Guardianship (Wills & Trusts)

Yes, ASK your friends first, you need to know if you need a Plan B and they need to be prepared for the possibilities. And when you ask just make it clear to them that it's ok to say no. After all if they're not up to the job for some reason you'd rather know when you're here, alive and can do something about it.

Write the letter to the brother, but do NOT send it, instead keep it with the will and guardianship stuff that only needs to be opened if something bad DOES happen....

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We skipped over my husband's three brothers and both of our parents and named his best friend and his wife guardians. We discussed our choice with our parents, but not with his brothers. Since we weren't asking them to be guardians, it was none of their business because our decision didn't effect them in any way. It's never necessary to tell someone you didn't pick them for something when they don't even know they were in the running at all. It's like your boss coming up to you and telling you why he didn't promote you when you never interviewed for the new job and didn't know you were being considered. As for who you do choose, simply ask them and let them know that you understand it is a very big thing you are asking and if they aren't comfortable saying yes it's okay. If they do say no, you have to walk the walk then and make sure you don't act differently in the friendship. Good luck!

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Sarah C. had a great response about writing the letter and keeping it with your legal papers. He might not want to be as blunt about not agreeing with parenting styles and not liking the wife, though. You could position your decision around being considerate of the stress and strain of adding 2 more kids to their family suddenly, eg their house/cars may not be big enough, childcare may be an issue, their financial ability to care for and educate your kids if you're gone, etc. There are lots of other reasons you can give. It would be rather hurtful to be dealing with the loss and death of your brother and get a letter stating you're a lousy parent.

If your friends say they don't want to be guardians, it shouldn't cause things to be awkward in the friendship. Whatever reason(s) they give, it will be valid, even if it might seem selfish to you. You want people who have no hesitation in taking in your kids if you're not alive. If your friends don't feel they're up to the task, then accept it and feel glad that you're close enough that they could be honest with you.

It may be very stressful for you now, but at least you came to an agreement on your first choice for guardians!! I don't think you need to tell people or justify your decision about guardianship. Keep in mind that as your kids get older, circumstances may change and you might change your mind. For us, my in-laws are the guardians, but they live out of state. My husband and I know that as his parents get older and if their health changes, we will need to choose another guardian. We also have said that as our children get older, it will be harder to uproot them and have them move out of state. We reassess the guardianship issue every year.

This is tough to do, but be glad you're good to be facing these issues now. Good luck!

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1: Yes, you must ask them! You do not want to pick someone who may be unable or unwilling. If they say no, I don't see why that would effect your friendship, taking on someone else's kids is a big thing, not something everyone is ok with doing, that does not mean they are not good friends.

2: I would not even tell them they were not chosen, unless something does happen to both of you there would be no reason for them ever to know. If he feels he must explain his choice, then have him write the letter, but don't send it, put it with the will so they will have the explanation only if and when something does happen.

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You definately want to ask your friends because you wouldn't want that dumped on them and them not be agreeable to taking on that responsibility if something were to happen to you. By asking now, you are giving yourself the chance to find someone else who is willing to take on the responsibility. Then once you have agreed on someone (like you have now) and they have accepted this role, you need to put it in writing and make it legal. I also think you should make it known to family (who could try to fight this later) who you choice is and address their concerns (why you choose these friends rather than why you didn't choose family). Don't get into why you didn't choose family but rather why these friends were the best choice for your family.

When you ask anyone, you need to tell them that you have an important question to ask them, you hope they say yes because you have really thought long and hard before asking but it is ok to say no. Tell them that you will continue to be their friends regardless of their decision. Then tell them that "In the event that something were to happen to the two of us, we would like for you to become the girls' guardians and raise them for us. Is this something you would be willing and able to do?" I think this would be a good time to also let them know why you selected them. Ask them to not give you an answer until they've had time to discuss it and think about it (unless they are sure their answer is no immediately).

Best of luck.

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HI- We have gone thru all of this recently, similar issue.

1.Yes, you need to ask the neighbors first. If they say no, you just have to take it as no and it should not affect your friendship at all. Some people are ok with it and some aren't. You should allow them to make that decision without reservations. If you let it affect your relationship, then that is not fair on your part. Taking someone else's children is a huge huge responsibility.

2.You have no need to explain to anyone why you have chosen the people you have chosen. We didn't pick any of our siblings for one reason or another. They all love our daughter very much, but we chose someone who was more like us and it happened to be our niece and her husband. I think explaining to them would cause hard feeling and isn't worth the pain it would cause. If they ask, you can simply say we chose not to pick a sibling. There is no need to point out reasons why. That would be hurtful.

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Well first of all if you do decide you want your neighbors you need to talk to them. It is not like you can legally bind someone to take your kids. So you both die and they say no. Then that family you don't want to have your kids would be dealing with what to do with them or they become wards of the court.

So far as those that are not going to be offered custody there is no reason to even discuss it with them. My brother will take custody of my kids and is the guardian of the estate. He knows this and has accepted this. I did not tell my dad, cousins and everyone else I considered that they were not picked. That would be strange. They won't even know there is a will.

Because it is so serious and because it is something that can be declined I would advise you seriously think about your choice in your neighbor. You have already said it would be awkward if they say no which means you have considered they may not want the burden. The second part of that is what if they say yes figuring like most, that you won't die at a time that they would actually be called to take them. Then when you no longer have control your kids become wards of the state. Do you understand how serious this is? I hope your attorney is explaining all of this.

Good luck with everything.

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Definitely ask the friends - if something were to happen to you, that will come as a huge shock for them. Some people are just not willing (or able) to take on that HUGE responsibility. I love my brother and very close friends, but there's not a single one of them that I would say "yes" to - it's jut not something I'd want to take on in addition to my current familial responsibilities. It's nothing personal against them, I'm just not cut out to care for anymore children.

The chances of something happening to you are slim, so I don't see a need to open up that can of worms with the brother. If you feel so inclined, I'd maybe leave a note for the lawyer to give him if something were to happen if you'd like to explain your choice, but I wouldn't do it ahead of time for something that will very likely never come to pass.

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You can put anything in writing that you want about guardianship for your kids, and your entire family can still fight it out in court after your death if they chose. Anyone with a legally defined "interest" in your children has the right to petition the court for custody, no matter what your will says. A judge will then ultimately decide.

The only way to help ensure that your wishes are followed is to talk with everyone involved. Both your friends, who of course need to give approval for the idea of taking on your children, and all your relatives who might think they have a right or responsibility to raise your children. Also, you'll want the people that are most likely to take on the responsibility of your children to also be given some financial consideration in your will.

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Your husband evidently wants to have a blow-out of sorts with his brothers. That's just stupid (sorry). Prepare to be the pariahs of the family if he does this fool thing.

There should be no problem with your friendship with the neighbors if they turn you down. I have to say that if anyone asked ME now that I am in my 50's, if I would accept guardianship of a young child, I would say no. And what would I think of the couple if they didn't want to be friends with me because I was honest? I'd think they were never really friends but wanted to use me for something that may never even happen down the road. And you shouldn't be that kind of friend, K..

Remind your husband that normally, people just don't talk to ANYONE about who is recommended to the court for guardianship in the event of both parents' deaths. Who goes to people and says "I didn't choose you"? No one! If he thinks he is going to change the way these siblings live their lives because he sends this letter, the only thing he will be right about is that they will hate his guts and treat him like garbage for it.

Good luck getting him to straighten up his head!

D.

1) Yes, ask your friends. Nothing is more flattering than asking someone to raise your children if something were to happen to you. There are many tactful ways to decline, while maintaining the friendship. Even if they are not up for it, it will most likely bring you closer to them, because of the compliment it is to be asked.

2) If your husband wants to write a letter, let him write it and tuck it in with the will. No need to send it - hopefully there will be no need for it. However, if something were ever to happen to you two, and your BIL were to try to contest guardianship in court, a clear, rational letter written by the parent(s) outlining the reasons behind your decision would be a huge asset to the judge hearing the case.

Great job in thinking through all of these issues in advance!

Talk to them... and have a back up in case they say "no." And revisit this in a couple of years, when the kids are bit older, because even if they say yes now, 3 or 5 years from now, your kids might have other adult figures that would be a better fit (a mentor they are close to, etc.)

YES ask your friends if they would like to be guardians of your kids because it is a major responsability no matter what. but i wouldnt tell his brother UNLES he asks why you guys chose differently, OR you can do a first choice as your friends and second choice if something happens to them his brother

You have to ask the friends first!
I wouldn't bother writing to the brother either. You are right, it would just be so awkward. Of course, it's your husband's brother so if he feels he HAS to discuss it with him that's his right. So ultimately it's up to your husband.

I think you should sit down with the neighbors and let them know what is on your mind and give them a heads up. Tell them you'd like to sit down in, say a week or maybe two, and talk about what they think of the idea. Then let it go. Call them to set the appointment up and when they come just ease into the discussion.

My husband and I were asked to take on 7 children by the family I was a nanny for. We said yes. Of course nothing happened, the parents never flew on the same plane, hardly ever travels without the kids, etc...it was unlikely they would not be there to raiser their own children.

They explained the financial set up for us if we were ever called on to take them, how they had money set up for their upkeep and well being, a salary...somewhat of one, for us, and basically how things would be budgeted. It was very very touching to be asked.

I think I would leave a note for the family to be read in case it happened. No need to offend everyone while you are still family and living in the same world as them.

Yeah ask. I made my bff for 10 yrs my kids GodMother, assuming that if anything happened she would take my kids and that I would take her kids when she had them if anything happened.. 2 Yrs later I mentioned my life insurance and said, don't worry, you'll get X amount of dollars to raise my kids and she said very plainly.... "I don't want to raise your kids. I'm not even sure if I want to have kids of my own." Yikes. Imagine if I had died never knowing that, and she found herself with my unwanted kids! I'd hate doing that to my kids. Didn't change our friendship. It was never based on the stipulation that she live up to my assumptions. Now on the other hand, if she told me - btw, I dont want you to raise my kids and this is why, I would never forgive her.

We have a similar situation, no siblings that we want as guardians.

We asked our closest friends to be guardians...we told them up front to take some time to really think about it and let us know. We knew it was a huge decision and if they didn't want to it wouldn't hurt our feelings they were our first choice. But we did have a second choice. They agreed and all is well.

We have never told any of our siblings that they ARE or AREN'T going to be named guardians. Just don't ever bring it up with your BIL. Why do they even need to know you didn't choose them?

Oh and you will need a lot of alternate guardians...in our will we had to name four in order of desire...like if the first choice can't then who is next...FOUR alternates!!

We were having a hard time coming up with that many guardians.

Ok, first of all, no one should know you're setting up a will and guardianship. NO, do not allow your husband to write his brother why he wasn't chosen. Seriously? LOL Most people do not know anything because it is a sensitive topic. It is up to you to ask your friends about leaving your kids with them. I can't see your friends saying no because the chances of something happening to both of you is slim to none. Why would they say no? I would just assign someone you trust and write instructions to them. There are always back up people. You need two or three people listed in case one cannot or will not take your children. Also, the back up people can help the original people with things when needed because they'll know they're on the list as trusted people. What if you are with your friends in a car driving to a movie together and you're all lost? You'll want back up people. Do not let the courts decide this. You can also list those you do NOT want raising your children. There are some people we are so against raising our children we'd rather see our kids in foster care than go to them. Pretty sad, I know! But if your friends were to say no if you asked them they would give you a logical reason and I'm sure it would not be "because your kids are brats!" LOL It wouldn't ruin your friendship but I'm sure they would not say no. Ask, don't ask. Doesn't matter. But do NOT let your husband send a letter to his brother or anyone! Period! No one needs to know your wishes. It's all written down and legal. If anyone asks just let them know it's taken care of and that's all that needs to be said. And be sure to write down your wishes with your children, how your insurance money should be spent, why you wish some things and why you do not wish other things. How you'd like your friends to include your families in events with the children but to use their own discretion on other issues.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets