Grandparents Not Involved, Need Advice Asap!

A.-
I'm saddened to hear this, but am currently experiencing something similar with my mother. I have just told my son (11) that his grandmother loves him in her own way and he'll just have to learn to accept her as she is. I wish for your kids and mine, things were different. It is hard, because I know my son sees other kids go on trips, play games, go out to dinner, have them come to games/performances. My son once said to me, "So, is that how regular grandparents are?" when he was at a friends grandparents house. We live with my mother and I had to work today. My son had his final little league picnic, my mother dropped him at the picnic, but refused to stay, despite being asked by my son and the other parents to please stay. He was the only kid there without someone to cheer when he got his trophy. ='( It sucks gigantor, green weenies, but you can't change them. My advice, make sure the grandparents are invited to every event, but don't tell the kids. If there is another set of g'parents that are more involved make sure they have tons of opportunities with them. Surround your kids with other folks who will love them and move on. It sounds like you've tried your best, but your parents are self-centered. I have found that my 76 yo mother is more like a 14 yo girl than an adult.
My best to you and your family,
S.

7 moms found this helpful

Hi A.,
I know what you are going through. My parents live 1500 miles away and my in-laws 10 miles and my parents see my kids more! My in-laws have upset me in the same ways your parents have. They see my kids on birthdays and holidays. I used to call all the time to try and get together but they either didn't answer the phone or would cancel if we actually made a plan. It made me really sad at the time. So what did I do? I finally realized that I cannot change them and just stopped calling and making plans. It may not have been the right thing to do, but at least I did not have to get hurt and upset every time it happened. It's really their loss. They have 2 wonderful grandchildren that they do not know at all. It's really sad. All I can do is vow not to do that to my children/grandchildren. My son, who is now 5, asked me the other day if he would still see me when he got older. It took me a minute to figure it out but I asked him if he meant how Mom and Dad didn't see their parents, and he said yes. He's starting to figure it all out. I told him I would always be around. My husband still goes through the hurt from time to time. His birthday is this week and his Mom called to say Happy Birthday. She never even asked about the kids, never does. He was really upset about it. Just take a step back for awhile and get together with people who want to see you and the kids. Let your parents come to you, but be prepared for the fact that they may not call to make plans. It stinks, but you are not alone.

5 moms found this helpful

I hear how deeply disappointed you feel about your parents, A.. Your ideal picture of what they would mean to your children is not being supported by their lack of response.

I'd like to say, from a grandparent's point of view, that life can look surprisingly different from an aging mind and body. I was worried when my only daughter was pregnant with my only grandson that I wouldn't be able to connect with another baby. Fortunately, I did fall in love with him and now spend almost every Friday totally devoted to him. But it didnt' have to be that way – I remember thinking with exhaustion when my DD announced her pregnancy, "Oh. Now they'll want me to babysit." And my feeling was panic, tinged by sheer, flat exhaustion.

I know quite a number of older women who feel a real need to devote whatever time and energy they have left to dreams that were postponed, or to deal with health issues, or are simply too tired to be involved with high-energy little people. We really don't have the stamina or emotional energy we once had, movement may be uncomfortable, and we certainly don't have the level of female hormones that once supported our connection with babies or young children. Some of us even come to fear that we won't have any idea how to relate.

I hope you'll understand that I'm not condoning the making and breaking of promises. But I wonder if you could have a conversation with your parents about their limitations, reservations, and possible fears about what a visit might demand of them. There may be some issue that you can address that would give your kids another set of grandparents to at least know.

If they never do become the grandparents they promised, your kids won't be injured by that unless you bequeath the sadness you feel to them. Then they will probably hurt, too. I hope you won't do that to them. Let your parents be those distant relatives that almost everybody has. I hope you will invest yourself in the positive possibilities that are open to you, and let go of the expectation that your parents should be something they are obviously not prepared to be.

5 moms found this helpful

I know its harsh.... but you have to NOT expect anything from them.
Go on with your life.... don't plan things around them... and don't feel you have to explain anything to your Kids or make excuses for them.

I am so sorry... but this is toxic.... and it will only negatively affect your own family if you let it.

I have in-laws... that will NEVER EVER take a trip to visit us... nor did they come to our wedding, nor have they/that Grandmother ever come to see my kids. EVER. They never even try.

all the best,
Susan

5 moms found this helpful

I never called my parents to tell them I was coming with the kids. I just showed up! If they were home, great! If not, we came back another day. When my dad was sick she told me not to come over with the kids because she did not think it was good for my dad. I did NOT listen and still bought my kids over all the time. He loved it and so did she when she saw them. I never left them to babysit nor did we stay to long. I just wanted to let my kids see them. I always showed up with something to nibble on and drinks for the kids. Maybe if you just show up with a yummy dish she will know that you just want to see them. Dont stay all day, maybe an hour or so and leave. Make it fun, light and easy on everyone. I know young children can make them uneasy sometimes. What do you have to lose??

5 moms found this helpful

Are your husband's parents involved? IF they are then invite them and do things with them. As for your mom, it's her loss. Let her know what you are doing with your life and move on.
And it doesnt hurt the children if you aren't brooding on it. Just say , No Grandma can't make it to this function. Invite your inlaws and go.
And don't give her the chance to cancel on you halfway there. She can come to you to see the kids, or you show up unannounced.

4 moms found this helpful

You cannot change your parents. Accept that this is the way they are. You can change your reaction to what they are doing. Work on not taking it personally. Once you're able to talk with your mother without feeling hurt or the need to express your hurt, try talking with her again and ask her if there is a way that you could arrange time for your boys to visit with them that would be more comfortable or easier for them. Tell her that you'd really like for this to happen but it's OK if it doesn't.

Tell your boys that this is just the way Grandma/pa are; that you'd like to seem them more but it just isn't working out that way right now. Remind yourself and them that their grandparents love them even tho they don't see them very often.

There are many reasons, other than not wanting to see you or their grandchildren, for them to act this way. Have you tried asking your mother why this is happening? You'll need to ask in a non-judgmental, calm, non-accusatory, manner to get an honest answer. If your mother is usually a closed person, not sharing her feelings with you, she may not be able to tell you why. And if you've expressed your hurt in an angry way she may be feeling defensive and not wanting to talk about it. If you've been angry with her she may have decided to be uninvolved. Your anger is understandable but many people don't know how to handle anger or dissension.

You didn't tell us their ages, the status of their health, whether or not they're employed, how active their social lives are or how far away they live from you. All of those things can influence how much time they spend with you. It's also important to take into consideration how close you were before the boys came along, whether or not they enjoy children, especially children the ages of your boys.

Yes, it would be great if your parent were more involved with your boys. However, you cannot make that happen by insisting that they get involved. I'd try stepping back and not even ask to go over or invite them to your house. I would continue to make friendly phone calls and send e-mails if they write e-mails. You could send pictures. But just stop trying to make them change. You might be surprised that without you insisting and with you showing your love and acceptance of them as they are that they may decide on their own to get more involved.

Do you visit with your parents without your children being involved. I discovered that my mother was jealous of my daughter and then my granddaughter and the amount of attention I paid them which required that I pay less attention to her. She died a few years back and every once in awhile I wish I'd found a way to spend more one on one time with her. We were close before I got my daughter. Not so close after that. Not only because of jealousy but also because of failing health.

3 moms found this helpful

This is a quote from Dr. Laura Schlessinger: "Don't go to a porcupine if you want a hug." People view grandparenting differently than others. Your mom is not the involved type. Mine isn't either. My kids still love her but they are closer to other people. They enjoy what they have and don't long for what they don't because we never talk about it or dwell on it. It doesn't have to hurt so much if you let it be what it is.

3 moms found this helpful

you can't "make' it happen...either they want to be involved or not. My kids have a non-existent grandparents on one side...and a grandpa on the other that pops in and out, promising them things and not following through...

So you are not alone in the lack of grandparents...i have found friends and sitters for when I need a break or outing .

I am sorry she is that way...but just don't make plans with her...she might come around and she might not...

HUGS!!

3 moms found this helpful

my mom only does things for my daughter because my dad loves kids and also, because she hears that other people do it. My aunt talks about how she goes to garage sales and picks up things for my dd, and my sister and brother's boys, and all of a sudden, my mom is calling for sizes so she can get stuff too and not look like she's less involved than her sister. My daughter turned 3 in January and she got her first birthday present from my mom in her life in April. I would just stop trying to make plans and let them come to you. It's them that's missing out and if they dont want to make the effort, dont bother.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi -
I think you'll find more people in this situation than you thought. My kids have just learned to take what you get, and just accept their grandmother the way she is, because there is no way to change her. I've had the same talk with my mother - the one about how they won't be this little for long - but, alas....it's like Sandy said, she acts more like a 14 year-old than a 74 year-old.
My husbands mother isn't even in our lives, and hasn't been for about 7 years or so. She is so hateful and divisive that we made the decision that she just doesn't exist. It wasn't good before that time, and we've had battles since before the kids were born, so it hasn't been much of a loss.
But my parents have no other grandchildren but mine. When my first daughter was born - she was terrific! She kept her overnight every week and was totally involved. Four years later, my son was born and it was like...just not quite the same. My daughter still spent the night, but not him. Then a year and 2 days later, my youngest daughter was born and it was the same thing. The oldest has always: had the most attention, gotten more and better presents, gone on trips with them, etc. But I've had to explain to the younger two that this is just the way it is, and there's nothing I can do about it.

It hurt their feelings some for a while, and they would occasionally complain about it. But now that they are 19, 16 and 15 - they just resign themselves to it. They know she won't be around forever. We just joke about it. I find that I, myself get more upset about it than everybody else does. My husband just points out that she's never changed. I guess I always had hoped that she would, and always let myself feel disappointed with her behavior. It's been kind of a crummy situation for my oldest - it's not her fault that she's clearly the favorite. My husband and I have always made it a point of not making her feel guilty. And don't think I haven't mentioned it to my mother (and father) - not that it did any good.
And a note to Sandy:
How absolutely selfish of your mother to leave your son alone at his award picnic. I just think to myself that my mother is missing more, not knowing my younger two kids than they are, not knowing her.

3 moms found this helpful

This may seem childish but I would ignore them. Don't go out of your way. If they don't care it stinks but they don't care. If they get a light bulb moment and say they have missed out on something let them know that life goes on with or without them. You would rather have it with them but if they choose to not be involved what can you do?

My in laws are like this. They always cancel "sick." My MIL one day said it had been so long since she had seen the kids. I let her know she had opportunities and let them pass her by. So not MY fault. I get too angry when I think about it so I HAVE to let it go. Funny cause if they show up to the birthday party my kids run and scream to my parents giving them bear hugs and hide behind me to say hi to them. WELL THEY KNOW MY PARENTS BETTER CUZ MY PARENTS THINK THEY ARE COOL AND THEY HANG OUT WITH THEM. Wish it could be better but it just won't happen.

I thought it had to do with me, but now my neice just turned 1. They were and hour late to her bday party, stayed and hour and then took off. No one knew they left. What can ya do? Nothing.

2 moms found this helpful

It's weired and wrong, but more normal than not. Life goes on. What can we do? My grandson just met his grandparents on my husbands side recently for the first time. I can't get away to go visit them. I don't have the time or the money and I work 7 days per week. They are the ones that are retired. So I don't worry over it. If they wanted more, they know how to find us.

2 moms found this helpful

My in laws have done the same thing since my son oldest was one year old. He is now 10 1/2yrs. It really hurt my feelings I tried to visit so many different ways. The majority of the time my MIL would call that morning or the night before and cancel. Then she would tell my husband she never sees her grandchildren ( we have 3 kids) They live one hour away. She also told me on more than one occasion not to stop by without telling her. So I was at a loss what to do.
My in laws are also much older then my parents. Every single time I offered to bring dinner so it was not to much work. Anyhow my parents are 65 yrs and they are the grandparents that my children really know.
Recently I started visiting unannounced my MIL has bone cancer and now its in her spine and skull. My father in law loves these type of visits so much more since he is not stressed cleaning up. My mother still tried to get me to promise to call first when I am visiting. If I did call first then we would not be visiting. I want her and my FIL and my kids to see each other a lot before she dies.
I wish they would of been more important people in my kids lives but that was their choice not mine. They love my kids at their level.
Maybe your mom thinks you want you to watch the kids on a regular basis? Maybe they are having some health problems? We have a family friend who was a very great mom when she was raising her children but when her son whom she was very close to had his first child she moved 6 hrs away and never visits? She made it clear that she doesn't want to see her grandchildren?? Why would someone do that? Feel better I understand your saddness it was my saddness.

2 moms found this helpful

i don't think there is anything you can or should do. it is their choice, with which they have to live.
my kids barely see any sets of grandparents. one caused by distance the other set caused by unwillingness to see them. we have explained to our children that some people just shouldn't be parents or grandparents and that we will always be there for them and their children one day.
if the situation with my inlaws has taught me anything is that i will be the best grandma. their mistakes have taught me a life-long lesson. i don't try to change anything. it is their choice.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I would love to be involved in our grandchildren's lives and were before March of this year. In that month, my father, for whom I am primary caregiver began requiring more attention due to health issues. We were unable to muster strength for a then 4 year old grandson and his then 2 year old sister. I was involved in a weekly bible study at that time and the kids attended age appropriate classes that they told me that they liked but told their parents were boring. We took them to church and the classes there and that became boring to them. It was all the extra time we had with Dad's health problems and all the care that involved. We are being punished by my son and his wife for failing to take two extra 8 hour days per week to spend time with our grandkids so they could save on childcare and we could have quality time with the children. I, also, think they over reacted.

1 mom found this helpful

This has happened to me with some family members as well. I finally resolved that I had to just let them go. I don't try anymore to schedule stuff with them at all. My FIL didn't see my first son until he was 6 months old. At first this hurt me alot. My grandfather passed before I was born and my dad is out of the picture so I was really excited about my children having a grandpa. But he just doesn't involve himself. My oldest is now three and my little one is five months and he just met the little one a few weeks back bc we went over there and he happened to be home. But I will say that my oldest adores his grandpa. It is amazing, he always asks about him and is excited to see him. If he ever asks as he gets older why he doesn't see him much, I will just say that grandpa is really busy and sees him when he can and leave it at that. This has also happened to me with some cousins. Our boys are virtually the same age and I was really happy that we could have our kids grow up together, but they decided they didn't care about that. So I just stopped inviting them to things, especially since they always said no or canceled. I made the mistake of inviting them to something recently and they canceled the day of, because I called to see where they were, had I not called I seriously doubt they would have, they would have just not shown up. So, you know what, life is too short. I let them go there way and I go mine. If any of them ever need anything, we are here, I am not bitter but I don't put myself out there for them anymore. I am going to focus on the people in my life that want to be in it. Anyway, that is how I handle it. If I was in your shoes I would probably just love my parents and if they ever wanted to see the kids, I would definitely make it happen but I wouldn't pursue them bc I would feel that they made it clear that they want to have a limited role in my kids life. I am sorry, it's hard and I wish you all the best!!

1 mom found this helpful

Wow this is something that more people experience than not. I would say omit your expectations and don't think twice about it and don't express your anger or sadness regarding it to your children because they will then feel as you do. In my situation, I am the oldest daughter who had my first child 3 and a half years after my younger sister had her son. My mom broke her neck, back and every other bone to help my sister to raise her son even to this day. Yeah my sister was in college and much younger and less stable than I was when I had my son but the fact remains my mom did and does more for my sister's son than she does mine. At times it bothered me at first, when I would make plans for her to see him and it wouldn't go through, I started putting it all together and realized what was happening. I just made up my mind that if she chooses to not be there and build a relationship with her other grandson I'm not going to force it. She will know and fill it as he grows up and doesn't relate to her and treat her as a grandchild should treat a grandmother. My husbands parents are deceased and my father is also a non-participating grandparent. I don't pay him any attention either. Life is too short and I choose to cherish the moments that I share with my child.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree that people look at grandparenting differently. When my husband's granddaughter was born, we saw her regularly for the first two years of her life. (Oh, let me say that my husband and I were newlyweds.) While I was not working and was caring for my dying aunt (in my newlywed home), I kept the baby some days, to help her mother out. When things got down to the wire and after my aunt died, I needed a break from taking the baby on for weekends at a time.

Meanwhile, we moved into a house that was not furnished and did not have space set up for the baby to sleep; and she was getting too old to be sleeping in the bed with us. (Also, we moved further away from everything and everybody, so a good night's sleep was more important, which was impossible with her in bed with us.) It just seemed like everything worked together for us not to be able to have her with us for the weekends during that time. While all this was happening, her maternal grandparents kept her all the time, traveling with her, etc. We weren't prepared to be that involved because we are not her parents and because we have a life of our own, one that does not revolve around other people's children. The child's mother was offended and hurt and stopped inviting us to share in special occasions and stopped sending us pictures. My husband talked with her, but she was not receptive. Her expectations were that we would take on her daughter like her family did. (They took her out of town without her mother for more than a week when she was less than one month old.) That wasn't what we expected.

My case seems a bit extreme. There could be a number of reasons that your parents make the choices that they make. I'm sure that it hurts, but teach your kids to avoid assigning their expectations to others. Let them spend time with the people who want to spend time with them. Sometimes it's the timing that's off. I know people who won't go around babies until they have reached a certain age, even grandparents. If your parents ever do become ready to hang a little bit, don't keep them from it.

There are several things that you did not say, are you married, are the children mixed, how old are they do they behave, do your parents live in a area where children are allowed, and last--are healthy enough to deal with children and all that goes with dealing with small children? One or more of these may be the reason, some parents are still getting over they way they were raised--however to me children are children and to be loved on and hugged and kissed on the neck and spoiled rotten and then given back to mom. Move on they will find out that they are missing things and it will be to late, There are friends that you have I am sure that have older family that would love to have children to be with, as the children get older and they will, just explain that their grandparents just could not be around alot of noise and excitement hopefully they will change their minds. Good luck.
One thing that you can know is that any family in the service also deals with this in one way on another just because of the distance and may only see grandparents every year or two.

All you can really do is accept it. It may also change as the kids get older. My son does miss out on extended family. We can not go home often, and they can not come out here often. It is just the way it is. Although now my son is older he can have phone converstions and the grandparents enjoy that more.
Don't guilt them. It is thier choice even if a sucky one. Best thing I ever did with my moms and my relantionship is just accept her for who she is with no more past anger or resentment. I have learned to create helthy boundaries for me and my family that are not demeaning to her. That was a bit tricky at first, since I was still angry and hurt. But once I started loving her just because she is my mom, life got much better for me.

Good luck, it does hurt. But what can you do.

A., you are not alone with your situation. It took me 8 yrs to accept the fact that my children will not have a lot of memories with their grandparents.
Unfortunately my father past away but even when he was alive he was not very involved. I kind of excuse my father because he had cancer to deal with. My in laws are only 2 hrs away and my FIL only buys gifts for my son not my daughter. How can I explain my FIL's behavior to my 8 yr old? The only way I see all this is, It's their loss not my children!

You need to move on and try not to involve them in your lives. Just pray that they will start to notice. Children grow up very fast and they are just simply missing out.

E. M

I'm sure its hard, but you can't make them want to see the children. I'm sorry for your heartache and I know it will continue. People are not always what we expect them to be and if they decide to miss out, then they only have themselves to blame later when the children are distant. My suggestion is to just quit making plans with them. If they want to see the children, let them come to you. If they make it, they make it. If they don't at least you didn't waste any gas or time. I wouldn't rearrange your schedule for them either. They will eventually come around. If not, then just keep in mind that you love your children and want to be with them and that's all that really matters.

i can't believe a grandparent who doesn't want to spend time with their grandkids. I love my grandkids and would like to spend time with them as much as I can. How old are the grandparents? Do their have other grandkids other then your kids? What about their other grandparents from the father's side? Do you have Aunts & Uncles? sometimes Aunts and Uncles enjoy spending time with their neices and nephews. My neice always enjoys coming over to my house, we often take them on picnics, camping, playing in the park, shopping or looking around at the mall.

My parents live out of state and rarely have the money to visit. My brother and I both live in TX and the last time they came to TX they went to visit him and had I not called them the day before they left they would have come in and out of the state without my knowledge. We live within driving distance and I would have loved to have driven to see them and my brother and sister in law and their kids (they were going in to watch one of the kids in a school play). My mother has played the role of martyr all of our lives and it is getting worse. My therapists said that it is pure selfishness on her part and that I sitting with her telling her how much I hurt and want to stop the cycle so why would I want my kids around that. Point taken. I will no longer try. I have decided if I have the time and the money to go see them - then I have the time and the money to take my kids elsewhere and create some awesome memories for us - just us- and that is just fine by me. I mean it is really ok with me. This is the 2nd year that we will be going for a week long trip to the beach and my kids are sooooo excited! It was hard on my hear for a little while but when I realized that all I want is happiness for my kids I let go of the frustration with my parents and moved on. I don't want to camp out with my feelings of disappointment and resentment. I feel what I feel and then keep climbing the mountain to bigger and better things. ( hahaha spoken like someone getting help) Good luck! Now, go love on your kids : )

It's a shame, but at least they are not meddling or trying to run your life. My feeling is that is more of a loss for them, I feel sorry for them. Just invite them to join you in family activities every so often and if they don't come, don't let that spoil your family fun. It's up to them to enjoy the blessings of grandchildren, it's too bad if they miss it.

my ex-in laws were (are) exactly the same. So we only invited them to the kids bday parties and big holidays, if they showed up, fine, if not, fine. They literally didn't see the kids at any other time and they live about 10 minutes away. Very sad, but for whatever reason, they just can't be bothered. And now that the kids are older (10 and 7) they (the kids) understand they only see them when they do and they don't really care either. So don't stress about it. Don't bother to make plans with them and only invite them to the "big" stuff. Good luck!

they are who they are. don't tell the kids anything, just let them appreciate whatever happens. you have to be the grownup here so your kids won't be hurt.

This has happend to me and continues to happen. I have had to come to accept the fact that my MIL is the way she is and that I should not expect anything more. The sad thing about this is that she only lives about 5 miles away and is retired. I hate it when she tells my husband that she would like to spend more time and see our daughter more but then nothing. This has happened ever since she turned 2 and also when my SIL had her last child at the age of 42 after having her two grown daughters move on their own. My MIL has her daughter all the time who is alot younger than mine. She is only 3 and my daughter is 9 1/2 yrs old. But then I have to stop myself and say that she has done this with all of her grandkids. Some more than others. I now say to myself and my husband is nowing saying it too is that it is what is and that it is her lost. We have explained this to my daughter and she too has come to accept and it does not bother her what so ever. She would tell her dad and I why are we soo upset when it does not bother her when it has always been this way. She has a good point.

Now as for my mother, she lives far away in another State but when she was here she would try and see her some but not like she did with my younger sister's kids. But I understand why she did what she did as they (my sister needed my mom). But its still no excuse.

But I will add this, I also have this problem with my siblings not spending time nor getting to know my daughter as I have with thier kids. I would have thier kids all the time when I did not have any kids. This has hurt me more than anything and has taken me a long time to come to terms with it. I have spoken my peace about it and at times things are better with my siblings. I now accept that from them.

My dad has not a whole lot to do with my daughter as well but then he did not with me as he did and still does with my siblings and thier kids. But that is okay.

My husband and I are both there for our daughter and both have explained this all to her. We also reassured her that she has done nothing wrong and that this is just how they all are. My family and my husband's family. Maybe one day they will come around but we are not holding our breaths. If it happens great and it doesn't then that's great too.

Its their lost that they did not take the time to do so. I just wish that it could be different as this is our only child and cannot have anymore and so that is why I guess this has hurt me soo much.

I know I will cherish every single moment that I have with our smart and beautiful daughter and make very moment meaningful and special for her.

That what I would reccomend that you and your husband do for your kids. Life is too short and to also realize that we can't change them but that they have to be willing to change themselves.