March 26, 2008,
S.R. asks from Saint Johns, AZ on March 24, 2008
Having Another Child After a Loss....
My husband and I lost our son shortly after birth on July 28th, 2006. He had what is called non immune hydrops(kinda like RH factor). The doctors told us that it was a 1 in 3000 chance that this can happen but that it will never happen again. I was really numb for a long time. It has been almost two years now and i would really like to try again but my husband is like "no way." I have read a lot of books that say you know you are ready to try again if you would be able to deal with the situation if it was ever to happen again. And my answer to that question is NO i dont think a person can ever prepare for what i've had to deal with. Iam content with my daughter but i never imagined having a only child. I think only children miss out on a lot especially the sibling bond. Iam also accepting what has happened and Iam happy for the time I got to spend with my son even if it was only 25 minutes it will be in my heart for ever. I really don't want to wait to long because i want my kids to be close in age so they share some of the same milestones together instead of having nothing in common. Iam confused and ive been reading mama source for a few weeks and maybe some words of wisdom might help....
So What Happened?™
Thank you guys for all your advice... I talked to my husband and we both decided we would put the baby question on the back burner until I finish my nursing school... my big struggle is how to get my husband to open up on the subject he just says it is up to me... men are so different when it comes to things like that... What can you do right?
S.C. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
Have you and your husband ever considered adoption? I'm not talking about the difficult and expensive task of adopting a newborn, I'm talking about choosing from among the THOUSANDS of young children that are currently in the foster system.
If your main goal is for your daughter to have a sibling (and the enrichment another child would bring to your family), perhaps you should consider adopting a child around your daughter's age. Children in the foster system that are five years and older are (sadly) very rarely adopted.
Now, think about your own daughter. What if she were in the foster system? Wouldn't you want a permanent home for her? A stable family to love and protect her?
Some of the children in the foster system are physically and emotionally traumatized, but it's nothing that a loving and stable family can't heal...especially in a child as young as five. And don't these children that have suffered so greatly deserve a chance at happiness?
I'm sorry to preach at you about this, but it's been weighing heavily on my own heart. I've been asking myself why should infertility be the only reason people adopt. I have two beautiful children of my own...does that mean a young child out there without a family doesn't deserve my love?
Anyway, it just seemed like an option I should run by you. Foster care adoptions are government subsidized and virtually without cost. If you're a Christian, pray about this option and see where it leads you.
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C.B. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
My brother and sister in law lost thier first baby in 2004. They had three hours with thier baby. It was really hard for them. I know I could never understand what losing a baby must be like. I first want to say to take all the time you need-that is a hard thing to go through. But also I feel like when my brother and sister in law had another child, it made the greiving process even easier. My sister in law really remembers her son by talking about him with us and how she felt, doing toy drives in his name at Christmas time, and surrounding herself with pictures of him, and always wearing a knecklace representing him. I think these things help her. Hang in there-you've been through a hard thing. I don't think anyone could be prepared to go through that twice-I don't think that that is a good measuring tool to know when your ready. I hope this helps at least a little.
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K.M. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
First of all, let me express my deepest heartfelt sympathy for your loss. Your courage and strength are admirable. Though my situation is a bit different from yours, I can relate on some level. I went through 2 terrible miscarriages and believed it was just not meant to be. It took me a little over a year from the second miscarriage to even consider trying again. I am happy to say, that God blessed me with a beautiful set of twins. My doctor just monitored the pregnancy very carefully. I couldn't allow myself to get excited or hopeful about the pregnancy until the end of the second trimester. Good for you for having hope-I hope this gives you some sort of encouragement. Please stay positive and trust your heart--God bless!
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P.B. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
I understand your pain and you wish to have another child for your daughter's sake. Having just one child in a family can be wonderful and liberating once they get past a certain age. But it can also be lonely for that child. You lost your son after a brief life for him. My condolences to you and your family. I share your pain.
My daughter lost her first son Andrew, just shy of 23 months old, in a tragic car accident a little over a year ago. She told me that she had been wanting another child for her son to grow up with as a friend and a family member so that he would not feel lonely. As it turned out, we found out that she was expecting after the accident. She lost one son and gained a second son, Austin. While we still morn the loss of Andrew, we revel in the grace of having another child in the family to love. It is hard losing a child in such a way. Austin does not take his brother's place but has his own special place.
When you are ready, try to talk to your husband into some counseling as it appears to me that he is still grieving for your lost son. Each person grieves in his or her own time.
I wish you the best and time eases the pain somewhat. Just remember that your son is with God and is loved.
God bless you and yours.
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E.D. answers from Tucson on March 25, 2008
I am very sorry for your loss. I was wondering if you and your husband are particularly religious people? my husband and I had been struggling with the idea of having another child, and since we are very religious, we each prayed to know what we should do. I felt distinctly that we had another child waiting to come to us, but my husband wasn't so sure. after about a year of prayer, he now feels that it is the right time. I don't know if that's something you are comfortable with, but I hope my experience helps you! If your husband believes in a loving Heavenly Father who cares about what we do, and that each child comes from Him, then prayer is the logical answer to find out if you are "meant" to have another. It may also help him (and you) come to terms with your loss. I hope this answer isn't inappropriate or uncomfortable for you. I know that if you follow what's in your heart, it will work out.
C.D. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
I am so sorry for your loss. My dh had the same reaction after each of our miscarriages. He wasn't willing to go through it again. Through some talks, though, he finally came around. We have two healthy children.
Each pregnancy is different, just like each child is different, just as each adult is different. The odds are still on your side. Babies are such a miracle. With all that can go wrong, it's amazing that any of us made it out alive and are here. You just have to trust God and take a shot. Your odds are greater than the financial gambles people take. You did get through your first hurdle: you have become pregnant. More than once, and carried.
After my losses, I was still afraid during each pregnancy. It took the joy of those early days away. As did the morning sickness;). Trust you, your body and take a chance at the odds. Your age also puts things on your side.
Good luck to you. And whatever you do, go with your heart. Later babies are a blessing, also.
S.M. answers from Tucson on March 24, 2008
I have never been a fan of child rearing books. I give a lot of advice to a lot of parents as a part of my job, but I always tell them that only they can really know what's best for their child. No one knows my children like I do, and no one knows your heart like you do. But I can't imagine anyone saying they are prepared to lose a child, whether they have already been through it or not. That seems ridiculous.
So I think you should ignore stupid books from stupid "experts" and think really hard about what is best for you, and your marriage, and your daughter.
Wish you the best.
L.C. answers from Phoenix on March 25, 2008
I cannot imagine ANYONE being prepared to deal with the loss of a child, ever.
My husband lost a child to SIDS 15 years ago, and he was still unsure if he was ready for our little one(2 years old now). He was terrified of suffering another loss, and it took months after he was born for my husband to allow himself to grow close to the baby.
Men are less likely to fully express exactly how devastated, scared, and sad they are, and it may (for some) take alot longer for them to recover from feelings they feel they have to suppress.
I can understand you wanting to have your children closer together, and it sounds as if you have thought this through and are ready. But I would suggest some type of grief counseling for your husband if possible first. You are still young enough that it won't make alot of difference if he needs some more time.
It broke my heart, and took a big toll on my marriage, to watch my husband keep our son at an emotional arm's length. They are close now, but I really wish that we would have dealt with those feelings and problems beforehand. Your hubby is being very open about his fears (mine was not), and this will be a much easier and happier experience for you if you encourage and allow him to do what he needs to do to heal before going ahead.