Dd is 11 generally a neat child, but from april to june hid her clean laundry instead of putting it in drawers or hanging in her closet. apparently hubby yelled at her to clean up her room. Her solution to that was to drag pretty much everything but her bed and dresser out into the hallway and tell me she didn't want any of it any more. It sat there for a week as i was finishing a HUGE work project and did not have time for these games.
Just this week we have been working on it a little bit at a time and apparently she really does not want any of her art supplies. brand new notebooks, brand new markers, oil pastels, does not want any of her loom bands or embroidery floss, She does not want her doll house, the thousands of dollars worth of LEGO friends she wants to throw in the trash. She is willing to keep her 2 American girl dolls but some of the outfits that have been mixed in with the stuff she dragged into the hall way she would rather throw out than walk into her room and put the clothes with the other american girl accessories she has in a bin.
as for clothes she has one skirt, 3 shorts , 2 tshirts and 3 pairs of underwear she wants to keep. she wants to give the rest away. She informed me she no longer will wear dresses to church and does not like socks anymore. and if "I" do the laundry when she tells me to, she'll have plenty of clothes to wear for the summer and I can buy her new stuff in the fall.
i am completely fed up with this child. How ungrateful can you be!
in typing this out, i think the big problem is that her i pad has taken the place of all her other interests. I'll be happy to remove that for her.
how would you handle the rest??, donate everything and just buy it again when she is ready for new clothes or a notebook to write in??. try to negotiate with her some how so that she has at least 7 outfits??? what about the keepsake's her grandmother has brought her from her overseas travel, a framed picture, a little statue, a music box, a coin purse, is that up to her to throw in the trash?
I can't tell if this is a normal age for her to want to completely restart and break from everything babish, or what. This seems really extreme.
I have a lot less patience than you ..
My kid would be hauling that stuff back into room and put away. When they are prepared to pack it up and donate and find way to get it there - I'd consider it. But this sounds like she was having some kind of preteen fit as to being asked to clean her room.
I wouldn't even entertain any of it.
That's just me though ..
Well, first of all, she's old enough to do her own laundry.
I think I would limit the iPad time, and tell her that all her belonging would be in storage for 1 month from today. At the end of 1 month, anything she didn't put back in her room, would be donated, and that you would not be replacing it.
Absolutely do not replace the items that are donated. I would give her chores tied to an allowance, so that if she does want/need more clothes, new art supplies, etc, she has to work to earn the $ to buy them herself. It's time for her to learn what things cost so she really understands that even a plain notebook costs $.
For the stuff that came from overseas travel, I would probably keep it myself.
Is this normal? Yes, she's testing you, and if you give in and either put her stuff away for her or buy her new stuff, you are going to pay for it when she is an even stronger willed teen. Do not let her get away with manipulating you - SHE has to take consequences of her actions NOT you.
your daughter has you hooked. You're playing her game. She KNOWS you'll replace it. Don't. Why are you playing her game? You are the parent.
Sell it. Donate it. Then when she wants something new or back? Take her to a thrift store and purchase it for her. Heck - have her earn her own money to buy it herself.
Take her butt to the laundry room and show her how to operate the washing machine and dryer. My, now 16 year old son, played that trick on me when he was 10. Blaming me for his baseball uniform not being clean. Dude the "M" stands for mommy not maid. Get your behind to the laundry room and do it yourself.
Her keepsakes? put them in a box and put them in the attic or storage room.
She is pushing your buttons and playing games. This is a battle of wits and control. You allow her to tell you what to do? You are no longer the parent. it's YOUR job to teach her and show her how to behave. She says she doesn't want it anymore? Fine. Sell it and/or donate it. DO NOT buy her replacements. If she needs clothes? Thrift stores will do just fine. If she bitches about it? Tell her you aren't going to spend your hard earned money on her so she can have a snit and throw it out. Period. End of story.
BE THE PARENT.
Oh my gosh if I EVER spoke that way to MY mother she would have slapped me across my face.
I'm sorry - but if a child of mine came to me with those ultimatums - I'd be falling over laughing!
Sorry child but you don't dictate to/negotiate with ME about my doing YOUR laundry.
You want clean clothes to wear? - You know where the wash machine is!
Her room would be empty alright - and the iPad would be the first thing to go into lockup.
She doesn't get to throw her things away.
I'd box them up and tuck them into a basement or attic closet.
Her 'new' stuff in the fall can be from consignment stores.
Her attitude needs a lot more gratitude.
Seeing as she feels she has too much, stop getting her stuff - or at least cut it WAY back.
Birthday and Christmas - just a few small gifts.
I don't really care if it's considered normal for her age - I certainly wouldn't be accepting it as 'normal' - and I'd be nipping that in the bud right now.
Once I stopped laughing, I'd do her the favor of taking her seriously.
Explain to her that she is welcome to wash her own clothes, twice a week, on two specific days/times. Let her figure it out. You are done doing her laundry.
Tell her that there will be no more iPad time until she has resolved her own issue with her belongings. Media time is a privilege, not a right. In our house, media time happens when your other obligations are taken care of. Leaving a mess in the hallway is disruptive and she is obligated to clean it up.
Then, let her decide about the items. As others have suggested, let her box them up and choose if she is going to store them nicely for a garage sale, donate them to a shelter/goodwill, or put them out in a Free Box for passersby. I'm sure the neighborhood kids would love some of the items she doesn't want.
Make it clear to her that it's up to her to resolve this and she's earned herself the new responsibility of managing her laundry. As for the clothes, you will have her fold them up and put them away in storage for when she needs them. (I wouldn't press the 'dresses for church' thing... not a hill to die on. ) If she decides to get rid of the clothes,she will have to earn the money to replace them. Let it be on her.
I'm of the opinion that if we don't go too far in trying to solve the problems our kids create for themselves, and let them work it out, that gives them more room to consider their own actions. You also might want to check out Faber and Mazlish's "How to talk so Kids will listen....and how to listen so kids will talk." I use those tools with my son and they help us get past our immediate problem and move toward solutions. A lot of times, he comes up with good solutions on his own.
Your stubborn child had a major temper tantrum in order to "win" the argument. Yes, take away her ipad when she does not do what she is supposed to. If she wants any new clothes or stuff before next year she will have to earn the money herself. She is old enough to do pet sitting, babysitting, and dog walking. I would be tempted to keep some of the clothes and then later let her earn them back (by doing chores around the house). If there is anything you want to keep (dollhouse?) put it in the attic. You can sell the american girl clothes and accessories on ebay.
Your daughter is very upset. I'd tell her giving her things away is not an option. I see this as a test to see if you love her? Children require boundaries. Getting rid of her stuff is getting rid of her.
Sounds like you'd like to get rid of her. She knows you feel that way. Sounds like you're very frustrated, angry, and don't know how to help her. I urge you to get help from a child psychiatrist or psychologist. Her behaviour indicates that there is something much more serious than not wanting to keep her things. I suggest the possibility of an attachment disorder. I've worked with children having serious problems, such as your daughter's. Please get professional help.
In the meantime tell her you love her and her things are staying in her room. I agree that she do her own laundry and have to earn her IPOD back.
I suggest she has a serious psychological condition for which she needs consistent firm rules. Hazel's suggestions might work. If she were my daughter I would want and evaluation before actually getting rid of her things.
I would crack down on some of it, and let other stuff go.
What I'd crack down on is:
1) We don't throw out perfectly good stuff. Nothing goes in the garbage unless it's beyond repair. Things need to be cleaned, sorted, folded, grouped with like objects (all Legos together, all clothes organized and socks matched, doll clothes packed separately) and so on. Take her to the local liquor store where they always have tons of free boxes at the exit - some even have dividers which can be useful in protecting things that shouldn't just be thrown in a heap. SHE can give up screen time to sort and package and label on the outside of the box. You can sit there with a book or a glass of wine to supervise.
2) Let her know that things will not be replaced unless she has outgrown them.
3) Let her know that you are not her slave. It's not up to you to sort or to give up your family values of not tossing things.
4) YOU are not doing her laundry at her direction. In fact, you're not doing ANYTHING "when she tells you to." She's now in charge of it so it's totally within her control. Buy her whatever laundry basket she needs (apparently a tiny one) and put it on the floor of her closet. Her stuff goes in there. Give her one laundry lesson (water level, temp, soap amount, etc.) and post an instruction sheet above the washer. Walk away.
5) You will not listen to any complaining when she doesn't have clean clothes or when her friends criticize her for wearing the same things twice in a week. (Not that they should criticize her, of course - you can suggest that she tell them she's not interested in possessions.)
6) When you locate some worthy organizations for donations, have HER put the boxes in the car and go with you to haul them into the charity's office. I think it's okay to go with her and help her speak to the receptionist or donations coordinator to say these are things she no longer wants and you both just know there are plenty of needy and grateful kids who would love them. For example, I have given to a Latino service agency and a battered women's shelter thrift shop - both service people who have left their homes with nothing but the shirts on their backs. Sobering. And let the agency tell your daughter how appreciative others will be! (You can call ahead to give them a head's up as long as they don't think you're asking them to do your job for you.)
What I'd give up on is:
1) forcing her to wear socks.
2) forcing her to wear a dress to church. Be grateful that she goes. If you're in a church that is strict about that, reassess how important it is.
3) Don't even force her to keep the American Girl dolls. 11 year olds often aren't interested in dolls, and too many young kids get their relatives to spend a fortune on these things more because everyone's talking about it and not because they really enjoy them. I hated dolls as a kid, never owned a Barbie, etc.
What I'd keep are a box of things like Grandma's gift from her travels and anything else that's sentimental. I'm not sure what the statue or music box are, but you'll know whether those are valuable. I'd have her pack it all in a box and label it (family things or sentimental things) and act like it goes to a unique charity, and then just put it in the attic or on your bedroom closet shelf so she doesn't see it and know you kept it. That stuff is not replaceable, and if she does have a bout of regret, at least there's a chance to restore it.
I'd consider putting some things on Craig's List or other site, and taking some things to a children's resale shop. Any money you make can go into a college fund, or perhaps a "Remorse Fund" to buy things at a thrift shop to replace things when she comes to her senses. You can let her spend the money until it runs out. Otherwise she's out of luck. Or, if she wants to hold a big yard sale for HER stuff (and get up at 6 AM and do all the work), she can keep the cash.
And I'd be sure to NOT have nearly as much time for her whims since you now have to sort/donate/drive/list things on line etc. So, gee, you don't have time to take her to the mall or plan a sleepover or buy her favorite snacks. In fact, it wouldn't hurt for you to forget to pay her on-line bill giving her internet access for her iPad. You can also be short of cash to pay her field trip fee or buy her XYZ because you spent it on gas to go collect boxes and drive to charities and donation centers.
At this age, it's really helpful to NOT yell or lecture (no matter how much they deserve it), and just lay out the consequences. Then, anything unpleasant that happens later (no clothes, no toys, no iPad...) is HER choice and HER decision. If she's crying or upset, your answer is a calm, emotionless, "How unfortunate for you. I have plenty of clothes (or clean laundry or books...fill in the blank) because I appreciate and take care of my things."
If she doesn't want to do all the work, then she can put the trash bags back in her room, but they aren't staying in the hall.
The only thing you have to look at is your statement that you are fed up and she is ungrateful. This didn't happen overnight. How did she get this way, and what have you allowed that perhaps contributed to creating this monster? (And I'm not being critical - we ALL do something we shouldn't have, we all allow things we maybe look back and wish we hadn't.) But if you allowed her to gradually get into iPad addiction, accept your role in that and tell her you were too lenient. But you can certainly disable some games if she needs the time to sort/clean/donate or do laundry. As long as it's more work for her to do the throwing out, she'll have to really evaluate her choices.
I suspect she will come around sooner or later and regret her attitude. By all means, make her WORK for the money for new clothes, say "no" to high end brand names, and so on.
And finally, make sure this is not the sign of depression and "I hate everything" that needs intervention. I assume you monitor her iPad usage and she's not on line without your knowledge. I'm not an iPad expert by any means, but I understand there are all kinds of hidden apps that kids learn early on to "hide" behind a simple calculator or other innocuous looking app. If you are close to her friends' parents, you can discreetly inquire about whether they are going through this as well.
Good luck!
Sounds like she is assuming you will replace it all when she needs it again.
I actually think I'd call her bluff, or go along with her choice. I would definitely not sell anything, but I wouldn't put it back in her room or keep it where she can just get to it. I'd put it in a small storage unit or a locked closet or something in your garage with a lock on it.. I would pack the stuff away carefully but not where she can just get access to it.
She's 11. Not 4. At 4 a kid sometimes makes a decision that they're not old enough to understand. Assuming your child is reasonably intelligent, she has made a choice.
And I'd tell her in plain, simple, calm words that she has made a choice to have less clutter, fewer belongings, and that is her right. However, she will not be demanding replacement stuff. And from now on, if she wants clean clothes, she will be doing them. If she ever attempts to order you around like a domestic servant, the consequences will be severe and sudden: she will lose privileges.
And I'd take away that iPad - she's pretty young to have an iPad that's taking over her life. It should have rules and limits. And it does seem to me like she has a lot of "stuff". That much investment in Legos, brand new art supplies, electronics, toys - it's a lot. You might consider allowing her some time on the iPad, with limits. Are there any apps on there that you're not familiar with? Check her data usage. Check her apps. I hope you have the passwords and access to everything, and that she's not on social media sites.
But whatever you do, don't show that you're fed up. Don't call her ungrateful. Stay very calm. Tell her "ok, so you want very few belongings. Got it." Let her refuse the socks. If her church clothing is decent, it's ok (no tank tops or t shirts with objectionable language or short-shorts).
But watch her for any problems - make sure she stays active, involved with friends, happy, eating well, sleeping well. If this is just a desire to have less stuff, that might be ok. If she's shedding everything and everybody in her life, that's not ok.
Well this certainly sounds dramatic to me!
As far as laundry she can do it herself, my kids (yes the boy too) learned how to use the washer/dryer in about 5th grade. I didn't mind doing their laundry as long as it was in the laundry room ready to go but if they wanted to argue/complain about it, well then they were on their own. My oldest and youngest complied, my middle decided to be in charge of her own clothes (fine by me!)
As far as the stuff? I guess I would sit down with her and make sure she understands once it's gone, it's gone. I remember kind of "giving up" toys at this age, so it's not totally uncommon. Ask her what charity she wants to give it to. My daughters were Girl Scouts so they were pretty familiar with local organizations. If she says I don't know or I don't care you can either decide for her or make it into a bigger argument. Personally I would choose the charity myself and be done with it. Hell I might even sell some of it on ebay or have a garage sale. Why not? I assume you paid for all of it anyway.
As far as the keepsakes, I hate to say it but they mean more to you than they do to her. My kids are college/high school age and most of that stuff has been either trashed or donated at this point. The thing is it's just STUFF, and adults are much more sentimental than kids are. Once she has a child of her own she will treasure the photos, the baby booties, the travel knick knacks, but she's not an adult and these are just useless things to her, so hold onto what YOU want and get rid of the rest.
Less really is more, and I think kids get that better than we do.
Not sure how taking away the ipad is going to suddenly make her want her Lego friends and dollies again, but try it if you think it will help. I have a feeling it will just drive a further wedge between you and it sounds like you've already got your hands full at a VERY young age :-(
I would tell her that she will be doing her laundry. Her day is Wednesday. She obviously doesn't have enough clothes to get thru the week... So, she can either keep more or wear dirty clothes.
I decide what furniture goes in your room. Put it all back, but make her clean before it goes back...
Take all the new art supplies and put them in your closet.
Box up the keepsakes for when she is grown up.
Sell the Lego and American Girl stuff.
She will be earning money for school supplies in the fall by working for me this summer -- no camp, no beach, no hanging out. Start her off with washing windows -- no streaks or she will do it again and again. No payment unless the job is done right. There are also chores she will do because she is part of the family -- dishes and trash.
Also, since dad yelled at her, make dad find out what the "real" issue is.
You must be firm.
You must make decisions and stick with them. Do not waffle.
Oh... And no iPad. Any child who disrespects me by being mouthy and rude loses privileges. That's the first thing to go!
I would let her "dispose" of these things if she wishes, but she needs to do it in a responsible manner. She doesn't get to throw it in the trash. She would have to make an effort to sell these things for a reasonable price. That would require sorting items, pricing items and then having a sale. Leftovers from the sale need to also be disposed of properly. Packed up and donated, not thrown in the trash. Of course she should be allowed to keep at least a portion of the money she makes, but a portion should also go to you or go towards her "expenses". If she then decides she would like to replace these things, she can buy them herself.
If she runs out of clean clothes she can learn to hand wash them in the sink and hang dry them over the tub. I would take her stuff and put it in a plastic bin and in the garage or basement. Give her some time to think about it before it gets thrown away.
If she is 'old enough' to decide what to throw out she is old enough to start making her own money to buy what she wants. She could be a mother's helper, cut lawns, or other gardening work. Even if you can afford to replace everything I think you setting a precedent if you pay to replace everything.
Yes, Ipad need to go.
Let her get rid of it and live with the consequences of her choice.
And 11 is plenty old enough to do her own laundry as well.
In December you wrote that she still enjoys her American Girl dolls and needed more storage for their clothes. She was crying then because you told her to clean her room.
Now she is acting out in dramatic fashion because your husband (her father?) yelled at her to clean up her room.
Your concern shouldn't be what to do with her belongings. It's time to ask what's going on inside of her to need to try to get your attention in this way.
If getting rid of her things is really what you are determined to do, sit with her and go through things one by one and decide together. Tell the story of the toy. Decide who it's appropriate for and how you will make that happen (local resale shop? Garage sale?) Art supplies, school supplies, you box up and keep for her. Let her change her mind about what she wants to keep. Help her. Teach her.
Getting yelled at about her belongings has been a theme for too long. This is a time to hear her begging you for love.
One of my daughters recently did something very similar. She is a little younger than yours but wanted to do spring cleaning. She got rid of a ton of stuff. It wasn't an act of rebellion though. So we are selling some things, donating some and if she needs/wants something soon that she just got rid of, she will be paying for it. So no way would I buy your daughter new stuff in the fall unless she would have outgrown the old. But I also tell my daughter it's her room. And some things I take and store myself. One or two things like the sterling silver Tiffany's cup she got as a baby I insist she keeps in her room. It's sad but some of the toys she's just outgrown so I'm not going to insist she clutter her room. I likely would hide some of the notebooks and markers and oil pastels and if she wants them again, make her pay me something for them. And I would make her keep one or two dresses. Tell her there are occasions she will need a dress. Tough luck. Some of this may be defiance and that needs to be handled one way. Some of it may just be wanting to clean up and grow up and that's more her choice. I'd try to tell the difference. And I don't think 11 year olds should have to do their own laundry. If she's being a brat, then yes. And demanding you do laundry so often she can only have 3 outfits is bratty. But in general, no.
she's 11... that's the age they do this type of thing honestly
Box up all the stuff she doesn't want, if she doesn't ask for it in the next year then she has moved on and it's time to sell it.
Both my girls got super streamlined in their stuff around that time, it was nice to finally have clean rooms, lol, but the going through everything was a pain in the butt
I do not like anyone running my washer but me. I begrudgingly let my children start doing their own laundry about age 14.
She sounds spoiled. I would have the sale myself and keep the proceeds because you will be the one replacing things in September...
Keep the stuff and ditch the iPad for a week. I guarantee she'll start fishing through her stuff looking for something to do.
Make her a space outside her room for crafts, arts, etc...put the toys that are for kids in storage. She might still want them someday. My girl randomly pulls out Barbies and plays with them but if I come to her door she tosses them in the closet, embarrassed to be seen playing with them.
I think this is a rite of passage. She's a tween now and will soon be a teen. See about painting her room, making it her room as a teen would have it.
As for the minimal stuff, she's going to need her clothes. She shouldn't get new ones IF IF IF IF her current clothes are age appropriate for a tween/teen.
My girl went through this. She wanted a bunch of stuff then a few months later realized it was all kiddie stuff.
Your girl is the same size, probably, as an adult X-small and small. She's ready to move up to adult stuff. BUT, BUT you have to help her pick appropriate items. Ladies clothes will sometimes have darts. That won't work for a girl with no bust. They sometimes have larger arm holes in sleeveless things. That won't work when a girl bends over and her shirt hangs loose. Stuff shows that should be covered. Thigh high swimsuits...umm, not. Cut to cup the butt cheek shorts, not even, don't want to see that. Jeans will likely be too long. Girls jeans will likely still be the best option for your girl for jeans.
Knit capris, tee shirt tops, sports bras, simple summer dresses that stretch over parts or don't stretch out in that area when things haven't grown yet.
Etc...she's ready to move into young teen lifestyles and you might have her stuck in the older child age group. I truly think that dolls, Legos, and doll clothes need to go but not in the trash. Perhaps a few tubs she can pull out from the bottom of a closet if she feels the need to play with something. Having an austere room isn't a horrible thing. It might make her feel better and have less stress but it's also not completely okay either. She's a young lady and should have things around her that make her feel good.
Let her take the lead in some of this but she needs clothes that fit her age and lifestyle. She needs creative outlets that will help her deal with coping and anger and life. We all need those things.
My kid has never shown much interest in toys clothes or possssions. He routinely asks to clean out his room and donate stuff. Also he hasn't shown much interest in new toys or games and can't be coaxed to open presents.
I don't care for the way in which your daughter did it, but it seems clear that she is little interested in keeping any of it.
Best
F. B.
Sounds like there could be several things going on here: 1) age transition from "child" to preteen" 2) she's done with certain "childish toys" like dollhouse,
Legos 3)only cares about a select few things (Amer Doll & iPad) 4)are you ever overly harsh on her about cleaning her room? 5) Is she an only child & overly doted on? Here's what I would do, explain "we don't just throw things of value out when we're bored & want new things. If we've outgrown things, we go through our items and donate what we are too old for".
Go through pile in hallway, pull out expensive things to hold for awhile then sell later if she truly doesn't ask for/want them after 6 months. Store sentimental items she may want/enjoy looking at when she's older. Donate clothes she has outgrown or that are not age appropriate (too baby-ish). Tell her you're not going to just go out & buy new clothes. You'll buy a few select items she may need that are age-updated & in her "new" size.
If she's spoiled, teach her the value of money & working hard to get those coveted items. Have her earn an allowance for chores at home (some things are not paid chores & are just things expected of all family members living under your roof like clearing dinner table, helping fold laundry, cleaning her bathroom, tidying up her room. Extra money earing chores are vacuuming, deep cleaning tubs/showers, taking the trash out, weeding, sweeping, mopping, dusting, cleaning windows etc.). Then take her to the store or mall and have her try to buy some clothes with $40. She will see how far that goes and to look for sales/bargains.
If she is truly spoiled, start now by not giving her everything she wants/asks for. Teach her the value of a dollar, to work for her money, to look for deals, to earn & wait for things. To save money in the bank (take her to the bank & open a savings account for her. These life skills will help her in the future.
