Help Dealing with My Mom That Favorites 1 Child.

i don't know your family, so this is just a guess based on personal experiences. it seeems that in your mind you and your finace and your children are a family. but perhaps your mom doesn't see your fiance and his daughter as permanent family members until you are married, so she's holding back on getting attached. my mother in law lived with her current husband for over 2 years before they married. my husband and i didn't allow ourselves to get very attached to him and his family during that time because it seemed like there was such a high possibility of it not lasting. we would still be polite and friendly, even attending his family's holiday parties, but i don't think we ever gave him a Christmas present until they were married, despite all the presents he and his family gave us. it just made us uncomfortable to risk a close connection with him. my mother in law encouraged our son to call her fiance "grampa", but we didn't encourage it and always referred to him by his first name until they were married. even after they were married, the "grampa" name was hard for my husband to encourage for a while.
another idea is that your mom may be more comfortable doing things like dinner and sleepovers with older children. i was feeling left out that my mom often had my sister's kids over to spend the night (the youngest is a year older than my oldest), but she hadn't invited my 2 yr old who was begging to stay with her. finally she told me that based on her past experience with my sister's youngest, she had decide not to have any grandchildren spend the night until they were 3 because they were such a handful before that age. after considering the differences in personalities of her grandchildren, she eventually reconsidered and invited my son to spend the night before he was 3. it went fine and she has since allowed my second son to spend the night at an even earlier age.
as far as approaching your mom, it may help to tell her how much your daughter adores her and would like to spend time with her just as your son does.
good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I have two biological daughters and my mom does the same thing with my kids, who are both her "blood" grandchildren. My oldest is 5 and my youngest is 2 1/2, and my mom has a hard time doing thing with both kids. My oldest daughter was her first grandchild, and therefor she developed a special bond with her. I know she loves my second daughter just as much, but has a harder time taking both because my youngest requires a lot more work. So she takes my oldest over for sleepover, movies, play dates, etc. because she likes "one on one" time, but doesn't generally spend the same quality time with my youngest. My little one gets so upset whenever her older sister leaves her, and it's heartbreaking to see her get left out. I've pointed it out to my mom, and let her know how upset it makes my baby to be left out, and she will take both of them, but not without some coaxing from me. I've gotten to where I have to tell her no to taking my oldest if she doesn't take my youngest as well. I know my mom loves both of my kids the same, I just don't think she realizes that although a toddler is only two, they are still human beings and need the same love and attention an older kid receives. Maybe if you can explain to your mom that it hurts your younger child she will be more receptive when you ask her to take both. If not, you may have to go where I did and start saying no. I'm sure once she see's you are serious she'll understand the severity of her actions. Good luck!

WOW!!! I know exactly how you feel except that three out of my four have other parents. My mother favors my oldest son who is 7 almost 8. She favors my 13 month old daughter but not nearly as much as my son. My two middle children are step children that we have custody of, 4 yr old daughter and a 5 yr old son. We have had them full time since my 4yr old was 4 months old as well. My mother has a problem with the way the two middle children behave since their other mother encourages bad behavior such as pretending to be stupid, overly cute and clingy. Most of all my mother hates how they are always trying to compete with my oldest son for everything he has. Not to be rude or unfair to my husband or his exwife, but they really don't do any parenting of their children and are more like an uninterested big brother and an Aunt who only likes to be the favorite at all cost. It is sad, but I love all my children the very same and treat them the same. I know my mother would rather never have to deal with the middle two children if it weren't for guilt. She too is very nice to them when they are around and doesn't favor them when they are together. She takes the oldest all the time more than willingly and request him every chance she gets. Recently my step father passed away and she takes my oldest for company. I think it is wonderful for those two to have the special relationship they have and I wouldn't ever want to take away from it.

This all being said I will tell you how I handle it. When my oldest wants his siblings to go with them or he asks why grandma won't take them too...I tell him to ask his grandma. I can't speak for her because I don't know. When the other children want to go with grandma and she doesn't want them I let the children ask and handle the situation for themselves. I will not let her off the hook to the kids. If she is going to play favorites she is going to have to be the one to break the news. When my oldest goes with his grandma and the others are with me I tend to take them out and do fun things. When the oldest asks why they got to go and he didn't I explain that he goes to grandma's and we do what we want.

I explain to the children the things that they do that upset grandma and work with them to stop that behavior and tell my mother quite frequently that when they correct the behavior that they deserve another chance to prove it to her. If they don't behave then it is their fault for not being able to go and if they do then I point it out quite well to my mother that they are doing as she would like. It all works pretty well for us currently.

For your situation I would find out if the age of your daughter is part of the problem. This can be a very big issue. Having a child who does things on their own and aren't as much trouble to keep is always a plus for grandparents. I would also point out that your daughter is YOURS and you love her every bit as much as your son and you would like your mother to spend some one on one time with her to create a bond like she has with your son...NOT BOTH! She should have to experience your daughter for herself without anyone around.
I would ask that she take your daughter to help you out for rest to get ready for the new baby...for you, not your daughter. I would also be quick to point out that your daughter is your son's sister and the new baby's sister. I would point out that if she mistreats their sister the other children will figure it out and not like her for it. They will resent her hurting their sisters feelings.

My husband favors our child together (13 month old) and my oldest son finally figured that out yesterday. He called my husband out about it last night. Some times children need to know life isn't fair and be allowed to handle it the way they see fit. We can't fix everything for them, but we can give them the tools to handle it for themselves. My husband was very uncomfortable with being questioned and my son demanded to know why he would be so unfair. I could have stepped in but it is my husband who needs to face his decisions not me. Time will tell if anything changes, but either way my son will know that I don't play favorites. I do know that all people are different and that some times certain people make a better fit than others. I don't believe in forcing the fit either. I believe in making things fair in the long haul.
My oldest goes to grandma's and the younger children and I go do something fun. Either way it will all be fair in the end at my house.

Your mother may find that your spending quality time with your daughter to be unfair to your son, and at this point I would point out that she is leaving an unbalanced grandma that you have to make up for.

Your daughter is still young for sleep overs so you can go with it from that direction. A almost 3 year old takes a lot more work then an older boy overnight. I would suggest that you understand that flesh and blood may mean more to your mother. It may not be right but it is how she feels. She seems to participate with your step daughter but you also cannot expect her to be totally the same either. I would say as your step daughter gets older too your mother may be more willing to take her over night. I would just realize your mom doesn't have the same bond you do with your daughter and that you cannot force it but cannot ban her from wanting that time with your son either. Give her time. I would say a 3 year old should understand that she isn't old enough yet for sleep overs and maybe another time later on. I would encourage your mother to maybe take extra time out with your daughter when she cans so she doesn't get her feelings hurt either. There has to be a common ground where you both understand each other's feeling however don't expect to change the other's mind either. Good luck.

I think you should relax and consider that perhaps your mom is not comfortable taking your daughter for sleepovers or out to dinner because she is so young. Things may change as she gets older. Why not wait until she is 4 or 5 before you stress too much about it. You don't need extra stress when you're pregnant anyway, so try to give your mom the benefit of the doubt.

I would immediately put my foot down and say no. This is your family and though she may feel closer to one than the other it is not acceptable and your family comes as a whole take it all or leave it all. She is building the "closer to one" problem because she is consistently not trying to be close to both. If she can't treat them both as her grand babies than what do you think she will do with this new one coming along? You daughter may feel more and more alienated because of her behavior and she will have long term "abandonment" issues from it. That's just my take, your allowing her to play favorites and you need to cut it off. When you talk to her about this situation you be strong in what you expect from her as a grandma. She needs some open clear communication from you.

I can imagine it might be hard for your mom because your son is her biological grandson, and your fiance's daughter isn't. I don't have a lot of experience with a blended family, but you might just want to give her more time. Do you have any intentions of adopting each other's kids once you are married? That might help. I'm guessing her issue is the biology. If you give her some time, she might to start warming up. Don't be pushy about it. My parents want to do things with my 4 1/2 year old son more than my 20 month old daughter, too, but that's mainly because he's older and easier to take out. That might play a part, too. But I would let her spend time with her grandson and not push the issue with your daughter at this point. Use the time to spend it with her yourself, or her dad could take her somewhere special. As she gets older, you might want to make sure she is included more because she will get resentful. What about your fiance's mother? Does she want to spend time with her granddaughter? When your mother wants to spend time with just your son, you should let her, and then make that time special for your daughter, too, but doing something else. I'm sure it's a very touchy subject. At least your mom is kind to your daughter when they are together. But she really just might not feel a strong connection with her. I hope I have given you good advice. Like I said, I don't have much experience in this area. Good luck.

You can't let your mom do this. The older your kids get, the more they will notice. You love your fiance's daughter as if she were your own, and your mother needs to respect that. Unfortunately, some people do not seem to form the same kinds of bonds with "non-blood" relatives...it is sad, because they don't seem to understand that family is who is there for you, not just blood lines! Your daughter needs just as much love from her grandmother as your son gets. Especially with a new baby on the way! If your mother is going to spoil the new baby, as well as your son, and leave your daughter out, it will be very damaging to your daughter. It sounds like she is already starting to be hurt by your mother's behavior. Tell your mother that she either treats the kids equally, or she can't spend time with them. It may sound harsh, but you can't allow her to damage your daughter's self esteem and sense of self-worth.

Have a good talk with your mom and ask her why she seems to want to spend more time with your son. Be very diplomatic and do not do any accusing or you will get nowhere. I think age may have something to do with it. It is easier to take a 5 year old out to dinner and easier to have them spend the night than a two year old. If it is an age issue set boundaries on age so your daughter doesn't get neglected. Make sure that by the time she is 4 or 5 she get equal time and equal activities with Grandma. Talk to your mom about this. Hopefully she will be a little more conscientious about your daughter if the effect is pointed out to her. If it is outright favoritism tell her, as nicely as possible, that as their parent you have to protect them and their feelings and you can only let them have equal time for their sake.

I agree with the previous posters that communication is essential to resolving problems. I also agree that it may or may not work. It's sad, but it's not always fixable despite a person's best efforts. My in-laws were not interested in communication when my husband and I brought this up with them. My 9 yr old step son is the favorite vs our 4 yr old daughter. They call and ask to spend time with just him, have him over for sleep-overs, etc. They spoil him to death and he absolutely loves it and does not want to share the attention at all... that's a different can of worms though. On one occasion when my husband insisted that our daughter be included as well, they (in-laws and stepson) acted like we had asked them to stick needles in their eyes! They have refused to speak about this and deny having favortism, but their action speak louder than their words. Needless to say, this topic has not been resolved very well for us. We have significantly reduced the time that the kids are available to visit their grandparents because we are not really sure what else to do at this point. To further the complexity of this, my sister-in-law(husband's sister) is the favorite in her family and her kids are favored over mine. Personally, I am disgusted by the whole thing and would love to move far away from all of them. Then there would be a legitimate reason for why we don't see grandma and grandpa very often.
Anyway, best of luck with everything! I hope your mom is open to communication and things work out.

S., I would love to tell you that things will get better but it would be wishful thinking, There are some family members that will not change for some reason people say it's not there blood so they don't need to treat them the same That's so wrong and I will tell you why It hurts the childeren and 2 your mother is not respecting your wishes you should sit down with her and talk about how you have set some bounderies for your childeren sake I know she is your mother belive me but you need to think about the affect it has or already has with your childeren if she (you mom) won't agree the only suggestion I have is to cut ties for a while It seems harsh but it even more hash what she is doing to your childern I wish you all the luck in the world it's not going to be easy......

Dear S., been there, done that, now it's time to practice a little "tough love" with Grandma before it starts to effect the children's self-esteem. Tell Grandma that she's hurting one by favoring the other, and you love your children the same. If she can't see the logic in that, and how damaging she's being to an innocent child, then you need to stop the one-on-one stuff, and only go to her house with all the children as a family outing. Chances are, Grandma will come around and start including both the children. If she chooses not to, then it's time for you, as the mother, to protect your children and cut back on visits that are potentially damaging to the entire family. You need to set the ground rules and stick to them now, before the new baby is born, and things get really out of hand. Mom is Mom, and you love her, but you need to take care of your young family now. Your Mom needs to be gently told that she is old enough to act like a beloved grandma, not an instigator of confusion and bad feelings.

First of all I am SO VERY sorry for you in your situation. I happened to live through the same thing only from the child's point of view. My grandmother lived with us and she favored just one of my brothers over all of the rest of us (there's 8 kids) And then due to her favoring she would actually pick on the others. Like she was actually mean to us, i mean really mean! She would buy things for the one brother and take him to her room and dote on him all the time. Then when his younger sisters were born she would literally pit them against each other. They fought (and still do) like they HATE each other and like the other is pure poison.
I would HATE to see that happen to anyone else. I wouldn't want your son and daughter to become enemies because of extended family. It is my mothers one regret for not doing something about it sooner. I can't tell you to not let your mother be involved in their lives but that was the only solution for my mother. When my grandmother ended up in a nursing home it was the best thing ever. She was just doing rehab but after she was gone for that time my mom realized how much better her life was and how her kids got a long. So she told her mom she couldn't come live with them again. It was really hard on her (my mom) initially but in the end having her over only on holiday's made all the difference in the world.
If i were you i would just cut down the ammount of time they spend with grandma and when she questions it explain to her your problem (that's gonna be tough!) and that until you feel it has been addressed less is more for the kids. (sorry it was such a long response!)

I have relatives that treat my children differently - they don't love them differently, they just click with different personalities better, so it's easier to spend more time with them. I try to point out to my children that they should be happy for each other - they won't always have the same opportunities - and I try to arrange something pleasant for whoever gets left out (and to rotate who we're doing things with so that whoever gets left out more rotates, too). I hope that makes enough sense to be useful - and good luck!
-N Wilson

S.,

Good for you, both for raising these beautiful children and for setting limits with your out-of-control mother.

Your primary responsibility is to your children, not to your mother. If I were you, I would explain the situation to your mothre, making it very clear that your children are a package deal and that she needs to include both of them in family activities because favoritism in a family is very, very corrosive.

If you are lucky, you may be able to persuade your mother by talking this issue out with her. She may be willing to consider this and change her behavior.

If, however, she is like my mother, there will be no talking to her because her mind is already made up and she already knows everything, so such a discussion will not be effective. If your mother is like this and is not willing to abide by your rules that both children be included, I would limit my children's contact with her to only those occasions where both are included. I would not allow her to engage in any activities that include only your son and not your daughter. I would use the magic word, "No," and explain to her each time that you will not allow your children to visit her under such a situation.

Maybe she will learn over time as she does not have contact with your children. Maybe, if she is like my mother, she won't. That is her choice. You cannot control her. Meanwhile, you have protected your children from a very vicious and negative family dynamic.

Linda

could it be as simple as age? a friend once said that she didn't let her toddler daughter stay the night at her mom's house when her son (only 18 months older) did because she waited until her children were able to ASK if they could spend the night elsewhere before just dropping them off to spend the night. How do the kids get along? My mother in law has three grandsons (7 and twins age 5) and she really does not enjoy watching them at her own home together, it's stressful. Are the kids a little crazy when left with her? or toether? things like movies and out to dinner seem like taking a toddler would be a little precarious (speaking from understanding having a 2 year old myself). so, maybe it's just as simple as that, age. probably better to address it not during a moment when she's offering or asking to take your son somewhere, but in an unheated moment when you're just bringing it up in conversation. it's not worth "not talking" over. and so what if it is hard for her to warm up to the idea of being a "step grandma" she gets to own those feelings and feel them, and maybe you might just have to understand that for a bit while she grows through it. you know, "be the bigger person." good luck

S....you must be completely frustrated. I have definitely seen similar situations!! You are not alone! My advice would be to hold your ground. If Grandma wants to see your children, she has to see both. They are BOTH your children and if she doesn't see it that way, she will have some lost time that she will not be able to regain. Her loss! I would not allow this to continue any longer. You were right in not letting your son go to dinner. It could definitely mess with the confidence of your daughter with not being included too! If she schedules a one on one time with your son, she needs to schedule a one on one time with your daughter too! Your daughter needs to be confident that she is every part of your family too! Boundaries are healthy for a family. Know that in the short run, you do risk your mom getting mad and sulking away; however, if you calmly let her know the boundary that you and your husband set, it will then be her choice. I hope that she will decide to come around and get to know your other precious gem:) After setting this boundary, still do what you can do to keep the relationship. If you haven't heard from her in a week, call and invite her to dinner. If she doesn't accept, again, her deal! Simply tell her to have a great day... You tried! There is a great book called Boundaries that really helped me to set some in our life and since then, life has been less frustrating:) Anyways, hang in there! It is never easy to watch your little one get her heart broken, especially if it is by your Mom. Many Blessings, J.:)

S., I would suggest that you sit down with your mom one-on-one. No kids, no fiance, no dad there. Tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know that even though your daughter is not a biological child, you feel that she is YOUR daughter. It may take mom a while to get used to this idea. Let your mom know that this little girl needs grandma time too. She is old enough to spend special time with grandma, both with her brother and alone. Tell your mom what you said about her feeling left out. Stick to your idea that your mom should give attention to your daughter too. But like I said, it will probably take her some time to get used to spending that kind of time with "someone else's child." It may just be that she never knew how important this is to your family

Have you asked your mother why she prefers your eldest child? My mother-in-law spends more time with my 6-year-old daughter than my 2-year-old. This is more because she prefers older, potty trained kids. Also, I think she really didn't find my oldest very interesting until she was 4 or so. She always had the rule of no sleep overs until potty trained and able to sleep on their own. Perhaps she feels the same way as my mom-in-law or something else understandable like she is afraid of children that young. If, on the other hand, it is that she rejects your daughter because she is "not blood," than that is just sad and unfair. My advice is blood or not blood, your kids comes as a package. She spends time with all of them, or separately in equal amounts, or not at all. It is unbearably unkind and disrespectful to show such preference of one child over another and should not be allowed by you. It is unfair to all the children, even the one getting preferential treatment. I hope that merely bringing up the subject to your mom will rectify things.

OH S.!
I am so sorry that you and your beau are going through this! My suggestion...as a family, sit down together, no children,(they don't need to be present for this). Let your mother know that you and your beau are very serious about your relationship and have come a long way to make a family together. Tell her you feel(I, WE feel...) like she hasn't gone out of her way to make your beau's daughter feel like family. Spell out how your daughter feels by being left out, how your son feels bad for not including her, and how many people have noticed that she doesn't include her as much as she includes your son. Tell them your both hurt that she doesn't treat your daughter as her own grand-daughter, and that you realize loving someone whose not your own is difficult. Let her know you expect nothing. And really expect nothing. But that if she decides to treat your daughter as her own g-daughter, you understand it won't happen overnight.
If all else fails, when she wants to take out just your son, tell her thank you for the invitation, but that you'd rather do things as a family, and that she's more than welcome to join you. hope this helps.
A.

My mother had a rule that the kids had to be potty trained before they could have sleepovers at her house, and a 5 year old is much easier to deal with when going out to eat than a 2 year old. I think your mother is great to be taking the older one to do things and your daughter is still young enough that it may feel more like a chore to take her along if your whole family isn't with her to take care of the 2 yr old. Also, I don't know you or your mother, but maybe things will improve once you are actually married to the 2 yr old's father, then your mother will really be her grandmother and she may feel more of that connection. It really does sound like your mother is just wanting to do things that she can easily do with an older child. I don't choose to take my 2 yr old to movies r public events, he is hard to keep track of, but a 5 yr old is more likely to stay with me. Babysitting is one thing, spending quality time with a child is another. Quality time with a 2 year old may not be her cup of tea. Appreciate her for what she does.

You 2 have been together quite a while now. There may be a couple things going on with your mom. 1)- She may feel guilty about how you were raised & that maybe she doesn't feel that she gave you enough or spoiled you enough, so she's making it up to your son. (which I might add is NOT going to make it up, the Past is Past.) 2)- Being a mother, it may be hard for her to quite believe that your daughters other side is completely out of the picture, and she may not feel right about bonding, because if the girls mother comes back then your mom may lose her as a grandchild.

Sit down with your mom and talk to her. Inform her (nicely) that you are ALL family and that leaving your daughter out is not fair and unaccaptable. Ask her (without your kids there) why she is leaving your daughter out. Tell her that you need to know so that you can all work towwars making it better, for both of the kids.
That now that you are ALL a family, your daughter needs to be included either in everything that you mom does with your son or seperate grandma granddaughter time, but for the same things and same amount of time you mom shares with your son. If your mom can't or won't make the decision to spend more time with your daughter, then you need to take things into your own hands. You can do this a couple of different ways. You can keep your son home & send you daughter instead, or you can tell your mom that you/your son has plans and won't be able to go see her for the weekend, or for dinner.
Maybe you can ease this in if you leave your son at home and take your daughter over to spend an afternoon with you at your moms. That way you can be the middle ground and maybe your mom will be a little more comfortable around your daughter. The most important thing id to find out why your mom is singling out your son, then go from there.
Good Luck, and I hope your mom realizes what a golden opportunity she has with a bonus grandchild.

Hi S.,
In my opinion, you need to put a screeching halt to this immediately. The damage to your daughter may be difficult to undo.

You need to tell your mom that she needs to spend quality time with BOTH, or she can't see either of them. Tell her they're a package deal,(because they are!!) Favoring one over the other, is just plain wrong. However, it might be a good idea for her to spend some one on one time with your daughter initially. It might help undo some of the damage that's already been done. Children are VERY perceptive little people. Make no mistake... your daughter can sense that something isn't quite right.

I don't think you are over reacting at all! It's your job as your daughter's mother to protect her... even from her own grandma.

You might consider reminding your mother that you are the only mother your daughter has ever had, AND that she, is the only GRANDMOTHER your daughter has ever had, (other than the paternal grandmother, assuming she's in the picture of course.)

I hope your mom will quickly come to realize that your daughter is equally as important as your son, and that blood is only the red stuff that runs through our veins. Blood doesn't make a family, LOVE does. AND it's clear how much your love your daughter.

That's my opinion, anyway! Best of luck with this tough situation!

~M.

I just had a quick thought while reading your question. Because your daughter is only 2 and your son is 5, it is more appropriate for him to do a lot of the things your mom invites him to do. Maybe it is just easier for her to take him to dinner (two year olds don't really appreciate going out to dinner very much, unless it is McDonald's playland or something). Also, does a 2 year old really want to spend the night away from mom on a regular basis? Having a 2 year old spend the night is much more daunting than a 5 year old. Also, taking a 2 year old to a movie can be an awful experience! My mom is a wonderful grandma, but she never invited any of my 2 year olds to spend the night, go to a movie, or go out to a restaurant.

On the other hand, if they are just going to the park to play for awhile, and she excludes your daughter every time, then that could be a sign of favoritism. It sounds like she really dotes on your daughter when she is with her, though, and I don't see how a two year old could really feel slighted. She might whine or cry when she has to leave, but she should recover pretty fast.

Maybe you are being a little overly sensitive because of your family dynamics. It sounds like your mom is really involved and trying her best--and maybe she feels unappreciated for her efforts. Being the older grandchild does have its perks, and I bet your mom will start inviting your daughter to more outings when she is older. If not, then you can look at things again and re-evaluate.

If you are feeling like you need a little time without both kids--pregnancy can do that to you--then just ask your mom if she can babysit for a little bit. The kids can just play at her house or something--a two year old would rather do that than go sit at a movie anyway.

Just a bit about me--I am the STAH mother of seven and grandma of one. Four kids are still living at home.

Hi S.. I think the only thing you can do is try and talk it out with your mom. The fact that this little girl's real mother is not in the picture means that you are it. You are her mother and your mother is her grandma and your mom has to realize that she has to treat both kids equally. I think it will be hard for her but if she's reasonable she will see that this little girl cannot grow up feeling like she's second best. As far as she knows, your mom is every bit her grandma as much as she is to your son. She doesn't know the difference. I think it could really affect her self esteem and cause huge problems if it keeps up. Good luck!

You have a right to protect your child. Try to be as positive and kind as possible, but you need to talk to grandma and tell her the effect of her behavior on your daughter. Maybe she can take each one individually or just both together if she can't handle that. The girl deserves the same attention. It is so important to help our children feel loved.

My Mother in Law played serious favorites between the grand children when they were little. I explained to them that grandma was making choices, and that although we are uncomfortable, we can't control it. In enough repetitions they got it. They also started to refuse invites that did not include the others. I also scheduled a "Date" for the child left out while the other was gone. We were unavailable at times when she wanted the preferrred child, making it more difficult for her to play the favorites game. Another strategy we used was only being available if things were prescheduled a week in advance. That helped us avoid being surprised and gave us time to help the kids deal with it.
When you son asks you about it, encourage him to ask grandma, because you don't know. It will help keep the heat where it belongs.

Good luck,
E.

I think that you should start by sitting down with your mom or on the phone and tell her how much you love both of your children and that she should treat both of them the same. Maybe you could talk her into only taking only your daughter a few times so that she can bond with her a little more.Then ask her to take them both or if she does something with one she needs to do the same with the other next time. If she doesn't want to then I would seriously tell her she can't take either one, because it hurts the entire family when she does this. It sounds like you have made a great family and what she is doing is breaking your family's hearts. Grandmas don't do that. They are supposed to be the fun ones. The ones who all the kids want. The ones who spoil them. She should be the mature person and the loving grandma to all of them. Hope this helps.

I couldn't help but wonder if it has something to do with the fact that you and your fiance are not married yet. I know you see yourself as a complete family but perhaps your mother does not.

The only way to salvage your relationship with her and correct the problem is to sit down and discuss this with her openly, calmly and kindly. Ignoring her or staying away from her isn't going to fix anything.

I agree with others who have suggested an age thing here with the kids too. I KNOW my in-laws have a harder time with the younger kids. They have flat out told us. I expect the sleep overs and other fun stuff to come when my girls are old enough for that. I also know that everyone connects differently with different people. I don't hold it against my mother-in-law that she just happens to find one of my children funnier and one of them cuddlier. It has a lot to do with each person's personality. I doubt that the 2 1/2 year old sees/feels the favoritism the same way as you do. If I were you I'd be careful about what you say in front of the kids though because you may just plant ideas and feelings for them by the way you react and what you say. Let them form their own opinions of her as they grow. That way you are not the bad guy in the eyes of your kids or the eyes of your mother in the end.

I agree, you should talk to her sometime and tell her how much it hurts your daughter's feelings when she is left out and that your son asks why your daughter can't come, too. Maybe if she knows she's hurting your son, she might change her mind. Good luck!!

Could part of it be the age of the children too? I have a 5 year old and a 3 year old, and my mom definitely spends more time with the 5 year old. In some ways I do think she favors my oldest, but I also know that it is a lot easier to just have one, and even easier if that one is 5 and not 3 (or in your case, 2). Maybe if she could take your daughter for just one-on-one time, but not over night or for all day, just a few hours.

This might not help but your mother is not the only person that does this. My husbands grandma did it without reason. Some kids would get wonderful gifts while others got underwear for Christmas! They all laugh about it now.

I would explain to your mom that she does not have anyone else to be her grandma. She needs to feel special too! I don't know if she will listen but maybe if your son said something it might make a difference. Try saying that you are sorry if you have hurt her but she is an adult and kids don't understand things the same way. YOu are just trying to love her as a mother does and want equal treatment.

Good Luck,
C. B

This is really a tough one...I totally understand how difficult it is. The fact is, your mom probably does prefer to be with your son because he is her grandson and she's bonded with him since birth. Those feelings need to be honored. However, there is an innocent little girl who can't understand why the grandmother she's known as long as she can remember seems to prefer her brother over her.

In my opinion, open communication is the key here. Speak with your mother honestly about your feelings, and allow her to do the same. Work together on a solution, understanding that everyone's feelings are being affected here...hers, yours, and both your children. Perhaps she could spend one on one time with both children at different times, and sometimes have both of them come over. You can be very clear about wanting to limit the number of times your son is invited over without his sister because it is hurtful to the little girl. When your daughter has plans with others, that might be a good time to set something up for your mom and son to spend some time together, because the little girl is doing something else and she won't feel neglected by your mom. The important thing is that your mom clearly understands that this innocent little girl who loves her as a grandmother gets hurt when she's excluded.

Good luck - I hope things work out for all of you!

T.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I would say:
"Mom, when you single out time with (insert name) and don't include (insert name) it really hurts (insert name's) feelings. She is noticing the difference, and so is (insert name). If you want to spend one one one time with them that is okay, but it needs to equal. If it's not then we will only see you when both kids are welcome"

Stck to your guns. You are right!

GL!

Print this and send it to her. Include a heart felt letter acknowlaging her bond with your son and that she was hurt by the last interaction. Explain that you want your children... all three... to have a unique and special bond with her. This can not happen if she excludes your daughter. Blood has nothing to do with a grandmother's love. You said that she is very loving to you daughter. Ask if there is something else getting in the way (age, diapers, language, money). My father will not babysit if the kids are still in diapers and has a hard time with the "baby babble" that he can't understand. Is it hard for her to have both at the same time? Would she take your daughter for special outings?

Your children need that relationship, as does your mom. But if it is hurting your dauther... you need to fix it. Good start by coming here.

Hi,
I agree with the moms who stated the age difference may be a reason. You didn't say how old your mom is. My mom was in her thirties when she had me and by the time I started having kids she was in her late fifties, early sixties. She bonded very quickly to my oldest son, but 5.5 years later when my second came along she was just tired and didn't have the energy to deal with a toddler. She picked my older son up from school once a week and took him to the library and then back to her home, but she wouldn't even watch my little one for the evening. I know she loved them both, just couldn't keep up with a toddler on the go all the time. Hope this helps a little. Don't be too hard on your mom, she's raised her kids and wants to enjoy her grandchildren, maybe when your daughter is a little older it will be easier. I would start to worry if after your third comes along you see this same situation happening between your daughter and the new baby. Good luck.

I had a similar scenario with my first mother-in-law, only thing is, all of the children were her blood grandchildren, no blended-in children.

Perhaps the fact that your daughter is a blended child has something to do with Grandma's favoritism, and perhaps not. Perhaps Grandma simply finds your son more appealing for whatever reason. Favoritism is not logical, it simply is favoritism.

However, I applaud your concern and your desire to change this if you can, because I raised a child who continually suffered hurt feelings because Grandma's favorite was her brother. It hurts to be that child, and it hurts to be the mom of a child whose feelings are continually being hurt.

Since Grandma is great with your daughter when they are together, that's a good sign. Saying this without knowing the personalities involved, it sounds as if Grandma doesn't harbor any ill-will but merely isn't aware of the effect of the favoritism she's showing.

I suggest you have a calm and loving chat with her in a non-threatening environment. Take her to coffee or for lunch or dessert or something like that. Then tell her that while you know she does love both the children, as do you, and you know she doesn't intentionally hurt your daughter's feelings, your concern for your daughter prompts you to encourage Grandma to treat the children equitably. Taking just the son for some one-to-one time is great, but please do the same for the daughter. Tell her she is a great grandmother and you want her to continue to have a great relationship with both the children. After all, grandmothers are special beyond words, and you want want all your children to love her equally without feeling that she somehow loves them less than their siblings.

Hi S.,
You have to talk to your mom and tell her how it is affecting your daughter. That you are one family and though she may see a difference because of blood it is not how then are being raised and that they cannot be treated differently. Maybe have one night where your son goes out to dinner and one night where your daughter goes with her so they both have the one on one with her.

I am one of 4 kids, 3 brothers and my self, we used to have Tuesday nights out with dad. Each Tues. just one of us got to go out, shop, movie, dinner, fishing, whatever we wanted for the evening. So basically once a month we each had our night out with dad. My dad is gone now but Tues. nights out are some of my fondest memories.

If this is too emotional to talk to your mom about then write her a letter. We can generally write more specifically and calmly than talk and the person reading can mull it over with out feeling a need to defend themselves.

You are very fortunate to have a blended family that works for you and you fiance. Have fun.
S. M

You are (in a way) a bit fortunate that your mom is willing to take both kids. You didn't say if your daughter was already potty trained or not, but my parents wouldn't take my kids at 2 1/2. They have a strong bond w/my oldest (who is now 10) but my mom baby-sat him for the first 3 yrs of his life due to a situation. But they do not do the same for my other 3 as they do for the oldest, by the time the spend with everyone. I think part of your "problem" is that since your son is the oldest, there's that automatic bond of the "first born" grandchild. Then on top of it, your daughter "technically" isn't your daughter in your mom's eyes I'm sure. So that could be her issue that she's not mentioning. I'd have a conversation with her face to face & ask her about it. Find out if there's a reason she why doesn't want both kids over at the same time, maybe she can't physically handle caring for 2 at a time. How does your daughter do at sleep over's? Maybe if she handles it well your daughter could stay alone one night. I finally told my parents that if they couldn't spend time with each child individually as well as allow all to spend the time and want to come home several times before getting it down pat as my oldest one was allowed to do. Then they could just see them when we came in on the weekends whenever. That I wasn't going to allow favoritism to go on with our family. All 3 boys stayed together one night several months ago. The 2 youngest would love to do it again....but the grandparents aren't willing, so no one goes. Its not fair to the oldest to keep him from staying the night.....but to me its not fair to not allow the younger ones to stay also. So you might have to be a bit firmer with your mom. Have her spend the day with your daughter where you guys spend it with your son. Then maybe on a weekend they can both stay the night. Its hard to make a 2 yr old understand that big brother needs "alone" time some times. But that should be allowed on occassion. My parents are the only grandparents they see or spend time w/. The other grandmother isn't in the picture (though alive) for other reasons. But I stil won't allow my parents to dictate who they will spend time with, they did that to us when I was a kid.....its not fair & you can't build a bond that way. Sometime grandparents needed to be reminded to play fair :)