February 27, 2012,
S.M. asks from Denton, TX on February 23, 2012
Have You Ever Been Disappointed in How Your Life Has Turned Out? Vent
I know that I should be thankful for what I have, and I am. But sometimes I just get so frustrated because I always wanted my life to be a certain way and it is nothing like it. And what's worse, I feel like I can look back and point out the exact moments in time when I made my wrong turns. When I was a kid, and even a teenager, I always wanted to be a stay at home mom and have 4 kids. My husband just simply does not make nearly enough money to make this a possibility. I have gone over and over the numbers and there is just no way it can work. Let's put it this way...if I quit my job, we would easily qualify for food stamps, medicaid, etc and I am not the type of person who would choose to live on government assistance. I do sometimes resent my husband for not making enough money. But I knew he didn't go to college and couldn't really make that much money when I married him. To give a little history so you can understand, I got pregnant at 18. The father was abusive and I left when my daughter was 6 months and he hasn't been in the picture ever since. When I moved back to Texas I reconnected with a high school boyfriend and we were together for 2 years. He was the love of my life and we talked about marraige when he was done with college. But after he graduated college, he (with a lot of pressure from his family) decided that he didn't want to marry someone who already had a child. I was devastated. My best friend was totally there for me, and he loved my daughter. So, long story short, I ended up marrying my best friend. And I do love him very much, he treats me well, and does everything in his power to make me happy and he loves my daughter like she is his own. And we now have a son together. I have no intention of divorcing him, but sometimes I just really wish I had a husband that I was "in love" with and that could provide for a family. And for several reasons, I will never have any more children than the 2 I presently have. If I had married the high school boyfriend, money would not be an issue. I do get to stay home with my son, but I also work a full time job which I work out of the office in my house. It's very stressful to be stuck in the house all of the time with a 14 month old, caring for him and also having to work 40 hours a week. I'm worn out, and I resent my husband for it. I can't tell him any of this because there isn't anything he can do, and it will just hurt his feelings. So I guess my question is, how do I stop thinking about how I messed up in the past, be thankful for what I do have and focus on the future?
BTW: Yes, I do have depression, and am on meds for it, but I still have lots of days where I just feel really sad about how things have turned out.
So What Happened?™
Thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I already feel a little better just having gotten all that out because I have holding it in for so long. I also feel better knowing that I am not alone. I guess everyone makes mistakes in life and you just have to pick up and move on. I will try harder to focus on what's in front me and be more thankful for what I have.
B.S. answers from Lansing on February 23, 2012
I saw a great quote on pinterest
You can't have a better tomorrow if you're always thinking about yesterday.
I think this is so true. I think if everyone looks in there past they can pick out things they would have done differently. Certainly....my life did not go as planned. But I have two beautiful daughters and a husband whom treats me like a princess. I think the key is to focus on what you do have and not what you always thought you would have.
3 moms found this helpful
K.B. answers from Tulsa on February 23, 2012
I am not "depressed" right now and I have those days. To me it is common but in real life I would only tell maybe two dear friends.
My first husband barely graduated high school. It was awful. We did without any extras and still could not get ahead. We lived with my family for years and I was a grown woman. I lost friends because they thought I was lying about not being able to afford to eat out, go places, take vacations, or relax and just have fun like before.
We still could not get ahead with the medical bills, cars breaking down, gas, etc... People ask me all the time while I stayed so long. Truth be told, if I could go back, I would find another way but being so broke is stressful and depressing. No pill could fix how I felt.
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A.B. answers from Sarasota on February 23, 2012
You are not alone. Boy, do I struggle with the same thing. I came away from my childhood with a DEEP-seated desire to have my own family and be a SAHM myself one day. I think partly because subconsciously I felt it would let me relive my childhood in a way.
I made sure my husband knew when we were only dating that I would not want to work after we had kids. Well, he makes a pretty decent salary but thanks to a bad investment he made I had to go back to work full time. I too have struggled with *big-time* resentment.
One thing that helps me is reminding myself that the cost of living HAS gone up tremendously even since you and I were kids, and fewer and fewer moms can stay home these days (unless, like Tracy mentioned, they want to be washing out and reusing their Ziploc bags). And that's not our husbands' faults. Your husband's salary may very well have supported a SAHM and 4 kids just a generation or two ago. But things have gotten harder and harder on the middle class since then. I won't get into why I feel that is b/c I don't want to make this political, lol.
Good luck and best wishes to all of us struggling with these feelings.
ADDED: I know you are disappointed in your husband, but see this through with him. You are stronger together than apart.
7 moms found this helpful
R.K. answers from Appleton on February 23, 2012
Stop looking at the closed door and turn around and look for open doors and windows.
You are a young woman. Your life has barely just begun. The opportunities are there for you and your hubby. Both of you can go back to school, get a better education and better jobs. You are not stuck.
Everyone has made mistakes in their life. The point is do not dwell on your mistakes and work at making a life the one you want it to be. It is all up to you---move forward. Go to counseling and work out your issues. Go and talk to a counselor at a college or university and see what you need to do to make a better life for you and your family. No one will do this for you. It's time to take a deep breath and step into the abyss.
You can do this -- have faith in yourself.
6 moms found this helpful
J.P. answers from Los Angeles on February 23, 2012
You will cause depression in the mere fact you are looking at a closed door.
My real life includes working part time, homeschooling 3 of my 4 kids, a very unromantic husband, but a great dad who works in my office. Both our cars are paid off. Rare international travel. No books, yet.
It is what it is. I'm enjoying each moment....or trying to. (I'm breastfeeding the 9 month old while I type this, thinking I need to go get ready for work.)
My best friend married a guy who made $60MILLION last MONTH and she's miserable. Yep, she is a stay at home mom, has a plane, a nanny, a housekeeper, 2 kids, a Mercedes and a Ferrari...and she is miserable. She wanted to be an attorney.
Our other friend wanted to be a nun and ended up with 3 kid and is a CIA agent. LOL
Find 3 good things about each day and be grateful for what you have. You could still be beaten by your ex. You have no idea what the truth is about your college boyfriend....and the truth is, as harsh as it is, he did not marry you. He might not have married you anyway, without the daughter. That sounds like a big fat excuse from him.
Money only makes you more of what you already are! So be happy and enjoy the wonderful man you have in your life....and 2 healthy children. Find something that gives you joy.
6 moms found this helpful
A.H. answers from Omaha on February 23, 2012
Oh the curse of "the grass is always greener" can be so evil, but the truth is, it never is better. You just trade one set of dislikes for another or realize life wasn't as bad as you thought.The only way to combat it is to realize the blessings you have in your life. You wanted 4 kids, but only have 2. What if you couldn't have any? You're husband doesn't make a lot of money, but it sounds like he loves you and works hard for your family. Some people will never know that kind of love. My point is God truly has a plan for all of us to prosper and live a joyful life on this earth, you just need to tap into that. Read the Power of a Praying Wife. If you want change in your husband it will help you by looking at what needs to change within yourself too. We can all sit back and kick ourselves for taking a wrong turn in life or we can say to God, I messed up on such and such, but I am asking for your forgiveness and guidance and He will lavish blessing upon you. It may not be in the form of winning the lottery or becoming independently wealthy, but you find yourself noticing the small daily blessings to big ones that knock you off your feet. The only part of the "made my bed, now I have to lay in it" mentality I agree on is the ownership part. Owning those mistakes is crucial, but you don't have to stay in a situation that is not productive. Just figure out how to make the situation better. There is always a way. God Bless!
5 moms found this helpful
A.S. answers from Boca Raton on February 23, 2012
What if God's hand was in it all? What if you were meant to be in this moment? Whether you know it or not you are somebody's hero. Especially those children of yours. Your life is precious, and important. Never ever forget that.
It's so hard not to play the "what-if" game. But if you're going to do that you have to also do it in the negative. Things could have gone very badly in those other scenarios too.
You might like book "The Power of Now." It's esoteric and New Age-ish (not usually my thing) but very thought-provoking. Right now is ALL that we have.
Good luck and I'm thinking of you.
5 moms found this helpful
☆.A. answers from Pittsburgh on February 23, 2012
You say "I ended up marrying my best friend. And I do love him very much, he treats me well, and does everything in his power to make me happy and he loves my daughter like she is his own. And we now have a son together."
The rest is noise.
"Love" vs. "In love" is a childish comparison.
The fact that he loves you, your daughter and has had a son with you, alone, should speak volumes about his character.
Yes--I can pinpoint decisions/choices in my life that has "closed a door" in some regard. I'm 48, so I've got a fair amount of life experience on which to reflect--the breakup with a very wealthy friend, surely heir to a successful family business, a college major that I loved, but not necessarily a high-earning guarantee, waiting until I was independent and secure before getting married, and a late-in-life (39) pregnancy & delivery to name a few.
But, you know what I've found out?
Life is generally what you make it.
How does the song go? It's not having what you want--it's wanting what you have.
So--if you don't want what you have--YOU need to find a way to change that. I don't know you or your situation. It might be about debt, a high mortgage, keeping up with the Jones', or lack of additional education, lack of a plan--more the feeling that you are being "carried" down the river of life, drifting, without the ability to make a change. And that's simply not true.
There are MANY SAHMs with low household incomes that make it work. It's hard I'm sure. It might involve evening/weekend work for you or a second job for your husband but it CAN work. Sorry--I'm not a big believer in throwing my hands up and saying "I give." I am a believer in leaving the cave, killing something and dragging it home.
Good luck identifying what it is, exactly, that YOU (and your husband where you can work as a team) CAN DO to make the changes you'd like to see!
5 moms found this helpful
T.K. answers from Dallas on February 23, 2012
I truly wish I could be a 'wealthy' sahm. Not a one car, wash your ziploc bags out sahm.
I'm so envious! I would work out, run errands, be with my kids, join clubs, volunteer. It would be so great to make it to every event and school outing. But alas, I have a soft spot for a broke man.
My mom used to say it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor one. I never knew what that meant, but now I get it!
I will always need to support our family. While I love the independance and having money in my pocket, I still wish I had a wealthy husband! It's great never having to ask anybody for anything, never having to justify my expenditures or my time, but I would love to try the other side for a while.
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✤.J. answers from Dover on February 23, 2012
I don't think I know a single person whose life turned out just the way they expected it to. Mine sure didn't. To me, it's all about perspective. If changing yours isn't doable, maybe you should consider a medication change before it gets to the point where how you're feeling really starts affecting every other aspect of your life.
4 moms found this helpful