happy, let him have it. That just means more yummy left overs for you and the kids! I can see why it would hurt your feeling babe however I doubt that he is doing it in a spiteful way. Know that you are an amazing cook and this is about what makes him mentally happy. Nothing to do with you or your yummy cooking!

1 mom found this helpful

You need to let it go, it is not worth the effort to worry about it and to be mad at your hubby.
Sounds like he is stressed and helping him thru that would be in your best interest instead of getting mad that he doesn't eat...................Can you call him at work and see if he will be too stressed to eat dinner BEFORE you cook, if not, just the fact that you care enough to cook a great meal should lift his spirits even though he doesn't show it.
I have been married 47 yrs and this is too small to sweat, just get over it............................

1 mom found this helpful

Hi E M, I can feel your frustration, being a house wife and mother, is a job that no one can understand except for a house wife and mother. I think what i would do about this situation is, to saqy to your husband I 've noticed you haven't wanted to eat dinner the last couple nights, is there something that you would like for me to cook that I haven't cooked lately, by doung this, you can get to the bottom of something, without an attack on your husband or throw around any accusations. I dn't know about with yur family, but the family table is very sacred to our family, it's harder now with our kds grown with college and work schdules, but we still havr the family table for dinner when we can, so talk to your husband about the family table especially now why the kids are so small, I have know a lot of people who feedthe kids early then have adult dinner latter, we started the family table as early as our first born could sit in the high chair. In dealing with your husband, always use conversation in such a way, that it;s not confritational, your porpuse is not to start an argument, as many young and older wives are in the habit of doing, through the years of my 27 year marriage, I've have always asked my husband do you have a prevance for dinner tonight, usually he will say what ever you cook will be fine, every now and then he may want fresh fish or gumbo, something like that, and then I cook it. Hope this helps. J. L.

1 mom found this helpful

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