Helicopter Mom??

Hi C.-
This is so funny to me, because I've sort of been on the other side. My career before kids was in social work, and I always thought I knew so much about parenting...I would tell my brothers stuff about their kids, and they would just roll their eyes at me! I finally understood after becoming a mother - you have NO CLUE what it is like, nor how you will go about parenting, until you have children of your own! My brothers used to tell me that, and now I know they are right! We actually joke about it. I am in no way, shape, or form the kind of perfect mother I once visualized - but I, like you, am normal!!!!
I think it would be appropriate to tell your friend how you feel. Let her know that you truly cannot judge another's parenting without having experienced it - there is so much involved physically, emotionally, psychologically....
I wish you the best! You are doing great, I'm sure!

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like something you can shrug off if her comment bothered you.
Really, you're the expert on your child and if you are happy with your relationship and your child is on his way to becoming a healthy, competent adult, then any comparisons to you and aircrafts are inaccurate. You can either smile or think "up yours," depending on your mood. ;)
Have you read the book "Hold On to Your Kids" by Dr. Gordon Neufeld? I found it immensely validating and reasurring that forming healthy attachments with our children is vitally important and prevents problems of becoming overly peer-oriented, a very common but dangerous phenomenon. You could find it cheap online.
Personally, I think "crossing the line" to inappropriate hovering is when you are doing things for your child he could do for himself. Since confidence is connected to competence, it's important to be available to teach, but not to treat a child like an invalid. Sounds like you're on the right path-- and I hope to be right there with you!

i say it is your baby and you can do what you want to with him. make sure to have a witty responce for when you friend has something new to say. such as i don't remember him coming out of you??? if she gets offended then you can tell her that is the way she makes you feel with "her" little comments. good luck and god bless

While it can be hard to do you need to ignore your friend and parent the way you see fit. Unless you are endagering your children your friends need to keep their opinions to themselves. Since she has no children she cant know what your son needs and what you want to give him. no parenting class can teach you how to love and care for a real child. it can only give you scenareos. Good luck and God Bless

Do you really care what people think?
Helicopter mom? Why ? Because you care?
The term helicopter MOm really refers to a school aged kid having a MOm who just cannot get her paws out of everything and is the constant volunteer etc. I think you are thinking too much about your parenting and could probably use a dose of...whatever...seriously.
If your little one falls and you want to pick him up go for it. DOn't care what others think..
think whatever.
I have seven kids and none of them is emotionally scarred form my caring.

Hi C.,
I believe that you should base your opinions on how it is working for all members of your family. If you feel good, your husband feels good and your son appears content and is not throwing tantrums constantly then you are doing something right. I also have degrees in human/child development and worked with kids and families for many years. However, I learned far more by actually being a MOM. You are your son's base, his support and guide. It is your job to set up scaffolding for him to use to go out and be successful in his world. Perhaps when he is 5 you can step back a little but I believe that a parent or caretaker should always be in sight of our very little ones.
Take care,
B.

I agree a lot with Alli. It's different when you're an older mom, or struggled with infertility. I know I was way overprotective with our first because we tried so hard for him and though he'd be our only. You know what? He's just fine. Every mom parents differently. Every child needs to be parented differently. You are your son's mom, and by being so aware, you're probably very well-adjusted. It's when we think we've got it all figured out that we tend to go off the deep end one way or the other. I wouldn't worry about your friends comments as long as you are comfortable that you are doing what is best for your son. Remember how she feels with not having kids. Parenting is very easy as long as you're not the one doing it. It sounds like you're doing a great job! Have fun!

I always tell me people I know I am messing up somehow; my kids'll just let me know how when they are teenagers! Then, when they have kids, they'll thank me for everything I did!
My sister had all the degrees, was a social worker, and counseled parents too before she was even married or had kids. And she felt wise enough to give me "advice" too. I didn't pay much attention to her. Now that she has kids, it's as if she forgot half of what she told parents to do! It completely changed her perspective. Really, each parent and each child is different, and as a parent you do what you think is best to do! Your child will let you know if you are overdoing it, but make sure you go to bed each night knowing both of you had a happy fulfilling day, and leave it at that!

If you love your boy and your boy loves you, then you're the best mom ever. No one's perfect...and you don't need to be. You just need to be a perfect fit for your family...and you are. But none of that is any of her business.

Comments like that will always sting - even if you try to ignore them.

You need to respond in kind. Ignore it for now, but next time she says something like that you can respond: "Wow, I can't believe you actually said that!" Say it as kind of a half joke. There will be an awkward silence after. Let her break the silence or just pass it off as no big deal.

It's not quite polite, but she's not being quite polite either....and you'll point it out. Whether she meant it as advice or not, she will stop doing it because tossing it back to her will make her feel uncomfortable.

You hit it right on the head. Your friend isn't a mother therfore has no clue what it is like to have the instinct to protect your child from everything. She may have great parenting advice but she doesn't know what it is like to have a child of her own.Your son is 17 months old. When he's seven and you take his homework to school after telling him to get it. Now that's a hellicopter Mom. Right now your just protecting him. If he's happy and your happy let your friends comments go.

You sound like you are a terrific mom. The fact of the matter is, nobody really knows how it is, we are all just doing our best. It is really easy to be the perfect parent when you don't have kids and aren't dealing with it all day every day. I have 5 now and got a degree in social work before I had them and I feel more clueless now than ever. I believe we are given different chilren for reasons and we are to learn from it and do our best. good luck!!

hahah, truth is we never get it right all the time! We just do the best we can do, and make decisions that seem right at the time. We all mess up: too attentive, too unattentive, too worried, not worried enough.... Just do what you feel is right for the situation you are in! ... and I agree with another mom, the fact that you're concerned about it will help you be aware not to be too controlling. But really, wouldn't the world be better if there were more moms there hovering over and loving their little toddlers all the time?!?1

Funny how people without children can know so much about how to raise each and every child. I had a good friend who had a similar background to your friend. She was an expert on parenting and even taught a lot of classes on parenting, but she wasn't able to have any children of her own for a long time. Well, her first child did not follow any of the rules. Everything she had learned and taught others did not work or apply. Her child did things the books and classes never talked about and she was worried sick that she was doing something wrong (we used to talk about it a lot because her son and my oldest daughter were so much alike). The truth is her son was fine and she was doing a great job with him by going with her instincts. It was a real wake-up call to her. The best advice about raising children I ever got was from my mother-in-law. She told me that everyone is going to have a ton of advice and criticism on how you raise your child. Take all of it with a grain of salt. Remember that you are his mom and you know what is best for him because the two of you live together every single day. If your son is happy and you are happy and you seem to get along well then don't worry about what your friend said. She doesn't know, and can't know, the reality of your motherhood situation.

C.,
As someone that has been guilty of being a helicopter, here is my check list for you:

1. Are there times that instead of letting your child experience something that will be a learning experience you swoop in and rescue him? (I am not talking about anything harmful, but something that might be unpleasant).

2. When another child and your child are fighting, do you feel you have to step in every time and solve the problem?

3. When your child falls down do you automatically assume that he will need comfort and reassurance, even before he starts to cry?

These are just three examples of a helicopter.
I learned late in my son's life (21 years old)
how much being a helicopter can send the message:
You are not enough to do anything on your own.

Your friend is simply trying to stop a bad habit before it is too late.
Perhaps she is over-reacting to what she sees or perhaps you don't realize how often you are stepping in.

With my whole heart, C.

I honestly would never worry about how someone judged me that did not have children of their own. Your friend just needs to realize it isn't her place to label you when she has no idea whatsoever about being a parent.
I could easily be accused of being a helicopter mom with my first, I worried aboute every little thing, she was my first and I was learning as I went along.
With my second, well, I kind of learned to back off and let them find their way, not jump in just because a toy didn't work right, to have them try and then ask for help and am a lot more apt to let my son be independent.

It doesn't matter what your friend thinks. That term is actually geared towards moms with older children, not toddlers! I think it sounds like you give your son a great amount of time and space to find himself and gain indepedence. That doesn't mean we cannot scoop them up when there is a boo boo or cuddle anymore either!!!! I am a big fan of those two things.

It stems from the mom that is in their kids lives so deep that the kids have no idea where they are at individually. The mom that does everything for her son, laundry, cleaning and balancing his checkbook. The mom that cleans her daughters apartment and helps plan out her week!

THAT is a helicopter mom. You are a new mom of a active little boy and are just feeling your way through. Tell your friend to go back and study the true definition! :)

I know how you feel -- when a comment from someone else bothers you more than it should. In my case it's usually because that is something I've been trying to avoid in my parenting. So when I hear someone accuse me of it it really riles me.
As for being helicopter mom -- your son is only 17 months old. He's not old enough to play outside by himself. He's also not mature enough to always make a safe choice, so you need to be nearby -- and paying attention enough -- to help keep him safe. As long as you aren't hovering over him every time something little happens to him, then put your mind at rest.
Also, don't let a comment like that push you too far in the other direction -- I think the increased attention to our children these days is a good thing for our kids as long as we learn to give them independence within our supervision. Just like when I was growing up car seats (and seatbelts) were optional and now they are mandatory (and I would never dream of having my son and daughter in the car not belted in) I would also not revert to the level of non-supervision that I got as a child (even though my mom was a good and loving mother the anecdotes of my early childhood are a testament to either I was very clever to slip away from her or she wasn't that much into supervision).

Before I had a child, I was the ultimate expert on raising children. Then my daughter was born and showed me that indeed I really did know it all. That lasted until my son was born. Oops! Then I realized I really didn't know a blasted thing about raising children!!!

I say this because you mention your friend does not have children, even though she has so much education on the subject, she's a social worker. I assure you, education is one thing and experience is another.

I know a psychologist who admits she feels evil feelings about her stepson when the stepson hits or picks on her own autistic son. And the psychologist knows she should be educated out of responding like that, too, and feels just horrible about it - but there is it and she has to deal with it.

Now I could well be wrong about this - after all, my son did show me an abundance of times that I WAS wrong - but my gut tells me your friend is a bit jealous of the attention you naturally give your son and the comparative lack of attention given to her since you became a mother, and that her stinging little remarks are a reflection of that jealousy and a hope that you will pay a bit less attention to the baby and a bit more attention to her. She's probably not even aware of this herself.

Raise your son in the way the mother-voice inside you tells you to raise him. Trust that voice. You know your son far better than anyone else, even your longtime friend.

Just one more observation, from the perspective of a mom whose youngest is 23 and on his own, I see now that my friends changed over time as my life was about having no kids, having two babies, having two in grade school, having one in high school, having two in high school, having one married and moved away, etc. My circle of friends had to be redeveloped many times as my life changed from the situation that brought friends to me in the first place. Truly I am not trying to be harsh, but is it time that you and your longtime friend both need to fill more time with others and less time with each other?

I don't know why it is, but we humans have a tendency to want to rain on other's parades. We all have a bit of a jealous streak, some act upon it more than others. Even the best of friends can be pretty catty. The closer the friend, the more they know where the soft target is.
Whether by choice or chance, your friend has no children. If it is by choice, perhaps she looks at you and has twinges of regret for not having children. If by chance, as you were, you may be all too familiar with a feeling of longing for one of your own. In either case, perhaps she wants to show you that she could be as good, or better mother.
Also, if she's in social work, she sees much more of the negative side of parenting on a daily basis. It is only natural that she tends to see the negative side and zero on it. It's a quite publicized fact that many social workers have high burnout rate and often need counselling themselves after the years of dealing with troubled families and individuals.
Your friend seems to be offering unsolicited advice. If it's the envy thing, she has the added ammunition of being able to say she is trained in these matters. What your friend needs to learn is the same thing a lot of friends, sisters, moms, mom-in-law, aunts and the neighbor need to learn..... Only give advice when I ask for it, or when you see I am truly in over my head. Alas, we are women, we are moms, we must endure the comments of the other women who love us. We must realize no matter how much they love us, they have that little streak and must show us how they could do it better.
If your friend is childless by choice, you might reply, if only to yourself, "I'm making notes and going to save them for you when you have kids". If by chance, then it is good to be compassionate and not ever say anything to point out she doesn't have kids.
Whatever the case, when the unsolicited comments come, you could simply say, "Thank you my helicopter friend for hovering over me."
We all live with the mostly unspoken fear of being one of those moms in the ER saying over and over "I only took my eyes off him for a minute". Your son is 17 months old. It is absolutely necessary you are aware of his whereabouts at all times. My youngest discovered at age 2 how to unlock a deadbolted door, get outside, strip naked and sit in the road. I got there just before the concrete truck that was barrelling toward her. I had gone to the bathroom, came out and thought she was in her room playing. Just happened to look out a window and see her. I had only taken my eyes off her for a minute. I have a friend who went inside from outdoor play in a fenced, childsafe yard to bring out a drink. In two minutes or less, her daughter had stuffed her nose full of some pebbles she found in the sandbox.
Child safety products exist, child safety warnings are mandated due to tragedies. Children are curious and don't realize the dangers that everyday objects can pose. We cover the outlets, put latches on the cabinets, raise the drape and blind cords out of reach, put the plastic bags in something sealed. That doesn't even begin to cover their safety issues. Doors closed on fingers, trip and fall against the coffee table, thinking someone's left behind dog poop in the park is candy, on and on. Those things are not helicoptering, they are a necessity. It takes true vigilance to stop what you are doing a hundred times a day, just to take a look and see they are ok.
As for the other comments about your parenting choices, just the thought to yourself, or verbal reply to your helicopter friend may be of help to you. We are individual families with individual ideas and goals for our families. We all just do the best we can with what we have.
So, when your friend seems to be coming off as critical of your parenting, just keep in mind she may be professionally trained, but that in no way equates or prepares you for the real day to day. While your friend may have ideas of what her ideals and goals would be if she had a family, this is your family. Thousands of books, courses, observing others, family traditions. We sort through these and use the things that seem to fit what our goals are for our family. If you are content with how things are working in your house, nuff said. Don't judge yourself and don't let what others say cause you to judge yourself. We moms tend to second guess ourselves way too much as it is. If what you are doing isn't working for you, you'll figure it out. If you need help, you'll ask for it.
One thing to always remember, women are women. Even the best have this one flaw in common. Your friend may love you dearly BUT.... If there's a flaw in you, we'll find it. If we can't see one, we'll invent one for you. We range from those who just have the thought, let it pass, to the mildy catty to the very catty to the downright mean about it.
I know that I loved spending time just watching my kids. I was fascinated. There is the watching them for safety's sake, of course, but there is also the joy of seeing them discover, learn and grow. If you're not watching, you may miss something fabulous. So many things they will only do once. And everything, they will only do the first time, once. How lucky you are to get to be there to see it. Too soon, they go to school and someone else teaches them, sees the "firsts". Their world expands so quickly and our place in it becomes less and less. Revel in this time, enjoy it while you can.

It sounds like you're doing just fine. :) Take a deep breath, remind yourself that you love your child with all your heart and you are doing the best you can for him. Don't let other mothers' or womens' comments affect you. You know we are very judgmental. :) I've heard good things about Love and Logic and would like to try that method myself. But if your friend doesn't have kids, no matter how many classes she takes, she won't know for sure. You can study something all you want but when you are actually doing it, it can be completely different. Just politely thank her for her advice and remember that you are your child's mother, not her, and you really do know your child the best and what is best for him. :)

Don't worry about what your friend says. It doesn't matter if she has taken every parenting class and read every parenting book there is...it really wouldn't even matter if she was a mother. The fact is, she is not your child's mother. You raise him with love and affection and attention. Being a little older when you have your first (especially if you wanted a baby for a long time) helps to heighten your feelings of appreciation and gratitude for your baby (not that younger parents can't feel this, too...but it's just different for older parents). As he gets older I'm sure you will be more comfortable with him being even more independant. For now, though, you are doing your job (and doing it well). And, as adults reflecting on childhood, I really doubt many (if any) say "You know, I really wish my mom had cared about me less." So, rock on, mamma, and love that little boy how it feels best for you! :)

You sound like a great mom. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Usually children whose parents do everything for them are incapable of doing things themselves. I know of children who are 12 and cannot sleep in a different room than their parents. Or two year olds that you need to still feed them Yogurt. There is a huge difference from a mother that supervises her child and let them make choices and a mother who controls everything their child does. Sometimes when people say things like you are a "Helicopter Mom" or another comment they were responding to something you said or and how you reacted that one time. However if she says it again, I would ask her what does she mean by that? Analyze what she says and see if it is true. If it is, then make some changes, if not then don't take the advice.

Here's the deal, none of us know you, so we can't give you accurate insight into whether or not you are a "helicopter mom." From your description, it doesn't sound like it, but you may be blind to what your friend is talking about - as all of us are about our weaknesses - which we all have by the way. I would consider it a gift to have someone that has the guts to call me out on something I couldn't see - even though it stings to hear it. That being said, she only sees a piece of your mothering (I'm assuming she's not with you all day every day) and may not have an accurate view either. If I were you, I would simply ask my friend specifically what she has observed to give her that opinion - all in the spirit of truly trying to understand if there is something there. I would try my best to not get defensive or there is no point in the conversation. Just listen to what she has to say & thank her. Then you can decide on your own whether or not her point has merit. If you decide it doesn't then let it go & don't listen to her parenting advice, but realize that she is probably just trying to help and it trying to be a good friend. If you just don't want any unsolicited advice & don't want to know what made her say that, then I would just let it go until she makes another comment. Then I would just tell her that I really appreciate that she cares enough to share her opinions, but that it is not something you really wish to hear. Good luck!

I've never heard helicopter mom be applied to a mother of a baby. I work at university and we use the term to talk about mothers who call profs and argue about their child's grades or come to career counselling appointments with their child. If you're doing that kind of thing, then you're a helicopter mom. I wouldn't worry about it when you've got a little one. You have to keep and eye on him and follow your instints about what is enough.

Trust yourself. You sound like a loving, thoughtful mommy. Nothing else matters.

Well I would keep in mind that learning about kids and having your own kids is completely different. So I wouldn't weigh her advice too heavily. Not to mention that ever kid is so completely different so there isn't a one answer fits all. One thing may be good for one kid but not for another. So I think that the person who knows the child best is their mom. If you feel like you are giving him enough independence then maybe you should tell your friend that you don't always hover

That term refers to college-age kids.
You HAVE to hover over and around a 17 month old to keep them alive! That just goes with the territory of every toddler!
Sounds like you're a WONDERFUL Mom!
Try to ignore her comments. Maybe try to figure out where they may be coming from.