Help! 3 1/2 Year Old Lacks Common Sense

Hi you already got some good responses, so I won't go into it too much... There is just a couple things I wanted to comment on.. My daughter is the same way (4.5 yrs old),its the age.
BUT, your daughter changing her panties is the one that I don't understand much. At 3.5 yrs old, I assume you're still giving her a bath daily, so there shouldn't be an option of HER forgetting to change her panties. That should be something that happens when you take a bath. As you run the water encourage her to go pick out her new/clean panties herself.. The old ones should be straight to the dirty laundry and these things you should be helping her with anyway. And for wiping poo, she is only 3.5 yr old - she should not be expected to do that well. My daughter is 4.5 yrs old and I am still working on that with her. Even if she wipes herself, I do the "final inspection" to make sure she did it well.
Good Luck :)

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I think you're expectations are really high for a 3 1/2 year old. Remember all kids are different and mature at different rates. She'll get all the things you mentioned by the time she starts school, just don't be hard on her and continue to incourage her every day. Good luck!

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Hi V., welcome to the right-brained child! As I have several and they are all different, you need to figure out what works for her. She is probably highly creative, memorizes movies and books, along with songs. Very messy and scatter-brained? Yep, definately right-brained. Instilling common sense or logic will take until she's 18. It's better if you figure out how to go with the flow and not sweat the small stuff! I have a son, who is the MOST right-brained of all of our children, who is approaching 18. He does frustrate me at times because of the lack of logic, you know, highly intelligent, but gets nominal grades at best? This year, being his senior, is very interesting to say the least. Thank God we found a performing arts school for him to attend. Yes, when he was little, they tried to label him ADD or ADHD. Turns out he was EXTREMELY bored!All of our children are either both or more right-brained. We have some very creative souls in our family. Left-brained is the norm, and most people don't know how or are unwilling to deal with those who aren't. You need to be the safe haven and champion. I learned to be like a willow tree. A willow will bend and sway in the wind and therefore, it doesn't break as easily in the wind, like the other trees do. I played advocate in schools for many years and even homeschooled for 2 years. I'm always available for advice if you choose to take it. Hopefully this helps. Please don't try to stifle her, you'll end up with major problems when she hits her teens. She needs to know that it is o.k. to be her. I know that is my son's biggest frustration. People who try to fit him into a box! He doesn't and won't ever fit a "box". We all have ideals about how someone should be, behave, etc. You have to throw that away or have a very discordant life. By all means, teach logic and common sense. Set boundaries and stick to them. Ask yourself, will this matter in 5 years? If it will, it's important, if not, let it go! I hope this helps you, even in a small way. L. S.

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V.,

Sounds like your daughter is doing great! I have 5 sons and even in Kindergarten they were still putting their shoes on the wrong feet! One trick we learned to help is to draw smiley faces in permanent marker on the insides of the shoes and tell them when they put the shoes on the faces need to be looking at each other.

But hey at least she is doing it by herself! You would be amazed at the amount of kids in my sons Y-5 class that couldn't even do that at the beginning of the year.

I still have to tell my boys to put clean underwear on every day and one of them is 10! They act like "why? I just took a shower and changed them 3 days ago...." Clean undies every day? What demanding parents we are! LOL

In my experience with my oldest 2 boys, one struggled in school, but had extraordinary common sense, was responsible, could figure things out very quickly. Very dependable boy, and hard worker.

The other is just breezing through school, he gets all A's really without even trying, but you have to tell him to do something over and over and over again. You can't even depend on him to give his teacher a note, even if you hand it to him right before he walks into school and tell him to do it first thing. Chances are 50/50 that the teacher will get it. He gets distracted so easily! He picks up things very quickly, but only if he wants to, if you know what I mean. He needs to be motivated or really puts forth little effort in some things.

I guess my point is that all kids are different and they all have strengths and weaknesses. I think your daughter sounds vey normal, and rather advanced in some areas. Try not to put too much pressure on her or she may rebel in small ways, just enough to annoy you, and they do know when they do things that bother us! Good Luck.

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Hi V., It sounds perfectly normal to me. It is just what I am going through with my daughter. You can try a reward system, but it is only marginally helpful to us. I will be interested to hear what others have to say. As far as the panties go, I make her change when she takes a bath, and/or when she puts on pj's. She has to stay in her room until she is fully dressed, and then I check to make sure that she has done it. It is so frustrating because you know that they can do it, but really, I have to keep reminding myself that she is only 3 1/2.

For shoes, you can do like the tags in the clothes, put an L on the left shoe and then show her how to make an L with her left thumb and finger. The side that makes an L is the side that the shoe with the L goes on.

As for wiping her bum, you can tell her that it will hurt if she doesn't wipe, or that her but will get sickies, not really working for us. So, I am going to get some of the "KanDo" wipies, they are flushable (i think) and neat for the kids. That's what my sis in law used for her son to get him to wiping, and it worked for her.

Good luck.

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I appreciate your frustration. i have 2 boys and they are the direct opposite. The older is the major overachiever and the younger has a great memory, loves to sing, uses HUGE words etc but is pretty unmotivated. if it doesn't cause him a problem he doesn't care.
We had the shoe issue and finally i honestly just let him wear them backwards. When he would complain about his feet hurting i would let him know to change them. At least your daughter wears underware. My middle son went through a stage where he just didn't wear them

I had to learn that my children were very very different. They got different things at different times, they had different attitudes and needed different ways of parenting. My oldest works well under pressure. He want to "get it" and get it perfect. if you pressure my middle son he gives up.

My suggestion is to back off. She is only 3.5. if she is 7 and having problems then you might need to rethink some things.
She is only 3.5 enjoy this time

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When you have children who set the bar very high, we, as parents, sometimes forget that we are still dealing with very young children. She is only 3 1/2!!!!!!! There are many children who at 3 or 4 years old aren't fully potty trained, couldn't begin to dress themselves and certainly wouldn't remember song lyrics or even be ready for school. I know it's a challenge, but step back for a moment and look around at "average" 3 year olds - my guess is that you would find that overall your daughter is years ahead of most kids her age.
Try to work with her (or supervise from a close distance) when she is going to the bathroom or getting dressed. Step in with gentle reminders and establish routines that will help her remember the proper order. Break tasks down into easy to remember steps, say them outloud and have her repeat them with you and be consistent.
First go potty, then wipe, then flush, then wash hands. Yeah!! Celebrate her when she remembers (not reward with materials, just positive recognition and encouragement) and don't sweat it when she forgets a step. Gently help her remember and repeat the steps together. (Again, she's 3).
She sounds pretty amazing to me, so my advice is relax and enjoy the ride.
All the best....

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My daughter is a little over three years old and although she makes a half hearted attempt at wiping when she pees, my husband and I always wipe for a poop and complete the job when she pees - after talking to several other parents this seems to be quite normal, their kids didn't get the hang of wiping until age 4.5/5 so I shouldn't worry too much. At this age my daughter is only just learning to dress herself and would definitely be quite happy wearing the same clothes over and over - hygene is not something they think about at this age.

I really think that any thoughts of ADHD for these issues is definitely premature especially given the totally normal nature of the issues and the fact that she seems to be doing very well for her age (I wish I only had to tell my daughter twice to do stuff). She may be going through the terrible threes, we were very lucky with the twos but seem to be making up for it with Little Miss Three Year Old With an Attitude.

I too look forward to when my daughter will be able to do these things for herself but she will be independent soon enough and I don't think there is any need to push for independence at this age. Just keep helping and encouraging and see if she is agreeable to letting you wipe her bottom as well, let her try first, then you try, maybe she won't scream so much. Personally I think your daughter is doing very well, I gather from your concern with her changing her panties that she is dry through the night, kudos on that. Just keep praising her for the things she is doing well and encourage her in the other aspects that she is still learning.

Good Luck.

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Hi V. :) I just wanted to weigh in with my opinion on your dilemma... my son is just about 3 1/2 as well and at this stage in his development we don't expect him to put his own shoes on or keep track of changing his undies every day - as his parents at this young age, those things are our responsibility. Every child is different, of course, and perhaps your daughter is more ready for these things due to having an older sister to look up to and emulate. Our little guy (almost 2) definitely does that with his big brother! To answer your two questions, based on what I've read and what I know from raising my son, I would say that it is definitely normal... at 3 1/2, children are very active and are too "busy" to be concerned with the every day common sense issues that us adults are concerned with. As for the last question, my answer would be perserverance - I've learned that your children will "get" things in their own time when they are ready. Perhaps you may want to give her a break with some of the things you expect her to do for a little while and then try again at a later date. That's what we had to do when we attempted to potty train our son. We tried when he was around 2 1/2 and he wasn't ready. We tried again around 3 and he still wasn't ready. We waited a month or so and tried again - still wasn't ready. Now a month or so after that, he's ready! And he's doing great! Don't put too much pressure on your daughter or yourself - this all will work out in the end! I hope I've helped at least a little bit... good luck with everything!

K. :)

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Hi V.!
3 year olds were never known for their common sense! She soooo wants to be like her big sister and independent, but just isn't old enough to do so. Thats where the tantrum comes in when mom & dad set in. Put her dirty clothes in the hamper everynight, or start a reward system for her to put them in there so she won't rewear them. Most kids don't learn right from left for another 1-2 years. She is totally normal! The time when you should start thinking that there is an issue, is when she is old enough to be in school, pre-K or K, and she is not following through on directions and therefore not doing well in school. Then you should consider that it might be a symptom of something like an auditory processing problem. But right now, it sounds like she is a chalenging toddler for you! LOL. Relax, and if you are creative, you will find solutions to her behavior. Good luck!

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My son is two and we have similiar issues with advanced and delay. He can count since age 1 and sing abc's recongnizes words and letters speaks clearly, but for some reason cannot use a spoon correctly, and as far as following instructions not happening. I think mainly if they excell in some areas they will delay in others, and she is still really young to worry about some of those things. so as far as adhd. my neice was adhd. lack of common sense is a very small part. Is she excessivly violent, hyper, destructive, can she have alone time (any at all) now in my neices case she was severe. But these are the signs I would watch for in childhood adhd. if she is not showing any of these signs, but still can't do the things you mentioned at age five then I would worry and have her evaluated. HOpe this helps.

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She is still so young!! Most kids get their shoes on the wrong foot...they have a 50/50 chance of getting it right...for a long time. No worries! Changing her panties, I think is up to you. Doesn't she get a bath in there somewhere within 3 days? Laying out her cloths for her is a great idea to keep up. You could make it part of the bedtime routine for BOTH girls. It sure makes things easier in the morning when you are all trying to get out the door. Wiping her bottom...hmmm..maybe big sister could chat with her about that or you could explain to her that everyone needs help to BE a big girl. If she gets a sore bottom from not wiping well, that is a natural and logical consequence. She will get it, be patient...all little ones learn these things at a different pace. She is just a toddler. No worries!

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your daughte is way too young to know when to change her clothes.

If you set out the clothes for the day- she might be able to put them on. If you le ther pick clothes from the closet dont be surprised if she wears a turtleneck in july !!!

Your expectations are way too high. These are not nrmal things that a 3 or 4 or even some 5 year olds can do.

Maybe yoru older child was advanced.

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Your child seems like a really healthy normal girl. I remember my daughter experiencing some of the same things as a young girl. Try making a game of changing undies. Or maybe get the days of the week...As far as wiping goes I would just tell her that you need to check when she's done. If she screams, she screams...at least she'll be clean and eventually will understand. The not wiping thing is a concern due to possibly getting UTI's but they don't understand that so you just do it anyway. All kids take a while to learn the shoe thing. Sometimes you can help with that too by drawing pictures on the shoes that would make them connect or drawing a shoe templet on a piece of paper. She could step on the paper and if the shape fit then she would have them on the right foot. If the shape doesn't match it's the wrong foot.

Anyway, good luck...but she sounds just fine!

V.,

My son is easily distracted, just a typical boy mind! But we had the same problem with him not wiping after going potty, forgetting to brush his teeth, etc.

I put together a sheet for both bathrooms that shows pictures of what to do with words next to it. Potty, wipe, flush, wash. My husbands best friend even teased him that it was meant for my husband and not my son! LOL! It made a great adult joke when we had visitors, but it helped my son to remember the routine. =)

For the daily things I put together a control journal that has a morning routine, afternoon routine, and evening routine. I used clip art to show what needs to be done before he heads off to school, after he gets home from school, and before bed. He uses his binder every day and it helps him to stay mostly focused and everything is accomplished each day.

We used to have a problem with him changing his underwear, but now we have him change his undies every time he changes clothes. It makes it easier for him to remember to keep clean clothes on his body and the extra laundry isn't too much of a problem.

I hope these suggestions help!

-C..

I have adhd and I DO remember having problems like your dd is having. I STILL have trouble remembering right from left, and I'm 27 yrs old!!!!!

Remeber that she is only 3. She will probably need extra attention and reminders.

HI V.--
Your daughter sounds very much like my 9 year old daughter, who is extremly smart--but forgets the most normal things--(she is in 4th grade and I still have to check her to make sure she has underware on, and she sometimes put clean ones over the dirty ones) when my daughter was little I always noticed she was different, but I thought all kids are different, but as she got older she got extremly frustrating to deal with, wanted to do things herself, but I could not count on her to do it herself, she would loose everything, things had to be her way etc.. when she went into 1st grade we had her evaluated for ADHD per the teachers suggestion--nothing, dr. said she was bored, same thing in 2nd grade teacher wanted her evaluated but this time for autisim. which after 3 doctors, two I did myself after the schools dr, she was dig. PDD-NOS, which to be honest I can not remember exactly what each letter stands for, but over all it puts her in the autistic spectrum, but extremely high functioning.
She is on no meds. but does go to social skills classes and I have attended workshops that teach me how to teach her to do normal things that other kids just learn. She is not to young to be evaluated-talk to your dr. Good luck if you have any questions I would be happy to answer them to the best of my ability.
T.

It sounds like she is like other preschoolers: Just distracted by things going on around her. I would also say that she wants to be 'independent' on herself more.

My son is four and has to be reminded of many things... He also can recite shows, movies and songs as these are 'fun' things.

I recommend being patient and loving and it should be fine.

If you are highly concerned, I recommend checking in with the Pediatrician.

Hi V.,
It sounds like you may need to talk to your pediatrician. I am a speech-language pathologist and it sounds like a possible language issue (not following directions, not following through with some activities). Also, to a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail, so I could be off. Also, I am making a judgment based on very little information. Your pediatrician may recommend a neurological evaluation or may refer you to the local school district for an evaluation.

Something I recommend to parents with similar issues is to pair all verbal commands with some type of visual cue. Even having pictures of activities would be helpful (have a picture of a cartoon character "wiping" near the toilet and that may help jog her memory). I hope everything works out well for you and your family.

K.

When I went through this with my 3 kids...we made step-by-step charts for things. We used pictures when possible. My suggestion would be make a chart for the bathroom. Start with removing necessary clothes to use the potty right up through using the TP and flushing. (I have a girlfriend whose daughter would flush and THEN wipe...that took a while to correct) As for the shoes on the wrong feet and such....we used the little "shoe ornaments" for lack of a better description. They are the little things that hang on the shoe laces closest to the toes. We put a pink one on the left shoe lace and a blue one on the right. She could remember the colors easier than the plain shoe.
Getting her to change undies...I would also consider a chart of steps for getting ready for bed or getting up in the morning..whichever is easier for you to make. Add bath time or brushing teeth or whatever else is logical for the time of day you choose.

This is really not all that different from people like my husband who has to have a list in order to get everything done. He doesn't remember things very easily...so he makes lists constantly to ensure he completes everything he needs to get done. Good Luck.

She sounds like your typical smart, charming ADD or ADHD preschooler, too early to diagnose for sure or to medicate. She needs simple, clear instructions (one thing at a time) and someone to sweetly be sure she changes her underwear, wipes etc. until it becomes ingrained in her. Rewarding/affirming her for responsibility will help. Consistency is essential for these kids or they forget. I'm sure your husband wouldn't remember even if he could. He was probably clueless about this stuff like his daughter! Our family is full of these smart, charming, absent-minded-professor types! My son-in-law locked his kids in the car more than once when they were little, and has a car full of coffee cups, often leaving them on the porch and all over the house. He runs his own successful business and is dynamite when he's focused on things he's passionate about. Otherwise, he may show up somewhere with a preschooler who hasn't got a coat etc. and when you point it out, he says "what?" It has forced his kids to care for their own stuff early on if Dad's in charge. However, our 6 year old granddaughter is always misplacing her soccer gear, schoolwork etc., so here we go again! She's an amazing girl in every other way! My daughter is developing systems all the time to keep her organized.

Good luck!

Good morning V.,
Your description of "lacks common sense" is all too familiar to me. Our 15 year old son demonstrated a very good memory at a young age also. We thought he would do very well in school because of his exceptional abilities. We often heard his teachers describe him as smart but very defiant. The teachers kept telling us he was ADHD and we should consider medication. He was well behaved at home so we refused to medicate him. After several years of counseling we discovered a diagnosis called Aspergers. I went to a conference in GR and just wanted to cry. Everything they described was my son to a tee. We have tried biofeedback with great success. He used Straterra for a year but his funny personality disappeared. He is a successful Freshman now getting good grades. He still has social skill issues, such as lack of eye contact with strangers.
Look into the description and see if it fits your daughters personality. I am open to discussing this further.

At this age, a lot of new foods are being introduced into your daughter's diet. She could be showing signs of a food intollerance or allergy. My middle son would become termpermental after having tomato sauce. You can try eliminating certain foods, one at a time for two weeks to see if there is any improvement. Start with artificial colors. (Remember, these additives are used in far more products today than they were when your husband was that age.)They are the worst culprit for causing ADD symptoms. And PLEASE check out www.feingod.org before even considering medicating your precious child.

My 15 year old son can't remember to change his underwear -My 7 year old wears the same pajamas until I change them for her :)

I would lay out clothes for her and her sister then she can see she is like her! There is no way a 3 year old can remmeber that stuff.... MY 7 year old had her shoes on backwards just last month!

I think you are right in the title, but we tend to forget that what we, as adults, know to be important...our kids don't know. Sure, it makes perfect sense to change your underwear everyday, but to a kid, there are far too many fun things to worry about and until they happen upon a classmate later in life who has REAL hygiene issues, they won't get it. That said, of course ADHD could be an issue, but I doubt it has anything to do with this.

The only thing I can think of is to try to give her reminders that don't make her feel like she is being reminded. Of course, saying that is different than actually thinking of any...LOL...but the moms on here are pretty creative, you'll get tons of great advice.

~L.