Help! My Daughter's Best Friend Can Be a Big Brute!

Since her mom isn't nipping it in the butt (purposely inflicting pain is an immediate time out) I would parent the situation when it happens by telling her that if she hurts <your daughter’s name> again you will take <your daughter’s name> home so she can't play with her. Most likely you will only have to take your daughter home a few times before she gets the idea that you mean business. You will have to explain to your daughter that the reason you are taking her home is because <her friends name> isn't playing nicely...which will also teach your daughter to understand and enforce her own boundaries when this type of behavior occurs. That is the only solution I would have other than cutting off contact which isn’t an option for you. Best wishes.

I think all experienced parents have been through something similar. I have four kids, and although my kids were never repeat offenders, some kids are. I disagree with some of the other responses who say that kids that do this are "modeling" behavior they've seen at home, or are just bad kids. Kids are kids! And it is all about what they are allowed to get away with. Since your friend does not take action when her child is physical towards your daughter, you have to. It doesn't mean that your friend is a "bad" mom - but some parents seem to be oblivious or just reluctant when it comes to cracking down on bad behavior. It is a tricky situation since your daughter enjoys spending time with her friend, and you enjoy spending time with yours. But you have to make a stand. Either take a break from visiting with this family, or end the visit immediately when an inappropriate event occurs, and make sure the offender knows exactly why you are leaving. The unfortunate thing is that both of these solutions also, in effect, punish your daughter. I would suggest cultivating new friendships so your daughter is not deprived of play dates. Too much time together can promote such incidents, too, so widening your daughter's circle of friends would help in that respect, also. My youngest is 8, and he has a 7 year old friend, a girl, who pushes or hits every now and then. Not often, but it happens. It is an immature response to frustration, whatever the age. Good luck!

Hi J.,
Ok, so here's the story from the other side. My son was the hitter. I tried everything to get him to stop. Finally, I just followed him around to see what was setting him off. Maybe sitting in there as they play or sitting outside the door and listening can give you some clues.
Not that I'm saying this is the case with your daughter but in my son's case his friend would boss him around and torment him. He would be polite, ask nicely and try to express his feelings until he just couldn't take it any more and then he hit her or bit her. He got in trouble but she was so the cause. As friends we, the moms, worked with the situation from both sides and we both have been able to have great friendships.

Last time I addressed this question, I got called down for 'flaming' so I'll be as nice as I can. How would you feel if your mom was taking you over there, and enjoying a nice visit, while you get bit and beat up..... and then everybody is acting like this is normal. It may not always be a good idea to confront the mother about it, because she obviously doesn't care all that much.

Perhaps you could spend some adult time with the mother and yourself and give the kids a breather. It also might be time for some self-defense talk and action. I have a daughter who is very small for her age, and her younger boy cousin is a rough player. So we talked to her about saying (in a firm voice) "no". And we explained that if he doesn't stop, she needs to physically stop him. Now..... we differentiated between self-defense and just being mean and hurtful. My daughter ended up having to push him away, and he didn't mess with her again. I noticed that when it happened, my daughter was being to passive with him, he needed her to stand up for herself and push back. This little girl might need to be shown by your daughter that she doesn't like being hurt.

Hey J.,

It's simple, let her and her Mom know that friends don't treat other friends like that and if she continues then maybe they should not be friends!! I tell my kids that friends are going to come and go in their lives, that friendship is like a relationship, which includes respect, space when needed, understanding, compassion, sharing and love!! Even at 4 years old, they need to learn there are limitations to everything especially friendship!! If you continue to let this happen can you imagine how she going to treat her when your not around to see it!! Good Luck

V.

I have had similar issues with my kids. You really have to nip it in the bud. Make sure you make it clear to your child, her friend, and her parents. That a rule will be that if either child use any physical force that the playdate will end immediately. Stick with it. It normally only takes a few playdates ended abruptly to stop this behavior.
Good luck,
M.

unfortunately my child was usually the one hitting. when i am there and witnessing it i tell them its not okay to touch someone elses body in a violent way. and i tell other moms that its okay to remind the kid that its not okay and if they dont stop right away, i would take him away and give him a little lecture until he understood.

it sounds to me like it really isnt all that bad what shes doing, although my experience was with boys and they can be more violent!!

J., I agree with Julie. I don't even think at this age do they really understand what best friends really mean. That is not a behavior that should be tolerated, obviously the little girl is learning this behavior from someone, Perhaps in her own home, there are questions to be asked, have you noticed if the child has had any physical marks on her? Has the childs mother been around to see all these? Did you bring it up to the mother when the first incident occured?

Hi J.,

Around age 2-3, my daughter had a friend like that. I was also close to the friend's mom. We didn't see eachother much for about a year, at which time the friend learned how to control herself, and the friendship continued. I think you're right to draw the line at violence, not only for your child, but for the one being violent as well. Somehow this must stop.

Good luck!

Hi J., I would sever that relationship right now, that is not normal kids will be kids behavior, As your daughter grows up ypu want her to choose her friends wisley, this type of friendship with not do that, if the mom that yousay youlike hanging out so much was the kind of mom you should be hanging out with, she woukd not be rasing this type of child. As a mom I would never have my child around such a child to keep a friendship. I had to give up one of my best friends, when my first born was only 3, her daughter was 2, and It got to the point where I just could not have her daughter in my home any more, you can't put a friendship before your family.

If I'm not mistaken, didn't you write in before about this problem? I responded to this very problem once before. J.

I have two thoughts. One, be honest and speak to the mom. She's your best friend. Approach it delicately, but honestly. She'll understand and want to help if she values your friendship. And two, speak directly to the child when the events happen. Not to discipline, but to explain "That hurts my daughter, don't do that. She doesn't like it and won't want to play with you if you hurt her." Sometimes coming from you, it may carry some more weight!

I think the next time she hits your daughter or the baby, you should say okay playtime is over and call her mother and have her go home. Make a big deal out of reporting to her mother her hitting the children. She will be more motivated not to hit and shove if she really wants to be able to come back and hang out at the house with your children.

The next time it happens, you should walk over to the girl and FIRMLY (not mean) tell her that hitting, pushing, or shoving is not ok. The best way is to kneel down so you're at her eye level and talk to her with an "as a matter of fact" tone, not sweet and cute. See how the girl and her mom respond. and tell her that if she hits your daughter again, you guys would have to leave right away. If she does it again, walk over and say, "I'm sorry, but we have to leave now." And explain to the mom that as much as you love to get together with her, you're concern for your daughter. Maybe you guys can get together in a week or two.

Hi J.:
First,there is no reason to end a perfect friendship,because your toddlers are in a awkward learning stage. Talking to the childs mother, may help, then again,she may wonder why you waited so long to handle a problem,that should have been addressed imediately. Which ever adult is present during the confrontation,needs to handle it right away. Technically,A child this age,can't be a bully. Children this age,still don't fully understand their emotions or anyone elses.Toddlers have a limited understanding of how their behavior effects others.The child needs to know, how your daughter felt when she got slapped or bit. "That hurt(Mary)" "and you made her feel bad" "I know its hard to share,but this is not the right thing to do" Asking a child (why) they did something wrong,implies that there may be times when its (Okay) to be mean.Thats not to say you shouldn't look for a cause.If the reason for the aggression was a lack of sharing,then you need to (teach) them (how) to share.You need to (show them,) there are (better) ways to communicate unfairness or feelings of being upset.Take the time, to teach them problem solving skills.Make it fun. Sit on the floor with them both,and use imaginary play,to help both girls learn positive ways to resolve their differences.You could pretend to be the other child. Have your daughters friend play with a toy,and take it from her.Then explain to her how she asks for the toy back nicely. say "I was playing with that toy, please give it back" Then hand it back to her. Have her try it,then your daughter.Have them try it together. In a matter of a few minutes,you could resolve this issue.Tell them,if they ever have a problem sharing to ask an adult for help.In a short time, those girls will be very sweet to one another.J.,its so simple.They just need to be taught these skills,like anyone else. We can't expect them to automatically know everything that took us years to develope and learn. I wish you and your darlin daughter the best. J.