Help for Fearful 2 and Half Year Old at Bedtime

My friend has a daughter who was afraid of shadows. She filled a squirt bottle with water, and sprayed the parts of her room that she saw as scary ( she made up some name for the bottle, like bye-bye scary spray), and after a few nights, she wasn't scared any more.

he might be old enough (especially if he is pretty smart!) to brainstorm his own solutions...

tell him, bedtime has been very hard for both of you, and you want to know what he thinks would help make things go better at bedtime. see what he says...

I see also that you are a full-time student. Maybe this is his way of getting you to pay more attention to him/spend more time with him.

The smart one's are the hardest to get to sleep J.. Read: Raising Your Spirited Child, a book about kids who are smarter than we are (15% fall into this category). My 13 year old was the last one to sleep when she was a toddler. There was nothing I could do to get her to lie down and sleep, she was just WAY too busy! She didn't nap either, which made it worse.

The upside of this is that she is a bright, energetic and fun-loving 13 year old and she sleeps fine now. Reading the book will give you all kinds of ideas for things that are also worrying you about your son. You will thoroughly enjoy it.

In the mean time, turn off all the lights when you go to bed (or pretend to go to bed, which is what I did) so that the house is quiet. With nothing to do, he'll fall asleep pretty quick. No music, no light, no possibility that someone will be up soon is what he needs to make sure he won't miss anything while he is wasting his time sleeping. :o)

HOw does he know "what to be scared of"? Perhaps you talk to him about dangerous things a little too much, he may start to believe that there is a child molester or a kidnaper behind every bush and around every corner. 2 year olds have a very hard time distinguishing between fantasy and reality, if you warn him of dangerous people allot he may start to give them monsterous super powers in his mind and believe that bad men can get him mo matter where he is. He may feel that the only time he is safe is when you are right with him. I had a friend who was so obsessed with keeping her daughter safe and aware of "stranger danger" that the child was too afraid to play with other kids her age at the park because they were "strangers". She also had to sleep in bed with her parents or she would cry for hours because she thought that the strnagers were coming to get her. I don't know if that is your problem or not, but just keep in mind that your child may be getting a little too much exposure to "what to be scared of" talk.

do you know what he's really afraid of? is it the dark, monsters, etc?

our son is also quite smart & we found that he simply started stalling at bedtime around that age because it was more fun being up with mom & dad than going to bed. :) by the same token, he was also legitimately afraid of monsters at the time. we started using "monster spray" & everyone has a different idea of what to use - air freshener, plain water in a spray bottle, etc. we used a lavender linen spray because lavender is a soothing, sleepy scent. worked like a charm.

we also had 2 nightlights, regular music (which has since been discontinued for quite some time) & white noise (a fan, a humidifier, etc.). we still have the 2 nightlights & white noise & chase is almost 4.5! it works though. we also found that a very consistent bedtime routine helped us tremendously - bath, brush teeth/take medicine, potty, 1-2 stories (depending on length) & 1-2 songs (depending on time).

we also promise to check on him when we go to bed, so he knows he's not abandoned in his room at bedtime. he still calls for us every once in awhile, but in the last year or so he's really mastered falling asleep on his own & sleeping in his bed all night.

sorry for the rambling, i hope it helped though!
J.
mom to chase (4.5) & paige (due 6.2.08)

J.; i dont know if he has the monster under the bed symdrome, ahahha if he does try monster spray, haaha usually just a bottle filled with water, labeled monster spray, sleep well, no worries, etc, let your imagination fly, hahahaha, any way spray under the bed, with monster be gone, and this can sometimes works, other wise it was fun to try, who knows when and how it works, hahahaah it works differenty in different children, hahaha its cute, and could work, if his fears are monsters under the bed, if not, prayer is always good, so is just giving the child the emotional support he needs, the childhood fears like those soon go away, what were your fears? when younger,? how did your parents handle it ? just be a good mom and work through them, and support your child, days will fly, and you will miss being able to be there to comfort him at the time he needs it, D. s

Hi J.,

He might be scared, but children are very smart...it's accomplishing what he wants, which is your attention. That means you are going to have to outsmart him...put him to bed and mean it. Give him consequences for getting up, or give him rewards for staying in bed and going to sleep. See what works. Don't give in, and be consistent.

C.

You already got some great responses so I'll just add one thing. There is a Veggietales movie called where is God when I'm scared? It is quite simple and gives you more ideas to talk about at bedtime. We watched it a couple of times and then my son wasn't fighting bedtime as much because he was scared. Good luck.

I totally understand how hard it is when you don't know if your child is really scared or just "playing you", but 11pm is way to late for any toddler to be up. My sister has a 5 year old who will not go to bed good for her ever! She had leukemia and during her treatment she had trouble sleeping anyway so she would stay up in the living room with him watching movie after movie until he finally passed out and her husband would carry him to bed. Last weekend he spent the night at my house as his bestest friends are my two boys ages 10 and 4. They watched Star Wars together with popcorn and had a great time, but when the movie was over he came to me and told me he needed another show. I said, "no, sorry, it's bed time now. We all ready watched a show." He started to cry and said he wanted mom and dad. I was firm yet gentle with him and told him we'd see mom and dad in the morning and that Uncle Mike and Aunite L. loved him and he needed to close his eyes and sleep just like his cousins. It only took 15 minutes for him to fall asleep and he only cried for a minute and a half until he realized I was not going to give in to the tears. Kids are so smart, but they need us to be in charge. My kids have had a 9 oclock bedtime their entire life and have never stayed up past 10. Even my 10 year old. He has sleep overs sure, but we wear them out playing hard all day that they are ready to watch a movie or play a card game and then go to bed. Set the bar that you are in charge, that bed time is bed time, and that he can not stay up. You can still give him hugs and tell him you love him and reassure him there is nothing to be scared of, but don't let him drag it out. He'll learn that he's not getting anywhere with his stalling tactics and after a couple of nights he'll stop fighting it. Good luck!

We had the same situation when my son was 2.5. I recycled a hairspray bottle by putting water and drop of vanilla extract in it, made a new label on the computer and taped it on. Before we would go to sleep, we would spray by his bedroom door, closet door and under the bed. This worked well as he still had the concept of bug spray in the summer. He called it Monster Spray.

We tried with a not so common brand of air freshner. That worked until he saw it at Grandma's house and asked if she had monsters too.

hey J.
when our son was going through a phase of being afraid of monsters we gave it a name. If something has a name then you can't be afraid of it. so when our son would say mommy the monster is in my room I would just say oh charlie is back for a visit. after a while he quit saying that he had a monster in his room. hope this helps

J.,
What is he scared of?? Is it the darkness? Does he just not want to go to bed? I guess you need to figure out what he is scared of, or if he is scared at all. They say you should develop a bedtime routine. If you want him to be asleep by 9pm, you could start the routine at 8pm. First get his PJ's on, then maybe you could sit and read a couple books, or sit and watch one of his shows on DVD, and he can have some milk. Or maybe include his bath, and put some Johnson's soothing bedtime bath stuff in there. And the next step is getting in bed by 9pm. Once he's used to the routine, and knows what to expect, maybe he'll be better with it. Maybe he should get in bed at 8:45, and then you could lay there and read a book to him until 9:00, and then it's "lights out." Good luck.

Did you try glow-in-the-dark stick-on ceiling stars? Put a million of those things on his ceiling and maybe he will fall asleep trying to count all of them like my kids do. It was $1 per package at Wal-Mart. We did it just for fun but I can imagine it may help solve nighttime problems for some children.

We just went through this too, with our 5 year old. His fears come and go in stages and bedtime can be tricky. Some of the other moms mentioned some great stuff. I have heard that "monster spray" works really well. Some other ideas I used were the fan in his room for white noise (works great for masking small noises that would get his imagination going) and night lights. On the nights he was really scared I let him sleep with a flash light. One last thing, sometimes fears are coming from something he is doing or seeing during the day. I know of a girl who went through this when her daughter was scared of Swiper from Dora cartoons. Make note of what he is seeing/hearing during the day (careful not to watch the news in front of him, he cant tell what they are saying but the pictures are pretty harsh sometimes)...stuff like that. Good luck.

The trick with the smart ones is that you have to be smarter! I'm an old mom of seven and have just about seen it all. Rather than try and answer you here I would recommend reading "What the Bible Says About Child Training" by Fugate. Pray for discernment - to be able to tell when your child is playing you as opposed to actually being distressed. I have two children who were particularly adept at playing me, and a couple more who had real fears that needed attention. I would also recommend checking out nogreaterjoy.org - the man who writes for it has a trememdous ability to "read" kids and I have learned a lot from him.

SAHM of seven

We use "monster spray" with our 4 year old son when he is afraid to go to bed. It only happens on occasion, but when it does, we just say "OK, we'll get the monster spray". All it is is room deodorizer that we spray a bit in each corner of the room and by the door. As soon as my son can smell it he's fine and has no more trouble going to sleep.

Sounds simplistic, but it works for us. Good luck!

I guess I'd need to know what he's scared of. My daughter was scared that a bear was coming to get her so my husband crafted a small 5x5 inch box and wrote bear trap on it and we put a cracker in it. There was some deal where he explained that the bear can get the cracker but once eaten the bear becomes trapped and Dada would dispose of the bear when he got up. We kept telling her that she's safe from bears because we had a bear trap in her closet. Over time we stopped hearing about bears and her fear of the bear and I tossed the box. Your child might be playing a game with you too. There's no saying. When my daughter tells me she's scared that litch from candy land will get her. Thanks to her Dada telling a story about the character. I tell her there is no such thing and Dada just made it up. I tell her she'll be fine and that she's a big girl. I explain the we're right downstairs and we won't let anything happen to her. We get passed it by shrugging it off as if it is no big deal and she goes to bed. If it's real bad I'll let her sleep in our room. I've learned to be firm with what I expect. If she's too upset I try to talk her down and try to get her to ignore the imaginary fear. We've been lucky the past year.

i JUST went throw this lay with him 20 min rub his back a sning a song to him give it a few weeks i had a overnight with my little one once a week i would sleep in he room to show her it was ok and i did it with no problom !! it worked 4 me . but lay down with him4 a little while in his room maby that will help !! good luck

My daughter is turning 3 next month and recently has been leery of going to bed. The one way I can get her to settle down if she says she is afraid of something is to get one of the stuffed animals (she picks) and have her pretend the animal is afraid, and she comforts it. It seems to work.

We just went through the same thing with our 2 y.o. daughter. I got a lot of books from the library about characters with nightmares, "scaries," and who just don't want to go to sleep. I tried to keep to a normal routine at bedtime and then when she would start flipping out once I shut the door to her bedroom, I would reassure her that I would be out in the hallway, but I wouldn't come in. I would just be very boring and say things like, "Go to sleep. Shhh..." (I read a book). Finally, when I was at my wits end, we went and stayed over night for a few nights at my parents, and she was fine there and we praised her for her "big girl bedtimes" and then when she came home she started going to sleep easier here. Good luck. This too, shall pass.

I don't know if you shut his door or not, but maybe keep it open. We had the same problem with our 2 1/2 yr daughter. We tried everything. Finally we kept the door open (we would shut it to keep the cats out.) The first night there was still a little bit of crying and trying to get out. We just warned her if she got out we would close it. After one time of that happening we really haven't had any problems. It's been about 3 months and bed time is back to normal.

My son had an imaginary friend that happened to be a monster. Apparently, George, the monster friend, wanted to invite his other monster friends over, and my son Aaron was scared of them. So, my husband built a "monster fence" all around the house and left a gate that only George could get through with a key. Aaron said there was a door under his bed for them to get through, so we took his mattress and box spring and laid it right on the floor, so there is no gap between the floor and bed. He also had a glo stick, he liked that more than a flash light because it looked like a star wars light thing. We put night lights from his room to the bathroom so there was no dark areas. He was scared of things lurking in the shadows, so we had to eliminate them. We closed doors that he had to walk past and used the night lights. After a while, he got better,and we don't even use night lights anymore. (He was 2 1/2 at the time, and he's 9 now.) It only lasted a few months. What happened was one of the night lights light bulbs burned out, so there was a shadow in the path. He had to go to the bathroom soooo bad that he just went for it and he realized that nothing bad happened to him, and he slowly got over it. Good Luck! I know it's tough dealing with fears that we don't understand.