Help - Hudson, WI

I am so terribly sorry...I am a mother of a 2 year old and step mother to 3 children ages 19, 16, and 14. My step children lost their mother when they were ages 2, 5, and 7. My husband struggled with the same thing you are going through...to make matters worse, their mother died when they were present and on the 5 year old's birthday. My husband brought the kids to counseling and found it incredibly helpful, especially because he was struggling so much with the loss of his wife and wasn't in a good place to be objective when helping the kids cope. Through counseling he was also given the names of many books that helped the kids understand and cope. I hope you are able to get the help you need...good luck and God Bless...

K.

Well, I can't say that I have any experience in this department. I had a hard time telling my 5 yr. old that his dog died, let alone a parent.
I guess I would sit her down and have a mom/daughter heart to heart. I would go the Daddy is in heaven with Jesus route and explain to her that he will always be with her in her heart, but that he will be staying with Jesus up in Heaven.
Like I said, I have not had experience with such a loss, but I hope this helps even a little.
Good luck and I am sorry for your loss.
GOd Bless you and your daughter.

My husband too grew up in a funeral home. The best way is to just be matter of fact and honest like Sara said. 4 year olds understand more than you think they do. We took my 4 yr old and 2 year old to the cemetery to "visit" my grandparents w/ my mom. We explained to my 4 yr old that the (marker) was for grandma's mommy and daddy and they were in heaven with mommy's daddy because they had died. He seemed to understand this.

In fact, when we first drove in my son said, "Oh, this is the dying place." So he kind of already knew.

I feel for you having to tell her--not an easy thing to do. Hope this helps.

You could try explaining to her that daddy had to go to heaven. That is what I did with my daughter when our pets passed away. Then if she asks questions you can answer them as truthfully as possible. I started out saying do you know where heaven is to my daughter and I explained to her kind of what it was. Hope that helps.

J., I'm sorry for what you and your daughter are going through. My own dad died in a car accident almost 3 yrs ago and he was like a dad to my kids who were 7 & 3 1/2. I know how hard it is--sometimes when you tell them (be honest but not too detailed) they react right away. There will be questions repeated over & over for years. My younger one didn't really get it until over a year later. They both came to the funeral and got to do special things for their Papa (special papa teddy bear to hug & his picture to carry with them, we made a CD of his favorite songs & played it at the wake and listened to it alot the first year)...my daughter actually wanted to talk at the funeral & we let her which helped her cope alot. They still have tough times and times they can't sleep, but we talk about him alot and remember him in silly ways, too(sparklers/fireworks, funny stories, looking at pictures). If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to email me (____@____.com). Sometimes it helps to just talk to another parent who's dealing with a loss with their child. I know it would've made my life alot easier had I known someone. Just remember you're not alone, and make sure your daughter knows that, too. Don't be too surprised if she's super clingy to you and afraid to let you leave her at first (fear of losing someone else still sneaks up on both my kids). You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.
H.

Has she seen Lion KIng? I found that the movie offered some points to add what your family believes and in a way they can understand. Counceling would not hurt if you can afford it.

Remember that permanance is not something children can developmentally understand until more like 7 years old so don't be freaked out if your daughter doesn't really "get it" that this is a forever kind of thing. She may say something like, "I'll see my Daddy next week" or "when is my daddy coming back". Totally normal.

Children at this age also can use fantasy play to understand new concepts - even death. Don't dissuade her from playing "funeral" or asking LOTS and LOTS of questions about death. They haven't had all the social stigma attached to the concept yet so, for them, it is just like asking about anything else.

Good luck.

When my daughter's two Grandpa's died we said that papa won't be able to see her anymore and she asked us why? I told her that he's seeing the stars and that she'll be able to hopefully see him someday. I've told her that they are with God because he needed them. We cut balloons when we have some and we tell her that those are for Papa. You may want to speak with a counselor or a church if you are associate with a religious group.

This is difficult for both you and her. Was it sudden or expected? Has she dealt with the death of a pet, or another person? All those will play a factor in it. And no matter how you tell her, she will still not fully grasp it until later in life.
My mother died when I was 7. She was sick my whole life, so I knew it was going to happen. I had gone to a funeral of a grandparent when I was 4 and one of our cats had died, and I had helped my mother bury it. And still, given all that, it finally hit me when I was 12.
Make a memory book. Have pictures of him. Answer her questions as she asks them. She is looking at you for what to do. Good luck, and I am sorry for your loss.