A.L. asks from Athol, MA on July 08, 2008
Help-husband Thinks I Lack Motivation- I Say My Disabilities Impair Me at Times-
Hello to all and hope that some of you can help me and my husband understand some things. My husband and I have been married for less than a year and I have a 10 year old from a previous relationship. My husband works 40 hours a week and commutes 50 minutes a day. I became disabled about 4 1/2 years ago, which caused me to stay home and collect SSDI. My health ailments are Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis. These disabilities over time and the medications that I take have caused other disabling health concerns, such as high blood pressure, high cholesterol, weight gain, depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and slight ADD. The problem I have is that when my husband comes home from work, he always asks what I had done that day. Some days are better for me than others and I am able to "pick up" around the house. There are other days that I am just getting out of bed at 4:30pm when he gets home because I am just too exhausted for life, never mind cleaning the house. When he gets home, he checks in with me and then goes to a friends house to relax and have a beer. He is usually home by 7pm every day.
Before we got married, we dated for 2 years and lived seperately, I took care of my daughter on my own, and never had a "crystal clean" home, it was always cluttered. My daughter (I'll save those issues for another day and topic) has her own agenda and does not take obedience or chores very well. I can get her to pick up for 10 minutes at a time if I pay her....
My husband knew that I was disabled and had health concerns before we married and I always told him "I hope you don't expect me to be a good housewife" because I can barely manage my own being. He expects that the house be clean, cat litter changed, trash be taken out, car immaculate, etc. but what he doesn't understand is that I do get some things done around the house and takes for granted the fact that I try my best. There are days when I literally cannot get out of bed but to get my child to school and pick her up. I take care of my childs every need, I do not rely on him for my responsibilities of her. I tend to whatever she needs, school, therapy, doctors appointments, etc. I spend on average 10 hours per week or more at doctors, therapy or school related appointments. What am I to do more for my husband, what do I have to do to make him understand that I am only one person trying to take care of an entire family when physically I am trying to manage my own health.
My husband does a lot around here. The "manly" responsibilities: trash on fridays, lawn maintenance. He helps load the dishwasher, and carries the laundry up for me. He pays the bills. I do have someone help me about 2-4 hours per week (paid) with laundry, etc.
What are we to do?????
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More Answers
J.E. answers from Boston on July 10, 2008
Hi A.,
First off let me start off with I am sorry that you have to have such troubles/disabilities. 2nd, I know that your husband can probably be a great man deep down inside, the way you portray him in your post though makes him out to seem like a selfish monster. I do not understand why he would expect all of these things from you, knowing full well you probably can not do them. I think it would be best for him to fully understand your illness and if he has to go and sit at your doctors office with you to get it, then so be it. I also do not think you should have to pay someone to do your laundry, make your daughter buck up and start doing things around your home. I understand she may have ADHD, that however does not excuse her from doing some chores around the house and helping you out. You shouldn't be paying her for doing 10 minutes of work around the house. It sounds to me like you are too tired to disipline your daughter, which yes, I feel for you in the regard that you may be tired a lot, but you have to try to push on through that and make sure your daughter is diciplined and well taught as well.
Also a bit concerning is the fact that every night your husband comes home and then goes over to a friends house. That is time you guys could be spending together. I think you guys need some marriage counseling because it seems as though he is resenting you for some reason and you are resenting him as well.
I wish you the best of luck,
J.
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A.E. answers from Hartford on July 10, 2008
I had CFIDS/Fibromaligia throughout high school. The realitiy of the illness is that it is still one of the most misunderstood illnesses out there...i dont think there is anything you cando to "change " your husband...except to give it time
Different things help different people with this disease...but this is what FINALLY worked for me
1. I was tested for "food sensitivies" by a naturopath...I wasn't buying it, but figured I would give the drastic diet a try - and was shocked and amazed to be almost 100% well with in weeks...even took a kickboxing class and dropped a ton of weight. I can now eat a normal diet and am fine! The doctor I saw is in West Hartford, Dr. Nancy White
2. What worked for my friend with FM- going off Lipitor...not sure which came first for you, but it might be worth asking your doctor about.
3 There is a new Fibromyalgia clinic in Norwalk, they see people from all over New England...my niece is RN case manager there. Anyway there website is www.fibroandfatigue.com
HTH...hang in there...it is so hard to deal wtih people who dont understand and think your lack of motivation is caused by your disease.
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T.R. answers from Boston on July 10, 2008
hi, well i also have fibromyalgia and bipolar. I am in pain constantly I will be a little harsh at first but please read the whole thing. Everything I have read and from my own personal experience is with fibromyalgia you need to do at least light exercise. I know how hard it is to get out of bed but you need to find something that will motivate you. I am not talking about stuff around the house i mean something for your health. A walk around the block, or somerthing like that. I go to the Ymca 4 days a week and do water classes, I also do some cardio. It took a while before I worked up to the work out i do know. The water makes me feel so good. But if you stay still and not stretch those muscles it only gets worst. I do small things that help me around the house When i go grocery shopping I buy my meat for the week. I put each differwent meat in a ziploc bag with marinade so when my husband comes home he picks which one he wants to eat. Then cooks it on the grill. All i have to do is side dishes. I dont mean to come off as higher than now or not understanding what you are going through. I also see a physciatrist once a week for group therapy. I do accupunture 3 times a month and message therapy 1 a month. I am so sorry for you that you are feeling this way. Please for me try to do something exercise for your self this week. I feel my husband does not get sometimes either.but he atleast respects me because I am trying to do everything i can to combat my disease. I told you all i do and am still in severe pain but I feel so good in the water and right after i have worked out. My pain even wakes me out of sleep. what meds are you on. have you tried lyrica? Well i have gone on long enough so good luck, i am sincere in my hope for you. I also have a daughter who is in college , I was always worried what she thought about me lying around. As you know we look fine so people dont unsderstand. I have lost 60 pounds and my husban and daughter are proud of me which motivates me to keep moving. Then there are days when i just cant go any further,so i just rest.They then know just how bad ny pain is. I could go on about my syptoms but I have gone on long enough.Every once in a while I buy my husband a card thenking him for his support in helping me around the house. Which reminds him of my condition because he tends to forget again we look fine. I also take a small nap everyday after i have done something for myself. I am also on disability . T.
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A.P. answers from Portland on July 10, 2008
Hi A.,
I'm wondering, have you ever been tested for lyme disease? I'm also worried that your medications are making you even sicker than the original diseases. There is a book out there called Allergies Diseases in Disguise that I think is worth checking out. You are so young to be suffering so much! I honestly believe you can get better, but you need to go down a different road because the one you're on just isn't working.
I have a friend with fibromyalgia who has gotten great relief from water therapy. It allows for movement without stressing the joints so much. Have you considered acupuncture, massage therapy, or reiki? I hope you find your way back to health!
2 moms found this helpful
L.Q. answers from Boston on July 10, 2008
Husbands all think we woman/mothers never do enough! But I want to suggest to you that you go and see a homeopathic doctor for all of your issues. He can help with fibromyalgia, arthritis, bi-polar, weight gain, depression all of it!
I know many people probably including you disagree with that type of medicine but think of it this way are regular doctors helping you? Apparently not! The website is www.maxhealing.com the doctors name is Mark Dana Mincolla, Ph.d all of his associates are wonderful too. He helped my niece with bi-polar/ADHD, me with eczema, weight problems (thyroid condition) and anxiety, my husband and mom with fibromyalgia and dad with a number of things like diabetes.
Give it a try it won't hurt you! Sorry to hear about all of your health issues that is really horrible & your husband needs to be more understanding! Good luck.
2 moms found this helpful
H.T. answers from Boston on July 10, 2008
Hello A.
I know how hard it is to take care of things when your body won't let you. I hope things get better. You can't do anything for your physical ailments, but if you work on your depression, it can give you a better outlook on things.
My suggestion for your daughter is to have a serious talk with her about your disability and make it clear that she needs to help out more around the house. As children with ADHD need more visual cues, you can create a daily chore chart for her with her help. Every time she completes a task, she'll get a sticker or check or whatever. If she fills say 75% of the chart by the end of the week, then she'll get a set amount of money for allowance. This way she gets visual cues about what she needs to do and positive reinforcement. If you want to use negative reinforcement, you can have a rule that if she doesn't get say 50% of her chores done in one day, she'll forfeit 5 dollars or more of her allowance at the end of the week. Or take priveleges away like X amount of phone time, or TV time, or something she really enjoys doing. Just see how it works. Be sure you create the positive and negative reinforcements WITH her input so that she can feel as though she has some control over what happens to her when she doesn't meet expectations. She needs to know why she is doing things and she needs to have clear expectations about rewards and consequences. She's old enough to have a say in her won rewards and consequences.
You can get more ideas for this from her teacher or from websites for teachers. Speaking as a teacher, I want you to know that MOST teachers don't mind helping you work out plans for your child at home because it helps in the classroom too. Just tell her teacher what you want to accomplish at home and what your daughter's response has been. I'm sure she'll have some helpful techniques and as a bonus, she'll probably support the idea in the classroom as well.
Look for "classroom management" ideas and tweak it for your daughter. Those techniques work well for individuals and classrooms.
As for your husband, it's hard to blend a family even if it's with one child. Your husband seems to expect a lot from you because you stay at home. Family counseling couldn't hurt. In fact, it sounds like it's really needed.
As for getting him to be more empathetic with your situation, how about getting him to come with you to one of your doctor's appointments?
This way he can talk to the doctor himself about what he thinks you should do around the house and the doctor can let him know in realistic terms what he can and cannot expect.
Let him see some x-rays of your bones so that he can have a visual picture of what is happening to your body. I suspect he has no clue what your physical ailments are and what they are doing to your body. Have the doctor explain to him what bipolar means and how it affects the person and the people around them.
People can be really insensitive when they've no understanding of what you are dealing with.
I know you are doing the best you can. I hope my suggestions help a little.
~H.
2 moms found this helpful
C.F. answers from Boston on July 11, 2008
I'm not going to give you any advice because I don't know anything about any of those diseases I do beleive in the power of exercise even if ony light and moderate exercise. It's great for your mind and your body and I'm just completely shocked that you are so young and these diseases are just completely taking over your life! You are not 80, you are 30! I think you need to really take the bull by the horns and speak to your doctor and get your meds situated, try to eat healthy, try to get some fresh air.. do whatever you can, not for your hubby, but for you.
1 mom found this helpful
M.F. answers from New London on July 09, 2008
Hi A.,
Aside from your disabilities, it's hard to have motivation, when you are also now depressed. I'm sure depression by itself is causal to your other ailments as well. I battle with depression off and on, and more recently, since my family moved accross the country, and have no other family near. I also began staying home for the first time in all of my life. I've worked since I was a small child on a farm, and have known nothing else but hard work. On top of it all, staying home with 3 kids has not been a piece of cake, and keeping the entire house clean, kids fed, and taking care of myslef has been the toughest job I've ever had. Kudos to all of those stay-at-home mothers! I never knew how hard this was. But I still feel depressed that I'm not out in the work force, have gained weight, among other things. None of my problems are by any means camparible to yours, this I know.
There is something that has helped me almost rid myslef of the depression, and take more control of my health, and energy-level as a whole, that I'd like to share with you, though. It's called "The Secret". It's a book (and a movie) that has changed my life. My husband is great, but he also didn't understand my depression, lack of energy, weight gain and such, and I just felt so betrayed by him. Well, this book has shown me how to take care of myself, and in doing so, my husband has become more helpful. As soon as he saw that I was willing to help myself, he jumped in to help. We talk more now too, and he's told me that it's very hard for men to help or understand those who don't seem to want to help themselves. Men are all about fixing things, and when they don't know how to fix the person they love, they don't offer the help that person needs. They offer help, once they have a solution, but they need guidance. When you begin helping yourself, he'll begin to see how to help, and will jump in. I highly reccomend you look into this book (or movie) "The Secret". It has changed my life, and has helped revive my marriage.
Good luck to you!
1 mom found this helpful
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