Help: How Do I Support a Mom-to-be Faced with "Reducing" Her Multiple Pregnancy?

You have got to just be there for her, and be as objective and non0jugdemental about it as you can, make sure that she knows that she can call upon you for emotional support at any time. I understand that for plenty of people, being afraid of 'burdening' others with their problems sometimes hinders them from finding a supportive environment. This is going to be a very personal decision for her and her spouse, so let them make that decision for themselves and just be there, as you are already. She is lucky to have a friend like you, I hope this all works out well for her.

3 moms found this helpful

I would just pray for her during this time. Let her know that you are thinking of her often and praying for her while she makes this gut wrenching decision. Maybe just a card in the mail to let her know she is in your thoughts.

2 moms found this helpful

I am feeling that you are having a difficult time personally with this. I think it is a good thing you are not close by so you can contact her via phone (I wouldn't use email because your intonations will not come through in your voice. This could cause communication issues.) You don't have to agree or disagree with what she decides. You can reinforce that she has made the decision that is best for her as you know she has struggled with it. We all make choices and this is one big one she has to make and live with for eternity. With all that being said, I feel she should let nature take its course. God has blessed her with these babies for a purpose. There is a life lesson in this. I have some strong feelings about playing God and now she is in this dilemma. Hummm...Life lesson? Just be as supportive as you can as a friend and know what to say without judgement. Also know when not to say something or bow out of the situation. Sometimes we have to make these decisions on our own. When the babies arrive, be as supportive as you can. Hopefully, she will have support in caring for them with local friends, neighbors and family. Keep us posted.

2 moms found this helpful

I think you need to take her lead and respond accordingly. I would be hesitant to immediately memorialize her lost 'children'...she may not see them as that.

Be supportive, offer a shoulder to cry on and if after a couple of months, her focus is only on her impending arrivals, then share in her joy.

I agree with you whole heartedly that as a good friend, this is her family decision and she needs your support, not judgement more than anything right now. You are a VERY good friend for being willing to give that so generously and I applaud you!!!

2 moms found this helpful

It's an extremely personal decision for only her and the father to make. As a friend I would accept without comment any route she chooses. I wouldn't bring it up in conversation and I wouldn't offer advice. Just listen and give hugs.

2 moms found this helpful

You asked for advice on how you can support her, not on the rights or wrongs so I am going to start there. Create a beautiful coupon book. Have the coupons say "one free middle of the night call to just be there to hear you cry". One coupon that would say "Here to be a sounding board with no judgement" Etc-- give you the tool that she will know you are there for her with no judgement. Even if she never uses them- she will know you are there just for her to use if she needs too. This decision no matter what is the worst torture any parent can go thru and I pray she finds "mind" comfort!!

2 moms found this helpful

It sounds as if she is struggling with the decision herself and you may want to advise her to talk to her pastor (if she has one) or a counselor. This is abortion and there are a lot of psychological issues that can follow her the rest of her life. Support her as a friend with prayer and listening to her. I do not recommend a gift. But I do think as a friend you can offer advise bc you do see her struggling with the decision (otherwise, she would have already made the decision).

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. Well... I think if you just let her know (either verbally or in written form) that you are there for her anytime should she ever need anyone to lean on through this very difficult time that you are there for her to support her and love her.

As for the gift, I think not. And regarding the topic, is there anyone out there that can speak to the topic of why doctors and implant more than they are willing to see the woman carry? And why they would advise the mother to accept more than she is willing to carry?

Unless you are asked, and really, only if she asks for your opinion... this time is difficult for her deal and unsolicited advise will just push her away, but if she asks for your opinion, like another woman stated earlier, she will never forget the baby or babies that she chose to sacrifice... it will be a forever hurt and although she thinks she will be able to live with that.... there are many women who find it very difficult to live with. I would advise her seek counsel. Meaning, seek advise from women who have been in this position and have made these choices. To speak to people who have never lived it, is less powerful and less insightful than to speak to women who have been in her shoes and that can offer true insight as to what she will have to emotionally, mentally and spiritually deal with on the other side of this decision.

1 mom found this helpful

How many did they implant her with? I would be nervous about that sort of thing because what if they messed up and she lost all the babies. i would hate to be in that situation

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, what a hard decision; It's like in "Sophie's Choice" (great, but very emotional movie, BTW, if anyone hasn't seen it. Which of her kids will she surrender to the Natzi's, so that the other might live?) What an awful position to be in! I will be praying for her to make the right decision. I really don't have any great advice for your support, except prayer. Just lending an ear is oft times the best support. Words are so shallow in times like these. You don't mention how far along she is. Many times only one or two will survive anyway, so maybe she won't have to make that decision, it will be made for her.

1 mom found this helpful

I feel like I should chime in here, because I have had fertility problems and have been advised that I need to be prepared to make the same decision, so I have done a lot of the dark-night-of-the-soul stuff that goes along with it.

First off, I want to respond to some of the comments here. The docs don't implant more than someone can carry. There are many different ways that folks get fertility help, not just IVF. In my case, when I ovulated there were many many eggs, so to even try to get pregnant with one meant the possibility of getting pregnant with many. I am a staunch Christian, but if one more person tells me to not let the doc do anything and "just pray" I'm going to lose my mind--I have a hard time believing that God wants me to compromise my children's lives, my own life, and the lives of my husband and son by carrying octuplets, but it is at the same time a horrible, gut wrenching decision that cannot be made with one's head in the sand. Just putting that out there to give you some perspective on where your friend might be.

About your friend...I would not get gifts to memorialize the children. This is a philosophical debate, but some don't believe that they are technicially babies yet because their hearts aren't beating yet when the procedure is done. If your friend is in that camp you don't want to open a can of worms for her, as it were. Even if she does see them as children I wouldn't memorialize them, as she and her hubby and God are the only ones who can help her come to terms with it.

That said, I applaud you for being a concerned and caring friend. If her situation is anything like mine, that is what she needs more than anything. I like what someone said about letting her know she can call in the middle of the night. Also, maybe you could send her some kind of token gift (flowers? a card?) that shows her you are thinking of her even though you are far.

Sorry to write a novella, I just felt compelled to comment since this is near to my heart and mind.

1 mom found this helpful

My best advice is to pray about it. God has blessed her with all of those babies for a reason. IF God brings you to it he will bring you through it. I hope I have not offended you but that is what I think is best.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow. This is a tough one. If it were me ( I went through fertility issues for 10 years, 5 miscarrages and finally have a beautiful son) I think that I would follow the doctors advice. I would do whatever I had to do to be able just to have one let alone several. I will keep you guys in my prayers and hopefully she will make the right decision whether is be deciding to tough it out or to reduce.Good luck and let us know how it turns out.

1 mom found this helpful

C.,

I have a friend who her & husband could not get pregnant. They did the fertility treatments and became pregnant with TWINS! :-) She was physically fit with no health problems and carried both babies. They are healthy and loving life.

If you are a true friend, friends tell friends their opinions on matters like this even when they are not asked. Because sometimes we don't want to hear things that go against our own decisions and beliefs. But, our friends know us the best and can provide that tipping point comment that pushes us one way or the other. It is your obligation to SPEAK UP in this decision and express your thoughts.

Now, that said, I AM FOR KEEPING THE BABY. I believe STRONGLY in the right for a woman to choose. SHE HAS WAITED FOR THE CHANCE TO HAVE A BABY AND NOW IS BEING BLESSED WITH TWO!!!! If she has the physicial stamina for carrying the babies, I say GO FOR IT! HOW WONDERFUL. I will be thinking of both of you and hubby in this decision. Good luck!

I would tell her to put it in Gods hands and he will handle it. I personally would not reduce the pregnancies. Yes, I know easier said than done! I would tell her to pray about it.

This is definately a tough situation. I am sure that she would love to have all the babies. I would encourage you to pray for her and advise her to listen to the specialists and pray about her decision. I have a friend who was in this situation. She chose not to terminate any of the babies. She was pregnant with 2 boys and 2 girls. One boy and one girl did not survive. I met her when her 2 surviving children were 6 years old. They named the two babies that did not survive. Whatever your friend decides keep her in your prayers and let her know she made her best decision based on information the doctor's gave her and what her natural instincts led her to. We do not know the future, hopefully, she will be blessed with at least one happy, healthy, child and possibly more than one happy, healthy, child.

In my opinion, the best support for her would be to pray for her. She is faced with a very difficult decision...should she choose to terminate/reduce the pregnancy, she will likely need your prayers for peace....dealing with termination of even part of the pregnancy, especially when she had fertility issues, will be unsettling and stressful. Should she choose to continue with the pregnancy as is, she will need prayer for strength, health for her and the babies, peace for this decision and prayers also for her husband. In any instance, prayer is an answer and regardless of her relationship with her creator, you can stand in the gap for your friend. Lots of physicians believe in the power of prayer. I know it works. Try it. :)

I respect your devotion to your friend and your wisdom in deciding to keep your own counsel on the matter.
Whenever a loved one is experiencing a hard time, I look for little encouragement presents. Search out lots of uplifting positive message cards and send one every week or every day (whatever you like). Other things that can be easily and cheaply mailed like wallet cards with cute sayings or prayers or fridge magnets, Teensie boxes, earrings, etc. Everyone loves to get something unexpected in the mail. That's what I think would be a good way to show her your support. I doubt that any of my friends would hold their tongues on such a decision and I bet she's getting plenty of feedback from many, many sources. So I disagree with other posts that say you should tell her what you think unsolicited. But ... if she asks ....?

My prayers go out to both her and you. When it comes to getting help to have babies, it's best to continue with the doctors advice, that is true. She will always be reminded of this time and it might be in her best interest to have some kind of ceremony or dedication for the her loved ones she has to give up. I would look for books, that take into account loosing children. It's going to be a difficult road, so I would listen more and take cues from her. Remember listen twice talk once. There are no rules to friendship, and loss. She's going to have mixed emotions for "forever," and will flip flop back and forth about her decisions, and her feelings. Being there is really the best thing anyone can do. It might mean being the kind of person she can yell and scream to, and then get comfort from. Praise God he is already healing the aches and pains; and never leaves us.

It is the doc's decision. The doc shouldn't have implanted so many eggs to begin with. On the other hand, maybe she would not have gotten pg. Tell her to have faith in her doc, and let him decide what to do for her health. In no way, ever mention it again or send a gift for babies that won't be born. That is just my opinion. Strictly, her health.