Having a Hard Time Being the Happy Positive M. I Want to Be

Say YES as often as you can!!! Get NO out of your vocabulary and things will improve. I promise. And you will be happier too.

If you think you can't stop saying no, here's some ideas:
Instead of NO you can't hit your sister, try saying: I will not let you hit your sister (and if you feel like you can, offer some whys like, that makes her sad, or hitting is not acceptable behavior, or I will always protect you both even if the harm is from your own sister). Try to find out why she is acting out or it will continue.

Instead of NO you can't watch a movie right now, how about: YES, let's watch that movie, what a great idea! (she is directing her life and making choices, go with it whenever you can!), or we could start the movie but we won't be able to finish it because we have to leave soon, so do you want to start it and watch 20 mins of it before we have to go or would you rather wait until we get home and watch the whole thing all at once? (offering choices helps them feel more in control, and they are actually more likely to comply when it's time to go because you made a deal).

Offer choices. I'd rather not have you playing such loud musical instruments in the kitchen while I'm making dinner, could you play in the living room instead or would you like to get out some crayons and color pictures in here and talk to me while I cook? Just remember to offer choices that are acceptable to you! If you are at wits end with the noise and yell shut up or take the band ouside, they just might go outside!

Take some deep breaths when you feel you are going to yell. Leave the room, drink some water, take a moment, then go back to the kids and try again. It's about mutual respect, they are people too, and they're learning appropriate ways to act by watching you. Don't be surprised if they mimic your own behavior!

Try for 1 day saying YES as many times as possible! It can be a Yes, But... like yes I will read you a book, but I need to get dinner in the oven first. Just not a flat out NO. And always follow through with your deals. OK girls, I got dinner in the oven and washed my hands, now where's that book?!

Oh, and if you find yourself about to say NO, ask yourself WHY NOT?! If you don't have a good reason, say YES!!!

Good Luck!!! Shoot me a message if you want more ideas or find yourself stuck on a certain issue! :)

2 moms found this helpful

Not a lot of advice here, but I noticed something neat. You signed as a "SAHM of 2 sweet girls". Boy, that says a lot! You do have a positive outlook. It just sounds like this is a season where you are being very challenged. Your post was great to read, it sounded very proactive.

Sometimes kids are tough. They just are. Not to mention that this weather keeps us inside. I know that going for walks helps me tremendously, and not being able to do that on some days makes those days so much harder.

And don't be so hard on yourself. Who we want to be is not always who we GET to be. When our children are throwing their emotions around, even for perfectly good reasons, it can be immensely draining. "Where do I fit in? When do I get an opinion, or a break, or a thank you?" I think a lot of us ask ourselves these questions more often than we'd care to admit.

I don't have anything super-insightful to add here, other than to take a few moments during the day to honor yourself. Ask your husband for this time if need be. A bouquet of flowers to bring beauty to your space or a candle to light when you feel yourself wondering where you are in all of this. You are a great mom who deserves to make memories for herself. Look around for ways to find a little balance in your day. Be kind to yourself. You're doing your best.

2 moms found this helpful

Redirection is better than saying no all the time. ie- instead of saying "no you can't throw that toy", try "here you can throw this scarf, ball etc..." Good luck:)

1 mom found this helpful

Here's my two cents....you are as normal as normal can be!!! I have an 8 year old bson and 4 year old daughter and they are my heart and soul....do I get overwhelemed and wish that I could just for 5 minutes not hear the word "Mom!!!".....yes, I do. But then I force myself to imagine never hearing that again and all I want to do is scoop up both of my kiddos and look past the mess they made, the homework laying on the counter, the nap that was missed and just be with them. I have a feeling that you would take the bad times instead of the nomore times anyday, right?? So that makes you a Great M. and you should be proud of yourself for always puting them first. Good job MamaK!!!!

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There's tons of great advice out there and books galore, but some of it is just how it is at times. Welcome to the "Oh My, I Yell A Lot and My Kids are Going to Hate Me For It - When Did I Become This Way" Club. My kids are 5, 3 and 16 Months. I have days of greatness and then all the others. I love my kids, but they make me crazy at times - I think you will be hard pressed to find a parent who hasn't felt this way over time. Watch for the positive moments and use them. It does get better - mine are finally able to work together to clean up the toys - not all the time, but more than before!! Celebrate the small victories and keep some chocolate around for YOUR reward!!

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MamaK,

You are by no means alone. My son is 5 and my daughter is 22 months. Many a day it seems like all I do is yell at him for the same things over and over and over. . . Many days it feels like the 2 year old is more mature than the 5 year old.

Try to give them each individual time and attention. Adults spell love L-O-V-E; kids spell love T-I-M-E.

Good luck,
M.

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First of all, your 3-year-old is normal. She is at the stage to feel all sorts of emotions, jealousy, rage, fear, abandonment, and yet she has not figured out how to deal with the emotions. Your job is to help her find words and better ways to express and release these new emotions.

On the other hand, you need a break. I get into the same pattern, and the anger comes from the relentless needs placed on you. You need to get out BY YOURSELF--go to a movie, eat with a girlfriend, anything but work--and take a real break. You might need an all-day thing. You might just need a few hours a few times a week. But you MUST take a break. I've been feeling down since before Christmas, mainly as a result of being shut in with my kids for a month...and I've never bounced back, but this Saturday I'm going out to a movie and dessert with a girlfriend or two. And it's just what I need.

Think about what you need. Is there something you love to do, that your husband could watch the kids for, so you can do it?

I know how you feel. And my daughter and son went through exactly the same 3-year-old stage. Bear with her, for she is just trying to find her way through. And pamper yourself, too. Get a massage. Take a walk. Take care of yourself.

1 mom found this helpful

Everyone who has ever had 2 toddlers has felt the same type of frustration sometimes.

One thing that really helped me was signing up for a cooperative pre-school program with the local community college. For the children 3 and under it only met one morning per week, but it was great to spend time with other moms of children who were about the same age as mine. I could see how other children the same age behaved very much like mine and it was great to meet other moms who had the same issues. I also met other moms to set up play dates.
It also helped to get ideas about how to deal with that age group effectively and positively from the other moms and the teacher.

Hi M. K,

Just want you to know that I have a three year old and we're in the same boat. I have talked to another mom in the same situation this week also and have come to the conclusion that it's quite normal. Hope this helps!

D.

Hello,
I have a 3 1/2 yr boy and a 2 yr boy. And what I can tell you is that every 6 mos or so, things shift just enough to make it a little better, or at least a little different.

Sometimes you just have to wait it out. And the best way to wait it out is to be with other moms. I'm in Moms Club (momsclub.org) and when the going gets tough I throw them in the car and go to our many many events.

-E.

I'm doing a repeat of "the terrible threes" right now...with my six year old. Gawd. Independence seeking makes me want to pull my eyeballs out sometimes. Yes yes yes, utterly important, completely invaluable...but boy is it driving my patience to the wire. We had just finally moved beyond the "stupid sixes", too! Why IS it that as they're growing up they seem and act younger? And not in the snuggly way??? Sigh. We can get through this.

Everyone has already given great advice, and hehehe I don't have to add any. Just reread Kim's for me.

Hang in there,
Z.

I so empathize with what you're feeling. The image we have of ourselves as positive loving mothers goes right out the window when we see one of our children purposely antagonize or hurt our other child no matter how normal that behavior is for small children. I have to admit, it is still the one thing that gets me to raise my voice: my children fighting with one another (it happens less and less now that they are much older).
All I can add to the comments already given is try your best to keep your cool and don't hang onto any image of the "perfect mom" - there is no such thing. Just be loving yet firm and (I must respectfully disagree with one of the earlier posts), don't always say yes and allow your 3 year old to run the show. Now that I have tweenie girls, I see the results of that type of parenting and frankly, it's kind of scary. You wouldn't believe the way some of these girls speak to their parents and other adults! They still think they're in charge and that the world should always say yes to them. What a great disservice to our children. I do think distraction or giving choices are both great methods but "just say no" when your 3 year old is making your little one cry and make it very clear it won't be tolerated and why. If you simply provide a distraction, the behavior is never addressed. I've been really firm about how my daughters treat one another and now that they're older, I see that those lessons have extended out to the way they treat others as well but frankly, it was a long, hard road to get there! :-)
Be gentle on yourself and know that your children will have memories of you as more than just happy and positive but also as a strong guiding force in their lives that gave them a solid foundation for kind, loving and responsible behavior.

Dont feel bad for writing it...we all know what you are saying and that you have a normal 3yr old! We have all been there and no exactly what you are talking about. No one is perfect and we as Moms all will eventually get to the point where we find something we are doing that we wish we could change. It sucks to find yourself yelling, as I too have delt with this. I find that acknowledging it is a huge step...now that you are aware of how it is visualize how you wish your conversations with the kids would go, then just do it. I have found that my kids have found out that mommy means business when she is talking calmly (as opposed to my normally silly regular voice)it has worked for me so far. I just told myself I didnt want to be a yeller and I do the best I can to make that happen...granted...no ones perfect:) I did just have a mini yelling fit when I found my 1 yr old in the fireplace:)

Just remember...take a deep breath and use your normal voice! As`far as the feeling overwhelmed is concerned, I got nothing for you....I think that is the "normal" state of being for a Mommy!!!:)

K.

Being a mom is a TOUGH JOB!! It's the hardest, most rewarding work you will EVER do. Give yourself breaks once in a while. See if hubby will watch the kids once in a while so you can destress.

From what I am reading in your email, my two girls did EXACTLY the same thing. My sweet younger thing was picked on a lot by her jealous older sister, and started physically fighting back. I'm STILL teaching them about boundaries, respect, and to stop fighting. Some lessons are learned right away, and some take years. Then, the younger would have temper tantrums, so the older one would emulate her. They love to learn the bad from each other more than the good, it seems.

YOU ARE NOT DOING A BAD JOB! IT'S JUST VERY CHALLENGING! Just remember that. In our church mothers of young children are considered the most saintly people because of the self-sacrifice, patience and work that goes into it.

I too have a 3 yo boy, and they can be more than a handful. 3 yo's are openly defiant, it is just part of their normal development (not that it make it any easier on YOU). When I find myself about to loose my cool - I take a time out. I just walk away and go sit in the timeout area (ours is at the bottom of the stairs). Usually this throws my son for such a loop that he stops what he is doing to come over and see if I am OK. Then I can tell him that I was loosing my temper, and I needed a time out to get myself back together. I have been doing this for a few months, and now sometimes he will storm off and sit HIMSELF in timeout.

I was reading this mamasource post, and my next email was from ParentCenter - and it was on the same topic of your question. Here is a link to the article:

http://www.babycenter.com/0_defiance-why-it-happens-and-w...

Good luck, hang in there. You are still a good Mom even if you loose your cool sometimes. People are LYING if they say they have never lost thier temper with thier kids.

You have lots of great responses. I'll make mine short: Watch an episode of Super nanny to see how she gets families to deal with exactly what you are dealing with. I learned a lot from just watching her once. Have your children watch it with you. It helps them understand better too.

That's all. You are a great mother. Keep up the good work! Keep up the good communication!

I saw a lot of great responses, so I will just share with you a trick that I learned from taking early childhood education classes. I have used them very successfully on my children as well as countless children I cared for.

Everyone responds better to things put in a positive way instead of in a negative way. So instead of saying "no don't hit your sister", say "give your sister nice touches", and take her hand and pet her sister softly. Then encourage that behavior by saying something like "oh thats so much better, or that is a really nice soft touch." See how you are saying the same thing, just in a positive way? Also, give her choices, but only the choices you want her to take. Like if you want to go somewhere and want her to pick up her toys, tell her, "your choices are, help Mommy pick up your toys, OR Mommy will pick them up and you will have a time out. Obviously the second choice is much less attractive, but you may have to go through with it one or two times to let her know you will.

I have found for my 3 year old, a very successful tool for dealing with temper tantrums is their bedroom. When she starts throwing a tantrum I tell her to go to he room, and usually have to carry her there, kicking and screaming. I put her on her bed and tell her, "you can come out as soon as you are done crying." If she tries to come out before the tantrum is done, I just repeat the process. Often she will forget about what she is crying about and start playing with her toys. :) It will get quiet in there so I will poke in my head and she will be playing. Then I will go in and act like I don't remember it either, and play with her a little while.

Even though you know you are saying the same things as "no", you will even feel better about saying positive things lol. Funny how we are even able to trick ourselves. :) I hope this helps. Good luck.

T.

Hello MamaK,
I have a similar situation with 2 boys close in age. They are now almost 3 and almost 5 but I remember when they were younger. My older one would have tantrums too and we chose to ignore them; which although it was difficult, was soon successful. We encouraged by saying, "Use your words" and now they are getting better at using their words. We still have occasional tantrums but not like before.
My older one was also really rough on the little one. I tried to say you must touch gently or not at all. Now the younger one is bigger and while they still wrestle it is more equal.
When my guys were young, it was sooo overwhelming; especially because they are close in age. When my older one was 3yrs 4mos old, I found a small sweet pre-school for him to go to 2 mornings a week. He loves it and I think its nice for the two to have time away from each other. Perhaps your older girl would like this too? You can often find pre-schools or even just home day cares that cater especially to 3-5 year olds. It could be her special thing to do.
The other thing I started doing (which was really hard for me to do) is to get a sitter to come to my home one morning a week to watch my little guy while the big guy is at school. I use this time to get a hair cut, do my grocery shopping, take a big walk in the woods or just treat myself to a coffee and read. I have found that some time away from the boys really really helped. I feel like it made me nicer when I was with them again. Like I said, it was really hard for me to do...It was hard to let go and be sure everything was going to be alright. But it was and it is and I highly recommend it.(I know its easier said than done, but once we got on the routine of it, things were great.)
All in all, I think you are a great mommy and your kids sound like my kids, like all kids. Because while they are all individuals, it seems they have more in common than we as mothers think. Life has gotten easier for me now that the boys are older, as well. So hang in there, try to get a little "Me" time in, as I feel it is tremendously regenerative; even my 3 hours a week.
Love and Light to you, B.

M. K, hang in there. You are not alone. I am the mom to a #.5 year old a two year old and 7 month old. My two older ones are such a handful. I try about ever other month with different disipline tactics and nothing ever works. All i can say is take everything one thing at a time. When you feel like you just cant handle it anymore walk away and take a few deep breathes and a big drink of water. Remember, just being a mom in itself is an exceptional task. You are creating great memories everyday. They dont all have to be out of this world. It really when it comes down to it the simple things loving them being there for them. So, keep your cool. The water may get rough, hang on for dear life and know the wind will eventually stop blowing!!!!

welcome to the club! Must be 3 yr olds.. my son is driving me crazy! I think part of it is being housebound this winter...getting to both of us. when the weather is decent we get outside for a bit. I have also been trying to sit down and read to him when he starts bouncing off the walls. only problem is that is usually when i need to start supper! Enter Daddy!
Good luck. glad for all the other responses that say it will get easier!

First things first, welcome to the world of having a 3 year old. Your child is a true 3 year old and with a younger sibling, she may be feeling that the younger child gets more attention than she is. She may be lashing out because any attention will be great, as long as it is attention.

My son who is 4 is going through that right now. He is delayed due to his sensory processing disorder, so we are going through the terrible 3's while he is 4.

The thing that I did was make time that was only for he and I. We started going to the Children's Museum (one of his favorites) or wherever he wanted to go. Like, last weekend, I asked him if he wanted to go to the toystore here in Hillsboro, but he said no, he wanted to go to the big toystore (Finnigan's downtown). I made it his choice because I think that kids need to learn that they will be learning a lot of things in the future, but they have a say in what we do. The weekend before that, we asked him if he wanted to go to the ocean or Mt. Hood. He chose mt. Hood and we went sledding (lost our sled there, but oh well).

I would just set aside some time for you to spend only with that child and maybe explain to her that sometimes, little baby's need more attention and that she is such a big girl that you know that she doesn't need as much help growing. Tell her thank you for being such a big girl constantly. This will help boost her ego and let her know that you are proud of her.

You can also ask her to help you teach your younger child to do things. I do this constantly and then praise my older child for helping mommy. He loves it.

Another little note of something I do here at the house: I have a book that is geared for helping kids learn their pre-school activities. I copy pages for the kids to color together at the table. It is the same page and they learn the same things. You can do this with any coloring page, but I felt that at age 3, it was more appropriate to help him learn (even though behind) and then the little one could feel entertained too. It has worked out to our benefit and now my son is helping to teach his little sister the letters and numbers, shapes and other objects that he knows.

Keep trying these things and you are not a bad mom. I think we all go through that time when it becomes too much. Becoming too much happens in spurts, so keep your focus and I hope these things work for you as they have worked for me.

Kim B.

Hi M. K-
Parenting with Love and Logic....an amazing way of raising kids. There is a book, which is easy to read, and it is a whole theory of how to enjoy your kids without getting mad. I've used it as a teacher and mom and it sure relieves some of the guilt I laid on myself....getting mad doesn't feel good. Also, have you checked out "The Daily Groove" by Scott Noelle. www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove It is a daily e-mail that gives great tid-bits about how to stay centered as a parent. It's really helped me. Good luck. A.

Hey M. K! I am so with you. I became an angry M. when my oldest turned 3. She is 5 now, and looking back I can see that we had the terrible 3's instead of the terrible two's. Personality can make it harder, if they are smart and strong, and try to be independant, which my daughter was. In any case, it definately didn't help the situation when I too got angry, primarily because then I had lost control, and could not be the parent in the situation. What I learned during that time, was to change how I said things. Instead of using the word "no" all the time, use phrases like, "stop hitting your sister". Or "it is not okay to speak to mommy like that". I found that she stopped and listened more. I also found out that toddlers don't respond to the word "no"! And I found that showing grace in some situations softens their little hearts. So once in the grocery store when she was having a huge meltdown because I wouldn't let her have a cookie, I just picked her up and held her and soothed her like she was hurt, and it calmed her immediately. That was so against my nature...I wanted to scream at her! But I knew it would only make more of a scene, so I tried doing the opposite, and it worked great, and then when we got home, I talked to her about how inappropriate her behavior was. Anyway, not to discourage you, but that year was the hardest year for me, and then when she turned 4, it changed, and now there are hardly any tantrums. Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Also, if you read Christian books, there is a great book called: "There She Blows" by Julie Ann Barnhill, on anger, if you are interested. You can't be in control of every situation, but you can control how you respond, and it may not always be with a smile, but hopefully without angry words!

Mamak, take a deep breath, and dont beat up oin yourself. my little man just turned 4, adn those that say terrible 2s, just have not gotten to the 3's yet... my little guy was a hellion, fits like I had never seen... but he turned 4 about a month ago, and I swear a light switch was flipped... just hold on, and be patient with yourself. It is ok to not always be the positve upbeat parent. That is why we are parents, and not their aunts & uncles... it is our job to set limits on what behavior is acceptable or not, and sometimes that means saying no, and even yelling... hang in there it will get better!

My two girls are also 17 months apart. They are 3.5 and 5 now and I remember when they were 3 and 1.5 and it was much more difficult. My older one started the tantrums at 3 when hearing no as well. It will pass and it will get easier! Hang in there and make sure to give yourself some breaks!

Wow, it's so nice to hear all the responses to your concerns. Btw, I grew up in Kirkland and now live in Yakima. I REALLY miss it!!!

I have 3 boys, 5, 3 and 16 months old. I had a challenge when my 5 year old was 3 (he's great now) and now am having a worse challenge with my 3 year old. I have asked myself what am doing wrong. I see some areas where we can improve as a family. But, I have read about toddler Bi-polar disorder because I felt his behavior has been that bad. Extreme highs and low, lows. He's fine if he gets what he wants, but the second you say no it's total melt down. My husband and I fight about it because we get so overwhelmed. I don't know the answers or anything, I just wanted to tell my story. Most people say, it's normal 3 year old behavior, but as his mommy I just want him to be happy. It pains me to see him so unhappy. I don't know anymore what is normal, all I know is it's not working for my family. I can say that I saw his behavior worsen as I was pregnant with my 3rd. I know that I need to get help in learning to deal with a child who has such melt downs & not to say he has a mental disorder (he's WAY to young) to decide that. I do think I will sit down with the pediatrician and discuss our problems further. Isn't it hard to see the younger one picking up angry behaviors from the older one. Good luck and hope time heals your daily struggles!
A.

Hi M. K! I'm feeling a bit like you today. I also have two girls, 17 months apart, age 20 months and just over 3. So much in common! I was just trying to pull myself together at nap time after a frustrating day in which I definitely lost my temper. I just had to pray for my nerves to be smoothed over and am praying for patience upon patience. You're not alone, and I'm not either I see! Sounds like you're a great mom and are striving to do your best. I guess we can't always be the perfect mom, but like you, I'm not going to settle and be less than I can be. Just let it be water under the bridge, apologize if you need to, and get a little quiet time if you need to revamp. Wondering what area you live in? If you're close, we could always meet for coffee!

I know it's hard to maintain self control when things bother you and you don't know what to do about it. That is one of the main causes of parental frustration and anger--not knowing what to do about something. If you knew what to do, you wouldn't get angry, right?

Well, rather than tell you what to do, could I suggest a book that might help? It has helped me a lot and eliminated virtually all of my frustration with my toddler. You can read it online at http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com or order it there to have a hard copy. The book's main focus is little ones, as opposed to older kids (a lot of books seem to have a focus on school-age children, which isn't very helpful to parents of toddlers!), and it has really helped me a lot. Hope you find it helpful too. :)