Help Coping

I'm so sorry for your loss. Miscarriage can be so devastating.
Grieve your child and your loss.
It's hard to understand why me, why now, etc.

I had 3 miscarriages before my son and I got so sick of hearing "for the best" "something was probably wrong with the baby" etc.

I said to my brother O. day "We wouldn't have cared if there was something wrong with the baby--we wanted it and would have loved him/her no matter what!"

His reply really gave me a different perspective when I couldn't understand why something so horrible kept happening to me.

He said "You (or husband) might not have been able to HANDLE what was wrong with the baby--either emotionally, physically, etc. It might have led to giant issues down the road: severe depression, divorce, suicide, who knows?"

It really reaffirmed what I already knew--God already has our plan figured out and things happen for His will, in His way and in His time. Not ours. Wishing you peace and understanding...and my sympathy. Only you will know if and when you are ready to try again. God bless.

I feel for you... the latest I miscarried was at a little over 6 mo. Hard stuff. Miscarrying at any point is difficult. More so for some than others. I've mentioned this before, but not for awhile, so I'll say it again: I REALLY miss the Japanese cemetaries for unborn children. The recognition of loss and love for those we carried beneath our hearts not being recognized in this country I find to be a gaping hole.

I can only share one thing: Time heals nothing. We just get stronger.

Hello!

I feel your pain. I lost a baby girl at 20 weeks gestation. It was totally unexpected.

I too carried the baby for 48 hours while the DNC could be scheduled - that was weird - awful really as people kept wanting to touch my stomach and see if they could feel the baby move - all I could say was "sorry" and walk away.

My husband was supportive as well.

I have lost 3 babies - had one successful pregnancy, got pregnant again, lost that one at 12 weeks; got pregnant immediately after that, had another successful pregnancy; got pregnant again - lost this one at 20 weeks and got pregnant again about 5 months later and lost that one at 14 weeks.

We assume that all the babies I lost were girls - we know for a fact the one at 20 weeks was a girl - an autopsy was done. According to their results we should have had ANY "normal" babies - there is a gene that one of us carries that causes abnormalities. To be honest - we didn't get the tests done to find out which one of us did because we didn't want to "blame" the other. It's been 6 years and I still feel the pain of the loss. Every year is a tad bit easier. I try not to think about it. I hope and pray that I've been a good enough person and mother to make it to heaven to see them, hold them and love them.

It's not easy having a miscarriage and it IS scary getting pregnant again - don't stress and relax - that's all the advice I can offer you. The more stress you have - the harder the pregnancy is.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how difficult this can be. My fourth pregnancy ended at 14 weeks. I had an ultrasound at 12 weeks and everything was fine, our kids (6,4, and 1) were there for the US and very excited about the baby. I had to go back for another US 2 weeks later, the tech did a scan, she had the dr come and look, then I had to undress for a transvaginal US (I didn't know what was going on at this point). When they came back in for the last US the heartbeat was gone, he died right there in the office. They were looking closely because they saw swelling all over his body, so something was clearly going wrong with his development. I was induced the next day and delivered him later that night. I was glad I had the chance to see and hold my son. We named him and had him blessed by the chaplin at the hospital. It really helped to provide us with some closure. We had some tests done to try to find some answers, but everything came back normal, so we will never know why this happened. We had his body cremated and I carry some of the ashes in a mother-child necklace that I wear all the time.
I think it helps to find a way to memorialize your child. My children still talk about their brother sometimes, we say he is our special angel in heaven. Your heart will forever ache for your baby, but the pain does get better with time.
I was very nervous about getting pregnant again too. We didn't tell anyone when we got pregnant, and unfortunately we lost that baby too, at 12 weeks. The tests on that baby also revealed nothing. I think I felt more numb the second time around, I had spent the whole 12 weeks waiting for something to go wrong, but deep down inside holding out hope for a healthy baby. My heart sank when my fears were confirmed. I wasn't sure I could do it all again, but we seem to find the strength when we really need to.
I am happy to say that my 6th pregnancy ended with a healthy son, now 2 months old, and my family is now complete.
I would try to find a way to honor your baby. Plant a tree, make a donation to a pertinent charity in his/her name. Talk about your experience and grief. You will be amazed at the number of women you know who have lost babies. Once you tell your story they start coming out of the woodwork to support you and share their own experiences. Don't rush into another pregnancy, but don't let the grief and fear prevent you from growing your family. Most women will go on to have a successful and healthy pregnancy after a loss. I wish you peace and happiness.

My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is very hard. I would suggest journaling and addressing your letters to the baby. Also, get yourself a pretty necklace or bracelet to wear as a tribute and rememberance. It also would be helpful to name the baby and get a plaque or make one yourself with the baby's name and meaning on it. I like the idea of a tree, plant, cement lamb or angel for your garden, window cling and of course a small stuffed animal. There are lots of books to help you. Go to your library and ask the librarian. They are so understanding and helpful.

That happened to my friend. In her 2nd trimester. She had NO signs of a miscarriage either.
She went in for her prenatal check-up, there was no heartbeat... the baby was not living... she had to be induced, and had a D&C. She was by herself at that time... and had no one there with her during the process/procedure.
She now has a little boy.... and this was a normal pregnancy, and he was born just fine and healthy!
She also was 'older' at that time when she had this baby... over 40 years old.
She was fine.

Yes, joining a 'grief support' group or attending counseling is very good.... if you cannot find a "Counselor" then join a grief support group... you will meet many others there, that understand what you are feeling....
And yes, you need your 'own' time to process it and heal. It is good you and your Husband.... is there for each other.

all the best,
Susan

I did go through a similar situation. It was my 16 week visit when the Dr. couldn't find the heartbeat during a routine ultrasound. I was induced two days later and delivered my son about twelve hours later after the beginning of the induction. That was 2 1/2 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. It's hard because everyone goes on about their business and you are left behind to grieve on your own. I went through a good month where everything made me cry. After about a month, I did cry less and less and started to feel more like myself. I still think about it everyday! But do know that it does get better in time. We also were able to have our son cremated so he is with us all the time. I'm sorry you had to go through this. If you have any other questions, feel free to email or message me!

Hi there,
We lost our first at 9 weeks. I tried to stay away from the doctor's office when I drove. I worked in a Youth Services Department and told my coworkers that I might just have to leave the floor out of the blue. I didn't watch TLC. It's emotionally dangerous. I did not select the name we had chosen when we were pregnant again. Grief counseling sounds helpful.
You will find a way to deal on your own terms. I know it is hard to trust your body again. My hugest sympathies and support to you and your family.

Good luck,

L. L.

I know exactly how you feel. I lost a son at 17 weeks back in February.It was/is very very hard. I did try again and am no 20 weeks, although that has not eased my anxiety at all.

I have been writing about this unforgiving journey here: http://www.peanutbutterinmyhair.com

All my post on the miscarriage are labeled loss and the the conflicting feelings of being pregnant are under Pregnancy after Loss.

It's a club no one wants to enter but you need to know you are not alone and all that you are feeling totally normal. It's gets better almost everyday, some days are worse than others but it does get better.

I went through two miscarriages, also in the early 2nd trimester, when trying to have my fourth child. It was surprising, as well as devastating, because I'd never had any problems having my previous 3 children. As hard as it was, I knew I had to try one more time, and had that failed, I would have tried to take it as a sign to consider my family "complete"; a fourth not meant to be. I am blessed to say that I did get my fourth, and can only encourage you to keep trying. You may have to deal with more loss first, but eventually you may be rewarded with a healthy baby to love. Unfortunately, there's no way to know without trying. Good luck to you!