Help and Advice

Stop looking outside of yourself for happiness.

Children do not make us happy, nor do husbands or jobs.
We make ourselves happy (we are the meat) and all of the above children, husbands and jobs become loving desserts.
Who were you before your husband, job, child etc.,?
Where you ever happy? What made you laugh until you had to pee? Do you have time to doing nothing and just be?

This summer I put on a bikini and went to the beach with a childhood girlfriend. (Without husband and child)
Some how we ended up in the parking lot drinking orange slushies and the best was when we talked about nothing.

Afterwards, I felt so happy.
We watched the sun go down and got burned and worried about getting fatter. I remembered what it was like to have no expectations, but be busting with dreams and desires.
My friend did not make me happy - that happiness came from inside of me - my spirit.

1 mom found this helpful

Staying at home is not an easy job and I think that everyone has those moments of not liking it. However, it does sound to me like you are depressed. I would suggest seeing another doctor who might take your symptoms more seriously.

One of the things that I have found as a SAHM is that getting out of the house and doing things really helps. Find a local mom's group, call the libraries and go to their story hours/crafts and events, go to petting zoos or apple picking, etc. I know that for my area there is a website that I can go to that will list activities that are going on in a particular day/week...I found it by just searching the web. You could also just schedule things to do at home...go to a dollar store and buy a bunch of craft stuff. My two year old loves to glue things on to paper, use stickers, etc. She also loves to paint rocks and seashells.

Another thing to consider is that two is a difficult age. There have been days where I didn't think I could take it anymore and I have turned into the mom I have never wanted to be. Take time for yourself and give yourself a break.

Good luck

A.,

It's so hard to look at other mothers who seem so happy being at home and you feel like you are the only one who is not. There certainly are others who are depressed, who have challenging kids, or both, but no one advertises these difficulties. I agree with others who have suggested finding some time to do things for and by yourself that you enjoy. Do you have any relatives or babysitters who take care of your daughter on occasion? If so, don't use this time only for errands and chores around the house -- spend two hours in a coffee shop reading a good book, take a bike ride, get your nails done... anything that will make you feel better afterwards (and if you don't have anyone who can care for her, maybe now is a good time to find someone -- for both your sakes!).

But most importantly, please consider going to see a therapist or counselor. Internists and ob/gyn's are not specialists in mental health, so do not dismiss your feelings just because they say you "don't need anything." That probably means they don't think you need medication, but a therapist can try to help you address, cope with, and improve the aspects of your life that are contributing to your feeling so down. I would start by asking people you trust for referrals to a therapist, ask your doctors (if you feel comfortable calling back and asking for this), check who is covered by your insurance, and even look in the yellow pages or online for clinics or practitioners (I did a quick google search for therapists in your area and found this: http://www.saratogapsych.com/, not sure how close it is to you or if they have someone who specializes in depression/parenting/women's issues, etc., but it looks like a reasonable place to start). Remember, there's no "right" thing to do - working full-time, staying home, or some combination - the most important thing (for both you and your daughter) is to be happy with what you're doing. Good luck, and keep us posted.

A.

You sound like I did after my 2nd child (very much wanted). It sounds to me like you have an undiagnosed case of post partum depression. Go to a doctor, a counselor, a psychiatrist, someone who can help you or even all of the above. It took 4 years for someone to realize what was wrong with me and some prozac, while not without side effects at first, helped me more than I can say. I feel like I missed most of my daughter's baby years because I was so depressed, tired, angry etc. Don't let people pat you on the head and tell you you're fine, you know you're not and you'll be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself and your child when you get the right treatment. Feel free to email me ____@____.com. I wish you the best of luck, you AND your baby deserve happiness.

I have to disagree with a previous post that general practitioners are not qualified to diagnose and treat mental health conditions. They are the first line-often the ONLY line of care for people. They are qualified to recognize mental health conditions and to effectively treat them. Yes, there is a place for specialists-but don't count out the family practitioner. Family Practitioners know to "refer out" to the specialist when a condition is beyond their expertise or comfort level to treat. I would also suggest when you find a new health care provider, that you look for a Nurse Practitioner. NPs are qualified to treat patients and often take more time to actually talk to the patient then an MD.

If you don't find the answer you are looking for-keep searching for a health care provider that will listen to your concerns. Nobody should have to go through life "faking" it in public. You should be able to truly enjoy your life and your family.

I wish you luck,
J.

So sorry to hear you are struggling to get by. I think every mom I know has shared how badly she feels she has failed as a mother at some point. I don't think it is good for you and your family if never stops for you. Seek real friends and family to help pick you up. I would even seek therapy to help you start thinking and feeling the way you want to. Best wishes.

Dear A.:

If you feel something is not right than something is not right. You know yourself and your body better than everyone. Even if there is something not physically wrong there is something definitely going on psychologically. I am no expert but it sounds like you have depression and your child is probably picking up on it (they can sense these things). Like I said I am not an expert by I am very experienced when it comes to depression.

Sometimes pills are not the answer. You sound like you need therapy to discuss your emotions and where they might be coming from.

When it comes to looking at other moms being happy...you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. How do you know they are not faking it just like you said you were?

My advice may not be all that great but I wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone and I truly feel for you. I hope you are able to get the help you need.

I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. Our first baby was born still at 26 weeks so when I was blessed to get pregnant again, I kept thinking that this child was going to be such a miracle and that I was going to be the best mom. Our little miracle baby girl was born a year after our son was born still. I was thrilled, elated, joyous, etc... But I quickly found out that being a mother to a newborn is NOT at all what I expected. The long nights, the screaming every time we were inside, the feedings, the diaper changes, the boredeom, the isolation. It was just not what I thought it would be like. I had always seen those moms strolling around all happy with sweet, mellow babies in their strollers and I longed to be one of those moms. I kept thinking that I just had a difficult baby!!

Eventually, things got easier. Our little girl started sleeping through the night. I got more sleep and was well rested. She got to be more engaging and fun. I met other moms to spend time with. And just when I was totally getting the hang of it all, I had to go back to work (maternity leave was over).

I now have 3 children (my daughter and twin boys). I love them dearly, but seriously, when I am with them for any length of time, I think to myself, "there is NO WAY I could stay at home with them alone all day." They are in full day school, but the whining and the crying over ridiculous things drives me up the wall. I think I just am meant to be a working mom!! I love the time we all spend together, but I don't have the patience to deal with the crying when my daughter has to have her hair brushed, or my twins screaming because they didn't get a piece of candy!!

IT IS HARD. So don't beat yourself up. That being said, you may have some sort of depression.... only your doctor can tell you that. But don't think you're a bad mom because parenting isn't "fun." There are moments when I am a "Great Mom," where I'm running after my kids in a field, where we're laughing when ice cream is dripping all over the place etc... But there are the moments where I'm screaming at them to stop running around or getting annoyed because they dripped ice cream all over their brand new shirt!!!!

Hugs...

Hi A.,

It sounds like you've thought about how you're feeling alot! I think it's great that you have a supportive husband. I agree with Sue B. Sometimes when your a SAHM you are so caught up with being a good parent and making sure you get everthing done , you forget about a very important person.... YOU! If the doctors say you're fine and you've tried everything maybe you just need someone to talk to about how you are feeling to get it off your chest. Have you talked to a therapist? Just having someone there to listen to you and how you are feeling might help get some of that worry and anxiety out of your system. As for medication it works for some but not for others. I personally prefer to try alternative methods other than medicine. Do you ever just go out by yourself? or can you ask your husband to watch your child so you an have a break? Even if to run errands. I do that all the time. Sometimes you just need some ME time away from everything. Every mother asks themselves if they are a good mother at least 5 times a day if not more! I know I do. I have a 19 month old and I always worry about her! You just can't let it consume you. I hope you find what you need to make yourself feel better! Just remember no one is perfect and if we were what a boring non-eventful world we would live in!!!

M. :)

I'm sure that you are going to receive lots of great advice and I really feel for your situation. I would recommend seeking out the help of a child psychologist who could perhaps help you and your daughter's relationship. Sometimes mother and child can just be out of sync. It can be different personalities or perhaps it could originate from an early experience that hindered connection, a difficult birth for example, one where bonding was interrupted perhaps? A sympathetic expert could really help you and your daughter interact differently. Feeling like a bad mom is not a good place to be but it doesn't have to be that way.

Best of luck and go easy on yourself. I have found mothering to be the hardest thing I've ever done and sometimes I feel like I'm floundering too.

S.

I think a lot of what you are feeling is normal and I think I felt/feel the same way. I work full time though, so its not just a SAHM issue - its an issue of us as women doing something we may not want to do and thinking we should be happy doing it b/c we are trying to live up to certain expectations. I am not a fan of working full time but I honestly don't think I could stay home full time either - my problem is I need CHANGE - as my moms we get change in some ways, but not ways like we used to. ITS OK that you are feeling what you are feeling. I think we suffer from an unrealistic expectation about what life is going to be like when we have a child - espeically if it took you a long time to have one) and the truth is, its not always like that. ITS HARD. Its emotional. Its not always fun. It takes away from ourselves and then we question if its ok that we feel that way - YES, its ok - we are HUMAN BEINGS, we are INDIVIDUALS as well as moms. Don't pretend to feel anything b/c I think chances are most people you come across have or will have the same feelings you do at some time. My son was/is a difficult child IMO and I feel like most of my friends have it so much easier but I know its not really true. I often find I am comparing and feel sorry for myself and I am trying to STOP that and just focus on the positive and focus on fixing things that I am not happy about. That in turn helps me to find joy with my son. My son is 2.5. You need a support group, maybe some counseling, you need time to yourself to make you feel whole again and you need find time for your husband and friends and you overall just need balance. It is so hard to coordinate it all! You've got a lot going on and there isn't one easy answer BUT I can say that you are not alone and that doesn't make you a bad mother, or make you have something wrong with you. I would sersiouly suggest counseling b/c I feel like that puts things in persepctive and a good counselor will question you to pin point whats really wrong and work with you to find bottom line answers on how to fix it. When I talk to my counselor (which I've only done like 3 times EVER) she tells me I am all over the place when I talk and she gets me back on track. She doesn't let me vaguely talk about anything or vaguely say I'm going to do something. So maybe you should give it a try. LOL - but I jus stay away from those perfect people who seem to have no cares in the world, b/c it makes me feel bad about myself and I can't afford that! LOL! Exerics is also a key factor - as hard as it is to get it in - its good for your body and mind. A healthy, caffeine free diet with limited alchohol makes a big difference on my mood and energy level too. Another suggestion is take a day or two during the week - get a babysitter for a few hours and GO OUT ALONE or just stay home and relax alone. You need time FOR YOURSELF!

Hang in there Honey. Mothering is an all consuming, 24/7 job. I feel stress a lot and also find myself yelling and don't always feel good about my parenting. I think we women are sometimes too hard on ourselves. You probably do better than you think but are too run down to realize. Take a day off. No kid, no husband, no house. It does wonders. I would also suggest joining in some activities with other mothers. There are MOMS clubs and Welcome Clubs around that have helped me. And going to therapy and talking things out can help too. I know exactly how you feel. Don't beat yourself up too much. Get some time for yourself and make sure your little one gives you lots of hugs. Good luck.

A.,
I somewhat understand what you're going through. I felt overwhelmed and anxious the first six months after my baby girl was born. My husband and I had tried for 8 years to have her. I think my expectations were high and I thought I would be happy all the time and be able to function and have my home in order. That was ridiculous thinking. Sometimes I felt my husband didn't understand me and the site of him just irritated me even more. When I returned to work after 3 months I felt guilty. I started seeing a psychologist who determined that I was PPD. And my husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor. Going to my psyhcologist help so much because I didn't feel so alone and I could cry my eyes out in front of someone and not be judged. I can honestly say it helped very much to put a name to my condition. The next part was dealing with it. My needed to take care of myself also so I started going to yoga or go swimming...leaving the baby at home with my husband. At first I felt guilty...but in time I realized that you have to take care of yourself first in order to be able to take care of your family. You're not a bad mother, you're a person who is overwhelmed and needs to take care of this. Your baby will pick up on this and both of you will be miserable. My baby is 14 months old and I've stopped seeing the therapist, but I have her number on my cell in case I need a "tune up". There are moments I feel myself getting anxious and overwhelmed. That's when I make plans with my husband to take the baby for a few hours while I go pamper myself and get a massage and go for a run...and have a cup of coffee by myself.

Hang in there A., you're NOT alone. Good luck and rememeber to give yourself some time for YOU!!
P. S

I would start with doing some things for your self that you enjoy, self care is the first step towards feeling better. Go for a massage, take up a hobby, join a book club, have a makeover, just start doing some things for you and see if that improves how you feel. As moms its easy to lose site of ourselves and our own needs, especially when caring for young children that need so much all the time.
If you are able to, see if you can create some time just for you. Just 4 hours a week might make a big difference, get a babysitter or family member to watch your child twice a week for 2 hours and go have some time for yourself. Go to a cafe for a cup of coffee and reading a book, or for a long walk, or a scenic drive, or lunch with a friend. Whatever it is you'd enjoy. Take some time for you, you'd be amazed at the difference a bit of breathing room and space can make in your over all sense of well being. Be well - T.

I recommend you have a full psychiatric evaluation by a trained psychiatrist or psychologist. A general practitioner is not qualified to diagnose and treat mental health issues (even though they can prescribe medicine; in my opinion and experience, their lack of specialization makes them a poor choice for anything more complicated than mild depression or situational anxiety).

I have definitely been suffering from depression, but I have a diagnosed disorder that existed before I had kids. I never realized how hard it would be after having kids. If you want to talk, email me.

Hi A.,
I feel you.
I've been down that road: feeling tired, irritable and joyless when I was expecting to feel jubilant and bubbly and light headed after having my 2 boys. I didn't get to the point of seeing specialists though.
I switched my outlook. I found out I was expecting too much out of being a SAHM. I wanted perfect not knowing perfect never goes hand in hand with young children.
I think what you should do is back up a little and assess the whole situation:
are you overdoing things?,
are your expectations a little too high?
are you comparing yourself to so and so?
Because when you are experiencing any of the things I mentioned above, you can never find your happy center, since you are not so and so or you simply can't do as much as you think.
Be realistic and then chill. It worked for me. I made a decision to love my life just the way it is.
Demanding babies? bring them on.
Too many things to do? Do as much as you can in a day.
Try to carve some time for just yourself - this is very important.
Find an activity you actually enjoy doing with your daughter, no matter how silly it might be. Digging dirt with my boys was a highlight of many of our days - well, of course I was weeding and such. Take baby steps into refinding yourself, refinding the mother inside you coz really, kids are a true blessing. We sometimes forget and want to make them our source of happiness. They are a blessing and depending on how we look and understand that blessing, in return, we find happiness, gratitude, humbleness.
Also remember, our babies' moods are a mirror image of ours. When a mother is tense, unhappy and moody, her children will be the same and that's when she'll end up with whiny, clingy, crying babies.
Stay blessed.
L..
http://www.mykidsmyworld.com

I stayed home the first four months of my baby life and I didn't enjoy it much because I' m the type of person that likes to be busy and I was kept inside during the winter months I got the baby blues for a little while and really didn't feel myself until I went back to work part time and realized I could do that. Your baby may sense your unhappiness and ultimate sense of guilt because of that it's a vicious cycle that has to be stopped because it only destroys your relationship as you try to build it up. Ultimately you will not have a good relationship with your daughter until your happy with yourself and not force yourself to feel happy. A lot of mothers wait a long time to have a baby and it is harder for an older mother to adjust to that sort of lifestyle when they have spent most of their adult life doing things for themselves. I think you should make both you and your daughter happy put her in nursery school and do something you enjoy while she's there or get a part time job you will feel better when you feel productive and not put so much pressure on yourself to feel a certain way it just isn't true that to most mothers it comes naturally sometimes you learn love and joy over time just like it isn't true that all people fall in love at first sight.
You'll be fine
God bless
From a fellow mom who understands!

Hi A.,

I do understand how difficult it is for you. My daughter now 8, has been difficult from the day she was born. She cries, whines and screams. I felt like nobody understood I am sure that nobody understood, and they still don't, Only those dealing with a child like this can. We tried psycologist, social work etc... for her. I did not find any of the suggestions to work with her. I felt that all the other mothers seemed so happy. (Now I know, they all have their own problems. I know how it feels to want to be a good mother and then find yourself yelling all the time. There are so many conflicts, I love my daughter, but at times just want, need to be away from her, the whining and screaming is draining. I felt so guilty for so many of my feelings. But, I am human and not perfect. Nobody is. I had PPD. Talk therapy and medication helped alot. My daughter will always be difficult, it is part of her personality, but we continue to learn how to deal with her. All the crying, whining and screaming is emotionally exhausting!!! But it has gotten better!

I thought going back to work would help. In reality I found that going back to work made things worse. Each morning I started my day with a child that was crying, screaming and uncooperative. Then after working a stressfull day at work (I am a nurse) I would come home to a child that missed me all day, who was tired and crying and screaming. I did this for two years. Finally, I had enough and decided to stay home with her, which is what she needed also. As supportive as my husband is, I found that most of the housework and child care issues continued to be my responsibility. This added so much more stress.

I would definately switch doctors and find one that is willing to listen and more willing to persist in helping you. Remember, you are paying the MD for a service. Many doctors feel uncomfortable with depression and are not up on the best treatment options. Also, Please have your thyroid checked. It is not uncommon for women to develop thyroid condition after childbirth. It is a simple blood test. Hypothyroidism is often missed. The symptoms are similiar to some of the symptoms you describe and can mimmick depression or even cause depression.

Remember, It does get better, you will learn what works for you, your husband and daughter. It is trial and error. Behaviour charts and the such never worked with my daughter. She is now 8 and Currently, writing behavior contracts that spell out the expected behavior and consequenses have helped. (your daughter is probably too young for this). Your daughter is probably very bright. Often children with this behavior are. Children like this need a lot of structure (I am not structured, but I am trying).

Please feel free to contact me, if you just want to vent. I do understand.

Wishing you a peaceful day.
S.

p.s: I also have a 11 year old son, who is quiet, cooperative and pretty layed back. It is amazing how two children with the same parents can be so different.

Hi A.
I really think you should seek a second opinion from another doctor. It does sound like you are depressed. Also, you should try looking for a mothers group in your area. I can't tell you how much of a difference it made for me. I met 3 of my best/closest friends there. Try looking up MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers) it's a great group. Once you meet other moms, you will see, they are not nearly as put together as they seem! Lots of moms are good at "faking it"! If you had some support from other moms I think you would start to feel much better about your own mothering skills. You are not the only one with these feeling, as you can see here! Being able to express these feelings and knowing that you don't feel right are huge steps in the right direction! I wish you the best. Please keep us posted on what happens!

You know yourself and it sounds like everything is not "ok" - please don't listen to your obgyn or your husband - it sounds like you do need some help. I have a 3 year old son and i'm a SAHM - it is VERY HARD!!! I don't know what kind of pills you are on, but it sounds like you need some support in the form of talk therepy. Whether that is a group of other SAHM that you get together with every week or a psychologist or social worker. Who is prescribing you the pills? It sounds like classic depression to me and you owe it to yourself and your daughter to get some help. You have been through A LOT w/ trying to get pregnant for 3 YEARS! Then having PPD, being a stay at home mom AND having a daughter with special needs it sounds like - as she receives some services (so does my son). It is a lot to deal with emotionally. You also need to get yourself some help - if you can afford it - a babysitter or nanny once or twice a week to do some things for YOURSELF!!! You do need a break! Exercise - very important and go and talk to someone on a regular basis. I believe if you do this you will find your peace - it will take time - but you will. Hang in there.

Hi A.,

If you feel something is not right, something is not right. What are you doing for yourself? Have you left behind from your pre-child life that you miss? Are you doing something besides mothering that feeds your soul?

It looks like you are looking at both physical and emotional aspects of this, which is good. I have found homeopathy to be very helpful, and the homeopath her/himself a great person to sort things out with. Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

C.

I agree with all the others, what counts is what you feel, is you feel wrong, doctors should listen to you! Go in there again and tell them you are going to switch doctors if they don't listen to you.
I can so relate also to the problems with your child. With your first child, you don't know what to expect and everyone else around you seems to be doing a better job. I felt the same way, building up a lot of frustration, agony and stress, thinking I was the worst mom in the world, because I couldn't make my son develop into a friendly happy child like all the other moms. But if your child has developmental issues, it is not about you being a bad mom. You have already done the absolut best thing for your child, which is to get him/her services (thru early intervention?). Also, congratulations on making this happen at such an early age - do you realize how many parents do not realize something is wrong developmentally until much older? Hang in there, you have already helped your child, now take the next step and help yourself (posting here is a great first step).

Have you been to a therapist? If you are not sleeping, crying a lot, feel low on energy and sad, it sounds like depression to me, whether postpartum or otherwise. Find a doctor who will take you seriously and get some supportive help. "You're fine" when you are clearly not is not going to cut it. Find a therapist and go. You deserve to be taken serously.

Hi A.,
You are definitely not alone in feeling this way. So many women including myself had some type of depression and anxiety. If doctors and certain meds don't help then maybe what you need is some alone time with your husband and some adult time with your friends. My friends who are SAH moms found it easier when they joined the mommy groups and had playdates and adult conversations between themselves that didn't involve poop or baby development. It's definitely not an easy job to be a mom. If you worked before maybe you can look forward to getting a part-time job while your baby goes to daycare for a few hours next year. I found it helpful setting aside some time for myself and the people I want to be with and then having something to look forward to. As moms we worry and give our all to our kids and then worry again that it's not good enough. But most of the time everything is fine and we make ourselves nuts overthinking things. Things come into perspective when you resume little bits of your old life (friends, alone time, going out to a movie)and feel like a person again rather than a machine who has to please everyone. Things will get easier with time, and it's okay to be a little selfish and indulge yourself in the things you want once in a while (about once a week if you can get someone to watch your child).

Be positive and regaining yourself will help

K.

I'm no therapist - and I'd never try to psychoanalyze you, but it kinda sounds like you're not doing anything that you want to do and only doing things that you "have" to do. Maybe you don't know what you want to do - what would make you happy. Maybe making a list of things that you like to do (read, exercise, dance, photography, ski...whatever) and make a point to make sure that you do some of those things every day would help. Play music that you like in your house, join a playgroup and meet some other moms to hang out with, go out and party like a college kid with some girlfriends...give yourself a break and have some fun.
You're the only one that can make your life what you want it to be. Make yourself happy and your kids will be happy too.

I really know how you feel. I think if you have had to wait a long time for a child you feel like it should be joy every day, and if you don't feel like that, then you feel something must be wrong with you.
In fact, people who have had fertility issues of some sort are more likely to feel depressed after the child is born.
I don't know if you have PPD, but it sounds like it might be, if you are experiencing low mood and difficulty sleeping.
Motherhood is the hardest job any of us do, depressed or not. It can be hard to think you are doing it right, especially if you are a person who is used to setting high standards for herself and achieving those. Parenting is a long haul process, so bad days and yelling sometimes will not hurt your child in any way. Being there and loving her is the important part.
Think about what services and support you can access, both to help your child if she has issues of some sort, and also for yourself. You will be a better mother if you have time out to do something for yourself. This is not something to feel guilty about but something that everyone needs and deserves.
The other thing to think about is that being a stay at home mom is not for everyone. Again this is a matter for the individual and the family, and not something that is right or wrong.
I had PPD after the birth of my first child 9 years ago. I thought that I could throw myself into mothering and be totally satisfied with that so I gave up my job. I loved my child and enjoyed parts of being at home, but couldn't believe how exhausting, draining and at times miserable and boring being at home all day could be. Because I was depressed I couldn't find the energy to think about going back to work so I didn't, and kept trying to find my whole sense of identity in motherhood.
Eventually I had another baby, and started to work for a voluntary organization using my skills and am now a graduate student too. I have realised that being at home full time just does not suit me and I need the stimuation and buzz of doing something else.
I had had antidepressants and counselling, but it was working and studying which made me better in a way that pills never could.
It might be worth exploring whether there is something you could do outside the home, maybe part time, and you might find that it gives you a new perspective on motherhood. I know I am a better mom when I have had time away from my kids doing something that interests me.
Also, my kids are really interested in what I do, like to ask me about it and have never said a word about the fact that sometimes they have childcare rather than me.

I am sorry you are going through this! I had PPD too, but I also had many problems with my husband and lack of the right type of support from him. It seemed to last awhile, and that is normal. Are you getting enough "me" time and taking some breaks from your daughter? Have you tried support groups or counseling? I was a SAHM too and I started working as a childcare provider when my daughter was about 1 1/2. This really helped me feel more productive and also gave my daughter someone to play with. Just a suggestion, but that could also give you added stress if it's not the right fit. Make sure you are surrounding yourself with supportive, non-judgmental people that will help to boost your confidence level. I go through periods of time when I feel like a terrible mom myself - I think we all do. We are not perfect! Give yourself some more credit and stay convicted. Get out of the house as much as possible and find activities and events to go to that are kid-friendly. You will feel so much better! As for the whining, your daughter is probably just trying to get your attention in her own quirky way. I find that if I make an effort every day to really spend some quality time with her, it makes her less whiny and less likely to put up a fight with me. If I think of any other ideas, I'll pass them your way. Hang in there!

I am actually a postpartum doula in training now! Because of my experience, I really want to help other moms out.

Feel free to contact me again as I would love to help more.

Kind Regards,
Annie

First of all, what I want to let you know, is that even those mothers that seem to have it all together have a hard time too. Motherhood is hard. When people used to ask me how being a mom was, I would say that no one ever told me how hard it was, but no one ever told me how great it was too. You seemed to idealize having a child and now that it isn't perfect, of course you're going to disappointed and frustrated. (I have suffered from depression for years now, and have had no luck with medication, so I took matters into my own hands) I always wanted to be a mom, and I did have to realize that it wasn't all smiles and hugs. But I get through the tough times by each time trying to remember something wonderful about my daughter. I am in wonder of her and I appreciate every little thing. Basically, my philosophy, is to be optimistic or else I might cry. I force myself to be optimistic and then it actually becomes more of a habit. Instead of looking at the overall picture, notice the little things. Notice the smiles (even if they are few and far between), the hugs, every new thing your daughter learns. Remeber that every day holds hope of a happy moment or maybe even more than one. Hold on, and keep trying. I really hope that you can be happier and more comfortable in your life. Good luck to you. God Bless.

A.-
i thought the same thing when i stayed at home with my 3 kids. i thought it was going to be sunshine and rainbows the whole time. i'm pretty sure i was depressed too. i went back to work full time about a year ago because money was tight. it was the best thing i could have done. i feel like my old self again. if you don't think you can handle full time, maybe try a part time job and see if that helps. if you don't belong to a moms group, then join one. meetup.com has many moms groups and i belong to one in flemington, nj and everyone is just fabulous. some people are cut out to be stay at home moms and others are not. whatever makes you happiest is what will be good for your family. i have less time now, but the time i do have with my kids, i am not yelling at them and frustrated. good luck!

I know how you feel. I had PPD after I gave birth, and that rolled over into full blown depression until my son was about four months old. I never really had anyone confirm this (I mean a doctor) -- but I knew something was not right, and it wasn't. Even though I relayed my symptoms to my doctors, I was too embarrassed to tell them the whole story and they never really asked, and besides it was all so awkward. You never really have time to talk to your doctor anyway. Finally, a little thing about me -- I am a doctor myself, and let me tell you -- most docs are not well trained at really recognizing signs of PPD. Just a few other pointers:

In terms of bloodwork, did anyone check your thyroid function tests? I don't just mean the usual TSH, T4, T3. What about thyroglobulin antibotidies? Did anyone check your thyroid during your exam to ensure it was not enlarged? If you don't trust your doctor to be complete, you may want to ask to see an endocrinologist (hormonal specialist.

Are you breastfeeding? There is a phenomenon in which mother's report feeling depressed while breastfeeding (strange but true) -- and it would be a stretch since yours is 2 years old, but still, thinking of all possibilities.

Has your child been evaluated for her "services" -- I am not sure exactly what you mean by this, but thinkg from a doc's perspective, she may benefit from a complete evaluation from a behavioral specialist to see if there is an underlying disorder that can be fixed with more specific therapy, or if there are discipline issues that can be better addressed by both of you going to therapy together.

Speaking of therapy, have you considered therapy for yourself? I have had bouts of sadness throughout my life and I have found therapy extremely helpful. Some may not mind having your child in the room with you, and some may be associated with a church or nearby care center where you can drop her off for an hour or so. It may take a few visits with a few therapists to get one that clicks with you. If you are in the Jackson, NJ area, I can refer someone I used that really helped me.

Finally, as all of us responders will say, I am sure, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This happens to many mothers, and just because you are a mother does not mean you have superpowers (well, sometimes you might!). As one responder said, it may be a matter of lowering your expectations -- not for your child, but for yourself! It is OK to have a crying and whining child sometimes (well, a lot of the time, I dealt with my own little monster this morning). IT WILL GET BETTER, but please, keep asking for help, and don't allow yourself to suffer alone. You don't deserve that. In the meantime, good luck, and I will be praying for you and hoping things get better fast.

Hi A.. I truly sympathize with your plight. I have been a stay at home mom since my daughter's birth 3 years ago and I suffered from PPD also. My weight gain and constant demands of a child didn't help at all. If I were you, I would get involved with a support group for PPD and also think about talking to a mental health professional. I also found that taking some time off from motherhood, i.e. a few days or even a week away by yourself might help to clear your head. I wish you the best and will keep good thoughts for you and your family. All the best!

I am so sorry to hear about your problem-it must be devastating for you. I think you should talk to someone about it. I would think a therepist could help you and maybe you could feel better about your life with your wonderful child. She can sense alot from you- maybe that is why she is fussy-so by taking care of yourself and getting better you will be able to take care of your baby that loves and needs you. Good luck and god bless-