Help - Maywood, IL

Move on with your life for just you and your kids. Why would he want to get married when he doesn't need to? If you move in together, it's most likely not going to happen in spite of what he says. Think of yourself and your kids first,do what's best for yourself and your kids first, maybe he'll figure it out someday, hopefully, but maybe not. Focus on you, you be the boss in this, you tell him what's up and what you want to happen, if he doesn't like it, then move on. Sounds like you're strong in your faith,go with that and be strong with yourself. You can't just get rid of him, he is always going to be a part of your life, he is the father of your children BUT you can decide how you want your relationship to be. We have the choice of the type of person we want to be with, we are strong women and we do not need to sit around and wait, we make our own choices. You have gotten two children from the relationship, that's pretty special. I'm sure it's hard but do what's best and be strong. Relationships are not easy and we all make mistakes, it's what we do with them that counts. Do we keep making the same mistake over and over? Or do we learn and move on? My mom always says, "the only mistakes we make are those that we do not learn from." Be strong and God Bless. Try to stop feeling bad and stand up tall, I have a feeling you are a lot stronger than you think you are. Congratulations on the new baby. :)

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Rolonda--

The first thing you need to do is stop feeling bad. God wants your love and your obedience, not your guilt. Repent, renew your promise to God and to yourself that you will try your best to walk the walk AND talk the talk, and continue living. The example you set as a Christian is not in the way you stumble, it’s in the way you pick yourself up and get back about the business of living. Don’t worry about being judged by man. Man will continue to see the God in you. And God knows you’re human, because He made you. He knew you in the womb. All he asks is that you forgive yourself because as soon as you repent, He has already forgiven you. If you feel it necessary to address those who you want to be an example for, be honest. Don’t offer excuses. The flesh is sometimes weak, especially in this area. Proverbs 24:16 tells us that a righteous man falls 7 times, but he rises again. It’s time for you to rise.

As far as this man who you say keeps bringing up marriage; man can only do what you allow him to do. If you put yourself in a position where both you and he are likely to be tempted, guess what? It’s probably going to happen, especially because it sounds like he knows how to push your buttons. Dangling the prospect of marriage in front of you is a sure way to get your defenses down, and your underwear, too. Be strong. Stick to your beliefs. It will all work out. Everything happens in accordance with God’s perfect plan. I’ll be praying for you. You stay in prayer, too. And enjoy your pregnancy! Babies are a gift.

Dear Rolanda,
I am sorry that you are so distressed. I have a couple of ideas that might help. If you have a minister or Christian counselor that you feel you can talk to, I would do that. I am Catholic and many people don't understand the part of our faith that deals with what we used to call Confession but now call Reconciliation, but I have used it many times to talk with a priest when I was really bothered by something. He would ask what the problem was, we talked about it, prayed about it, etc. It has always helped me tremendously. I don't think that God is an evil punishing God. Talk with someone with whom you can talk and pray.
Good luck.
S.

Congratulations! The only way to disappoint God is to treat this baby as a burden or mistake. Don't forget, He gave you the baby because He knew you could handle this. You need to explain your fears and beliefs to your baby's father. If he does not marry you, then he is not the man for you. You need to let him know that he needs to marry you before this baby is born. If he won't do this for you after you've carried two of his children he is scum and God will deal with him in His own time. Do not let him near you again if he doesn't man up. He will just keep doing the same thing over and over. Good luck hon. Let me know if you need to talk.

Hi Rolanda~
I am not really sure what to say but I wanted you to know that regardless of your situation, you are still a child of God.
We all sin- and that is the beauty of the love of the Father- He takes us back especially when we least deserve it.
I know you are concerned b/c of what others will think of you and what has happened but the real lesson will be how you lean on your faith during this time. I think if you stay true to your faith and who you are, you will be a good example to others.
I saw this on a church bulletin board and it has always stuck with me . . . "Church is not a museum for the saints, it is a hospital for the broken."
Aren't we blessed to have a loving God who can help us to get "healthy" again?
Keep your head up, girl. I know everything looks grim right now but this too shall pass.
Blessings,
D.

Rolanda while I have two children from a first marriage, I wasn't able to have any with my husband now of thirteen years.I guess I'm still not to terms with it. I thought it would be easy and have spent many a night crying. It is hard to raise childen with or without a spouse,but I envy you-even though it doesn't feel like the right time it is. God gave you this baby. There are no accidents. Perhaps there is nothing you should do about the man who fathered this child. He has his own conscience to live with. The other women are giving wonderful advise. Nowadays we aren't walking around in shame but people are helping and celebrating births of babies. May yours become another joy in your life. You sound like a good mama. What a gift from God!You did do fine. And you will. What a nice lady you sound like.S.

Although your faith in God is admirable you need to remember that God also forgives us for our mistakes. Give your children's father time to make his decision you don't want to force him into something that he may later feel regret and blame you or hurt you or your children, if he decides to marry you let it be for the right reason not because he felt pressured. There is no such thing as a perfect life we all make mistakes and regardless of how many or how bad our mistakes turn out to be God always forgives. We are so hard on ourselves and punish ourselves more than we should, stop punishing yourself or your kids for something God has already forgiven you for. Be happy that God has blessed you with children, my husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, although we were blessed with 1 child unfortunately God needed my little angel with him and my son died 5 hours after being born, cherish your gift, you have what others want. Don't let other people's opinion of you or your situation force you into something that you may not be ready for. God Bless you and your children, be strong, be positive and you will see how things seem to always work there way out.

Rolanda,

I'm so sorry for the confusion you're having. You were on a strong track, and now you feel like you're taking a big detour. It sounds like your boyfriend might not ever be able to be a man and support his children and you. So you need to follow your heart and do the wisest thing for yourself and your child. You sound like a smart and responsible woman, so it's time to forgive yourself and put your energy into your future.

I don't know if you've considered placing this second child for adoption, but there are hundreds of parents out there who are praying for a baby to adopt and love. If you need more information on this, email me and I can give you many resources. (I adopted my 4 1/2 year old daughter--we have an open adoption and are very close with her birthmom.)

Hugs to you,

S.

Rolanda,

First of all...don't be so hard on yourself! God loves you unconditionally. Do you think anybody in this world is perfect? We all make mistakes every day and if anyone is going to sit back and judge you they're not worth your time or worry. Doesn't the Bible also say we are not to judge? Listen, I believe you need to focus on your beautiful children and don't worry about their father. Focus on loving them and raising them to be strong, confident children. Don't keep focusing on your mistakes. God forgives you - now you need to forgive yourself. I'm sorry the father of your children is being so irresponsible. I personally don't think you should give him an option of living with you until you're married. He seems to be taking advantage of that whole idea. I would be worried that if he did finally marry you - would he stick around? Sounds like he has commitment issues. You need to remind yourself of your worth and then set your standards higher for a man who will treat you right! In the meantime...enjoy your children. Focus on them - don't worry about anything else. I have a book that really helped me and changed some things. It's The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. She also wrote The Power of a Praying Mom and others. You'd be amazed how well it works. Read it if you get a chance. It helps to put things in perspective and helps you to worry less. I hope everything works out for you.

ok - i'm going to be blunt here. Let's leave God and morality out of this and think about what is best for you and your children. First of all, birth control - (duh) USE IT. Secondly, does this man have the qualities you would want in a husband? Doesn't sound like it to me. He is your children's father and there's nothing you can do to change that. Make him take responsibility. Is he supporting your children. If he were any kind of a decent man he would be supporting his children whether there is a court order for child support or not. Then you have to decide if you are in love with him and IF HE IS WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE. Maybe when some of the legal iissues have been addressed and you have enough to live on you won't be so desperate to marry him just because he fathered your children. I'm sorry I have so little sympathy for your situation but it seems from your post that YOU are not in charge of your life. You're a mother now and it's time to step up to the plate and be in charge of your own decisions.

Dear Rolanda,

Thank you for sharing. This must be a difficult situation for you. First, remember that while God is a holy God, he is also a loving and forgiving father. You are clearly sorry for the mistakes you have made and God has said that he will forgive us all of our sins when we confess them.

Second, I think it is important that you only marry your children's father if you both love each other and are prepared to be committed to each other for all of your lives. Getting married will not "fix" past mistakes and if that is the only reason for the marriage, I worry that you may have a very difficult marriage.

I pray that God will give you wisdom as you make this difficult decision and that God will guide all of your paths, providing all of your needs according to his riches in glory.

rolanda everyone stumbles, and thankfully you are going to be blessed with another child, as hard as it is for you to think of what other think, as a christian myself i love you and can't judge you. this is probaly the time to speak to someone you trust at your church or your pastor. and let them know how you are struggling, and ask what they can do to help you. and let this man know he can't continue to string you along and place sin in your relationship with christ. because by continuing to string you along he is angering god. because i can tell in your letter that you love god and are trying to obey and this man bring temptation and sin into your life. and anything that comes between you and god is sin. and needs to be cut out of your life. you are in my prayers and i pray that as God usually does, he will make a miracle of your situation. please feel free to e-mail me at any time ____@____.com
god bless you!

Many churches have counseling. If you are comfortable with your pastor, you might want to ask. I wouldn't worry too much about what others think. Most of the time people are too busy in their own lives to really focus all that much on yours. Also, god gives life and so you now have two gifts from God to cherish and love and probably the best thing you can do for them and yourself is to love yourself as god does, to forgive yourself as god does and to move on to live the best life you can. Work out what is best for you and your children. You shouldn't marry someone who is unsure. Clearly, your boyfriend will in some way be involved as he is father to two children but you need to work out what YOU need and then build the live for your family yourself. For the sake of your children, you should make sure that you are getting the right amount of child support if marriage is not the course you take. But take it one day at a time and think through what is important to you. Children are such a blessing and they need their mom to be kind to them and kind to herself. Good Luck.