11 answers

Hard to Talk to Husband

I tend not to get into any deep, meaningful discussions with my husband unfortunately, because I have come to the decision that whatever he thinks is the way it is going to be so why should I bother to give my 2 cents? I sent him an email about a problem we're facing with our daughter today and this evening I thought we could talk about it. He said something like then tell me what you think. Well I already received a rebuttal to my opinion that I sent in the email (easier for me to express myself that way), so I can tell whatever I say isn't going to be accepted. So I said, "It's hard for me to talk about how I feel because you're always right." He jumped up and yelled, "Forget it, then. Just forget it!" (And if I tried to say anything he said, "I don't want to hear it! "I'm sick and tired of always being the bad guy.") (Don't know where the "bad guy" comment came from.) I'd forgetten that my problem with speaking up is not only do I think my opinion is pointless but I also fear that he'll get angry at me. Anyone relate and/or know how I can get passed my fear and reluctancy to talk about things that matter?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Hey D.
I have been going througth the same thing. we don't have any real concversations at all. all he talks about is the bussiness and don't get me worng i pay attention to all that he says i listen to him. But when it comes to talking to him about like for example something that one of the boys has done, he doesn't do much about it i sometimes feel like a singel mom. Any ways if i want to share something with him he will listen for a minute or so and then he changes to subject back to what he was talking about before. Like last time before bed time i told him that i wanted to give him something nice well you know. And he acted like it was nothign to get excited about. And did really even acknoledge (sorry can't spell) me. I try and tell him about something that intrestes me cause i want to share it with him and what does he do not lsiten to me at all. He had done this so much that I know talk to other men cause at least they listen. One is a really close friend of mine. I had told my husband to at least pretend that he was paying attention to lie to me i don't care i just want his attention and affection which he is not giving me at all. It has been like this for some time now. And well because of all this i cheated on him. Yeah i know not the smartes thing to do but well i wanted attention and well i got it.

I want to work things out with my husband but he would not even go to councelign with me. By the way we have two kids 6 and 3 i am 26 and he is 44.

been together for 6 going on to 7 years and got married last year.
there has to be a way to fix this with him or else i don't know what i am going to do.

More Answers

Your husband is being defensive about the way that he acts, because he is aware of it and you called him out. It is hard to have a talk with someone once you have put him on the defense. try waiting awhile and let him cool down, and then bring the subject up naunchalantly as if you have forgotten about the words that you had earlier on the subject, but this time try sticking to your thoughts on the matter. If you have always given in to his way of thinking, you will have to stand really strong and not budge on your beliefs. At first this will really take him back, because he is not used to you being firm and standing your ground, but you must start doing this if you want things to change! Know when to stand up and know when to back down! when you first start standing up for yourself it can feel so good after holding back for so long, that you may go overboard, then you will eventually find the happy medium...give and take! I went through this many years ago! I used to let others opinions make decisions for me! when I first started to stand up for myself, I went too headstrong... saying no felt good! then it leveled out. best of luck, and remember no matter how the first few tries meets with strong resistance from your husband in the long run he will respect you for standing up and not rolling over everytime.

1 mom found this helpful

I would lay money on the fact that your husband doesn't feel you respect him. I don't know why, it may be true, or it is probably just his insecurities. But, either way, he feels you don't trust him or respect him. I've had the same issues with my husband and have seen it in other marriages as well. If he is assured that you respect him, then he will be much more willing to hear you out, especially when he knows you are on his side no matter what he decides. He probably feels you are nagging him or trying to change him or undermine him. (whether you have or not - doesn't change his perception.) This has probably gone on for a long time and won't change over night. But, if these issues can be postponed or ignored for a long while, then I would try working on how I talk to him in general, and pay special attention to when you mention his decision making ability. That is a very manly thing and if he even feels that you don't respect him in that way then it will always be a very sensitive subject. I would choose my battles wisely and work on making him feel secure in your respect for him (not love for him - most men don't feel insecure about that). And by the way, my mom would always leave notes too. Some people just prefer to say it in writing. That's ok. Just be careful HOW you say things.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, D.! I can't even begin to describe to you how much I thought I could have posted this same thing!

My husband is also impossible to talk to. Some recent examples: I want to send our daughter to school. He wants to send her to a private school we can't afford. Since I handle the finances, I had to break the news to him that we can't afford it. He exploded. Went on and on about how he had a bad experience in public school, the teachers don't care about the kids, he makes so much money why can't we afford it... blah blah blah. He tried to walk away at one point, and I stopped him and told him we HAVE to talk about this until it's resolved. No quitting when we're not at a resolution.

My background is that I HATE HATE HATE confrontation. I hate fighting. And I'll do anything to avoid it. My husband is defensive, so whenever I DO bring something up, he explodes because he thinks I'm attacking his character or belittling him (neither of which is true).

How much I think my husband needs counseling for his insecurities!!! That's a battle for another day for me, though, and if you have the courage I'd tell you to bring up counseling to your husband. If nothing else, it's a third party without a vested interest in either of you who can tell him when he's overreacting.

Another suggestion is to train yourself to keep it about you. I've been working on this, and when I can suck up my fear of confrontation, it's been helping. I keep it on me. For example, you said that you feel like you can't talk to him because he's always right. Instead, try saying "I feel like I can't talk about things with you because I feel like I'm not being heard, and my opinions aren't valued." Basically the same thing, but you're pretty much leaving him out of it and talking about you.

I wish you luck, and I'll keep working on it, too!

1 mom found this helpful

To me I cared about everything to a point I ddin't want to make no one unhappy including my husbnand. But I couldn't communicate with him. He was impossilbe and the more I pointed it out the worse the person I was. I was always losing the arguement or not an arguement but the point that I had opinions and feelings too. So after 2 yrs, I learned to not care and do what I wanted first. No he is coming around. The moment it was not about how he felt about it is when he started coming around and paying attention. I am not saying this works all the time but it is starting to work for me. And now I even feel better about myself too. I am not worring about what everyone thinks. Good luck girl.

I'm in the exact same boat. I've started just sending emails too, its easier and I can say how I feel and he can like it or not. When I try to talk about my feelings he just gets angry and defensive and tells me why I'm wrong to feel the way I do. The other night he yelled at me for asking for some affection telling me how he always gives me affection and I just don't notice it blah blah blah... defensive. I've gotten so i absolutely HATE having to discuss anything of consequence with him unless I know from the beginning that I share his opinion because he always has to be right.

I have nothing to offer you solution wise as I still haven't figured it out myself, only an understanding ear.

I would highly recommend counseling for the two of you. My husband and I see a counselor twice a month and our marriage has improved so much. The counselor really has a great way of helping me to understand my husband's feelings without making me feel defensive and vice versa for my husband. It has really opened the lines of communication for us. We are learning how to communicate with each other to resolve situations without a huge fight. If your husband refuses to go, then go to a counselor by yourself, and you can learn effectives ways of communicating with your husband. GOOD LUCK

Hey D.
I have been going througth the same thing. we don't have any real concversations at all. all he talks about is the bussiness and don't get me worng i pay attention to all that he says i listen to him. But when it comes to talking to him about like for example something that one of the boys has done, he doesn't do much about it i sometimes feel like a singel mom. Any ways if i want to share something with him he will listen for a minute or so and then he changes to subject back to what he was talking about before. Like last time before bed time i told him that i wanted to give him something nice well you know. And he acted like it was nothign to get excited about. And did really even acknoledge (sorry can't spell) me. I try and tell him about something that intrestes me cause i want to share it with him and what does he do not lsiten to me at all. He had done this so much that I know talk to other men cause at least they listen. One is a really close friend of mine. I had told my husband to at least pretend that he was paying attention to lie to me i don't care i just want his attention and affection which he is not giving me at all. It has been like this for some time now. And well because of all this i cheated on him. Yeah i know not the smartes thing to do but well i wanted attention and well i got it.

I want to work things out with my husband but he would not even go to councelign with me. By the way we have two kids 6 and 3 i am 26 and he is 44.

been together for 6 going on to 7 years and got married last year.
there has to be a way to fix this with him or else i don't know what i am going to do.

i can relate to everyone.why are husbands so difficult and why do they always have to get the last word!!my husband is the same i try to talk to him about something and sometimes its like he doesnt even pay attention or he only hears what he wants to hear.we have been married for almost 5 yrs,and just in the past 2 years i speak up to him now.he tells me something i tell him something right back.before i use to keep quiet about everything,but you get sick of it after awhile.i got tired of the crying and keeping to myself.trust me speaking up makes you feel alot better.they think just bc they are men they are always right...hell no!!sorry i kind of vented a little also.i feels good also to have the "i dont care attitude" also.goodluck and dont be afraid!

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