Grown Children

What do you mean exactly by "no time" for you? Do you mean, they don't come to visit you but once a month or something? Or do you mean that you call them up and suggest things to do together (like meet for dinner, or shop for something, or see a movie, or have a picnic) and they are always busy and can't do it...

Many young adults need a "reason" to get together with people... find a good reason. Not a guilt trip (not-- I need to go to the Dr and want someone to come with me), but an actual activity that you are looking forward to and are inviting them to share in. See the difference?

I don't know if you are already doing that or not. You didn't give much info about what exactly you do, only that you don't see them as much as they see their significant others' family.

Regardless of what you think of Dr. Laura, she had a few words of wisdom. One thing she always used to say was "a mother's role is to be left." (Or something to that effect, I'm paraphrasing). And that is the truth. Your kids become your whole world, for so long, and then all of a sudden they are gone, and they move on with their own lives. It can be quite a shock.

Like Sue said, it is really critical to live your own life. They are now grown individuals, and the relationship will never be what it once was, when you were their everything. Remember that the twenties are usually a decade of self-exploration, apart from one's parents, but once your kids have children of their own, you will probably see them a lot more.

(And then you can be a grandma!!) :)

I think the closeness with our children, or how it's shown, can change as they grow up and live their own lives with their own families. I have a 30 year-old son and a 27 year-old daughter, both married and with babies. We don't see each other as often, but when we do, I still feel the same closeness with them.

There seems to be something else going on, based on your post. They seem to be spending more time with their significant others' parents, than they are with you? Do they live close enough to easily get together? Do you typically invite them to be with you, or do you wait until they suggest it? Have you invited your soon to be son- or daughter-in-law to get together with you alone for coffee or lunch to get to know them better?

I don't know from your post what you've tried, or how often is "limited time", but, any relationship is two-sided and takes effort from both parties.

I think it's also important to live my own life, one that is full and interesting and rewarding for me. This also, I think, makes me a more interesting person and someone my adult children and their spouses are more likely want to be around. I don't want their visits out of obligation. I want my life to be as "busy" as theirs.

In my experience, I drifted away from my (also) widowed mother for a time, than our relationship got better after a few years. It sounds like your children are just in the busy part of their lives in which they are figuring things out.

It is natural to drift apart, but you are sensing that they choose to spend more time with their "new" families as they get to know them. You have to put yourself out there and invite them over and do outings with them too, try and maybe establish some new things together. Maybe, just doing simple little things, text messaging, chatting over facebook... those types of things, even though small, can really help a relationship.

I think when children are grown and gone, it can be hard to be alone. If you didn't cultivate any hobbies as they grew up, do so now. Do something for yourself. Also, talk to them. "DD, I'd like to get to know my future son in law better. Could you and he come for a visit sometime?" Maybe offer to make dinner for them, so you can chat while you eat.

FWIW, even when my SS is here, he's not hanging out with me and DD. He's in his room, he's working on his job hunt, he's out with friends. The other day he said he was going to PA to visit his GF and might visit her relatives in Missouri. He'll be back sometime mid-December and I haven't heard a peep out of him since the day he left.

SD is more naturally a keep in touch kind of kid. We see her more and she is more involved with the household. But even she gets busy sometimes. Frankly, I can't remember the last time I saw one of my friends who lives 45 mins away. I don't see my mom but once every few months, but I love her dearly. It's just hard to schedule the 4 hr round trip, on both sides.

But if you're feeling a little lost in the shuffle, don't focus on "other parents". Focus on you and yours. Talk to them. Don't guilt them. Just see where you and they can meet for more family time.

I don't know if I have any answers, but I would like to give my perspective.

Your kids sound like they are still fairly young adults. They are busy finding their way and building their lives. My husband and I did that too. We were so wrapped up in each other, and our jobs, and learning to live on our own, exploring, wanting to be independent, etc.....and we thought our parents would "always" be there. There is a separation that needs to occur in young adulthood.

Unfortunately, we were mistaken in thinming they would always be around, there would always be more time...

my mother passed away when I was 27...just before I became a mother myself. It wasn't until I became a mother myself that I really realized how much I still wanted and needed my own mom. I felt I had a new understanding of/for my parents and everything they experienced.

A year later, my father-in-law passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My MIL, whose children and husband were HER LIFE, became severely depressed and withdrawn. She lasted only 4.5 yrs before choising to end her own life. She was in an immense amount of pain, and no one realized quite how severe it was until it was too late. So, by age 33, I only have one living parent. My children, 1 and 5 at the time, have only one biological grandparent still alive. We NEVER thought it would be like this. Never.

The point is this...cultivate your own interests, find things you enjoy, spend time with friends and family you love, take care of yourself, finally realize its ME TIME after spending so much energy and time on others. Your children will find their way. They will build their lives. They will come back. They still love you. Don't turn your back on them. Continue to be there for them, just realize their needs are different now. Be proactive and positive and happy about the time you spend together...no matter the amount. If visits are happy and positive and loving, they will come back more often than if they are sad/mad/jealous/negative. And someday, they will realize how much you gave to them. How much you did for them. How much you gave up for them. And they will want to talk more, and visit more, and bring their kids to see grandma.

This is yet another phase, Mama. Perhaps one of the hardest...

Ouch, yes, dealing with a similar thing. My son, once attached to my knee, never wanting to go away from me, married, to a girl he met while in the service, moved away, to a far away place and I am in agony. He never calls, I see pictures of him with his inlaw family on Facebook, he forgot my birthday (TEARS,) and he never communicates in other ways. It hurts. I gave my whole life to him. If it's the norm I'd like to know why. I thought if you gave them love, security and everything else that one day it would come back to you.
NOW I don't understand this. I have my other son here, for that I am grateful, but I do not understand how this happened. truly. If I call he is too busy, if I text he responds some time later. So it has gotten where I don't know what to do. Well, that's it for now.
Not sure at this very moment what else to say other than here is a big hug.

Just reading your posts I have to wonder if maybe your pulling back to much not to intrude on their lives. The kids may think you want the distance and need a little solitude. Tell them how you feel. Invite them over often. It's probably awkward with your son's girlfriend becuase you don't know her. Get to know her! I may be wrong but I think you are uncomfortable that your husband has passed. I can imagine how lonely you feel going from a full house to being on your own - it's not easy. But the great news is ... you are still a real family. Heck, I'm mid 40's and most of my friends parents are not together for various reasons. Unfortunately that's the norm of American families these days. I'm sure your daughter is still trying to impress her future husbands family and once they settle into marriage and especially once she has kids - you won't be able to get rid of them:) Financially - not many are in a good place any more. It's not money your kids will need from you .. it's love and support and being there when they do really need someone. My mother lives alone and she is more than an hour away from us and 4 hours from my sister. I invite my mother to do stuff with me and my 4yo all the time and she always has an excuse why she can't. But if someone asked her .... she would say we never see her. So please don't feel bad about being a single woman with little means .... your a mother and the head of your family now. Stay connected or at least try. Remember all the precious moments you had with your kids and think of the great fun you will have with your future grandchildren. I wish you the best!!

What you have bumped into is the new norm. You have to realize that your job was to raise responsble adults that left the nest. What may have happened when your husband died is that you leaned on them and that changed their way of thinking.

Do get some hobbies so that you are not alone and possibly meet someone to spend some time with you that is an adult of your own age.

I, too, feel like this somedays with my son who is married. You just have to learn to let them live their own lives. They know that you are alive and well and will always be there if needed. Right now they are thinking all about them and their world. Don't feed them guilt trips and that will push them away.

Yes, it hurts but so does life. We just have to do what we can to soften the bumps.

the other S.