Help! Do You Throw a Baby Shower for Someone Having Third Child?

L.,

I do not think there are any hard or fast rules about baby showers. Some people just like to have a party. And what better to celebrate then a new baby!

However, you, clearly, do not seem to think this friend is entitled to a shower and as your letter shows your relationship with this woman is not one which is close enough for you to be responsible for this job.

Maybe because the mom is out of state she is not aware of the change in her daughter and yours relationship.
Call mom back and tell her plainly that although you are delighted about your friend expecting her fist daughter you will not be able to host a shower. (there is no need for you to elaborate) Just say you can't. Try it, it really isn't that hard. Sometimes we are confused by our own feelings of guilt that we find it difficult to say no. Understand your feelings and simply say no.

To the rest of you ladies out there who seem this young women is being greedy for wanting a shower. I didn't read here that SHE asked for the shower, which would be poor etiquette. But, since when does someone have to be poor to be entitled to be showered with love and attention and yes, a few gifts, from her friends when she is about to give birth. I'm glad your not my friends you sound bitter and catty!

Best Wishes,

J. L.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi L.,
I am not from the area and I find the custom here of not throwing a shower very odd. Why wouldn't you want to celebrate this new baby just as you celebrated the first 2? Her salery shoudn't really be taken into account. That being said, you shouldn't have to go into the Poor House to throw the shower either - whether this is her 1st, 3rd or 10th baby. If this is something you want to be a part of, talk to other family and friends to make it possible. If not, politely tell her mom you would rather not be involved in the planning and hosting because of your current obligations.

K.

I think you should just say NO to her mom. This is not your responsibility - If you want to get your friend a "girl - baby" gift, that's one thing. I think it is incredibly tacky of her mother to ask you to do this.

Definitely not.

A luncheon for the mom-to-be might be more appropriate. All of the attendees could pitch in for a little outfit if you felt that a small gift was within your budgets.

Hi, I don't think it is typical. But I threw one for my sister because she had her 3rd after about 8 years since the last baby and she really did need things. But she certainly does not make that much money. Tell her mother you will be happy to help but that you don't have the time or the money to actually organize the whole thing. Maybe you can offer to do easy centerpieces or something. That's a tough one. Good luck!

Hey L., I agree with you 100%!!!! I think anything over the 1st baby shower is just greedy. If I were you, I would contact her mom (and be pleasant of course -- why be rude??) and explain that although you would like to help, you just will not have the time to put into it and would she mind asking someone else to take on the responsibilities. Then let her corner someone else into the situation. I would also conviently catch a cold for that shower. best of luck! L. C.

I think that a shower is unnecessary. I was invited to one for a third child once (boy with two older sisters) and I didn't go because I thought it was ridiculous and excessive. I just replied no and gave her a very boyish gift (clothes and toy) after he was born. They were also financially stable.

I think you've been put in a tough situation. What do you think your friend would want? I think I'd actually talk to her. She is the key player, actually. Explain how you got the phone call and how you think they'll be ok and people will still give lots of gifts after the baby is born. Some people super-close to her may even give gifts ahead of time, but tell her it's a little hard in these times to ask people to come to shower for a third child. I kind of think she'd probably agree with you. Then maybe offer to talk to her mom about your conversation or see if she'd rather just talk to her mom.

Ugh. Sometimes people make life too excessive. She will be fine with what she has and get what she needs and people will still come out of the woodwork and give her gifts.

Even if it was your closest friend, showers for close in age children - 2nd or 3rd - are TACKY (maybe not as tacky in a 10-15 year gap in children but really, one shower per mom and dad is enough!). People always bring gifts when a new baby is born - the baby girl will get all sorts of frilly things. dont' give it another thought. your friends mother was way out of line in even suggesting a shower, nevermind expecting you to take on the burden of paying for it and organizing it.

What my close friends and family have occasionally done for 2nd and 3rd children is organize a little GNO, have someone bring a cooler and bring prepared home-cooked frozen meals to be used during those first few hectic weeks of new babay life. but nothing formal - and it is more for the mom than the new born really

Well if I were you what I would do is first of all decide if planning a shower is something you want to do. If you want to,just call the mother and say although you would love to plan a shower you don't have the financial means to do so and ask if she has any suggestions. If she gives you a hard time then just tell her that you just can't do it but could chip in some time to maybe write out invitations or something for them.

Life is not all about money and those of us who stay home with our children know that!! Nobody should be offended if you can not afford something.

I think it depends on the family, but usually you only get one baby shower. I had 2. When I had my first baby and when I was pregnant with my triplets. Friends from work threw a mini one when I had my 2nd child.

I agree with these ladies - there is NO reason to be throwing a shower for a 3rd child. Especially since you aren't even close any longer, and the fact that they have tons of money - what do they need? They already had a shower with the first one, so they have the basic big ticket items - despite boy vs. girl - the only difference there is color of clothes and nursery bedding, which I'm sure they can handle on their own.... and people always buy gifts for new babies regardless of a shower when the come and visit... so she'll be fine. IF you were still close to her, I like that idea of the pedicure/manicure party thing as a "night out" and a celebration of the baby to come, but it's completely not necessary in your case. I'd tell the mom that you are in no financial place to do this, and it's not customary in this part of the country to throw showers for people having a child after the first.

Okay this is an easy one and who really cares if u make them mad at you. Its not like u hang out alot anymore. The answer is NO BABY SHOWER. It is not proper etiquette and if u look it up on line there is a wed site that tell u the social rules. I threw a baby shower for my girlfriend for her third. No one showed up. Its not right. And everyone knows that times are tough. No one has any money.
If u do feel obligated though, tell her mom to front the money because you are broke. If she thinks that is wrong then she has issues and should not be someone that I would want in my life. But hey if she is going to give u the cash then make it a pot luck shower.

No - and I would see an invitation to such a shower as gift-grabbing and probably would not attend - even for a close friend. Just let it drop - if the mom calls back, let her know that it is not customary in this area and you are not able to do this.

What I have done is help organize friends to bring a meal once or twice a week for the first month or two. We all know how sleep deprived parents are and help with meals is a nice thing. It was usually something that could be frozen or eaten that night, or a gift certificate for pizza/Chinese, etc. Yet, in your situation, I wouldn't organize that - let someone closer to the family do that.

Very uncomfortable situation you find yourself in - good luck!

When i had my third no one threw me a shower. BUT i have thrown showers for others having their second and third child. I will do an "essentials" baby shower telling everyone to bring diapers, wipes and that kind of thing rather than clothes or baby items. I make them very small and informal. It's more of a get-together to celebrate the birth of a new baby rather than a huge shower.

BUT seeing that you are not even close to this person -- why would you put yourself in debt for her? Have her mother throw her the shower if she really feels that she needs one. She will do perfectly fine without one.

well it is a bit unsual for her mom to call you to ask who is throwing her a baby shower although she might be just caught up in the fact she has been awaiting a granddaughter and now it is finally arriving.....maybe put a feeler out there with other friends and see if anyone else would be willing to fianncially wants to invest in a shower or maybe her mom from out of town would want to pay for it explain that you would love to but can't afford it. It is not expected by any means. I just had my forth child after my other children were 7 10 and 12 and my friend threw me a shower but i certainly didn't expect it or feel i was entitled.... keep in mind as i said out of town mom may be jsut caught up in i the fact it is a girl..... K. d another sahm enjoying life simply with four great kids 13 11 8 and 21mths

Hi L. - I just had this conversation a couple months ago with a group of us "soccer moms" during a practice ... They all agreed that no - you should NOT have a shower for a 3rd child if the parents still have all the stuff they had for the other 2 kids (crib, car seat, bouncy chairs, etc). If the first 2 are much older & the items were sold or given away then maybe some items could be bought.

We too touched the whole "2 boys but now a girl" issue as well. That could've been me actually (although we're done having kids at 2) - I have 2 boys & right after my youngest was born we decided no more kids & I donated all my baby stuff when he grew out of it - crib, mega saucer, etc - ... but what if I got preggers w/a girl .... ???? THEN they'd give me a shower!

Also - another idea is ok ... so yea, this friend of yours is having a girl now ... how about a shower w/just 'girl clothes' & diapers & little things like that? If she still has all the baby necessities then you don't worry about those things. Just put on the invites - it's a girl - and instead of registry put something like "needs girl clothes - all sizes & diapers" something along those lines.

When I brought up that idea the other moms agreed that THAT would be appropriate. Low key - easy & affordable for all. AND that most people would be thrilled & more likely to go b/c it's not a ton of expensive gifts!

Hope that helped a little
good luck!

Normally i would say a shower for a third of a different gender is pretty common, but as others said, it sounds like they will be fine on their own. Ever heard of steal from the poor, give to the rich???...not me. They will get by with what they already have. I think it was rude of her mother to put that much pressure on you, especially since you hardly talk to your friend anymore. So i would say, say no. The hard part is finding a way to do that... I think maybe you should talk to your friend. Maybe it would be easier to tell her??

I think it would be OK to tell her Mom that you can't afford to entertain on a large scale. Your friend certainly is aware of that, but her Mom, living at a distance, may not be.

Then if Mom persists in thinking you should do something, could you dream up an Economic Downturn Shower? It would be, of course, a pot luck. If you don't have space enough, maybe you could get one of her bigger-housed friends to host it - you would produce the invitations, setting out the conditions, such as: All gifts to be hand-me-downs or home-made. There must be a lot of ways to make a party on this theme cute and funny, and very up-to-the-minute.

I would definately tell this woman "no" and if she persists, suggest she herself have a virtual baby shower. When she asks what it is, just tell her to register her on BabiesRUs or Target or wherever and let people know about it. If she balks and says its really about a party, let her know you are not the one to do it and perhaps she should call another friend or local relative. I personally think this is totally ridiculous on the mother's part. A baby shower in any form is not a given. I received a lot of wonderful baby shower gifts, many of which I did not use as really, the basics are what you find you need and the rest is at best convenient, at worst a waste. You are not a jerk!!! Take care! =)

I think I would be honest with the mother. Just say that you and her daughter have drifted over the years and that she may want to check with someone who is still in touch with her. She should understand. It would be an undue burden on you, plus could be awkward since you haven't been close to her for awhile.

I personally never had a shower for my 2nd or 3rd babies. Granted all three are boys...but I had all the basics. I think it's overkill myself.

Good luck and tread lightly!!

H. Z. (SAHM 5, 4, and 18 month old boys)

Hi L.:
I think it was inappropriate for your friend's mom to put you on the spot, though I doubt she intended to. I would suggest you be honest with her and tell her you can't afford to through a shower, but that you would be happy to participate or be helpful in other ways. Maybe she should through the shower and local friends can offer to host or do footwork since she is far away?
Don't beat yourself up about it; this doesn't make you a bad friend! Better to be honest and dignified in the reality of your situation, than to do it out of obligation. If anyone thinks you are a jerk, they are the jerk (to be quite frank).
Good Luck!

I had a baby shower with my 3rd child. Well, it was a surprise and I had never had a baby shower before. No one threw me one for my first two. So my husband got my good friend to do it with our 3rd. We had nothing really for the baby though. He's 5 years younger than my middle child and the only boy. We also don't make 6 figure incomes or anything though. We didn't get anything big at our shower. It was mostly just clothes and a few toys for him. And that was fine by me. I personally just loved the idea that everyone wanted to get together and celebrate this new addition.

Do you know any of your friend's new friends that she's been hanging out with lately? It doesn't sound like you are all that close. Maybe her mother should be recruiting someone else to throw this baby shower. I don't think there's anything wrong with throwing a shower though for someone who's having a 3rd child per se. I think it's kind of strange of the mother to expect you to do it since you aren't so close anymore. If you do decide to do it though you could just keep it small. I'd be inclined to suggest only bringing clothing items as gifts. She can use the same crib she used for her boys and the same car seat. Although, she also has the means to go out and buy new of these things. It could really be an opportunity for you to get together and celebrate this new life. I would really recruit someone else to help and split the cost of the party I think though if that's a concern for you financially.

What my friends and I have done in the past when a friend is having a new baby, not the first, we have focused on the mom. We give her a plant or flowers and then tie on little notes. Some are for a home cooked dinner after the baby comes, or someone to watch the baby so she can spend time with the other children or take a nap. We also make it a pot luck so it doesn't fall to one person to do everything. Showers are just a way for friends to get together. Don't get to crazy about it. Just try to have fun. If money is an issue for you, you could also talk to her mother and let her know that you will organize something but you need help with the financial part of it.

Good Luck

J.

There are two issues here:
1) Should you throw a shower for someone expecting a 3rd child?
2) Should you throw a shower for someone you are not close to anymore?

I think the answer for #2 is NO. It should be someone who is still in touch with her and can afford the time and money to make it special. This can be done with a simple phone call to her mom backing out and hoping that one of her closer friends can pitch in. No guilt should be involved!

For question #1, I think multiple showers are fine, but not required. For my second baby shower, my girlfriends and I are meeting at my favorite restaurant for a girls' lunch one Saturday and just having a nice afternoon sans our kids! I'm really looking forward to the day and no one has to pay for anything extra. It is easy and fun for everyone!

L., When we had our 3rd, a girl, people asked if I wanted a shower. I said no. I didn't see the point. We have most things we need. I am a sahm, and we are not a 6 income family, but didn't think it was needed just beause she was a girl. I say, you say no. She doesn't even talk with you. She doesn't put effort into the relationship, why should you be doing it anyway! If people want to get something special cause this baby is girl, they will do it anyway.
Follow your heart. It will lead you in the right direction!!!

when I had my second child, a friend hosted a baby shower for me (a simple wine and cheese girls get together at her house with less than 10 people) and rather than bringing presents, asked everyone to sign up to bring a meal to our house in the first few weeks after the baby was born.I really appreciated both the night out and the meals after. Maybe a simple, low cost idea for you.

Usually you only have one. I had two but my boys were more than 5 years apart and I had given my baby stuff away.

Hi L.,

If I were you, I'd call the mother and tell her that due to your financial situation, this really isn't something that you're in a position to take on right now. To be polite, I would offer apologies for the disappointment and add that if the she finds somone else one else that would like to throw a party, you'd be happy to help by either bringing a dish or filling out the invitations or something (if you are really willing to do that). Don't offer to find someone else to host the event. Leave that up to her and if she tries to lead you in that direction, tell her that you don't really know her other friends since you don't really hang out with your old friend anymore.

Being a mom yourself, you can understand how the mother wants the best for her child and to still give her the world - even when it's clearly not needed!! So be polite and sympathetic, however, do stand your ground and just tell her that you're sorry that you can't be the one to do this, although you are happy for your friend that her family is growing and that she's going to have a daughter etc, etc. The mom shouldn't be offended if she knows that you're declining because of your personal financial situation and not because you don't like her daughter (I'd leave the fact that this is her 3rd child and showers are not traditional out of it so there's no room for argument).

L.
No baby showers are usually given for 2, 3, etc. babies. The only exception is if it's been like 10 years between kids. Even that isn't a given.

I say stick to your guns or you are only going to be mad at yourself. I'm sure you can think of something diplomatic to say to avoid too many hurt feelings.

good luck

H.

Hello L.
I was just reading your request and the responses that the other ladies on here have given you I agree alot with what the other ladies have said about giving a baby shower for someones third child
I think that your friends mother is crazy for asking you to throw a shower for her daughter its not your problem especially since you guys dont keep in touch all that much anymore plus its very tacky and untraditional for three showers and greedy, you throw a shower for the first baby only even if she is having a girl it doesnt matter she will get gifts from people when the baby comes or just because she needs the stuff but it seems like she is stable finacially so really she can buy all the things she wants or needs for her daughter.
I suggest that you call her mother back and tell her that you cant do it because its not in your budget and explain to her all the other reasons why you wont throw a shower for her daughter she should understand and let that problem be on her shoulders not your its not your problem its hers....
Good Luck

Hi L.:

One of my friends is due to have #7 in a few weeks. A group of us wanted to do something but they already have many things. We decided to make a few freezer meals for the family to have on hand after the baby was born. We made our meals up along with instructions for reheating and froze them in disposable pans before our little event. This way the first few weeks days as they are settling in it would be one less thing to have to do.

At the same time we also got some diapers and wipes for her to start filling the drawers. What Momma does not use diapers and wipes?

Hi L.,
I agree with you 100%. The only time I went to a baby shower for a 3rd was when the was such an age gap between children, a "surprise" child. I think you should be honest with her mother. Tell her you are on a tight budget and cannot afford to entertain, etc. If her mother is so fixated on the baby shower, she can have it or at a minimum, pay for it!

Good luck!!

We make 6 figs, and it still isnt enough to cover expenses...that being said....how tacky of her mom! I appreciated having a shower when I had a girl, after having a boy...but I just am dumbfounded that her mom asked you to do that!
I would see if you can bow out respectfully...to busy with your toddler, etc.

No you are not being a jerk. Baby shower is for the first baby. You are under no obligation to host/throw etc. Call her mom back, and just tell her that financially you just can't, but that you'd be sending along a baby gift. Mom can knock herself out if she'd like, but a good friend would not expect it.

Hi L.,

OK, well initally when reading the beginning of your post I was going to say that if it was a scenario where the person had two of the same gender children and then this child was a different gender then yes, I would throw one, but where you say they make quite a bit a money, I don't see it's neccessary. I don't know how you go about it but I would be honest about it to her mom and let her know that you just can't afford it right now and see if she has any other kind of suggestions as to "helping" them get things. I dunno it's a tough call. Wishing you luck.

Abslutely not!!! That is absolutely rediculous that her mother is asking that of you. If anything, maybe a lunch at a restaurant or a potluck at your house and all of your friends pitch in for 1 present. Also, if you do it for her, you set an example for your other friends and they will all expect one. I would just nicely say to your friends mother that it is not in your budget right now and also it is a tough time and people do not have the funds. My sister in law had a "sprinkle" where people brought their used baby items. And that was for her 1st baby! Good luck, you have been put in a tough postition.

I don't understand why so many responses mention you not having the financial means to throw a party. Since when did a group of people coming together have to be so costly? My shower was just at my friend's house and she just cooked up some yummy and cheap snacky foods and it was great just to have everyone together. What if you did that combined with the schedule for everyone to bring a meal after the birth instead of gifts? I think you just really need to ask yourself 2 questions: 1. Do you want to do this or 2. Is there someone else now that your friend might have chosen as hostess if she were to choose?
Good luck - but definitely don't feel obligated.

Hi L.,
I'm thinking that before you ask your friend, that you consider first what you are willing to do. Because you wouldn't want to ask your friend, have her say she wants a big shower, and then not want to do it. And I don't think you should do anything you are uncomfortable with. No matter what you do, if her Mom calls again, you should feel comfortable saying "No, I will not be hosting a shower." (End of conversation. No apologies.)
Perhaps you would like to honor her with a little Moms Party, with you hosting a luncheon of a few close friends. No gifts, just congratulations, love and best wishes. The attendees could bring baby and mother poems to collect in small book. That way folks could give whatever girlie gifts they want after the baby is born, but the Mom could get attention. This would also make it possible for you to invite friends close in age, because I honestly don't think I could invite her Mom. Best of luck.

Do NOT let this woman, or anybody else make you feel bad for taking the obvious stance on the matter. Either your "friend" or her mom, seems very greedy, and unconcerned with other peoples situations (financial or social). Even if you were close to her, I think you would still feel the same way (I know I would), so the simple fact that you are not, leave it to the mother and sisters(inlaws) to handle such an obvious selfish shower.

for what it's worth, i think mutliple baby showers for one woman is tacky.

Here is what I would do if I were in your position: absolutely nothing. Do not pursue the topic with her mom by calling her and telling her you won't do it. If the mom is really committed to the idea of a shower, she'll call you again and at that time you can just repeat what you said the first time: that usually people don't have showers for a 3rd baby. Don't offer excuses, don't let her put you on the defensive. Of course you wish her daughter all the best and are praying for a safe delivery... etc etc. But you don't do showers for 3rd babies. End of story. Good luck!

NO, No and NO. Usually etiquette says first baby baby shower, every other pregnancy is no shower!

My opinion agrees with etiquette.

Hi L., I am a mom of 3 and I did get a shower for my third child. I had thought after my second that I wasn't going to have more children so I had gotten rid of all baby things. I am a SAHM and my husband definitley does not make money in the 6 digits, so my family threw me a small shower. Just close family and friends. Nothing huge by any means.
Considering that you are not close to this woman any more and obviously isn't in a situation that she really needs the help with baby items, maybe it's not a good idea for her. Maybe you could do a day out with the girls though to get your hair done or something to make her feel a little special. Just have everyone pay their own way. Good luck in your decision.

I think it was very wrong for her mother to even ask you. If she wants here daughter to have things, she can trough a family shower even if out of state. Showers for 3rd children are extremely rare. If you can't financially do it you will hate yourself if you do. Don't be a door mat. Tell her that you can't commit to it, but would attend if someone else could throw it for her.

Good luck!

No, you don't throw a shower for someone having a third child. I'm not sure how you should handle it, but you should not financial burden yourself for a shower in this circumstance. In other regions of the country I know they do showers for each baby, but in the north east, we just don't do that. Are there other friends of this person you could confer with? My sister just had her 3rd child, she had 2 boys and then a girl, no shower.
One thing we did do was have a "book" shower for a friend in FL for her second. Instead of having an actually shower, the organizer asked for a special book from each invitee (something that is special to that person) with a personalized message written inside the front cover and a card. The organizer collected all the books and put them in a big basket with all the well wishes and that was that. You could maybe try something smaller like that. Good luck.

Hi L., I have a friend who just had a third baby and one of her other friends threw her a baby shower. It was a totally different type of "shower". It was at 6:30 p.m. during the week at her house and it was a pedicure/manicure party. There were three people that did the nails that they hired locally to come. They had a hearty salad, bread and some other munchies along with wine. When we RSVP'd we specified a manicure or pedicure
(or neither) and then paid for it right there at the party. We all pitched in $20 for a nice big gift certificate to BabiesRUs. It was a really great party and everyone had so much fun....
Hope this helps!
C.