Help Me Discipline My Kids!!

After making an appt to see a nutritionist about their diet [they could be eating healthy and still something is not connecting right]pick up Elizabeth Pantely's No-Cry Discipline(sp?)Solution. I met her at the Natural Living Conference last year [Holistic Moms Network] and bought the book; I have a 6 yr daughter and 2.5 yr son and the instructions are clear and brief and they work! There's been much more peace in our house in the last 6 months!

I agree with the tip to find a good parenting class. It may also help to speak with a teacher who you trust (does not have to be your child's teacher). I suggest taking some observational notes: When do your children have the most difficult time? Is it hard for them to transition from one activity to another? Are they easily distracted and that's why they don't listen? Are they acting up to get negative attention? (Attention from an adult is attention - they may not WANT negative attention, but it's easy for them to get.) Just write down as much as you can in terms of the who, what, where, when, and how.
Then, set up some structure and routines based on that information. Kids at this age need predictability. And you may need to get more creative than you get strict. What interests them? Tap into that. Try getting their attention by changing your voice into a funny voice or whisper. Make the things they don't like to do - say sitting to eat dinner - a game. The rules are the manners you set up.
Also, consider that they may just need more run-around/exercise. Kids have a ridiculous amount of energy - and need an outlet for it. If it's nighttime, and I can tell my kids have some pent-up energy, I ask them to act out being different animals. Or I have the older one show the younger one how to hop down the hall, etc. However, rules are set up at the very beginning - you need to stay in this room, etc. On the other hand, their excess energy could be due to over-tiredness. Are they getting enough sleep?
If you feel like you're yelling all day - take a break. You need to choose your battles and be consistent. If your boys feel like they're going to get into trouble no matter what they do, they'll easily give up. You need to jump on the good behavior (even things that they do that you don't tell them to do - maybe, they managed to walk in the door without knocking over the thing they always knock over!) and praise them immediately! Notice things that they are trying and say, "I really like how you started to clean up your blocks. I know it's a lot to do by yourself, but I think you'll be able to do it next time. Let's finish it together." Then the next time, "Please clean up your blocks. Remember last time you did such a good job getting started. I bet you can do it all by yourself. I'll race ya - I'll clean up the dishes and you do your blocks. The winner chooses a song to dance to before bath time." Try to let him win. Maybe give some warning - "I only have a few more dishes. I think I'm going to be choosing a slow song..." If that doesn't get him going, then you win and carry out the prize of dancing to a song. Invite them to dance with you.
Don't ask questions that aren't questions. "Can you clean up your blocks?" opens it up to a resounding "No!" that you don't want to hear. They also may be so used to defying what adults tell them that raising your voice may be counter-productive. On the other hand, if you never raise your voice, you need to choose your battles and start laying down the law. Most at this age will love the idea of races or games.
Though you must be consistent, you need to also be flexible enough to see when things need a little tweaking. Best of luck!

I would suggest checking out STEP - systematic Training for Effective Parenting. I have purchased the program on CD and used it with my daughter and have had good results. There are also in-person workshops as well. Checkout: www.tiredofyelling.com.

Hi H.!

I have a toddler and an infant at home. I love my toddler and really enjoy him but there are times when he really pushes my buttons! My husband and I have been working on the discipline and here are my best suggestions:

1) Allow them a lot of physical play. When the weather is bad take them to indoor playgrounds. There is one in Latham called "Cartwheels". When they have too much pent up energy it leads to meltdowns and mischiveous behavior.

2) Watch the food they eat. Cut back on juice, candy, or empty carbs. Make sure they have healthy snacks between meals (yogurt, fruit etc). Try to stay on schedule with meals. I know my two are very irritable when they are hungry. Toddlers+ can get very nutty when on a sugar rush and then beware of the crash!

3) Maintain a consistent routine. Try to have meals, bathtime, playtime and naps all around the same times every day. Creating this structure gives them boundries and paces them so they don't feel confused or aimless. They will be less likely to fuss when you say "it's dinner time" or "it's bed time" if they know it comes every day at the same time. They expect it and start to accept it as a given. Stick with it as much as you can. They need to know the house rules and to know you will not change the rules.

3) Try starting a rewards Jar (we learned this one from Joe on Supernanny). This is for positive reinforcement. Get a plastic Jar (I used an old pretzel jar) and put their name on it. Buy some pingpong balls in the sports section of Walmart or Target and hand these out when they do a behavior you want. Like put their cup in the sink or make their bed. If they refuse to do the behavior, take a ball away. Tell them that when the jar is FULL, they can get a new toy, or go on a special trip etc.

This works well with the toddlers. We did it for three weeks with our son. Now he puts his cup in the sink, hangs up his coat and walks up the stairs into the house everyday without needing to give a ball. After three weeks he just continued doing the behavior as habit.

For your older son you can customize it a little differently. Maybe if he likes video games you can reward his behavior with minutes for game playing?

4) TIME OUT - We only use "time out" for behaviors like hitting, or if he breaks or destroys something. For time-outs they have to first know the rules. So form the house rules and then tell them what those rules are. Establish a time out spot(chair, step), then if they break a house rule, you give them a warning, then you place them on the time out spot, tell them why you put them there, keep them there for 1 minute per year of their age (5 minutes for your 5 year old) and do not make eye contact or talk to them while they are there. If you have to keep placing them back, do it without talking to them and without looking at them. Repeat it until they stay there. Tell them not to get up until you come get them. When their time is up go to them. Look at them at eye level, explain why you put them on time out and what rule they broke, then ask for an apology. Hugs and kisses after.

5) As far as learning techniques, my husband and I have taken a little bit of advice from as many places as we can. We watch Nanny 911 or Supernanny on TV, we read books, we ask the daycare teachers, we ask other moms. We take all the advice and apply it as we think will work best with our children.

All family dynamics are different and different children have different personalities and react differently to different forms of discipline. You have to test what works best on your children.

For example, with my son what works best for discipline with him is negative reinforcement. We threaten to take something of value away--usually a toy train-- if he does not do as we ask, like put his coat on, take his medicine, pick up a mess. But make sure not to threaten to take away things like food or free play. These are necessary for their development and should not be used for bargaining.

GOOD LUCK H.! I HOPE YOU START TO SEE THE RESULTS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR.

R. Niles

There is a terrific book, easy to read, one night, with sensible advice and easy to learn techniques...Success will come quickly, but you need to be consistent and avoid the traps (our clever kids use against us).
The book is titled 123 Magic, by Thomas Phelan, PHD, it is appropriate for disciplining all ages (sometimes it still comes in handy w/ my 11 yr. old son...when he is pushing the envelope).
It is available in the library or at book stores and amazon.com.
Good Luck.

This is a technique that I just told my sister about to use with her 3 year old. My children are 15 and 16 and still remember being "counted out".
First make a list and hang it where it is visible, kitchen is best. The list should have 3 "things" that will be taken away when the child reaches a certain limit, I used five but my children were older. When your children act up you put a strike next to the "thing". When they reach 3 strikes that item gets taken away for the day. The catch is, you count to 3. They get until you finish counting to answer, stop yelling, stop doing whatever it is they are doing or do whatever it is you want them to do. That's it they get counted out to 3 and they get 3 strikes. Make sure whatever it is you take away is something that will impress upon them, playstation, TV etc. With one of my children it was "reading" if you can believe that. She learned really quickly that when I started counting she had better do whatever it was I wanted or else. You MUST follow thru on this. If you threaten to take away something and don't the technique is not effective. After a while, all you do is start counting and they react. You can also use any bad behavior you might hear of during the time that they are away from you as a "Strike" against them. If you are out and count them out, at the playground, mall, etc, make sure you follow thru with the strike on the list when you get home. Very important to follow thru. Once you take away the "thing" it 's over. There's no discussion and if they start in again over that, give them another strike towards the next item. I think the effective part of this punishment comes with the fact that the item only gets taken away for a day. They get each day to begin new and start fresh. It helps to be able to just not yell and scream over anything, just write a strike on the list after you count to 3.
I was taught this at a parenting class when my kids were little and didn't believe it would work. It did.

I have a countdown system for my 6 1/2 year old (autism spectrum) and 4 1/2 year old (very precocious). "One" is the warning, "Two" means they need to stop, "Three" they lose something, like TV time, playtime, extra book at bedtime, etc. I got the idea from a book "One, Two, Three, Magic!" but can't remember the author. And you have to be consistent no matter how much they resist.
With the birth of my 3rd child, my Mom knew I was having problems getting the kids to pick up their toys at the end of the day so she directed my to flylady.com where the 'housefairy" comes to check the tidiness of your house and leaves little gifts. I do it once a week and the kids so far are thrilled about it. Just food for thought! Good luck!

Dear H.,

I can't recommend a discipline method, but I can recommend a diet.

The most common cause of wildness in children isn't lack of discipline, and it isn't ADHD -- it's sugar.

I recommend taking them off of all refined sugar (that means no cookies, no candy, no peanut butter, no ketchup, etc.) Fruit is okay. And processed grains (like the white flour in Wonder Bread) turn into sugar instantly in the body. Get them on whole grains: Annie's Organics makes whole grain pasta and other products in kid-friendly packages.

I know it sounds hard, but I recommend getting them off all these foods. Once sugar is no longer part of their diet, it's okay for them to have some very occasionally -- say, birthday cake or Halloween. But the human body did not evolve to process refined sugar. It has a significant and deleterious effect on young children's brains.

If your boys eat sugar regularly now, they will probably *not* appreciate having it removed from their diet; they'll probably tell you you're the worst mommy in the world. But they'll be wrong. And, if you succeed in getting them off sugar, you may find that their discipline issues are much, much easier to handle.

Good luck!

Hi,

I've 2 boys myself aged 9 & 5. I'm married but hubby works everyday & never home( I feel like a single mom). I enrolled my older boy to martial art classes. That really do wonder. The instructor taught him discipline, obedience & respect. For my younger one, he's in a little gym class that gives him a whole hour of running around and release his energy. Try it and see if that works for you. Good luck.

sahm9802

Hi, I would try Tae Kwon Do. It really does wonders. Your little one might be to small, but your five year old defintely isn't. Your health insurance might even pay for it. Good luck.

Have you read 1,2,3 magic? or how to talk so your kids will listen?

When my daughter was born her doctor told me about the 1-2-3 method of disciplining. When you need your child to do something, let's say leave a playdate... first you give the request say "We will be leaving in 5 minutes - start to get ready to leave soon" after 2 minutes repeat. If the child refuses to leave, or balks, with a smile on your face say "Sorry time to go, I am going to count to 3 and then we will leave" . Count "1-2-3" then (still smiling ) take their hands or pick them up and leave. My doctor said the earlier we start the better but that it would still work with older children. He said with older kids (3-10) it would take about 20 times but by the 21st time the kids would get moving on 1. The important thing is to realize that they need you to understand they are in the middle of something, and for them to realize that when you say something kindly (smile ) but firmly that it is something they need to comply with. good luck and good patience!

WATCH "SUPERNANNY" WEDNESDAY NIGHTS!! It is a ritual in my house for me & my 2 girls, 6 & 4 yo, to watch Supernannny. I record it so we can see it anytime. My girls are amazed at how other kids act & are learning how to do different things to stay behaved. In fact, my 6yo just put up a list of house rules in our kitchen. If they don't abide by the rules then there are consequences. Ive learned so much from this show & realized that I have been doing alot of things wrong.

You work with kids all day...It is natural to want a little down time, however, your children need you, as well. Be consistent with your discipline. Consistency is what children need... Consistent love, consistent re-enforcement, consistent time with you. Yelling and screaming at them is not the answer... They will just scream louder... They want you, mommy. It is never too, late to be consistent with your hugs, your spankings, your discipline. They will honor you for it one day...In the meantime, be patient and ask others for their help and pray daily. No joke!

Peace,
C.

Providing your children do not have any underlying medical issues (ADHD,sleep disorders, allergic responses to food, etc), I would recommend offering rewards for good behavior such as spending time reading to them at night, watching an age appropriate DVD or video, doing artwork, etc. If they need to be tested for any of the above medical issues, have them done. It helps to know if the problem is an issue of a medical condition that needs treatment and a behavioral plan or just a behavioral plan. Take care!

i second the "check out a parenting class" suggestion someone else posted. parenting is a learned skill that involves behavior management. this is not so easy to introduce -- they'll notice the change and react -- believe me i know. for the 3 1/2 year old sometimes redirecting attention to a more positive activity can help. in the meantime check out some reputable web sources on parenting tips. may sound too basic/simplified but a lot of the time they are right on target. Good Luck!

Routine, rewards and consistency. A regular routine with meals at the same time and a reasonable bedtime, keepin gin mind they need 10-11 hours of sleep help alot. I agree with the watching supernanny to help with these specific isssues. I did a reward chart when my girls were these ages and it really did help so long as I was consistent with it. I listed the behaviors I wanted to see and the ones I did not. They would get points for the good and lose for the bad and then had reward levels, so 10 points was a small reward, 20 was a bigger reward, etc. The points could be given/taken away througout the day or all at once at the end of the day. The hard part is being consistent and trying to stay positive and reward the good stuff! It sounds hokey, but it really does work, and you can tailor it to your needs and your rewards - we had down things like choosing the cereal we buy or choosing the book to read at bedtime. Even though my kids are older now, when we seem to be going through a rough time behaviorally, we go back to this and it gets us back on track.
Good Luck!

Hi H.,
I have 4 children, an 8 year old daughter and 3 boys,6,4,and almost 2. Discipline will help your child feel secure. I would say that the most important thing is to be consistent. If you tell them that they can't have a candy if they jump on the chair then you need to go through with it. They will love you for it later. They need to know that you are boss, it gives them security. Think of punishments that will make them think. My son loves to go out and play with his friends and was heart broken when I told him he couldn't because he wasn't obeying. I was tempted to give in, but didn't. He had a good cry and then decided he would help me finish lunch.
Don't get discouraged. You can do it.

Hi H.,
You've gotten a lot of helpful responses. I just wanted to add that I've read that there are two crucial opportunities in a boy's life where you have to have earned their respect. It's ages two and twelve. If you haven't earned it by any of those ages, they'll seek to give their respect elsewhere (good or bad). Find a disciplinary method that works for you, and make sure it's been in place far before age 12. Also, just wanted to reinforce the advice that follow-through on your words is KEY!! Whatever you say you're gonna do---do it. That is much easier said than done, I know. I've been there and back. Otherwise, they'll continue to test you. Good luck!

this can be a tough one. it would mean knowing what you are currently doing to find out what changes need to be made and what they are doing. there is a lot involved. it is not just a across the board issue. I got involved with parents anonymous. i did not agree with everything they said, but i did learn a lot. if you want to email me privatley feel free. ____@____.com

Hi H.,

You have plenty of great tips here from other moms about parenting but I thought I would mention a couple that I did not see. I am a grandma raising grandchildren - 2 boys 51/2 and 7. They were also VERY wild. I have had them since they were 2 and 8 months old. I discovered by contacting "Birth to Three" and having an evaluation done that they both had sensory integration issues. Something I never heard of when raising my 4 children who are now 33 -25. What a huge help to learn ways to calm them and give them the input they needed. I also discovered that My 7 year old has very bad reactions to red and yelllow food dye. His behavior was unbelieveable and he could not calm down. He would run nonstop and jump off all the furniture and be totally out of control within 30 minutes. It would last 24-48 hours and then he would be calm again. when we eliminated food dye from his diet he was infinitly more manageable. This is easy to do on your own. Just a thought - hope this helps. And yes , I whole heartedly agree, consistency is the key to security for your child and eliminating uneccessary conflict.

Truthfully, you better act fast with the five year old because personality is pretty much set by the time a child is five. However, that being said, it's never to late but you have to be committed, firm and resolved to do what needs to be done. You said you enjoy reading and music. Well, those are great things to use to help focus your children on something else besides acting like wild men. True, it may not be as interesting to you to read things children are interested in, but that might be a start. You have to be creative. Ask your five year old to "help" you read a cookbook, for example, for a recipe he and his brother would love to eat. Sure, maybe he can't really read yet, but the fact that he's having a part in helping you do something that HE AND HIS BROTHER would like will make him interested. As far as music is concerned, let them get their energy expended with dancing with you to music, popular or stuff they like and also try to use that creatively as a learning tool also. Hope this helps you a little. It's going to be an ongoing process for YEARSSSSS. Not a quick fix.

hi H.
I think they first thing you might want to do is have them checked for ADHD. I know that it is the new "it" diagnosis but it may be worth you while to have them tested. Especially if they are disrutpive in school. Usually kids are one or the other, either disruptive in school or at home not both. My son has ADHD and he was disruptive both in school and at home. He is now in a class where there is more discipline and less distractions and he is doing well. At home time outs won't work if they are ADHD because they won't be able to sit still long enough. Chores might work better or loss of privliages. Patience is key here because if you lose it then there is no one in control. it can be exhausting but consistency and patience is best. Good Luck G. L.

As mentioned by others on this post, diet is a key factor in the behavior of children AND adults! People's perception of "eating healthy" varies greatly and is affected by what they read and/or are told by the "experts". When you read about a new "study" that says something is good or bad from a health perspective, always try to find out who funded the study. Usually it's a company or organization that has their product in mind.

There are many additives in food that can detrimentally affect mood and behavior. Read labels, and do the research. Artificial colors, flavors, and MSG (and a long list of names that hide it. See: http://www.msgmyth.com/hidename.htm and be amazed!) can have huge influences in human behavior.

Of course all the other techniques regarding discipline are also important.

Good luck! :)

Check for parenting classes in your area. Find one that focuses on child development, conflict resolution and effective communication. In the meantime, say no, say what you mean and be consistant. I have written many posts on the topic so perhaps if you want specifics you could look at my responses. Just click on my name and look to see what I've been "mamasourcing" about.

Perhaps you could get some ideas from where you work. I would think a daycare would have discipline procedures in place? Good luck.
A.

Edit:
I get newsletters from sesame workshop & thought of you. Check out their website. they give great advice & tips on parenting. http://www.sesameworkshop.org/parents/

Well, i send my kids to their beds.

No TV,and toys

they scream and carry on, and afterwards i go in and we talk it out. I set the rules and tell them what i expect.

and sometimes they listen and sometimes NOT, if they listen i praise them, and if they don't they go to bed.

-- And for extreme behavior a spanked BUM, but RARELY because you only teach them its ok to feel out of control and to act out of control.

Find something that works for you, and be consistent,
most single moms( my former self included)
aren't consistent enough, because the kids go to daycare or a sitter, and home everyone has a diffrent disciple style, or the time there is limited and no one ever disciplines them.

And your too tired.
or feel guilty.

So mom, basically you need to be very strict, and loving
yell, and send them to their rooms, then go and talk to them and explain what your expectations are, and ask them if they understand.

Ask the teachers to work with you. and side with your kids
they are afterall only 3 and 5 years old.

Good luck

M

All of the advice is great H.! I just want to give you a few tips - be CONSISTANT!! That was my biggest downfall when my kids were little.

The book 'Smart Discipline' by Larry Koenig is a great tool. I checked it out at the local library. It talks about setting rules, and taking away punishment for breaking the rule. That way it is the childs behavior that lost the privilidge not you. Puts the responsibility on them and takes you away from being the mean mommy.

It will always get worse before it gets better. They dont want things to change, they like getting away with things. So stand strong (I used to take a time out for myself - 10 minutes alone relaxing helps), stay consistant and watch the transformation take place.

Once they see that things are going to be this way, they will start to cooperate. Kids want bounderies, they are asking for them. When we show them consequences and discipline, we are showing that we love them. I tell my kids all the time, if I didnt care, I wouldnt say anything about your _______ fill in the blank (bad grades, attitude, behavior,etc).

Best luck! Know you are not alone - we have all been through this one!