He HATES to Sleep!!

E.- I feel your pain. We are going through something similar with our almost 4 yo. As far as naps go, many children give up their naps by age 3, and I find this is often related to the time they get up in the morning and how much activity they have (ex: a child that gets up at 6A or a child who has much structured activity through a daycare all day, may need a nap, but if they get up at 8 or 9, they probably won't). I have instituted "quiet time" where from 130-330 she has to go to her room and she can quietly do whatever she wants. The 2 helpful things I have tried recently are, a. the TV goes off at 115, and b. I try to always get her up at 330, even if she falls asleep at 3, otherwise, nightime is a nightmare. As for nighttime, mine doesn't yet get out of bed, but will scream for hours. Gradually over the last couple of days this has gotten a little better. If your boy gets out of bed, I don't know if you ever watch Nanny 911 or Supernanny (I know, it can be unrealistic and is probably staged), but frequently they have that situation. The first time, you tell the child, "it's bedtime." and you put them back to bed. No other converstation is given. The second time and all other times they are up that night, you give them no conversation or eye contact and you don't indicate how annoyed you are, and you put them back to bed. If they sense your agitation or you engage them in conversation, they realize that what they are doing is working and they keep it up. Most of the people on that show go through about an exhausting 2-3 hours of putting their kids back to bed the first night, and 1-2 hours the second, and by the third or fourth night, if they stick with it, their kids are back in bed. A lot of parents have also told me to give a sticker or reward chart if they stay in bed all night. You should also strip his room of most of his most prized toys until he can stay in bed. A pediatrician I work with told me that it will probably be 3 weeks of hell and eventually it will get better. I am at week 3 right now. I find that shutting off the TV an hour before bed also helps. I liked the melatonin suggestion from another mom. I'll have to discuss that one with the ped.

As far as why he hates sleeping, he probably doesn't. But 4 year olds have vivid imaginations and they don't want to miss out on anything. He probably thinks you guys are having these wonderful parties without him and he is missing out.

Let me know if anything works for you!

Based on my experience with a similar 4 year old, this is less about disliking sleep and more about spending more time with parents or getting your attention. By playing with toys or getting out of bed, or by drawing out the nighttime routine, he is getting your attention. You should re-read your note because it sounds like your smart child has figured out how to manipulate you both into spending more time with him.

I would sit down with your husband, set a night time and nap time routine and stick to it and not let it get prolonged. There is nothing more important to a child then good sleep.good about a child missing out on sleep. Good luck.

The only thing that I would add is to cut off the t.v. and/or other stimulating activities one hour before bedtime. Make sure that he is calm/playing quietly at least an hour before you even begin the routine. Also, check his diet to make sure that he is not getting any caffiene (It's not just in soda, but in tea and chocolate too). Last, try asking him if there is a reason that he doesn't want to sleep- i.e. scared of the dark, nightmares, etc.. Hope this helps!

E.,
my daughter was a sleep-resister from birth and still is at age 10...(i am also a sahm, btw.) this despite being in my bed, then in her own bed in my room. some bright kids just seem to have a really hard time letting go of the conscious world. at around age 4, even good nappers are usually giving up on naps, so it's not surprising that he won't do those. it sound like you have covered the bases as far as good bedtime rituals etc, and with mom at home he isn't dying for your attention like some kids. one thing to check is his diet---additives of various types or undiagnosed food sensitivities can make kids have a hard time winding themselves down for rest. you can try a few drops of lavender oil on the pillow, and choose very soothing, calm, happy stories to read. at his age, greater mental sophistication can make them easily disturbed by a story or image. some kids (& adults) benefit from a cup of warm milk w/ or w/o honey before bedtime. while i am not a fan of giving kids pills on a daily basis, the "rescue remedy" lozenges can be a help. you can also do a reiki/healing touch kind of thing for kids, in which you place your hands on different energy centers from feet to head; it's very calming and grounding. i've taught my daughter to do it for herself mentally, and it's quite helpful. (message me if you need the technique described.) i do wish you luck with this.

does he need a nap during the day? just wondering... i have a 4yo boy and altough i would like it if he napped (having some time to myself... lol) he hasn't napped in over a year... he does fine during the day (isn't grumpy or anything) so i let go of the dream of nap time... (he also was difficult to get to nap- unless i was there with him...)
if he doesn't nap does he fall asleep more easily at night?

E. he might have given up the naps. i have heard it happens as early as 3 yrs old but by 4 a lot of kids don't take naps. maybe the struggle that is going on during naptimes has become a routine for him at bedtime. you might want to consider 'quiet time' for him instead of 'naptime.' give him the choice to either sleep or have some quiet time but it will have to be in his room for a time you decide, for example 1 hr. my brother's 4 year old son has given up naps. so around 1 pm they take him to his room, with toys lying around and tell him that when quiet time is over they will come get him. a lot of days he just falls asleep waiting or he is really awake, whether he has been playing in his room, crying or what not.
also bedtime is bedtime. after you're done reading and singing to him you say good night and get out of the room. he will have a fit for a few nights or even a week, as long as you have a monitor with you to hear whether his cry changes to hurt cry. don't leave anything in his room that he may get hurt with or by. also consider a gate for outside his room.
the gate has worked wonders for us. even though my 3 year olds' bedtime is 8 pm, they talk and play until 10 the latest but never attempt to get out of the room because they know there's the gate.
good luck
vlora

E.,

Please if you find something that works let me know :) I also have a very active & bright almost 3 1/2 year old with similar issues. We have been fighting sleep for 1 1/2 years. The melatonin idea is wonderful. It was recommended to me by a developmental pediatrician I worked with at a children's hospital. It helps children fall asleep. It may not help with them staying asleep as that is not it's purpose. They sell it at Rite Aid or GNC. GNC makes a brand that is 1 mg and they suck on it. My son loves them and takes 2 mg nightly. This has made the falling asleep go from a 2 hour process to a 15 minute process. Depending on the night he is up anywhere from 1-3 times, unless he makes it into bed with us then he sleeps fairly sound. We rarely allow this, but it occasionally happens. I am also thinking dropping the nap might be wise for your situation. I hate to do it, but I think that is where I am headed too. We have had a rough 2-3 months with naps to the point of giving him 1 mg melatonin at nap too. Then he is out and sleeps soundly for 2 hours. Unfortunatly if I don't have him nap he is absolutely HARD to deal with until bed time. I am lucky I also have a wonderful, busy, bright 17 month old girl who has had sleep difficulty too. Some of it is because of her brother, but some is her own problems. So, that is my story and what we are trying to do. Maybe we should get the kids together to run around and wear themselves out!

FYI-- After reading all your responses I decided to drop my almost 3 1/2 year old's nap to see how he is doing. Since we started this 2 days ago he has slept 10-11 hours straight through! Finally. Now later evening has been a little rough, but we are working through it. You may want to try this (with the melatonin :))

E., I know exactly what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my son 2 years ago. He is now 6 and sleeps great. He gave up afternoon nap at 17 months. I still put him in his room with a gate and 2 or 3 of his favorite toys for an hour quiet time. When he turned 3 bedtime became a battle of the wills. I found that like you we had a bedtime routine but he still fought it. I used a gate that was useless - he climbed it. What I did before bedtime was in addition to the normal routine we added what we were doing the next day and said well we can't do it because if you don't go to sleep you'll be too tired. I would then leave him. I would stay upstairs and every time he tried to leave his room I would ask him to go back to bed. It was a long 2 weeks but he finally stayed in bed. If he got in our bed he would sleep but wake up anytime we would move. So we wouldn't let him sleep with us. He is now 6 goes to bed great but we will never forget those six months of sleep issues. Good luck! Just remember that it is only temporary and he should outgrow it.

I have a friend that went through the same thing with her son, he's 7 now and sleeps just fine. You should talk to your doctor about trying to give your son some melatonin, that's the natural herb that the body produces to help the body/mind sleep. Your sons nap may not be nearly as important as his good night of full rest. Talk to your pediatrician and he will tell you if melatonin is the way to go. My girlfriend her son was 4 as well, and began to only sleep 2-3 hours a night, it got progressively worse and he was ill all the time due to the lack of sleep. The doctor told her her to try the melatonin and WA LA! Perfect, he no longer takes the pills but sleeps like a baby!! It's nice too because it's not habit forming, and it's not a drug, it's a natural substance the body produces anyway, and maybe his body doesn't produce enough. Good luck to you, that's got to be rough for you all!! Good luck sleepy boy!

Hi E.,

I feel for you. The best advice I could give you is to try to keep him doing physical activities during the day so that when bedtime rolls around he is too tired to fight it. I would not force the nap time since if he does have a nap he won't be as tired at night.You could also try a relaxing bubble bath for him before bedtime also.

L.

E., I agree with Leslie about the naps. A lot of children give up their naps as early as two years of age so I would suggest that maybe he does not need a nap. Maybe instead of a nap you could have him quietly watch a movie for an hour or have quiet time playing in his room. By bed time he should be ready to go to sleep. You may even move his bedtime earlier since he won't be napping during the day. Good luck :)
T.

Hi E.! I am a SAHM to 3 (almost 11, 8 and 3). I absolutely had to respond to this. My oldest child has never been good at getting to sleep. The only difference between your story and mine is that my daughter would and still will sleep all day if not woken up. Once she is out, she is OUT! However, I noticed there were a few responses for you that said that it was only temporary, just shut the door etc. I just feel that I have to tell you my story.

From the time my daughter was born, we tried to get her to fall asleep on her own. She would cry and cry for hours. Around 18 months old, we decided that it was time to get serious. We put a baby gate across her door, gave her a bath, read her a story, sang to her until she was starting to get "floppy" and laid her in her crib. The moment she hit the bed she was standing up screaming. We told her good night and left the room. We waited 20 minutes and went back in. We calmed her down and left again. We did this for 3 hours, increasing the amount of time we were gone by 10 minutes each time. The last time we waited an HOUR!! She would not go to sleep. Throughout this, she opened her door, climbed over the gate on her door and over the gate on our door after she opened our door. We put both gates on her door. She knocked them down. We locked our door. She banged her head on it. Finally, after 3 hours, we were exhausted and decided it was too dangerous to continue this route because she was going to hurt herself trying to get to us. This went on every night for a week. There are those that say we shouldn't have given in at all. But when you are worried about your child's safety, you do it. We tried again when she was older, around 3. By then she was old enough that the gates did no good. It was the same thing all over again. We just decided to get her to sleep and then put her in her bed. We got a few hours by ourselves before she would wake up and walk into our room. When she was 7, I was pregnant with the third one and it was too much. By then, she was old enough to at least understand what we were telling her. She wasn't happy. We started with her sleeping on a mattress on our floor. Then, we set a date and she moved to her own bed. I still would lay down with her until she fell asleep but she would stay there all night. Now, at almost 11, she will go to bed when it is time. But she will lay there for hours and not be able to get to sleep. Bedtime is 8:30. She is NEVER asleep before 10. She will remember all sorts of things she needed to tell me once she is up there in bed. I have just come to accept that my daughter will not fall asleep before 10 p.m. and as long as she gets up ok for school, I'm ok with that. Her bedtime is still 8:30....I just know she won't be asleep before 10. And to top all that off, she started playing field hockey in school this year. I really thought that after a 2 hour practice, homework, dinner and a bath, she would be passing out by 8. Nope. Not my kid. Still 10. Go figure. Some kids are just wired that way!

As far as naptime, it is very possible that he is ready to give that up. Many kids do by 3 years old. And it may help make him a little more ready for bed. Maybe not.

The point of all of this, is that you have to find a way that works for you and your child. YOU have to be comfortable with what you are doing. There are many that would say I should have forced my child to cry all night long every night until she finally fell asleep. I could not sit there in my room and listen to my child cry that long. There is no set way to raise your child. If there was, they would issue us manuals at the hospital. Every child is different. My other 2 children don't have the sleep issues that my oldest does. I have had to adjust my sleep schedule with each one of them to match what their bodies are wired to do.

Good luck with figuring out how to deal with this. I know it isn't easy. Just remember that YOU are the only one who has to be comfortable with what you are doing (as long as it's legal! :).

T.

E., I think sleep issues are the most frustrating because they affect the quality of the whole family's life and can really wear everyone down. I don't have any magic answers but I have been very impressed with the Nanny TV shows (Super Nanny and Nanny 911) attention to this issue and real success with the same problems. It often involves stating new bedtime routines/rules to the child and then consistently enforcing them (that's the hard part) You might also check Dr. Harvey Karp's book, Happiest Toddler on the Block for more ideas. Good luck!!

It is possible he has nightmares, and is afraid to go to sleep. Try asking him if he sees scary pictures when he sleeps, and if so, discuss them. My little girl had nightmares after eating balogna, and reacted the same way - not wanting ot go to sleep, so this is something to check out.

Nap time, at this age, should be translated to "rest" time. Use an egg timer so he knows when it will end, tell him he need only lie down, if he sleeps, wake him when the timer goes off, no matter what, and he'll at least rest.

What happens when he skips the nap? Is he ready to drop it? Most four year olds that we know (and we know a lot of them, as my daughter is 4 1/2) don't nap and haven't napped for a long time. My daughter gave it up around 2 1/2 years old.

Make sure he is getting lots of exercise ... let him run until he drops. Planning playground time or some activity during the afternoon doldrums should help him get those jiggles out and be ready to sleep when it is time.

Some moms I know also experiment with diet when their kids don't sleep well. Does he have a sensitivity to dairy or wheat? Just some ideas. Good luck! -- L.