Having an Only Child

R. - no one can answer what is right for you so you do just that. I don't think it selfish to not have another child for the reasons you mention. There are so many people in the world who just have baby after baby and can't afford to give them what they need. Some of this is by their own accord some by mishap. I am a mother of a beautiful 18 month old girl who thrives because of the love and attention I am able to give. My younger sister had her first child @ 28 and although her pregnancy was fine, she was in hard, hard labor for about 8 hours. From what I'm told, she became a contortionist trying to give birth to my nephew almost to the point of a c-section but he finally arrived and is 5 today. Because of that, she swore she would not have anymore; however, 3 years later, she had another son perfectly. She pushed for no more than 20 min. I think the fact that you are weighing your options is more than most people do. Do not feel bad of your decision either way.

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Don't let other people make you feel bad about your decision to have only one child. It is certainly not selfish to decide that one child is the right decision for your family. We have only one child, a six year old boy. There are advantages that he has because he is an only child. I don't have to split my attention with a sibling. He just started school this year and I can already see the advantages. I have the time to help him with his homework. With only one child we also have the financial ability to do more things with him. He has played soccer, flag football, ice hockey and he does TaeKwonDo. If we had more than one child we would not be able to afford all of these things nor would we have the time.
There are challenges, of course, we have to be careful not to "spoil" him since he is the only one. I had guilty feelings at first that I was "robbing" him of a sibling but someone told me that he will be fine either way...we should not base our decision on those feelings. We based our decision on what was right for our entire family. It won't help the family if Mom is all stressed out and frazzled with two children.
The bottom line is that the decision to have only one child is a personal decision for every family. There is no right or wrong...it's what is best for your family. We too get the questions...are you going to have another? We just tell them that our son is all we need to complete our family and we are happy with the way our family is now.

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We have an only child and I am an only child. My husband and I were 34 when we decided to have children and we almost didn't as we were uncertain if we wanted to. I am glad we did. My son will be 18 in a couple of weeks and he has turned out pretty well so far! There are many things I am thankful for with being an only child myself is that the family/sibling drama isn't there. When my dad passed away, we had no problems settling everything out. However, when my in-laws passed, it was nuts with the sibling factor. There is always drama in that situation. I am thankful every day that I didn't have that problem. We have tried not to spoil my son, and I don't consider myself spoiled as an only. We have brought my son up to work for what he gets in most areas and I taught him what it means to be understanding of others. He is a very compassionate child. You may also want to consider the financial side especially with college. It is hard to deal with many children and that factor so with one you can save just for him. I like my solitude and I think that is good. I know my son does as well. We are both social beasts but enjoy our down time. They can always marry into a big family or find another way to compensate for the lack of siblings if they really want that.
I hope this helps but it isn't the end of the world for the child. It may be a good thing for him.

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My husband and I are both only children and we have 2 boys. We both agree we had very peaceful childhoods. When our boys start fighting we look at each other and say, "See what we missed out on." :) There were always other kids to play with and I don't remember feeling lonely.

People still ask us if we are going to have any more kids. I find it very rude as well. My youngest has a medical condition that may or may not be genetic. We didn't find out because we only wanted 2 kids. For us to have another child, I would want to go through genetic testing/counseling to make sure the baby wouldn't have what he has. My son has done so well you'd never know there was anything wrong with him but I'm not willing to gamble on the next child being so lucky. I don't feel like explaining this every time someone asks so I usually say no and change the subject. I actually heard a cute response to this once but I've never used it. A woman replied, "That's a rather personal question. Why don't you tell me how much you weigh and I'll tell you if I plan to have another child."

As far as the pregnancy/delivery, my second went much better than the first. My first was 37.5 hours and the second was 8.5. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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Hi, R.~

I have a very elementary approach as to finding out whether one should or shouldn't do something. Check to see which way you're trying to be 'convincing'.

For example: if you are trying to tell God, yourself and/or your husband why you DON'T want another baby, you probably already know deep in your heart that you should have one. If you're trying to say why you DO 'need' one, you probably already know you don't.

I know it's simplistic, but it's usually accurate.

I know that it's true that you can't have children AND 'things' (either you can't afford the 'things', or the children BREAK them! LOL), but we're the parents of 4 adult children, and it's 'all good'. They love the Lord, us, and each other, and there's no greater blessing than to know that your children are praying for YOU!

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I was an only child. I have read all the responses here and there is some very good advice. It is a very lonely life growing up like I did, but I have learned to adapt. Make sure your child is socialized well and taught how to share as best you can if you decide not to have any more children.
Good luck and God Bless
S.

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You are right, this is your family's decision and no one else's! You have to decide the pros and cons and go from there. You could always use BC instead of a permanent solution (tubes tied, etc.) that way you could always change your mind if you decide. Having one child is just as important and tough as having any more than that. It is a personal choice and it is made based on what your family wants for the future. You are not selfish, you are not "missing out" and you are not being unfair to your son by not having a sibling. Who is to say that having one child vs. 17 (like that family on TV) is any better or worse. The part that makes a good parent is LOVE, not who can handle the stress or finances of more than one child. Make your decision based on that and how you can move forward in whatever direction you choose. If you decide on only one then enjoy every moment and live life to its fullest with him, otherwise do the same thing only with multiple children! You see, it's the same either way. We are all in this together, one child, two, three...or stay at home, working, breastfeeders, bottle feeders, doesn't matter. WE ARE MOMS!!! That's what's important. Make decisions as a mom, not as someone who is being judged. Take care and I wish you all the best.

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I have the same experience as you. My husband and I were married for 8 years before having our one daughter, who is now 6. When we talked about having a baby, we talked about having "a" child, only one. Now that we have her, our family is complete.

I can't count the number of times that people have asked me when we'll have another one, and I feel the same way as you--it's really none of their business. But I have been saying, "I thought for many years that I would never have a child, and I said that if God would give me a baby, then I would be thrilled and delighted. He did, and I am." That usually shuts people up. I follow up with, "So if God give us another baby, we will have one, but that's what it will take." All true, and not that revealing, and it gets me through the moment.

As for my daughter, who has asked for a baby brother or sister like some of her friends, I tell her that she can pray for whatever she wants, but just as I say to others, "It's up to God whether we have another baby or not; if he wants us to have one, he'll give us one."

I believe all of the above is true. I don't mention that I am not trying to get a baby; that is really none of anybody's business.

Good luck!

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In am not responding from a personal standpoint as I have 3 children, but having another child is definitely a personal decision and has nothing to do with anyone else. I wouldn't let others pressure you into any decision. I have 3 friends with only children and each ahs a separate reason for having an only child and for each it has worked out well. One friend had an extremely difficult delivery the first time and was fearful for the second time. The children in all three cases are wonderful and well adjusted.
I also have an older sister who decided to remain childless. (She has been married for 18 years and people finally stopped asking them about 3 years ago when they would be having a child. Although the odd person here or there still asks.)
Good luck with your decsion, but make it your own and don't worry about others!!

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We have two boys, three years apart (6 and 3). Having each other really takes the pressure off us much of the time, as they entertain each other (brawl, play, fight, romp, make believe). They love each other very much, and often sleep together in the same bed (they share a room, but have separate beds). My mother-in-law was an only child, and has always felt like she misses out on a lot by not having anyone else. Her parents have long since passed, then her husband passed, and she felt awfully alone in the world, but has since remarried. My husband/I and his brother both live far away from her.

This is obviously a very personal decision between you and your husband. In my humble opinion, there is so much to be gained (by your first child, and by you) by having another one. I've rarely heard of anyone regretting their children, but I do hear of people wishing they had had more.

I have discovered naturopathic medicine, and I am actually currently pregnant with number 3. I attribute the pregnancy to the naturopathic physician, and she has now given me much direction on making the pregnancy more comfortable, and so far so good. B-6 helps very much with morning sickness, as does eating a snack/small meal of protein/fat/minimal carbs every two hours to keep blood sugar up (the drop in blood sugar is what causes morning sickness). She is having me take a lot of fish oil/DHA to combat the pregnancy brain fog (and prevent post partum depression). And other things specific to my issues. Naturopathic medicine is just another avenue to explore if the typical route is not helping with some of the miseries of pregnancy, or anything else.

Also, I know that in polite society this is a rude question because it is so personal. However, most people aren't intending to be rude and don't even realize how annoying of a question it is to someone who doesn't intend to have more children. Often times, I think, it is just conversation material. Many people do intend to have more children, so for them it is not out of place or offensive to be asked. Some women are mortally offended, and some take it as a compliment for example, when told they are carrying big or small or whatever in a pregnancy. It is all about perspective, and deciding whether to take offense or laugh it off with a smart comment.

Dear Abby says that a polite response to a rude question, that will generally shut up the asker is: "Why do you want to know?"

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That is a fine decision. There is no reason in the world that you NEED to have or should feel obligated to have another child. I am an only child and I am great. It is also a lot easier now that my parents are getting older. There is no "who is going to take care of Mom and Dad?" I am. Do what you feel is best. Don't feel like it is an absolute that you must have multiple children.

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If I did not want a child with every fiber of my being, there is nothing that would make me get pregnant.

To those that ask when you are having another, the proper reply is "Why would you think to ask much such a personal, probing question?". That will shut them up unless they are absolute boors and in that case, you can be even more blunt, as that is what a boorish person often needs to cease inappropriate commentary.

There is nothing wrong with investing all your parental energies into one child.

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I don't have only one child, but I have often been appalled at how nosy people are when it comes to my reproductive choices. Before I even gave birth to my last child, people--friends, family, and strangers alike--started grilling me about how I would prevent another pregnancy and making comments like, "You know you don't want anymore." These kinds of comments are irritating, to say the least, especially when you feel that people will disapprove of your real thoughts on the matter.

I don't feel that it is appropriate for anyone short of your husband to question your decision of whether you want to have another child or not. It's very personal and ultimately needs to be based on what you and your husband feel is right for your family. If you feel like your family is complete now with one child, then just tell people that you feel like your family of three is complete. If you aren't sure, just politely tell people, "We'll see." And change the subject. As for whether to stay with one child or have more, you have to listen to your heart. There's nothing wrong or selfish about having only one if that is the right thing for your family. If it's just a matter of not wanting to go through another pregnancy and delivery, maybe you could consider adopting. I think women know when they are done having kids, though, and if they feel that they are finished, they will be happy with their decision to stop. If they feel they want more but for whatever reason don't have them, that's the only time I've heard women express regret for not having more. So, again, don't feel pressure one way or another. Just make the decision you feel is right for your family, and you will be fine.

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You sound a lot like me. We have an 11 month old girl, but we don't really want to have any more children either - for pretty much the same reasons you listed. When people make rude comments and ask questions that are none of their business, just turn the question around on them, "Why do you think I need to have more kids?" Or make a joke about it, say, "I'll have another kid when you agree to be the surrogate." It's your life, your decision, don't let other people influence you.

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R.,

I had an only child for 7 years when we decided to have another baby. My husband and I loved being able to provide anything and everything my son needed without having a financial hardship. We also lived very comfortably with just one child and thought he was happy by himself. One day, a friend of ours (she's an only child)called and said that she was going through some difficult times caring for her sick parents and that the stress was overwhelming. She made the comment "at times like these I wished mom and dad would've had another child to help me with them". That was a rude awakening for us. We love our son and the more we thought about it we decided "WE" couldn't be selfish. He may need someone in the future should something happen to us. Sure we know he's likely going to get married and have a family of his own but it's the thought of knowing he wasn't going to be by himself should he be one of those that doesn't get married until they are much older. We realized that he too had a life and that it wasn't fair of us to have to feel obligated to care for us by himself when we aren't capable. I too had a very bad pregnancy and that was another reason we didn't want to have anymore children. All I can say is that the next pregnancy won't be anything like your first one. My second pregancy was a piece of cake. No morning sickness, no hospitalizations, no complications. Perfect pregnancy. You and your husband have to make a conscientious decision about this and it isn't one to take lightly and it sure isn't one you should make because everyone is asking when you're going to have another one. Don't think about you and hubby you need to look at the whole big picture. Yes having another baby is a financial burden - AT FIRST. But you adjust to it and it's like you were worried about nothing. I can tell you that you should pray very hard about this decision. My husband and I aren't ones to having a whole lot of children and we decided to stop at two. Good luck in your decision and YOU and you hubby have to make this decision on your own. Don't ask your parents or friends their opinion, that's just what you will get. By the way, I'm glad we changed our minds and decided to have another one. It was like being a new mom all over again because they were almost 8 years apart but every bit worth it and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world.

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You have some great responses. Here are a few more thoughts. Having more than one child certainly teaches them a host of things that an only child does miss out on. It's a delicate issue.
As for the issues of the economy and living comfortably, you mentioned you go to church, so with that thought in mind, you know God is able to care for his own and He would never let the righteous hunger. I have 3 boys and my husband was laid off in July - white collar management - and still no job. But we have experienced God's provision in an amazing way and it's been a wonderful lesson for my boys, and has drawn us closer both to God and each other. We are in it together. As for the hard pregnancy...if you decide to do this, pray and begin to lay that foundation for a healthy enjoyable pregnancy. We prayed over each pregnancy and while the baby grew, we asked for promises to pray over each and we would lay hands on my belly and speak that life into each one. Our babies have purpose and destiny - and whether you have one or 10, it is important they know how much value they have in the kingdom. Scripture says (Ps. 127) "children are a heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man whose quiver is full of them." That fullness should never be determined by others' pressuring influence. Let God direct that in your life. When you approach having children from the purpose of God and His plan for your family, it helps you to know and believe you are hearing Him and serving the design he created your family for. If God considers your child to be like an arrow, that means there is target for them out there to hit and parenting them to hit that target takes on a whole new demension because it becomes very intentional and focused. Ask God if there is purpose out there for your family that would be better fulfilled with another child or are you complete.
One other thought...it's a thought for the future. I do have friends who are only children who are now experiencing challenges with ailing, elderly parents. Bearing this responsibilty alone can be draining. Fortunately, they are close and have extended family who are involved in their lives. Look at your family dynamic. If anything were to happen to either of you or both of you, will your son feel very alone? Are you near the family that could take care of him and make him feel a part? What about when you are older? While we cannot plan out every detail of our lives, every family should consider how we will take care of ourselves, financially - like preparing for assisted living, a retirement community or having your house paid off and the money freed up for other expenses. We are facing this with my father-in-law, but we are not close by (we are in another state), so all this falls on my sister-in-law. My husband's other sister and all my f-i-l's siblings do nothing to help. It has taken a toll because my in-laws made no plans for their future. Our only salvation is the house is paid off and we could sell it should he need assisted living. My husband and I are the only ones who give her moral support and help her with decisions. We have taken him in for a while too to lessen the load she carries. It's hard on her. While this should never be your MAIN reason for having more children, talking about it and defining how you may deal with this in the future could give you ease of mind for him as he grows up, knowing you have already thought of it.
So, just pray and listen to the leading of the Holy Spirit. Just like it says in Isaiah, listen to God when He says, "This is the way, walk in it."

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My husband and I have a 3 year old daughter and do not plan to have anymore children. I get sick of people telling me that, "You can't have an only child." Yes, I can, and I do. I am a twin and am very close with my sister, but just because I am close to her, doesn't mean my daughter would be close to her sibling(s). I just feel like this is the right thing for us, I feel like my family is complete.

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There are so many sides to this issue, but I truly feel that God determines what you need and will have. There are plenty of people who WANT more children that CAN'T have them, and there are people who plan to be done with one or two, and end up with more anyway! I have 3 kids that were all conceived using different forms of BC, and we really planned on being done after son #2 and adopting a daughter later on. But we were blessed with our daughter a mere 17 months after our second son was born! :) Personally, I know lots of people that stopped with one child for financial reasons, and their child, while wanting for nothing materially, wanted a sibling more than anything! So you have to decide what "riches" mean to you, because even though we struggled for a while, with 3 kids in 3.5 years, and lived with one car, and racked up debt that took a while to pay down. But we cannot imagine only having had one or even two kids. God gives you what you need to be happy.

Also, every pregnancy is different. I FELT horrible throughout my second pregnancy, and that was one of my deciding factors, even though my first one had been a breeze! But with my third, I felt great again, but then ended up having to be on bedrest and had my dtr 2 months early which was scary in itself. Every pregnancy will be different, so that shouldn't be a big factor in this decision - although it is easy to understand not wanting to set yourself up for that misery again! :)

There is always the option of adopting a child that doesn't have a home - this is an option we are still considering even with 3 kids. They have brought us so much joy and love, we feel like we have to much to share. And even with 3 kids, all of them pretty good playmates, my daughter wants a sister! So unless you have an even number of both someone will always want another one! :D

It is truly none of anyone else's business. When people ask, just say "When God give us one!" - that is all they need to know!

God bless you, your husband, and whatever children you may have!

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Someone taught us this response when we had one child: "We don't see a need for another because we got it right the first time." Shuts people up.

We thought we were going to have an only child and were OK with it. We were told we'd never have children so one was great. But seven years later -- surprise! We're thrilled with our second little guy and think their age difference is a benefit, not a problem. Enjoy having one, but be open to a surprise sometime -- God does have a sense of humor.

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There are 7 big decisions to make in the world:
1. Will I servce God
2. Who should I marry
3. What job will I do
4. How much education will I get
5. How many, if any, kids do I want
6. Where will I live
7. What church, if any, will I attend.

These are not decisions that anyone else should make for us. As a couple these 7 questions can only be answered by you and your husband. If you and your husband are content with 1 child, only have one. If God puts a desire on YOUR heart, have another. If God puts the desire on another person, than let THEM have another child. You are not obligated to have children to make others happy.

Good Luck!
K.

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You have the right to make your own choices and you shouldn't have to defend them.

Having said that, I would like to discuss one of your reasons for not having another: "horrible pregnancy and delivery experience". Unless the reason for this was connected to an on-going health issue for you, there's a good chance you could have a much better experience next time. My first delivery was rough, too--thirty hours of labor (with eight hours of pushing) and a nine-pound baby. (That was 26 years ago, before C-sections were so common, and I'm glad for that.) But my next baby came in five hours. In fact, he was one of my easiest. (I have six.)

I've also found that two isn't much more work than one. My oldest son demanded my constant attention. Things became easier when his little brother was old enough to play with him.

But this is a decision that you and your husband should make. Don't be shy about letting friends and family know this.

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All I can honestly say is, every pregnancy is different. You and your husband should do whatever you feel best. Best of luck to you in whatever you decide!

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Hi R.,
I am an only child and I have an only child. He's 11 y/o and a great boy. I got tired of people asking me too. People kept saying, "well you will change your mind." And I haven't. He gets all of our attention and time. I am able to be at all his sporting events and he's plays all sports. I am room mom and have been since he was little. He goes to private school and is very involved in church activities. It's wasn't selfish to have just one. It's special. I get to be a mom and have a full personal life too. I know so many people that have multiples and they don't spend or can't spend the time needed for a child. I know that I can handle one and give him what he needs. And he's not spoiled...just with attention. Can you give a child too much attention? No not hardly.

As an only child, I was not spoiled, but I did get to do activities that child with siblings couldn't do. As am adult, I got a master's degree and I am able to work part-time, but still make the money of a full-time person. And I get to do a career that is extremely satisfying. I get to a mommy and I get to contribute to world too.

Pray about your choice and see where God leads you.

But it is really okay to have one.

C.
Proud Mommy of the the most special boy in the world!!

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There are pros and cons to all decisions. You and hubby, have to decide. Don't bring another child into this allready overcrowded crazy world, because "people" keep asking you.
Smile at them, and say," we have just what we need thankyou".
I will tell you that I am now a gma, so have lived for awhile, and seen lots of people. Some are happy with their lot in life, others aren't. That is their personality. I have seen sisters, very close, and those who are devided and won't even talk. Same for brothers, brothers and sisters. I tool care of my parents, their last years. I never saw my brothers.
I would have loved being an only.

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I have one child--a three-year-old boy, too. I frequently get asked when or if we will have another. I say, "I don't know," because truly I don't. It took a long time to get pregnant with my son, and I don't know if another baby will come along. I'm sure some people think I'm being evasive, but I really don't want to share much about reproductive issues at dinner, in the grocery store, etc.

Of course, before I got pregnant, the big question was, "When are you going to have a baby?" and before that it was "When are you going to get out of graduate school?" and before that it was "When are you going to get married?" and on and on.

I'm not sure why we get these questions all the time--some people are curious, and others are trying to make conversation, I guess. But having another baby so you can answer one of these questions is not the best reason, as you know.

If having another baby feels right, go for it. If not, go for that, too. Some of my favorite people in the world are only children.

And, there have been several studies on personalities of oldest/middle/youngest/only children. Do a Google search online. From what I've read, the main difference between only children and those with siblings is that only children tend to have higher self esteem.

Good luck!
--J. K

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Hi R.,

Yes, having children is a very personal decision. I offer these family stories for your consideration.

My mother's cousin that didn't have any children. She just liked being alone with her husband. It was her choice. Now, however, she's 83, her husband has passed away. She was recently put into an assisted living center. She is very lucky that one of her nieces (who lives nearby -- she's in MA) is able to help her and take care of her things. My aunt was living in CT and was visiting my extended family in MA. She fell at the mall and they would not clear her to go home. Her niece had to take over cleaning out her house, taking care of her belongings, settling her bills, turning off her ulilities, etc. It has been a huge undertaking.

My mother was an only child. Growing up, it wasn't a problem. She had cousins and friends. However, after my grandfather passed away, my mom was solely responsible for my grandmother (and we lived in NC and my grnadmother lived in MA). My grandmother refused to move to be closer and my dad's job was here. When my grandmother became ill, my mother was solely responsible. When she passed away, my mother was solely responsible. My mother received all of my grandmother's things, but she had no one to share the cleaning out, moving, settling estate, etc. It was very hard on my mom.

My mother had 3 kids. I have 2. I was almost 40 when I had my kids (not by choice) and chose to have 2 so they would have each other when my husband and I are gone. After seeing what my mom went through trying to take care of my grandmother alone, we didn't want our kids to go through that.

It's a very difficult decision. My point in all of this is.... don't just think about now, think about your child's future as well.

Good luck!!

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Hi R.,

Having more than one child is a very personal decision that you and your husband should make without regard to what another living soul thinks. That includes your family and friends, strangers in the grocery store, anyone.

There are many valid reasons to have more than one child. I truly believe that we can give endless amounts of love to children. My M-I-L once said that one child takes up all of your time but 2 or more take up less because they play with each other. As a mother of two, I'm not sure I really buy that LOL!, but it really just means that you figure out how to make it all work.

But R., there are valid reasons for your thoughts to only have one child. Today's economy is a truly scary prospect that may take years to straighten out. People who have not lost their jobs so that they aren't worried about what they're going to feed their kids don't truly appreciate the reality of bringing children into a time of economic crisis. And I'm not only talking about blue collar workers - I'm also talking about middle management white collar job positions. There's a leap of faith we have to take in adding to the family, hoping that our jobs won't be lost, down-sized, etc. Even before this current crisis hit us, children cost a fortune to raise anyway. We try to give them the best, and we hope that we can make ends meet over the longterm to get them through college and started on life outside of our own homes.

It's a sobering thought to really need to put economics into the equation of a family act that is based on love, needs of the heart, and the desire to add to our brood of children. It's bringing cold hard facts into a really emotional picture. Not simple, and not easy. But one you need to figure out, I believe. Don't let anyone ever let you feel guilty over this - they won't be the ones who are spending the umpteen thousands of dollars it will cost you up to age 18 alone.

Good luck in your choice,
D.

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Well of course it is you and your husband's decision but I would advise having your son a playmate, you will enjoy them growing up together. I had an only child for 14 years and I wouldn't suggest that. Your situation was different than mine though, I had my son before getting married and my daughter that late because of a new relationship. I hate it that I didn't have more children, I was like you, didn't want to go through the pregancy thing again, not a lot of money, so I waited, now my daughter is 17, an only child now because my son died in an auto crash 8 yrs. ago at age 23, I really wished I had had at least 2 or 3 more now. I always tell people to have more than one, you will be glad you did. Good luck with your decision.

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I only have one child myself, but plan to have another one simply because I believe the best gift my parents ever gave me was my sister. She is my best friend along with my husband. That said, parents really have to foster HEALTHY sibling relationships. Adoption could be a option if you don't want to go through with another pregnancy. However, if you are happy with one child then don't let others pressure you into something you are uncomfortable with.

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You have to do what is best for you and your family. I am an only child and I miss having brothers and sisters. I have 3 sons and there were definite challenges in raising them but we made it. I have a dear friend that has one child and she never has regretted the fact. Search your heart and do what is best for all of you. Finances are a factor and should be considered but not the sole reason for deciding. Good luck.

Do what you really feel like. It is better to have a child that you want then one you don't want. Even though I am sure you are a good person it is easier to make the choice that you and your husband want. And if God wants you to have another one it will be His will and you will not suffer. Put it in His hands :)

Hi R.,
I am a mother of a 4, soon to be 5 year old adorable boy. I did at one time want another child, but I think that option has been laid to rest. I know what you mean about "selfish" reasons....I'm currently going back to school to finish my surgical technician program. Having another child would make that almost impossible or atleast delay it once again. Also, my husband was deployed when our son was born and would probably be deployed again if we had another. Another reason...kinda like you, I had a bad delivery and almost died. All these reason do weigh heavily on mine & my husband's decision to not have another. I get an urge to have a little girl every now and then...mostly when I babysit my friends daughters, but that urge soon fades when they leave and I get back into my routine. Selfish or not, I am happy and content to have just my son. I'm sure you know your decision deep down. Don't let anyone pressure you with the "white picket fence with one boy and one girl" scenerio. Goodluck!

I was an only child, and never regretted it. Our daughter (19) is an only child, and she has never regretted it either. We were able to do so many things with her that we would have never been able to do otherwise, and we can afford to send her to a good college. Contrary to what people believe about only children, she is not spoiled, and is a very independent young lady. She has been an endless source of enjoyment to us, and I can't imagine life any other way!!! Everyone's decision is just that, their own personal decision. I know you would love more children, if you had them, but life is just as fulfilling and exciting with just one.

Hi R.,

This is your choice and only yours. Do not allow anyone to decide what is best for you and your family. If you feel one child is the best for you, do not let anyone influence that decision. It is your family and you know best.

S.V.

That doesnt sound selfish at all. infact it sounds just like me! i had a horrible pregnancy labor delivery and severe complications weeks after having my first. i was pretty much dead set on not having any more and well i was on antibiotics and birth control and along came claire. the second pregnancy wasnt as bad however i was on bed rest at the hospital the last 3 weeks of my pregnancy. then i had her 3 weeks early. anyway it sounds to me that you and hubby and your 3 year old have a great life and if you dont want another child then dont have one! who cares what other peoplesay im an only child and i love it! yes at times i wish i had some one to play with but i was not corrupted in any way because of being an only child. do what feels right for your family not whats right for everyone else!

Hi R.. There have been alot of good points already raised to your question, but I thought that I would add that my husband and I also debated on whether to have another little one. Our son wasn't necessarily a difficult baby but he wasn't an easy baby either. When our son was 2 1/2, and we were 36, my husband kind of tilted the scales in favor of having another one. I am now glad that he did because we had our daughter who has been the easiest baby ever. While our experience has been smooth this time around I should add that it is a gamble as far as the ease of a second. We have friends that had an easy first child and their second has been much more challenging. Either way the baby/toddler years can be trying but I think just like child birth you somehow forget the pain that may be involved. You just need to be honest with your personal limitations and not give in to the status quo. Not everyone is meant to have a child, let alone two. If you decide to move forward you may just have to take a leap of faith, just be prepared for either a good or not so good outcome. Good luck to you!!!

I like the idea of another child, but I do not need another struggle with pregnancy ( I had major problems, almost critical on the delivery table)...everyone asks me if we are having another one too, as if I am supposed to. I usually tell them no, and they look @ me with disappointment to a degree (like strangers-not even family!). Sheesh-having one is enough for us. We are happy this way. I like the way we interact with our daughter, and we learn a lot from each other. It would be more work for sure with another child - I think the novelty for my 4.5 year old would wear off, once the sibling turned like 1, and then the time/toy struggle would start, of course. We are fine just the way we are. (If I became pregnant tho, I would still work just as hard).
I was the only child until the age of 12, so most of my childhood was being creative and enjoying my own company, or with my parents, of whom I have a really strong bond with still...we were always like friends, so my trust in them was very high too. I think my confidence came from all my pretend play and creativity-I felt I could entertain myself, and other friends! Even now! Ha-good luck.
A.

Don't let others dictate your life! My husband and I had the same experience. We did try to have another one, but it just wasn't happening after 6 years. We decided not to do the fertility thing because of my age and come to the realization that we were just going to have the one and were fine with it. That still didn't stop "everyone" from asking "when are you having another one?" It gets old quick. I did end up getting pregnant at 39 and we are thrilled, but we would've been fine if it hadn't happened. People, I think, don't mean anything by it, but it does get on your nerves. It isn't anybody's business but your and your husband's so don't let people try and guilt you into it.

My husband and I have one son his name is Roman and he is a delight. He has enjoyed tons of undivided attention and love from his father and I. He is a happy and well adjusted little guy. If you ask him if he would want a bro or sis he says no thanks I love having both of you to myself. Our schedule is not crazy as is the case with most families going from soccer, ballet, karate then to violin lessons. We enjoy one sport a season and it is very manageable. I think the idea of quality over quantity is wise. I do make an effort to have kids over and to take Roman to other childrens homes so he can play and socialize with families with brothers and sisters. Good luck to you with your decision. B.

I am a mother of 4 and I agree that the decision is Yours and your husbands, no one elses. If you decided to have another know that you will love the baby just as much as the first. With us having a larger family I talk frequently to a lady in our church that has only one child. When I feel overwhelemed I may make a comment that it would be nice to only have one and her comment is "no, it is so lonely for that child!" He is a junior in high school now. But, in our family there is not as much material items to go around. So, what I am getting at is that there are pros and cons to each and you just need to know what your heart is telling you. You should not feel pressure to have more, have the family that is right for you. I did have very difficult pregnancies during my 1st and 3rd. The 2nd and 4th was not as bad. Don't let the fear stop you either. Finding the right doctor that you can talk to there are precautions that my be made. Also, after the first it is not as scarry and you have another child to keep you busy that you did not have the first time! Good luck in your decision, prayer will see you through this.

C.

Hi R.,
I also have been struggling with the same issue. Recently, we decided to have number two. I asked a lot of my friends that are only children if they wished they had a brother or sister- they all said yes. The other deciding factor is that all my friends with more than one kid say it is much easier the second time around. You know what you are doing, know what to expect, etc. This helped my make up my mind and I feel good about the decision. However, it is your decision to make and you do what you think it right for your family. Don't let others pressure you. If you ever decide to have another, you will know when the time is right.

I am not going to read all the posts. Plus, I assume this generates very opininated answers (aka I'm #45!) So, my only two cents is I come from a family of 4 kids and we are VERY close. We go through everything together and talk to each other constantly. I can't imagine not having them. Your family is truly the only ones that stay with you through thick and thin. So I say you are better with larger numbers. :) However, I know it's not easy and every situation is it's own. Good luck with your decision.

It is nobody's business or decision but your own. I have 2 children, and have no qulams AT ALL about telling people who ask that I have no desire whatsoever to have any more children. They look at me strangely, because I'm only 31 years old and 'have plenty of time to have more babies'. I love my kids dearly, and because I don't want any more doesn't mean I don't love the ones I already have.

To me R. its yr life and yr husband and if that is what y two have decided then let it be. I wouldnt worry about what others say, like y say its yr buisness not theres . Just keep looking away, start changing the subject they should get the hint then . If not just be blunt about it too them, no matter if it makes some one mad, at least y get yr point down. maybe they will stop and be happy with you.

Hi R.,

I'm sure if you do some informal interviews of only children (now adults), you will find mix results. I did this when we were family planning because I am an only child. I found that men were much happier as only children than women. Most women that were only children wanted to have families of their own with at least 3-4 siblings. So that is the good news for you since you have a son.

I have several friends that have prayerfully considered adoption as an option to growing their family rather than going through another pregnancy. There are many advantages to your family and of course, to one of the 143 million orphans in the world (with over 100,000 residing in the United States.)

Please let me know if you would like more information on the 40 scriptures on orphans or adoption. I am an adoptive mom of three and co-lead an adoption ministry at a local church and can point you to several on line resources for preliminary research and help you with local agencies.

love,
G.

DO NOT have a second child if you do not want a second child!!! There is absolutely nothing wrong with having an only child. I am not one myself, but I know lots who are children now and who are also grown, and they are all just fine!!! There are things you will have to do differently, of course, but that's ok. Pray about it and if you still feel like one is enough for your family, then just tell people that when they ask - one is enough for us! It's YOUR (yours and your husband's) decision and has nothing to do with anyone else.

Hi R.,
Me and my husband have only one child and are not having any more. I love having one!! I get to focus so much of myself to her and no one else. With me, I have always had favorties. If I had more than one friend, dog, or just anything I always had a favortie, so think about having another child i took this into considersion. I did not want to have two or three children and play favorites. I came from a family where favorites were play and I was not one of them, so I did not want to do that to anybody else. Anyways, it is ok to just have one child. I started to not respond to the comments on having more children, and now I barely get them.

Good Luck!!

R.

i am an "only" i am now 56, you won't be 'depriving' your child, and you and your husband know what is best for you, i have two children but had three very bad miscarriages in between so i can understand your reluctence in having more, the only reason i became pregnant with my daughter is the LORD intervened and gave me my daughter, let the Lord lead you in this descion HE will guide you Proverbs 3: 5-6 and give you your hearts desire, Psalms 37:5 don't let other people dictate what is right for your family, may the LORD bless you hope this encorages you a little.

R.,
I see you have at least 29 responses when I am writing this post, so I can imagine that you have many suggestions. Remember FIRST to DO what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

I had an ONLY child for 14 years...(I remarried when my DS was 10) I went on to be blessed with another who is turning 6 on 12/3.

I now have 2 ONLY'S... when my DS was little I just said, this my blessing and left it at that. Some people mean well, but they have NO IDEA if you adopted, had trouble conceiving, horrible pregnancies, difficult labor/deliveries, not counting the BAD things that can happen during L/D , another thing is that some people just assume that everyone wants at leat 2 children... some people decided NOT TO EVER HAVE NAY... is that bad... NO....People LOVE babies... Now that I have my 2nd blessing I just tell people that "OUR FAMILY IS COMPLETE" (I also had 2 Miscarriages back to back) another approach is to say that you are 'waiting' for God to decide... Seriously, I see you are involved in your church, no matter what your faith (We are Christian) if something is meant to be it will even if you TRY to avoid it... right? :)

Don't apologize to ANYONE on you and your DH's decision or thoughts... it is NO ONE'S BUSINESS but YOURS. :)

I think if you just say that your family is complete and that you are so blessed with your only one. That should be enough for anyone with a head on their shoulders. Sometimes you may have to be consistent and say something about doing what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

That has become a common phrase for me as I have chosen to do things that are best for me and my family despite what "OTHERS" no matter who they may be try to impose on me.

EX: I nursed till my DD was 2, she co-slept till she was 3 1/2... I homeschool.. many of OUR choices were out of the norm for most of DH's family... I don't care, they don't live my life or raise my children... See what I mean, I have to do what is best for OUR family. :)

Good luck!
*Remember... your DS is only 3... I have 14 years between my 2 only's and I wouldnt' trade it for anything!

OH and one more thing... you can tell them that you are considering adoption... (that might be something in the future that you want to consider if you want more children but don't want to give birth)

R.,
I had 3 children from a BAD marriage and only one in the marriage I am in now and she will be the only one child for us. My others are grown so it is honestly like she is an only child. The reason that I can't have other children is because I am too old and it wouldn't be safe.
Now for your question. First of all... it is NOT selfish to not want one so you could live more comfortably. I consider that to be a very UNselfish decision. With more than one you have to go through the fusses and the fights that sibblings go through, on the other hand if they are raised right there is nothing like having a sibling there with you and for you to support you and be your best friend. Blood is thicker than water. However, only you can decide what you want. Honestly if you aren't sure at this point, I wouldn't allow myself to even accidentally get pregnant. You should be 100% positive that you want one before you take that step. That is something that only you and your husband together can decide together. Some people are perfectly content with one and others want 10 even though that can't afford them and then there are people like me that wish I only had one and wish that I had waited to meet my current husband and only had his because my children with the 'devil' have definitly turned out like their dad (treating me like his dad did - abusively).
I don't see anything wrong with one or two or three. I think it is up to you and I think that IF you do decide to have another one you will KNOW in your heart that you want another one without a doubt and then you will know it is right. If that never happens, love the one you have, be thankful for your life with him and you are exactly right.... you will have more money to travel with him and teach him more than you would with others. Whatever your decision, there are pros and cons to them both. I do not think that there is a right or a wrong. It is personal preference.
Now when people ask you when are you going to have another one, just politely say, I don't know if we have decided on that or not..... we may be happy with what we have. Just leave it at that. It is your choice and there is nothing wrong with either choice.

My mom was an only child and longed for a brother or sister badly. My dad was an only child and said that he loved it better and never wanted a sibling around. (So there you go... different testimonies.)
Also my mother had 3 of us and she should have only had 1... my little sister because she is so partial and really treats the other 2 of us bad along with our children. It her case, she shouldn't have wanted anymore. She pits all of us against each other so most of the time we never even speak and when my older sister and I speak we have to tell our parents that we never do (to allow us to stay "friends") So see... there is yet another testimony for you to think about.
I married my mother when I had 3 children and he pits them against me and each other. They all hate each other and there is more problems than you can imagine and the biggest problem is that it breaks my heart constantly. I long for that close family that is NORMAL with brothers or sisters that actually talk and do things together, but I wish I never got married and waited on my current husband and only had the one child. Yet another testimony!!!!
I also have a couple friend that chose not to have any at all. As I wouldn't have ever chose that for myself, they are perfectly fine with that. They travel alot and go places that I could only dream of and they are perfectly content and never think anything about it. When they are asked, the reply, " we are too busy." and then drop it or change the subject.
Just do what you want and you can't go wrong. Don't worry about what others say. It is not their decision.

Hi R.
My husband and I are mulling over the decision to have another as well. We have a 1 1/2 year old who is absolutely perfect. I actually had a really good pregnancy, although I was always tired. My husband and I have been married for 5 years. And, yes, we too get the "when are you having more kids" questions too. We recently had a miscarriage and are still grieving. We're scared that this will happen again.
There is nothing wrong with having one child and not wanting anymore.
Good luck with your decision.
PJ

Please stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and choose what is right for you. We live in an age where we can choose whether and when to have children, as well as how many.

I am the mother of one child, a 6 year old girl. My husband and I are both a bit older than the typical parent, so maybe thats why I don't get the question as often, but I still hear it occasionally. There is absolutely nothing wrong with chosing one child, any more than there is something wrong with choosing 10 or none. It needs to be a decision that works for you and your husband.

There are lots of advantages to having only one child which have nothing to do with being selfish. With one child, you can devote more of your resources to him/her. Do what feels right and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

R.- I DO NOT recommend having another child to care for you when you are older. If that is a concern, then start a better retirement/long term care plan/living will/etc. so that your child/children will not have the burden of making those decisions when and if the time comes.

Also, don't assume another child will be an instant companion. I know a lot of siblings who rarely speak with each other. There is nothing selfish about wanting to create the life/family you want. Afterall, isn't that what those people with multiples do?

I think this needs to be a personal decision. You mentioned church, so I say to pray about it and ask for some direction on this decision.

PS- I only have one child.

God Bless.

I have two sons and we want at least 1 more, but that is by choice. If you and your husband have prayed about it and feel one child is all you want and that your family is complete then there is nothing wrong with it and when someone asks you when you are going to have more kids you just tell them that y'all wanted just one and are one big happy family. Some people just feel the need to impose their views on your desisions and you just need to ignore them. Even if you had another child there will be someone asking you is you are having another...especially if you had another son, then they would ask when are you having a girl...if you are happy with your des. to have just one child roll with it and don't look back. I do know some families with just one child and they are just as happy with the families I know that have 4, 5, or 6 children!

I am a SAHM of a two y.o. girl. She is our only child and my husband and I don't plan on having another one. I get different comments from different people, some of which are negative. They say things like "she needs a sibling" or "it's not fair to her if you don't have another child". Well I am an only child and I can tell you that I never longed for a sibling. I had a wonderful childhood. I am very close to both of my parents. It is the business of you and your husband whether or not you decide to have another baby. Please don't feel guilty if your decision is not to.

S.

I have 2 children financially it is hard there is nothing wrong with being selfish. You already have a boy to pass on the family name. My sister has an only child her daughter has turned out just fine being an only child.

Hi R. B
I am a mother of a 6 year old boy. And I would not have it
any other way. If you and your husband are happy with your one
child,that is all that matter. I to have listen to people make
comments about letting him grow up by his self. It is easy
for them to say it not there life or decision. Me and my
husband have been married over 10 years and we are happy with
our decision. I fell God has blessed me with my family and
I give God the Glory for my happieness.Your Welcome.

WOW!! Sounds like me and my husband! We have a 4yr old and we have been married for 13 years this month!! At this point we can't really decide either..we just tell everyone we are waiting for our daughter to get into Kindegarten and then we will decide if we want another. Does it stop the asking? No, however we have a ready made answer, people accept it and it does give us the flexiblity to change our minds if we so choose. Only have a baby for yourselves...that is not selfish!