L.L. asks from Maywood, IL on July 07, 2008
Help - Maywood, IL
What should i do about my childs father we should have been married already but he decided he wasn't ready for it. We have not been together for two years and i have changed my life around since that time and i have not been with any man because i know it's against god's word. Recently we have been talking about marriage he brought it up and i told him that if we was going to work towards that he can move in other than that he couldn't spend nights when he wanted to because something would happen that shouldn't. Before i really stopped him something did happen and now again i am pregnant it's wrong and i don't want to continue in this because i made a bad mistake now i have another child on the way i feel like i disappointed god because i came so far and now this. He said we where going to get married and now i feel like it's a need to because i don't want to bring another baby here out of wedlock. And i feel bad because all the young people that watched me and saw the god in me what will that think. But, now even more he is back on this thing again he don't know what he want to do. I want to just go away with my children because i feel so bad i am not going to aboard my baby thats not an option what should i do?
So What Happened?™
Now this is the first time i eveer posted anything i didn't want to ask advice from people i knew base on the response i knew i would get back. I wanted to clear a few things i was not with this man for two years not that he had me holding on it was my chose when i chose to live like christ. I was not with any man at this time, i fell in depression the day we made a baby it was once. That's all it takes and boom i found out i was having a baby.after that he had been talking marriage before this i felt really bad i had disapointed god. I let him move in because we was soppose to get married later he decides again that he wasn't ready so we cant live like that i told him he had till the end of the month to go. Will he was still there i miscarried (god's will) and i had to let him go because there where things i saw as in him not being responsible in not taking care of our son needs. Now i do need to get support for my son. And i have moved on it was all for a reason i feel like i have a new start i was very hurt about my child but i wasn't ready for another one and i asked god to let his will be done. I have to believe it was. Althought i do love the man i love god more and he said if i love him i will keep his comandments and those i have bedded in my heart (thanks)
J.S. answers from Chicago on July 07, 2008
Move on with your life for just you and your kids. Why would he want to get married when he doesn't need to? If you move in together, it's most likely not going to happen in spite of what he says. Think of yourself and your kids first,do what's best for yourself and your kids first, maybe he'll figure it out someday, hopefully, but maybe not. Focus on you, you be the boss in this, you tell him what's up and what you want to happen, if he doesn't like it, then move on. Sounds like you're strong in your faith,go with that and be strong with yourself. You can't just get rid of him, he is always going to be a part of your life, he is the father of your children BUT you can decide how you want your relationship to be. We have the choice of the type of person we want to be with, we are strong women and we do not need to sit around and wait, we make our own choices. You have gotten two children from the relationship, that's pretty special. I'm sure it's hard but do what's best and be strong. Relationships are not easy and we all make mistakes, it's what we do with them that counts. Do we keep making the same mistake over and over? Or do we learn and move on? My mom always says, "the only mistakes we make are those that we do not learn from." Be strong and God Bless. Try to stop feeling bad and stand up tall, I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Congratulations on the new baby. :)
1 mom found this helpful
R.R. answers from Chicago on July 08, 2008
The first thing you need to do is stop feeling bad. God wants your love and your obedience, not your guilt. Repent, renew your promise to God and to yourself that you will try your best to walk the walk AND talk the talk, and continue living. The example you set as a Christian is not in the way you stumble, it’s in the way you pick yourself up and get back about the business of living. Don’t worry about being judged by man. Man will continue to see the God in you. And God knows you’re human, because He made you. He knew you in the womb. All he asks is that you forgive yourself because as soon as you repent, He has already forgiven you. If you feel it necessary to address those who you want to be an example for, be honest. Don’t offer excuses. The flesh is sometimes weak, especially in this area. Proverbs 24:16 tells us that a righteous man falls 7 times, but he rises again. It’s time for you to rise.
As far as this man who you say keeps bringing up marriage; man can only do what you allow him to do. If you put yourself in a position where both you and he are likely to be tempted, guess what? It’s probably going to happen, especially because it sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. Dangling the prospect of marriage in front of you is a sure way to get your defenses down, and your underwear, too. Be strong. Stick to your beliefs. It will all work out. Everything happens in accordance with God’s perfect plan. I’ll be praying for you. You stay in prayer, too. And enjoy your pregnancy! Babies are a gift.
S.H. answers from Chicago on July 13, 2008
I am sorry that you are so distressed. I have a couple of ideas that might help. If you have a minister or Christian counselor that you feel you can talk to, I would do that. I am Catholic and many people don't understand the part of our faith that deals with what we used to call Confession but now call Reconciliation, but I have used it many times to talk with a priest when I was really bothered by something. He would ask what the problem was, we talked about it, prayed about it, etc. It has always helped me tremendously. I don't think that God is an evil punishing God. Talk with someone with whom you can talk and pray.
R.V. answers from Chicago on July 07, 2008
Congratulations! The only way to disappoint God is to treat this baby as a burden or mistake. Don't forget, He gave you the baby because He knew you could handle this. You need to explain your fears and beliefs to your baby's father. If he does not marry you, then he is not the man for you. You need to let him know that he needs to marry you before this baby is born. If he won't do this for you after you've carried two of his children he is scum and God will deal with him in His own time. Do not let him near you again if he doesn't man up. He will just keep doing the same thing over and over. Good luck hon. Let me know if you need to talk.
D.C. answers from Chicago on July 08, 2008
I am not really sure what to say but I wanted you to know that regardless of your situation, you are still a child of God.
We all sin- and that is the beauty of the love of the Father- He takes us back especially when we least deserve it.
I know you are concerned b/c of what others will think of you and what has happened but the real lesson will be how you lean on your faith during this time. I think if you stay true to your faith and who you are, you will be a good example to others.
I saw this on a church bulletin board and it has always stuck with me . . . "Church is not a museum for the saints, it is a hospital for the broken."
Aren't we blessed to have a loving God who can help us to get "healthy" again?
Keep your head up, girl. I know everything looks grim right now but this too shall pass.
S.S. answers from Chicago on July 08, 2008
Rolanda while I have two children from a first marriage, I wasn't able to have any with my husband now of thirteen years.I guess I'm still not to terms with it. I thought it would be easy and have spent many a night crying. It is hard to raise childen with or without a spouse,but I envy you-even though it doesn't feel like the right time it is. God gave you this baby. There are no accidents. Perhaps there is nothing you should do about the man who fathered this child. He has his own conscience to live with. The other women are giving wonderful advise. Nowadays we aren't walking around in shame but people are helping and celebrating births of babies. May yours become another joy in your life. You sound like a good mama. What a gift from God!You did do fine. And you will. What a nice lady you sound like.S.
L.D. answers from Chicago on July 10, 2008
Although your faith in God is admirable you need to remember that God also forgives us for our mistakes. Give your children's father time to make his decision you don't want to force him into something that he may later feel regret and blame you or hurt you or your children, if he decides to marry you let it be for the right reason not because he felt pressured. There is no such thing as a perfect life we all make mistakes and regardless of how many or how bad our mistakes turn out to be God always forgives. We are so hard on ourselves and punish ourselves more than we should, stop punishing yourself or your kids for something God has already forgiven you for. Be happy that God has blessed you with children, my husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, although we were blessed with 1 child unfortunately God needed my little angel with him and my son died 5 hours after being born, cherish your gift, you have what others want. Don't let other people's opinion of you or your situation force you into something that you may not be ready for. God Bless you and your children, be strong, be positive and you will see how things seem to always work there way out.
S.P. answers from Chicago on July 08, 2008
I'm so sorry for the confusion you're having. You were on a strong track, and now you feel like you're taking a big detour. It sounds like your boyfriend might not ever be able to be a man and support his children and you. So you need to follow your heart and do the wisest thing for yourself and your child. You sound like a smart and responsible woman, so it's time to forgive yourself and put your energy into your future.
I don't know if you've considered placing this second child for adoption, but there are hundreds of parents out there who are praying for a baby to adopt and love. If you need more information on this, email me and I can give you many resources. (I adopted my 4 1/2 year old daughter--we have an open adoption and are very close with her birthmom.)
Hugs to you,