Help My Girls Wont Listen!

Hi M.,
I'm a Love & Logic parent (moms are probably sick of hearing me say that) but its what I find works for me and my sanity. Check out http://www.loveandlogic.com , You can buy books at the book store, I took a parenting class (like a 6 class course) and I bought Parenting with Love & Logic, and Parenting Teens with Love & Logic, I love the books because it's easy reading and I use the books as a reference, I find a topic which I'm baffled with and it walks me through with what’s going on (puts the situation into perspective for me)and gives suggestions on what to do, then has a short example story. On something like cleaning rooms, (which takes me a lot of patience because I want the suggestions in the book to work immediately) Example: I tell my son, "You can Watch the movie with us as soon as your room is clean" then we start with out him and we make sure he can hear how much fun we're having. If he chooses not to hang out with us because he'd prefer a dirty room, that’s great, Then we plan going out to do something fun, if his room still isn’t clean, He gets to hire a babysitter (yes, he does, read the part about allowances, or selling toys to afford babysitters, you might find that helpful as I have). You have to find your own way but the book gives so much insight and hope, It lets my son suffer the natural consequence of his decisions and I get to be the good guy saying "That’s so sad that you didn't get to watch the movie with us , It's such a bummer your room didn't get cleaned, we missed you, hope you can make it next time" . And yes it takes time, His room went messy for weeks, I don't thing anything is instant when it comes to parenting, but its so worth it, Now he knows that when I tell him "You can do ---- as soon as --- is done" He knows I mean it.

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An allowance, but put a new swing on it at this age we gave our girls 2.00$ a week but paid it to them on Sunday night in dimes. How it works is they get money Sunday but can’t use it until Friday night. Get two jars each or one for each person, Make sure you can see thru them. The rules work this way 1: you tell them what you want them to do 2: you remind them once .3: After that, they pay you for each time you have to ask. We set a daily limit of .50c. Have them take it out of their jar and put it in yours. We would have the kids count their jars on Friday after noon. You can either change then into dollars or leave them dimes. As the kids got older and allowance went up it was easer to get dollar then whatever we were using (nickels, dimes quarters). Then make a big deal about going out or buy something for you with your money they gave you. If we had to save for it, we would put a photo up, to remind them that we were saving for this (teaching saving money) don’t make so big you will never get it. I found about two week was all they could wait. This is not a quick fix; it took us about a week to get in to it and about two more to make a big difference. The one thing we found was we had to stop buying thing for them and started asking if they had enough money to buy it. You can use this for bath time, saying thing they not aloud to, hitting each other and just about anything you can come up with.

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Hehe, this reminds me of something that my mom did when my sister and I were younger (about your daughters' ages, maybe a year or 2 older...I think I was about 8 & my sister was about 5). My mom told my sister to clean her room before dinner. Repeatedly. And my sister kept putting it off. This went on all afternoon. Finally, while my mom was cooking dinner, she came up to check on my sister's progress and of course there was none. So my mom told her, "You want a messy room? OK, let's make it really messy" and proceeded to empty all the dresser drawers and all the toys from the closet. She had totally fun with it too...saying "WHEEEE!" as she threw clothes up in the air so they landed on the floor. She even tipped my sister's kid desk over (not throwing it or anything, just walked over and tipped it on its side). We were in such shock, after dinner my sister cleaned her room and I actually helped her voluntarily. We thought we better clean the room because we made our mom snap. She just got so sick and tired of always having to get after us to clean up pur rooms that I guess she did kind of snap a little and decided that drastic times called for drastic measures. My sister and I think it's halirous now, although I remember just feeling shock, and thinking, "Man, we better keep our rooms clean! This lady's koo koo!" We weren't scared of her or anything, I think her stunt just forced us to see how our keeping untidy rooms affected her. My parents were big fans of unconventional punishment, especially after the "tried and true" didn't work, which, unfortuately for my parents, was more often than not. Hope this helps!

M.

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Well, I had to literally go in and pack everything up and take it away several times before my daughter got the hint. You could warn them and say, "if you don't put your toys away, I will take them away." Of course, you should probably go in and help them get it straightened up first and then go from there. They will eventually get it. I have found that the girls are the messiest first and then clean up later. LOL

hey M.,
hey your kids are not the only ones that do not listen i have 6 of them that refuse to clean take away thier all time favorite thing or things

I have found that actually standing in the door way of the room giving step by step instructions helps. I know it takes time away from other things that need your attention, but doing this a couple of times may really help in the future.
Also, a more drastic approach would be to take everything out of the room except bedding. If the kids are at an age where they like to play with toys, and take responsibility for taking care of them, then this may be a good "wake up call" for them.

Good luck!

Hi, M.. I struggle with the same thing! I just heard about a website http://www.housefairy.org/ which can help your kids clean up. I also love http://www.flylady.net/ for advice on keeping the house clean. Fly lady gives great advice which works for kids, too. Good luck to you and me both!

Try taking the toys that aren't picked up and keeping them for a period of time 12-24hrs. It helps to see a direct consequence.

Take all of their toys and lock them away. They can have one activity at a time. Try setting them down with coloring books and crayons and have them clean up when they are done. If they refuse to clean up, no toys till they do. Let them earn their toys back one at a time. If they put the crayons up then they can have blocks if they put blocks away then they can have something else. Make the TV the last thing they earn back because this is very distracting and keeps them from cleaning up the other stuff. Remember no more than one toy at a time and no TV till it's clean. This keeps the chores in line and the fighting down, plus with no TV their imaginations will flurish and the quiet will allow you to get homework done. Hopes this helps.... Good luck

when my girls won't pick up their room, i take a big black trash bag and clean it for them. they can earn back their stuff by doing good deeds around the house. i hide it in the basement. one time i forgot that i had a whole bag of stuff in the basement for months. they didn't even remeber or ask about it so i donated it!!

I know this may sound extreme, but it worked with my 2, when they were about that age. I removed all toys and " fun" things from their room and for every day that they cleaned their room they earned one toy back. The trick is though, not to store the removed toys where they can easily access them, or they will just go and get them when they're not supposed too. It took about 2 weeks for them to get that, and alot of whining, but I held my ground, and it worked!! Now they are 17 and 19, and I do not have issues with them cleaning up after theirselves!! YEAH!!

Honestly, I have an 11 year old boy, and his room is horrible too, I have fought and fought with him to clean it and then the next day its trashed again....choose your battles wisely, this shouldnt be one. Either tell them to keep their door shut so you dont have to see it, or tell them Saturday morning it to be cleaned or NOTHING ALL WEEKEND!! PERIOD. The first suggestion I gave you though, eventually they will get tired of it and clean it on their own without you "NAGGING" as my son would say. UGH!!! Kids...you love um and you clean up after um!

maybe consider nanny 911 or supernanny.

I have a 3 year old that wasnt listening either, she would leave her toys everywhere... Until one day, I told her that I would help her clean up the mess, but I was going to help with a garbage bag... I had to do it a few times, but it has worked. Just tell them that if they cannot appreciate what they have then they dont need those things, and get a garbage bag and take them outside like you are going to throw them away and put them in your car or something. Then tell them that you will dig them out of the trash when they are responsible enough to care for their toys and such! Seriously I only had to do that a few times and now I tell her to clean up her mess and she will do it. Sometimes she says, "if I dont clean it up are you going to do it with a garbage bag?" and I tell her yes! and she says okay well I will clean them up then... I hope that this works for you, but seriously I would start taking things away, start with their favorite things too and maybe they will realize that they can only have those things if they take care of them.

To Train Up A Child by Michael & Debbie Pearl.

If the other responces didn't work here's one. Clean it. Just the way you like it to a minimilist dream. Keep only what you would have to buy again anyway and toss or give away what ever you feel like. This worked wonders for 2 of my kids and now just the threat will stil send my tearful 12 yo to her room for mad cleaning!

Hey M. U.

I have learned with my son is that if u give them one thing to pick up its better than saying clean your room. WHen they go in there they think its going to take them all day. So by going in there and giving them one thing at a time to clean its easier on them to concentrate on that on item and then the next. Even making a game out of it while they cleaning helps out to. If u ever watched Mary Poppins when u were little remember her saying " If u find the fun in it then snap the job is a game"

Try taking away toys. That is what I did with my 6 yr daughter. I told her everytime I cleaned her bedroom all the stuff on the floor went away, after a couple times of losing stuff she decided maybe she should clean her bedroom. I put all of her nice stuff away in boxes but she didnt know that. When she ended up with hardly anything in her bedroom to play with it was amazing the turn around.... Go figure.

Hope this helps....

Play house with the girls lets them show you how to keep their room clean, if that don't work, try them to your room. One day you can explain to the girls, if you get sick house is in mess. Needed help from the girls when they do understand how to relieve you until you get better. Teaching is good for the girls and some day they will get marry!! GROW UP AND DO THEIR OWN. JOYCE

I have three kids and it is always amazing the difference between them. No one knows their kid like a mom. There are some really good and creative ideas that you have been given! I'm learning from your responses too!
We moms need all the help we can get! Keep trying till you find something that works -- for each kid, and remind your kids they are wired differently and that should be celebrated!
They need to hear and recognize your voice of authority --stern, calm, confident, EXPECTING to be listened to. You need to be backed , encouraged and supported by those around you, for you and your kids. If your parents or significant other just down play what you've said to them, you've lost and may you need to lay down some rules for them instead.
Remember the volume of your voice DOES NOT necessarily portray authority; it usually says "I'm losing it!" I know. I was raised this way and occasionally struggle with it still my self. When my daughter especially 'gets under my skin', I remind myself that I do not want to say anything AWFUL that I will regret later, as it happened in my husbands and my pasts. If I feel I crossed that line, I apologize as soon as possible.
I got a suggestion once that has worked for us often, about a concept called a pillow Journal. That when she or I are upset about something, we write about it in the journal and it is placed under her pillow or on her bed to be seen and read. For both of you being able to say what you feel you need to say, but defusing (sp?) the negative energy instead of getting all upset, loud, disrespectful or in your face attitudes. Usually by the end of the journal, apologies appeared and a lot less emotion and regret surfaced.
Sometimes you just need a few minutes to clear your head of emotions, and calm down. Then try again. But keep asking these questions. We all have alot to learn, no matter how old we are.

take all toys and favorite clothes off the floor and put them in a bag and put them up, tell them they will each get one thing back each time they clean their room let them pick the item (that gives you the chance to see what they still play with and what need to go out the door ) and no new toys til the bag is empty and the room is clean good luck it worked for my kids when i daycared kat

Hi M.,

I've been through this myself with my eldest. Rewards work wonders, but if you've tried rewards and they haven't worked, you may wish to try taking a different approach. I'm guessing they enjoy playing with their friends, watching TV or whatever else... Try making them stay in their room until they clean it. No friends, no TV, and none of whatever else they seem to enjoy. Obviously I'm not saying to starve them or anything, but make time outside of their room for things that aren't so fun. Eventually they will get tired of the mess and clean it :) Also, have you considered helping them clean their room? They may not know where to start, and hence they don't want to clean it because its too overwhelming.

Good luck with this, hope you find a solution :)

I have a 7 Year old Stepdaughter who was the exact same way, however she wouldnt clean her room unless someone was there to tell her what to do, she would go into tempertantrums until someone would help her. We didnt want this example for our son so we took everything out of her room, all she had was her bed, dresser and blankets and a pillow and that was it. She wasnt even allowed to play with her brothers toys. She had to help us put everthing in the bags and help load it up into the back of the truck.(we had told her we were going to give it to some needy children who would appreciate the toys she had) it took all of about 2 weeks of her coming over on the weekends for her to realize this whole not having any toys was no fun. We did go through her toys and she did end up giving some toys to needy children and now when we ask her to clean her room there is no fit throwing. Im not saying she doesnt balk at it but she knows now that when we ask her to clean her room we're not gonna help her and she cant get away with it.

Hi M., This can be frustrating I know. When my kids were little I always tried to get them to clean their rooms then I was told by one of their headstart teachers to pretend it was a game and tell them you wanted to see who could get more picked up them or you and then you just pick up a few things slowly but that they would try to hurry to beat you then when the room was clean you guys could have ice cream together or some other treat. It worked until they were older...lol like in their teens...

I am not an expert by any means, but have you tried the "choice method". Put the power in their control so it seems as though they are making the choice to clean their room. Ex: you tell them you can either clean your room or you can sit in this chair until your ready to clean your room, you make the choice", but they can't move or do anything else until they are ready to clean their room. Believe me they will protest, just stay calm (the more calm you are, the more it gets to them....because they're not getting a reaction out of you). If that doesn't work give them a time limit, ex: you have 10 min to start cleaning your room, if I come back in 10min and nothing has been done I will clean it myself...meaning you will collect all their stuff and give it to the goodwill. We have done this with our 4 year old and it works, she still protests about cleaning her room, but it usually only takes one of these methods to get her going. Hope this helps. Jen

I've heard of a concept called "Cinderella Saturday", in which you devise a chart of responsibilities. Then every saturday each member of the household picks the chores they want to do. Maybe in exchange for you cleaning their room, they would rather clean the bathroom or kitchen floor! This way everything gets done and they do a better job because they get to pick what they want to clean. We are going to begin this next year probably, as our girls are too young to do most chores on their own.

I was having the same issue with my 7 year old daughter and what I found is that instead punishing her I reward her.
Basically, I ask her to do something and I let her know that if she does what I ask without arguement that I will reward her with money, or a new book, or an extra 20 minutes of tv time on the weekends, whatever your little girls are into.
I am also 24 and living with my boyfriend so I know how hard it can be, but life is a little easier using the reward system with my daughter. I can even get her to fold all the clean laundry by offering her a weekly allowance.
Mind you, it doesn't work with his 6 year old son, but boys are different.

I tell my daughter (4) that anything that is left on the floor will eigher go in the garbage or be given away. That works. If she doesnt listen I start grabbing it and putting it in a garbage bag.

Hey M.,

This is a little bit extreme, and it goes along with what Stephanie suggested. My own children are 7 and 5 and they have a habit of being messy...what child isn't. Parents see more importance in being able to see the floor than kids do. So, after 2 full days of telling them to clean their rooms, and them not doing it....I took away TV, outside time etc. Nothing, I told my kids, "I guess we just have too much stuff." I went into their rooms and put my daughters things in white bags and my sons things in black bags. Clothes, toys, books, everything. They protested and threw fits, stood in shock, cried etc. What are we going to play with, what are we going to wear? I explained the importance of having a place for everything, and keeping a clean organized house. They didn't care they were too mad and shocked to get it.

So, I went grocery shopping the next day and left the dry goods ALL over the table, all over the counters. When it was time to do homework and eat dinner....they looked at me like...."Uh....where are we supposed to put our papers...where are we going to eat?" I said, "oh, well, lets clean up this mess so that we can have some room to move." We all put the groceries away, and it took about 3 minutes for the lesson to sink in. I told them it was ok to have things, if they didn't end up all over the place. They earned their toys back one at a time by keeping a clean room for 4 days. I felt that was long enough to remember to do it and short enough to see a reward. They would say "where's this toy, or where's my favorite shirt?" "It's in the bag, you only have 2 more days until you can get it back" You have to stick with it though, it's hard, but it will teach a life long lesson. Good luck!

When my daughter wouldn't clean her room I went in and took away everything except her bed and clothes. I locked everything in the basement and told her that she could have some of it back when she could show me she was ready to clean her room and keep it clean. She didn't get everything back because we went through her toys and decided that she just had too much stuff to try to keep off the floor. So we packed up things that she no longer wanted or played with and took it down to the city mission.

It is important that you make sure that they don't have "too much" cause it can seem very over whelming when it is all piled up on the floor.

My daughter has learned a few things from all of this.
1) Mom really will take her things away
2) It is easier to find things when they are put away and
3) That some kids do not have any toys to play with and to be happy with what she does have and to resecpt it.
You will be the mean mommy for a few days but it is worth it!!!
Good Luck!!
D.

Take everything from their room. THey can keep their matress, 1 pillow and a blanket. THey ahve to earn everythhing else back. As they earn then back the rule is that the room stays clean or you start over. I worked wonders for my brother in laws kids. THe room is never perfect but is clean. Now all he does is threaten to take away all the stuff again and they clean it.

Try helping them break the project down into bits ie:
1) Put all garbage in bag
2) Fold all clothes
3) Put books on shelves
4) Put toys away

You do the toys last, so there's less temptation to play with them when they're picked up.

Either after each step or after 10 minutes (use a kitchen timer which is fun for kids), take a 5 minute break. Leave the room, have a quick drink or sing a song or dance to some music or something, then go back.

After a while, they should be able to do it themselves.
hth,
E.

Hi M.,
I'm a mom of six, two are grown, two are teens and two are under 10. I have found that often children do not have the skills to just be told "clean your room". They look at the room and feel overwhelmed. Especially if they have TOO MANY toys or clothes, which is often the case. I taught my kids how to break a large chore down into tiny steps, which is a good skill to learn for life in general. For instance, I would group objects and say, "First pick up all the papers and put them away or throw them away. Then we'll decide what to do next." Clothing, toys, whatever. If you try to tell them it all at once, they might still feel overwhelmed so just go in steps. If it is still overwhelming to them, break the objects down even further, ie. socks, pants, shirts.
Lots of praise throughout the whole thing! :) They will learn to just go in and do it in steps themselves.
Once they have the skills, if my kids would not do their chores, I wouldn't cook dinner, etc. I would tell them "we are a family, we are all in this together and we all need to do our part. When you finish your rooms, I will do my part and cook dinner." I only had to do it once or twice and stand my ground, lol.
R.

Hi M.!

I totally agree with Candice on this one. I've got two girls at home and three grandkids on a regular basis. I was desperate one day and threw my hands in the air. Then it hit me. Cinderella!! I quickly started role playing as the "evil step-mother" and the kids were Cinderella. They not only cleaned their rooms in record time, but asked if they could take turns being the evil step-mother!! Worked like a charm!! Hope it helps.

If you decide to toss/put up items they don't get picked up, my mom friend had a wonderfully phrase.

When it was time to clean/ pick up she would say: "Feel free to pick up anything you want to keep". Her child lost his beloved (new) tinker toys set for a few weeks, he's been good about picking up since.

However, if your girls have lots of stuff, put some in bags and store. Rotate their 'inventory' every few months. Sometimes they have too much stuff and it's easy for rooms to get messy and they care less when they lose an item. Luck!

I've had that problem. Set them down and explain the word "privileges"--those extra things they have that allow a room to get messy. My problem with rewards was not realizing they already have them. If they can't keep their room clean with rewards in it, it's time to cut down to necessities.

Then get serious--they need two or three outfits, and a place to sleep. (Having a bedroom is a privilege, too, but let's not go there.) They can't have a dirty room if it's empty.

I did this with my daughter's closet and toys years ago, and with her clothes and electronics more recently. Good behavior earned back a piece of clothing (for a teen, that's rough), and eventually she earned her CD player back. You can figure out what merits getting or losing something. I wish I had help with "shared rooms", but I don't.

Good luck!

D.

M.~
I have 2 and 4 year old girls. I must admit that right now the younger one picks up better than her sister, but that's not saying much. I have tried everything with my four year old from taking certain privilages away to bagging up her favorite toys until her mess was picked up. Do you know what I have learned? That I have two very strong willed children that could really care less if they don't get to watch tv or play outside or even if their toys are "thrown away" However,I have figured out that my daughters are very competitive and if they race eachother to clean their rooms, it gets done A LOT FASTER!! You might try making it a game to see who wins. I don't even have to have a prize. Bragging rights are enough for both of them to get the job done fast. By the way, this works with everything from getting dressed to eatting....you name it. Good luck, let me know if it works:)