35 answers

Guilt Only Having One Child??

Hi
I have a wonderful healthy 2.5 year old boy. He loves life, loves kids and people. He loves to go on outings and enjoy life!!
I am very happy with him. I have alot of guilt I am dealing with about not having anymore children. I feel financially and emotionally one child is all i can handle to raise.. I feel i will be a better mommy raising one child compared to multiples. I am an only child myself and my husband is leaving it up to me. I get tired of people making comments i should have at least one more when i am struggling now to provide. Any thoughts?

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So What Happened?™

Thanks for all your input! I am glad to know I am not the only one who has or is going through this rough time.. I think the guilt is something i just have to work through and accept its ok i have one healthy child I am blessed with. I feel as long as I get him involved in sports, church groups, playdates.. he will be fine... and i feel we can provide better for him! My hubby is in on this with me all the way.. so i have support there
i

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I have one child and I am COMPLETELY GUILT FREE!!!!!!!!! Nothing against parents of more than 1, but all my friends that do, are ALL pulling their hair out... NOT ME :) I put all my energy, time, devotion into my 5 year old.... If I get an itch, I borrow one of my son's friends :)

7 moms found this helpful

Why feel guilty about only having as many children as you are capable of raising well? I would feel guilty if I had more children than I couild properly care for.

2 moms found this helpful

It is a personal decision. I always wanted lots of kids of my own. I only have 1 son I gave birth to. I would love to have more children but my body isn't cooperating yet.

Having only 1 child in my opinion is risky business in my opinion. How would you go on knowing there will be no more? It takes more than money to raise children. I personally don't think having children or not should be based only on the money. Personally I find it easier taking care of more children over just the 1.

My personal situation is unique in that my sister had 5 children before I had my first and I was very active in the lives of my neices and nephews. Active meaning buying clothes, picking them up and dropping them off, diapers, food, activities, etc. They were really like my own kids. Then my sister moved out with the kids and my kid was left an only child which he really didn't like and neither did I. It was a rough couple of years. He was the oldest of the two when my step son came to live with us and now he is the middle child because my nephew who is a year older than my son lives with us.

Understand people can and will be rude, they just can't help it but ultimately it is a very personal decision.

2 moms found this helpful

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I have one child and I am COMPLETELY GUILT FREE!!!!!!!!! Nothing against parents of more than 1, but all my friends that do, are ALL pulling their hair out... NOT ME :) I put all my energy, time, devotion into my 5 year old.... If I get an itch, I borrow one of my son's friends :)

7 moms found this helpful

Remember when you were bottle feeding (or breast feeding) and people made you feel guilty because you weren't doing the other?

Remember when you were a SAHM (or working mom, or independently wealthy or work at home) and people made you feel guilty because you had a clingy child/let someone else raise him/ etc etc?

Remember when you were co-sleeping (or training with CIO) and people made you feel guilty because the way THEY handled sleeping was RIGHT and you suck as a mommy and they are way better than you? F 'em. That's what I say.

Remember when you had a boy and people asked if you were sad you didn't have a girl?

Remember when......

Pish Posh.

If you have another and struggle, someone is going to ask you or make comments about they bet you wish you only had one so you could give him more....

People will always judge. Do what's right for your family and tell everyone else to go jump in the lake.
Make the fact that you will NEVER EVER EVER please 100% of everybody work to your favor. It liberates you to be able to do WHATEVER you want and sleep at night.... because not everybody's happy anyway, so at least you and your family are happy.

That's just my $0.02.

PS - for what it's worth.... hubby shouldn't leave this "up to you". This is a decision you make TOGETHER so that when "they" question you, then the two of you lock-step and start the can-can in synchronized time as a team.

7 moms found this helpful

As a mom of an only (planned it that way), I have a few thoughts for you.

You stated yourself that you "feel financially and emotionally one child is all i can handle to raise.. I feel i will be a better mommy raising one child compared to multiples."

Why on earth are you letting other people, be it strangers, family members or others, make you doubt what you know and feel?

YOU are the one providing for, interacting with, parenting and supporting your offspring. Don't let anyone else convince you that what they "think" is "right" make you question your own feelings and decisions.

That's good advice for just about all topics, don't you think?

You'll know IF and WHEN it's time for another--or not.

Have a great day!

7 moms found this helpful

I'm not sure what you're feeling guilty about. The world is not underpopulated. And raising a child ain't cheap. What "good" would you do by spreading your resources more thinly? Yes, kids with siblings get more built-in play experiences, but it's just as responsible (and, honestly, much easier) to reach out to other parents, plan lots of playtime, etc., than to have another child. Relax and enjoy your little boy! You're not doing anything wrong, and you don't owe anybody an explanation.

5 moms found this helpful

People ALWAYS chime in.

Doesn't matter if you have 1 kid or 50.

It just changes what they say.

1 kid = When are you having another/ socialization/ loneliness/ "oweing" it to someone (your kid, yourself, grandparents, cousins, doesn't matter), etc.

2 kids = When are you going to try for ______? (a boy, a girl, whathaveyou)

3 kids or more = Whoa! _______insert lots of comments that are MYOB about your______ : sex life / finances / house size / college plans / ability to understand birth control.

Just remember 98% of the people in the world are stupid. And durn near 100% have no dog in this fight / it's none of their durn business.

5 moms found this helpful

Please do not second-guess your own good instincts! Stick to what you know is right for you and your family. And no matter what some folks try to say about how you just must have a sibling for your child, you and your child and husband ARE a complete family just as you are.

More than one kid is fine but like you, I know that for ME and my husband, one is what we can and are willing to handle.

For the next time you feel any doubt, consider these things:

You will always be able to volunteer as much as you like at your son's preschools, schools, activities, etc. You will not have the pull of having other kids for whom you also feel you must split your volunteering time. Volunteering will be a huge help to you in knowing your son's teachers, friends and academic setting.

You will not have to say this: "Sorry, I know you would like to [fill in the blank: Go to that festival, see that puppet show, visit that museum, go to that event] but we can't because it's not something the baby/toddler/your little sibling can sit through." Your son won't have to miss out on things because those things are "just too much to do with two of you." I've seen plenty of moms I know have to tell the oldest child for years that "we just can't do that" because younger kids basically set the agenda and schedule with naps and short attention spans.

You will be able to give your son full attention if he needs help with homework or needs to talk to you about anything.

You will have far less to worry about as your son approaches college age and you have to think about saving for college.

You will not have to deal with years of sibling fights. Some people insist that children "NEED a sibling so they have a childhood playmate! A lifelong friend!" but that is bunk. Sure, it happens, and it's great when it does. But there is zero guarantee that siblings will get along or will share any interests or will even stay in touch once they grow up. One should never, ever have a child just to provide a playmate for another child. Do not ever give a second's thought to folks who try to tell you that you "owe it to your son" to provide a sibling. You don't. Just read the posts on here about sibling rivalries and youngster's jealousies when the new baby comes. (And you already know that your son is outgoing and enjoys life so it's not like he sits at home moping, "I want a little brother to play with!")

I am not saying any of these things to bash the idea of more than one kid. I know plenty of families with two and three and more great kids and the parents love it. But these are things to tell yourself next time some bone-headed stranger (or a loved one who is just not thinking) tells you that you "need" to have another child.

5 moms found this helpful

I haven't read the other posts, but I just want to say that there are all kinds of people in this world. Those who fuss at others for adding to world overpopulation. Then there are those who will chide you for having only one. Those people will tell you that you will create a selfish kid because you don't provide him or her with siblings. They'll tell you how you should space your kids too.

The ones who cite overpopulation usually have no kids, or only one. The ones who tell you to have lots of kids usually have lots themselves. The truth is, it's NO ONE'S business how many kids you have. The irritating (and sometimes disturbing) thing I see, even here on this site, is someone telling others to have lots of kids when it's obvious that the person they are talking to can't afford it. And then they blister women for working outside the home, not being able to pay their bills, or asking for public assistance. Talking out of both sides of their mouths is just a bunch of hot air and "look at me", and judgment.

No one else will pick up the slack when you have trouble handling it all, whether it's emotional or financial. So don't let people like that rent space in your head. This subject shouldn't be up to an opinion "vote". You should make a clear decision based on your own circumstances and needs. And if you raise your only child right, you can avoid selfishness that people try to warn you about.

Good luck,
D.

4 moms found this helpful

I have one 3 year old boy and I am definitely not planning on having any more. I cannot emotionally handle another child. I think I would feel more guilty having another child because I would be a much more stressed, unpleasant mom. I have 2 younger brothers and although I love them dearly, my parents could not give us individualized attention, so they didnt give any of us individual attention ever, just group attention. Because of this, I never had a good relationship with my parents and even today I feel like they were more like my babysitters than actual parents. I want to do things different. My son get 100% of my attention and I take him with me everywhere. My husband my son and I do things together all the time like going hiking, (which is our favorite thing to do). I also plan on homeschooling, which I dont think i would be able to do if I had another child. Just enjoy your child and tell everyone else that is pressuring you in to another that every family is different. And you have to do what is best for your you and your family.

4 moms found this helpful

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