Help - Dayton,OH

It sounds like she is acting out. She may need a counselor to help sort through whatever feelings are behind this behavior. I have a girl the same age, and she doesn't act like that. I wouldn't say it is necessarily normal for the age. She needs consistent discipline. Contact the parenting consultants at the Elizabeth Blackwell Center for advice on appropriate discipline. ###-###-####. Blessings to you.

V.,

You didn't say too much about what you've tried already, so this may be old hat to you, but here goes:

I find when I try to concentrate on the things she's doing RIGHT and compliment and praise her often, my four year old actually wants to behave. When I am praising her more than saying "stop" "no" "don't drag your brother around by his feet" I tend to get more good behavior than the bad behavior. It really means changing YOU more than changing your daughter. Try and focus more on the good things she accomplishes and keep the punnishment as angry free as possible and you might start seeing a change.

Hope this helps,
J.

Time outs really do work when used correctly.
They sent her home from school just for scratching a boy??? That seems a bit far. Our preschool use to do a teacher time out, where the student couldn't do anything for four minutes except follow the teacher around the room. Surprisingly this really did work at this particular school.
Time outs at home should be a full four minutes in time out. If she gets up you have to keep putting her back until she is there for four minutes. When the four minutes is up then explain what she did wrong and what she could have done right. Expect her to say she is sorry.
Never let a punishable deed go unpunished. If she breaks a rule it needs to be inforced---at the time she broke it.
With my son, he pushes limits at times, and we have had time outs even in public. We go to the zoo regularly and at least once a summer he's in time out there. I've left full carts at stores and left events that I paid for because he is too out of hand. It's not easy to be the enforcer when your the sole parent but once she knows the rules and knows she has to follow them your time together will be much more enjoyable! Best of Luck!

Here's some ideas. Please take her to child psychologist. You mentioned that the school sent her home, so ask for a specialist there first. Sending her home is NOT the solution here.

Look, I am no MD but have her tested for Attention Deficit disorder. Also, have her hearing tested. Follow the advice given. One therapeutic thing that builds attention is playing games, especially the matching card games. I know, I went through this. Turn the TV OFF and put the spotlight on you and her together.

I realize that being a single parent is tuff and you have to do everything. Have her help you around the house, so she can concentrate on you and what you are doing. Good Luck.

You're getting some good advice, so I'll just say that this is exactly why I tell other mothers who have out of control toddlers that they need to get control of that child before they begin being even more defiant and not caring so much about discipline. If you allow your toddler to get into everything, and are too afraid or lazy to say no or give spankings, it will only get worse, and you will have less and less control because the child TAKES more and more control. If you have anymore children, just remember to start early and you won't have disciplinary issues when they're 4 and older. I started spanking and disciplining as soon as my kids started getting around on their own and needed to learn right from wrong, and my kids would never ever do the things that some women talk about having trouble with their child doing. When my kids decided to bite, I bit them back and they never did it again, but that was at like 2 years old. I can't imagine starting now, at ages 5 and 6, especially with girls. They're definitely dramatic and more "adult like" than boys, so feel that they should have a lot more control than they actually have. My daughter and I struggle on a daily basis, but if I didn't have that underlying demand of respect and obedience, I can't even imagine how escalated the situations would be. Even though she argues with me a lot, I have the authority to stop the dialogue and tell her that it's not negotiable, and she will stop. If I didn't have that in our house, she would never stop trying to get her way. Trust me, try your hardest to get control now, because 1st grade girls are very very very dramatic, so it will only get much much worse.....

Dear V.,

You are probably just telling her in a voice that isn't a command voice and there have been no physical consequences for not obeying. Spanking is out of favor but it does work. Also effective is using the ear as a lever. It can't be used in anger but it does work. On the radio they advertise a James Lehman (www.TheTotalTransformation.com) program. You might check into it.

If you don't get this under control now it will be a real problem as she gets older.

God Bless,

S.

Punishment is the only way to deter bad behavior. Otherwise, the child will do whatever they want and know nothing will happen to them. Tell her how it will be, then stick to it NO MATTER WHAT, even if there is a special birthday party she is supposed to attend.
If you tell her, pick up your toys, you show her how and offer to help, and she still won't do it; stand her in the corner for at least an hour. (you can start with half hour and increase time each time she misbehaves) Even if you have to stay there behind her and hold her there. Don't give in. A swat on the bottom is a good way to get her attention- not as a punishment. Do not lose your temper or act put out. Just sit there, maybe have a magazine handy that you can look at while you are keeping her there. Or make her stay in her room with door closed- you may have to sit outside her door to keep her there.
After several of these "time outs" she will be much more cooperative. But if she ever acts up when you are with her, just take her home and give her the punishment. Remind her ahead of time that she will get time out if she misbehaves.

sounds like there is other problems contributing to this like home family problems.or not enough discipline as a younger child.give her time out or take something away she really cares for.no more than 5 min for time out attention span isnt greatest at that age

My daughter just turned 4 and she is just the same!!! It's like she transformed when she became 4! The time outs don't work, taking away the toys doesn't work, it's just crazy! Fortunately, we went through the same thing with our 6 year old when he was 4. Just keep repeating your discipline techniques. This is a stage in which she is transitioning from being the "baby" to a big girl...they don't really want to give up the attention but at the same time they want to be independent. At the same time they can't foresee consequences for their actions and are learning how to control their emotions. So just hold on for a little bit longer! Soon she will be your sweet little grl again!!!

I didn't take time to read other responses... sorry if I duplicate others.

You HAVE to decide that you are in charge and the parent figure who KNOWs best. If you don't make her listen NOW, it will be much harder to accomplish when she is 6 or 16 or 19.

I know, I know, "How do I do that?" When you tell her something, MEAN IT. Make sure you have her attention first then expect her to do what is said. Have a talk with her first and say thingslike... things are going to be different from now on... You have to help me out... We are in this together... I will take away_____ (something you think she couldn't live without) if you don't do what you are told.

If you have never watched "Super Nanny", watch it a few times - she has good suggestions. I remember when our son watched it with us when he was about 3 or 4. He always was very attentive. There was one time that he said "I don't want to watch Super Nanny"... I think he KNEW it was right to obey and that that show gave us good ideas for discipline - which he didn't want.

Even though kids think they don't want to be disciplined, they need it... and they do NEED it. Think back to your childhood. Did you want to be told what to do? NO... no one does. But aren't you glad that you were disciplined?

You are her parent and role model. You have a job to raise her right and raise her so that she will raise her children better than you have raised her. AND I AM NOT saying that you didn't do a good job so far. You are a great parent or you wouldn't have asked that question. There are many great books out there... one is "You're a Better Parent Than You Think" by Dr. Ray Guarendi. He is excellent - we have heard him speak at least 8-9 times!

Please keep in touch if you have any more questions... I love to try to help others.

The thing I am most proud of in being a parent? Raising Christian children... it is so nice as they grow to not need to worry like I would have if I didn't raise them in the church and KNOW that my girls have in their heads and hearts to NOT have sex outside of marriage! Our 6 year old isn't there yet... but I feel very strongly that he will be within the next 5-6 years!

R.

What are the consequences to this behavior? Just telling her, "DON'T DO THAT!" or "THAT'S NOT NICE" isn't going to cut it. THEY NEED TO LEARN NOW that there ARE consequences to bad behavior and bad choices.

Talk about alternatives. HOw could it have been handled differently? How does the child feel about themself when they act inappropriately? How do they feel when they respond correctly? How do they feel when they observe someone behaving badly? etc.

Talk about consequences and stick to them. If you don't, you are then just a push over and they won't respect you. Respect is EARNED. If you follow thru with what you say and set boundaries and guidelines and stick to them......as much as they don't like them..........too bad. That's your job as a parent. In the long run, they will thank you.

Hi V.,
I have a four year boy who is sometimes a bit of a handful. I have realized that routine works best. If I stick to routine it helps with him listening to me. As for him with school and other behavior I have set up a reward system. If he has a good day then we praise him alot and he recieves a sticker on his chart for that day. At the end of the week when the chart has five or more stickers he gets a small treat. I say small because it is something like going to the park, a toy from the dollar toy, borrowing a book/movie from the library, or doing arts and crafts with me. I try to do free or extremely cheap treats, got to stay on that budget. I also discuss what the prize will be at the beginning of the week so that he knows what he is working for. The number one thing I do is stick to what I say (NOW) it took time to work it out. I watched on the Nanny show that if you follow through with what you say you develop a trust bond with your child. So I really try to follow through with what I say, even the disipline areas. If he doesn't earn his stickers then he does not recieve his treat and I make this clear without getting angry. We try not to make a big deal about the negative and scream out for the good behavior...LOL. Well I hope I could help. Good Luck! Stick with it, it will get easier to deal. I have a 10 year old and already did this once.
Good Luck, J.

V.,

Try telling her what you want her to do instead of what you want her to stop doing, she may be better able to comply. If you think this is just willful behavior, then the answer is complete consistancy with what ever form of dicipline you choose. I would also consider that her thinking is still in the concrete stage, and to her, "listen" means "hear" not do what you said. If you are not using concrete language with her, you might consider a switch to see if this helps her as well.

However, if you are already consistent with her with a form of dicipline, and it is not working no matter how often you apply it, and because you mentioned that she is just as difficult with other people as she is with you (generlly the little darlings save the bad stuff for us because we are safe) then you might conisder a developmental evaluation.

That your preschool sent her home for a scratch suggests to me that you should probably look deeper into what they are not telling you. Most pre schools deal with this kind of issue frequently without sending children home, they use it as a teachable moment, notify both parents and move on. That they did not think this was teachable concerns me.

Developmental Pediatricians are the best choice at this age, you can find them at your nearest children's hospital. It may take several months to get in, but if you need this evaluation, it is worth the wait.

M.

Before trying too much, try to figure out why this is happening. Was the dentist out of fear? Does the problem with the little boy happen often or just with him? Talk to her teacher and see how they handle things.

With my daughter (now 3 and a half), I know I had a hard time because dad hadn't treated me well and she felt she could do the same. It has taken a lot of time for us to work together. I have played on her independence. She wants to do everything on her own so my words end up being "Either you do it or I will" which works for most things. "Please put your coat on or I will do it for you." Choices work as well; "Whould you like to zip your coat or do you want me to do it for you?" Only offer two choices and be prepared to follow through with either choice you give her.

At school, we tend to point out the action or behavior in three steps: point out the behavior, restate the behavior and remind the rule, restate the behavior and the rule and tell them to sit down and think about why we have this rule. We do have a conversation with the child before return to the group.

Be consistent and know you are doing the right thing! Speak with confidence and not anger. Good Luck!