Hard Decision...

Hi J. :),

I am 29 years old I have two daughters Juliette is 9 years and cailey is 5 years ..But I also had a daughter at 16 whom I gave up for a open adoption ...
First off you need to be a STRONG woman and in the regard I mean ..This is a baby whom you and your boyfriend gave life too... Do u believe in GOD ? I do ...And I know That is a horriable mistake to consider because Of money to end a childs life !! And yes, I made that mistake because I was being told my my husband that we couldnt do it ..yelling at me and angry ..we had just had our first daughter ..I WILL NEVER REGRET ANYTHING MORE !! I also woke up to firemen around me and the doctors /emt's rushing me out of the abortion clinic too the hospital because the doctor said he though he poked a hole in my uterus !!! I think about the fact that I killed my baby all the time ..(it haunts me ) ...At that time I wasn't involved in church ...Now we are and eventhough GOD has forgiven me I cannot forgive myself ..
Anyhow My husband didnt have the best job when we were 18 and he was so scared ..he FREAKED !! Now that he is grown he will tell you himself ..He LOVES his girls more than anything ..Once you see your baby born it changes everything ..It is a truely Miracle like feeling:) And so on a money issue ..I didnt have a job or anything ..WE SURVIVED FINE ! I got mostly what I needed from a babyshower ..You can find things also on FREE CYCLE .com and anyhow It is not as bad as you think ..Breast feeding for one willsave you tons of money ..I did that for nine months !! My Girls are my best buddies ..They cheer me when I am sad and they love you unconditionally ..we now have a nice house ..they do very well in school ,we are just fine :) and HAPPY :) You MUST stay strong this is YOUR child too ..a part of you !! Also , On open adoption ..I did NOT want to do that ..I did not have parent support though when I had my daughter at 16 .. I knew a lady who was very well off and had two daughters and whom I was VERY VERY close too and I asked her ..and we did a open adoption ..I get pics and see her once a year ..She is VERY interested in me and her half sisters ..I <3 her so much and she is so BEAUTIFUL AND GIFTED !! I thank God everyday I didnt make two BAD mistakes and abort her ..I was told to do the abortion with her by EVERYONE including family..I had knowone in agreement with me ..I stood strong and had her and its one of the BEST feelings in my life now to see how smart and awesome she is and to know I gave her a BEAUTIFUL LIFE instead of killing her ..Okay well I am gonna stop writing here now but Just don't worry and if you needed any type of help ..Please contact me and I will do whatever I can to help ..:) Keep your head up and congratulations :)

2 moms found this helpful

Hi J.,

Congratulations on the new life growing inside of you. I agree with the other posters. This is a decision you must make for yourself & for the best interests of your child. Parenting is the most demanding, but most rewarding job in the world. It sounds like you have a support system in place, but you need to be prepared for the 24-7 of being a single parent if the dad does not step up to the plate. Also, bear in mind that given dad's medical history, your child may also have some special needs.

You need to start looking now to know the resources available to you. I highly recommend making an appointment with a crisis pregnancy center-you don't say where you live, but there's a good one in Bel Air called Birth Right. They will let you know about adoption if you wish to consider that as well as help you with your material needs if you keep the baby. WIC provides vouchers for nutritious food for mom's & children. I have never been on it, but it may even apply when you are pregnant, so check it out. Do make sure to get prenatal care as well, since it is so important for keeping you & the baby healthy.

Best of luck to you with whatever you decide. A baby is surely a blessing, whether it be to your family or to an adoptive family.

1 mom found this helpful

J.:

Hello. I'm on a teeter-totter here - congratulations on your baby but I'm sorry as well. I am probably going to get blasted for my response but this is NOT a sugar-coat situation.

You didn't say how old you are - have you finished school?
What are YOUR expectations for YOU and YOUR life?
Are you going to use welfare and your parents money to survive? Is that fair to him? You? The baby?
Do you think this baby will give you unconditional love?
Do you think this baby will give you something you are missing in your life?
Are you looking forward to the midnight, 2am and 4am feedings? Do you expect other people to do it for you?
Are you ready for the nights of screaming?
Are you ready for the sleepless nights?

Having a baby is a WONDERFUL, JOYOUS experience, but it has its serious downslope as well - that young people don't think of.

I am sure you realize that it costs money to raise a baby? Do you know how much it costs? Have you researched the cost of diapers, wipes, clothes, bottles, furniture? I can tell you that I started buying diapers after my 3rd month and spent about $1,000 on diapers - yes, I went overboard, but this is a reality. I bought all different sizes when they were on sale AND with coupons, our furniture (with mattress and crib set) was $1,500 (and that was cheap!)!!

Having a baby WILL force you to grow up and since you didn't say how old you are - you may end up resenting the baby because you will see your friends doing things you won't be able to do - because YOU have a responsibility to this little life - unless of course you are assuming that your parents will care for the baby so you can live your life.

A baby, no matter how concieved, is a miracle. You cannot force another, especially the father, to want the baby or a lifestyle that he wasn't expecting this early in his life.

You cannot expect others to support you - you made an adult decision to have unprotected sex and this is one of the consequences of that act. You say you want to grow up and this will force you to grow up. Do you realize that if you are still in high school - you might miss your senior prom? I know, I know, it's petty - but it's a right of passage.

I know there are people out there who are LONGING for a baby and who are financially as well as mentally prepared for this part of life.

Write a list of your dreams you have for your life - without the baby. Then write a list of the things YOU EXPECT to happen with the baby and without. Talk with other girls who have had babies out of wedlock and young like you. This will give you a better idea of what to expect so you aren't going into this with rose-colored glasses on.

If you chose to give your baby up for adoption - you will be giving a most wonderful gift to a couple who are ready for this. However, if you keep this baby - you will also be given a wonderful gift that will require 100% of your attention, life and your dreams and expectations will be set aside for this child.

I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you realize the enormity of your decision and how this will have a ripple affect on not only you but other people in your life.

Best regards,

C.

J.: I needed followup with you and let you why to let you know why I said what I did - I had a child at the age of 20. I THOUGHT I was ready for it. I had almost finished college. I THOUGHT I could afford it-afterall, I was almost a college graduate. I married the father (the marriage lasted 9 years) and it didn't change him and he didn't have the mental issues your boyfriend does.

We wouldn't have been able to do it on our own-child care costs took all of my salary (I quit college). My husband went into the Air Force. I didn't realize all I was giving up for this child growing inside of me. Yes, that was a selfish thought-but really, truly, honestly, once you have this baby-that child will be your #1 priority-your wants, needs, desires WILL take second place, if not 3rd or 4th.

I LOVE my daughter (who is now 23) with all of my heart and I'm VERY proud of her!! Because of the tough times we went through (even with the support of both of our families) she doesn't even think of having kids. She is determined to finish school (she's working on her Masters for childhood education) BEFORE she has unprotected sex.

For her, everything was second hand except for diapers (obviously), if not 3rd or 4th. I need you to understand this decision. Did I love my daughter with all of my heart? Yes. Yes I did. But I also wondered "what if???". You cannot expect to live with your family until she's 18. If you don't have your high school diploma - you will be hardpressed to find a job. Welfare is a TEMPORARY measure (or at least it should be). Talk to other girls who have had babies at your age. HEAR their stories. SEE their lives. Don't get disillusioned that YOUR life will be different or better. The stress of raising a child when you yourself are still one is hard. Seriously. I am ONLY trying to tell you WHY I told you what I did and what I went through. PLEASE THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT THIS! Seriously write the pros and cons out. Research day care prices, research diapers, wipes, clothing, furniture, rent, all of it - at one point YOU WILL have to stand on your own.

1 mom found this helpful

You can't. That is the blunt answer to your question. You can and need to make your decision independently of his. No matter what he is telling you his preferences are now, he is still responsible to pay child support. Get a consultation with a lawyer, because you will need those legal proceedings soon. (If he has good medical insurance, your prenatal care may be covered.) Even if he changes his mind and things become amicable, you need documentation and a reasonable amount set. He made a decision however many weeks ago to "roll the dice" and now the only question he has to answer for himself is if he wants to keep his relationship with you and/or be a real father to his kid. He may be going through some shame and larger issues about his diagnosis. If he is bipolar, he should be seeing a counselor in addition to his medication. Have him speak to his counselor on the subject. They will be able to help him process this monumental change far better than you. (I'm sorry, but it's true.) You, however, may need to armor up and become a Warrior Mother real soon. Best of luck to you.

1 mom found this helpful

16 years ago my daughter made the courageous decision to give her baby for adoption. She was 20 and didn't have near the issues you and your boyfriend have, but still she knew they were not stable enough to give a child what a child needs and deserves. So, instead they sacrificed their needs, wants, desires and gave their precious baby for adoption. My daughter is my hero for making this decision. She is now happily married to a wonderful man and the baby boy she gave birth to is a happy, normal, well adjusted, much loved young man. Be courageous, look at reality for the long haul and find your child a loving two parent home. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, your boyfriend, your family, his family, the parents waiting and capable of raising a child, and mostly for your baby.

1 mom found this helpful

J. - Raising a child is hard work and will NOT make your relationship with your boyfriend any easier. Do have have a baby to force you into responsiblity. The responsiblity will never go away if you raise your child. You have to be mentally ready, willing and able to raise this child for the next 18 years. Please look beyond today and think about the life you want for your child. Can you provide a stable household? Will you as mom be content being a stay at home mom or do you want to work? Becoming a parent is a HUGE life decision and not something to take lightly!

I know, I am 36 and we adopted a baby girl 2 years ago. And I can say this, I am soooo happy that we waited to have kids. I am much more mature to handle the daily up and downs that come with raising a child. We love being parents, but we also loved our life before children too.

There are SOOOO many families out there that want to adopt a child because they can't have children. Please talk to an adoption agency near you. They can give you ALL of the facts and counsiling needed to make this kind of decision.

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

honey, first off my late husband was bi polar with depression and from the way things sound, your boyfriend is having serious second thoughts about having a baby, if he has already worked out an open adoption in his head for this baby,then he is not going to change his mind about it,no ands, ifs, buts or maybes.. do you really think you can take care of a bi polar adult with add and depression and a baby who may or may not have the same problem ?? bi polars with depression can become violent or suicidal with no warning at all,especially under extreme stress. do your baby a kindness, give the child up for adoption either to your parents or who ever you want, dont go back to living with this guy, make certain that he gets treatment and
get on with your life
K. h.
and dont let some narrow minded half wit tell you that you brought this on yourself because you got pregnant when you werent married , i dont see them blaming the father, do you ?? somehow, i cant see them offering to help take care of the baby, can you ??if these women really wanted to help you, they wouldnt be so busy judging you first.

1 mom found this helpful

When you have a child, you have to put the child before your own needs. A helpless infant will only have you to look out for it. If you can't make that commitment, then do yourself and your child a favor and make sure he/she goes to someone who can make that commitment. The father has problems of his own and most likely will not be much (if any) help with raising a child. Your boyfriend is hoping someone else will raise his child through the infant years and then he can magically show up and say "Ok! Hand my child back to me!" By this time the child will be bonded with his/her caregivers and will feel they are being wrenched away from their parent figures. It sounds like a fairly cruel idea to me. He is bi-polar and you are never going to be sure what is going through his mind from one day to the next. So now you need to do some growing up of your own, and sometimes that means making sacrifices. Either you will be your childs parent and do your best with them, or if you still want your partying lifestyle, will decide your child would be better off with someone more responsible. If you don't have a job or an education, you need to get some so you can support your family and not rely on your parents as a safety net forever. How would you like it if your child in 16 or 18 years hands you grandchildren to raise? I have a cousin who was a grandmother at the age of 32. She and her daughter were pregnant at the same time and her grandchild and the grandchild s aunt are only a few weeks difference in age. It's not an easy life. Think hard about it.

1 mom found this helpful

I just wanted to say good luck and God bless in this decision you have to make. He may not be able to man up in the way you want him to due to all of the issues he has. Most likely your child will end up with his problems to. It is highly likely, so be prepared to deal with a child that has emotional developmental delays/issues. It isn't an easy thing to deal with. If you feel this baby is going to cause you to grow up, that, in my opinion, is not a good way to see things. It could cause you to resent the child, especially if there are problems with the baby, like I said, relating to your boyfiends mental problems.
Know what you are getting into, you may want to stay young, and you may want to give the child up to a family that can better care for it, if you feel that you aren't sure that you can do the best thing. Maybe you feel that you are the best choice and can do everything that you need to raise this child, and there is no doubt in your mind about that. I am not trying to persuade you into giving up or keeping the baby. I am just trying to shed a little light on the situation. It is good that you ask this question here, you will get alot of advice. I pray you make the right choice for all involved. If you feel that you can offer this baby a better life, then good luck and best wishes, sincerely.
Pray for the answer, God will help you!

I am sorry that you are in this position, but try to enjoy it, preganancy for me was a wonderful time! DO NOT talk him into anything, it may make him resentful, and that is not good for you or the baby. He haas to want to be involved in his child's life, it's not something that you can force. That being said, you need to set your priorities, if you want to keep the baby, and that's what it sounds like, then you need to start thinking that way. Take the time to sit down with your parenets and his, they sound supportive, and figure what you will be doing for you and the baby. The father may not want to join in, and if he does that's fine too, but you need to really consider several things. I would get on WIC now, it's for pregnant mother's and their children. If you don't already have your diploma, find out what you need to do to get it before the baby is baby born. Where will you live, you can get on the housing list now, the wait time is avg 18months-30 months, apply for the daycare vouchers as soon as you can. If you have not been to social services yet GO!! They can help you get things together and get planning now, because the pregnancy will go by faster than you think.
How do you plan on supporting yourself and the baby, let him know that whether he sees the baby or not, he is still responsible for helping to support it. He needs to think about what he will do for that, and he may need more time to plan than you think. Make sure that he understands that he is the father, but it is your body that is caring for the baby right now. Even as married parents, my husband and I went back and forth on several things.
Social services can help with the bre minimum stuff, but if you want extras, then you need to find sa job, at this time of year you should be able to find something so that you can get money into the bank for later. If you celebrate Christmas, ask people to give you gift cards instead of other gifts, or maybe things for you and the baby. Hold onto to the gift cards and use them sparingly and for necessities.
Another thing that you can do, is talk with your high school guidance counselor, even if you are no longer in high school, because they have the information that can help you.
I will pray that everything works well for you and your baby, and that the father realizes what a special gift he has been given soon.

I am sorry you are in this very complicated situation; and sorry that you have so few real means to handle this yourself. Indeed, a pregnancy should be a joyous time of expected waiting, but this can simply not be the case for you. However, it might be later under wholly different circumstances when you are more mature and ready to parent, even single-parent, with a job and life experience in place. But for now, the inescapable facts: You can not "talk him" into wanting or accepting this baby, having a baby is a huge task and never 'fixes' relationships or other problems, manic-depression is a devastating disease and can present itself with many daily, life-long problems, you seem extremely young by your description, you can not support even yourself, you are proceeding with this pregnancy COUNTING on your family to raise your baby, open adoptions are very tricky for all of the people involved, not the least, the child. You owe it to yourself and your child to seek a best plan NOW; maybe for both of you together, but possibly apart. You also do not mention the stage of your pregnancy. Please see a crisis pregnancy counselor who will offer you information about ALL of your options in an unbiased manner. This is alot for a young person to handle alone or only with family. You need to think of YOU, ASAP.

It sounds like he has a lot of issues with change in general - it's normal to be confused and anxious about bringing a new person into the world, even when you're married and settled down with money, let alone just dating and struggling yourselves....but it sounds like you have a great support system with your family and you are level-headed and determined. I say that you don't have to convince him right now - you have the decision to make for yourself. You can just tell him that you are keeping the baby and he will have to learn to deal with it. He will come around eventually, and if he doesn't, you will still have your family to help. If he does, which he probably will when he sees his little boy or girl, then he will be happy he has a strong, independent girlfriend that has blessed his life with a new human being!! Don't pressure him though or he may get scared and just push you away....he has at least 9 months to get comfortable with the idea of himself being a dad...so no decisions have to be made immediately on his part. Just try to be understanding that he is freaking out and in the meantime, take care of yourself, you will need it! Also - bring him to the ultrasound appointment - he will want to see that - and it's such an amazing and bonding experience that no one can deny its unbelievable affect on a relationship!! Each step of the pregnancy is a new way to bring the two of you closer together and bond with the baby as well....especially seeing him/her and when he/she starts kicking, etc....keep us updated and let us know what happens! :)

I think it's honorable that you're taking the harder approach...that is, keeping the baby when there were other options available to you. You seem resolute in your decision to keep the baby. Don't let anyone try to talk you out of that.

It's ok for your boyfriend to have some concerns about keeping the baby but every parent has those similar concerns. If you think you might want to give the baby up for adoption, let that be YOUR decision. But please, PLEASE don't let anyone talk you into that.

And remember, (don't take this harshly) the baby will be there forever if you decide to keep it. Sometimes boyfriends come and go. I would hate to see you regret giving up the baby for a boyfriend that may or may not be there five years from now.

So follow your heart on this one!! And BEST WISHES!!

You didn't say how old you are...but I'm guessing late teens? I work in foster care and you are right...if you give your baby up for adoption, the child is not yours legally and once the papers are signed, you can't just get the child back when you are ready.

Parenting is THE hardest thing I've ever done and I was married with a master of social work degree in my 30s and our daughter was very planned. I love her with all I am and wouldn't trade it for anything...but it is harder than I had ever expected. It's day in and day out about what is best for your child...there isn't a lot of room to be selfish.

That being said, you can do it...especially if you have support from your family. Personally, I don't think you can reasonably expect your boyfriend to be reliable if he is not stable and taking his meds consistently. You need to be prepared to manage on your own, financially, emotionally, etc.

The wonderful thing about adoption is you are helping a couple who cannot otherwise have a child become a family. These couples have usually been trying for YEARS to have a family and are emotionally and finanically prepared to give all to a child. With an open adoption, you continue to have a relationship (though limited) with the family where you know how the child is doing...in this day and age, adopted children are told they are adopted. Personally, I think birth moms who choose adoption are HEROS! How incredibly selfless to love the child so much as to be realistic about what the future may hold and to offer that child to a couple who can't be a family without it.

My recommendation is to sit with all options individually for a few weeks at a time and truly look into all of your options...none of which have easy answers!

In closing, I used to be a "parent educator" which meant that I taught "parenting skills". I truly thought I was an "expert". I had a master of social work degree and read all the parenting books....then I became a parent!

J., what ever decision you make, it needs to be YOUR decision! Hang in there and enjoy this special time regardless of what you decide! Thoughts and prayers your way!!

D.

J.,

I know that you want your baby's father to be supportive and take an active role in the baby's life, but remember that your opinion counts too, not just his. If you want to keep your baby, you should try everything you can to keep it.

That being said, it sounds like you need a concrete plan to convince him that the two of you can do it. Perhaps if you put it in writing. List the reasons why you think you can handle parenthood--like support from your family, plans to work to bring in money, etc. Your boyfriend is just scared to take on the responsibility of a baby, which is natural. Also, keep in mind that you can still give up a child for adoption at a later date if you find it isn't working. That wouldn't be the best solution, and it would be hard on everyone involved, but it can be done.

Good luck. Perhaps others have better advice.

J.,
A baby cannot make you responsible and a baby cannot make you grow up. That is up to you. A baby is a blessing. I am trying not to get on my soap box. I have seen all sides of the coin. I am adopted and I am thankful everyday that my biological mother loved me enough to give me up. I have friends who had children young (in their teens) and they have struggled since day one. Some haven't grown up yet and their children are in their teens. You really need to consider are you keeping the baby because it is best for the baby or are you keeping the baby because that is what you want? Being a parent means putting your baby before yourself.
I am not saying you can't do it, but think about why you are doing it.

It is your choice, not his. You cannot necessarily change other people's minds. You can try to persuade him to join you in this journey, but he will make his own decisions. This decision is yours and you have obviously already made it. If we all waited until we felt completely ready to have a baby - financially, emotionally - it might never happen. Congratulations and enjoy your new life as a mom!

You are correct. In open adoption you would be allowed to visit your child but you can't take the child back. Hey, think about it. That would not be fair to the adoptive parents who are caring for the child everyday and bonding with the child closely. It sounds to me that you already love your baby and you will not want to give it up. Especially when you give birth and the female love hormones kick in, you will seriously want to keep your baby. God put this in mothers so they would take care of their children. I strongly advise you to breastfeed the baby too. The child will be much more healthy on mother's milk and you will not have the expense of formula and doctor visits. Pray for your boyfriend. Perhaps he will bond to the baby if he gets to watch the miracle of it's birth. You have erred to have sex outside of marriage and to get pregnant so young. Now I pray you face the consequences in a responsible manner. God still loves you and the baby too. AF

It IS a hard decision and I don't envy you being in the position to have to make it. Since you are not married, you each need to make the individual decision to be a parent or not. You can't "talk him into wanting" to raise a child. At this point, ask yourself if you are ready to raise a child on your own (with some support from your parents). If you are than he can make his decision about parenting your new baby, and his ongoing relationship with you, without the "one or the other extreme" factored in. (I hope that makes sense). Raising a child will definately make you take more responsibility and "grow up," but Please don't think that this child will bring you closer together. Children are STRESSFUL - just read some of these posts to get an idea.

That said, I wanted to give you a little information on adoption for you and your boyfriend. First, finding adoptive parents for an infant is not difficult to do. There are people who wait and search for years to adopt. BUT - open or not, ADOPTION IS FINAL. You can't come back a few years later and say, "Hey, I'm doing well now and have finished school or got a good job, so I am ready to try this parent thing now." My two daughters are adopted. They have birth certificates with my and my husbands names, age and occupation at the time they were born. They are my children as much as the children staying with their birthparents - just to look at my oldest mimicking my mannerisms will convince anyone of that. They came through DSS and were 5mos and 15mos when they came into our care. When parental rights were terminated for the birthparents, they chose not to request an open adoption, so there is no contact at this point. If you initiate an adoption, you can legally request whatever reasonable contact you want with your child and the new parents. You even get to CHOOSE the new parents for your child. You control things.

I hope that this gives you a little information. Children are such an amazing blessing, but I am convinced that God made them so cute so we wouldn't get rid of them when they behave like perfect little monsters. Whether you decide to raise your child alone, raise your child with your boyfriend, or make an adoption plan, remember that all the decisions are FINAL. The only relationship that has room to change is the one with your boyfriend.

Good luck and God bless whatever decision you make.

S.

I read some of the other posts, but not all. One woman mentioned WIC-it does apply to pregnant women, but there are conditions/requirements. You should find a local office and set up an appointment and they'll tell you if you're able to do it. It will provide you with milk, eggs, cheese, and a few other things if you qualify. A child isn't the way to teach you to become responsible-you have to make that choice. You said you were young, but didn't say how young. A friend and I both accidentally got pregnant at the same time-we were 19. My boyfriend and I got married, and we decided we were going to grow up. It took my husband a little longer than me. My friend though-didn't really care. She was still doing things that she knew would harm the baby and not taking responsibility in general. Your boyfriend may not want the responsibility, and may leave if you won't give the baby up. Or he may decide that he does want the baby, but I wouldn't count on him so that you won't be thinking you're in it together and then he leaves. I think going to a crisis pregnancy center is a great idea. They can let you know what other financial helps you may be able to get through social services or local organizations. I know when I told my boyfriend, we were both scared-we had just started our sophomore year in college and it's supposed to be the time of your life, and all of a sudden we were parents. Maybe that's how your boyfriend is feeling as well. He could just be overwhelmed. We certainly were. But like several others, I wouldn't count on him changing his mind. He might, but he might not. The best thing you can do now is find what you can to help you and the baby.

I know you have a lot of responses already but I just had to add some things. My husband's ex wife is bipolar, ADHD and suffers from depression. You will not get much help, if any, from your boyfriend. My husband tried to stick it out with his ex for the sake of their son. He finally divorced her after 9 years, when their son was 7 b/c he realized what a horrible influence she was on their son and that he wasn't protecting him but damaging him. He is now 13; he lives with us and we struggle daily with him. He was told by his mother that it's okay to lie, that his dad is the bad guy. He has learned from her example (she lives with her parents and does not work) that you don't have to work at anything and if something is a challenge then just throw your hands up and someone else will do it. We have tried EVERYTHING to get him on a better path, to modify his behavior, to get him to care about something - ANYTHING - but he doesn't. This is what you are up against with your boyfriend. Even if he has the best of intentions (which it kind of sounds like he doesn't) he may not be able to offer you any help or support! AND your child may struggle with these same problems/mental illness. Are you prepared? Parenting is WONDERFUL and you will never love anyone as much as you love your child but it is all give, give, give and when you think you have nothing more to give, give more. You need to be ready to take on 100% of the giving by yourself - you can't count on parents, friends or boyfriend. I'm not saying you can't do it, plenty of people have. I'm just trying to get you thinking. 1 final thing, please be sure to get immediate prenatal care for your sake and the baby's. Take your vitamins every day, watch what you eat, don't smoke or do drugs, don't drink caffeine or use synthetic sugars, get a lot of rest and exercise. It's all so important. Best of luck to you. I wish I could help you more.

J. Hello,

How old are you and your boyfriend? Also a child isn't going to make anyone grow up and be responsible. You should sit and talk to someone and listen and think "Am I able to keep this child and give him/her the best that I can" if you feel that you can do this with your family help and you feel that it is the best interest for the child than okay. But remember this is a child who you are responsible for. Please make the correct decision.

These are just my thoughts. First, he cannot force you into putting the baby up for adoption. So, that will be your decision. And I would, at this point, not expect any help from him. You may even have to go your separate ways. Second, having a baby is not the way to force you to become responsible. It may happen that way, or you may come to resent the baby. Think long and hard about everything. I am not saying give the baby up for adoption. Just really consider EVERYTHING before making a final decision. At this point, you do have time. Make sure you have a good support system, meaning family and friends. If you should keep the baby, you will need to rely on them for a lot of help. Raising a baby is one of the hardest, but one of the most rewarding things you can do in your life. I adore my 4 kids, and can't imagine what my life would have been with out them. Good luck.

I would add to all the other great advice; do some research on the programs available to single mothers in your area. Having a support structure in place is the best thing you can do for yourself. Most places will have parenting classes that will help you learn how to care for your child. If you are thinking about college as well, there are a few excellent programs for Mothers with children. Best wishes, whatever your decision.

Congrats on the new baby!!!! I am hardened to think you are letting someone else make a LIFE decision for you:( I dont have any of the medical issues your boyfriend does and niether does my hubby but everytime we became pregnant it was nerve racking, it is supposed to be. You are taking on NEW LIFE and that is a big thing. All parents are nervous especially in the begining. This is a gift and you will work it out because you love this baby. My concern is that you are letting someone else DICTATE how you feel about this pregnancy and the how it will impact YOUR life. Not fair to you or your baby. I think you need to decide for yourself and go from there. He will come with you and the baby or not. I no this is tough but being a mom is about making the best decision for BOTH of you!!
I hope you choose what you think is best and pray about the rest!!
Thanks
T.

J. I commend you for trying to make a responsible decision and it's obvious that you love the new life growing inside you. The unconditional love that you'll get with your baby you'll never know if you give it up for adoption. You have help from your family, you WILL manage. It's also great that you want to work with your boyfriend's concerns but remember relationships with boyfriends can change and at some point he may not even be in your life (I hope that doesn't happen). Just work hard to provide for your baby's needs, look for good, safe help as you need it and you'll be fine. I wish you the best!

Adoption is a beautiful thing and you are not a bad person if you choose that path. I considered it but chose a different path, but which ever path you chose, you are still a great person. I am a single mother, my daughter is 4 and has never met her father. When she was born I never thought we would make it. My family could not help because they all worked so much. But I was in college when I got pregnant and I never skipped a beat. I had her during the summer and went right back to school. I received help with government assistance and got by for many tough years. It was tough...very tough, working, going to school and taking care of her. But the assistance made it possible. There is help out there! I completed my Bachelors in May and have had my dream job ever since. I am now working on my Masters just to challenge my self and set an example for my daughter. I am now off government assistance and we are doing great! From her birth to about 6 months ago my salary was 12,000 a year. I now make 40,000. Trust me, you will figure out how to make ends meet. And if you have family to help, you are ahead of the game. It is very possible to make this work, but you must sacrifice and accept the stress that is to come. Being an independent woman and mother is an amazing feeling and trust me, if I can do it, anyone can do it.
either way, follow your gut and do not feel guilty if you pick adoption. You will be blessing another family. You will make the right decision, just let it come to you, just don't be scarred. Everything will work out...I promise. If you ever want to talk more about this, I can give you some great resources, I have a had an incredible journey and would love to help someone out. I hope your fiance gets well, be there for him, it may take awhile but sometimes with depression you are just stuck in a rut for awhile. But just remember, if it doesn't work out, you will make it on your own. Also, I know many people look negatively on government assistance...I have wrote many research papers on the topic and people do not realize how many good people need this help. That s what the system was created for. It is for a transitional period in your life. And there is nothing...ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong with a single parent household. The government assistance gave me the tools to accomplish what I needed to do. Trust me, it is not a free ride, you will still struggle, but finish school and go to college and you will surprise yourself. I was an honor student after I had my daughter. I maintained a 3.6 GPA the whole time and was recognized for my scholarly achievements. I followed my dream and passion for the outdoors and national parks and I am now a federal law enforcement officer for the National Park Service.You can accomplish anything you want..trust me!!! Don't let other posts or people make you feel like you are dysfunctional because of your situation...you are the norm...your situation is the norm...life is not supposed to be easy or follow some perfect schedule like graduate high school, then college, have a career, marry your high school sweetheart,then have children. It does not have to happen in any certain order. You make life what you want it to be, it is up to you, play he cards you have been dealt. Take on challenges head on and you will be a wise wise woman. Good luck hun, regardless what you do, life will wok out the way it should. Keep your chin up and do not hesitate to send me a message if you would like to arrange for a phone call. You are going to be O.K!

You sound like a really kind and good mother already. And you've done some of the hard work figuring out how to care for your baby. Please do not talk your boyfriend into keeping the baby. I have three sons with a man who is no longer interested in caring for them and it is very hurtful to the children. It would be much better to figure out how you can care for your child with the support you have from your family. Your boyfriend may struggle for his whole life with his mental health issues, finding the right medicine, the right lifestyle, the right job. Your baby needs a stable home with people who provide structure, predictability, food, clothing, shelter, education, fun, and love. He may choose and be able to help with some of that. But listen to what he is saying!

You can make the right choice for your child. If you decide to give the baby up for adoption, you will be giving your child and another family an amazing gift. But it would cause so much pain and suffering to try and undo that gift. Legally you probably would not succeed but damage would be done to the baby's adoptive family as they would wake up every day wondering if they could keep the child they love so much.

If you keep your baby, you will raise her as best as you can. It's not just about money for the things the baby needs, it's about setting up your life so she has love, stability, and education. She or he won't look at you as less of a mom just because you are young. You will be Mom!

If you look at your life and figure out a way to get on a path to having a job that will support being a Mom, then consider it. But you will have to change how you live, how you play, and how you work.

You are in my prayers.

i agree with the other poster, it is your body, your pregnancy, YOUR baby - the decision is not his to make.
after the baby is born he will come around - or not - but it doesnt matter, if you want the baby then keep it or you will always regret it

I think you might have to tell him that it's his choice whether or not to have a relationship with the child, but that you are. He can 'give it up' to you, but then it's your decision down the line. You can't go in and out of a kid's life without it being very difficult for them.

Dear J.,
Wow, it seems like you got good advice already! Congrats on your pregnancy. No matter what the situation it, this baby is a gift from God.
And as a birthmother, once you give up your parental rights whethe rit be open adoption or not. YOU are giving up parenting that child. Their are some extreme cases of open adoption(where both parties agree to it and sign by a contract drawn up by a lawyer etc.) where the birthparents can see the child but don't tell the child who they are(like the parents would say this is Aunti whomever...)

Please do not 'convince' your boyfriend to be a father if he already has the mind set of adoption.
And yes being a parent is a HUGE responsibility BUT having a child will not automatically make either of you grow up.
So if whether or not you decide to keep your baby there are resources out there to help. There is a crisis pregnancy center I voulnteer at www.assistcpc.org and you should definately sign up for WIC while you're pregnant and make sure to take your prenatal vitamins etc. Do you have health insurance etc? The Dept of Family Services(medicaid-medicare) the Fairfax office is ###-###-####. And Northern Virginia Family Services in Falls Church ###-###-####. If you need to talk further or anything my e-mail is ____@____.com
P.

J.,
First I have to say I am so so proud of you for making the decision to have the baby and not abort it. You have already taken the first step in responsible parenting! So good for you.
Every child is a gift from God and when he/she is born you will experience a kind of love that you have never known before. Cherish this baby and he/she will give you the most wonderful gifts throughout your life.
Parenting is no easy task and not everyone, actually few people, have it easy financially and emotionally when they start having babies.

With that being said, if you decide not to put the baby up for adoption you will find many resources for help and I strongly urge you to use them all. You are very fortunate to live in a country that can enable people to create a better life for themselves. Get a job, live with your family (but be sure to help with the bills, etc), and please please please go to college and make a stable future for yourself. Your family will bend over backwards for you if they see you are trying really hard to raise a child AND make a better future for both of you.
Do not rely on your boyfriend for help, but please do not exclude him when he offers anything! As you described him he is unstable and therefore I assume unreliable, so you need to prepare yourself to be a single mom. Hopefully he will be a proactive partner, but if he is not at least you will be taking the necessary steps to be self-reliant.

Go to garage sales and use craigslist for baby items and maternity clothes, use WIC (a food subsidy program for low income parents), your church, etc, and while you are pregnant start your college because you can get a really big jump start on your education before your baby gets here.
If your family can put you on their medical insurance, then you could do a home based or direct selling business and still have lots of time at home for baby and studying.

Good luck to you and God bless you. And again, thank you for not aborting that beautiful gift of life!

I have read most of the posts here and agree with most of them regarding parenting and how difficult it is and what it requires of you. There is one thing that seems to be lacking here and that is what type of environment will this child grow up in?
I am not one of those people that says whatever you want to do, it is your decision because you are making this decision for another life. What will their life be like if you decide to raise them on your own?

If the father is not interested in helping, being supoportive etc but then decides he wants to be involved or lets say he is involved but not taking his meds what type of personality will he have on any given day? Will he be a danger to his own child if he has a manic episode? Will he be a danger if he becomes extremely depressed and is in the presence of the baby? What type of relationship will you have when the stresses of raising a baby are thrown into the mix of your relationship? Will he be able to maintain calm?
What about your family? Are they really going to be supportive? Is there going to be judgement and resentment on their parts because they have to give up things in order to raise YOUR baby? Asking others for help is fine but to ask others to rearrange their lives (and believe me, having a baby will definitely do that) is not fair to them.
There is nothing admirable about a woman that decides to keep a child that will end up emotionally or physically damaged due to that decision.

Please think about all the angles here when it comes to your decision. You have extra to think about because the father has imbalances that can effect the decision to have him in the child's life. There are stories out there of people hurting their children because they have not been taking their medication or worse the child ends up dead.

Now, if you can, with a clear conscience, decide to keep the child and know that the father has a good handle on his medical situation and mental situation and that you can provide for the child and be there emotionally, mentally, physically and financially then I suggest that you get counseling to make it work.
Be prepared for problems with the boyfriend. Being bi-polar is nothing to sneeze at if you are deciding to bring a child into the picture.

With an open adoption you can make sure the child gets what they need and the environment is SAFE for the child. AS others have said, the adoptive parents are prepared for a child, have been waiting to have a child to love and are there with open arms and hearts to give that child the best possible (and even then things are not perfect and can be difficult).

I do not envy your position and I hope you do not feel that I am judging you because I am not. I think it is brave of you to ask for help and I would be worried if you didn't. It is obvious that you love this child and are doing your best to do the right thing. But, in the end, please think of the type of life you want for that child and whether or not you will be able to give them that life or not. I have seen those unplanned pregnancies and what having a child before you are ready does to the child. It isn't pretty.
Take the advice here regarding counseling and talking with family and friends and make lists, pros and cons but always, always, always keep in mind the type of life that child will have with whatever decision you make.

Good luck to you. I hope that things work out for the very best and that you can be confident in whatever decision you make. My heart goes out to you and your family.

Note: I agree that whatever you decide you should still enjoy this time of being pregnant. Cherish it and be joyful. It makes all the difference in the world to the child growing inside you. The happier that mom is, the better off the baby will be when they are born.Stress hormones are no good for the baby. PLease get some counseling help to get through the stresses you are dealing with.

Well, that does sound like a difficult situation. I suppose you can look at it as you have the final decision. If you want to keep the baby, I don't believe he can change that. I would strongly suggest you discuss the situation with those family members whom you are expecting to help make it all work. If you have this expectation that your father is going to help out, you better make sure he knows you are counting on this help and discuss your plan (work, child care, etc). If you are going to work, you better have child care coverage during that time. If you are not planning to work and the boyfriend decides not to help support you, will your father foot the bill?

I think it is wonderful that you want to keep the baby and I hope it works out for you... however I hope you are also very honest with yourself and those around you. The boyfriend has some serious medical conditions (and he may be afraid the baby will too) which could make him unreliable at some point. I think you have to be comfortable with the idea that you MAY have to raise this baby without his assistance and then hope that it works out that he is supportive and plays a big role. The fact that you will be living in different homes means he will be a visitor anyway, so think about how this will REALLY work out for you... not how you would like it to work. Think of the worst case senario and become comfortable with your options before you make the decision.

It's a tough situation and I really hope it works out well for you. Good luck.

Liz

Hi J. K,

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!! No matter what, a baby is a miracle and a joy, and this will change your life in many ways. However, I also wanted to add a few words of warning, from experience.

I also became pregnant with a boyfriend out of wedlock. He and I were on and off again, mostly friends with benefits. Well, the news of my pregnancy was hard for both of us to take, and he stopped talking to me for a while. But then he came round, and actually proposed to me on my birthday that year (a very romantic memory)!! But things went downhill fast - I moved back to my hometown to live with my parents, he stayed as a single guy with his friend for a while (hard on me as a pregnant lady when my then fiance would go out to parties and live his old lifestyle, just visiting me once a month). He eventually moved in with his parents, but that was worse for him and for our relationship...

Well, fast-forward three plus years down the road, and things are still rough with my child's father, but not as horrible. We went through a lot together and apart, and it was extremely hard and sometimes I wish I never met my baby's father at all. It has been that bad. But I love my child more than anything, and he loves him, too. We try our best to be friends for our child, but otherwise, I think our connection is fading. If not fading, I still don't see us marrying or anything like that anytime soon!!

J., in answer to your question, I don't think there is any way to convince a guy to want his own baby. He will convince himself if he wants to be involved. But honestly, from my perspective and experience, sometimes it is better to be on your own, as a single parent, than to try to work it out with someone who may or may not be on the same page as you... and nothing feels quite so bad as knowing someone is with you out of obligation instead of love. In your heart you know. You can love someone very very much, but it still may not be the guy you want to live your life with. The pregnancy and birth of your child will test that relationship, and then you will know for sure. Until then, find ways to be yourself and be happy and joyful for your baby. Everything else is just small stuff. Best wishes on your journey, and be brave.

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Stay strong. I agree, go to counseling right away. If your boyfriend doesn't want to go for some reason, still go for yourself. If you have decided you want to keep this baby, please please keep it. You can do this!

Now for reality, it is HARD!! You need to go about this in the mind set that your boyfriend will not be there, in case the worst case scenario happens, you will be prepared. A child will not make him mature, trust me. Unless he is 100% ready and willing to mature, he will not. You are going to have to make a LOT of sacrifices. I am sure you are starting to see your own right now with the pregnancy. You need to keep yourself very healthy, eat well, take vitamins, go to the doctor a lot, not to mention all of the pregnancy effects, nausea, being tired, etc. These are minor, compared to what is coming. Hopefully your boyfriend will be supportive, but if he isn't it is going to be a very hard and sometimes lonely road. You are at risk of postpartum depression without having his support. It is good that your family is supportive, stay close with them, they will be your needed ally through this. Hopefully your boyfriend will be there for you too. He has to take responsibility, but not all do and then you have to prepare for making the decision of lawyers, court, etc. or decide to do it ALL on your own.

The cost alone of raising a child is overwhelming. If you are going to work, you need to pay for daycare ($300 a WEEK!), plus clothes, diapers, housing (I assume you will not be living with family for the next 18 years), health care, food, and so many more things. Kids cost A LOT. If you are not finished school, please finish! You will need to have that degree to help you on your way to supporting your child in the long run. Look into programs for single mothers trying to go to college. Make sure you have that ironed out and do not quit school. You can do it!

Emotionally, you are going to have to put your baby first. You are going to have to be patient, and I mean patient. It is so easy to look at someone else kids from the outside and say 'I would never' or 'If I had a child....' but until you are a parent, you have no idea, really. You will have a new respect for your parents, that is for sure :-)

Babies grow really really quick, and then they take EVERYTHING in and the environment they have will forever effect them into adulthood. You need to make sure it is as stable as possible. You have to have self control to make sure you are setting a good example at all times. You can not make bad decisions or choices, if you do it will effect your child in unimaginable ways.

Get a support system of other mothers, this is a great site to get help, advise, support. Go to counseling. Look into programs to help you finish school and get started on a career path. Look into WIC, and other programs if needed. At least until you get on your feet. Take your family support, trust me, they will be so important for you. Good luck, please please believe in yourself. You can do this! Everything is for you and that baby from now on Girl! Every decision you make, you will have to make it for your baby. Stay strong, you can do this!

if you want this child then go for it, dont use this child as a building block, be prepared for the boyfirend to walk out, tell him he has 9 months to grow up.

my opinion you give it up for adoption then you dont deserve it back, yes you could be doing the right thing by the child but you then dont have the right to then turn around and say well i can provide for myself and the child now thanks for doing all the hard work i till take the easy years now.

that is just wrong to the other sets of parents and the baby

start spreading out the bills of purchasing baby stuff, like every pacheck go out and buy baby items, start planning this out now. you had the sex you knew there was a chance you made a commitment to keep it now follow threw, if you dont you will probably regret it. you can always go aftre the bf for child support later. long and the short of it is grow up. if you made the decision to keep it then keep it. if you get rid of it then it is gone untill they come to look for you.

you dont, you tell him he either grow up and helps and enjoys the blessing or he gets lost. you obviously dont want to get rid of it. but make up your mind not his. if you get rid of it because of him you will end up breaking up with him and hating your self over it.

I haven't been in this situation, but someone close to me was. She went to the adoption agency to get the information, but in the end decided that she couldn't do it and kept the baby. the father wanted nothing to do with it and was out of the picture until the day the baby was born when he showed up. After seeing the birth of his son, he fell in love and was part of his child's life. They have struggled on and off for a few years, but with the help of family are trying to make it work. I would suggest that you get all of the information and then if you decide to keep your baby, do so knowing that you could be possibly be doing it without him.

First of all you don't say how old you are, by your request I am assuming you are young maybe under 20 or so.
I think both of you need counseling immediately.
Adoption is not a bad thing, trust me you are not the only one in this world who has thought about going that route or even doing it.
Raising a child is very very difficult ask any mother or father or a single parent. Are you sure that your boyfriend is going to be there the whole time. You don't say if he is taking any meds for his issues.
Have you realistically thought about raising a baby? Do you know the time and money it costs for just one child.
I think the two of you need to immediately sit down with a counselor and make some decisions on your future and the baby's future. You need to make sure you are mentally and finacially prepared to take on a baby. I wish you luck and hope you are not offended by what I said.
Godd Luck to the both of you.

P.S. For all the ladies saying it is her decision to make they both made the baby together or do women now get pregnant by themselves? He needs to be included in the decision.... ladies do you make decisions like that without your parnters?????
Come on bad advice.........
KRW

Bottom line -- you want to keep this baby, right? Do you think you can do it on your own, with your family's help getting started? Then do it! Make sure you make a long-term plan, involving going back to school, etc. so that some day you can support yourself and pay for child care while you work. Make sure you can do it without the boyfriend. Do research, ask career experts, find out about student loans. You've got 9 months to get your act together. If you can't figure out a plan how to make ends meet in that time, then you may want to consider the adoption option.

If you want to encourage your boyfriend to stay in your life and be a father for your baby, he needs encouragement that he can be a good father despite his medical issues. It's completely natural to panic, and he might be right about the financial issues! It's up to you to prove to your boyfriend that you can make enough money. Show him your long-term plan.

You don't have to talk him into anything. Inform him that you are keeping the baby and let him make up his own mind about sticking around for it. You are the one carrying this child, you are the one that will feel the first stirrings of life within your womb, you are the one that will be suffering through labor and delivery. You have every right to make the final decision for you and the baby, leave the final decision for him...to him. I know it sounds hard and maybe even cold, but there comes a point when you have to do what is right for you and stop letting someone else make your decisions for you. If you're going to be a mother, then you'd better start getting used to it right now.

On the other hand, if you truly feel, deep down inside, that baby would have a chance at a better life if you were to consider adoption, then by all means consider adoption.

My point is, don't let him tell you what to do and don't let him interfere if you KNOW that what you're doing is the right thing.

Short answer: you can't talk your bf into wanting the baby again. You've decided you want to keep the baby. Do that. If your bf wants to be part of that, then that is a separate decision. Maybe he'll come around, but he may not. You can't control other people's feelings and actions; just your own. I wish you all the best with this, and hope things go well for you. At least your father is willing to provide a stable home for you and your baby, and that is something to be extremely grateful for.

WHat a difficult situation to be in! My heart goes out to you. The truth is that you can't expect to change his thoughts and feelings and it is likely the more you try the stronger he will feel. I don't know how old you are and whether his concerns are legitimate, but maybe you should seek some couples counseling before you make this decision.

i'm not surprised that he's getting scared. he has a lot of challenges already, and this one will be HUGE. i don't blame him, and i don't think you can or should talk him into wanting to keep the baby. he feels how he feels and you have to respect that.
he also has a point that you have to be realistic. babies are not only enormously expensive, they are a daily, hourly, by-the-minute responsibility that can never ever be put aside. he himself is not being realistic in his pie-in-the-sky hope that you could do an open adoption and then take the baby back. how terribly traumatic for the baby itself and the parents. i'm so glad that's NOT how it works.
a baby will not make you responsible, or create money for you to manage, or a stable life in any way. you must stop thinking that way. it would be lovely if reproducing automatically made people responsible, but we see examples of this not being the case everywhere and it's terrible.
relying on your parents to support you is the first example of your not really facing up to what you're doing. have you discussed with your father your confidence that he's going to be the guy holding the bag if your boyfriend isn't around and you're not working?
i'm sorry to be tough on you. i applaud your decision to have the baby and know you must be scared and confused. but you cannot rely on your boyfriend, and you cannot expect your family to be your safety net forever. if you yourself cannot provide a stable home for this child, you should consider letting it go with love to parents who can give it a good life. if you decide to keep it, may all the gods bless you, and please start looking for a job with health insurance and start being responsible NOW.
good luck!
khairete
S.

it sounds to me like your boyfriend is actually being very responsible and thinking pretty clearly about the future. perhaps he is sensing something within himself and knows he will not be a good parent and this is not the time for him to be responsible for another life. adoption is actually one of the hardest decisions to make, while keeping a baby is really the easy way out, in my opinion.

likewise, you should face reality as it is highly likely you will be raising this baby with the huge help of your family. if you are young, at some point you will likely want to start doing your own thing away from the child, then your parents and in-laws will have to step in with child rearing where your boyfriend and yourself are leaving off.

giving up a baby for adoption is not a cop-out. it is a hugely brave decision that takes a self-less person who looks at reality and deep within herself to chose what is right for the little baby's life. it can make a sad, childless couple extremely happy, and can make a very big difference in the life of a child.

good luck.

First off .. you can't talk him back into keeping the baby.

Second, it sounds like he's RIGHT. You are still in high school, he's got SERIOUS mental health issues, you're EXPECTING your father and/or the tax payers to take care of you AND the baby if you can't find something (and in this economy, you're probably going to have an EXTREMEMLY hard time finding a job), you expect the baby to "make you more responsible and grow up". NONE of these are great ways to start out raising a child. and worse ... the last is particularly UNTRUE and DANGEROUS for that baby. If you're going to keep that baby you need to grow up and be responsible ALREADY.

An open adoption is still an adoption that's true and the adoptive parents get to keep that baby forever. However, you'll have the opportunity to be as involved as the parents and you agree to. You won't get the child back ... ever. As it should be.

My advice ... seriously consider adoption. Take his concerns and your ability to care for a child well seriously. A child isn't JUST an 18 year commitment, it's a LIFETIME commitment. ESPECIALLY if your child has serious health and/or mental health issues. Which is a distinct possibility considering the issues the father has.

Good luck with everything. I hope that in the end whichever decision you make it is TRUELY the best decision FOR THE CHILD.