Have Everything I Always Wanted and Feel Miserable

Hi T.
You are not alone! Even though my home situation is a bit different, in that I am separated, working fulltime and solely caring for and supporting my daughter, I can tell you that I can relate about 110%!
I can barely manage one, so I dont really know how people have two (or more!)
Things are not always what they are cracked up to be. We as women are taught by society from the time we are tiny to feel like motherhood is the be-all and end-all, and so when we realize that oftentimes it is unfulfilling, rote, and boring, we can take that to mean there is something wrong with us. But I can guarantee you that pretty much every woman has felt this way, and if they say they havent, they just might be lying!
My mother always told me to never have kids - she had three and loved us all so much, sacrificed everything for us, and really made us into hardworking, caring, and generous people. She took her role of mother very seriously, but she also wanted my sister and I, especially, to realize our own self-worth as women, not mothers. She always said "When you feel like you have nothing else to do with your life, then you should have a child." SOme people think that sounds harsh, but in reality I think it's true - it illustrates the fact of exactly how draining and encompassing the role of mother really is (when it's done "well" at least).
I always feel like things are too difficult... I find myself often feeling like even the smallest task of putting on my daughter's shoes becomes a major event - putting her hair in a ponytail always has to take place as I crawl around on my knees following her as she is running away from me - of course all this is taking place when I am already 15 minutes late to work.
But at the same time, on another level I am so crazy about her that I find myself running up the stairs to the daycare to pick her up. This is then followed by an evening of battling to have her go to sleep, stay asleep, and maybe, just maybe, I get to watch the hot Italian movie star contestant guy on dancing with the stars as I drink my coffee. This is a goal that is VERY rarely achieved.
I don't know if going back to work is the answer - since personally I feel like I am very conflicted and somewhat guilty that, as a working mom, I dont blissfully enjoy every moment of the time I do have home with her.
I guess my main point is to say that we as women are often too hard on ourselves and feel like we need to be Supermom - but the reality is that we can have the same range of feelings about our kids as we would about anyone we love. And from time to time, as with any relationship, it can become extremely overwhelming, unfulfilling, or boring. I think the key is to vent it when it comes up (feel free to contact me - trust me, I am ALWAYS looking to vent!) and just realize that things are seldom what we dreamed they would be. Real life is always less glamorous and more difficult than we expect.
Take care!
A.

3 moms found this helpful

Dear T.,

I was a stay at home mom for 15 years and I had many days that I felt just like you are right now. I just want to say that in the end it all pays off. My kids are now 24 and 19 and were worth every sacrifice I made for them. Being able to raise your own children is a gift as hard as it can be and sometimes and can feel like a life sentence LOL!!! Being a stay at home mom is the most difficult and yet rewarding job you can do. I would suggest you try to get some activities for yourself. Try joining a gym, maybe a book club, etc. I also craved adult conversation and interaction after being home all day trying to reason with my kids. Is your little boy in preschool? That may help you to meet some moms in the same boat as you. Now that the nice weather is coming try to get out everyday and take the kids to the park. Having the winter blues can be a part of your unhappiness as well. I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone in your thoughts we have all loved our children and felt the same as you. Once my kids were older I went back to school and got my degree. So try to look at this time as temporary and you will get your life back. Just hang in there and don't forget you have needs and it is not selfish to take care of yourself first. A happy mommy makes a happy family. I now own and run a childcare center and there are days when I am consoling moms who have to leave their precious babies because they have to work. I am not trying to diminish your feelings I am simply saying try to look at this as a wonderful advantage that you have to stay home with your kids. You do not have to go out to work to feel complete there are so many other things you are doing to contribute and that are very worth while. Feel better you could be raising our first female president!!!

3 moms found this helpful

hi T.. you should know first of all that you are sooooo not alone, and it does not sound terrible at all, just honest. just last night oprah had a show with all moms being very honest, in a non-judgemental conversation, about their true feelings about motherhood. i was watching it crying because i know how they feel. we have all been there to some degree or another. you should go on her website and look for links from the show yesterday. just know that post partum depression is a very common, very real thing. and there is no time limit on when it can start. if you feel like you dont have a balance between good days and bad, or just good moments and bad, you might need some help, someone to talk to, it can work wonders. you also might not need that. for me, getting out of the house and walking works wonders. the fresh air and exercise for both me and the kids is a huge help all around. the winter can be so hard, very isolating and you tend to marinate in the blah-ness of it. i cant wait to plant some flowers, get my hands in the dirt, come out of hibernation. also, going back to work part time might be great, i feel like that sometimes, like that is just what i need. but i dont know. we are all so hard on ourselves and on each other. working vs stay at home vs part time, they are all hard in different ways, and all have benefits in different ways. the reality is that motherhood is hard. it is wonderful and amazing, i love it like crazy. but i find it very depressing that the bulk of my days are made up not of frolicking in the park with my kids or taking in museums and enhancing their social skills like i envisioned pre-kids, but with the real and necessary and completely unending and unappreciated things like laundry and diapers and dishes. and laundry. and laundry. thats just what it is. its up to you to find your balance, walk away from the chores and leave them and do the things that make you happy and make you a better person and a better mom. and realize that the things that make you a better mom and the things that make you a better person are not necessarily the same thing, but they have the same end result. make room for both. if you have friends who are moms, who are honest, you should be able to find a couple who will talk about this, about how it really is, the good and the bad. you can always email me if you want. support is important. and if you need more help, go get it. best of luck to you, stay in touch.

1 mom found this helpful

I think all moms go through a depression or sadness, when it seems like there is nothing else to do but take care of your children. My only suggestions would be to start slow, and get yourself involved in a class, activity, or hobby once a week, and see how you feel. It's amazing how much even a short break makes. Try enrolling in a class on something you are interested in, join a mothers/play group, take an exercise class. If work is an option, look into some jobs where you could work part time and look into childcare as well. Sometimes just breaking the monotony is enough, but if you find that it isnt, then maybe look into seeing someone who can evaluate you more thoroughly ! Good luck, and know that you are not alone, just make sure you take some time for you!

1 mom found this helpful

Well, I must say a stay at home parent is not easy, I retired for the Military in 2005, thinking that it would be fun once I retired, but then came a stalk and drop of a little angle, who I have been taking care off from day one, My wife is Military, currently Deployed, and boy was I fool and in for a very big surprise about this stay at home, I tell her often I would trade places with her. I also have two other kids 17 and 11, and they don't make it any easy for me, so I see both sides of the river. I 'am like you I am happy, but don't have everything, but I make the best of it because I have to make it for the family , Making them strong will make me stronger and a better parent.

1 mom found this helpful