Help How Do I Get My Daughter to Stop Hitting and Being Mean to Her Older Bro

Updated on May 28, 2009
R.S. asks from Gilbert, SC
5 answers

My daughter is my middle child.She is 6 1/2. She is a very beautiful child and always willing to help. She loves to talk, dance and sing. However she can be extremely mean and violent to her 11 year old brother.
She always wants to stay right with him. Yet she is always yelling at him and hitting him. She get punished for this (things get taken away, loses tv,gets sent to her room,ect..) yet nothing seems to work. I am at my wits end trying to find a way to get her under control. Does anyone have any suggestions?

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F.R.

answers from Atlanta on

Hi R.,
I have a 2 year old, so I havent had to face this issue, but I think you should take a step back and really try to figure out your daughter's motivation. I've read prob 5-6 different parenting-child psychology books and I believe that all of them would say that there is an underlying reason your child is doing this.
Maybe she is viewing him as a surrogate parent and expressing anger that she realy may have toward you ...but since she cant be mean to you, she's mean to him.

Ok- so that may just be psycho babble but my point is that there is probably an underlying issue and if you resolve that, you may resolve the hitting.

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S.G.

answers from Savannah on

Have you heard Newton's Law?......For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Kudos to your son for not hitting her back, he knows better. But I really think that this is what your daughter needs. Talk to your son, allowing him to hit her back the same way she hits at him. She hits him in the arm, he gets to hit her in the arm. Not hard but enough to get the point across. Your daughter is old enough to understand it isn't nice to hit and I'm sure you've told her not to hit unless she wants to be hit (do unto others as you would do yourself). Well, it's time for her to see how her hitting affects her brother. I bet after a few times of her brother standing up for himself, she'll knock it off!

Good luck!
S.

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P.S.

answers from Macon on

Does your oldest child get any special treatment or anything that his sister would be jealous of. Try to find out why she hits him.
P. S

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J.S.

answers from Atlanta on

Hi R.,

Well, you have discussed her behavior, but not necessarily any info in order to actually act with. Does she only act this way to her brother or is it just greater here, but exists other places. If it existed here and to some degree in other circumstances, i would suggest a good hard look at her ability to cope and manage stress (I would also say health is an issue, diet should be looked at, herbal yeast control needed etc).

If it is only happening with her brother (and not really to any degree outside that) I would recommend a play therapist certified and one that has a playroom as an office, not a talk therapist "for children". All children can benefit from this and parents would be amazed at what they can learn. Stanley greenspan uses floortime therapy for severe development conditions, but play therapy is fabulous at getting to the root of what is going on with a child.

If therapy is not an option. get on the floor iwth your daughter and play with her. Make a character do somehting to her charater (as she allows you in) that he may do to her ad see what she says to your character. Hit her character or allow hers to hit yours. Then ask her "I am not sure what he/she should do, do you know?". Ask questions and make statements and see how she responds. Remember, this should be done slowly. Kids are smart and will figure out if you are just pumping them. Get in there with her and play, learn, and discover.

i have no trouble with a good disciplineary action including spanking, but if there may be something that she isnot capable of dealing with, you will only isolate her with consequential behavior. One way to find out is to disipline with consequences consistently. If after 2-3 weeks of consistency, nothing changes, you know you have more to discover. Discipline won't develop skills, it will only change behavior that is capable of changing.

good luck, J.

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N.R.

answers from Atlanta on

I want to know what kinds of solutions you get. As my 8 year daughter likes to hit her grandparents, and my husband. She gets annoyed and then hits....I am curious to read your responses.....Just wanted you to know I have done similar things as well to no avail. So you're not alone!
-N. R

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