Having Some Sort of Post Dramatic Stress from Post Partum 5 Years Ago

I definately agree that finding a good therapist that is trained in techniques that work with PTSD is essential. I also suggest you look for a good hypnotherapist that does regression therapy. Even if you don't believe in past lives, the symbology of the "past life" can help shift things in a dramatic way. Regression therapy can work wonders on issues that don't seem to make sense--like the bad feelings around another person for which there seems no clear explanation. If you want more information a great book is "Many lives, Many masters" by Brian Weiss.

I don't have anything earth-shattering to say, but have you tried Dr. Laura? I love her because she'll tell you like it is and let you decide to take her advice or not. I have never been through the type of depression you're describing, but I was depressed for a year after my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage. When I finally was able to get pregnant with my eldest son, I valued every moment of that pregnancy as precious time with that child. When he was born, I was grateful for his crying because it meant his lungs were healthy. I literally was grateful for years because of the loss that made me realize what a gift motherhood was. All I can think to recommend to you is that when you have those bad thoughts, you imagine your life without your daughter and how much you'd miss her. Of course you'll have frustrated moments, but try to think about what would happen if she died tomorrow. That helps me be more patient with my boys, now all three of them. It's getting pretty frustrating, so I'm also trying to remember how precious they are. Anyway, best wishes!

Hi H.. I know you know you're not alone in your feelings but I'll say it again: You are DEFINITELY not alone. All of my SAHM friends agree that being a mother is by far the most emotionally stressful and demanding job one will ever have -- and most of us have had very high-level stressful professional jobs (or at least we thought they were stressful before we had kids). I met a woman this weekend who teaches parenting classes and she told me something interesting. At the beginning of each of her classes, she asks the parents to raise their hands if they've ever thought about leaving their kids. Very slowly, everyone eventually raises their hands. It's so hard for us to admit it. The guilt is incredible. But then she pointed out that everyone has had a job where they got so burned-out, frustrated, angry with their bosses, co-workers, customers, etc, that they've fantasized about walking out the door and never looking back. It made so much sense to me. Why wouldn't we want to quit the most stressful job in the world at some point or another? Why wouldn't we feel burn-out or complacence? Being a SAHM is even worse because you can't go to HR or even have an adult discussion with the person causing your burn-out. You can't change jobs either. There are no bonuses, rewards, or raises. You have co-workers you really like and co-workers you can't stand but you have to tolerate. So maybe relating your different feelings toward your kids to a job outside the home will help. Also keep in mind that mother-daughter relationships are far more complex than mother-son relationships. My best friend has a daughter and is a single Mom. It is very obvious that her daughter gets on her nerves big time. And I don't blame her one bit. I feel for her. Maybe it will help to remember that, when you are really old and can no longer take care of yourself, your daughter is most likely going to be the one that will change your diapers, take you to doctors, let her move in with you, or find you a good caregiver. You will have big time ups and downs with her all your life, but she is the most likely one to be there for you when you need her. Just keep trying to find things you both like to do together and that will help bring you closer.

hi, sweetie-I feel so for you. You are beating yourself up so much! We moms can be so good at guilting ourselves and I really believe that our society reinforces that. I would suggest you see a therapist to talk about your situation. Every penny I have ever spent on therapy has been SO worth it. My therapist helped me to see that thoughts are just that-thoughts-and that action and thought can be miles apart. Also it would be worth exploring if maybe there are some cognitive strategies you could try to give yourself some positive reinforcement when the negative threatens to overwhelm. And I believe I have read that sometimes meds can be helpful with obsessive thought patterns. A good therapist can help you look into these things.

I have three kids myself, ranging from ages 12 to nearly 17 and they all have different personalities and always have-and sometimes I feel like such a bad mom because I don't really feel like I know them as they are growing and changing and don't let me in. Such is life and it isn't all about me and doesn't indicate that I am a bad mom...and in your situation, it doesn't mean that you are, either.

I think that anything we parents can do to enrich our lives is a positive thing so kudos to you for looking at taking some classes! And check out Ayelet Waldman's new book, "Bad Mother"...best thing I have read about mothering in a LOOOOOOOOOOONG time...

Hugs to you and hang in there, honey.

Did you get help for the post-partum depression 5 years ago, or did you just "tough" your way through it. The fact that you continue to have thoughts about hurting your child when they are acting wild is not normal. I was fortunate to not face this with my first child and was only moderately down with my daughter (and only for a few days - my hubby was there to pick up the slack when it happened and his support really helped), but what you describe sounds worse than post-partum depression. It sounds like it borders on post-partum psychosis. There is no shame in this. Depression is a disease involving a chemical imbalance in your brain. Just because it involves emotions and thoughts we think we should tough it out or "think" ourselves better. My sister deals with depression constantly, but since she has accepted that hers is a chemical deficiency (brought on by puberty, exacerbated by an early hysterectomy) she willing takes medicine to make her better. If you had diabetes (another chemical deficiency, but in your blood instead of your brain) you wouldn't avoid taking insulin? Get the help you need to get through this and heal your broken heart -- being a whole mother to both your children.

Hi H. - I know from personal experience that what you are going through is the most awful thing in the world. I experienced this with my first and it felt like I was going absolutely crazy. I have a wonderful bond with my son and I believe it's because I was able to shake the guilt of my feelings and those crazy thoughts that go through one's head with a disease like this. I believe I was also able to bond with him because I fought for him in prayer. I dont know if you are a spiritual person or not but I honestly believe this is a spiritual attack waged on us moms and the next generation.

I was going through this about the same time as when that mom in Houston killed her 5 kids. She said that Satan told her to do it. I thought she was just having some kind of psychological manifestation until I went through it myself.

What helped me is lots and lots of prayer, a 90 day course of medication and EMDR later to help process the trauma and the memories.

If you would like to private message me, please feel free to do so. I live in Parker too.

C.

EDIT: H. - I thought I would tell you how to do EMDR on your own if you want in addition to the other methods you are using. Use this when you start to feel anxious or are having memories or intrusive thoughts. You can do it a number of ways. This is the one I use most is this one because I can do it anywhere even in public -

With middle finger of right hand, touch the middle of your palm on left hand. Then alternate - touch left palm with middle finger on right hand. Alternate the touches back and forth about the speed of the ticking on a clock - tick tock tick tock . . . think about the anxiety you are feeling. The anxiety may actually feel more elevated while you are doing this - that means it's working. Take lots of deep clearing breaths and continue until the emotion starts to decrease.

You can also do this with your kids - while you're talking with them about a bad dream or whatever, just tap on the tops of their feet back and forth.

It's something about the back/forth motion across the midline of your brain. Your eyes follow the motion back and forth and somehow it re-regulates the brain activity.

H. I would recommend grief couseling. a grieving process for that bonding time you lost because of the PPD. therapy would be a good idea--I've struggled with PPD, I know how hear wrenching it can be and to feel like you just don't even want your kid--and the guilt that comes with it. for me the right combination is proper meds being regulated by my psychiatrist, weekly therapy sessions with my counselor (right now I have a great LCSW who specializes in post traumatic stress disorder) and making sure I take time out during the week for myself to refocus. I also set aside time where I let my daughter decide what we are going to do or play and try to see the world from her perspective. it really helps me.
I can't say for certain what your answer will be because our bodies are all different--but I want to commend you for reaching out, please don't stop here. talk to your psychiatrist, get into come counseling--find a support group if it is online or a meet up of moms with PPD. so you don't feel foreign talking to them. (I get frustrated when a mom tells me she had PPD because she cried for a couple of days and didn't know why...there is a HUGE difference between baby blues and PPD!! lol)
you are thinking of taking some classes? that could be helpful if it isn't too stressful--if I were talking to one of my sisters going through this these are the things I would tell her. Don't sit on these feelings, go to a safe environment to process them (in therapy) you should be able to find a therapist who specializes in PPD or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) that can help you process your emotions (or the feeling of a lack of them) and begin to build a bond with your daughter that will last your whole life. Big hug.

H.,
I went through Post partem depression with all three of my girls. My middle one seems to be most affected by it and I have terrible guilt from not being available to her as a baby. She is now 14 and we have both been through therapy including EMDR. It has been great! We now spend time together and are very close. She knows that I would not have hurt her for the world but that I was not in control of my life at that time.

Please know that with counseling and effort you can make things well between you and your daughter. She is young but just knowing that her needs are met will work for now.

Please get help for yourself. It sounds like it is not over for you. Not just guilt but the feelings. You are a good mom or you would have acted on your feelings long ago. What you are going through is difficult but has happened to many other people too, it is just not talked about.

Get counseling for yourself and when she is older, for your daughter. This is something you do for you! Then you will be able to move on and work on your degree and your life!

PS- I did work on my spiritual life as well. I made myself pray for all of us; my husband, each of my girls and especially for myself. Many of us forget to pray for ourselves. It's OK to do that!

H.,

This really sounds like a spiritual issue to me. What is your relationship with Jesus like?

Email me.

T.

H.,

First of all, I want to commend you for bringing this up. I am so sorry for all that you are going through. I learned something very interesting about stressful events in a person's life. When you relive thoughts or memories of a certain event in your life over and over again, it actually creates a pathway in your brain. It is like a trail through a forest - the more often it gets walked on, the more distinct it becomes. The more you think about a certain event or relive memories or thoughts, the more easily your brain to automatically kicks into that pathway whenever something comes up that triggers that memory. So in this case, when you start to feel the stress of your relationship with your daughter, your brain automatically takes you down the pathway of reliving those thoughts and feelings from your PPD. This doesn't mean that you are falling back into depression or that you are dangerous to your family. I would suspect that you would probably never hurt your daughter even if you never did anything else about how you are feeling. However, why live that way when you can get help? Just like replanting pathways through wild areas, your brain can be healed and retrained.

Beating yourself up about random thoughts floating through your head can only be adding to your stress. I have not dealt with PPD, but I have had scary, violent thoughts about my children before, especially when I am stressed and frustrated. I think most moms have these thoughts, they are just too afraid to admit them. The few good, deep, honest friends I have all admit to having the same kind of thoughts about their kids. It starts with the baby that won't stop screaming, and I would venture to guess that it continues throughout parenthood. The worst part about it, I think, is that instead of being able to bring these thoughts out into the open and realizing that they don't need to make us scared and ashamed, we mamas hide them in the dark, terrified of whether they make us bad people or what other moms would think of us if they knew. The truth is, things float through our heads. It's just human nature. I would question how you are reacting to them? Do you dwell on these thoughts? Do they become fantasies? Does thinking violent thoughts about your daughter thrill or satisfy you? It sounds like the answers to all of these are no.

If you're asking if something is wrong with you, I would guess no. However, if you feel like this is affecting your quality of life, or the quality of your relationship with your daughter (and it sounds like it is), now might be a good time to seek some help. Sometimes what you really need is a counselor who can help you talk through what has happened and see the connections. I would start by checking on what mental health benefits are available through your insurance. I was surprised to find that a counselor was fully covered by our insurance, even though I assumed we would have to pay it all out of pocket. If that doesn't work and you can't afford out of pocket, start searching for some other routes. Do you have a church or a place of worship that provides counseling? Many pastors are trained in counseling. You can always ask what kind of training/experience your pastor has. There are also resources available through the city for mental health counselors. Check out the government pages or call your local city office/city hall and ask what is available.

I think the key here is to look for help. You don't have to live with the guilt. You haven't done anything wrong. It's not your fault that you have suffered from depression. You are not a bad person or a baby mom. The fact that you are trying to get help, to improve your relationship with your daughter makes me think that you are, in fact, a very good mother. A bad mother wouldn't care about her relationship with her little girl. I am willing to bet that you can get past the fear, guilt and pain with just a little help. I have some friends who are professional counselors, so if you want to privately email me and tell me where you are located, they might be able to point you in the right direction for finding someone who can help. God bless you and your family.

Best of luck,
S. L

Hi H.,
I just completed training in the Emotion Code. It is a simple system to release trapped emotions and heart walls in your body. Trapped emotions are like balls of energy that can impact the energy flow in your body. It can impact your physically and emotionally. Emotions can be inherited, prenatal or trapped during the course of life. Your subconscious mind knows and remembers everything. I've seen amazing things with the people and animals that I've worked with so far. I'm still in my certification cycle, so I'd be happy to help you without any charge. I do live nearby, but could also do it remotely. To learn more about the technique www.drbradleynelson.com.
Please let me know if I can help.
Take care,
S.

Hi H.--
I am not sure how open you are to alternative treatments, but since you sound desperate I thought you might be. I can recommend a couple different things, including something called neuro-emotional technique. I have written a book I think could help you--I'm working on getting it published now, but I could get you a copy. Also, you would probably benefit from some nutritional things to help get your body totally into balance--it sounds to me like your hormones and brain chemistry probably never completely balanced after her birth. I have some other ideas, too, but they are a little more out there and I should probably speak with you about them privately. If you are interested in learning more let me know.
J.

Have you considered going to work? I know it sounds counterintuitive, but maybe you need time away from her so you can appreciate the time you do have together. Just a thought--for me, staying at home with the kids drives me crazy sometimes. And, it sounds like you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself (maybe associated with being cooped up in the house??). Getting out for a long period of time everyday could be the trick. Working does wonders to take my mind off the kiddos. Just a thought.

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry! PPD is so horrid and unfair. I had severe ppd with my daughter. She is six and I still will have guilty feelings when she has problems and acts up and blame myself because I could not be the mother I thought she needed. I still have days I feel like I cant be a good mom. I think it is in our nature to beat ourselves up, even though it was not our fault. I wish I could give you suggestions other than to continue going to a counselor and to be kind to yourself and depending on what thoughts your having and how frequent perhaps discussion about meds with your doctor. The guilt is crippling in our life. I have worked hard with many counselors to learn to let go of the guilt. I dont think some of the angry thoughts go away until you can move on. Also I think when you go through some of the weird thoughts you get during ppd, we are more sensitive to any quick bad thoughts that normal people may not even notice ( dont know if that made sense, its not an eloquent night for me) Not to mention we become so accustomed to overanalyzing anything we think or say.
It sounds like your feeling more connected with your son. I never had any other children after my daughter, but I knew several wonderful moms who had other children after the ppd. I have heard that they have very different relationships with each child, so I think it is normal, heck my mom has favorites among my family and she never had PPD. So there should be no guilt on your part, because you love your little girl or this would not eat you up so much. You sound like a wonderful loving mom who looks out for her children's best interests. You are spending time with her and I think we always feel like we need to do more to make up for the past. We have to let go to heal. I am sorry this is hurting you so. I wish you the best .

Dear H.,
My heart goes out to you. I can somewhat relate to your situation. I have 8 children and they are all so different and honestly I love them all but some of them make it tough.

Realize that every child has a different personality and you are going to relate differently to each child. It's easier to get closer to one and not another and guess what it might not have to do with you. It might be her keeping you at a distance. Children especially when small can pick up on our moods and sense our stress, so now that time has passed and your post partum has past she is still wary. She may be picking up on your feelings. Children are more insightful than they usually get credit for. I am sure she notices that your relationship with your son is easy, natural and with her its more forced.

Cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself for something you really didn't have control over, take a deep breath and then really look at your daughter. Maybe while she is sleeping and not bothering you. Study her face, repeat to yourself all the wonderful things about her that you love. Is she funny?, Is she insightful into other peoples feelings?, Is she a girly girl or not?, Is she smart?, Beautiful? Try to see her as she is, not the baby that caused such a painful time in your life because really she had no more control over that than you did. Look deeply and you will find the peace you are seeking as you forgive her and forgive yourself. Then start anew each day. Remind yourself that she is the result of a great love between you and your husband. When she frustrates you as she will the rest of your life, remember her sweet innocent face when she is sleeping. Remind yourself of all the things that make her unique and wonderful. Prayer never hurts either.

I wish you peace.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds awful and you seem to be beating yourself up about it. If you can, get professional help, these people are trained to help you. Good luck and things will get better.

Hi H.,
You sound similar to me in the fact we are both anniversary people. Meaning the season brings back the fear of your depression.
I highly recommend you see if you can find a professional to talk to. The will help you with sorting your feelings and seeing the positive through all of this.
Life is way to short to feel this way. After all, she is yours only for a little while, then that time is gone and you don't want to have regrets. At times I found myself jealous of the bond the husband and my daughter shared because I felt they were closer. But then I realized there is nothing that compares to a bond between a mother and her daughter. They really are gifts you know. Treat her like a treasure and you will get the same thing in return, although it may take time. Hold her tell her how much you love her and expect nothing in return and you may be pleasantly surprised. Acts of random kindness go very far.

Good Luck & be thankful for what you have.

Hi H.,

I second the advice to see a therapist if you can afford it. I'd also say that at this point, what sounds like a bigger problem for you is not the thoughts themselves, but your reaction to the thoughts (guilt, shame, etc.) Thoughts are just words that float around in our heads, some are good, some are bad, some are downright crazy, but we can't always control them. However, just because we have a thought, that doesn't define who we ARE (you're not acting on them, you sound like a great mom!) and thoughts also don't always reflect reality(ala, "don't believe everything you think" including your judgment of yourself).

So, when the a bad thought goes through your head, try to simply observe it and gently dismiss it/let it go, rather than reacting to it and judging yourself for having it, which simply gives the thought more significance and power. It's hard to do, but you need to realize it's just a thought. So, you might have some random thought "I can't stand my daughter" and instead of then immediately feeling bad and berating yourself "I'm such a terrible mom for having these thoughts. I'm so stressed. Why can't I stop thinking these things?" just try to observe it without judging it "huh, there's that thought popping into my head again" and then try to think about something else. That bad thought isn't YOU, it's just a thought, it's not your reality, so just try to let it go (pretend that thought is just an offstage whisper from someone you don't respect -- it's annoying and stressful, but hearing it doesn't make you a bad person, you just need to eventually sort of tune it out/not react to it as if it defines you.

Not sure if that makes any sense, and harder to do than write about. And again, second the advice to talk to a therapist.

Hi H.,
I'm sorry you can't seem to find a way to feel better and I know that some sort of counseling probably is the best of advice however there is a web site that might be helpful also. www.dooce.com she has suffered with severe post partum depression and has blogged about her experience. She has also written several books. Good luck and I hope you find peace with yourself.

Hi H.. You sound really miserable. I didn't have Post Partum Depression, per se, but the first 6 months or so with my daughter were extremely challenging. I'm assuming you were and are having thoughts of hurting your child and I definitely had and have those thoughts. I felt sooooo ashamed that I was having those thoughts, but I always remembered my midwife who has 5 kids. Before I had my daughter, she said, "There will be days when you want to rip her head off!" and I just always remembered that she had been there, too. I think it is completely normal to be at your wits end with your child and have horrible thoughts as long as you are not going to act on them. You absolutely are not alone.

As far as your guilt now and feeling like you cannot bond or be close with your daughter, I highly recommend doing the Landmark Forum. I did it in April and it has transformed my life and my relationships in countless ways. Its a very intense educational program in breakthrough results. Its unlike anything I had ever done and I have to say I've been around the block as far as personal growth goes. If you google Landmark Forum you will be able to find a center in your area and check out when the next course is offered. I think it would really help you move past what happened when your daughter was young and be able to create a new close relationship with her. I wish you the best.

This seems to be an attachment disorder of some kind, which can happen when you have severe ppd. I had it after my second was born, and as soon as I realized what was going on, I marched my butt into the therapists office and told them what was happening, I was put on meds, monitored, and given some reading to do on different things that I could do to bond with my baby. Its not that I didn't love him, it was the depression, it was all consuming. We now have a great relationship. I would STRONGLY suggest that you get some proffessional help with this situation, its not to late, people adopt and develop very strong bonds with older children all the time and you have been with her since birth so that will make it all the easier to build on the bond that is already there. There is no shame in any of this. Don't beat yourself up or feel guilty. I understand about the heartbreak, its very hard, just remember.. inch by inch, life's a sinch, yard by yard, life is hard.. take it a little at a time. Best of love and luck!!

S.

Dear H.,
There may be many reasons for what you are experiencing. I can get stressed out by my children really fast if I am not at peace in my heart, if I am hungry or tired or hormonal :). All of the above do occur often enough that I find myself facing a challenging moment often enough. I have found that even the toughest problems can be greatly helped in at least one way: prayer. When I am experiencing stress with a child, I need help beyond what I have to give in that moment. I have two choices: if I am able to leave to go into the other room to kneel down and talk to my Heavenly Father privately about it in the moment, then that is a good choice. If I can't leave, then it is a good opportunity to ask your child to pray with you. Praying is a very simple yet powerful aid to parents everywhere, because we have a Father in Heaven who loves us and who really wants to help us. He knows us and our children, and He knows our specific needs at any given moment. So you can just simply address him ("Dear Heavenly Father"), thank him for the chance to be a mother to your wonderful child, and explain the situation. Ask him to help you to know what to do to have peace with that child or to fill your heart with love or patience, etc. I always finish "In the name of Jesus Christ, amen." It's that simple. And it is simply powerful. You will find help beyond your limited ability. Problems get resolved with patience and effort, over time. I know if you put your trust in heaven's hand, you will have the help you need. And you will be able to find other resources that can increase your capacity as well, such as books or friends or even your own children.
I'll pray for you, too! :)
Happy mothering,
L.
P.S. I just remembered this fabulous quote, I think from Henry B. Eyring: "Prayer is the first, middle, and last thing to do."