Handling My Daughter's Feelings When I Am Just Learning to Handle My Own.

Hey JB,

Sounds like everyone in your situation is needing a little empathy. You needed it from your own parents as a child, and from what you describe, you didn't get it (or get enough of it when it mattered, anyway). It's difficult to explain to others how stinkin' HARD it is to parent empathetically when we haven't had that modeled for us by our own parents.

I know of which I speak: I grew up in a household which offered ZERO empathy. It was something I had to learn on my feet as an adult. Counseling helped (I've been very open about that...it's the reason my life is as good as it is now) and two books really helped for me. The first is "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. This book will give you tried and true techniques for being able to effectively listen and reflect back to your daughter her concerns as well as your reassurances. The second is a book I often recommend for its great disciplinary techniques and its understanding of the child's needs: "Taking Charge: Caring Discipline that works at home and at school" by Joanne Nordling. This book is unique in that there is a section devoted to understanding a child's inner reality of a given situation *while* we discipline. (I think of this in reference to the struggle around naps.) I wouldn't recommend these books just because I like them; instead, I've recommended them to other parents who have found them very helpful in relating to their children and feel more confident now that they are meeting their child's needs AND getting better results in regard to behavior.

On the more personal side of things: I understand your awareness that we don't want to shut down our kids just because we are uncomfortable with upsetting subject matter. I'm not as quick at turning down the radio newsbreaks as I'd like, and sometimes my son hears the harder truths about world affairs. He will ask "did someone die? why?" and we try to use simple language like "bad guys, good guys" and "it's really sad". The other day we were gently trying to change the subject because it had been exhausted and he asked if we didn't "want to talk about it because it's sad, right?" Observant little guy.

The sorry part is a bit harder. Many families often teach that "sorry" is the appropriate end of any conflict which includes hurt feelings. Thus, it's natural that the child comes to expect it of adults who are disappointing them. If you consider that she is needing to hear the word, it's easy to put it into a statement without outright apologizing for the unpleasant (to her) direction you are giving. "I'm sorry you are sad about naptime. We still need to rest. (and here, I'd offer a choice if you can, even a small one like 'which blanket would you like' or 'is there a special story you'd like for our snuggle time' )" or "Yes, I know you don't like to go in the car on errands. You want to know what? I don't think they're all that fun either. I'm sorry that we have to do this now, and I wonder, which toys would you like to bring so you have some fun in the car? (then offer a choice)" For me, this is a 1-2-3: relating, apology (if reasonable) and then the choice. The choice is what helps kids actually move past the moment.

Sometimes we can also transition topics (as you described, not letting an unpleasant subject go), and my husband and I do this with little guy from time to time. "You know, we've been talking about this (sad thing) for a while. I think we're all pretty sad and I'm ready to talk about something new. Here are two ideas: unicorns or teddy bears?" A choice is offered and encourage a flight of fancy... here, you can ask an open-ended question too. "If you had a zoo, which sort of animals would you choose?" or "If you could go to the grocery store and get anything you like, what would it be? What would you put in your basket?"

There are also some good articles online about helping children develop resilience, and I think parts of your question above would be well-met by those sorts of articles.

Also remember (and it's so hard, because I've been here too) to keep finding things to like about yourself, to keep noticing when you make great decisions as a parent--write down those good ones in a journal, as well as those you are wanting to work on and ideas for next time. Give yourself a break and *know* that your daughter is lucky because of your awareness around your own desire to do better for yourself and for her. Changing our habits, our self perceptions-- this isn't easy or overnight work. It takes a lot of time. I've had lots of counseling, am a totally different person than I was 10, 12 years ago, and there are still days that I struggle to deal with negative self-perceptions and other 'hangovers' from my childhood. The fact that you are actively working to break the cycle is really, really good news for your family. Keep on working on yourself, keep on being open and asking questions and give yourself a lot of love, even when it feels really strange to do so. :) We all have inherent worth within, even if we were told we didn't, that we were disappointments to our parents or didn't live up to their own expectations. If you are actively trying to learn how to be a better mom, how to be empathetic and supportive to your daughter, it won't be so hard or take so long for her.

Happy New Year and good luck. Please PM me if you want any details/clarification on what I've described or have any questions.( I'm off Mamapedia after today, in order to get some stuff done in my real life!:))

5 moms found this helpful

i agree with the others - with your history i feel like you should be prepared for her to struggle with the same issues. talking to your doctor or hers is a good start. tell them you see in her things that you struggled with - being unable to let go of negative feelings, etc.

and i would never apologize for making her take a nap or do other things that she NEEDS to do. my son tried to turn things around on me like that once or twice - i just made darn sure that the WAY i told him was not hurtful. then he has no leg to stand on. if i say "please go lay down and take a nap now." and he doesn't do it, he is sent to time out, also with a "please". take all the irritation and judgment out of your voice, then she has no way to critisize how you're doing it. then if or when she starts trying to tell you that you hurt her feelings, you can say in all honesty, "honey i was completely nice to you. i think you're mad because you have to do something you don't want to. now you need to go do it and no more excuses." of course we should be respectful of them and not deliberately hurt their feelings - but at the end of the day they need to do as they're told. you are smarter than a 4 year old ;) don't let her play that game.

good luck!

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Hi JB-

I think you can 'acknowledge' her feelings...and not apologize!

Just say 'I understand that you are feeling _______ right now. Let's _______ together (clean up room...take a quiet rest and I will read you a book, and you can read quietly read here by yourself til ___ time....etc).

As far as car accidents and things...again, acknowledge, and move forward with something. Often with my kiddos, we would say a quick prayer...and move on!
Best Luck!
Michele/cat

3 moms found this helpful

I think that if I were you, I'd go talk to a child psychologist about your daughter. It worries me that perhaps she has inherited some of your issues. Dwelling on bad stuff too much, demanding that you say you are sorry, etc.

If I told my kids no, and they demanded that I apologize for hurting their feelings for saying no, I would not apologize. That is me, and I am talking about my own kids. I have said to them that I realize that they don't like my decision, but they still may not do "x", and then I disengaged with the conversation. And I hung tough with that too, because what my kids were REALLY trying to do was to get me to give in and let them do whatever it was that they wanted to do. The more they got to argue with me or make me feel bad about my choice, the more chance they felt they had to wear me down or win me over. I wonder if your daughter might be doing the same thing, in a different way.

That's why it might be helpful to seek out a child psychologist to help you with this. You have had a bad time of it, and it is obvious that you are unsure of how to handle things. I PROMISE you that she feels your lack of confidence and she will use it against you.

Good luck,
D.

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Good advice below. I especially like Teenmom's advice. I know some of those very sensitive kids who get their feelings hurt very easily, but I don't think it's healthy to always be apologizing when there is really nothing to apologize for. So "I'm sorry but..." isn't that useful most of the time. One, it's not really an apology, and two, you really don't need to apologize when her feelings are hurt just because she didn't do something she was supposed to. On a certain level, even in a very sensitive child, telling mom she needs to hear sorry is a certain amount of manipulation.

I think you should only say sorry if you know you have done something wrong. If you didn't yell, or belittle her, or say something mean, then I don't think you should be apologizing. That is setting her up for unrealistic expectations about how people are going to coddle her feelings her whole life. Mirroring her emotions is almost always a good thing, but don't take it to extremes.

Four is still young, but even in a four year old, if you have not been inappropriate as a parent, when she says her feelings are hurt because you told her no, I don't think you should be apologizing for that.

Anyway, you have lots of good advice, good luck. Shelter her from scary news, and mirror her emotions, and don't apologize because she had to hear the word "no." That's my advice.

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Unfortunately, mental illness is hereditary and it is possible that your daughter may be showing signs of anxiety already by her dwelling on the bad stuff and constantly demanding apologies from you. Keep an eye on her and if she starts getting worse with things like that, then I think seeking a child psychologist might be a good answer. My sister showed signs of OCD from a very young age and my parents ignored it (as well as my mom's paranoia) and both of them are now pretty much incapacitated. I read an article once about how Jessica Alba had childhood OCD but she got help and now is fine and I kept thinking of how different it could've been for my sister had her symptoms been recognized at an earlier age.

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What Hazel W said.

I also try really hard to separate feelings from behaviors. Because they don't have to be related (as long that's in a healthy way - disconnectedness is bad). So, I'm sorry you are sad. I know you wanted to play longer. But it is not ok to continue to whine and cry. If you continue to whine and cry you will have to go lay on your bed until you are able to act appropriately."

I think 'sorry' sounds like a word that for you indicates responsibility. It actually doesn't always. You can say "I'm sorry you're sad" without taking accountability for what made her sad. If my friend is upset I may say to her "I'm sorry you are going through that" when I'm not even involved in the situation. So, I would remove some of the feelings you have around the connotations of the word sorry.

I always told my daughter (who is now 11 and "emotions" have taken on a COMPLETELY new meaning) that she can feel however she feels about anything. That doesn't mean anything changes. And it doesn't mean she's allowed to behave outside of a set of standards (given a "normal" set of circumstances).

I used the phrase "we fix it if we can, but we always move on" with my daughter alot. I would say that if you suffer from anxiety and depression it's also probably pretty hard for you to move on? and your daughter picks up on that a bit. So, I think I wouldn't necessarily focus on your daughter with this characteristic. I would focus on myself and let her see that by modeling that behavior.

This is a hard process. But some of this is also a typical 4 year old process. Don't hold yourself too accountable for her process. Growing up is kinda hard. You can just be there for them. You can't always make it easier.

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Say to her what you said to us. "I'm sorry you're sad, but you have to clean up your room. Sometimes we have to do things we don't like to do." Bad things do happen and it's ok to feel sad about them for a little while. Keep it simple and honest.

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I just typed a long response and clicked something and it went away, grrr! All kids from the day they are born until well past puberty will try to get the upper hand and be in control. My kids said similar stuff. While she is probably truly feeling hurt you won't spoil her, I would remain very matter-of-fact about it. "I am the mommy and I know what is best for you even when it is not fun, now please do what I asked". Your ambivalence or insecurity is giving her an opening to keep pushing but you have to hold firm and be the adult. About the dwelling on bad things: first of all keep her sheltered, she is too young to be hearing the news. Second of all, give a very child-level answer, something simple, like "we have fire alarms so that will not happen to our house" (even if you know it possibly could but you also know the chance is very low). A friend took her 4 year old for therapy and the doctor advised her to stop treating him like a little adult - she was explaining everything to him because she thought it would teach him since he was so interested, but his 4 year old brain while intelligent could not emotionally handle the weight of the world emotionally. So keep it simple. My daughter at 4 asked how babies get in the belly and I told her "mommy and daddy do the naked hug" and that seemed to satisfy her for a long time. She does not have to hide her feeliings, you can acknowledge that you understand she does not like what you are asking her to do, but she has to do it anyway. And distraction still works great at that age. So you peed in the bed, let's make dolly pee in her little bed and wash the dolly sheets together and you as the dolly mommy can tell her it is allright and all little kids do this sometimes, and now let's bake cookies! Good luck, I know I am making it sound like it is so easy and I know it is not at all, even for someone who never battled depression or low self esteem, but it can be done, even if you have to fake your confident attitude for a while. Good luck.

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I suggest you a) tell her that her feelings are always ok to have and express b) those feelings shouldn't be dwelled on nor always require an apology.

That said, saying you are sorry does not always mean admitting fault but also sometimes just acknowledging/validating the peron's emotions. I suggest you try something like this "Suzy I am sorry you are upset/hurt/angry (whatever feeling she has expressed) but if you had listened/did what you were told then you would not feel that way" or "Suzy, I know you are disappointed and I am sorry but I can't always say yes to everything".

We want our children to express themselves (it's healthy) and feel/show empathy (so we have to model this for them).

1 mom found this helpful

I also like Hazel's response. (Thanks Hazel!)

I am always looking for kid books to relate a lesson to my son and I found one that has helped us called "I Just Don't Like the Sound of No!: My Story About Accepting No for an Answer and Disagreeing the Right Way! by Julia Cook. (I love all her books).

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Wonderful advice from Hazel W. The one thing I have to add is just to continue to acknowledge her feelings. It might take her a long time to process things, but the goal is for her to share that with you (rather than manifesting itself in some other way). If she insists on an apology you can say something like "I can hear that you were upset by xyz. I am so glad that you are telling me. It is hard to do abc (take a nap, etc.) sometimes. It is important to get rest . . ." Yes, you may have to say this every day at nap time, for example, but eventually it will get easier for her to accept. For things that she tends to dwell on, I think a better way to look at this is to think of it as her still dealing with the issue, not dwelling on it. First, try to avoid things like watching the news. She is too young to be able to handle it. For other things like when she peed the bed or was sick, when she brings it up you can tell her that you understand that she still is feeling upset about that. That it was not fun being sick because she couldn't play. I can't emphasize enough that this takes a LONG time. You may have to talk about a specific incident many, many times until she feels better about it. One other thing to remember is to acknowledge her feelings but do not judge them. This is important to remember especially when you do not agree with her feelings. You can't say things like she shouldn't feel a certain way because she does. That is not helping her. You can respond with a simple, "Ok, I am so glad you told me" or "I can hear that you are angry."

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I tell my son "I am sorry that you are upset but you know that even when I say No or correct you I still love you" Or something along those lines while also reinforcing the "rules".

Toddlers learn the guilt trip thing amazingly well. LOL Acknowledge her feelings, reassure her that you love her and correcting her is not about lack or loss of love, but know that this is a phase. Also, don't project your issues (for lack of a better word) onto her. Of course our children are, in a sense, molded from our life lessons and reactions, but they do not necessarily inherit our issues - Goodness, my child would be a blubbering mess if that was so. But they will emulate our reactions when they are young. The key is to observe your reactions to situations and see if you are modeling the behavior she is having. If so, the old adage of "think before your speak" comes in handy so that you can model different behavior for your child to emulate.

As for her getting upset about car accidents, home fires, etc. turn off the news reports when she is around. My son was 5 during 9/11 and I learned an important lesson about news media and toddlers at that time. Even now, I read most of the news online and then share with him stories that I think have social or political import...he really doesn't need to obsess over lost children or work place violence.

He is 15 now, and I have been using these methods since he was a toddler. It works for us still.

Good Luck
Gos Bless
Happy New Year !!

1 mom found this helpful

Just let her know matter-of-fact exactly what you said here about how you can't apologize just because she doesn't like being told what to do etc. Then move on. If she dwells on things, you can talk to her about it then move on from it about cheerier things. Good luck!