Has Any Other Man Been like This?

First of all congrats, I am working on #3 myself. I can bet that if I came home from the hospital after giving birth and I was responsible for taking care of the house and the kids right after having a baby I wouldn't still be here. That is a lot of stress on a womans body. I am pretty old fashioned about being a SAHM. I believe it is my job as a stay at home mom to clean the house, take care of the kids, and cook the meals. However, the woman needs a break too. Especially right after having a baby. I bet your husband works 8-12 hours a day and probably gets a day off, when does your day end, where is your day off??? It doesn't!!! But yet he isn't willing to help out sometimes. I am not saying he should be in there scrubbing the floors or changing diapers while you are taking a nap, but leaving all of that up to you is ridiculous and selfish. I am not even saying he should help out everyday. He should at least give you a few hours off a week, if he just watches the kids so you can run to the store without them. I think a good mom takes some time off from time to time so she isn't so stressed out, it helps you be a better mommy. Any man who loves his wife would want to help out to make the load easier for her.

My husband wasn't ready for our second child, but when he found out I was pregnant he stepped up and has been a wonderful father and help to me and my kids. Who said that a fathers job was to work 8 hours and then get to sit around like a lazy selfish pig and do nothing when he gets home. Being a sahm is a privelege, but it is also a lot of hard work. AS for SUZI who commented you earlier, she is crazy. I totally disagree with her. It wasn't enough that she is enabling her husband to be lazy but now she has her mom helping him be lazy too.

I am sorry you are going through this, I hope it gets better. I believe very strongly in the sanctity of marriage, but it takes two to make it work. I hope you can talk with him and that it all works out, but if it doesn't I don't recommend staying in the situation you are in for long. If things don't change soon it is going to affect your children and your marriage even more. As for him kicking his mother out for thinking he should help more should speak mulitiudes to these women on here saying you should help him more. Apparently, he doesn't want anyone pointing out that he is lazy or a jerk, or maybe he is trying to punish you by making you do it alone. That is absurd. You just gave birth to his daughter, you didn't get pregnant on your own, and you are doing it alone. I commend you on that. God Bless!!!

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Congratulations on the newest addition to your family. My husband didn't beleive me at first when I told him I thought I was pregnant with #4....he was pretty down for awhile, but got over it before he was born thankfully. I am sorry he isn't being more supportive. I know men worry more about money usually since they want to provide for their family. I am sure he had this picture in his head of how he wanted to be able to provide for you and the girls and is worried that he won't be able to do that. I wish I had the answer to make everything better, but all I can say is to try to communicate. Sit down and go over a budget. Maybe he thinks the numbers are worse than they really are. Try to get him to express what is really going on...what he wants for the future. There is a plan for your lives and you wouldn't have three children if you weren't meant too. Thoughts and prayers are with you guys. Enjoy your family (and Hopefully he will soon also)! C.

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I think Suzi is dead wrong on this one. If he's never asked (in a civil and adult manner) you to be a working mmom then he has no room to complain about not having material items and if he's locked himself into a consumerist spin cycle where in he compares his value based on the material possessions of others - he's all kinds of messed up. It is right to expect a husband and father to behave like one and not one of the other kids.

My mother was a stay at home while my father worked full time and they looked at it as the traditional good ol' way to raise a family. And I remember my father painting my nails a soft pink color that HE thought was appropriate for a little girl on Easter Sunday while my siblings and mother busied themselves with helping one another. We didn't have all the fancy toys that some of our neighbors had (and we lived in an upscale neighborhood). Dad didn't have man-toys. But he had a wife and children who loved him and who he loved. He was grateful for his job and his ability to feed his family and house them in a safe neighborhood with a good school and clothes that were not fancy but of good quality. We learned to not care if the neighbor kids made fun of us for anything - which most of them did not anyway. I also remember Dad running the vaccuum when my older siblings were at school and he was on vacation.

I was a stay at home Mom for several months and when money started getting too tight (as in how are we going to pay the mortgage this month) then I went back to work. I'm a little unique in that my daughter was 1 when I returned to the home full time and nearly 2 when I went back to work. In the meantime if my husband had acted in such a manner you can bet his Mother would not have been banned from the house (she wouldn't allow it) and she would have paddled him with the old ping-pong paddle she used to use on him when he was a little boy.

The real issue is that you did NOT get pregant all by your lonesome. If you want to look into getting a job when Emily is better and old enough then that is a conversation you two must have in an adult matter.

A divorce is not necessarily in the future for you if he (and you) can discuss matters honestly and civilly. Right now, he is acting like an adolescent avoiding an issue rather than a man and a FATHER and working with and for his family.

Don't enable him. Get your Mama pants on and put your foot down. He cannot ban anyone from the house and his mother ought to revert to turning him over her knee. If he wants to keep playing spoiled little boy then I suggest you get some legal advice for the fact because if you DO decide to leave him he is TOTALLY screwed paying child support - including helping with daycare so that you can play mommy and daddy - a role he has already shoved on you. His behavior has already set him into a position to be disfavored by the court and abondonment would put the nail in his coffin, so to speak

It's so hard to be tough and strong so soon after birth, but you're going to have to. You have the right and you certainly deserve to have your mother and even your mother in law there with you when you confront him - anyone that supports you.

Let me refer back to my Dad for a minute. He is a great man and wonderful father. He is respected for who he is and not what he has. And what he DID is a part of who he is. He weathered tough times and the burden of being the bread winner and he took it all like a man because he stood at an alter and made those vows. (better or worse, richer or poorer...?) He would never have dishonored the memory of his mother by treating her daughter-in-law and grand children in such a shameful manner. And that month when my husband and I didn't know how we were going to pay the mortgage? He GAVE us the money and stood by me with my mother when I was in tears over having to go back to work. These days, it IS tougher to make it on a single income for a family. So you may just have to go back to work. But if you have to go back to work just so he can buy himself some man-toy then don't you dare.

You deserve better and your children deserve better than what he's doing. And you know what? He deserves it too. Because right now, he is SO messing up his karma. And I doubt Jesus is all that happy with him either.

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I'm a little concerned about how old you both are. I am assuming that your husband is the same age and I can imagine that having three children by the age of 23 can be a bit overwhelming for the both of you. I can only imagine how discouraging it is for you to be so excited to have another little baby only to have your mate be ambivalent towards the experience. It must be difficult for you both. I would suggest you try counseling to get to the root of the problem so you both can move forward and work towards having a good relationship. I know that counseling can be expensive but there are some good community resources out there like Sunbeam Family Services that work on a sliding scale. I am a single parent because I feel like I grew in my role as a young parent while my husband stalled out. Seek resolution if you can.

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Your husband sounds like a classic passive/aggressive. He's punishing you for having a third baby and pouting like a child. It's ridiculous. If he is also in his early 20's - he may not be mature enough to father 3 kids right now. However, he needs to suck it up. The kids are there so it's time to deal with it. I would move in with my mother or MIL for a while and see what he does. If he's just looking to get out of this family -- that is terrible but it's better you learn his true intentions now rather than suffer with his selfish behavior for years on end. Good luck to you...and be especially careful with the birth control!

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First, congradulations on the new baby.
I only have one child that we planned, but I my best friend was in your situation. She had two, and was on birth control because they could not afford any more kids. Well her second was three months old and she found out she was pregnant. Her husband was very concerned about money (which they are still struggling with two years later) and had a hard time getting over that. One day, she sat him down and just told him that she knew the third one was not expected, but he came. Your third child is a blessing, there is a reason you had her though you may not know it yet. I think that financial situations are difficult for husbands to handle when it is out of their control. I would sit down with him and let him know how you feel. It isn't fair for you to be doing all the work. He helped make her. I hope this is helpful and doesn't seem judgy.

Also, Suzi, I am sorry that you are in that situation. I was a stay at home mom for two years and my husband would stil help with household chores and with our daughter. Just because I stayed at home did not mean that I was a maid. I worked with our daughter and spent a lot of time doing things with her. Having a good relationship with her is more important to us than having a clean house. I think that she is better for that. Her teachers all say that she is emotionally and socially confident and at a level much older than she really is. I do have to credit her preschool for that as well. They have been wonderful with her since I started back to school.

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Wow C., your husband sounds angry and resentful. Suzi, I really couldn't disagree with you more. I do believe men need some down-time from work, but women need down-time from kids too. Being a full-time Mom is more demanding then a 9-5 job. Many men find this out when they are home alone with their child (or children) for the better part of a day. Nine times out of 10 men will admit that it's easier to be at work. No one is saying that the men in our lives need to be "work horses" and get no rest whatsoever, but they do need to to help out where needed. That could be cleaning up after themselves, doing their own laundry, helping with the laundry since they're doing laundry anyway, cooking dinner or cleaning up the mess from dinner, putting the kids to bed, etc...

C., I hope you find a way to get to the bottom of this problem and figure out why your husband is being so lousy. Possibly you can have your husband's parents (including your father-in-law if you have one) speak to your husband in private (while you're not around).

Good luck to you and please give us an update later on.

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My husband can get into 'moods' like that. He's always looking at the big picture of a lot of "technical" things, and was never taught to enjoy the simple things in life. A sweet squeeze from a loved one, a small love note to let them know they are being thought of. Our 3rd child came a about 6 months earlier thatn we expected, I got pregnant on vacation (forgot to take the pill since we were always on the go). My husband was not quite ready for #3 yet, he was still getting used to #2, I have a daughter from a previous marriage, so I was always in "mommy mode" where the full "daddy mode" hadn't quite kicked in yet for him. I explained (or yelled, but whose keeping score) that there are thousands of people out there who would love to be able to create an "oops" baby, but cannot, and he better realize how lucky he is to be able to have a family and for some reason that God thinks he's worthy of having another child because at that moment the way he was acting, he didn't deserve to be "daddy".....he deserved a good kick in the A**. He lightened up a bit after that. Now that #3 is almost 3 years old.......he can't imagine our life without him. Hopefully your husband will come around. If not, try to show him the big picture of a lot of really great simple things. Like, how would his life be if he didn't have that family to love, and kids to look up to him and such.

By the way, when you see that little one you will be so grateful she's here. And hopefully your husband will realise how lucky he is too!

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I'm really sorry that you're going through this right now. I'm sure it's the LAST thing you have energy for after birthing a third child. I'm not really sure what to say to you except that I'll be thinking about you.

And Suzi, what a shame that your children won't ever have a close relationship with their dad because you're enabling him to be a lazy and uncaring man.

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Hi, C.
My husband did the dame thing to me. I was never supposed to have children, and when I got pregnant with my twins, the first thing he told me was to have an abortion. Once they were born, he wouldn't visit them in the hospital (they had to stay there for a while-they were preemie), when they came home he wouldn't help out at all. My twins are almost 4 now and he has just started helping out with them. For almost 4 years he never gave a bath, never fed them a meal, never watched them so I could get things done or just have a break---nothing. He was no help at all up until the last few months. He still won't feed or bathe them, basically he just plays with them. I realized from the get-go that these were MY children and I was responsible for their entire care. He still has never been around when they are sick, doesn't know where they go to pre-school, has no idea what they weigh, what meds they take or anything else except how they like to play. Hopefully, your husband will come around sooner or later, but don't count on it. I will tell you not to knock yourself out taking care of him. If he thinks your job is the kids, then make it your job. Stop tending to his needs like cooking dinner and making sure his laundry gets done first. When you are no longer playing maid to him, he may come around and help out a little. That baby and the other kids come first, and if he is any kind of man at all, he will realize this.

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You are in a very tough situation and you need outside help. Do you have family or church you can reach out to?

Your husband might come around after a while, but you need to have a plan if he doesn't. Have you told him you feel like he has pulled away from the family?

Anyway, you can not let your daughters grow up in a house with a man that treats you and them like your husband is treating you. I don't think you need to go marching out the door yet, but if things don't change it is something to think about.

Again, this is all too much for you to deal with on your own. Apparently, your husband has already had too much. You must get outside help, more than any of us can give you. Good luck.

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If your husband is under 30 years of age he is probably looking at all his unmarried, child-free friends living it up and having "fun" and resents his life. I was in your same situation a few years ago. My advice to you is to sit him down and seriously ask if he wants this family lifestyle. If he says no then you have to be prepared to make some very hard decisions. Single motherhood is very hard without support make sure IF you decide to leave that you will have a support system in place to help you. (i.e. your family, his family, friends) People who can watch the kids if you go back to school or work. I don't know about here but in Louisiana there is a program that will pay for daycare if you work or are in school fulltime, maybe you should check with local agencies to see if they offer something like that to help you and your husband. Not to mention depending on his income you all may qualify for food stamps or the WIC programs that help pay for food. DON'T be afraid to ask for and receive help. That is the reasons the programs are in place, to help those who need it. I hope that helps. Also I COMPLETELY AGREE with everything Jeanette W posted be sure to read that one!!!!

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LOl.... some of these people crack me up. You should be helping him more??? NO, that was back in the 50s and 60s. Back when women just plain and simple didn't work. It's a new world and he needs to be a man and step up. My husband acts the same way sometimes. He works 2 jobs and I do everything else, on top of a part time job. I don't ask him to help with the house, but he does need to be bigger part of our child's life. Express your issues, go to counseling, if he won't change then leave. You don't need to spend the rest of your life with a selfish man. You'll regret the years you lost because of it.
And PRAY PRAY PRAY!!! I suggest the serenity prayer.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Good luck.

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I also think your DH is being immature and acting like a jerk. He needs to be a man and take responsibility for his family. Life throws you curves, and he needs to help you and make the best of the situation for his family, even if life is not turning out how he imagined it. If I were you, I would try to talk to him and be completely honest with how you feel. If he dosen't change or understand your point of view and that you need help with 3 children, go and stay with family for a while. Maybe that will help him re-prioritize. Good luck and congrats on your new addition. I am sorry you are going through this.

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Your husband sounds like a very typical man that is stressed out about trying to raise 3 kids without any financial help from his wife. He looks around at other men he knows and sees that they have discretionary income and can afford to by toys (motorcycles, atvs, boats etc) because their wives work outside of the home. If he is going to be broke and he can't afford to go out and say golf or bowl because of it, he wants to be pampered and taken care of when he is home, but you are busy asking him to help you and pampering the kids instead of him. It sounds like he has not accepted the role as primary breadwinner and that he isn't getting out of this marriage what he feels he is putting into it. A man should not be forced into that role if he does not want to. He may also feel as if you messed up birth control on purpose or just stopped taking it all together so that there would be no way you could ever afford daycare. He likely thought the oldest child was going to be going to school one of these days and he wouldn't be stuck trying to support everyone on his own.

You have the makings of a divorce coming up and it will be very hard learning how to take care of 3 children on your own no matter what kind of child support he pays. So if you want to avoid that scenario I suggest you stop asking anything from him at all. Assure him that you did not get pregnant on purpose and that you will do what you can to give more to him in this marriage. Start doing daycare in order to bring in some income for the family. You don't have a lot of other choices for bringing in money right now. At your age and since you have been at home you probably can't get any job that would pay for daycare for 3 children.

If you are home with those kids and he supports you, then just what in the heck do you need from this man? The only thing my husband has ever done around the house has been his choice. My husband will sometimes play with the kids or walk them to the park. He doesn't do anything else. He has cleaned out the garage a few times but complained all the way through it. So now I pay someone else to do that sort of thing. I don't ask for anything from him but the random thing that only a man can do like hanging light fixtures. Ok...I know some woman could but I can't.

I work 7 days per week, 24 hours per day and have 5 kids in the house days, nights and weekends and I STILL do all the cleaning and shopping and have forever. I finally started getting some help when my mother moved in. But I was by myself for the first 15 years and I survived. I deal with the families, paperwork, family business like licensing cars, getting cars fixed, hiring contractors for the house, filing our taxes and the list goes on and on.

If anything, my husband now gets the best of all worlds. My mother is very good at doing little extra things for my husband. So he doesn't have to support the family on his own AND he gets loved and pampered when he's home.

I don't mean to be harsh. But you need to hear the truth. In the days when woman did stay home and most men supported them, woman knew how to treat their husbands so that they felt proud to have their very capable and loving wives at home. But today woman think their husband should support them and help around the house and be wonderfully involved dads. They aren't work horses! They are men and they need to be loved and treated like they are special for supporting you. Staying home is a huge privilege, not a right.

Just try to think about it all from his perspective and think back to all the things he has said to you. He may not have all the issues I've raised. But there are resentments building on both sides and you need to get to the bottom of them.

S.

It sounds to me like you husband is overly stressed from the financial strain of a new child. He feels somewhat overwhelmed that it is totally up to him to keep a roof over everyone's head. You have to understand the pressure he is feeling with this.

However, this does not excuse him from the way he is acting, and not wanting to particpate with the kids or helping out around the house.

I think you should try talking to him. Just ask him in a nice calm fashion that you want to listen and understand his concerns. He probably felt you guys were already financially strained before the baby, and now that the baby is here it is only adding to his anxiety of being able to provide.

One thing I will ask you is, is there a way for you two to compromise where after your maternity leave you could seek a part time job, or take classes to finish your degree if you have not already done so to take some of the pressure off of him. In return he could agree to help out more around the house, or watch the kids if you got a weekend job ect. If you guys cannot reach an agreement you may want to seek counseling so that resentment does not continue to build up.

In todays society it is rare for a family of 3 or 4 to be able to make it on one income unless that one person is making almost 6 figures. Think of what you want for the future of yourself and your kids. Right now you are relying soley on your husband to provide that, and if you both want more you may have to pool your resources. There is nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, but just understand that your husband may resent that if you guys are not financially where you want to be.

Wish I had a straight answer for you but as much as they're all the same, they're all very different too. One thing I do know is that "bread winning" is very important for a mans ego. They believe it is their job and that if they're not doing a tip-top job, they're failures. The ego is the most fragile part of any man. Whenever my dad had his second hip replacement and was no longer able to work he spiraled into what I now understand to be depression and became addicted to gambling. He had some fantasy of winning big and "making everything ok again". Unfortunately it happened just the opposite but thats another story. Anyway, good luck and stick in there for your girls! God Bless you and your family.

If money is his concern, maybe you should ask him if you can get a part time job? Try this website: http://mymomthehero.com/

It's obvious you have a computer with internet access. Is there anyway that you could maybe do a business online? It might cost some investment fees but tax season is coming up and you could put some of that money towards the cost of the business.

Sometimes you can get jobs that let you do office-type work at home. I'd do some research and if I were you see if you could do that. If you can accomplish any of these things, (and I know that you can), maybe you can put some of YOUR money towards a part-time maid service to help you out like "Merry Maids" in addition to helping out with the other bills?

As for him not helping around the house, tell him how you feel about that. If he's unresponsive, try some sort of counseling. Many times, insurance will pay for counseling sessions. If his doesn't cover that, Call a hospital and see if they can direct you to counseling services that are free or on a sliding scale fee. If they can't help you, start going to a church if you don't already go. Sometimes your clergy can provide marriage counseling. If that doens't help, do you have any friends or family that could intervene? Maybe you could ask a neighbor or friend to help you come and clean the house when he's at work. Sometimes, it pays to be a little sneaky.

Something that seems to help for my husband and I, he askes me if I need him to do anything. I will generally give him a list of all the things that I need to get done before we go to bed that night and ask him, "Do you want to take out the trash, or get the laundry?" and he gets to pick what he wants to do, and I get to handle the other thing. I continue this way until all tasks are done.

Maybe he would like it if he "Always" does certain things like taking out the trash, raking the yard, or picking up the living room. It can help when he knows what is expected of him everyday. And even getting him to do one or two things is helpful most of the time. It's better than absolutely nothing.

Good luck honey!