Help I Need Advice - Port Hueneme,CA

Laura's house has been around for a very long time. Please call them. They are so helpful. They really care and know how to handle situations like this. They are trained for this type of things like I said they know. They use to even have places for the women to go they probley still do? S.H. advice is so right. Please becareful.

http://www.laurashouse.org/
Laura's house is a counseling center in San Clemente, Ca for abused women. It's great call them. They should have answers for you. They will tell you what to take if you leave medications etc. Don't let him drag you down. Please get help it is NOT your fault.
Sue

24 Hour, 7 days a week (Toll Free Hotline):
(866)498-1511 (or) ###-###-####

For women and children in need of emergency shelter.

Here are some other names and numbers:
National DV hotline #: 1-800-799-7233
Human Opts
WTLC
Interval house
Sheepfold

6 moms found this helpful

Hi T.:
I'm so sorry,you've found yourself in this predicament. Take comfort in knowing,that you aren't alone.There are plenty of women out there,that are living the same miserable existence or have once been exactly where you are right now.I've been there myself.My ex,sounded like your husband.Full of himself.He use to bully and boss me around,like he was my father,rather than a partner.He built his pathetic ego up,by humiliating me in front of others,and telling me in front of my children,what a lousy mother I was.When I was earning more than he was, he demanded I quit my job.Told me,either I quit or I give up him and the kids!I told him,I think I'll keep my job and my kids!Men like them,fear you becoming to independent,to self reliant.They work on beating you down,making you feel helpless. In their sick minds,they think if they can make you believe your worthless,or that you have no other alternatives,you'll feel you must stay with them. Right now,he feels he can treat you any way he desires,because he thinks,you've given up,and are willing to take anything he dishes out. T., you've obviously got a good head on your shoulders.You know your capable of making a good living. Ask yourself,"Is this the way I want to continue to live my life? You've already given him 14 good years.You want to spend another 14 like this? Just because your husband is military,doesn't mean he's above the law.He would have to pay out child support,and spousal support,just like any other divorcee. Pick yourself up,brush yourself off,and stop allowing him to beat you,and your children down.Your getting some good advice for sites and other avenues to take,so take them,and move on with your life.If you want some happiness,you have to reach out and grab it for yourself hun.You have a lot of friends here,who hope you stay strong,and sincerely wish you the best.J. M

4 moms found this helpful

if you have children in the home i would get out asap! call your family and ask that they help buy you and any children you are taking a one way ticket. i wouldnt even tell him your leaving if hes that bad like you say. do it when hes at work. act like its a normal day and send the kids to school and then take them out after you go and quickly pack up what you need for a week for each child and yourself. unfortuantly the longer you stay the worse it will become and it will only take time before he starts to hit you. again if you have children that are minors what i would suggest is that you goto the local social services or cps office and request immediate physical custody and explaine that you are divorcing your husband who is abusive and you are leaving the state with your children so they are not harmed by him. then i would go and get the divorce going and have him served. please just whatever you do dont lay down and take it.. if you have to bite your lip until you get out then do it. if you have children please please rush to get out with them. if they stay there and see him treating you like that then they will start to also thinking its ok and its not. stay strong! i hope this helps you.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi T.,
My best friend was in the same boat. It took her a long time trying to plea for help, sought advice from his command because he was an officer too, did exactly the same your husband is doing to you. After her now ex fed her mind to brain wash that she will never find anyone else, she was the ugliest thing on the face of the earth, no one will EVER BELIEVE anything she says about him, etc. After we pushed her that there are agencies for WOMEN where spouses like yourself go to and they will assist you on your part, she finally put her ex at his spot. She filed for early return of dependent back home, took the kids, and filed for divorce from there,and nailed him with everything he's got. You have been married for 14 yrs and by Military perspective, you automatically get half of his retirement, two, seek for legal advise (family attorney), for your proceedings, three, the house if for you and your children, the military will make him move out of the house, NOT YOU. The government quarters was not for him because he is in the military, it is for family members. If you need more advise, let me know. Hook me up on line and we will be more than happy to help you. I, myself, was in the same boat. My exhusband was in the military. On the outside, no one ever believed he was a monster. In our own family, I was beaten, stabbed on the face, he even brought women in the house and screws them right infront of me, I was nobody, I was made to believe that I was the ugliest peasant contaminating him, I was full of germs, that no one will ever look at me and accept me in as much as he does, etc. MEN TEND TO BE THAT WAY TOWARDS WOMEN. No one in his command ever believed me too. I had no help. If we were on the road and come to a stop light, the minute I turn my head just to look. If he looks at the same direction I look, and there's a male in the other vehicle, I am suddenly kissing the window of the passenger side. I am punched, pulled by the hair, slapped continuously, and choked. Bruises were nothing new to my work place. My own manager at the time would not allowed him in the area. Oh yes, he would come flying in and beat me up at work when he knows there are no males indoors and out of sight...I was scared to leave because as soon as I make friends, I am forced to quit my job. My own family couldn't find me and wondered where I was. I was in your shoe but worse. Having a knife on my throat, and a gun on my head, was the last draw. He was hardly home. He comes home only when he knows it's my payday. Takes the money and disappear again. Then my best friend called me and told me that she ran into him and another woman. My girlfriend picked me up, and we headed where she saw him at. Yep. followed him to some apartment complex. Knocked on the door and was a very beautiful model lady like blonde answered the door. I asked for him and she said she was his financee. I told her he is my husband, and he showed up beating me right infront of her telling her I was stalking him and why he had a hard time for them to be together because of me refusing to divorce him. My girlfriend called the police and he was arrested. I was taken to the hospital. His chain of command showed up to see me and couldn't believe the look they saw on me...
Don't let your fears take control of you. You will be surprised to find that you still have friends surrounding you. You don't have to let him know what your plans are. Get with a counselor and start your procedures of going back home. You can have him remove from the quarters or house by contacting the police. you have enough of what you just stated to have him remove. Let them know how fearful you are of him and what he is doing and the threats. Then you can start seeking for legal counsel for divorce. You have kids with him? You will be better off going back home and start proceeding from there. I have four good female friends who are also married to officers, who found that it was much easier to file for divorce after they leave home where they will never be under the control of their abusive spouses. You are much stronger than you think. I met my current husband while I was at rock bottom of my misery. He helped me out of my misery, emotionally, and put me in therapy after all I went through. More than twenty years later, he still took great care of me. He saw what I went through. Yet, we ran into each other by accident, second day, he asked me to move in with him, and third day, he proposed. He retired from the military after that, and supported me to join the military....lol...our oldest childrent are grown and in the military themselvs...lol :) Means are meant to happen for a great reason...I know right now its easier said than done but trust me, I was there too myself. I am from the island and know a handful of legal assistants to help you out. If you need any help, you got yourself a friend here. Unfortunately, my husband went through the same from his ex...lol...his was the other way around :)...don't let fear stop or prevent you from taking that step forward. In the military, you automatically award half of his retirement, and whatever and how ever much he makes will be a great amount of child support for you to take care of yourself and the children. You can also have your attorney make him pay for all legal and court fees, attorney's fees, and spousal support for the fact that you have supported him through his career, and the life style you have already adapted to during your marriage. I know because I used to work for law firms downtown before I joined the military myself. A lot of military spouses too rather go to outside firms than military because majority of them are no help. As they say, they protect their kind. You still got families here. Be strong...we are here too if you need a friend...

2 moms found this helpful

Try Al-Anon open meetings. Even if he isn't drinking, and no one else in your family or friends is an alcoholic, these people have dealt with this kind of behavior and have figured out their options. The experience, strength, and hope of a group near you WILL help. Best of luck.

2 moms found this helpful

T.,

It sounds as though your husband is emotionally abusive and potentially violent. This is a link to an organization which may be able to offer help or referrals.

http://www.opcc.net/tabid/282/Default.aspx

Hotline
###-###-####

Good luck and be safe.

2 moms found this helpful

Dear T., you need to get in touch with the Ombudsman for your unit. I am a Navy wife and teach Compass classes, mentoring for Navy Spouses. That info can be found at the Family Services Center if you don't know it.

You can contact me if you want, I have dealt with this situation before as an Ombudsman for my husband's unit. Also get to Navy Legal, the JAG office is required to help you. There will be tough times ahead, the Navy takes care of it's sailors but if there is a good officer above your husband you will get a fair deal. Good luck, I will help you if I can.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi T.,

First off...God Bless you :) I am so sorry you are in this situation...but don't believe what he is telling you about yourself! Clearly he is unhappy and taking it out on you...and you have sacrificed so much that it's time to stand up for yourself and your children (if there are any - you didn't mention)...

Like a few others have said, in CA it's a community property state - EVERYTHING you have belongs to both of you 50/50. And like another woman said, if you helped put him through school, etc, that only weighs in your favor.

That being said, there is a shelter called the 1736 Family Crisis Center. It's about an hour or so south of where you are. It's run by a good friend of mine...and it's a FABULOUS organization, designed specifically for moms and children in situations like yours. They provide everything you need to get you on your feet if you need to leave your current situation.

Here's their website: www.1736familycrisiscenter.org. Also, like another woman said, BE CAREFUL!! If he is this controlling, he could be watching what you do on the computer, etc., so just protect yourself. And definitely find a good divorce attorney - they can also help you to protect yourself and your family.

I wish you all the best...and will certainly keep you in my prayers!

2 moms found this helpful

In Ventura County, the Coalition to End Family Violence provides a shelter along with legal, counseling and other services (all free), and has a thorough "Domestic Violence Safety Plan" on their website: http://www.thecoalition.org/ The hotline is ###-###-####.
I'd guess they've dealt with a fair number of women from the base and will be a great help to you. Call them. Best of luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi T.,

My heart goes out to you. I went through a similar situation with my ex. The difference was that he was a Cpl in the Marine Corp, I had two little kids at the time which 1 was his, and I stayed with him longer than I should have and it did get to the point where he was not only verbally abusive to us but he started to throw things at us, or kick the back of my kids' chairs while they were sitting in them. Then one night we were on our way home from somewhere and he pulled over and left me and my kids on the side of the road. We survived and you will too. You deserve a better life than this. You need to get out before it gets any worse. Stay strong and remember you are beautiful. I'm sure at one point you had a wonderful life together and it sounds like you have tried to get that back, but it takes two and unfortunately the two of you are not in this together. Know that you do have options. I am not sure where you are now, but if you are in San Diego I can recommend the lady at legal I went to. She was extremely supportive and there to help me and not just the one in the military which many do. Also, I strongly recommend you get the support from the Chaplain. You can see the Chaplain on your own. You are entitled to some of his benefits, and spousal support since you have been married for over 10 yrs. I hope you have family to help you, but if you need someone to talk to contact me, and all of us on Mamasource are here. Also, if you need names where I went in San Diego let me know. Please keep us posted on how you are, and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care, Jill

1 mom found this helpful

Step 1- Find your local battered women's shelter or call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline 1(800)799-SAFE.

Step 2- File a restraining order at your local courthouse. Ask the local police to serve him.

Step 3- Find a good lawyer (most will offer a 1 hr. free consultation) and immediately file for spousal and child support.

Step 4- Contact the base chaplain or outreach counselor, and explain the situation to him. The military is obligated to offer free counseling and usually will often insist on service personnel using it if going through a divorce...especially if you have a restraining order against him, as this will be noted in his service record.

Step 5- Don't be surprised if after initially being nasty and threatening if he suddenly promises to change and will do anything to get you to come back. This is a common tactic among abusers. Don't fall for it.

Step 6- Get involved in a women's support group, preferably one not affiliated with the military. No offense to them, but military wives tend to be very against one of 'their own' leaving. Kind of like a cult.

Step 7- Move on with your life. Try to get a full time job or take some classes to fill your time. Get out in the world and remember why you are such an amazing woman!

Hope this helps. Remember you are NOT alone! And this situation is not your fault. YOu are a smart, strong, beautiful woman who deserves all the best out of life, and you are going to get it!

1 mom found this helpful

Call and get help. Get away NOW. Stay in a shelter until they can help you on your feet.

bullet Statewide California Coalition for Batered Women Executive Director: Linda J. Berger 3711 Long Beach, Blvd., Suite 718 Long Beach, CA 90807 ###-###-#### FAX ###-###-#### www.sccbw.org Business #: ###-###-####
bullet High Desert Domestic Violence Program Apple Valley CA 92307 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Su Casa Family Crisis and Support Center P.O. Box 998 Artesia CA 90702 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet North County Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 2155 Atascadero CA 93423 Business #: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Placer Women's Center, Inc. P.O. Box 5462 Auburn CA 95604 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Alliance Against Family Violence P.O. Box 2054 Bakersfield CA 93303 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)433-7337
bullet Dessert Sanctuary,Inc. P.O. Box 1781 Barstow CA 92312 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Family Violence Law Center,Inc. P.O. Box 2529 Berkeley CA 94702 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Refuge P.O. Box 3298 Berkeley CA 94703 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Beverly Hills Center for Domestic Conflict 9401 Wilshire Blvd. Suite 730 Beverly Hills CA 90212 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet D.O.V.E.S. of Big Bear Valley, Inc. P.O. Box 3646 Big Bear Lake CA 92315 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Wild Iris Family Violence Shelter Services P.O. Box 57 Bishop CA 93514 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Harper Housee P.O. Box 725 Broderick CA 95605 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Interface Children, Family Services Camarillo CA 93010 Business #: ###-###-#### Toll Free#: (800)339-9597
bullet Haven Hills, Inc. P.O. Box 260 Canoga Park CA 91305 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Carson Shelter/Employment Readiness Support Center Carson CA 90745 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Catalyst Women's Advocates P.O. Box 4184 Chico CA 95927 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shalom Bayit P.O. Box 64048 San Francisco CA 94164 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet WOMAN, Inc. San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Next Door, Solutions to Domestic Violence San Jose CA 95112 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet San Leandro Community Counseling 296 Broadmoor Boulevard San Leandro CA 94577 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Shelter Program, Inc. P.O. Box 125 San Luis Obispo CA 93406 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 499 San Luis Rey CA 92068 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Battered Women's Services of San Mateo Cnty San Mat81 Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Humboldt Women For Shelter P.O. Box 969 Eureka CA 95502 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shelter Against Violent Environments P.O. Box 8283 Fremont CA 94537 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Haven of Peace, Inc. P.O. Box 424 French Camp CA 95231 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet YWCA Marjaree Mason Transitional Living Center Fresno CA 93721 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet La Isla Pacifica/South County Alternatives, Inc. P.O. Box 1326 Gilroy CA 95021 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Glendale YWCA Shelter Glendale CA 91206 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition P.O. Box 484 Grass Valley CA 95945 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Kings Community Action Organization Domestic Violence Program 1222 W. Lacey Blvd. Hanford CA 93230 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Emergency Shelter Program Hayward CA 94541 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet San Benito County Victim Witness Assistance Center Hollister CA 95023 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Operation Care/Amador Cnty Crisis Line P.O. Box 592 Jackson CA 95642 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Morongo Basin Unity Home P.O. Box 1662 Joshua Tree CA 92252 Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet AWARE Lakeport CA 95453 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Valley Oasis Shelter P.O. Box 4226-4599 Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Project Sanctuary, Inc. P.O. Box 995 Ukiah CA 95482 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: (800)575-HELP
bullet Sanctuary in Abused Family Emergencies (SAFE) Vallejo CA 94590 Business#: 707-648-SAFE Hotline/Crisis: 707-648-SAFE
bullet Family Violence Project 6851 Lennox Avenue Van Nuys CA 91405 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Battered Service Action Center Los Angeles CA 90012 Business #: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)548-2722
bullet Center for the Pacific-Asian Family, Inc. Los Angeles CA 90036
bullet Free Spirit/Chicana Service Los Angeles CA 90012 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Good Shepard Shelter P.O. Box 19487 Los Angeles CA Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Jenesse Center, Inc. P.O. Box 73837 Los Angeles CA 90003 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free#: (800)479-7328
bullet Los Angeles Commission on Assaults Against Women Los Angeles CA 90028 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: ###-###-####
bullet A Woman's Place P.O. Box 822 Merced CA 95341 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 209-722-HELP
bullet Haven Women's Center of Stanislaus Modesto CA 95354 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)834-1990
bullet Domestic Violence Shelter for Women/Children Monterey CA 93940 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Support Network For Battered Women Mountain View CA 94041 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Napa Emergency Women's Services P.O. Box 427 Napa CA 94559 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Association to Aid Victims of Domestic Violence P.O. Box 220037 Newhall CA 91322 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 805-259-HELP
bullet Santa Clarita Valley Battered Association P.O. Box 186 Newhall CA 91322 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 805-###-###-####
bullet Domestic Abuse Center Northbridge CA 91403 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Domestic Violence Program P.O. Box 1658 Oakhurst CA 93644 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet A Safe Place P.O. Box 1075 Oakland CA 94604 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Resource Center Oceanside CA Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Transitional Living Center P.O. Box 6103 Orange CA 92651 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shelter From the Storm P.O. Box 781 Palm Desert CA 92260 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 619-328-SAFE Toll Free #: (800)775-6055
bullet Haven House, Inc. P.O. Box 50007 Pasadena CA 91115 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet El Dorado Women's Center Placeville CA 95667 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Porterville Mission Project P.O. Box 2033 Porterville CA 93258 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shasta County Women's Refuge P.O. Box 994211 Redding CA 96099 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Emergency Battered Women's Shelter Redondo Beach CA 90277 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Second Step Shelter Redondo Beach CA 90277 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Center High Desert, Inc. Ridgecrest CA 93555 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Alternatives to Domestic Violence P.O. Box 910 Riverside CA 92502 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)339-SAFE
bullet WEAVE, Inc. P.O. Box 161356 Sacramento CA 95816 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Salinas Women's Crisis Center P.O. Box 1805 Salinas CA 93902 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shelter Plus P.O. Box 3584 Salinas CA 93912 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)339-8228
bullet Calavera Women's Crisis Line Box 623 San Andreas CA 95249 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Human Resources Council P.O. Box 684 San Andreas CA 95249 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Option House, Inc. P.O. Box 970 San Bernadino CA 92402 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Center for Women's Studies and Services 2467 E Street San Diego CA 92102 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet YWCA Battered Women's Services P.O. Box 126398 San Diego CA 92112 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Asian Women's Shelter San Francisco CA 94110 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Family Violence Prevention Fund San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet La Casa de Las Madres San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 415-33-1515
bullet Rosalie House San Francisco CA 94121 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shalom Bayit P.O. Box 64048 San Francisco CA 94164 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet WOMAN, Inc. San Francisco CA 94103 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Next Door, Solutions to Domestic Violence 1181 North 4th Street, Suite A San Jose CA 95112 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet San Leandro Community Counseling San Leandro CA 94577 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Shelter Program, Inc. P.O. Box 125 San Luis Obispo CA 93406 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: (800)549-8989
bullet Women's Resource Center P.O. Box 499 San Luis Rey CA 92068 Business #: ###-###-####
bullet Battered Women's Services of San Mateo Cnty San Mateo CA 94403 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Sor Juana Ines'Services for Abused Women P.O. Box 789 San Mateo CA 94401 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: (800)300-1080
bullet Rainbow Services P.O. Box 1925 San Pedro CA 90733 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Marin Abused Women's Services San Rafael CA 94801 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shelter Services for Women, Inc. P.O. Box 1536 Santa Barbara CA 93102 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Crisis Support Santa Cruz CA 95060 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Shelter Services for Women: Santa Maria P.O. Box 314 Santa Maria CA 93456 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Sojourn Services P.O. Box 5597 Santa Monica CA 90409 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet YWCA Women's Emergency Shelter Program P.O. Box 7164 Santa Rosa CA 95407 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Interval House Crisis Shelters P.O. Box 3356 Seal Beach CA 90740 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-#### Toll Free #: ###-###-####
bullet Mother Lode Women's Center P.O. Box 663 Sonora CA 95370 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Human Options, Inc. P.O. Box 9445 South Laguna CA 92677 Business#: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet So. Lake Tahoe Women's Center South Lake Tahoe CA 96150 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Women's Center of San Joaquin Stockton CA 95204 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Solano County Economic Opportunity Council Domestic Violence Program Suisun CA 94585 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: 707-429-HELP
bullet Lassen Family Services, Inc. P.O. Box 701 Susanville CA 96130 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Project Sanctuary, Inc. P.O. Box 995 Ukiah CA 95482 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: (800)575-HELP
bullet Sanctuary in Abused Family Emergencies (SAFE) Vallejo CA 94590 Business#: 707-648-SAFE Hotline/Crisis: 707-648-SAFE
bullet Family Violence Project Van Nuys CA 91405 Business#: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
bullet Ventura County Coalition Against Household Violence Ventura CA 93003 Business #: ###-###-#### Hotline/Crisis: ###-###-####
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1 mom found this helpful

In the meantime, with all the thinking and decision-making and preparations you have to do, indeed get yourself into Al-anon. It's free, daily meetings everywhere, and confidential. Keep asking for help, try at least 6 meetings. Whether you stay with this bafoom or not, you will still be left with your self-esteem issues and Al-anon is where you will find yourself.
Also, that counselor was untrained or inexperienced. Another counselor would have easily seen his persona and hooked up with him in order to help you (HIM) in healing. Try another, and another until you find one that will help you.
It works like a charm to tell him "oh dear, my new counselor can't figure out what's wrong with me and wants to know what you have to say."
Best of luck, TAKE ACTION. You have no idea the power you have and the love you deserve. Do something different!

1 mom found this helpful

Dear T.,

My apologies for the late posting. I'm sorry you're in such a hard spot. I'm glad you're reaching out for help, though, because no matter what your husband says, this situation is NOT your fault, and unfortunately, you can't do anything to change him. It sounds like you've tried really hard to make it work. I'm sorry I don't have an easy answer for something that will make it better.

What you can do is get the information, help and support that you need. I strongly urge you to contact your local women's shelter (look in the yellow pages under social services/domestic violence) or reply to me with your general area and I help you find your local agency.

Though you likely don't qualify for residential services, unless he's threatened you, or you have reason to fear what he'll do after you leave, your local agency can provide you with tons of support, information and help you plan and make decisions. Also, they should be able to give you some information on the military side, since I guarantee that you are not the only woman who has faced this kind of situation.

good luck, be careful, and please let me know if there is anything other information you need.

take care!
C.

1 mom found this helpful

The military is there to protect the service men. I was married to a Marine. To divorce him your going to have to do two things. Get a lawyer or paralegal or do it yourself. I filed my divorce myself. Its not as hard as you think it is. If your in Southern California, where I am, you can go to the court and they will give you the paperwork. They also have a facilitator and paralegal available to help you fill out the forms. The facilitator can give you legal advice. This is all free of charge. I think this would help you. This is how I filed for my divorce. I tried going on base, but he really mad things difficult for me. And like you said, they really don't want to help you. I know this is hard for you, but be strong. It has taken me four years to finalize my divorce. I was listening to him. He kept telling me there's no rush for us to get a divorce. He's saying this while he's living with his girlfriend. So, take it from me, be strong and just let the court help you. He may play mental games with you. But if this is what you really what, don't let him stop you. I hope this helps. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi T.,

If you just want to talk, you are more than welcome to call me!

I also would like to refer you to an awesome family law attorney friend of mine who can give you a whole lot of options. She'll meet w/ you for a free consultation and she's kind, caring and wonderful - she is always willing to help women in your situation. Her name is Anne Howard - she's in Carlsbad. Her number is ###-###-####. Her assistant's name is Anna, and she's wonderful too! Please call her and get some help, ok? No one deserves to be treated like this...

Blessings and Love,
D.
###-###-####
____@____.com

1 mom found this helpful

Dear T.,

As others have told you California is a Community Property State. You own 50% of everything that the two of you have acquired during your marriage -- retirement accounts, savings, equity -- everything. If he has money to live on, then you have money to live on. And since your marriage had a duration of over ten years, you may be entitled to some alimony until you get back on your own feet. Plus, the cost of an attorney comes out of the marital estate, meaning that if you get an attorney, his income pays for it.

The other thing about California is that it is a No-Fault State. If you want a divorce, you get a divorce: who did what to whom does not matter.

So, T., there is no reason to hold on to what is wrong with your marriage... just get out, take your half, and don't look back.

Good Luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Consult an attorney. My sister is in the navy and told me that if you divorce, you are entitled to some of his pension and as long as he is in the navy, your alimony comes right out of his paycheck. File in California, it is a community property state, you are entitled to some of the profits from the home, but also may be resopnsible for some of the bills. You have rights as a wife, even though you are not working. Some men will say you get nothing because you don't work, but that is bull. Good luck K. E

Sound like you have come to believe what your husband says you are as in this post you present yourself as formely competent but now tentative, fragile, and paralized by fear. I think it would help you to get angry and proactive in a productive way. No violence or anything like that, but getting help in making tough decisions. You can change your life if you want to! Good luck.

Dear T.,

Have you ever watched The officers and a Gentleman? Your husband turned out to be the Sargeant and you are the new recruit. The Sargeant did all he could to break and make the men and the only one that remain to graduate and be officers were the strong one. The one who stood out was Gere who stood up for himself becasue he had nothing else to do and nowhere to go. In the end he earned the respect of his trainer. So you can either stand up to him or get out.
There is nothing he can do but scare you and if he beats you, you can report him. As an officer it will not look good on his record. Divorce is not the answer but if you must, my husband says that you will retain your status as a dependant wife until you remarry. I believe there is a law concerning this.

HI T., Are there any military wives you can trust to talk to? My heart goes out to you. We have some high ranking officers in my family and they are kind, patient and very goofy with their families. Your husband is not supposed to act like that at home. He must have a horrible boss above him. I hope some military wife reaches out to you. There is such a strong sisterhood between them. Why don't you get back in touch with the friends you've left behind at other bases? My cousins wives all have friends around the world. With the internet it is even easier to keep in touch with them. Good luck.

T.,

I am so sorry for you and the situation you are in. My husband was in the Navy for 21 years, and we, too, traveled all over.

I know that you feel lost and alone, and there doesn't seem to be anyone in the Military to help you. However, go to the Chaplain, we found the Catholic chaplains to be the most helpful. Other chaplains can also help. Go to a chaplain. You may be able to get help from the Naval Legal office.

Unfortunately, the Chaplain is your best hope. They will stand by your husband. There may be an opportunity to see you husband's commanding officer, but that is chancy. The Naval Relief Society may be of some help, as well.

Good Luck to you

A.

T., so sorry to hear what you are going through. First, the military won't help you with the divorce paperwork, all legal will do is make sure it's notarized. Second, you have to ask yourself if Divorce is the only answer. If so, you need to take the steps necessary to get out.

Have you tried to talk to his Commander yet? I know, this may not be the best option but, it's best that they know before it gets worse. You can also look for free advice from lawyers in the phonebooks.

You won't be homeless. If you do get a divorce the military should pay to move you back to your home of record along with any household items that you have or want to take with you.

Don't be afraid to talk to someone. Go to Family Support on base and ask. It will help you in the long run.

Hi T.
I am not a military wife, but I have a sister~n~law who is and her husband is the same way sometimes. Not quite sure how they make it work. I have been married long enough to know that his behaviour is unacceptable!!!!!! You must have more confidence in yourself that you are strong, capable and worth fighting for~~~I know this is easier said that done, but I'd call his bluff~~~contact family, move out and if he doesn't see the light, then as hard as it may be, you've made the right choice. I am aware that this decision is a tuff one, but you deserve way better~~~Life is too short!!!! Good luck to you!!!

I feel so horrible for you. I think that you need to do some soul searching and remember who you were before you married him. That person still lives inside you and can be brought out if you really try. He is no better than you by any means, and if divorce turns out to be the only option he will have no choice than to help you financially. You deserve so much better! Take care, God bless and good luck:)

Hi T., sorry to hear you are going through this. First of all he can't kick you out, with out being repermended by his superiors, and as an officer has
a lot to loose. you need to go to Family services on the base, and tell them your situation, don't hold back, and find out what your rights are. Now heres the hard part, this may or may not get him in a little hot water, so be prepared, because if it does, he's going to be angry with you. Do you have children? I'm a Military wife, well my husband is retired now, while we were in Japan a friend of mine wanted to leave her marriage, and she started by going to family services on the base. What part of calif. are you in, I'm here in San Diego if you need a friend. J. L.

My heart goes out to you. I have been stuck too for many years. I had five kids to worry about so I stayed. I wish I would of left. The damage it has done to me has been huge. I've had so much therapy. Plan an escape. Get a good lawyer, he will have to pay you allimony. Serve him papers and he will have to be the one that leaves. Get out of there as fast as you can. Everyday you stay, he is damaging you just that much more.

I will pray for you.

I don't know anything about divorce to help you out but I did want to respond and tell you to hang in there, you won't be homeless, and you will make it through. Stay strong, believe in what you want! Best of luck health, wealth and happiness!

Save some money aside. Stop fighting. Pretend to be submissive. Get as much as you can for as long as you can put aside. Go get a better job. He dominated you and took what you had. If there are no kids involved, there is NO reason to stay and be treated like this for the rest of your life. Pretend pretend pretend until he feels he has control and lightens up. Get enough money to live on for 3-4 months or so, get a better full time job or set one up for just before you leave, and then GET OUT. If he's not going to fight you and is agreeable to the divorce, use Divorce Wizards. They will do it for $300. They are fantastic, as long as there's no fight. He will owe you 50% of what he makes. The courts will award you that. Don't depend on it, but he will get in trouble if he doesn't pay. But you will get your income back up to what it was before you got with this sorry soul and get your life back on your own.

one thing about being in CA, it is a 50/50 state. He has to pay child support and spousal support! (don't get a male room mate!) Get copies of accounts...retirement, saving 401k ANY!! type of account, any paperwork on property or anything you own worth value! from collections of guns or navel history etc, when you leave, possession is 9/10 of the law.. so be sure to take anything of personal family value...chances are he will be mad enough to destroy any photos or anything that meant something to you.Take photos of EVERY THING! then Get OUT NOW...don't wait. It does not get better..only worse! your kids and you need to know you are worth something more than just a piece of dirt one can walk over and kick aside. You are NOT TRASH!! Treat yourself right and teach your kids RIGHT!! (went through a divorce 6 years ago..had a 7ygirl,4yboy,6mboy...get OUT!!) I am assuming you live on base? It will be hard to get help depending on how well he is liked. We humans have a demented since of morals on telling one bad apple from another when we "like" them. Especially when they have seniority. Get copies or print out on the mortgage co. You will be liable for half of the credit debt as well...so be sure to FILE for divorce/legal separation as SOON as you leave, so they can have records as to what was purchased or spent when.i.e. savings went down 5k, the day after you left...or a major purchase was the next day on credit card...it will give the court a "date of separation" so he can not come back and say you were there until....xyz. There are a lot of lawyers that can help you for little to no money, being in the service at his rank, might even call around..may take it from him in the end! Hold your head up, this is the hardest thing you will ever have to do...but after a week or two it will be so clearly simple! So sorry it has come to this. You are definitely not alone!!! Be careful of who you tell you are leaving...word could get back to him QUICKLY...depending on his temperament..may be best to "sneak" out. (load car in garage if you can, watch for nosy neighbours etc) Get in the car and don't look back! It will be the first day of the rest of your life, and a better life than it has been lately!
Oh it is not you that has "gone" in his eyes, it is he who has "risen above the puny earth lings" that has changed!(we don't want to be where he is!) You ARE WORTH IT!! (so are your kid/s)

Hello T., I have not had to deal with military divorce. However, I want you to know that it sounds like you are a very intelligent, compassionate person. Whenever your "husband" is telling you that you are less than anything, you tell yourself (in your head) that you are a beautiful, smart, loving person and drown him out. The more he belittles you, the bigger he feels. Is there a chaplain that you can go and talk to about your husband? From what I have heard they don't want their service people treating a spouse this way. Another option is to make a plan to leave. As soon as you have the plan in motion, you can start to feel as though you have some power. You will then be in control of your life and that of your children. You certainly do not want them to see you allow this to continue.
Good luck with this problem, you deserve much more. Remember that there are many of us out here who care very much about what happens to you. Also, remember that not all men are like this.
K. K.

Get an attorney - you don't need the military to help you. The good news is that you're in Calif which is a community property state. I would imagine that since you paid for his education, and quit working to move for his job, you're going to be in a good position. Good luck.

T., First of all I want to tell you that I know where you are coming from and you are not all the things that he says about you. He is a control freak. I was married to one myself and just had my divorce finalized on Friday. Please get away from him. The damage that he is doing to you, you kids see and therefore affects tham as well. Call your family and ask for help. If he truly didn't want to be with you like he claims he would have kicked you out or left you. This is all about him being in control. He knows that the more he puts you down and threatens your well being and you allow him to do this, he gains more control over you. DO NOT STAY WITH HIM!!! Please find a way to leave and get yourself to a happy safe place. Almost every court has a self help center where you can get free legal advice and help filing out the proper forms. If you ever need a kind ear, please send me a message anytime. Please do get out for the well being of yourself and your kid(s).

Oh My. I have no advise but I just wanted to say good luck to you. This must be so very hard. Remember, you are not defined by his opinions of you. Do you have family somewhere that you can stay with while you get on your feet?

One response states that the military has to help you. Yes, they do in certain areas (making sure you and children are not out on the street, leaving you with nothing.) There are rules and the rules favor the spouse. Here is the tricky part, you have to already know what all those rules are, who to contact to ensure that those rules are being followed, and prove that those rules aren't being adhered to. Easier said then done. Some units are very into doing the right thing and take care of their soldiers (sailors for you) and spouse. Other units only take care of their people and leave the family out in the cold. If you haven't already done so, try to go through his chain of commnad, they can force your husband into marriage counceling, (be aware this route could cause more problems). As for getting the information you need, if the Navy is't giving you any help, then go outside. Here's the thing, in divorce court (last time I checked) the military lawyers have to stay out of it. It is a civil cause. So if you can do it, save money here and there and invest in a lawyer who is extremely familiar with military law regarding marriages and divorces. There are lawyers that specialize. You may have to do a lo of research on the days ahead. Small mistake friends of mine have made, using their home computer. If your husband is as bad as you say, then you may want to us a public computer to ensure privacy.

Hi there - the military is required to help you. go above him or follow some of the advice that was given to you from other military wives. You will get compensated since you left your job and helped fund his education. Don't suffer any further there is help for you and if you can't get an answer from someone above him then speak to an attorney immediatly. Like stated before, you will be entitlefd to his benefits until you remarry and chances are he will need to pay spousal support - the military will not let him get away with that! goodluck to you! don't despair - help is out there!!

ps - if you can speak to those above him they might suggest counseling and he will be required to go! its just a matter of finding the right person and getting them on your side!

My heart breaks for you. One thing I try to teach my daughters is that nobody can make you feel something about yourself you give them the power. I hope you have family somewhere you can go to start over. You teach people how to treat you and if that is how he chooses to treat you teach him that it is not acceptable and you know you deserve better and if he is not going to give you what you deserve then you will move on. You seem like a strong woman that can take care of herself no one deserves to live like that. I hope there is no children in this situation and that you can move on and start a good life on your own. Best of luck to you.

T.,

do you have any children with this man? if i were you I would seek the advice of an attorney immediately. this man is controlling and abusive, this behavior stems from fear. obviously, he is not willing to do the work to figure out where that fear stems from. you are a whole person, you should remember who you are and try to seek some counseling on your own. moreover, you need to remain strong and vigilant. if you have no children then you should consider moving out as soon as possible (obviously after speaking with an attorney). you should also consider seeking help from your family and those who you work with. you need to start reaching out and obviously, you have taken the first step by reaching out here. i would get on a couple of other mommy sites and asking about attorneys. try www.citymommy.com and getting on yahoo groups and looking up the peachhead community. these are both local los angeles groups and you can resource more info on there as well.

i wish you luck and strength, please don't let this man control your life any longer. remember who you are....

T.,

I am very sorry to have read your post. I feel for you! First, please know that you are not alone. Unfortunately, people change. I would suggest finding a lawyer or a paralegal who will consult with you for free or for a nominal fee. Then they can tell you what your options are. Being married for 14 years and him making most of the money, I'd say you'll be entitled to some alamony and health coverage. If you have any kids, he'll have to pay for child support since he makes more. I'd also suggest that if you are sure you are going to leave, get a checking account and a credit card or two in your name only and tuck away some money. Tell someone, a friend, a relative of the situation...that you are unhappy, you plan to seek legal counsel on what your rights are and you are going to leave him. If you need to borrow money to 'get out' because it's unsafe or it's just time to leave, just ask someone. Don't feel you have to stay because you have no help. There's always help!!
Again, I'm very sorry you are going through this. It will get better. You seem to already know that you need to leave. Do not think for a second that you can change him back....you can't sweetie, not matter how hard you try, so don't waste your time. See this as an opportunity to get your education and get back on the right track for you. Look back at the last 14 years as an adventure that has run its course. Better times are in store for you.
Take good care!!! E.

Hi, T.,

I and many of my relatives are military veterans. I haven't gone through a divorce; I have gone through some extremely unpleasant break-ups with men who were in the military. By the way, I was an officer and my father was an enlisted man before he became an officer. I don't think becoming officers made us feel superior to others. Based partly on what I've observed and partly on what I've guessed, an attitude of superiority has more to do with personality than with rank.

One thing you might consider while you are still married is seeking individual, as opposed to couples, counseling on base. I've found some military psychologists helpful and some not.

I don't know what your financial situation is (assets, debts, number of dependents, etc.), but if your husband is an officer, then I think that you will be OK financially after a divorce. To help assess your financial situation, find out if the military credit union offers any financial planning. Even if it does not, you can get a decent idea of how much you are entitled to by looking at your husband's pay stubs. If you cannot get his pay stubs, then you can look at the military pay chart.

Yet another thing you might consider while married is seeking legal counsel through the military. I realize that military services (psychological, financial and legal help) can vary drastically from base to base and person to person. However, you might find a helpful professional who is available to help you at no cost.

If you cannot find military personnel to help you with psychological, financial and legal issues, then it might be worthwhile to seek civilian counsel, even if you have to pay some money up front. Good advice now might leave you better off in the long run.

Good luck,
L. E

chin up!! ur husband is exactly like my ex bro-in-law. get a restraining order and a move out, meaning he would have to move out. my sister took half of the money in the bank acct to find a lawer and left. dont know if u could do this being military and all. my sister waited too long. she wanted to stay for the kids sake but doing so the 2 older boys 15/18 wanted to stay with dad, the 8 yr old daughter of course left with my sister. it broke her heart. every civilian know's how hard it is for the military wife. good luck.

Can u find a woman's shelter? or just make a plan..like first get a better job so u can make more money then save some and get out of there? can u take some money from him? yeah i said it..u paid for his education he owes you..sounds like an awful situation..and u have no family? what about find a job as a live in nanny? then you could get away..find another man?? how about go online and try internet dating?? could u get away w/ that? not the best advice but i don't know what else to tell u..can u talk to a lawyer about divorcing him? then u could get alimony..i think in your mind u need to make a list of what u should do and take each step...one day at a time as they say..
and move on w/ your life you will be WAY happier and wish u had left sooner..just by posting this you are taking a step..
hope someone has some really good advice for you..if it were me...i would go to my parents home but if you don't have that i don't know where u should go...but make a plan and move on it..good luck
hugs
D.

I would talk to Fleet & Family Support or go through Military One Source. Either of these should be able to guide you in the right direction. Fleet & Family also has counselors available if needed.

Hi T.,
I am really in no place to give you advice, but I do know that many churches offer free counseling and will often give financial support if needed. Additionally, of the bigger churches have support groups for single/separated parents. Perhaps this might offer you what you need.

One thing I want to make sure you know. You are entitled to 50% of his retirement pay. However, if you divorce, you should make sure the court orders him to sign up for SBP (Survivor Benefit Plan) when he retires. It will cost him a small part of his retirement pay, but it will provide you with part of his retirement pay if he dies before you. Otherwise your part of his retirement pay will cease with his death. I am the wife of a retired military officer who was also enlisted. I recommend the chaplain, legal office, and Military One Source. Also, if you are in San Diego county, The San Diego County Bar Association Lawyer's Referral Service will refer you to a qualified attorney who will give you a one hour free consultation, either in person or over the phone. If you are afraid he will be physically abusive, you should get out and contact his commanding officer.

I am not in the military so I couldnt relate to your situation so I ran it by my friend whose husband is a navy man who also lives on port hueneme.. here is what she said, "Tell her to divorce him before they move because California is very good to women in divorces especially if children are involved. If he gets mean call the MPs and they will make him stay in a "cool off" room until the situation is better."
Good Luck and keep your chin up.