HELP.... I Just Gained a Teen!

Yikes, kiddo!!
OK-First off, a sit down with your darling husband is in order. I mean a capital "C" conference, not complaining or asking for help, but truly a negotiation. Get a sitter, send the kids to Grandma's, whatever it takes to get some one on one time with hubby and get the conversation started. He has to be co-leader and co-parent with you if you are to get any peace.

You said you have docked allowances and such that the girls now owe you money? Was your husband in on this arrangement?

(HUMOR me while I go on a bunny trail *wink-- it is appalling, in my opinionated opinion, to pay children for household chores-it teaches them all the wrong things about family cooperation, makes them overly money concious and ties caring for one's family and one's belongings to monetary reward. OK- rant over;)

There are somethings that are simply required to make a household run-laundry, dishes, cooking, grocery shopping, etc. No single family member should be expected by the other family members to perform personal care tasks, unless age or infirmity restricts someone's ability to perform the task for his or herself. So, pracitcally speaking, that means that the older girls can learn to do laundry, help with dinner, cook the occasional meal, and babysit. YES, I said it, Babysit.

But this is something that MUST be brought to the table and discussed with your husband. It sounds as though he may have abdicated the parenting and housekeeping responsibility solely to you. And this may be one very important reason his daughters have come to live with you-so that you and your husband can begin truly negotiating what kind of parents you want to be, both individually and together. Beyond all that you must provide a united foundation of clearly delineated expectations for your kids-and you can't do that on your own steam. GET HUBBY!!! I don't care if right now he thinks he is SUPERDAD because he occasionally picks up his socks and washes a plate, and don't let him give you the "I provide the money" line either. A family is an organism AND an organization. If one cell gets infected, or depleted, or overworked, the entire organism is at risk.

If you made it all the way to the bottom of my little sermon there is one other thing to bring to the table. Your step-daughters have been through a trying time in their lives. The interaction and support of their father by establishing a healthy, cooperative environment for them to regain a sense of security and order should be one of his highest priorities.

Hang in there!!!

1 mom found this helpful

S.,

My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you have a really challenging situation at hand. Trust me when I say God will be the ONLY one to get you thru all of it. He answers our prayers and gives us the power to get thru anything, all we have to do is ask.

Central Christian Church is a great place to come to help your family learn how to peacefully interact and have harmony in your home. I promise, it is the BEST thing you can do for your family at this point in time. They have fantastic children's services that will motivate your children to change from the inside. Please read my review below and please come and see what it's all about. I am a small group leader there for the elementary kids. It is an awesome experience for kids and adults. Plus, if you get into the small groups, you will be in community and have others to lean on. Let me know if you need babysitter reccommendations. I can empathize with you somewhat as I have a 3 year old and am in a nursing program, and at times I get so overwhelmed and buy smokes too (and drive my family crazy). Write back if you have anymore questions, or if you'd just like to talk.

PS. Sleep IS over-rated, I say that too! :)

Here's my review of Central:
It's a GREAT non-denominational Christian church! Real-life approach, "It's ok to not be ok." Plenty of opportunity to plug in to a small group to be in community with others of similar age/interests/stage in life. Get involved, you'll be so happy and thankful when you do.

They also just opened up a new location in Summerlin. Address is 333 South Pavilion Center Drive @ Palo Verde High School
Off 215 between Summerlin Parkway & W. Charleston
At W. Alta and N. Pavilion Center Dr.
Summerlin Services
Sundays @ 10:00 & 11:30 am

Henderson Services
Saturdays @ 6:30 pm
Sundays @ 8:45, 10, and 11:30 am

**Actor Stephen Baldwin will be appearing Oct. 21 & 22. Come check it out!

Hi Stephanie,

I became a mother when I was 25. My husband had 3 boys so it was instant. Our youngest was 4. Thier birth mother had walked out on all of them when the youngest was 6 months old. Crazy huh? Anyway they are now 15, 14, & 10. Very busy ages. Entering their lives, I started out by just loving on them a lot. Huggging them wether they liked or not. Telling them every morning, before they went to bed, and when they would leave to go somewhere or I would that I loved them. It took about a month or so and I watched a change in them with how they warmed up to me. They needed and wanted a mother figure in their life. Now with them in the teen years, I know I just have to be firmer. I'll tell you though what really help is that I will go in their rooms at night when they are sleeping with my husband and we pray over them. We pray for their lives and anything they are struggling with or having a hard time with. We pray for their strenghts and weeknesses. We pray God would direct and lead their paths. Pray that the girls would be able to trust in you. It might take time you will notice a change. Just persevere and be patient. If you want to pray for you let me know.
-D.

Wow sweetie!!!! First, take a deep breath. Are you whining? I know it's not intentional, but think about your tone and demeanor? Next, talk to your husband. Seriously, and as calmly as possible. He is going to have to be the one to talk to his girls. As a stepmom myself, my experience has been anything that your husband doesn't back you up on, isn't going to happen. You need to approach this as a team, and he needs to be on your side all the way.
Take care of you and your needs. If you aren't ok, yoi can't be ok with any one else, let olone five anyone's.

Hi S.,
I'll keep this simple, but I'm a Love & Logic parent and its saved our family with my own child and when my B-friends 15 yr old niece came to live with us due to her troubles at home.
http://www.loveandlogic.com
I love & believe in it so much I recomend it to anyone, (it works on my boyfriend too, lol) Good Luck.

Hi, the first thing you need to understand about having a big family with teens and small ones is..... there is no "balance" the stress will eventually mellow. Your husband is not ignoring you he just simply doesn't know what to do either.
First off WOW what a big undertaking. Make school a priority, the kids can and will survive without ALL of mommy's attention. You are not a bad mom no matter what the kids make you feel like. The chores will still be there after the kids are in bed and your homework is done. Learn to say "so what" to the things you can't get to. Ask your husband to enforce the assigned chores for the older kids. This will ensure that the cleaning gets done and your husband doesn't feel like a work horse after a full day at the job. The kids will learn to be responseable from doing chores, they are not being treated as slaves so don't feel guilty for asking your family to help each other with all the duties. The big kids help the little kids and all of them can clean. That's the great part about a big family, if everyone chips in then the work isn't so much. The kids will respond better to any requests if you simply explain that You need help and why. By needing help so you can do homework that lets them know that they are important and they can relate on a different level because they have homework too. It's hard to need help from the ones that you are supposed to be helping but it will strengthen your relationship if you explain yourself instead of just saying do this do that. Hope this helps for you, it sure works for me. Understandingly yours B.

I just wanted to say that it is good that you were able to get your stepdaughters! my stepdaughter is 7 and I SO wish amd pray I could have custody of her...Her mom has a HUGE list of problems and when I do get to see my stepdaughter she always tells me mommy is mean and she wants to come live with me FOREVER!!!

It's only been a few months for you and though I don't know how it is to have a big family and so suddenly I know that in no time you will get things worked out...Talk with your husband more about helping and even get the kids to help out! They are old enough for chores and stuff...=). I don't know if you have already, but talk to your teachers and even boss and I am sure they can help you out as well!!! I hope everything gets better for ya!!! And I praise you for all the work you are doing! You are doing a GREAT job!!! =)

S.,
Taking on a step child is hard -let only taking on two teens. You and your husband need to sit down and look at the daily activities that need to be done. You may need to cut back in classes until you have things moving more smoothly. Also, you should probably look at cutting back in sports unless your husband can pick up some slack there.

There are always adjustments when combining families and everyone just needs time and attention until they really get to know each other. I'd say your step daughters are acting out a little because they are not really sure what's going to happen and how things will really be in your home. You might try talking with their school counselor to get some help. Also, it would be a good idea to talk to a family counselor who can help you all through this transition. There are a lot out there that specialize in combined families.

Most of all, take a deep breath...it will get better. Your husband will need to do more than load the dishwasher, at least for a while. But also know that it's okay if your house goes a while before getting cleaned. I know that laundry and cooking waits for no one, so definitely recruit help. Things will look a litle better once you start sleeping again - it really does put a mental strain on you.

Keep your chin up and stay positive. It will all come together.

You sound like your doing a great job! I commend you for doing what you are doing. Maybe a quick gratification is what the older children are seeking. This might be going to the mall with a group of friends after school if their chores are done the night before or consecutively for three days. If you give any more time than that it sounds as if they feel like it isn't worth it. This can take some of the load off your shoulders in regards to the chores. I know that money is tight and all I can offer for that is some info on how to make extra cash around your busy schedule. If your interested just let me know when a good time to reach you and a number to reach you at.

When I went to TMCC I had a family emergency. I was able to talk with my councilor and stopped going to school to deal with the emergency. The school and financial add waived the cost that was owed back to them for not finishing my classes and the grades I received were wiped clean from my record. In some cases this is allowable. I would definitely bring it up with you school councilor or look into it if this is going to be a permanent change. You could also talk to some of your teachers to let them know what’s going on and they sometimes will let you have an extension on finishing the semester so as to lesson your load; therefore settling down and establishing routines can be done. School will always be there. This is detrimental to the children and your household and I wish you the best of luck what ever you decide on doing.

~G.

The girls are old enough to take on some responsibilities. With my second marriage, we gained his son, ( I have 2 of my own) and it was so hard because we ran our house very strick and his mother did not. He didnt have to do anything there, no rules, no chores, nothing! It also made me crazy, so I can totaly see where you are coming from. Just try to remember that for the last how ever many years they have lived by a different set of rules (even though it isn't an excuse for them not to listen) Your husband needs to lay down the law with them also, they need to hear it from him that you are a parent figure. You need back up. What I did with mine is reward them for what they did do and not punish them for what they didn't. Maybe try that for a while since they have been through a lot and are prob. trying to deal w it.

Wow! and double wow! You are trying to do way too much. You are not super human. I praise you for wanting to but you cannot. I suggest that if you're not able to eliminate some of those activities on your own that you start counseling with a professional counselor. You cannot possibly do all that you're doing. If I were you I would stop all extra curricular activities, perhaps even school or at least take fewer classes, until you get a workable routine going at home. Someone else can be the Girl Scout leader. Perhaps your husband can take the kids to ball practices or perhaps that can be put on hold too.

The most important thing is for you to take care of yourself. If you snap who will take care of the kids? And what kind of a parent can you be when you are overloaded and stressed out? It's important for you to schedule daily time just for you.

I would also highly recommend that your family get started into counseling to help you with the stress of combining 2 families and dealing with teenagers, and getting your husband able to help you.

I wonder if he is overwhelmed himself and he handles it by withdrawing? His not helping could be caused by all sorts of things. But his help is essential. You need to find a way to get his help and counseling will help do that.

I want to say once more that you cannot do it all. Something has to give and I hope that you make sure it's not you that gives. ie. snaps Again, I praise you for taking on this responsibility. You are a special person. I will keep you in my prayers.