S.D. asks from Harrisburg, PA on October 12, 2010
HELP! 13 Yr Old Duaghter Too Serious About Her Boyfriend, and I Am SO Confused..
I let my daughter have a so called boyfriend, what could it hurt in this situation, he goes to another school, and they hardly ever see each other. They would write each other letter via snail mail, talk on the phone here and there, and via facebook (I HATE Facebook)and they have only ever seen each other 2 times, once when I let her go to the movies with him, and I was there too, and just a few days ago for his birthday we took him out to eat, and went back to his house where we talked with his parents, and let the kids run around in the front yard, along with my other daughter who is 4, oh and their family dog. The did run in the back yard, to look at his clubhouse his Dad is building him, and jump on the trampoline, but again her little sister was with her, and says most of what she sees. It was all was pretty innocent, until I read a message she had sent via Facebook (I HATE facebook...did I say that already?) and it said something like this...Tonight was beast (hate that line too) I wish my little sister wasn't there, and my Mom too...see I told you, you would get a boner. I think I wanted to puke. Was it just him being near her, did they bump into each other while jumping, or was it that first kiss quick while we were leaving? I just do not know... There was not time for them to do anything, and her sister was right there...I DON'T want my daughter to be "one of those girls" Do I cut her off? Do I get rid of all the electronics here? Do I send her to a therapist? I know kids will be kids, and she will find ways, I just do not want her acting like that. I am so confused right now, and I NEED some insight. I know you can play it tough, I know you can be easy...I just want to be in the middle. I wish I could go back in time, I feel like things are getting out of control, and it's not even that bad, it could be much worse...I've seen it & heard it. My daughter is a sweet girl, and a smart girl, and a little too mature for her age . thanks for reading.
So What Happened?™
OK...thank you for all the stuff you are sending. I al not over reacting to this...there are MANY other things that hit me all at once here. School called today, and said they intercepted a notebook with things in it like why am I here, no one wants me...I'm in a hole and going to die here, she is being really dramatic for attention (of which she gets a lot of) She does not have a hard life in the least, she has been acting VERY selfish, and a huge self entitlement issues, she's been manipulating people for years, and at this age, older people are "getting it" and it can't happen as much at home or otherwise, so that in a nutshell is her hole that she can't get out of...it's no longer fun to try and deceive. The school also said that she is not eating her lunch, they had to clean out her locker cause of the smell...I found sandwiches with expensive stuff SHE had me buy, uneaten...they say that she is too busy socializing etc...but she goes 6-9 hours without eating anything real, and then goes to field hockey practice and games that are 3 hours of playing etc....not good for a body. In this confiscated notebook, it has stuff like, yeah, I drink and someone gave me a smoke and I smoked in the bathroom...I never smelled smoke on her...I know the smell...I used to smoke a LONG time ago...My booze is not low, and I have never seen her act intoxicated...I think she is writing this stuff to again, get attention. How much attention can you give her, I give her more than anyone....I give all that I can, and most of the time she is trying to get me to give into something, get her something or tell me why she should be allowed to have all this freedom...ummm hello??? Every time I give her the privilege of these freedoms and texting, and computer, etc...she is always breaking the rules...rules and consequences SHE comes up with...so what is a Mom to do...I am very calm, just SERIOUSLY confused. OK...there is a little more insight :-) Again...thanks again for all the insight...I am usually bottling things up inside...being the one who always helps everyone else with their issues and problems with the kids and others...and I just do not ask for help...so this feels good hearing all of this.
D.F. answers from San Antonio on October 12, 2010
WOW! My daughter is 13 but has not had a boyfriend yet. I have a very open relationship with my kids and they tell me just about everything. My sons are older and like it or not, it is different with boys. I could be more frank in my discussions with them.
I would ask her why she wrote what she did. I mean ease into the conversation or she will close up and not tell you anything at all. Tell her you are worried and why you are worried. These kids hear so much at school and most of the information is WRONG. I want my kids to know the truth. I could never talk to my parents about anything. I believed most of what I heard at school and had to learn the truths on my own.
Being open and honest is the best way to be when talking to teens. Talk every day about everything. I ask alot of questions ALL THE TIME. It takes time, but they will come back later and spill their guts to you.
Good luck and God Bless!!!
6 moms found this helpful
A.D. answers from Philadelphia on October 12, 2010
First things first, he's 13, the wind will blow and he will "get a boner". So, maybe your daughter just knows how boys are and was taunting him, enjoying her "power" over him.
That being said, you should probably have a discussion about her dating and about what each of you think is OK as far as how involved the relationship can be. Does she know you can see what she writes on FB, or will she feel you were invading her privacy? If she knows you have full access, then you can mention how crass you felt her posting was, you can say that you didn't feel her language was appropriate, or that you don't feel open sex talk was meant for FB and that you think it makes her look "slutty" or however you feel, but realize, she may not associate the same things with either the words or the erection. Sex and puberty are all (hopefully) pretty new at that age, boys bodies do funny things.
The most important thing for you to do is to help her establish boundaries in her dating relationships. If either of you use terms, like 1st, 2nd, or 3rd base, make sure you define those. Also tell her that lots of her friends will be lying about their experience, that some will lie to sound more experienced and some will lie because of shame for what they have done. Encourage her to come to you, tell her you will be as honest with her as you can. You have to be able to trust her to allow her to date, the more you establish what is and is not ok before hand (in an open dialogue), the more you will be able to trust her.
Good luck, I'm glad my daughter is only 7 and I have a little while before I have to deal with this.
5 moms found this helpful
B.C. answers from Norfolk on October 12, 2010
I'm not sure what is shocking you.
Is it that teenage boys get erections? They always have, they always will, and many are not terribly in control of them for awhile anyway. Many are embarrassed and I'm a little surprised this boy is brazen enough to be bragging. It's immature. Since you know his parents, maybe you should mention what he's saying on Facebook. They should be watching him, too.
Is it that your daughter is a topic of fantasy for this guy? It happens, no matter how conservatively your daughter presents herself, attractiveness shines through.
Is it that your daughter appears somewhat flattered that she's having an effect on him? Well, it is a bit icky that they seem to want to talk the sex talk. She could probably use a talk about respecting herself, guarding her reputation, being careful who she associates with (if the guy is immature enough to be bragging about his plumbing, will he be bragging about his conquests? etc). If she knows about erections, she should also know about STDs, what causes pregnancy and why those things should be avoided until she's an adult who can support and care for her own family.
Be matter of fact about it. Every generation likes to think they invented sex. They hate being told their parents do it so it's nothing new (it's just new to them). If you think about it, there are approx 6 billion people on the planet and most if not all of them came into being because their parents 'did it'.
Facebook - I'm not a fan of it either, but don't shoot the messenger. You might want to remind her that her reputation is also extended through social media and anyone can read what she's typing about. There's many a teen who grows up and discovers they need to scrub their data in order to be able to get a job. HR departments look up potential hires and people have been known to lose jobs over Facebook or other sites postings.
It's not like they were going at it like dogs in heat on the front lawn. Some information and a word or two of caution should be enough to throw some water on the situation and cool them off a bit. Don't forbid them seeing each other (that only drives them to sneak more). They have some growing up to do and they need supervision.
4 moms found this helpful
C.J. answers from Dallas on October 12, 2010
I definately think a discussion is in order. Make sure she knows she is not in trouble, but you saw something on FB that you didn't understand and you need her help.
Show her the post and and ask her what it means. Let her fully explain. And again, reiterate what your expecatations of her are, review Prov. 31 and make sure she understand that those qualities are desireable and how does she feel her actions measure to this standard?
Support her, but draw some clear lines of what is acceptable/appropriate and what is not.
If you hate FB, take her off, you are the parent.
Hang in there!!!
4 moms found this helpful
J.B. answers from Atlanta on October 12, 2010
OK -calm down -she's 13 and into puberty! The hormones are raging, and you need to CALMLY sit down and talk to her IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about sex, sexual relationships, your expectations of her, how to keep herself safe, etc. Also, PLEASE seriously discuss the ramifications of what she posts on ANY social media site -Twitter, FB, whatever. She may think they're "private" but they're not! Hammer home that anything she puts out there CAN come back to haunt her. Let her know all it takes is posting something like that and having someone else at her school see it and start telling people, and before she knows it people are making fun of her and saying things about her that aren't true and that she'll hate.
At their age, it's all about those first feelings of arousal. I know it makes you want to puke, but this is the terminology kids that age use. He is certainly of the age when even looking at a girl he likes will give him a "boner"! Tell her it's not really nice for her to be talking about this type of thing with him, and that at their age, they should keep their bodily functions to themselves. This will let her know more where you stand. Just make sure their visits are supervised at this age!
We live in a digital age, and you can "ground" her from electronics for a little while, but you can't keep her away from them. You need to teach her how to use them responsibly. There are also a number of programs that aren't very expensive per month that you can use to monitor your kids' texts, social media sites and email. The cool thing about the new ones is that they're not total spy ware where you see all of their stuff and they hate it, but you get to flag certain terminology (like boner), phrases, etc. and the messages, posts and texts come to you first before going out or going to her -so you can approve or disapprove of them and talk to her about it. I know one is called CoolYou. You could make using this a condition of her having a cell, using Facebook, etc.
She's still really young, but overreacting will only hurt. Have a serious talk and then have some more. Have talks about relationships, romance, love, sex and all of it frequently throughout her adolescence!
4 moms found this helpful
C.M. answers from St. Louis on October 12, 2010
Okay, I have not read all of the other posts but my first thought it to take a breath. She's 13, he's 13 and hormones are raging. I think you are being a little too over the top. With the availability of electronics and people being able to talk (non face to face) I think kids are more open these days. He probably said something about getting a boner with her around because she is so pretty, he likes her so much, etc. Then he probably sent her a message saying he did (or maybe she noticed he had one). I do not think she did anything wrong! I do not think you need to cut off her technology, access to this boy, etc. I think it's completely normal!! As long as you are monitoring their private time, you are okay. I would express to his parents that you want to make sure they are not alone, but also, you have to be willing to trust her and give them a little space (maybe let them watch tv alone in the living room while you are in the kitchen or doing stuff around the house). You do not need to be with them every second - I mean trust me, kids find a way to do things if they want to!!! Even if they are watched every second. I think you should sit down with her and talk about hormones, about having a boyfriend, about what she thinks it means and about what she does and doesn't want to do with him, what she thinks it means to be a girlfriend. You may be surprised...maybe she is all talk but no action. Or maybe she wants more (but if they don't see each other very often it will be hard for them to do anything) but if that is the case, talk with her about using protection. It's never too early. I'd rather talk to my mature 13 year old about getting pregnant than ignore it and have a grandchild on the way when she is 14 or 15.
4 moms found this helpful
J.S. answers from Tampa on October 12, 2010
Ok, first .... BREATHE........ calm down a little. It will be ok.
Feel any better yet? Ok, Let me tell you, I have 3 girls, varying ages. I have been through it all and am still going through it now. I know how hard this can be, but it WILL be fine. Believe it or not, your daughter is NORMAL. Only difference here, well there are basically two, when we were their age is that we didn't have facebook or the electronic stuff to communicate, and also I don't think we were so open about talking to the boys about things like that. These days, they all are. Period. Girls and boys talk to each other like that. Good girls, regular girls, boys too. It's not just the sleazy or slutty and easy girls who talk that way. I know that you are worried about your little girl getting a rep. or being one of "those" girls. All I can tell you is to talk, talk, talk to her! Have you spoken to her about her body, boys, and all of the stuff that goes on between boys and girls? Sex? It's time. You need to have a very open line of communictin between the both of you if you want to know what is going on in her life. Second, you need to set firm guidlines about what she is allowed to post on facebook. I'm sorry, but even my 20 yr old daughter is not allowed to post anything too personal like that. We all forget too quickly that these sites are easily hacked and all of this informaton can get into the hands of the wrong people. She may think that what she posts is just getting seen by her "friends", but it is also available to anyone who they copy and paste it to. Also, why would she want anyone to see that personal statement? Was it a post, or in a personal email? If it was in an email, than I guess that's different. I have had open communication with all 3 of my girls their whole lives, and I have a 20 yr old a 17 yr old and a 7 yr old. (my girls anyway) None of them are pregnant or got pregnant, all of them did or are still doing great in school, the 20 yr old graduated and is a responsible adult who has a great boyfriend, the 17 yr old has her 1st "serious" boyfriend this year, although she has had other boyfriends who she considered serious prior I didn't count them, and the 7 yr old has a boyfriend who she has had for 2 yrs actually, and they are really cute together. I have no worries because I am always with her when they are together, and we talk about everything. When the time is right, (which is has not been yet), I will talk to her about whatever she needs to know or asks me, and I am hopefull that she will do as her sisters have done and act responsibly. None of my girls (to date) has had a bad rep. at school, etc. i really think you just need to talk to your daughter about your concern, and her facebook post, and keep the communication going. I see no need to punish her or set any limits, unless however she continues to post things that are inappropriate on facebook. Then I may take some action. That would scare me a little more than the boy. The internet can cause many problems. The boy is an easy issue. You know what to do Mom, you were a 13 yr old girl once. Use your good judgement. Good luck!!
3 moms found this helpful
E.M. answers from Los Angeles on October 12, 2010
ok first i would talk to your daughter. I would not stop her from talking and such to him for one major reason. If you forbid her from seeing him she will work tha much harder to talk and be around him behind your back.
Just talk to your daughter and explain things. be honest. if she's as mature as you think she will understand and listen to your advice.
I would moniter her facebook for any more suggestive messages but for now i would take no action against the boy unless he's mature enough for you to have a talk with as well? It would be good it you could have a talk with both af them together as well as one with your daugher seperately.
good luck. I know it can be hard.
3 moms found this helpful