Having a Joint Birthday Party?

B.!

Please, Please, Please, give your child his/her own party. I dont think this will work especially if you 2 dont get along.How can she plan a joint party without even getting your input anyway??? It sounds like this will be a mess. You are both mothers of 2 seperate children, therefore you have to do what's best for you and your child. I think the best thing is to atleast have them on seperate days so that the kids can attend each party.

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You definately want to be in on the planning but communicate directly with her instead of through a third party. Would she consider having it at a "neutral" venue? There's a GREAT park in your area that you've probably been to many times - Kortney's Korner (it's where the Merry-Go-Round is). Sell it to her as ease of clean-up. Plus, the guests would enjoy a ride on the Merry-Go-Round and the picnic tables will make it easy to have more than one theme. Just make sure you get a permit from the parks department so you will be able to reserve the picnic area.

I've never planned a joint party, but my daughter has attended one. The invitation was clear that two children would be celebrated, but each girl's mom took care of her own guest list and my daughter received only one goodie bag. She happened to be friends with both girls so we took a gift for each of them, but other guests only brought a present for the girl they knew.

On the other hand, if the sister-in-law doesn't want to let you share the planning then go ahead with your original plans and let her know that had she communicated with you earlier you would not have made other plans. If you don't put your foot down at some point she will be walking all over you for the next 40 years.

Good luck!

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OK. If I remember correctly, your SIL's child is turning 1. I would do a couple of things. First off, discuss with hubby what you are going to do. Then, call the SIL yourself, and cover a few things:
a) This miscommunication about doing a joint thing (be sure to include you both- in a joking manner -in taking the blame for MIL being in the middle... say something like, "I feel so silly that I didn't just call you myself.. she said she would talk to you and I didn't hear anything so I assumed.. blah blah.. If we had just talked to each other we could have avoided the confusion")
b) Tell her that since it's her child's FIRST birthday, and that's such a BIG deal, that you thought it would be nice for her to have her own party.. .the 1st b.day being a milestone that is usually remembered forever (at least by the moms) and pictures go in scrapbooks about. AND, since it IS such a momentous event, that you didn't want to take away from it by the kids sharing the spotlight.
c) And, since you want your 3 yr old to be able to feel super special, and this is the first year she is really geared up and excited about her big day, that you wanted to do something memorable for her... so,
d) To accomplish both (BIG DEAL for 1st b.day and BIG DEAL for 3yr old) you guys are going to take your daughter to Sea World as part of her birthday, and just want to have a smaller actual party... So she gets a BIG DEAL, but the kids aren't having to share the spotlight..
E) (AND THIS IS THE BIGGIE).. Suggest that maybe you could do a joint party on their next birthdays, only (again jokingly) next time we'll have to be sure to get together on plans sooner -- and leave out the middle men... (laugh laugh..)

She will be grateful to not have to share on her kid's first birthday (who wouldn't???) and you get to go ahead with the Sea World idea.. (your 3 yr old will love it!)... AND, your hubby will see that your SIL ought to be grateful to you for this. And, when MIL and aunts/uncles etc ask -- I thought you were going to have a joint party.. YOU get to say "Well, first birthdays are so special, I thought it would be nice for her not to have to worry about a 3yr old party in the mix.." Next time another issue like this come up, guess who everyone will expect to give in...?

Plaster on a smile.. and think about petting the rays at Sea World....

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I think you should not have the 2 birthday parties together. It's not fair to the kids. I was 11 years old when my mother had my (oldest younger) Misty. She was born 4 days before my birthday and I really hated that my mother would do both our parties together. I felt that this was my special day and I didn't want share it with anyone. It was the 1 time of the year where it was all about me and not anyone else. Once my mother realized my feelings she never put then together again. Now she and I will share parties together because I don't want get older now. It's not fair that your sister in law call all the shots. This is your family and they should come first, your sister in law second. I think your sister in law is just trying to be mean and show you she has the pull. Don't give in. Why should you have to give in to what she wants? I hope it works out for you.

Before I posted that you should just work with your sister-in-law & have the party on Sunday. But she really sounds diabolical -- going through other family members & not even calling you about giving your own daughter a party.

I would stick with your original plans since she hasn't talked to you directly & you sound as if you don't really like the joint birthday party idea anyway.

Have a back bone & but be laid back about it & just say (if she calls) that it "won't work for us this time." These are our plans -- and lay out your plans.

You aren't being difficult -- just practical for your family.

so sorry for all the negative energy your sister in law
sends your way. please surround yourself with good friends
who truly care about you.

You may not like my answer, but I really think you have lost perspective a bit on this because of your emotions with the SIL. This is a birthday party for a 3 year old. 3. Let that number sink in... 3. She won't even remember it in a few years and you're so so worried about everyone and all the little nit-picking stuff that the real joy in celebrating the life of your daughter is getting sucked out it.
If you want to do a double themed party, it won't matter one single bit to the children what decorations are up. How often have you heard a 3 year old saying... wow, mom... they decorated this place horribly? They don't care. They don't notice. All that "planning" is mainly for the adults when the children are that young. You can get your own cake, have her own table for the gifts that her friends bring and goodie bags for the people that you invite for her.
Or... you can skip that drama and do what you had made secondary plans to do. Sea World and a small party are perfect for a 3 year old. Too many people around and the point gets lost of the big birthday party at her age. Reign in your emotions and don't her turn something simple and joyful into something that makes you anxious. Don't worry about who you "look bad" to. If turning down a joint birthday party makes you look bad to the people that love you, then that bond isn't very strong to begin with and nothing you do will help anyway. You do what is best and less stressful for your daughter and immediate family.

I'm just giving my opinion, and everyone has one of those, but...... I would suggest that you put your best foot forward and contact the sister-n-law and inquire about what was said in regards to a joint party and from there you will know how to conduct everything else. At least you will be trying........

if you did not both agree on this to be a combined party in the first place then you shouldn't feel pressured into doing it. you do what is best for you and your child and don't worry about the opinions of those who planned without your knowledge. if they didn't have enough respect for you to talk to you first and make sure you were ok with it then why should you worry about hurt their feelings. they will get over it. i spent a lot of years myself giving into what everyone else said they wanted and it didn't do any good. you just do what is best for you and let god take care of the rest.

Joint parties - The best thing would be for each of you to plan your child's party. Split the room in half so each can have the theme they want. Kids at the party won't understand if some get goody bags and others don't so you need to "bite the bullet" and go in together on the goody bags ~ One of you decide to pick the stuff for the goody bags and the other gives money toward the purchases.

Joint birthday parties can help reduce your budget because you are sharing the cost that you would normally encure on family. Decide on a budget ahead of time, decide on the common colors you have for plates, cups, etc. and who is buying what, get one large sheet cake and split the decorations on top, then have each give their portion of the cost.

#1 Rule: Don't go over budget! There will be something that the other person felt you could have done without and stayed at budget which is now costing them more money so just DON'T DO IT!

Three of my kids birthdays are the 21st, 25th, and 29th of the same month. When they were small, we always combined their party into one big bash. We sent invitations to individual children naming the particular birthday child as the invitee. That way it was clear that Olivia was a guest of Maddie and Max was a guest of Andrew and Jacob was a guest of Asher. Each brought a gift just for that birthday child, not all three and left with one goody bag.

Each year we had an overall theme: water world was one. Madeline's cake was decorated with mermaids, Andrew's was a pirate ship, and Asher's was a deep sea diver. Games were treasure hunt, water play, etc. My kids that year were 1, 4, and 6.

If Dora is this year's theme, maybe your daughter could go with a jungle inspired cake or one with Diego and Alicia. Or go with a broader tie-in with another Nick Jr character your daughter likes.

Good luck!

B.,

How soon is this party stuff happening? A week or two or a month or so away? If soon it will be hard to get you two together to discuss and decide on all that is involved in a party for two. i would think you would split the cost.
I would call her and thank her for the consideration but you had made other plans to go somewhere special for your daughter's b-day. Thank her profusely and then go on with your plans. you don't need this stress in your life with you so close to delivery.
Do what you want and your daughters will be happy and avoid the stress!!

My daughter just turned 4 last Saturday, the same day as one of her male classmates, so we had a joint party and it was wonderful. We divided the work, supplies, and shopping. Each child had their own cake (we had a large crowd so we had a third cake too!) and we let the guests choose which kind they wanted, chocolate Nemo, or white McQueen. The invitations were printed with both childrens names, so everyone knew it was a party for TWO children. We went with a nuetral theme but had plates, napkins, etc... to interest both children. Yes, you need to provide goodie bags for all children who attend, as it's a joint party and not for just one or the other. Since we invited not only classmates, but siblings, we had children aged one to seven at the party and we provided activities to appeal to the entire age range. Try to remember it's for the kids, who really don't care if your themes match, and just have fun.

I responded once before to you, being in the same situation years ago. You sometimes have to take the high road and let your s-i-l be the big wig in this party deal. It will keep peace in the family. Just make sure your Daughter is happy with her birthday. Both kids are young and will enjoy whatever is done for their birthdays. Remember it is us grown ups who care more about what goes on. And you will look good to the rest of the family and believe me they all see what your s-i-l is doing, no one has a blind eye to what she does they just don't say anything. Happy Birthday to Your Little One. I don't know if your daughter is a girly girl or not but maybe you should think of an I.D. braclet for her with her name and date on it. Something she can keep forever and (wink, wink) Your s-i-l baby is too young for anything like that and it will make your daughter the center of attention.

ok...you cant have two different themes...wont work that way...this is looked at as one party. Anyone with manners would bring a gift for BOTH children, not just yours. And most people would feel obligated to. I have read about the issues between you two, and I wouldnt do a joint party. Politely tell your SIL that since you didnt hear back, you already made other plans.

Yes, you will be obligated to jointly pick one theme. yes, you would be obligated to both go in on all the favors. Yes, if its a joint party, you need to tell all guests this. Yes, you will be responsible for 50% of all costs.

You have to do what is best for your daughter--and sharing her very first b-day because your SIL wants to take up all the weekends for her kids, is beyond wrong. A first b-day should be smaller, since larger crowds can overwhelm little kids REAL fast. I wouldnt recommend a 3 year old party with a 1 year old party--to anyone.....you are just ASKING for tantrums, meltdowns and hurt feelings.

She is the type to take control, and you will want to give in, just to make your in-laws happy...and then you will look back and be so angry that YOUR childs very first b-day was not like you wanted it to be.

Tell hubby that you dont want the stress. Tell him that if he feels this is a good idea, maybe HE should plan it with his sister--and then maybe he will realize what a bad idea this all is. If he says he will plan it, make a written list of what YOU want--stress that its her FIRST--and just how special that is.

Make sure he realizes just how much harm stress can do to you--since you are so close to delivery....its not good for the baby--or for you....

This should be fun, not stressful...this should be something to celebrate, not cringe over....If your hubby loves you like he should, he will understand how different a one year old is from a three year old, and see how this party needs to be focused on her---not his sister!!

Just my 2 cents

Sorry this is happening B.,
But don't get discouraged, my thought is do what you were going to do with your daughter and her birthday and have a separate party for your family and friends. If your sister-in-law wants to have a joint party only do so with the family. That way you are not obligated with additional costs nor have any of you and your husbands friends feel uneasy. Some in-laws are notorious for doing what they want, but this is your daughter and you should do what you want with her. Go have fun at Sea World and again have a party of your own, you don't owe anyone anything if they can't respect your wishes.
Good Luck to you,
A. Arce
www.globallysafefun.com

My advice is to not do a joint party. Don't let anyone guilt you into anything. The Sea World and small party sounds absolutely perfect.

Dont do it B.... You and WE all know she is not doing this out of the kindness of her heart... keep with your plans and do what you want to do... if she at least had good intentions I will advice to work it out, but we know she doesnt!!!
Stand up for yourself and your daughter, since your husband is not doing it!!!
good luck, and please let us know how it turns out... I will be anxious to know

The person planning the party is responsible for the event. Also, it is her responsibility to ask your permission to have such an event.
Always remember, take care of you in a healthy way and others will follow.
When we spend time questioning what and why other people are doing things we are focused on them and not us and our family. Better to look like a “bad” person now than for the next 40 years.
The best lesson I learned from my first mother-in-law was to speak to her directly instead of going through all the other family members, which she preferred. It was not an easy lesson to learn but once she realized I was not going to triangulate she joined me in some open communication. That has helped me with the rest of my life.
Good luck, changing your role in the family from the victim to the great mom you are.
B. L

Hi B.,
I just recently had a joint birthday party for my 1-year old and 5 year old. To answer your basic questions, especially because it doesn't sound like it would be at your house, you don't need to buy goodie bags for all children. I had 2 different themes and decorated the front living room in princess stuff and that is where I had a table for gifts for the 1 year old and I had her cake and table full of food and an area for people to hang out and in my family room, in the back of the house, I had everything decorated spiderman and had a separate table for his gifts and cake and food and people just mingled throughout of course. As far as inviting people, I sent out specific invites depending on who it was. Because my son was turning 5 I sent alot to his friends and they received spiderman invites, family received invites for both children, and friends that only knew me through playing with my 1 year old received princess invites. Basically, I only told family and close friends that it was joint and I separated the gifts for this reason and I separated the gift opening time also. They had completely separate cake times and gift times. When I look back at the pictures you can't even tell it was a joint birthday because I didn't mix decorations or gifts at all.
Now, as far as you having this thing jointly to begin with, it sounds like you don't want to and you shouldn't be worried about hurting anyone's feelings by saying so. I know all about family drama, I think my family invented it..lol, but you should simply tell your hubby that you are uncomfortable and then have him tell his sister that it was nice of her to consider having the party jointly but that you guys had already decided on Seaworld and a small party. I have 2 sis-in-laws and I would never dream of trying to simply take over their party plans. They would never let me anyway. :)
If you feel that pressured to go through with it then definitely step in and be part of the plan to keep things separated a little during the party. It needs to be a special day for both kids.
Feel free to email me with any questions. This is my first post on here so not quite sure how mamasource works yet. I am sure they have PM's somewhere though
Goodluck!
K. S.

B., I sense that you must feel that your daughter's birthday party has been taken out of your hands, but you are taking the higher road to go with the flow on this one. Your daughter is young enough that she will only feel the uncomfortableness if you do. Keep a genuine smile on your face, one that comes from knowing that you have done more than your part to keep the peace.
This is imminent, so, this time, you do not have time to work anything else out to satisify everyone. However, I would keep on calmly appealing to your husband to put you and your children before the extended family. If he has trouble doing that, pleeeeeeeeeze see a great family counselor who can put the family roles in perspective for him and teach and train him in how to play this out in everyday life.