Help!! Mother Coming to Visit!!!!

You need to look at this differently. In some ways you are being very selfish yourself. You don't want to deal with the drama yourself, so you are protecting your own needs. Your kids need you to take care of them - they are your first priority, and their needs should be first. A trip to Disney for instance, should be FOR THEM!! They are the kids. You need to be a better mother than your mom was and focus on them, not yourself and her. Further, if you don't stand up to her, you are teaching them how she can treat them. Do you want her to bully them too? She already is to some degree, but it will get so much worse, and they will resent you and her.

Sorry, I know difficult people are, well, difficult to deal with. But I have more sympathy for your kids (and your husband) than for you. I mean, how would you feel if this was your MIL and your husband didn't stand up for his family? You have to get tough here. "You want to shop Mom? Well, you can come back later with us, or bye, you know where the hotel is!!"

Planning is all well and good, and will help maybe. But she if she is as much of a bully as you indicate, then she will still try to run the show. YOu need ot pull yourself together, because only you can do this.

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My suggestion is have the a planned itinerary that you 'tell' her how the day is going to go. This way she won't be surprised at nap time and time to head back to the hotel. She shouldn't be surprised and she should have plenty of time to schedule something to do while 'her grandchildren' sleep. Nothing personal to you, I know old habits are hard to break, but if you want her to treat you like an adult; you should act like an adult. Good luck :)

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You said it with this: "I know I need more balls when it comes to my mom."
She's treating you like a child. You are not a child, you are an adult. Say, "I'm sorry mom, the kids need a nap, so we're going to take one." and walk away. Don't try to win her over with your choice, don't try to convince her. Say you're doing something and walk away and do it.

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It sounds like you have a life long history with a mom who is not respectful of anyone else's needs but her own.

This is called being a narcissist. The best way to deal with self-centered people who manipulate situations and people around them to always get their way, is to take a breath, think before you act and speak....don't speak in a way that you are asking for permission or for her approval....just state the facts of what you will be doing next.

For instance....the shopping in Guatemala...."Fine Mom, if you need to keep shopping, you know where to find us when you're done...back at the hotel. Bye-bye. Hope you find what you're looking for."

You already have great advice below about how to phrase your need for your kids naps.

But this is a habit that has been set up and practiced a lot between you and her. I seriously recommend you read books about setting boundaries with people. You will learn that it is entirely OK to set healthy boundaries, that you should in fact be setting healthy boundaries and that you won't be very good at setting healthy boundaries with a boundary buster (your mom) when you first start, but stick with it, practice makes perfect.

For instance, your 3 years of separation..probably your classic avoidance boundary....and also your least healthiest option, although it does buy you time off.

Think of this visit as a testing grounds for you to practice these statements. They are thoughts you have always had but not had the balls to speak directly and with intent. You can do it. And if you fail, try again....you're mother will have an arsenal of of guilt trips and excuses and reasons why you should do otherwise...don't give in..take care of yourself and your babies first.

P.S. My 22 y.o. DD is serving with the U.S. Peace Corps in Guatemala, and building a school in a poor community outside Antiqua.....so, Hola from one part of Guatemala to you :)

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Exactly why are you so desperate to have her come out in the first place? Yeesh, if you can't stand up to her, at least don't try so hard to bring her around.

One thing that has helped me do the right thing when I'd rather cower or stick my head in the sand... thinking about how I want my kids to see me and how I want them to think of me. If you let their grandmother treat you and them disrespectfully, then they will come to see that as acceptable. When they have no respect for you or themselves, will Grandma be able to help clean the mess? Probably not, so it's better to teach them now that you will stand up for their needs, especially when the only thing getting in the way is a selfish woman's wants.

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Sounds like you're dealing w a classic narcissist - not the "look how pretty I am" kind but the "the whole world revolves around me" type. You need to look online for some resources regarding dealing w narcissistic mothers. (there are lots of websites) because she will continue until she robs you not just of a fun vacation but until she controls every bit of happiness you have or don't have - including your relationship w your hubby and kiddos. You are an adult and can be trusted w you own decisions and whatever consequences (good or bad) those choices create.
Also, it is not uncommon for narcissists to quote the Bible (Obey thy parents) to get what they want. FYI: that is for children living in their parents' home and is NOT expected when you leave to create your own family. And yes, you can still honor your parents (which IS a Biblical commandment) without condoning or even experiencing their toxic behavior.
Book to read:
"Boundaries" by cloud and Townsend
Website to check out:
Luke173ministries.org (this one was VERY HELPFUL to me)
Been there. Done that. Don't envy you but I do sympathize. It ain't easy and most folks will NOT understand what you are going through. They will accuse you of being the self-centered one. However, I'm guessing what you have written here is merely the tip of the iceberg and articulating the rest of the stuff that led to a 3 yr limited contact period may not even be possible. You are not crazy.
In the immediate future though, take some of the others' advice for planning schedules during your trip if you have already invited her. There will be drama even w all the pre-planning. If you have not invited her, DON'T. I really like the person who reality-checked w the idea that you are sacrificing your children's well being for the sake of avoiding your moms drama. We make lots of sacrifices FOR our kids - yours will just be a sacrifice most wouldn't understand.

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I would just tell her matter of factly, what you are going to do with the kids. Do not put it in a way where it's negotiable. For instance, "We are going to take the kids back to the hotel for their naps. You are more than welcomed to join us or stay here and we will meet up later." Don't leave it up for discussion. If she has a problem with it, too bad, she will have to get over it on her own. You are an adult not a child so having to listen and do what your mom says no longer applies. Your responsibilities now lie with your kids and husband. Sounds like some boundaries are needed to be put up. If you want let her know up front what to expect during ya'lls trip to Disney. As a mother, she should already expect what you will have to do with the kids but it sounds like you need to spell it out for her. Remind her that this trip is not just for her but for the kids. Do not let her get to you. Do what you need to and don't expect something from her that she is incapable of giving. You know your mother and her limitations. Stand your ground and set up the boundaries. Good luck!

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http://abuserecovery.yolasite.com/

http://bnarcissisticabuserecovery.runboard.com/
(read some of the articles near the bottom of the left column)

Some people are so toxic that the only way to stay sane is to maintain "no contact" with them. Maybe this is your mom. Your husband and children are your family and responsibility, now.

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You're answered your own question - you need more courage. Nobody can manipulate you or make you feel guilty without your permission and cooperation. Exactly HOW did she MAKE you stay there for 2 hours?

Ask yourself what you are really afraid of. If she's mad, so what? What's the worst that can happen? Why do you feel compelled to please her at all costs? Are you still feeling some rejection by her from when you were younger? Try to get to the root of it as a way of understanding it.

Meantime, what are you teaching your kids? That they need to suffer as adults too? That their needs don't matter? That's how YOU feel now! You don't want to pass that on to another generation.

You and your husband need to go to Disney and leave to go back for naps when it's nap time. Grandma can go with you or stay and do more activities on her own, her choice. She's a big girl and can find her way back to the hotel on her own. Whatever her need is to be in control is HER issue, and you don't need to participate in it.

Otherwise, ask yourself why you are pressuring yourself to invite her to come along with you? If you are positive that she will ruin the trip, why is she being asked to come along?

You and your husband need to lay out the ground rules for her beforehand, and explain how you will be handling your vacation, which revolves around the needs of little children. Kids don't like to shop - they like to go on age-appropriate rides. They need to eat and nap. They don't need drama and selfishness of a grandma whom they will grow to resent. She can adapt, or she can stay home.

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I think that your mother needs to grow up, and you need to tell her that since you are a mother now, your kids come first. If she can't handle that or appreciate it, then she needs to leave. I think that you need to put into perspective what is in your family's best interest. Letting your kids melt down, your husband getting angry, you getting angry, or just one person getting angry and that person is your mom. I know that sometimes when we speak to our parents they make us turn into that 13 year old again that has to listen no matter what. Guess what your mom can't ground you anymore! Isn't that wonderful? You need to set the rules out once she comes. You are the boss of your kids and if they need a nap you will be returning back to the hotel for naps. If she doesn't want to then she can stay and look around. I think your family happiness is what's more important. You can't cater to your selfish mother anymore while hurting your family in the process. If your mother can't respect that then maybe and you should say this if she wants to see her grandkids then she needs to respect your rules and the happiness that you are trying to create. Good luck and I hope you have a better time than you are anticipating.

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You need to do what's best for you and your children. If she gets upset. Oh well. She is the one ruining hers and your vacation. Don't bow down to her, it only makes her stronger! I know, my mom is the same way. Now that I have started standing up for myself and my son she is now realizing she can no longer guilt trip us into anything. She knows I wont go and get her a dt coke for two reasons. 1. she needs the excersice and I'm busy with my son and 2. She does not need another one. It would be about her 3rd that day. So do what's best for you. Not her. For you and family. Not her. Again I say, do what's best for you and your family. NOT HER!!

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You could just give the babies to her when they're melting down, while you and hubby go out on a date. Then she'll realize that naps are important!

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Communicate with your mom however will be most comfortable - phone call, email, letter - but absolutely set some ground rules before she comes for her visit.

Even though you will always be *her* child, you are no longer *a* child, so she gets no say in the decisions you make for yourself and your family.

Make it clear that the needs of your children will always come first. Always. If she gets bent out of shape, let her. Ignore her drama. Proceed with your own plans. If you want to leave and she doesn't, just go. She'll come with you or she won't. You can't control her choices. If she throws a tantrum, let her. Ignore her. It will take all the energy out of her "I'm the victim" show. Don't worry if she gets mad at you. What can she possibly do to you? You're an adult and she lives thousands of miles away.

I really feel for you. I have the same situation, only it's my MIL and she only lives 15 minutes away. I struggle with this constantly. The way I cope is to spend as little time as humanly possible with her.

I recall a time I foolishly invited her to our neighborhood festival. My two little ones were ecstatic and wanted to play in the bouncer, ride the ponies, get ice cream, you know, all the normal things kids do. My MIL spent the whole time huffing and puffing and being annoyed that she had to stand around and wait for the kids to finish these activities before we could move on to the vendor booths. I never made that mistake again, even though she is constantly trying to invite herself on our outings.

I'm a big fan of natural consequences. If you act like a spoiled diva, you will quickly find yourself alone. My MIL is far too narcissistic to understand this message, but I really don't care. But she has noticed that she is no longer invited to events with us. Don't know if she'll ever put two and two together. And don't care.

Just remember, she can get as mad as she wants at you, but it doesn't need to change how you live, the choices you make and the activities you do with your children. The shoe is on the other foot now. If she wants to stay in YOUR house, then she needs to live by YOUR rules!

Best of luck with your mom's visit.

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Maybe she is waiting for you to grow up and stand your ground? Don't be afraid to do so. Dont put yourself into a situation you cannot control. Insist she drive a rental car to your destinations so you will be free to leave "at will".

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Before you stand up to her, let her have her way, then leave the kids with her while you and your husband go out for the night and then let them completely melt down on her. She might get it then when the next day you insist on taking them for naps. Probably a little bit rotten of a way to handle it, but sometimes, you need to do what you have to do.

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I agree with bug... U just need to tell her "we're (u and your hubby) the parents now. This is what we're going to do. If u want to stay here and shop (or whatever) then we will meet up with u later." I have this type of relationship with my MIL and just came to a point where I thought "enough is enough. I'm a grown up and this is MY child" It's hard not to feel intimidated and to stand up for yourself... And realize that the need of your children are more important than pleasing your mother. What's more important...? Your mom not being pissed at you? Or your kids getting some much needed rest? Good luck!!!

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Yes you know its hard for you to say no to her cause she did for you how many years? But its time to break free! And this many people cant be wrong! Dont let her or anyone walk all over you. Start being your own person and express yourself.Dont be afraid! Demand respect! You can do it!

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Now that you are a mother, your first priority is you husband and children. Before the day even begins, hand your mother a schedule of your day. Tell her you will negotiate on all but one issue, nap. Explain that you really want to enjoy your time with her but if the kids are tired it makes it impossible because they then require your entire attention. Tell her that your time with her is precious and you want her to be able to enjoy that time. If the kids are to exhausted they just lack self control and then you spend your time correcting them when you really would like to enjoy her. Give her your cell number and tell her you will be back as soon as your little ones are up and rested.

You somehow need to make her understand that it is to her benefit that your children get their naps. You could also grab a couple of coffees and enjoy each other's company while the little ones nap. Tell her you would like to catch up on things while the kids nap. My Mom and I love to sit and visit over a coffee.

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It is tough, but you have to think of what would benefit your children first. If your children need to take a nap, they need to go take a nap! A grown woman should understand that. You need to think about them first. If your mom doesn't want to go, then leave her where she is and say you will be back. You don't have to be mean. Just say "Hey we are going to go take a nap. Do you want to come with us or do you want us to meet up with you in a little bit?"

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Hi A., My mom was some what the same way. You mentioned your kids and melt downs three times in your post, now here me out before you take this the wrong way, it sounds like your children have behavior issues in public and your mother does not want those issues to spoil her trips/outings. You did not mention the age of your children, melt downs as you put them in public are not cool, baby's do get tired and usually fall asleep in the stroller. My mom died in 2004, my oldest sister had issues with our mom, and at the time of our mother's death my sister had not been to California in 12 years, she dies then my sister comes, don't let years and time go by without time well spent with your mom, I live right on the next block from where my mom lived so i saw her all the time, I was very intimidated by her, and there were things I should have said and done, but didn't, when she died I went through all the would of's, could of's, and the should of's. don't let this happen to you is isn't fun. In the mean time A. work with your children about how to behave when out with grandma,
My husband and I went to Disneyland with a baby boy and a 3 year old boy and yes grandma and grandpa was with us, no melt downs. It can work. J.

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I agree with making a planned trip, if the kids have a set nap time, let her know ahead. I know this sounds silly but maybe you and your husband can practice on what you are going to say to her. I will go against the grain here and say that if you think you just CAN"T do it, give your husband free rein. I am just he would LOVE to tell her no. Seriously, if having her visit makes you this nervous maybe you should leave your relationship at long distance.

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A., I have not read the other posts, so pardon me if I am duplicating another response. I have had similar situations with my own mom, who also lives far away. Top of mind for me when we go visit her or she comes to visit us: My daughters are observing the relationship I have with my mother. I need them to see me treating my mom with love & respect and vice versa. And that is what I explained to my mom. It's not about "it's her house" or "my house" or me obeying just because she is the mom...it is about 2 women who care deeply for one another (who share the incredible mother-daughter bond!!!) and who are willing to work through their situations. In your Disneyland scenario, you need to let her know the agenda for the day includes naps back at the hotel & this is the time those naps will happen. She is free to do whatever she wants during that time. (how great if your husband could stay with the children while they nap & you & your mom could have lunch together or see some of the shops at Downtown Disney!) I am sure other posters told you that your children & their needs come first, and I totally agree with that. And guess what, if your mom gets angry - so what?!?! It's an opportunity for a discussion later between the two of you. As long as you are treating your mom with love & respect, you have nothing to feel bad about. Have a great time at Disneyland & enjoy your time with your mom! Peace to you, B.

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Is there anyone else that can go with you to keep her company? Can she bring a friend with her on her visit? Do you have an Aunt, Cousin someone that would be willing to travel with her to visit? That way you would be a little more free to leave her as she wishes and go back for naps etc. If that isn't an option tell her before she comes that you plan to buy tickets to Disney but don't want to buy them until you know if she is willing to take a break during the day for nap time. If you can agree to it before she comes for the visit there might not be any drama. If she says she doesn't want to do it, say no problem we will figure out something else for all of us to do. Don't go to Disney at that point or plan to leave even if she doesn't want to. Sorry that it is uncomfortable for you. Good Luck!

Hello, I really don't know what her problem is. It would make her time much more pleasant to allow the children to rest. Tell her ahead of time that you will be taking your children back to the hotel at, let's say, 1:00 to nap. If she has an issue with it, ask her where she would like to meet you at 3:30 and leave her there. She gets to do her thing, you get to keep your sanity and the kids get to rest. She needs to act like the adult. Don't let her intimidate you. I am a grandma and I would never do this to my kids or grandkids.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

I haven't read any prior posts to your question. I don't know if you will be able to do what I'll suggest - mother daughter relationships run deep and complicated and we as daughters are (mostly) hardwired to want our mom's approval and unconditional love. Maybe you could tell her BEFORE she comes out that you have this great itinerary planned and if she likes it "the only monkey wrench is at noon when we are at Disney or Sea World, etc that me and the kids will take a break for two hours at the hotel." If she says no -tell her that's fine, we'll just do short little day trips with the family. Make it work for you!!! I would have left her to take a cab back to the hotel in Guatemala :) You are the mom with the little ones, you deserve all the breaks, support and kindness she can muster. She can be the queen again when your kids become tweens!

Firstly let me say that you're not alone! I think most of us were raised to be "Good Girls" and "not rock the boat" at the cost of diminishing ourselves until we don't even know whats what any more! In my case it took years of therapy to get to the stage my Mom & I are at now - which is at best an "armed truce"!! The thought that helped me the most was "do I want to teach my children to behave like I do with "authority figures"?" Bottom line, kids do what we DO not what we SAY!! The love for my children gave me the strength to stand up to my Mom. She did NOT take it well (at first) but eventually realised that if she wanted to spend time with my children, she HAD TO take my (and their) feelings into consideration. My therapist also asked me to think about what the worst thing was that would happen if my mom got mad. So she got mad ... that's HER issue not yours! I KNOW (believe me ... it's taken me nearly 40years to get to this point!!) how difficult it is, but its soooo worth it!! Just be polite but firm. Maybe tell her (before you go out together) "Mom, I'm just letting you know that today we have to be back at 2pm because if I don't put the kids down for a nap we'll all have a terrible evening". Then, should she want to stay out later, simply say; "Mom, I explained this morning why I need to go back to the hotel with the kids. If you don't want to come with us, I'm sure you can find a taxi to bring you back." Then just go - don't argue, just leave. Believe me, after you've done that a few times, she'll stop arguing about it. Best of luck. My prayers are with you!!