He Wont "Cry It Out"

You have to decide for yourself how important the independence is, but it seems to me that your baby simply is not ready for such a transition. As the previous poster said, all children are different both in personality and development.

I was never able to "Ferberize" my children, it simply wasn't my style, although I did learn with my second child, my daughter, to not rush to her for every cry, since often the infant can work it out for him or herself. Knowing what I now know about my son, my oldest, however, I am very grateful that I never tried to force him to sleep on his own as an infant, and never tried letting him cry it out. It would have been very traumatic for him, and who knows what issues would have emerged as a result.

My general rule of thumb is that there is no rule of thumb, lol. But there are some guidelines. If you can apply the techniques for self-soothing in Ferber's book and have it all resolved within half an hour, the infant was totally ready for the change and "crying it out" is the right thing to do. If, however, the process takes hours and days, the infant is not at all suited to the change and I would not choose that method.

There is nothing wrong with keeping your child in your bed for a few years because your child WILL grow out of it, and WILL learn to soothe him or herself to sleep. My daughter is an ace sleeper, usually asleep in her own room within 5 minutes, despite sleeping with us until she was almost 2. My son was never in our bed and has a lot of difficulty falling asleep (always has, always will), but has learned to read himself to sleep, and has become very independent.

Still, it is a balance. Every member of the family has needs that must be considered; the infant isn't the only one. If the current sleeping arrangements mean that you are not getting the sleep you need, and have to face the day feeling more stressed and exhausted than necessary, then making choices that may be difficult on you baby in the short term could still be the best path for your unique family.

In the end, I guess what I really suggest is to remove concepts and ideas about what does and does not need to happen from your mind, and listen exclusively to your instincts as a mom. You are the one who knows your family best, and any choices you make can only be effective if your heart, and not just your mind, is in them.

Best of luck. I know these are exhausting years. But you will, someday, actually miss them.

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My first daughter was a lot like your son. Finally I got so exhausted and really just had reached the end of my rope and needed a good night's sleep! So I decided that she was going to sleep in her crib, in her room. The first night when she woke up, I went into her room, put my hand on her and told her mommy was there, but she needed to go to sleep now. And I left the room for 5 minutes while she cried and cried. (And I cried too!)Then I went in, put my hand on her, told her mommy was there but she needed to go to sleep. And I left the room for 10 minutes. Just keep repeating the process, adding 5 minutes each time. Eventually your baby will fall asleep, knowing you are there if he needs you. This may take several nights until he understands what to expect. With my daughter, she cried for around 2 hours off and on the first night, about 45 minutes the second night, 30 minutes the third night, and then just put herself back to sleep after that.

With my second daughter we started her off in her own room as a newborn, followed the Babywise program (which I loved and wished I had known about for baby #1!), and never had to do the cry it out thing at all because she slept through the night around 4 weeks old. (Lucky us!)

Anyhow, that's just my experience. Every baby is different! Just depends what you think will work for you and your baby. Good luck.

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Long-Term Perspective on Self-Soothing:

The following interview with Dr. Karen Walant is so well-spoken, providing a very long-term perspective on self-soothing and self-reliance. Another good book is "Becoming Attached" by Dr. Robert Karen, very well researched and written.

Best wishes to you and your little one...

Fostering Healthy Attachment
An Interview with Dr. Karen Walant
by The Nurturing Parent (TNP) staff
TNP: Dr. Walant, tell us about your new book.
KW: Creating the Capacity for Attachment looks at how we, as a society, have raised our children with the expectation that they become totally self-reliant and autonomous rather than with the hope that they have the capacity to form close, loving, intimate relationships with others. As a result of our social insistence upon self-reliance, we have witnessed an epidemic of addictions and what I call "the alienated self," meaning people who are disconnected from their internal thoughts and feelings - their inner selves - and are unable to form true intimacy with others. Addiction exemplifies how, by not allowing ourselves to deeply connect to other people, we have attached only to the other things. For example, a pacifier is often one of a child's first attachments. It is plastic - and not the same as having mother and her breast, to suck and to cuddle with. This unhealthy pattern of reliance on objects is encouraged in the detached parenting styles so common in Western society, and it's easy to see how, from this tendency, as adults we continue to seek comfort in other non-human objects, such as drugs, food, money, etc.
Very early on, children are generally taught not to disclose to others when feeling "weak" or scared, "needy" or alone. Many of the emotions we felt in childhood - what people call the "negative" emotions - we were taught not to share. So, we sought comfort from blankets, pacifiers, and teddy bears, and we learned not to seek comfort from our mothers, our fathers, our family. As we got too old for blankets and teddy bears, we turned instead to other comforts - food, alcohol, money, etc. As adults, we struggle with holding our emotions within because we fear that by sharing our inner souls with others, we will - as in childhood - be discounted, dismissed, or denied.
TNP: In your book, you discuss the importance of "immersive" moments. When do these moments occur and why are they important?
KW: There are special moments that occur as part of the deepening of intimacy, which I have termed "moments of oneness" - moments when a person feels totally connected and understood by an other. The immersive moment is an intensely spiritual, holy one that occurs when two people can let down their barriers to intimacy and truly experience their inner feelings. This kind of feeling is a transcendent one - meaning that it moves someone, or shifts someone, to feeling more connected to another person.
The immersive moment occurs in feeling a sense of security in being held and comforted by an other - be that a spouse, friend, therapist, nature, or God. This kind of moment is first felt in baby-hood, when mother (we hope) picks up her child when he cries and holds him. She transcends his sense of pain and loneliness by holding and comforting him - something a pacifier just cannot do. It's similar to the feeling we get when we know that we can totally disintegrate into the arms of another person - just totally fall apart. Our baby falls apart in our arms, and we hold him, comfort him, quiet him. He knows that we are there, and that we - mothers, fathers, etc. - will put him back together again. We will find some way to reach into his being and contain what is distressing him so. We will take care of him. But if mothers and fathers do not pick up their crying baby, or hold their sleeping baby, then the experience is quite different. The child learns that he will not be comforted if (and when) he falls apart, and so he learns to hold in, dismiss, and cut-off from his fears and anxieties. If as children we do not get practice in "falling apart" into the arms of an other, then as adults we will also have difficulty achieving this level of intimacy.
TNP: It seems when babies fall apart in our arms, they have no concern whatsoever that we figure out what's wrong with them. They trust that we're going to comfort them. But as adults, we are insecure about why we fall apart.
KW: Right. It is our cultural belief that we should be so self-reliant and so self-assured that we shouldn't need anybody else. It seems to me that one of the goals of Western parenting has been to raise children to need no one - to be totally self-sufficient. That is not, in my eyes, the point of parenting or of having children. In fact, I disagree with the widely-held notion that we are born alone, and we die alone, so therefore teach your kids to be alone. None of us are born alone - after all, our mothers are there! And nobody should have to die alone, either, because ideally there are loved ones surrounding us as we leave this world.
TNP: What happens when the parent reassigns a different motive to the child's cry and decides not to be responsive?
KW: A child cries for a reason - not to manipulate his mother, not to be mean, or nasty, or to be a "pain in the neck." When, instead of trying to discern what her child needs, a mother simply says - "oh, he's just tired," or "he has to deal with sleeping by himself now" - she has given her baby the idea that expressing his inner self is wrong or bad. A baby is like someone who is quadriplegic. He can't do very much for himself - but that doesn't mean that he isn't thinking and feeling. When the baby cries and his mother responds, the child learns to have trust in the world around him and to have trust in himself. When the baby cries and his mother listens, the two join together in a moment of oneness that transcends the separateness, the aloneness, which the baby knows all too well.
TNP: Describe the process that happens from there.
KW: If the child has not been responded to, if he has not been attuned to or empathized with, he begins to feel more and more powerless, alienated, and detached. You know, sometimes the best you can do is simply empathize with your baby - "I know, you are angry because . . ." or "You want to get out of this car seat right away!" Saying something like that is much better than ignoring your child. The less empathy that is developed between parent and child, the less understood the child feels, and from there, the disconnection between the two just grows and grows.
TNP: What happens when a child grows into adulthood with repeated patterns of relating like this with his parents?
KW: Many people spend their lives feeling like nobody hears their cries - they feel alone, afraid, and powerless. When children are not responded to, in their earliest and most primary relationships, they learn that their thoughts and feelings are burdensome to others and that their needs are shameful. As adults, these same people often go underground with their feelings and seek comfort in substances. Or, alternately, these same people become so vocal in their neediness that, again, they are met with disdain from others and go on to find comfort, as well, in non-human substances.
TNP: This pattern of parenting that you are describing falls under what you call "normative abuse." Can you describe this concept for our readers and talk about what part it plays in the process of detachment?
KW: Society (at least in the Western World) has encouraged a number of parenting practices that I call "normative abuse." "Normative," because these are approaches that are sanctioned by society, therefore enacted without any moral discomfort. By normative, I mean practices which appear normal for our culture. A hundred years ago, for example, severe physical abuse was routine to parenting. The abuse we see today stems from our insistence on separation, self-soothing and detachment at the expense of attachment, intimacy, and connectedness.
TNP: Describe these practices that you say fall under the "normative abuse" category.
KW: First of all, normative abuse occurs when we avoid or ignore our parental instincts to be empathic and responsive to our children's needs. For example, parents are taught the best gift they can give their children is to encourage them to self-soothe at one, two, three months of age. Mothers frantically stick a pacifier in their babies' mouths or try to get their child to suck on his thumb, all in a well-meaning effort to wean their child from "needing" mom. In the psychoanalytic literature, for example, one writer even criticizes a mother who "allows" her baby to become "addicted" to her - can you imagine that? A baby should be "addicted" to his real mother, not to a substitute, plastic pacifier or even to his own thumb! Again, normative abuse occurs when the child's needs for attachment and closeness with his parents are sacrificed for the cultural norms that insist on autonomy and individuation. Babies need to be held - as much as possible, as often as possible. Therefore, I consider the over-use of strollers, playpens, and even cribs to be normative abuse.
TNP: Is this an all-inclusive statement - are you advocating that parents never use these items?
KW: No, certainly not. As a mother of a 4 1/2-year-old and 17-month-old twins, I know that nothing can be back and white! Certainly, a stroller comes in handy if you must take two babies together, by yourself. But I think that parents automatically put their baby into a stroller, without giving any thought to what is truly best and most natural. As well, parents worry that holding their baby will spoil him, that he will never accept a stroller later if he is held now. That is an unfortunate supposition and one that is not at all true. What a toddler enjoys is not the same as what a newborn baby needs. I sometimes cringe when I look at a newborn baby, lying all by himself, in his expensive, state-of-the-art stroller that his parents bought with such love and devotion. Almost without exception, that baby would prefer to be held, I'm sure. When my twins were infants, we always used slings to carry them wherever we went, and I was able to make sure that I never went out without another adult to help me carry the boys.
TNP: We tend to treat babies like they want to be away from us - "Don't you want this toy?" or "Don't you want to be in this his neat bouncy seat?" - when what they really want is to be in our arms or on our lap.
KW: That's right. Don't forget, we ourselves were parented in a detached manner, with normative abuse as well. So often, despite what we may intellectually know is best, we may still worry when our young children demand a closeness we never experienced in our own childhood. Despite what we know, we worry that he is "too clingy, too needy," and we become afraid that he will never want to become more independent. So, in spite of ourselves, we may push our children away, giving subtle messages that our children should learn to be independent of us. This is a Western worry - in other cultures, children are raised with the expectation that they will always remain near their parents, building a close-knit community rooted in the extended family.
TNP: It seems that we've lost the sense of family connectedness in our society that should sustain us throughout our lives.
KW: Yes. In our world, a family that "still" has a 20-year-old living at home, for example, is considered suspect. "What went wrong?" people wonder. "Why is that young adult still at home?"
TNP: What are some other practices that fall under the term normative abuse?
KW: The concept of normative abuse implies that intimacy and connectedness are devalued and replaced with social expectations of a self-sufficiency way beyond the baby and young child's ability. When we are not empathic to our children, we create a rift or a separation inside this loving relationship. For example, using nicknames that are in reality hurtful or mean, creates a barrier inside the relationship. Jokingly calling your child a "stinker," or "troublemaker," or "rebel," can have long-lasting effects on your child's self-perception. I knew a mother, who, for example, continually labeled her 3-year-old daughter's opposition behavior "ugly."
TNP: What challenges do parents face (in their own parenting) when they grew up in situations that were laden with "normative abuse" practices?
KW: Well, the likelihood is that we will repeat, in some form or another, that which was done to us. Parenting is constant interaction, meaning we are always being challenged by our children in the moment. I like to hope that, at our best, we can parent in an introspective way. By that I mean, that we continue an ongoing conscious dialogue within ourselves, with our spouses, and with others so as to question and process how we are handling the everyday moments with our children. We need to "check in" with others who are also taking a more empathic approach to parenting, so as to make sure that our actions are intersecting with our intellect. For example, one mother I know needed ongoing reassurance after the birth of her young daughter, that her 4-year-old's wish to return to nursing was not "wrong" and that it did not indicate that her preschooler would always insist on being "babied" again. This is uncharted territory for most of us, and it helps to have others - like AA has sponsors - to guide us along the way. That's one of the wonderful aspects of magazines like The Nurturing Parent. People can feel reassured as they parent in a more attached way and can ask for help and guidance in navigating the waters of empathic parenting.
Another aspect of "doing unto our children what was done to us" is that we may, by attempting to become the opposite of our parents, still stimulate some of the same dynamics with our children. For example, some parents have the tendency to "overattach." By that I mean that they do not allow enough separateness inside the connectedness of their relationship with their children. In so doing, these parents are not attuning to the very important needs of their children to also have "separate time," or even "separate adventures" away from home. What causes this misattunement? In every relationship, we find characteristics in others which resemble our own parents and siblings. We essentially recreate, in our current relationships, the family scenario from which we came. In this, we then respond as we have always responded, feeling the same emotional dynamics that we have always felt, and therefore feeling a stability in our own core self. For example, a mother may have felt particularly traumatized by her own childhood experiences of abandonment. As an adult, she is exquisitely sensitive to feeling that others will leave her. With her own child, then, she may experience what is his healthy separateness, with dismay and fear. She experiences his natural growing independence and individuation as an abandonment of their relationship and then, as she did in her own childhood, she becomes anxious, insecure, and protests what is essentially his right to separateness.
TNP: How do we understand healthy attachment?
KW: Healthy attachment allows for separateness as well as connectedness. Freud spoke of an "indissoluble bond," a bond in which we know that "we cannot fall out of this world." In a sense, we have an invisible, life-long umbilical cord which is attached to those we love most dear. And, as in the womb, we are free to move around, somersault, and rotate while still being fed and cared for through the umbilical cord.
TNP: Explain healthy separateness.
KW: It varies from child to child, but generally speaking, we need to help our children develop what Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, called the capacity to be alone. We need to be non-intrusive and respectful of times when our children want to play alone or color alone or to simply be alone. We don't need to force alone time on our children by shutting them away from us, but rather we can help them create the capacity for self-enjoyment by giving them time to entertain themselves while we are unobtrusively nearby. Even a baby has this experience, while being held on his mother's lap or snuggling inside a baby wrap. It's really a misnomer to think that a baby must be put down in order to experience his own separate body and mind. Even while being held, he is having his own thoughts, feelings, and sensations. Research has shown that, for example, a 3-month-old pair of conjoined twins already knew the difference between sucking their own thumb and sucking the thumb of their sibling.
Part of our job, as parents, is to help our baby feel comforted in negotiating the feelings that come from his sense of littleness and powerlessness. I often think of myself as a "human pacifier" because I can provide immersive moments through comfort, nurturance, and soothing to my children when they ask for, and need, my help.
TNP: After addressing the disease of detachment in the first half of Creating the Capacity for Attachment, you present breakthrough ideas concerning an approach to psychotherapy that facilitate the healing process for persons suffering it. Why did you choose to focus on this?
KW: Psychotherapy is a wonderful place for people to discover the joy of intimacy through putting their thoughts and feelings into words. But all too often, psychotherapists have fallen short of encouraging the attachment process - of encouraging just what it takes to heal someone from their wounds of detachment. The 12-Step programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, have done a much better job of helping people re-attach to the loving bonds of humanity than, traditionally, has psychotherapy. These programs teach people how to redirect their very normal need for love and attachment to other members of the group, rather than to continue seeking comfort from substances. A therapist can, similarly, be someone who is willing to help create the kind of attachment, love and security that was missing in his or her patient's childhood. I believe this element has been left out of psychotherapy for too long. The level of intimacy that the therapist encourages inside the setting of the psychotherapy process can be very powerful and healing.
TNP: In your book, you discuss how you enable immersive moments to be part of the psychotherapy process in your practice. Can you describe this process?
KW: I look at psychotherapy as a process of immersion, of always deepening my knowledge and understanding of the person I am sitting with. As he puts all his feelings and thoughts into words, he feels relief in being understood, in releasing himself from his inner demons, and he relaxes in our developing relationship. In this empathic process, there is usually a deepening of affection and trust. The development of a secure base, a secure attachment between us, is crucial to the process. Therefore, as with a baby or young child, I believe that as the therapist, I must be accessible, even between sessions. This is usually of great comfort to people, who are used to detachment and distance in most of their other relationships.
TNP: In your book, you comment that you've often been questioned about making yourself so accessible to your patients because it might create an unhealthy dependency, which might even mean that your clients would be calling you all of the time, not allowing you the space that you need.
KW: It doesn't happen that way. Just knowing that I'm accessible is what seems to have been the most important part of my accessibility to my patients. I have provided the protective wall in which they can operate. This is such a direct parallel to the parent-child relationship. Attachment parents have been criticized for the same reasons. But, in truth, the children, like my patients, operate within the protective wall, and they do not form an unhealthy dependency. Instead, they do their own thing and grow to reach their own potential. Just like our children, my patients seem to thrive in the knowledge that I am present for them whenever they have a need.
John Bowlby has said that no matter how adult we are, as grownups we also do our best when we feel there's someone behind us or underneath us who is holding us up. It's as though we are all acrobats, walking on our own tightropes, feeling confident because there is a security net beneath us that we can see and believe in. This security net gives us the courage to continue walking along on our own highwire. This concept is as necessary to psychotherapy as it is in childrearing.

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Personally, I never could do the "cry it out" thing with my children. I believe strongly in attachment parenting, and have had wonderful rewards in using that approach. I brought both of my children to bed with me. They were calmer, as was I. I did try the cry it out thing with my oldest, and it just didn't work. I made a point of having a set bedtime routine every night from the get go, and both girls sleep in their own beds through the night just fine now. They don't even need a night light. Go with your instincts. If it feels right to have your child next to you, then do. He will eventually start sleeping in his own bed. It's only a matter of time. Maybe try putting him in his crib or co-sleeper after he's fallen asleep next to you. If he wakes up, bring him back to bed with you, or just try to reassure him. It's a slow weaning process, but it will happen eventually.

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My sister tried everything to get her son to sleep and then her mother-in-law said she heard about this DVD called the 3-day miracle. My sister thought it was just another thing that wouldn't work. Her MIL said there was a money back guarantee so it might be worth it to try it. It worked!!! I think the idea is that your child is overtired and needs to be put down very early in the evening. You could look into it...my sister's husband said he would do a testimonial for the lady on the DVD if she ever needed one. They are so grateful for her. They were feeling tortured, now their son sleeps through the night.

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I can tell you what has worked best for me. (I have 5 children) The "cry it out" method has worked for me it's a process. First let him cry 10 min or so. Go in check on him. Touch him but Don't pick him! just talk to him and soothe him let him know you are. Say goodnight and leave. Next time wait longer. Add 5-10 min each time. It will work. You just have to be consistent and don't give in. It's hard not to want him to pick him but if he knows you will he'll keep crying. Try it on the weekend when you don't have to get up for work early the next morning. Hope it helps.

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I have three kids from 13 to 3. I co slept with my babies for the first year. They always moved to their own beds at the time that was right for them. The middle one took the longest but she was in her bed by 2. The way I look at is that they will not be sleeping with me when they are 18 and I can never have this time with them again. Enjoy your baby now because soon she will be gone living her own life. It passes faster than you know.

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mine was the same. i ended up just keeping our daughter in bed with us.. until she was old enough to go to a big girl bed. wish i had more help. :)

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Let him sleep with you. It's way too soon to worry about transitioning to the crib. I co-slept with both my girls (now ages 7 & 9) until both were close to 1 year and did not have a problem moving either one to the crib. If you really don't want him in your bed, put a bassinet next to your bed and hold his had while he sleeps or put your hand on his tummy. Some babies need the touch, others prefer the body heat. Enjoy this time of pure cuddling. It's won't be long before his little arms and legs will be flung all over you :) My 7yo usually hit me across the face with her arm.

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Hi K.,

I am not sure with the info that you gave if you are nursing him at 11:30 and then trying to put him back down, or if you are expecting him to sleep through the night or he is just waking up and not falling back asleep unless he is skin-to-skin.

If this is a nursing time and he will not go back down after the feeding…then I would suggest moving him to his crib and doing the nursing in his room. The advice of going in and rubbing his back as needed with adding 5-10 minutes between visits is right on, and worked for us…and yes, you will cry too the first few nights. Even if you go in two or three times and decide it is not worth it and bring him to bed anyhow, it is still a good start. Just keep trying it. With this age it takes 24 hours to change a behavior, which in night time hours is about three nights. It will be three nights of less sleep than ever, but be patient, it will happen.

If this is a case in which he is just waking and wanting to be close to you, then I have a few suggestions as that was mostly our first daughter’s issue. If he likes it, then swaddle him tight and lay him between rolled up blankets in the co-sleeper so he is snug. I also put a heating pad under the blanket under her, that I would turn off after lying her down, so that she was not leaving my warm body to lie in a cold bed alone. One more thing…take your nightgown that you have worn for a night or two, or your pillowcase and put it in the bed with him. Having warmth, scent of mom and cozy snugness makes the transition easier. Make sure your bedroom, or his room is not too cold either during the night. A little high heating bill during the winter may be the trade off.

Hope you find something that works for you! I am one who NEEDS my sleep as well and 9 months of sleep deprivation was not great but it did end eventually.

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I'm a big believer in the "cry it out method" and it worked on all my 3 daughters, and it honestly changed my life. If I were you, I would try it again, maybe in a month or so. Also, I highly recommend the book, "Healthy Sleep, Happy Child, by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. Good luck.

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If your son is at least 4 months old and 14 pounds and not undergoing a major milestone (rolling over, sitting up on his own), then he should be ready to sleep through the night from 7:30 p.m. to 7:00 a.m.. Make sure you don't nurse him to sleep as he'll always remember nursing as his last memory before falling asleep. When he wakes up, he wants to nurse again b/c that's what he associates with falling asleep. I used to give my sons baths, then dress them in their pj's, then nurse them until they were drowsy, then read a couple of books, then put them in their cribs and say "goodnight!"

I highly recommend Jill Spivack's book, THE SLEEPEASY SOLUTION. Check out their website, www.sleepyplanet.com and you'll get a taste of what the book/DVD offer.

Good luck!

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When you say 'there's nothing wrong with him, there's nothing hurting him, he just NEEDS comfort near us' you've hit the nail on the head. He needs comfort near you. A baby that young doesn't know know how to manipulate. You don't have to teach them to be independant. Kids learn independance by feeling safe in the world, and when their needs aren't met, and their adults don't respond to them and allow them to scream for long periods of time, they learn that the world will not take care of them and their needs don't matter. That YOU will not take care of him, and his needs don't matter to YOU. They can actually become more needy and less able to express their needs, which creates a lot of stress that they will carry into adulthood. The stress hormones that are released in their little bodies when they scream with anger and panic are like pouring powerful drugs into their systems, and the hopelessness that sets in when they are not responded to is a pattern that can have far reaching effects.

Ask yourself, have the individuals in our culture become more healthy emotionally since the idea that 'children should sleep by themselves' was first introduced? This is a very new idea, really only in the last one or two hundred years. And it's still mainly in our western culture that it's happened. In that time the incidence of crime and poor mental health has only increased.

A baby still has the needs of our genetic heritage. When we lived in caves, it was necessary for a child to be close to an adult for safety, or wild animals would eat it. And a baby CAN"T understand that they are safe when they're alone at night, they simply don't have the cognitive ability for it. Just as you don't expect a baby to be able to read, speak, use a toilet, prepare their own food, so you also can't expect them to understand that they are safe without an adult at night.

Give your son the gift of what he needs. You. I promise, he won't still be sleeping with you when he's in grade school, and probably will be happily sleeping on his own long before that. Every child is different.

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ok so you seem to be consistant in a routine...thats a good start. Unfortunately with my first 3 babies...I did the same thing and gave in...which was actually miserable for all of us. I have an 8 mo old that I am working with because I kept giving in and sitting in a rocker by her crib and soothing her back to sleep every 1-2 hours. I was putting her to sleep then laying her down. It seems wrong to me to let her cry for so long...but they are not hurt. I know the best thing for my baby is to teach her to soothe herself and the ability to fall asleep on her own. I started a few weeks ago being very consistant. I have a set time..I feed her...change her and I walk in and sit her in her crib and walk out. She is very smart and the second I got to her crib she would get lovey dovey on me and she knew I would sit there and not put her down. She cried on and off for a few hours...it came down to 45 min...then a few days later 20-30 and finally last night 10 min. I am so looking foward to her just getting it! The other mistake I made for a while was sitting in there next to her. This was I think more torture to her than good. She is only making progress with the routine we do now. I thought it was awful to let a baby cry....it took me 4 kids to realize it was ok and they arent crying because they "need" you at that moment. You are on the right track I would just suggest to move him out of your room. I would take my shower when I put her down so I wouldnt give in.

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You need tolet him learn to self soothe at naps, once he is adept, nightimes will be easier for him. Try not to nurse him till he is asleep but drowsy..

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Mine wouldn't cry it out either. It was awful! I highly suggest reading "the No-Cry Sleep Solution". It's terrific and offers suggestions for all sleeping arrangements. Co-sleepers, crib sleepers, night feeders, non-self soothers, transitioning from co-sleeping to crib sleeping - you name it. It's really helped me a lot.

Good luck, it's hard to have a baby and work full time!!

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I agree with Amy. My daughter wasn't ready either. I got looked down upon by family because I would always hold her and "jiggle" her butt to get her to go to sleep at night. Or nurse her. They said to let her cry it out but at that age she wasn't ready. Do what works for now and don't worry about later. The time will come when he is ready to sleep on his own...it's just not right now. My daughter is 15 months old soon and in the past month or so will go to sleep in her own crib by herself in the dark bedroom with just her Glo Bear on for comfort against the dark, her Bunny and Blanket that she takes everywhere. It works for us. Just be patient... it will come soon enough.

I do understand that you must be tired working full time (I do too) and some nights you think to your self "I just can't keep doing this!" Just take it easy and relax. Sleep as much as you can how ever you can that works for your family. It will come soon enough ... I promise.

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Every parent is different as is every child but my daughter is almost 5 and still wants to climb into our bed every morning. I think we live in a society that makes us feel this is wrong but many other cultures sleep in a family bed. And your babe is so young he just wants to be close to his mama who he was a part of for nine long months. There is a good book called The no Cry Sleep Solutions, that has a bunch of great ideas. I'm just saying that it's normal and I am a firm believer in NOT letting them cry it out. It all takes time and even though you feel tired now (Im sure) it goes by so fast. Your doing your best and he's still so small.

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K. - I'm a pediatric nurse in a hospital and a mother to one. I feel your pain my friend - one thing a baby has to be able to figure out himself is how to self-sooth. Many do it with a pacifier - my daughter did it with her blanket, many children have an in-crib music/light machine - whatever it is, that is a development a child must have. If you have tried all those things, and your child still cries - then I think you only have one option at this point. I think a crib is a great idea - your child needs its own space, and it's much too easy to just reach over and pick him up when he cries. I hate to tell you this - but the "just cry it out" method, when it comes to a kiddo like yours usually ends up being the only way - and I also hate to tell you - but 40-45 minutes is NOT a long time. I know it seems like it to you - but my dear friend's child was 2 1/2 and STILL in their bed because she had developed a habit - and that's where you are at right now - your son has developed a habit of sleeping in his bed, and that habit WILL continue until the routine is broken. Buy a crib - put it in another room - love him, feed him, change him - put him in his crib - and then you have to wait him out. My friend did this and it took a week! Yes, a week of her crying for 2 1/2 hours - but in the end - she was in her bed, and they were in theirs. Set a pattern now, because when the dreaded 2's and 3's come, your son needs to know that he doesn't run the family - you do. Good luck!

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He's not ready. don't force it. five months is really little! i have a 12 month old who still fights going to sleep on her own sometimes. it's a development thing. it's ok to let the baby cry sometimes -- and sometimes you HAVE to -- but at 5 months there is no reason on earth to just insist on letting him scream either. schedules are not part of life for most babies that age. i'd say do what you need to do to get him to sleep. things change fat in the first year... even though sometimes it doesn't seem like it. if he needs you right now, he needs you. good luck... he will be in his own bed soon, i promise.

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I found with my daughter if i placed her blanket over us when i nursed her and used the same blanket to put her down to bed she would sleep most of the night (of course she would wake for her midnight feeding). I would sometimes have her daddy cover himself with her blanket for a bit and that would work well to. Good Luck!

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