Have Two, Husband Wants to Try Again

L. let me respond hopefully without getting bashed here. My husband and I had decided that after 2 we were done, but neither of us had done anything permanent to stop it. I became pregnant by total accident (Using birth control) I lost that baby. Well I was devastated, and decided that I was done. Looking back I think that my husband took that loss alot harder than I did. Well for 8 months he kept asking for another I finally gave in and I got pregnant the first night we tried. My baby was born with several congenital heart defects, and some other health problems that landed him in the hospital fighting for his life. He is now 18 months old and doing great, but I always feel like I made a mistake by bringing him into this world. I would not change it for a anything, and I love him more than life it's self, but I can't shake that feeling of regret, and I feel guilty as hell for it. I always think to myself that if I wouldn't of had him I could be home free (both older kids are in school} but now I have this baby, and I am still stuck at home, and constantly looking for childcare so that I can contribute to my family financially. I can never find anyone that will watch him because of his health condition, and I have no family that is willing to help so it is a constant on going battle. I have been told that I am suffering from postpartum, but I don't think that's possible 18 months into it. I honestly don't know what it is, but I feel like I was pressured into something that I did not really want. I am not saying that I don't love or want my son, but I am saying that could have contributed to my feelings of despair. I think it's very important for you to both agree one way or the other, and stick with whatever decision that you 2 make together. Whatever happens it will work out. It always does. Good luck with whatever you decide.

1 mom found this helpful

I do agree it doesn't have to be expensive to have a baby. Breast feeding helps, if you really want formula DON'T be afraid to buy Walmart brand formula, it is just as good. Clothes, if you have from your others yet that will help. If not buy at garage sales etc.... for all the baby needs.

Age--- I had my first at 38 and my second girl at 43. EXHAUSTION was my biggest problem with the second one. I didn't think I'd live through the first 3-4 months. I barely knew whether I was coming or going.
Both girls are very healthy. It was hard on me with swelling with both, and on my second weight gain on me!!!!!!!! Which I've never been able to lose. This is all due to my age!!
If you really want to try for one more, do it NOW. The longer you wait, the more likely chance of birth defects. You can always have tests done to find out a few months into the pregnancy.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

It is difficult financially now no matter how many children you have. You will NEVER regret having a third child, but someday you may regret not having one.

IMHO you are going to do what you want, but at your ages I am thinking that there are too many risk factors, financial is one of the bigger ones. IF you were ten years younger and the economy was in a good place, it would be different. What if you had a child with Downs syndrome? Tne risks are greater at your age. How would you handle that?. Alternatives: is adopting an older child, 2 or 3 years old an option?

We have 3 children. We debated for awhile on having a 3rd because my husband is the type to really worry about financial stuff. The truth is, our budget hasn't really changed a whole lot since she was born almost 2 years ago. I breastfeed and she got a bottle of formula a couple times a week so feeding her was almost free for 6 months. I rarely bought jarred baby food for any of my kids... just fork-smashed or pureed (Magic Bullet is perfect for the small amounts) whatever the rest of the family was eating, fed regular oatmeal, applesauce, yogurt, etc. We also used cloth diapers, which we had purchased 7 years ago for our oldest, exclusively for the first 8-10 months so we didn't have a diaper cost. By the time we started putting her into disposable diapers, my then-2-year-old was potty trained and so we just continued with the same 'diaper budget'. We've only noticed a slight increase in our grocery budget... our family of 5 (including the growing boy that eats like a 'growing boy') is around $75/week and that includes stuff like diapers, dog food, cleaners, etc and not just food stuff. And we eat better than most people I know who spend twice as much a week.

As for activities and stuff like that... kids do just fine without a full schedule. In fact, all the research argues in favor of lots of downtime. Our oldest is in cub scouts (very cheap activity) and plays 1 sport at a time. Our girls haven't taken any classes or sports yet but the soon-to-be 4 year old will be in soccer this summer. Our calendar is jam packed with activities and special events that are completely free - free kid concert series in the park, touch-a-truck, family walk/runs, etc offered by the parks department in addition to just spending alot of time at local parks (there are over 100 within a 30 minute drive) having a picnic and exploring with other moms from the mother's group or by ourselves.

Anyways... of course raising 3 kids will cost more than 2 but it doesn't have to be a huge increase. I'd be more concerned about the health effects of having a baby in my 40s. If it was me, I'd probably look at adoption if I was in my 40s and really wanting a girl.

Babies don't cost very much especially if you breastfeed. By the time your child does start to want things, the economy may be turned around. My biggest worry would be the risk of chromosomal defects such as Down's. That is a risk you have to be willing to accept if you have a baby over age 35. Many people do it though and have perfectly healthy babies. Good luck!

Hi L.. Not sure how much help I will be. First off, I want to let you kno that I understand your concern. I will be 50 in Oct and the mother of 5 wonderful kids (2 girls and 3 boys..all grown) and grandmother to 4 beautiful grandkids..2 boys and 2 girls. We are cureently raising 2 of our grandkids...ages 8 y/o and her 15 month old brother and raising them is what prompted me to respond to your question.I'm sure that you are aware of the health risks at having a child at your age..but I sugggest that you and your husband talk to your ob/gyn together so that your husband is aware of the risks to you as well. With that being said..it has been a financial strain on us raising our grandkids..especially with having a 15 month old. he was 7 seven months old when he came to live with us...the cost of formula,diapers and baby food is what cost us the most. We are done with formula and baby food..still buying diapers...but our finances improved alot once we were done with the formula and baby food. I have health issues so taking care of a baby hasnt been easy on me and I do have a son that has multiple disabilities...he is now 22 y/o and lives with us.
But I wouldnt trade any of it, Yes its been hard but its been very rewarding. And we kno that its thru the Grace of God that we have been making it thru all the rough times and He will get us thru all the future rough times.
I am sure that you and your husband will get thru it as well.
If its laying on your heat to have another baby..I would go thru with it..but I strongly urge you to both talk to yoyr dr first so that you are all aware of the risks...and if after talking with your dr and you decide to have another baby...are you willing to have a baby that could be born with a disability/disabilities? My son is a blessing to me and altho I have had to teach him all of his life..he has taught me so much more and has given me so much more. I have NEVER regretted having him and I would do it again without a second thought.
But I do have a question....if you do decide to have another baby...what if its another boy? Just wondering
Good Luck and God Bless

Hi

Go for it........I had my first at 41 and we are trying for another one i'm 45..........my husband has a daughter from first marriage so like you we want 3...........You'll find a way!!!!good luck

cathy

Hi L.
I myself have 2 boys. 19 and 15. I am 46. I would have loved a little girl but no guarantees. The older they get the harder it gets, and the more expensive it is. It costs me $200-300 a week in groceries. I can't imagine having to raise anymore kids in this day and age. Kids don't have the same respect we did when we were growing up especially if they have been so used to getting everything and are very spoiled.

It is very hard especially when you have to put them in daycare etc. They get sick from other kids, they pick up other peoples bad habits, and the list goes on, PLUS you have to pay for it.

Unfortunately, the older you get the more risks involved. Sometimes you just have to feel blessed with what you have. Although, if your health is fantastic, you have a great job, and you can afford it, i wish you the best of luck.

What does your husband say about the fact that it might be another boy?

My husband just recently lost his job after 25 years with the same company - imagine the stress on us with only one in college, i can't imagine if we had more than one more to worry about.
In this economy, you never know what may be around the corner and you need to cover all the bases.

Sorry if this sounds like i'm ranting, hopefully not.

Good luck to you. Keep us posted. You are in my prayers.

Consider yourself blessed to have a loving marriage and two healthy boys and just enjoy your life together. Why is this "incomplete"? I don't understand at all. I have 4 children that I adore BUT raising them has been a strain on my marriage and our finances. 1 in college, 2 in high school, and 1 preschooler who was born prematurely and still is catching up (when I was 39). I love them deeply, but the teenage challenges are worse than those in the younger years -- combine that with the preemie challenges and you have one exhausted mom and dad. Bottom line....why take the risk that another child may have disabilities, may strain your marriage and/or your finances, when you have 2 great boys, stable finances, a manageable schedule, and a loving relationship already?

I AM the third child. I'm so glad my parents decided not to stop at 2!
But seriously, things don't matter. Love does. As long as you know you can feed a family of 5 and pay for the basic necessities, I think you shouldn't worry so much about money. You're husband is right, you will find a way. After all, what are your best memories from childhood? Mine don't involve expensive vacations, cars or clothes. We wore hand-me-downs from my cousins, we shared bedrooms and giggled all night, went to the library every week, picnics on sunny Saturdays.... it was a great childhood!
Follow your heart on this one.

My best friend has three and she said that the cost difference between one and two was very minimal, but the cost difference between two and three was huge. First of all, most food (boxed, canned, etc) is portioned for a family of four. Adding another you have to buy the bigger portions and it adds up quick! Plus she said if you have three you might as well have four because there is always (sadly) and odd man out with three. She has all boys and the youngest is left out of everything. Just my thoughts. I hate to discourage you, but I'm not one to sugar coat.
Good luck in whatever you decide, though!!

Dear L., Just my story, I dont want encourage or discourage you. Follow your heart. I had my 3rd at 37, our 4th,( a step-daughter), a little girl. Born absolutley healthy. We went for the amnio, almost an hours drive, when I got there I looked at my husband and said "I'm Having this baby no matter what", and didnt do the test. When she was 5 weeks old, I had my tubes tied, she was our 4th, we were done. I had 2 boys, now I had 2 girls. Life was pefect, we are on the low end of middle-class, but so happy. She was the light of my life. We had 75 glorious days with her, and I do mean glorious. She was breastfed, a good little sleeper, a happy baby. She passed away at 75 days to SIDS. My biggest regret in life was having my tubes tied. We mis her every minute of every day. If I could have all the money in the world, or anouther child, I know I can never have Sommer back, just a child, even a polka-dot child, I would choose that every time. Our family will forever feel incomplete. Yours may not if you decide against it, my point being you can never go back, only forward. Soon it will be too late for you. Please look into your heart, and follow it. I completely agree times are tough, ( OH Believe Me!) but love raises a child, not money.I wish you the best, you will make the right decision for YOUR family. That being said, I am a Christian, and believe God will provide in the darkest of times, He has given me the peace to live without my daughter. Also, we live in the greatest Country in the world, no matter happens, your kids wont starve. Please keep us updated, and have peace in your heart whatever you decide. God Bless you and your family.

A.

Hi L., it is funny because I read the heading and I was reading have two husbands wow I was wondering how you were doing that. Anyway God can do wonders, I know as he has helped me in so many situations. One more baby would be a blessing only if the two of you comes to that agreement. We don't always need to give our kids all the 'extras' sometimes just our love means everything.

To Debra M - Didn't you learn in pre-school - If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything!!!

Hi L.,
My mom always said, don't wait until you can afford to have a baby because you'll never have enough (at least you'll feel like you won't have enough). Obviously meaning we weren't broke but there's always something that needs fixed or something we want. A baby is a big decision, but I'm sure as you know, it's well worth it!
Good luck!

If he is willing, consider that a green light that a lot of women don't get. How is your health and your husband's health? Advanced age brings risks for the mother and genetic problems for the child. Also, there is concern for miscarriage. Is there anything in the family you should be concerned about?

As for finances you can get good clothes at garage sales, rummage sales and resale shops. How about planting a garden to get your own produce? What many people forget in these tuff times have been with us before. I went through it in the 1970s. We worried about inflation and high price of gas along with how many miles per gallon our autos got. Hard economic times are NOTHING NEW!! You just got be financially creative!

When it comes to affording college -- remember there are scholarships out there. My daughters got music scholarship money from Cleveland State. The younger daughter left CSU to go into the Army Reserves. She got accepted at the San Francisco Conservatory of Music and she will graduate this month. She plans on joining the Army Reserve Band in the U.S. for the next three years to pick up her tab of $50,000 at SFCM. The cost to us -- nothing. Plus, she will get good benefits.

Moral of the story -- if you don't have the $$ to send them to college -- let them find a way. Music lessons may be seen as an unaffordable extra. However, if your children start piano lessons by first grade, then they can advance to other instruments. By high school, they can be quite proficient and on the path to a musical scholarship.

Many parents try putting their children in sports so they can get a college scholarship. The problem with that is that in some high schools, the competition is so fierce, that when the child does not make the sports team they are left without a chance to get a sports scholarship.

Where there is a will there is a way. Good Luck.

PRAY! Allow God to help with the planning. He has a great plan. With prayer, if you feel God is calling you to have another, then TRUST!

God Bless,

M.

My husband is 7 years older than me and he was 40 when our third child was born. I was the one who really wanted a third child and both of us are REALLY, REALLY glad we had a third. The child is now almost 20 and HE says he wants to have his kids at a younger age than we were when we had him! Even at 33, I felt like an "oldster" on the maternity ward when I had him. :) Our girls were 8.5 and 6.5 when he was born so it was more like a second family for us, where you have a 1 year old already.

Re finances-- let's face it, when you have a kid you're going to be broke for 20 years anyway. LOL Adding one more doesn't really seem to make that much difference, especially the one more between 2 kids and 3 kids. I have several friends who have 4 kids and they all said the 4th made a bigger difference than going from 2 to 3.

Re trying for a girl--I like your attitude of welcoming either a boy or girl. We had 2 girls and I really, really wanted a boy, but I did get to the place where I wanted a THIRD CHILD more than I specifically wanted a boy. It really didn't matter whether he was a boy or girl...I just wanted a third child. Happened to get a boy which was like a special blessing...we are SO GLAD we had him. i cannot believe he's almost 20 years old.

WE had two 6 and 4 and we thought our family was complete. Then along came #3, Oopsie! I was so looking forward to getting the second out of day care and into school. I was going to get a new car! Well, I didn't get the new car, because I still had to pay for childcare, but I love my daughter more than any car. It has all worked out for us. It was hard in the beginning because we had gotten rid of all the baby stuff, so we had to start from scratch. We had lots of yard sale stuff, but it was all good. She's two now and our circumstances have changed again; I'm working from home now. I thought about adding #4, but our cars only hold 5, so we'd have to have 2 new cars, and that we can't afford. Since you have a 6 year old and a 1 yr. old, the baby would have a playmate and you would have a helper. I was amazed how good my oldest was with the baby. There were times when I had to fight her for the baby. Being as that I was the mommy and therefore the only one who could feed that child, I won out most of the time! She loved to change diapers and put her clothes on. She still does. It has been a wonderful experience for our family to add a baby, it has brought out the caring and compassion of the older two. Good luck with what ever you decide.

Well, we are in the same boat but I'm only 29 so we have time. But, it doesn't change the question, "Can we put 3 kids through college?". The third will be the cheapest of the three if you use almost everything from the first even if it's a girl and just buy a few girly things for her. But, if you are the type to go out and buy all new pink stuff because, "God forbid she wear blue!" then it will certainly put a strain on you. The obvious money savers are homebirth or at least natural birth, breastfeeding, hand-me-downs and thrift/consignment stores, making your own baby foods, etc...
As for trying to have a girl, get the book "The Shettles Method". It's about 80% effective in trying for a girl, 90% in trying for a boy. It's all about charting your cycles and diet and things like that. Also, your husband has a higher chance at his age of having a girl.
Good Luck in your decision:)

Once a child is here, you will manage. If you don't have one and wish you had, you can't go back. Then again, will you be happy if you have another boy?
Personally, I feel bigger families create better kids. A little sacrifice and deprivation is good for kids. After all, no one gets everything they want in life.
I had three, always wanted 5, now wish I had had at least one more.