Guns

I am from Texas...First off, dont put your kids in a bubble. If you truly want them to be safe, dont "gaurd" them from it. Its all about education. This will not happen in an hour. Its over years. Its CONSTANTLY telling them the "rights" and "wrongs" about fire arms. Let boys be boys...all at the same time, teaching them. If you make a big deal about it, it will only get worse.

EDUCATION is the key.

Mags

P.S. I do not have guns in my house, nor do I allow them. I still educate.

It is difficult not to be judgemental about this kind of play. I have three boys too and just assumed that of course no gun play was a good idea. I highly recommend two books "Who's calling the shots? How to Respond Effectively to Children's Fascination With War Play" and "War Toys and The War Play Dilemna". Both are currently available on Amazon. I think what the experts have to say may surprise you!

J.

I do play therapy with kids of all ages and children will create guns out of anything, sooner or later... their fingers, a pencil, etc. I am extremely opposed to guns, however, at 3.5 he doesn't understand killing or death. What he understands is that the person on the opposite end of the gun REACTS--how cool! I bet now he gets a reaction out of you because you don't like it. It is a position of POWER and CONTROL, not hostility. The teacher saying that they shouldn't play that way in school may be saying that our of "fear du jour" (not without reason) but shows she doesn't necessarily understand that its normal. Your little guy was shown something different and new and latched on to it, esp. as it was shown to him by his cousins. At home if he plays that way, ignore, no reaction, none. At school, its simply a school rule that we don't play that way. End of story. Really no need to go beyond that at this point. Anything else is beyond his understanding.

I do wonder about your husband's reaction to this. I ask, because as his primary male role model, he can lead/shape your son in ways moms are less influential.

Hope that eases your mind just a bit: )

Jen

I have never been a fan of guns, but I married a Marine (whom I love tremendously!) who is a firearms instructor and a gun enthusiast. We have 2 sons, ages 4/1-2 and 3-1/2, and I hear from every mom of boys that 'boys love guns.' Even if you don't let them have guns, they will make guns out of whatever they have on hand (that's what everyone tells me). When we started to have children, I was terrified of having a firearm in the house. I have heard too many horror stories. But I have done some research and I took a 2-day (very intensive) defensive handgun course at a firearms training place called FrontSight. I have learned that it is more dangerous to avoid guns entirely, because they are out there - that is unavoidable. It is better, and much safer, to teach gun safety and to teach a healthy "respect" for guns. Your son is pretty young and mine are still too young to begin this training, but we have begun planting the seeds for it already. And we have set certain parameters for their "gun play." My boys are not obsessive about it. It's mainly something they like to play sometimes when they are outside exploring. Only you can figure out the best way to deal with this issue with your son, but it seems that most people say, if you try to avoid guns entirely, they will become overly focused on them because they are "forbidden."

When I was at FrontSight, one of the instructors there had been a police officer in LA county for many years and shared a lot of stories from his experience. He had wanted to teach some firearms safety at his son's school, at least to the teachers, but the school wouldn't allow it. Later, a child brought a gun to school and was showing it to another kid on the playground. A teacher saw it and quickly took the gun. She removed the magazine and handed the gun to a student while she went to get help. The student was curious and was investigating the gun. I have no idea why she would have handed the gun to a student, but I know enough about guns now that just because you remove the magazine does not mean the gun is "empty." She didn't know to check the chamber. Unfortunately, there was a bullet in the chamber, the student fired it and another child was killed. Yes, it would be better if the gun had never been there, but at least if they had known some basic safety rules about firearms, this never would have happened.

I don't know a way to control what our kids get obsessed with. Hopefully, if you teach your son some basic rules about when he can play guns, he won't be so focused on them all the time. But I think about my 3-1/2 year old. He is obsessed with hippos. It is totally adorable, but I'm not sure what I would do if his obsession was fixed on guns. I don't know if that is your son, but I do know how obstinate my 3-1/2 year old can be! When he has his mind set on something - watch out! I have learned some pretty crafty distraction techniques that help to distract him before a huge battle begins. Anyway, I would hope that if you set some simple rules for your son, that he wouldn't be so focused on them. Good luck!

Squirt guns are meant to be shot at people... for this reason, we do not allow them in our home at this time. I am an NRA member, but I am a realist. Children should be educated about guns, and they should only have supervised exposure to them. For example, I take my 3 year old to Cabela's (outdoors store) and show him the toy cap guns. We practice setting up the stuffed animals (i.e. elk, squirrel), pretend to shoot them, skin them, cook them, and eat them. Only once did he point the gun at something other than a stuffed animal: a mannequin. I confirmed that we never shoot people because we can hurt them. In the 5 or so visits since, he never aimed the cap gun at something other than the stuffed animals. Perhaps you can take this approach as a hands-on way to learn safety and gun use? Plus, it gives him an outlet. He now knows guns exist, he should be taught how/when they are used.

It is untrue that "only policemen have guns," and, well, "guns hurt people" is a controversial statement. Your protective attitudes, however well-intended, may cause your child to be secretive with his curiosity. THAT is more dangerous than a gun.

If you feel that your SIL's home goes against what you are teaching your child, you have the right and responsibility to avoid it. It gives your child a confusing, mixed message when you tell him one thing (no guns) and take him to a place that is quite different.

BTW, I appreciate a previous poster's comments about asking the homeowner about the gun precautions in the home. I know of people who have loaded guns under their beds. My son will not go to these homes for the next 2 decades! Well, until he's an adult, anyway =)

Good luck!

Really little kids really don't have a concept of death. They understand pain. If the concept that you want your kids to understand is that guns can cause pain and death, then you might try to explain death and that getting shot is painful. Ask them if they liked getting hurt. Think of the worst injury they have ever had and make it tens time worse. This takes empathy and I doubt that many 3 1/2 yr old boys have that capacity. Has anyone in your family died recently? Have you ever attended a funeral? Death is not a real concept for kids until about age 7. Also boys need to have an outlet for energy. If they don't rough house (which I know can cause problems, for us a $1000 dental bill), then they need exercise either by running, going to the park, long walks, playing ball with dad or the dog, etc. Make sure they get plenty of exercise. By the way, when our children were 12, two of them became interested in a unique shooting sport, old west reenactment and competition shooting with single shot weapons. One was a girl and she and one brother also did mounted shooting. Another showed no interest. I think guns are probably in the same category as sex. Do you teach abstinence or birth control? There is no clear cut answer either way. Is ignorance better than knowledge? Each family will have to decide for themselves.

I respect your dislike about guns.I do not like guns either,but I do let my boy play with guns,he has them, he builds them,and yet he is a sweetheart, and also knows about,what guns can do to people, or animals.
I truly believe, that almost all boys like to play with pretend guns.
And as longest, they know what they can do and distinguish between pretend and real,it's ok.
They will not go out and rob banks,,,,,,,,
Since your BIL is a cop, I would just make sure, that his gun is put away in a safe place.
I would really let him play with pretend guns, and maybe he will lose interest.............

Hi E., I only read the last couple responses, but sounds like my first thought when I read your email is similar to the others. Here is my 2 cents. I have two boys and they make guns out of whatever they find (air, pinecones, leaves, straws etc). I think it is genetic or something. Anyway, my dad was a cop and also collected guns. I grew up with guns, and I like target shooting to this day. I was target shooting by the time I was 10 and I still love to go to indoor target ranges. My husband is a Marine pilot (proud to say that I can usually shoot better than him on the target range). This is not to say that we encourage violence, shooting or anything like that! Any parent of boys knows they do not need encouragement, it seems to be and inborn trait or something. However, our boys know about guns, airplanes, dogfights etc... and they know they know we have certain rules (i.e. they cannot bring guns to school!!). We actually try and educate them about guns, history lessons if you will. I think my husband enjoys this because of his Marine training. But I firmly believe that if parent try to keep children (girls included!) isolated from something, that item becomes even more interesting when they do find it (and they will find it someplace no matter how hard you try to keep it from them). My advice is to try not to make a big deal about this. Lay down some ground rules (if you are going to make/play guns you need to do it at home, not at school). If you make a big deal out of this he will too. My boys are 5 & 6 they do play guns, but it is not an all consuming activity. They usually are playing with legos, coloring, hunting for animals etc. Yes sometimes the legos become guns and they play "Marines" or have to protect the fort, but soon it's over and they are onto another activity. Don't isolate, educate! The toy isle is filled with guns, swords, fighting this and that, and whenever we are walking down that isle (as we seem to do sooo very often, since they never have enough toys) I can't even imagine tryihng to keep specific items away from our kids. I know that you are not ignorant! Let your son use his creativity and if he makes a gun out of legos or his socks, tell him you admire his creativity and ask him what else he can make? If he and his brother start playing "shoot em up" let them play! At this age nothing lasts a long time. Our boys play "Marines" outside and uusally within a few minutes a snail, lizard, frog or some other creepy crawly has caught their attention. Give it a little time, make your son aware of the rules and then turn him loose so to speak. You don't have any guns at your home so just see what happens if you don't make a big deal. My guess is that he will probably spend a lot less time than you think playing "guns." Good luck and God Bless!

Since your son has been exposed to guns now, it is your job to teach him safety. My husband has guns, kept in a safe, and my kids have play guns. My husband has been very proactive in teaching my kids gun safety. It's the kids who have never been taught who end up having gun accidents. My kids have been taught to never pick up a gun and to get an adult if they find one. They have also been taught some safety rules such as treat every gun like it's loaded, never point at anything you don't intend to shoot, keep your finger off the trigger, and always keep the safety on. They also know that a gun is not a toy and that when someone gets shot, they will be hurt very bad or die. You can't protect them forever and they need to know how to be safe around guns. This doesn't mean that you have to own a gun, but you should educate your children. The gun doesn't fire itself, the person holding it does.

My husband is a Marine. Guns are a part of his job. BUt we don't have any shotguns or rifles in the house. We do allow my son to play with nerf guns and GI Joe, he just turned 9.
If you make something taboo then the children will gravitate towards that very something you don't want them touching. My son is a cub scout and has always been around the bb guns but there is a time and a place for them. He has been taught since he was in diapers about the dangers and safety of guns.
Same thing with knives, fishing equipment, and power tools.
Also if you make ahuge deal out of it being a no no he is more likely to want to experiment more with the banned item.

HI E., You may check out the NRA website for educational information. Our children live in a world where guns are available and both the safety and danger are realities.
I grew up in a house with guns and safety is really important. BTW, my brother (we're both in our 30's) recently told me that one of his childhood friends was always on him to look at my dad's guns. The one time my brother gave in, the boy picked up a gun and pointed it at my brother. This boy came from a home without guns...which doesn't mean anything. But educaiton is the key to firearm safety, along with knowing what the environment is where your kids go to play.
good luck.

Your SIL comment abou being ignorant was uncalled for but she is right about him wanting to play with them more. Please dont think for a minute that your son will never play "guns". He will just learn to hide it from you. You can teach him to play with guns responsibly, ie, dont point at anyones face. Perhaps you can have your BIL teach him about safety instead of telling him he can never play pretend guns. My neighbors 7yr old son is not allowed to play guns but believe me he does all the time.

Oh no . . . I have the same problem. My sister buys her four year old tons of play guns, and she lets him watch all the violent super hero movies! I'm really worried about this exposure to my little guy! He's only nine months, but I'll be really upset if he starts "shooting" things as he gets older. I don't know what to do either . . . I guess it's one day at a time, in this crazy culture of ours! Good luck!!

I can completely relate to your situation, although you sound exactly like my mother. (It was frightening reading your question, because I had flashbacks to my childhood!) :) I was raised in a household that was extremely anti-gun. No toy guns, including squirt guns. If someone gave me one as a gift it was thrown away as soon as they left.

So, of course, I grew up to become a police officer and married a police officer. I now live in a house with multiple guns. And I have a small boy child. Needless to say, we can't go the "guns are flat out bad and only police officers have guns" route with our child. (And the truth is, many many people have guns who are not police officers. And lots of them live law abiding and responsible lives. Not all guns are bad, and not all people who have guns are bad.)

My mother, who is my son's primary caregiver when we are at work, is still completely anti-gun. So, my son who is being taught gun safety and awareness at home is not allowed to play with or pretend to have guns at all at my mother's house. He understands that the house rules at her house are no guns. He still tries to make guns out of everything (legos, Lincoln Logs, a sandwich...), but as he gets older (he's 7) he is becoming more accepting of the rules.

My advice to you is to relax a little bit. You are not ignorant, and you have the right to make your rules as you see fit inside your house. However, your children will be exposed to guns and violence at other people's homes. Explain to your children your views on these issues. Be realistic with them. Pretending that other people won't have those things won't help them at all. And set your house rules. If you choose not to allow guns or gun replicas in your house, so be it. Set consequences for their actions if they break those rules. I'm not advocating that you give in to peer pressure and buy them weapons as toys, but remember that sometimes when you set rules that are extremely different from those of their friends, you end up pushing them towards the things you are trying to steer them away from. Good luck! :)

I also do not like guns. And, never allowed toy guns or gun play in my home. As my son got older and friends got real guns - BB, AirSoft, PaintBall, etc - I said no. We've explained our position and he understands how we feels. But, when he was younger, he too would make guns out of everything, including his toast one morning. I didn't get worked up about it, I just let him continue - it's just imaginative play fun. For the most part, when he was or is at homes with guns, our family and friends know how we feel and try to limit gun play and encourage other things. Just ask your SIL (or whomever) if the kids can play something other than guns out of respect for your wishes. Gun play will still occur, but if you hold your ground in YOUR home, he'll get it. Trust me. At Christmas, my daughter got a gift at an exchange that she knew we would find unacceptable. She went to the adult in charge and told them and they had her trade with another girl. And, she's only 7!!!!! So, trust me, kids are listening!!!!

I can totally relate to your situation. For us, it was the next door neighbor's child who introduced guns to my son, starting at age two. For a couple of years, we always said "check your weapons at the door" in a fun way before he came in to play. We tried to redirect them whenever the play turned to shooting.

As my son has gotten older, I've relaxed a bit. I read something very compelling, in Mothering Magazine of all places, that said something along the lines of the gun play being very natural/genetic/ingrained in boys, and by coming down on that we are in a sense shaming them for being who they are. That really resonated with me, and I stopped saying "no" as often.

My husband and I do not see eye-to-eye on this, he is more anti-gun play than I am, which is fascinating, because I'm sure he played cops-and-robbers as a boy. My son hasn't asked for a gun yet, but he is close to begging for a Nerf gun.

I have found that the most effective response to being "shot at" by my child is to play dead. Totally diffuses the charge of the situation. I just stick my tongue out, roll my head to the side, and stay silent for half a minute, and the shooting effort usually goes away.

We have other friends who allow gun play, but only as part of hunting games. It has to be about an animal, not a person. Doesn't work for my vegetarian husband.

Good luck!!

It's not anyone's place to tell you what you should or shouldn't allow your son to play with. So if this is your family's choice, then here's the best advice i can give you for what you are asking for..

is to NOT make an issue of this. I don't mean ignore it. And just minimize the time u have with the in-laws. What choice do u have,right?

But at 3.5, kids are like sponges. Don't discuss guns..good and bad, do's and don't about it. Just spend time playing 1-on-1 with him with various NEW activities with him..something new that he hasn't tried. With kids, it's all in the novelty and how excited you are about something. You have to be there to play with him..not just introducing and then have him just playing by himself. He won't know the potential of this NEW interest/toy/activity...if you're not showing him all the possibilities that it offers.

Gradually,day by day...get him more interested in which ever activity he becomes more drawn to. Incorporate throughout the day, by toys..drawings, games..pretend play.. videos/movies...based around THAT interest. He will eventually fine a new interest. Kids at thisage are easy to influence. He can't only just like guns (maybe just for now..because it's novel).

My 3.5 year old has always liked things because it was introduced to her by us. Every year, her birthday was a new theme because every six months she got attached to a particular thing. First it was elmo, then princesses, then fancy nancy, and now American girl.

p.s. just want to say that don't make a big deal of NOT DISCUSSING it also. Just be nonchalant about it..and move on to the next topic as quickly as possible.

i have a son, and he's already showing signs of fighting and battles because his dad showed him spiderman, ironman...a bunch of 'other man':)..i don't mind. so to each it's own

I decided to respond because I feel like we are on the same page with this one. We have a 3 year old son and there are no guns (toys or otherwise) of any kind in the house or at his preschool. He also is not allowed to watch anything violent on television. So far, he has not made pretend guns out of anything, although I realize all it takes is one kid with a squirt gun at the playground for this to change. I think if I were you, I would ask my SIL if she could please put the toy guns away when you guys are over. I would just be respectful and let her know that you're not judging her parenting or decisions for her kids and you hope she will afford you the same respect. I think with daddy as a cop, it is only natural that her kids want to emulate him, and that their attitude about guns will be different than yours (and mine). If she is not willing to do that (it sounds like this would mean she'd have to put away ALL the toys, lol), then I would try to do most get-togethers at your place if that's a possibility, at least while your kids are really young and impressionable. If not, I guess the best you can do is talk to your son and let him know that every family is different, and that in your family guns are not toys because they can hurt people.