Help! My 6 Year Old Won't Stop Lying!!!

It is very normal and even healthy for children between the ages of four and six to lie. I am a licensed clinical social worker and I have worked with families and have taught parenting skills for approx 10 years.
Children under than 6 (and most 7 year olds) do not have the cognitive ability to distinguish between reality and fiction. That is why it is so easy for them to believe in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, etc. Even if you do not promote those beliefs in your home or your child is intellectually gifted she/he still has limited insight and judgement because she/he has the life experiences of a six year old. He also has the limited brain development of a six year old. The fact that he lies and then denies it means he is right where he needs to be developmentally. Instead of convincing him he should tell the truth, cut to the chase and say something like, "I know you are lying, lying is against the rules in this house and your punishment(or "consequence"/put your own word in) is such and such." (whatever you use as a consequence). Do not get caught up in arguing about whether or not he did or did not lie. In his mind he did not, but he also knows he is not telling things the way they really are. He has yet to understand how "not telling things the way they really are" equals lying.
Just because it is appropriate for him to lie does not mean he should be allowed to do so. He needs to hear from you(his "moral authorities") that it is wrong to lie. Eventually, when he is able to discern between reality and fiction he will have the correct moral compass and be motivated to tell the truth. In the mean time, help him to identify each lie that he makes by marking it with a consquence and wait this period out. If you are wondering about consequenting him even though it appears he "cannot help it" think of it this way... Young children do not share well either but we encourage or make them anyway. Young children frequently make loud and inaproppriate remarks about strangers in public, and we tell them "sshh!" even though they have no idea why. Young children don't understand bedtimes, why they have to eat yucky food like vegetables and wear coats in the winter but we enforce these rules anyway. With a "no lying" rule, you are just enforcing another rule along with all of the rest of them that they do not understand. Eventually he will catch on. Try to enjoy the explanations he creates, he will be a little genious (not a sociopath) during this time period and his inplausable excuses will suddenly become funny once you understand the reasons behind them. Just try not to let him see you laugh.
PS. I have twin 8 year old boys and went through the same thing you are going through. It will pass and at this age it is not a sign of bad parenting or something being wrong with the child. Hang in there and let other people who may be a caregiver for him know he is in this phase and to "not believe everything they hear" from him.

1 mom found this helpful

We had issues with our daughter as well when she was younger. We used an oldie but a goodie -- soap. She had to hold a bar of soap in her mouth for as many seconds as she was old. We told her if yuck was going to come out of her mouth, we needed to clean it up. Worked like a charm. Only had to do it 3 or 4 times for her to figure out we were serious (but she's not our strong-willed one either, probably would have had do more if that were the case). It was easy to implement and the punishment fit the crime.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi A.!

First off, I think that lots of kids try their hand at lying. So you are not alone in your quest for truth...you just have to act now of course so that this typical childhood antic doesn't turn into a pattern that follows this little guy throughout life. You sound like you have talked to him about what lying is and why he should not do it (which is great) BUT have you created CONSEQUENCES? Kids do what works! Somehow, somewhere his lying is working for him. So, what you need to do is to come up with a consequence that is the same each time. This way he knows - I lie then that will equal this. You will have to be certain you are consistent. Also you should consider checking some books out at your local library that convey the impact of lying. I read some books on lying to my son when he went through this phase and it seemed to connect with him. I also told him that it is very important that we be able to always believe what he says. Such as if he were sick, in a dangerous situation, having troubles at school, etc.
Love & Logic is a great, great resource! I highly recommend checking it out...it really helps. Schools use it, counselors recommend it, churches, daycares...it is just a great amount of tools to use. You can find it at the library or online at say amazon. There is also a link that seems to have a lot of good info: http://education.byu.edu/youcandothis/lying.html.
I hope you will find something that works. Best of luck! Keep at it and things will look up! :) God Bless!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think I could have said anything better than what Lori B stated. I had gotten similar advice when I posted a question such as yours a while back...it made the stress of the situation far less and gave me more confidence to deal with the behavior.

my six year old is doing this, too! it's beyond infuriating. we just keep trying to explain to him that lying is never okay and can hurt people's feelings or get them, or him, into trouble.

A very complicated situation for you and Caleb. My first step would be to talk with the school counselor. The school counselor may be able to help you understand what may be a "phase" and when to b concerned. It is a starting point. How long have you been his step mom? G.

Hi A.,

I have read all of the responses, and I am sure that they have worked. If you do not want to use soap, or if you do not know what pushes your son's buttons, let me share with you what my sister did when her 6-year-old began lying. She told him that every time he lied, this blue dot showed up on his forehead. This dot could only be seen by adults, and they would all know he was lying. So, when he would begin his lie, she would immediately tell him the blue dot was showing up, and he would stop. He was embarrassed by the fact that the blue dot was there, and everyone could see it. He would say he was sorry and state the truth. She would then tell him the blue dot was going away. There were no tears on either side. No screaming. No physical punishment. It worked, but she had to be consistent. After a couple of times of the appearance of the blue dot, he was just so embarreassed, that he stopped. Of course, you are fixing the lying with lying, so if you have a dilemma with this, don't do it, but it did work. She hasn't had a problem with lying since, and now he is 14. Hope this helps. Good luck! J.

Well not to lessen the problem but I did have a son like that and he was very good at it. Hes grown now, has a family and is a pastor. So see there is hope.

I guess the punishment should fit the crime. Take his legos away for a week, and don't let him go swimming for awhile.
You can even be his best buddy and let him know you're sorry he got himself into this fix. As in " Honey I"m sorry you can't go swimming for awhile because Daddy and I can't trust you. When you told Grandma and Grandpa that lie not only could you have been hurt but Grandma and Grandpa might have believed you and would have felt terrible if something had happened." ect ect. You can pile it on with a shovel and act very sad about it and make sure Grandma calls and asks him to go swimming so you can say no.
As for the legos just let him know that if he had just asked to take it to show someone you might have let him but since he didn't do that, out go the legos for a period of time. The key is to be very kind and understanding and soooo sorry that he did this. I just read the response that said the next time he says its show and tell don't believe him and don't let him take anything. Wow great idea!

Remember you didn't do anything wrong and don't cave in. Easier said than done when they look at you with puppy eyes.

I feel your pain. Both of my older 2 kids went through this at about exactly that age. Just make sure you keep telling them that it can be dangerous, and that you need to be able to trust them. I also took things away when they lied: toys, TV, trips to the park or to get ice cream, play dates, etc. Here's a consolation: it doesn't last very long.
One of my daughters' friends started doing the same thing, and my daughter could tell when she was lying (sometimes). This irritated my daughter so much that SHE stopped doing it. I told her that other people could often tell when she was lying, too, and that they didn't like it either. That seemed to make sense to her.

That comes with the age, but trying to put a stop to it now is smart. Mostly just make sure he knows that you caught him in his lie, and that it is wrong. As far as a punishment, I'd take away what he lied about for a few days. Lying about being able to swim, no pool. Lying about show and tell, take away what he took, then maybe not let him take something for show and tell the next time he can, but make sure he knows that it is because he lied. At his age small stuff should help, and knowing that you are disappointed in him can rattle them a little too. Kids that age are pleasers. "Mommy is so sad that you didn't tell the truth" can go a long way. Good luck.

I agree with Lori B, it's the age that they are developing their ability to tell the difference between "wishful thinking" and reality. They just really want it to be true and so if they tell it that way then maybe it will be, they are already discovering how words have power. Power over other people by making them believe something by telling them a "story", is part of it, but also because they just think it would be neat if it really happened that way.
In most children it doesn't last very long because the reprecussions of not being truthful about things aren't usually pleasant, and they learn that it's better to tell it the way it really happened.
one thing that worked with my stepdaughter was to say something like "Wow, you know, I'm not thinking that is what really happened is it? Because the last time I saw you in the swimming pool you wouldn't even put your face in the water because it scared you." then she would confess it wasn't true and then I would say "But you would like to be able to swim wouldn't you? Maybe swimming lessons next year will help you to be able to do that!!"
it sort of helped her to know that we can tell when she isn't telling the truth, and hey this is what could happen if she did tell the truth.
When she finally did get past it, we breathed a sigh of relief, but it took her awhile to stop making stuff up.

Explain to him how important it is to tell the truth.Give him some examples of how it could be dangerous (the boy who cried wolf!) If he gets an allowance or has a piggy bank, make a lie jar.Everytime he tells a lie he has to pay the lie jar .25 cents.I saw a similar idea on a Nanny show she had a swear jar.Anyway I tried this with my 11 and 5 year olds and no one has had to pay the lie jar in a few weeks!

First I would send him to his room, then if it continued I would ground him from say from TV or Games or what ever works and if that doesn't work. My last resort would be... Well, lying hurts... So it's a very hard lesson to teach with out telling a lie. Maybe if you tell him that you are going to take him to his favorite place and then don't take him. Then say I am sorry I lied. Then there is the lesson of half truths/ half lies. You take him but you don't go in. I would then talk about how and why lies really hurt and how it really hurts the person telling the lie. Lying causes people not to trust or believe there words. I would talk about truth, honest, trust.

have you tried having him apologize to whoever he lied to? in the case of the show-and-tell, he could apologize to his teacher for bringing (i'm assuming not-allowed) toys to school...he could apologize to your inlaws about lying about being able to swim. social expecations are a big motivator. i know i'd have been mortified getting caught lying and having to face the person, as a kid. (well, now too!) just thank goodness you're still catching him at it...nip it in the bud now (by whatever consequences you find appropriate) before he grows up and starts lying to you about bigger things like taking the car. good luck!