Help Me Be More Supportive to My Husband!

I think some perspective and bench-marking is always a good place to start to re-evaluate a spirit of entitlement.

I AM a single parent and I don't mean to be rude (she says... feeling like what is about to be written is kinda rude)... But you saying that you are a "single parent" is condescending. It's like when someone says their dog is the same as their kids.
You have someone who provides income and partnership and sex (probably... at least more than I have...lol). So, first of all I would adjust your thinking. In exchange for HIM doing what he does you GET what you get. It's a deal. That benefits you GREATLY. and it's BECAUSE of him. Not in spite of him. Even worst case scenario, if something happens you have someone who gives you a hug. Actual, real "single parents" don't even have that. I'll throw in military spouses. When their spouse is deployed they can say they are "single parents".

I don't know what your at-home income nets you.... but I would bet with 4 kids, it's not even the amount of his raise, unless you are also paying for childcare... which you don't indicate. I'm guessing, so forgive me if I'm inaccurate.

To be honest you also sorta lost me at 7 weeks of vacation each year. I get 1/2 day this Friday because I just started this new job a month ago. Next year I get 10 days TOTAL for sick, vacation, parent-teach conferences, days my daughter is sick, to go visit my mom, whatever. But then I'm a little jaded because I just spent a good part of my lunch break on the phone with the student loan people hearing exactly how much my master's degree that helped me get a job paying just above the poverty level (ie my total income is not even the amount of your hubby's raise... I work 50 hours a week for that - your hubby is basically working an extra 10 a week to earn what my entire family income) is going to cost me and even if I'm approved for income based repayment I'm going to eat Ramen noodles for the next 25 years. I'm probably going to apply at Target and Walmart tonight for a 2nd job overnights on Fridays and Saturdays so that I can make that insane payment that is several hundred dollars more THAN MY RENT each month.

It seems to me that there are so many posts about entitled kids who are not grateful for what they have. That attitude of gratitude starts with the parents and it's simply about knowing what it would be like without that "thing" that you think you deserve.

First of all - you aren't a single parent. You're married with a loving, non-abusive spouse with a good job. Make a list EVERYDAY of what he does for you. Thank him EVERY DAY for what he does for you. Think about where you would be and what your life would be like if you didn't have him. What would you be eating for dinner (see Ramen noodle note above)? Where would you be living (see sarcastic rent comment above)? Who would you be having a conversation with about whatever tonight after the news? Who would you be eating dinner with on Christmas? Because if you don't appreciate him there are a million women who would BE SUPER EXCITED TO HAVE AN INCOME PROVIDER THAT GETS HOME BY 6:30 each night who isn't sleeping with their co-worker. or telling them how nothing they do is good enough.

This is probably one of those posts that will get lambasted for being mean. But to me this is the perspective that you should have... to be grateful for what you have and know that you would be in worse shape without it.

Congrats to your hubby on his new promotion.

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Oh J., J., J....where to start??

- Your husband stays an hour and a half later (doesn't sound like crazy hours, you are not familiar with 15 hours/day like some employees or even spouses traveling for weeks or even being deployed). 6:30 is NOT that late, you were very fortunate with his former 5 pm arrival time with him not starting work at 3 am.
- 7 weeks vacation...I'll repeat 7 weeks vacation!!! At my last high ranking position I had five weeks vacation plus two personal days (after ten years). Seven weeks!!
- You are NOT a SINGLE parent! If you were, I imagine you wouldn't be living the life you do.

You are right, you are being cranky and not really grateful. Gosh, please appreciate your good fortune, your best friend/husband and your family. Really, be nice from the start...make that decision. Use some of this "extra" money to go out on dates and enjoy your time with him. Hire a housekeeper to come every other week as well as a weekly gardener if your husband is doing this himself.

** Quick calculation - at 8 hours per week (not counting vacation because he is not there so this figure is LOW). that is $96.25/hour. Not on Saturdays or Sundays, not from 2 -3:30 am.

9 moms found this helpful

"So how do you turn your mood around?" -- really? Do you realize how blessed you are? If you are saying "Yes," then why are you complaining? Really? Your husband got an amazing raise in the midst of this terrible recession and you are still finding a way to complain about it? Really?!?!

You turn your mood around by realizing what a gift you have in your husband -- a husband that is willing and able to work to support your kids so you don't have to work more than you do. A husband who is willing to spend time away from his kids just so that you all can live a more comfortable life.

Think about the families that have no jobs -- my colleagues sister's husband and dad to five children just got laid off. My cousin's ex-husband and dad to her three kids refuses to see them or pay child support, and her new husband is unemployed.

Sounds like you need some refreshing. How about you find a family member or friend to watch the kids for a day while you have some time to yourself? Trust me, I am pretty sure that even if your husband had time to spend with you, after a day running after four kids and his long day at work, don't expect your time with DH to be exactly a relaxing oasis. More often than not you'll be talking about work, kids, and whatever. Time alone, I think, is more of what you need, to recharge and reenergize yourself. That way, you'll have time to appreciate your gifts and find it in yourself to support your husband in a loving way.

7 moms found this helpful

So you have an amazing raise, use some of it so you aren't so tired and bitchy when he gets home. If you don't have a cleaning lady get one. You would be amazed how good that makes you feel. If you like cleaning maybe have a structured we time.

I don't know what your buttons are but figure them out and then use some of the reward to make the price worth it for both of you.

I can't believe some of the answers. She says she has no reason for the mood but she is feeling it none the less. So everyone calls her selfish? How about it will pass when you find your new groove? Maybe you don't realize it but her feelings are no different than when anyone's schedule changes, would you tell a woman who just had a baby she is being selfish just because she is having trouble adjusting to the new schedule?

6 moms found this helpful

wow big raise!! and his hours sound normal to me, as does working from home in the evening. The part that is not nomal that you should really enjoy is the 7 weeks vacation!! that's unheard of in my circle of family and friends!! make that time special

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Wow.... I'm just amazed at how selfish your are. Your husband is busting his butt and all you can think about is yourself. Quit feeling sorry for yourself and apologize to him for b*tching at him and thank him for all of his hard work.

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Take some of that new income and go out by yourself once in a while. Or hire a sitter and take him out to dinner and a movie as a surprise during the week. Or use it and order take out once a week so you do not have to cook.

I bet it's just you getting used to not seeing him as much. It will all become normal in a few months. Try to bite your tongue if you know there is really no reason to be upset or grouchy...but if you really just need to talk to him and need him to listen - tell him that. Don't hold the feelings in. But do not resent him for what hes' doing. I realize that sounds counter productive....but I think you can make it work. Be honest and open with him but don't do it if it's not going to make you feel better....does that make more sense?

I just keep seeing $$ signs...LOL 40K is a HUGE raise!!! For only 1.5 extra hours away from home (this is how I would see it).

As far as him checking emails in the evenings - ask him to refrain until the kids are in bed or at least the bath. Ask him to take charge of something in the evenings - cleaning up after dinner or bathing the kids or putting them to bed so you get a few minutes to yourself. He, at least, has the drive to/from work to unwind and not have to answer to anyone...you deserve your time too!

4 moms found this helpful

I went through kind of the same thing. My situation was a bit more drastic though. My husband went from working M-F 8-5 to working Wed-Sat 12p-12am & he still had to go to court M-f 8-10am or so. I was resentful because I was stuck home ALL day EVERY day with our son & pregnant. Then one day during an emotional break down, I realized how much he was sacrificing too. He never sees us. He is so tired when he is home. BUT he risks his life every single day that he walks out that door. I learned to be thankful for him & his job & praise God & just be glad that he comes home to us. I quit nagging at him about sleeping in or not washing the plate he used. I realized that I was so angry because I MISSED him. So, now I do NOT take what little time I have with him for granted.

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He really isn't gone all that long. 7 weeks of vacation? That's amazing, plus all that extra income? Wow! Checking a few emails at night and getting home at 6:30 isn't much at all when you think about the extra perks. I would take that over our measly 32,000 a year take home pay job that keeps us stressed constantly, and my husband works just as hard and often as yours, including many weekends, and he often has to travel to too. Put it all in perspective here.

So, I would maybe take some of that money and have someone clean the home once a week, or put the little ones in a mother's day out preschool once or twice a week so you can go and have woman time, like at a gym or an art class or book club or something. You will feel a little less stressed and can more fully enjoy the time you have with him. Count your blessings, and also learn to hold your tongue and not be so nagging. You can surely learn to temper yourself to not be so rude and cranky. It's a personal choice to commit yourself to be better.

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I'm laughing as I read this because I think the answer to your question "so what is my problem?" is that you are acting like this because your husband hasn't had a lower paying job that keeps him away from home ALL THE TIME. If you had gone through this, you'd be singing a different tune.

Look, my husband has an executive level job. Unlike your husband, he has 5 weeks of vacation a year that I really don't think he ever takes. He also works long hours and has a lot of travel time on the train. He also travels a great deal - for the past two months he has spent every other week in another city. I'm "lucky" because my kids are older, but then again, so am I. What I do when he is gone, if I need help, is that I ask for it. And that means paying someone to come fix something, or have help cleaning the house.

So, how you can support your husband is to do this. Instead of bogging him down with stuff to do, hire someone to do it instead. Be glad he is home with you instead of traveling. Count your blessings.

D.

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My husband works 2 hours away and makes less money than he did when he worked 5 minutes away. But it's a job. He leaves about 4am daily and gets home about 630pm. We have 3 kids that are in activities and I also work full-time, plus go to school full-time online.

Our rule is that EVERYONE helps. If something needs done, do it.

We just started our kids on a rotation of duties. One kid has to wipe the counters and table nights, one kid has to bring down the laundry when the hamper is full, and the other kid has to make sure the living room stays vacuumed (my kids love to vacuum, so they fight over this one!).

Everyone loads their own dishes. I normally clean the big ones..but if my homework is calling, hubby will do those. Everyone is responsible to keep their bedrooms neat. I have given hubby the duty of cleaning the bathrooms - but those are lacking, so I may be hiring someone to help with that. I take care of pretty much everything else.

You want more time with him, who can blame you? Can you talk to him on his way to or from work? Can he call you more throughout the day? $40k is a full salary for some people...but money isn't always worth it. If you all aren't happy, then it's not worth it. Also, 7 weeks of leave a year is unheard of where I live, so be very grateful that he gets that!

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I like what Jo W. said a lot. 4 kids is a lot to handle and if you can use the extra $ towards a cleaning lady or something, you'll be less stressed and more in control of your emotions so that you don't snap at him when he comes home tired from supporting his family! His hours really don't sound that bad at all and an extra $40k is a LOT. I know its hard to rationalize when your emotions get in the way but just try to focus on the positives. Good luck!

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I would take this over the type of work that my husband is trying to get into just so we can have a better lifestyle and not have a daily struggle.
The new job he may be getting her will be gone 24hrs a day for a total of 8 months of the year. But the other 4 months he will be home unless there is an emergency job, so he maybe off but hes still "on call". Im sure ill be finding myself screaming because I work from home plus watch my 3 nephews on top of having my 2 children.

Schedule a date night once or twice a month. Not meaning to sound rude but be grateful that he is able to be home everynight. One thing to think about that might make your appreciate what you have is all the troops overseas that have to leave their family for 1-2 years at a time meanwhile the mom or dads are back at home taking care of the family and only making if they are lucky $40,000 a year.

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I understand completely what Jackie D is saying as my husband works a lot of overtime. He's working his butt off for you specifically & even though I know you understand that, it can still be hard to stop yourself from feeling lonesome.

Try just taking a deep breath & saying thank you to him whenever you want to give him a hard time & really try to realize how good you have it that he's still able to be home every night even though it may be a little later than you've been used to.

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Plain and simple you are jealous of work. You are jealous that he spends his time at work, it doesn't make sense and it never will that is just how we feel sometimes.

I felt the same way when my husband worked and went to law school. I NEVER saw him, and I was so moody when I did. It makes it even harder for them. On the bright side after a month or two you will adjust to the new schedule and things will even out. You will just need to find a way to vent before he gets home and try not to put everything on him when he gets home.

You know what you have is a blessing, but you can't help your feelings. You are human, you just need to find a new way to deal with the frustrations and schedule.

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Honestly these sound like normal hours to me. My husband (and most in business that I know) leave in the morning while I get kids off to school and he's usually not home til 6-6:30. The only thing I would say is hopefully you two can come to some type of agreement that him doing any work at home needs to come after the kids, meaning any after activities, homework, showers, etc. When my husband gets home he is a full-on dad, if there's any more work to do he does it later in the eve.

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Definitely use some of this new income to hire some help. Cleaning people, join a gym that offers daycare etc. Can you cut down now on your at home job? You'll also get used to the 6:30 arrival time. That's EARLY in my house!! I'm thrilled if my husband is home by 7 but it really all is relative to what you're used to. What I also find helpful is to ask yourself - do you want him to turn down this promotion? Do you want to give up the $40k extra a year? Maybe you do. If you do, then talk to him about it. If you don't, then take ownership for the decision and keep reminding yourself he has no choice. Sometimes my husband works like crazy and I get so mad bc he doesn't really have to. But times he does have to, it helps to stop myself and ask "well, do you want him to just quit? Bc unless he quits, he has to work all day on Sunday." Then it's not like he's just getting to make all the decisions and leaving me home to take care of the kids. As many people will tell you, you're incredibly lucky but you already know that. Knowing it logically and feeling it are two different things. You will adjust to the new schedule or, maybe you'd prefer he give back the promotion. If you'd prefer the promotion, definitely use some of the money for help. Plan how YOU would like to deal with things now. He's not the only one who can help you with the kids.

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Working at home with 4 kids is tough. But you are not a single parent. You've just added 2 hours a day to your schedule and you haven't adjusted yet. Since the family income has jumped a little, brainstorm on what kind of help you can have during the day to bring your day back into sync with how it worked before. Perhaps 1/2 day childcare for the older kids? Some place where they can have fun while you get work done? Think outside the box. Outsource what you need to. And the budget should allow for a sitter a few times a month so while you don't have the same amount of time during the day that you used to spend with him, you can build in a date night.

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If he is your best friend and you can speak openly with him, do that. Tell him just what you said to us, that you are feeling like a brat because he's got you spoiled with all his attention and his attentiveness to the children, and now you're gonna miss him. Well, you didn't say exactly that, but that's what you meant. It's gonna take some adjustment--on both sides--but you'll get it. Establish some time--pencil it in somewhere on the calendar, even if it's 30 minutes--for you two to have your time without the kiddos. That might mean you wake up early with him or get up for a bit after he gets home.

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Sounds like it is just that you are home w/ the kids and home working all day and he's gone (working but not in the house). He finally gets home and is tired (and so are you) and you still don't get the down time. Can you hire someone to come in for a few hours a day or week to help with a few chores and/or the kids to give you some down time?

Maybe work out a time when hubby takes care of the home and kids for a few hours on the weekend and have someone watch the kids on a Saturday evening so you have alone time w/ hubby?

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I know it doesn't seem like it, but you will get used to it. Your family is in a much better financial situation, so maybe you could hire a babysitter to help you out during the week and for a date night.

I am a SAHM with 4 kids and my husband works from 6:30 am until 7:30 pm Monday - Friday and has plenty of emails and work to do on the weekends. He also travels 1 - 2 weeks out of the month.

Don't take it out on your husband, join a gym!!!

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I kind of get what you are saying. There was a time when my husband had taken a second job for a while and even though I knew he was doing it to help us out and even though I knew that he didn't want to be out working a second job, I would sometimes get mad at him for being at work! It never made any sense to me either. I guess maybe part of it was missing him and part of it was maybe guilt that he was out working so hard (even though I was home with an infant at the time). Maybe the next time you feel yourself getting angry at him when he gets home, force yourself to tell him how much you appreciate him and thank him for working so hard. Just saying it to him and showing your appreciation might make both of you feel better! Also, definitely give yourself date nights if you think simply missing him is the culprit! That always helps....

1 mom found this helpful

A practical question: would this promotion allow for you to hire some childcare/extra care? I understand your dilemma; we have a similar situation where my husband sometimes has to work long hours and I'm certainly kind of cranky after being alone with no adult companionship, all the housework and Kiddo all day. Child care could help.

In regard to being supportive, sometimes being supportive for me is just deciding to wait on a complaint until I think there's a time we can better address it. (Like, not right before dinner or bed...) So, quelling the impulse to complain about the things that he really can't do much about is also a good idea.

Lastly, a big hug and kiss at the beginning and end of the day helps. Sweet phone messages at work. "Just thinking of you. I love you. Thanks for working so hard for us all." Send him a card at work every so often to say I Love You or We Appreciate You. You don't have to be fake about it or go overboard... just try to channel the warm feelings when you've got'em!

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I think it's wonderful that you want help in getting some support in how you can see the better side of things. I can give you my side - my husband went from working a plush VP job at a paper co he worked at for over 23 yrs making over $100k/yr doing the M-F thing 7-3 to just about 7 days a week 3 rotating shifts making less then our pizza boy - ARE YOU HAPPY FOR HUBBY NOW?!

I can see where you are coming from, before my husband got to the top it meant long days, weekends, to the point where I would tell him that if I really wanted to be a single mom, I'd actually be getting more money from him but what your husband is doing is for all of you and I agree with the one post about how you can always get up earlier if you want to see him more. I get up w/my husband to get his breakfast & lunch ready b/c that is our time before the girls are up where I don't have to compete for his time. It's hard when he would work the long days and the girls would be jump roping w/my last nerve, but it meant me being home w/them - not the added expense of day care for them. I truly know it is hard at times, but trust me w/the way things were I would love for the only sacrifice we had to make to be an extra hour & a half of my husband's time. Best of luck to you.

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I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and it's really hard to imagine that I would be complaining. But, the grass is always greener on the other side so I'll not judge.

Think about it, it's only like an hour and a half more per day that you are without him. If you want to spend time in the a.m., just get up early with him. That way you guys have a few minutes in the morning to have coffee together before he leaves for work. Then, maybe during the day send him a provocative e-mail. Hopefully he'll respond and you guys can spend some "e" time together during the business day.

Another thought is for you to use a little of the extra money to get a sitter so you can have lunch with your hubby once a week.

There are ways you can carve out a bit more time; just be creative!

1 mom found this helpful

let M. start by giving the awesome artie lang--- waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh my husband got a 40k raise and gets home at 6;30 and is supposrtive of M. wahhhhh=)

that was silly joking tone above btw and not bratty btw, thats what i would say to a best friend of course i would follow with the below=)

It's understandable to miss him and it's coming out in a nagging way. You're not a hag as you say, you J. need to think about what you need. Do you need to work from home? can this huge salary bump help you get a maid or part time sitter, or something? Also plan date nights. It seems like you are not enjoying being a SAHM from your description, because you say you feel like a single parent during those hours. Maybe you could get a job part time out of the house, and do daycare or a babysitter to feel like yourself again. I am a single parents and work full time and sometimes get hom at 6:30 after working then picking my daughter up from aftercare after shes in before care and K all day. You decsribe a typical work schedule for many of us that make closer to the amt of your husbands raise and not his total salary.
ALSO
7 weeks a year vaca is a ton! He could take Fridays off and see you more! Also 40k is what most people make so a raise in that amt is wonderful.
Anyway congrats and i hope you find peace and find a way to make your life easier with the 40k...gosh i dream of that, than i could get out from under this rock that my ex left M. at=)
Also how old are your kids, are any in school?

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Wow! Really?? My hubby commutes an hour (if the traffic is good) to work everyday in the winter when we have snow it takes him two hours to get to work/home. He leaves for work at 6:30 in the morning & like I said on a good day if traffic is good he's walking in the door around 5:30-5:45. He is the youngest in this office 38 & the lowest paid he brings home $65,000 a yr w/bonuses if they have a good quarter then maybe $75,000 a year & he works for a big company. I'm a stay at home mom I left my job as a legal assistant 7 yrs ago when our daughter was born because it would have cost us more for me to work we would've been paying for me to work factoring in daycare, cost of gas, wear & tear on our vehicles.....when my daughter was about 7 months old she was diagnosed w/a life threatening food allergy no way would i have gone back to work then (we don't live close to family mine or his) We live paycheck to paycheck, don't live beyond our means, my daughter's medical & speciality food bill is costly....we struggle to make ends meet every month, this pay period we can pay this bill next pay period we can these bills...what groceries do we absolutely need. We made a lot of sacrifices because my daughter loves dance & gymnastics she's been dancing since she was 3 yrs old she was invited to be on dance team last year (she was the youngest they have been waiting for her to turn 6 in order for her to be eligible) she competed at convention last winter against 11-16 yr olds & she won first place. I had to resign her over the summer because we just can't do it & everyday she wants to know when she can go back; like I said she's been dancing w/the same company since she was 3 yrs old...it's heartbreaking telling her right now you just can't dance & we'll see this summer. The team is holding her position anyway. It's Christmas we stretch just so we can buy our 3 kids Christmas presents. The shelves are picked over & there's hardly anything left. I know it's not about the presents but still....We have an 18 yr old, 7 yr old & a 3 yr old. It's my two youngest birthday today & we just barely bought them gifts just yesterday. I'm lucky I was able to sell some of their clothes, shoes & toys on Ebay to make some cash. We are upside down on our house we owe 175K & can only sell for 90K because of all the foreclosure in our sub. I just looked at our bank account we have $72 until Friday we have no savings because every time we get ahead just a little bit it's something whether it's the car, our fridge dying our washer breaking it's something. How's that for a mood lifter? I bet your hubby's raise & work hours sound great right about now. : )

My husband makes decent money (enough for us to live comfortably in our little home while I stay home with our daughters) but he works Monday thru Saturday - in the office by 7AM and is rarely home by 6pm to eat dinner with us! Our daughters are in bed each night at 8pm and most nights he's not even home at that time either! Sunday is his only day off and most of the morning is spent at church (Sunday School at 9:30am for our kids and church at 10:30am for our family) - we usually get home around 12:30pm for lunch! He's been with the company for 13+ years and only gets 3 weeks of vacation a year - sick days are taken from his vacation time. I feel like a single mom alot of the time but when I start to get upset or even angry at his lack of being home with us I try to remind myself that he is out working hard to provide for our family!

Perhaps, now that he has this big raise, you can quit or cut back on your work-from-hours? That might really help.

Read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will help. It's a little bit cloudy when we work too. I am in your situation as well...though not with the $40K raise! I wish. It is hard to be in that role. It's not really how we envisioned it, right?

But it is a good thing - you'll find the balance. And yes, do hire someone to help whether it is just laundry, or general housekeeping, or a part-time nanny, even though you are home. You deserve it, and your husband deserves a less naggy wife.

My advise - use some of the money to hire someone to help you and stop pestering your husband. That is what I do - no regrets whatsoever, solved all the problems.

With an extra 40K, could you not work? Maybe that would help you be less stressed out about it. My hubby works long hours too. And he travels a lot. And sometimes I am stressed and mean when he gets home. But it helps when I realize how much he really does for us as a family. If his raise isn't enough for you to stay home and be less stressed with work+family+house, then pay for cleaning or other things that have to be done that you don't enjoy doing. If you get a tangible benefit from this, he will too.
Good luck!