Having Twins

A.,
Congrats to you on your expected arrival of the twins! We have three beautiful children- our son was 21 months old when we welcomed our boy/girl twins, who are now 10 1/2 months. First, I can't tell you how blessed you are to be having twins! They're an absolute joy and I wish you the best!

First, let me say I see that you'll be relocating to Japan, which I don't think many people caught. Not sure if they have MOPS groups there, but would think since you'll have no family nearby, it might be great to meet some other military moms that you can network with that will eventually allow for you to have playdates for your little girl once in awhile (who will be 2 1/2 upon their arrival)... Don't panic, though- i've done it with pretty much zero family nearby (one sister-in-law about 20 minutes away but she works FT and has two of her own kids), in-laws that live out of state, and my whole family 3+ hours away).

Our experience has been a great one. I was dead-set on nursing the twins (as I did our first son up to a year)...however a mis-read ultrasound put our daughter at nearly a lb. less than her actual weight (at 35 weeks/4 days), which caused them to induce me the following day. As my son spent a few days in the NICU due to premature lungs, they were started on formula and nursing. As it turns out, I was doing about 50/50 until they were about 3 months, when I went into the ER... tests revealed it was dehydration- with nursing twins and having a 2 year old I found it challenging to eat and drink enough to keep up with the demand for two... and at four months, finally conceded to formula feeding. It was very hard to me for a long time however looking back, I don't know how I'd have done it logistically (though some do).

We talked to our son about the babies that would be coming home- never did specific books, etc... I do remember feeling sad for him the night before my induction, knowing that it was his last night with his dad and I to himself... but he's adjusted beautifully. From time to time he does pick on them (his brother more than his sister)- though I think it's natural sibling interaction, not to mention he's sometimes simply a little more rough than he realizes. I think there are some moments where he's experiencing SOME jealousy (which is only natural)- but he loves them dearly and is constantly giving hugs and kisses and is very concerned about and likes to play with them. We keep talking to him about what a big boy he is- and find that the more I let him help with anything possible, the more excited he gets. I don't think he even remembers what it was like before they came along. It's hard at first withe sleep deprivation, but I try to spend the twins' nap time with him giving him my undivided attention.

The one lifesaver that I implemented after reading, was advice in a sleep book about putting them down drowsy. (I was home with my son until he was 7 1/2 months, so had all the time in the world and he was always nursed and/or rocked to sleep). As they got older (3-4 months) it got more difficult to hold them/feed at the same time, and I couldn't really rock them to sleep... so started watching for the signs and putting them down when they were tired, and they learned to put themselves to sleep. This was critical as I NEVER had to do the cry it out method.... and has made all the difference. They're now on a solid schedule (in unison... I wouldn't knock myself out with that for some time- my kids were all early teethers (my twin daughter started at 3 1/2 months and is now getting #11 and 12).... being that they were in the same room combined with teething, I probably ran in and gave a 4 oz bottle faster than I should have as I didn't want one to wake the other... but it definitely all worked out...They're great sleepers now (nap and bedtime)...

Hope that gives you a some food for thought. If anything else comes to mind I'll post another reply- just relax and enjoy as you're in for a WONDERFUL experience!

Good luck!

There is a group called Multiple Connections, it is a great place for moms of multiples. My mother-in-law joined 30 years ago when she was pregnant with my husband and his brother. Here's the link to their website: http://www.multipleconnectionsmn.org/

Hi A.,
Congratulations! Here are my thoughts: get some age-appropriate books at the library or bookstore that will help your daughter understand what is going on (pregnancy/new baby in the house). Also, start having a couple of dolls around the house all the time. Use them to familiarize her with the things she will see (changings, naps, feedings, etc), but especially to help her learn how to treat babies, and be accustomed to you giving them attention. Towards the end the dolls should go with you everywhere, use the double stroller, etc. Also, set aside some small gifts for her to open whenever well-wishers arrive with "something for the twins."

One of the challenges that you may anticipate is that you absolutely will not be able to chase a toddler while carrying babies. Train your daughter now to listen to your every word, exactly, so that you can safely go on outings. Figure out how you will make sure that she stays right by you and does not go into the street during walks, etc.

Plan on getting a sitter, or whatever you need to be able to have 1:1 with your daughter after the twins are born. At a minimum, this should be once a week until she is grown. As a preschooler, once a week will still feel like about once a year to her! It is very important that she can count on that "special time" with her Mom, no matter what. It may take the form of a class in something she enjoys (i.e. parent/child swim class), but should occur whether there is class that week or not. It can even be a simple trip to the park. This investment helps to avoid a lifetime of resentment towards her siblings. She will still have times when she is jealous and at her age, she will demonstrate that by acting out. You can still minimize these issues as much as possible. The more you can help her develop her verbal skills during this time, the better. Start with toddler books about feelings so that she has some more words to be able to communicate with you. Help her learn how to express herself verbally as much as possible; this should be a daily focus. That way, when she gets jealous/angry/frustrated (and she will), she has a chance at telling you about it and feeling understood. Teach her how to manage the different feelings in appropriate ways (i.e. taking deep breaths). It will still be hard for her to do these things, so she needs all the help you can give her. Expect that she will show some regressive behavior as she adjusts to the new babies, but you will stroke her for using her "big girl" ways and it will pass.

It is so wonderful that you are looking ahead on how you will be able to help your daughter with this huge adjustment. It may seem a little early, but in this case you are going to be so busy with the physical needs of three babies (I consider a 2 yr old to still need all the atten of a baby), that starting to read now about parenting your small bunch will pay dividends later. I recommend "Siblings without Rivalry," "How to Talk so your children will listen and listen so your children will talk," and "1,2,3 Magic." Those books were very helpful to me. I ended up reading them multiple times, but you are going to be busier so that is why I suggest getting started now. It will also give you a chance to envision some of the things that you know will happen (i.e. there will be a rough day with the twins at some point, and that is exactly when you may expect your daughter to pitch a big one). Anticipating those moments will help you to be ready and know what you want to do.

These children sure are lucky to have a Mom who cares enough to plan ahead! Have fun with your little ones.
J.

Hi A.....I tell you, I had many teary episodes myself before my second child was born. I was so concerned about what this would "do" to our first born's perfect little world. As exciting as thoes new babies are, we as moms always feel for the emotional part of the other kiddos too! Our oldest son was 23 months when his brother came along. We really didn't dwell too much on the baby coming home, it was mentioned as we got the room ready, got the carseat in, all the baby stuff out, etc. As we prepared for the birth, we took our oldest to the store to pick out a "Welcome to our family" present for the baby just from him. Then we also bought a "Big brother present" from the baby. We had it wrapped and brought it to the hospital for him to open the first time he came up to meet the baby. Once home and settled in, I found myself saying to our oldest, "just a minute" or "in a minute" or "when I am done with the baby" ALOT. Feeling bad/guilty I started saying it to the baby also. I knew the baby wasn't really understanding, but it was more to show our oldest that the baby didn't always come first. For example, if our oldest and I were reading a book and the baby started crying, I would say outloud, "I will be there in a minute, when I am done reading this book with your brother." I think it made him feel good to know he still came first once in a while. We also tried really hard to always put the baby down to hug/kiss/acknowledge him when he got up in the morning/after naps/home from grandmas/etc. All that being said, there were times of obvious jealousy and we tried to empower him to help us "solve the problem." If he would whine when we went to get the baby, we would say, "oh, the baby sounds upset...what should we do about it?" Almost always the answer from our son was, "mommy/daddy should go get the baby." Somehow, it made him feel like a part of helping the baby, and not being so resentful that we were leaving him to help his brother. I haven't read any of the other responses yet, but I am sure others will say to have a box of activities/toys only to be played with at nursing/feeding times for the babies. We did this also for our boys (now 5 & 3) when their baby sister arrived last year. They each had a rubbermaid tub of "stuff" to do while sister ate....cool crayons, special cars, manipulative type toys, notebooks, etc. They got them out when I started to feed, and as I was done they picked them all up, put them back in the box until the next feeding. It worked like a charm for us :) Best of luck as your family grows...and moves to Japan! Enjoy learning your new family dynamics....it is such a fun (tiring too) time :)

HI A.:

Congrats to you and your expectant twins. I, too, am the mother of identical twin boys. They were our second and third born. We had a three year old at the time of there arrival. He had just turned 3! I expected it to be alot worse that is was. He actaully did really well. The only comment that was made when the babies were coming home was if I could leave them at the hospital and come home. Ya see, I went into preterm labor at 29 weeks and had to be in the hospital for the duration (delivered, induced to boot, at 36 weeks). Needless to say, his world was turned upside down in a day! No wonder he wanted me home and not them! All 3 of them were in the same room for almost a year...crazy i know but when you aren't expecting it, that is how it goes. It went really well. I felt as though I wasn't going to have enough love to go around but we do...it surely wasn't as hard for me the second time around with 2 as it was the first with one! Although it is going to be a change, it is all good. Everyone adjusts because this is the life that was dealt to you. It is amazing what you will see between them....expect to hear the dumb comments and really, take them with a grain of salt. We are blessed to have this happen to us! No-one can take that away!

Good luck to you..I would love to keep in touch and see how you are doing. It is all going to be great! Take care of yourself!

M.

Hi A.,
First of all congrats on expecting twins. I had twin girls the 2nd time around as well. My older daughter was 27 months when they were born. For the twins, Schedule, Schedule, Schedule, this was advice I received when I was expecting and it was the best. If one twins gets up to eat make sure you get the other up as well. When possible I fed them always at the same time. It helped with diapering as well--one went so did the other. Have them nap at the same time and sleep on the same schedule. This will allow you to get the most sleep you can. Also, we had the twins sleep together and the seemed to be comforted with the other in the crib. The stayed in the same crib until they were 6-7 months old. Now, they're 7, the still enjoy sleeping in the same bed even though they have bunk beds. They are comforted by the closeness.

As for the older daughter, we had our oldest be mommy's helper. She would go get diapers, wipes, blankets and toys. She felt like a big girl. I would also have some snuggle time with her after I finished feeding the twins or they were napping. When the twins were a little older I had her help with giving them a bottle and she enjoyed it.

On another note, just to let you know that when you go in public ie, grocery stores, malls, restuarants, you'll receive alot of attention. Everyone and their mothers will want to see the babies. People will seek you out which at first is okay them later I would avoid eye contact because going to the stores with the girls was time too consuming. People will ask alot of questions and offer help constantly. In fact when leaving a restaurant I had a person offer to take one of the twins to my car, only to get offended when I said I was fine. A total stranger thought I would allow him to carry my child to the car. Some people are nice for offering but don't think before speaking.
Having twins is very special. Having to set of eyes looking at you or smiling at you. It's a great experience that not all people get to enjoy and cherish. (FYI: When the twins are old enough for preschool and if your district offers preschool then they'll be free under the government program as special circumstances--which real helps the pocketbook) Congrats again and enjoy every minute it does go fast even though you might not think so at that moment. L.

Congratulations! This is an exciting time. It is also a very overwhelming time. I would definitely recommend joining a multiples group in your area such as the Minnesota Valley Mothers of Multiples(http://www.mvmom.org) group. While it can be difficult to attend the meetings and subgroups, I have found great value in just reading the online forums (at all hours of the night) and going to the twice yearly sale. Similar to Mamasource, you'll get great advice from people in your same (not similar) situation.

You will also find a great deal of support should you have any complications, such as bedrest, which is pretty common late in a twins pregnancy. They have a designated bedrest coordinator that can help organize meals and listen if you just need to talk. When my boys were born 5 weeks early (another fairly common twin senario), I called the "preemie closet" coordinator and she send me a big box of boy clothes that got us through the four-six weeks before they were ready for newborn clothes.I just sent them back (with a few new additions) when I was done.

Life with twins and a singleton is going to be a challenge so you'll need to ask for lots of help and seek the advice of those who KNOW what you are going through (just like here at mamasource). It can be of great comfort to learn from people who have done this and survived! I swear some of those mum's with triplets PLUS singletons make it look so easy! It really puts having twins into perspective. Good luck and best wishes.

Hi A.-
My son was 27 months when my twins were born. It was difficult having one on one time with him, it seemed I would tell him just a minute constantly. I did have my mom and mother-in-law come as often as possible to help with the babies and then it was strictly my time with him. Sometimes we'd go to the park, others just to Target or the grocery store, but it was just the two of us and that's what was important. Another thing to remember- when people come to visit and see the twins, your daughter may feel left out, my family and friends made sure they spent a few minutes with my son before seeing the babies, maybe even brought him a special little treat ( a matchbox car or small book once in a while). Looking back (my girls are 9), I wish I could have managed it better, but I think they are all three doing fine. BIG ADVICE for you... Ask for help when you need it! People are willing to help- take them up on their offers!
GOOD LUCK!! It's going to be a wonderful experience!

I would really encourage you to seek out and join a MOM (Mother's of Multiples) group! I wish I had known about the very active online forum they also have. What a great resource of information! I had assumed since I couldn't make it to the monthly (optional) meetings, what would be the point of joining?? WOW! Was I wrong! Once my B/G twins were almost 15 months old and I felt like my life was finally resembling some kind of normalcy I finally joined and went to a meeting. It was absolutely AMAZING to be in a room full of women where your day to day experiences, battles, frustrations and celebrations were similar to yours and they understood!! Unfortunately, my husband and I do not have family that is close to where we live so if you do have family close by - enlist their help right away for when the babies come home from the hospital! Oh, and if you are interested the group I joined is: http://mvmom.org/ It's an amazing group of women! GOOD LUCK! It's a wild ride! :-)

A.,

Congrats to you and your family! I have boy/girl twins via in vitro...but no other kids. However, I would suggest that you include your daughter with the care of the twins. For example, have her hand you the wipes or ointment. Have her sing to the babies or pick out a book that you will read to them. Make sure she understands how important her role as the "big sister" will be. Preparing her now may make things go smoother for you!
I think that it is easier to raise twins than singletons. They play with each other and much less food is wasted because one always seemed to be finishing what the other didn't want. I chose to breastfeed, so I needed two boppies to help support them so they could eat at the same time.
Good luck!
J.

Make sure you have some help lined up for after the babies are born. If you are exhausted finding time to shower will be hard let alone quality time with your daughter. Postpartum doulas (DONA.org) are a real help at this time, particularly overnight. If that is not in your budget, line up family and friends so someone is with you at least part of every day for the first month or two. Twins can be a lot of fun if you are rested enough to enjoy them. Also having special toys that only come out when the babies are feeding can make Mom's time with babies less stressful for her.

Hi A. - Congratulations on your exciting news. My twin boys were my 2nd and 3rd as well. My daughter was 19 months when they were born. We were extremely suprised yet thrilled to be blessed that way. I have one regret from when they were born that I will share with you. They were born at 35 weeks so they were hospitalized for three weeks before we were able to bring them home. At that time, I felt so compelled to be at the hospital nearly 24/7 with my boys so we could bond, that i did not spend much time with my daughter. Their conditions were not very medically complicated and looking back I know the boys were in very good hands with the hospital staff. I wish I would have tried to balance some time with my daughter as well as my sons, especially after coming off a month of bedrest. My daughter was quite clingy to my husband during that time, but she adjusted well. My kids are now 5 and 3.5 and they all have such a blast together being so close in age. Although having three kids in less than two years was challenging. Best of luck to you and your family!

A., Congratulations on expecting twins. What a miracle. You may be surprised at how well your daughter handles being the older sister. I have triplets through In-Vitro, so I have a lot of connections with other mothers of multiples. Many of those mothers are in your exact situation...they had one single child then had twins. See if you can find a local mothers of multiples club to tap into. The one here in Des Moines IA allowed me and another expecting mom (who happened to be pregnant with twins with an toddler daughter) attend a meeting free to see if it was what we needed or expected. I made some great connections there. You can attend while you are still pregnant because they/we can give you a lot of support along the way.

I also know of several mom's who have twins that I knew when they were pregnant. They complained about the weight of their belly. I let each of them borrow my "belly belt" to help with the weight as it helped me with my triplets. They both were very appreciative and admitted that the belly belt helped a ton. I tried several, but the one I loved and believe helped me the most was one I bought at Babies R Us. It is the Especially for Mom Maternity Support Belt that looks odd and is three pieces.

If you want to keep in touch or have any questions, please feel free to contact me at ____@____.com luck to you.

I read that the first time your older sibling meets the new babies you should not be holding any baby. Have your arms free for your older child to come sit and cuddle with you when meeting them for the first time and as often as possible. I have only been able to take my daughter out twice by ourselves since our baby is born, but once in a while we run to the park quick or walk around the block just the two of us, and she really appreciates those times. Reading books is something you can do together while nursing or feeding baby. Sitting on the floor while feeding baby makes it easier to play games with your child too. (It feels like I'm always nursing, and stuck on the couch, and that is the hardest thing for big sister.)