Grumpy Helper

I might be mean, but I don't let my daughter grumble about chores. It's disrespectful and rude. When she gets out there and gets a job, it will not be acceptable to grumble when her boss tells her to get something done. I tell her that she can do it without an attitude or she can be grounded and still have to do it.

Have you tried reward for good attitude (when she simply does the task (extra TV time, dollar store trip, you do one of the chores you've slated for her) and punishment for bad (more chores or harder chores)? Or, if like my house, you pay for chores, refuse to pay her when she gives you attitude.

Either way, whatever you do she would benefit long-run from learning consequences to attitude, and you would have to stick with it and be patient for a month or so to see if it's working.

Good luck mama!

I think it is a personality thing. I have a daughter who is going to be 10 in October and she is a great helper almost never grumbles or complains and only gets cranky if she is really stressed or over tired or not feeling well, then her oldest brother is going to be 15 in December and he is a grumbler, a whiner, a complainer, and excuse maker...what I do is ignore the behavior, I count if I have to, I find there are simply kids who enjoy trying to push our buttons, if they think they can get a rise out of us...they know what works and will do it over and over until it is a bad habit and they don't even realize they are doing it anymore. Sometimes I too have tried humor or reminding him that the sooner he gets xyz done the sooner he can get back to what he wants to do. Lots of luck = )

I think you could ask her take the grumbling to her room. Kids have the right to express themselves, and we have the right to give them appropriate context for it. I also highly suggest Faber and Mazlish's "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen...and How to Listen so Kids Will Talk", which will help you enter into a more productive dialogue with your daughter around any sort of disagreement of opinion.

For what it's worth, you did mention her annoyance at being interrupted--I can totally relate to that. It really helps me to have a bit of lead time so that I can come to a stopping place in what I'm doing and then switch gears and tend to what someone else wants me to do. If you give a request for her to tend to her chores, give her a 20 minute window to do it. If she needs to be reminded, don't talk to her--just a simple note with "dishes" or "trash" handed to her should be fine as a prompt .(even a funny quick sketch of a trash can with stinky waves emanating from it--keeping your sense of humor for your own sake)

Kids need to know that they can have their feelings, and that there's a time for complaining and a time for constructive conversation. The book I recommended has a lot of useful techniques, and helps children feel "heard"--even if they don't get what they want, they feel that they've gotten a fairer shake than they might otherwise. Good luck!

Hi S.,
This is a character issue, which needs to be addressed in a serious manner. We tell our children that they must have a happy countenance at all times. My 4 year old calls it a "smile attitude." They must obey right away, the first time, and with a happy countenance. Otherwise it is not obedience. What form of discipline do you use? This is a discipline issue, so it needs to be treated as one. I would tell her that there is a new sherriff in town, and these are the rules. Then, explain what you see in her and that you are not going to tolerate it anymore. And, most important, follow through. If you do not, you are setting yourself up to be mocked and disregarded by your daughter. This is bad for her and bad for you. Blessings!

I am married and I have a 14 year old and a 11 year old (both girls) and here is our routine.

In our family we have “responsibilities” we don’t have chores. As a family it is our “responsibility” to ensure our home is clean and safe. That means EVERYONE does everything. We prepare meals together, we do dishes together, we clean house together. We do a 10 minute tidy every day – we put on 3 - 4 really fun fast songs, we set the time and we each pick a space to “clean” – cupboards, walls, floors, sweeping, dusting, clean out the fridge – whatever – then we just do it – but only for 10 mins. It is fun, fast and every day we get 40 mins of house work in just 10 mins (I have a family of 4). No more struggling to keep the house clean.

On the 15th of the month the 14 year old receives $200 and the 10 year old gets $100. CASH
10% for FINANCIAL FREEDOM -every month they give me 10% of their income to invest.
10% GIVE -goes to pay me for their sponsored sister (through World Vision)
50% NECESSITIES -25% goes to rent, yes, they both pay rent and 25% is kept in cash for necessities – toothpaste, deodorant, clothing, stuff they “need” – I pay for their food (unless they are going out with a group of friends – that comes from them)
10% EDUCATION -books, school trips etc.
10% for EDUCATION -for example my older daughter was saving for a trip with her Teen Group – she saved $800!
10% PLAY -they can spend it on whatever they want – I can say NOTHING about it.

This teaches them responsibility for their actions and their own money. one day a year ago, my 11 year old came home from “hanging at the mall” with her friend and her mom with a bag of new socks. I gave her a funny look and she said, “mom, they were in the clearance bin, they were only $5. 2 months ago when I bought this same pack it was $9! I am going to put them in my closet for school”

You can purchase a great eBook at http://www.heyyougetreal.com/NewFWords.html that will teach your entire family the New F-Words!

B.
Family Success Coach

Read the book Parenting with Love and Logic, or take the Love and Logic parenting classes. It's all about logical consequences administered with love and empathy and enforcing the few boundaries you set. When my kids (ages 3 and 5) won't put their dishes in the dishwasher or help unload the clean ones when I ask I say, "We all help dirty the dishes and we all need to help clean them. People who help clean the dishes get to eat off of them." And then that's it. Next time we have a snack (make sure it's a tasty one) I kindly -- not sarcastically --say, "Ohh, that's a bummer. People who help clean the dishes get to eat off of them." And just keep repeating it no matter how many times they try to argue or plead and say, "I love you too much to argue about this," if you need something else to say.

Last weekend I was SO tired off the constant attitude just like you were describing in your daughter. I'd repeat a request a ton of times without them obeying. I realized I wasn't following through and, in effect, training them to not obey until the 5th time. So when I asked them to bring me their hampers in the laundry room and they wouldn't I stopped after one request. Then the next day when it was time to get dressed I told them, "Oh, people who help clean the clothes get to wear them. You didn't help the Little Red Hen do laundry, so I'm sorry." I let them wear underwear and that's it. We had plans to go to the children's museum (free museum day), a family bike ride to the park, and we were thinking about inviting family friends over for dinner. But we let them know that since they didn't have clothes on, we couldn't do any of that anymore. About half way through the day I started another load of laundry and my 5-yr-old runs up to me and begs, "Can I help you do the laundry mom? Please? Please?" I almost started laughing at him EAGERLY BEGGING to help do chores. I said, "Of course!" So both kids ran to get hampers, helped sort it, and helped me throw it in the machine. And afterwards they thanked me repeatedly for letting them help, because that meant they got to wear clothes. Total change of attitude once I applied logical consequences in an empathetic -- not punitive -- way.

My son is almost the same age. Getting any allowance or treats in our house is tied to doing chores- but here is the kicker: you must show a GOOD ATTITUDE as well as do the job for it to count. Pout or malinger and you will still have to do the chore, but you won't get paid for it and forget about going to that movie or having video game time, etc.

I used to get the groaning, putting it off, moaning too and I after losing my temper, pulling out my hair, etc. I finally just put my foot down. We had a talk with our son and told him that he is a member of the family and the household, just like we are. EVERYONE in the house has chores to do, and is included in that!

I made him list some of the chores he thought that his stepdad and I do. Then we added everything else he had left off, lol! I had him list the chores HE was asked to do- his list was pretty short compared to ours. I pointed out that chores like feeding the pets were because HE wanted pets and knew that taking care of them was part of the deal.

I asked him if his stepfather whined or complained when it was time to mow the lawn or take the dogs for one last walk late at night- or if he just DID it because it needed doing.

I also offered to trade some chores with him- like doing all the laundry, cleaning the toilets, etc. Compared to his chores, he said no!

You just have to be firm about it- and try not to complain about your own work, lol! We talked about how it is EASY to get into a habit of whining and complaining about things that must get done, but in the end, it just makes it unpleasant for everyone around you and doesn't help you get anything out of it. But the big incentive really does seem to be tying all rewards to 'showing willing' and having a good attitude to help out.

When he does do his chores without being reminded or any complaints, I always try to thank him for it and say " I really appreciate you bringing the garbage cans back to the garage before I got home so I didn't have to do it." I think a little acknowledgment of how everyone works together goes a long way. good luck!

Maybe sit down and explain that while you understand that s/he does want to do the things that are asked, that helping around the house is being part of a family. You can say that you do your jobs, including working, cooking, probably most of the cleaning, laundry, driving the kid(s) to activities, all when you'd much rather be doing X (whatever your hobbies or interests are). Then explain that you (mostly) don't complain, because you do it to help out the family as a group, because you love them, and that you're asking the child to do the same. Tell him/her that by not complaining and just doing it, they will have more energy for the fun stuff. If it's interrupting the kid's activities, sit down and suggest a schedule, and get the kid involved in making it. If s/he gets involved with the scheduling, that may make him/her take more "ownership" of the chores. Maybe even add a reward--if the child can go a week doing all chores without grumbling, then taken him/her out of ice cream (just the 2 of you, for special time together) or something else that is fun but won't break the bank.

When the child does do what you ask, be sure to thank him/her for doing it, even if there's grumpiness. And occasionally, when you're not asking the kid to help out, just acknowledge that it's not always fun to things we don't want, but that you appreciate his/her help even more so, for the fact that it's not "fun" but that he/she does it anyway.

My girls are the same way. Forgive me please for interrupting what you are doing. No. I have really had to get on them lately. My son is more open to doing things, but my girls...not so much (not at all lately). They have chores and they are supposed to be done by the time I get home from work. I cannot tell you how often lately they will say they did them and I get home, not done. One girl has the living room and the other has the kitchen. They don't "see why the floor has to be swept again before bedtime since it was swept before". I have gone so far as to pull them into their assigned room, put the broom in their hand and tell them to get to it. NOW. I am going to have to think this is an age thing and I hope it is over very soon. I try to stay very calm about it. I will say that my girls have had consequences for not doing chores, lying about them or giving me the attitude. They have lost time with friends, time cut short (depending on what it was) or lost a chance to go do something fun.
BTW, I am going to do manner boot camps because I am pretty much fed up with the attitude lately. I warned them about it last night--and it won't be fun. I figure it should be very interesting.

My kids get more chores when they do this. Or less money if I'm paying them. My kids just turned 6 and 8 and have been helping me weed the garden this year and I'll pay them a dollar or two depending on how much we do that day. When they groan or moan or complain, their pay gets reduced. I tell them it's because of their work attitude and just like in the real world at a real job, your attitude matters. No one wants to employee or work with someone who complains about everything that they have to do. If it's something that they are not getting paid to do like cleaning their rooms and they complain then I add on something else like "ok, when you're done cleaning your room you can come downstairs and wipe off the kitchen counters too" or "what'd you say? You want to clean the kitchen too, OK" . I also try to make sure that I don't complain too much about what I have to do. No, I don't like cleaning the bathroom, but I am lucky that I have a bathroom to clean, some people don't. If my kids don't want to pick up there toys, then I tell them fine I will and then I'll take them to someone who values their things because they have nothing - then they pick them up pretty quick. Instead of saying that I "have to" do something I try to say that I "get to". I "get to" go to the grocery store to buy more food. I "get to" wash our clothes so that we have clean things to wear. I "get to" vacuum the floors because we are lucky enough to own a home and have the ability to keep it clean and I have a nice vacuum cleaner. She is old enough to see and be taught how lucky she is to have what she has and to be thankful. Once you can turn her view into one of thankfullness, then she won't complain anymore. Let her watch some Nat Geo shows where people sleep on dirt floors and are lucky to have a cup of rice to eat while they walk barefoot on trash covered roads.........

You know what works like a charm? Next time SHE wants YOU to do something, give her some of her own medicine...my son went thru all the pouts and noises and "I don't want to's". So we did the same thing to him. He'd say, mom, I want to go swimming, and I'd say, just like he would, I don't want to. You get the picture. A few times of her not getting what she wants from you then you sit her down and say, thats how I feel when YOU talk to ME like that. I don't like it, it's disrespectful and I will NOT have it any longer. Next time you do it, you will lose X or X will happen. And make sure you stick to it. Good luck!

I have had to take things away from our daughter because she will say she will do it, but then doesn't do it at all. The other day she watched tv and put off her chores, then when she wanted to go out with friends the answer was no, because she hadn't done her stuff. Make there be consequences and then maybe the groaning will stop.

You have a lot of good ideas already.

I told the ones of mine that acted this way, "Is this what you want me to tell you when you ask me for something or to take you somewhere?" They always say, "No dad". But if they did repeat it too often, then I'd give them the same responce they gave me. "Dad, I need a ride to . . . " "growl or groan" When I had to do that they always objected. Then I'd remind them that that was how they responded to me. It got better.

But if you think that is bad, wait until they are teenagers . . . Its better to correct that kind of behavior now. Don't wait until they get older and that behavior is a ingrained bad habit.

Good luck to you and yours.

Ha! I totally know what you mean, that drives me crazy! Love and Logic has a great system- come up with your own sound effect. they suggest, 'I know'. It works for me, when I can remember to use it! they growl, you say 'I know'. They say 'what?' You repeat 'I know' it usually ends up that my kids start to yell things and I keep responding (like a mantra) 'I know' and they get really mad saying 'that doesn't even make sense' and by now I'm saying 'I know' again yet grinning inside. Sometimes I forget my Love and Logic and when they growl, I'll say 'what did you say?' (kindly, like i'm really interested) or 'sorry, I didn't hear you'....this sometimes gives them time to realize what they just said and most of the time they'll say 'oh nothing' or sometimes they'll come back with 'i said i don't want take the trash out' that's when Love and Logic comes back in with my mantra, 'I know'. Just make sure your 'I knows' are empathetic....whew! good luck!

My parents had a saying after each command to do some chore or whatever: "And SMILE ABOUT IT!" It became a joke, but it really was disciplined at first which made us realize that the attitude was every bit as "not allowed" as refusing to do the task. Dont' allow it. Enforce. There's a great chapter on this in a great book by a grandma check it out here:
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com