Grandparents Not Complying with Wishes

Speaking from the other side of the fence.

To be madly in love with another human being, to hold them in your arms and to want the world to acknowledge that they are the most beautiful child ever, can induce in type of insane thought cycles. "Oh look at him, he is so cute, I cant wait to see him taste a piece of this cake." It is not a thought of what would mom and dad want. I agree that it should be, but to be honest it is more a though about how much you love the child, how much you want to spoil that child, how much you love to see them happy, laughing and smiling.

Something happens within the heart of a grandparent and you begin to see your own children in the eyes of your grandchildren. You remember all of the times that you said no, all of the times you were too busy, and now here you are holding a piece of them in your arms. You can say yes, you now have the time, you now understand that life is too short to get all upset over the little things. Life is too short to get upset over spilled milk, stained shirts, or all of the things you said no to.

There is an insanity that comes with the birth of a grandchild. It is called love, unconditional love, with the understanding that comes with age, with life is short and soon you will be gone. You ask yourself if you will be around for the first birthday, the second birthday, first grade, or graduation. Your own siblings are getting cancer, your cousins and friends are dying. You look at your spouse and you see the age on their face and you are reminded each and every day that life is leaving you, and you may have a heart attack, have cancer, or die in your sleep before that little one even knows who you are.

We dont say these things out loud, but in our hearts we think them. And when we hold your precious little bundle we want to love them in that moment, at that time, because we not have tomorrow. Even if we are not that old, our bodies are reminding us that we are losing our strength, and we begin to see that the end comes with no warning sometimes.

So yes he should have agreed to honor your authority. He should have put aside his own thoughts, he own wants, his own desires, and given into what you wanted for that child. I do not disagree with you. But if he were to die today, he would have had very wonderful experience for the two of them. Maybe his insane love for that child goes deeper than you are aware of. I know that parents will take me apart saying if he really loved that child he would not have put his health at risk. I have been there with my own children and my own parents and mil. I have been so upset with them that I have had to leave in order to regain my composer. Now I am on the other side and I try to remember that my insanity is not an excuse. I see my own father, an invalid in a hospital bed and the way he looks at my children when they visit, I talk to him and I know the things he thinks about.

He talks about the things he did with them, the things he sahred with them, that is what he thinks about on his death bed now. I am learning about things that they did that I did not know about. I am seeing the twinkle in his eyes as he talks about it and the shy look on my kids faces as they remember and laugh. And then I see that the insanity is a 2 way street. I see how much it meant to my kids to know that the grandparents would break a rule and that they are as insane about their grandparents. I see that the memories they created with them, without my knowledge are the ones that have left the most impact.

Am I insane with love, yes. Most grandparents are. Insanity can make us do things that we later may regret, but it is not about you. It is about the love that grows so intense that you can not let go of it. Be upset if you must. Realize that the relationship goes beyond anything that can be explained. Be kind and understanding, firm and understanding, make you point. Remember that while they will try, most grandparents will cheat from time to time. I am sorry this happened, but I am glad that your grandson has a grandfather who has gone insane with love.

I have to disagree to a point with Suzi. The problem isn't really about the cake (although that totally sucks as he is so young). It's about the blatent disrespect your father-in-law showed you after you explained your concern. Maybe he was trying to save face in front of the rest of the family, but he was very rude to override you. And I think you have to have some ground rules or they (or anyone else) will just take advantage. I would hope that they would respect you more for being a thoughtful parent trying to make the best decisions for your child. This may take time, though. I do agree that you have to pick your battles (girl, have I been there!) but try to have a lighthearted response ready so as not to embarass him, and to clearly get your point across. In this situation you could've said something like, "Can I drop him off at your house if he gets a tummy ache due to his immature digestive system?" or swoop yout son up and say, "I promise, Grandpa, you can be the first in line to feed him cake when he's old enough, isn't that right, Johnny (insert your son's name here!)." Say it with a big smile and a playful jab so he knows you're not mad, but he'll also know that you're in charge. If this doesn't work or you don't feel comfortable in your relationship to being this overt, then have your husband sit down and explain to them that your position is also his position. He can do this lovingly and not defensive. But this is his family to raise and care for (not theirs) and that you both are so happy to have supportive grandparents for your son. Then, don't act weird around them. Just act normal, have fun with them and your son, go out of your way to plan events for them to be a part of. This way they'll know that you are not trying to disclude them. Sorry this is so long. I've been there and this is the way I try to cope. And I really do love and appreciate my in-laws even though they're not perfect either!

i COMPLETELY understand where you're coming from on this. my husbands dad did the same exact thing. we also felt very strongly about introducing foods very slowly and waiting until her digestive system was better developed before giving her anything unnatural..like cake.

I was so mad when he did it (he's not a good person to begin with though so that made it even worse) but my husband and i both told him not to give it to her at the same time and he looked at us and turned his back to us and tried giving it to her again. I was so mad..i said if you give that to her i will punch you and laughed a little like i was joking around cuz we too had a bunch of other family around but people could tell i was serious.

if i were you i would have your husband talk to him before your next visit and just lay it out for him where you guys are coming from. Let him know you were very uncomfortable with the situation because you didn't want to make a big deal of it in front of everyone but it was really sad (always better to say sad than mad) for you because you've been so careful with what he's been eating. Even tell him you're doing what the dr has recommended you do...throwing in the dr card can sometimes make it easier to put it on them instead of all on you. i would tell him too that in the future if you guys say no to something you'd appreciate it if he didn't make the situation uncomfortable for you and just respect what you say because there may be reasons for what you're doing that you don't want to get into in front of a bunch of people. maybe print out some information on the benefits of holding off on certain foods. I was personally upset too because I wanted my husband or i to be the ones to give my daughter her first "fun" food like that and that was taken away from us.

if he wants you to respect that "he's the grandpa" than he needs to respect that you're the parent and which one comes first....always the parent. Like someone else said..let him know that when he's old enough you'll let him know and he can spoil him then. there's plenty of time to come for that but the first year of their life is too important and you NEED to be able to look back and feel satisfied that you did everything you could to give him a great start in his first year.

being a grandparent is a privilge not a right.

good luck!

Amen to Cher's comments - and I am not even a grandparent.

Grandparent's don't last forever (well, except for in our hearts). Occasional indulgences through a grandparent won't ruin a child. I'm not saying they shouldn't honor your requests, but in the grand scheme of child/grandparent relations - how sweet is that love?

I was never really close to my grandparents - but always had "neighborhood grandparents" during my life. I treasure the memories of these people, which only make me wish harder that mine were either alive or lived closer to me growing up.

My kids are pretty close to their grandparents despite the distance. My Mom once told me, "Grandparenting is so much more intense than parenting - but without the guilt!"

Of course, if you are really worried about their indulgences damaging your child, maybe sit down and talk with them. It is your child, to raise as you see fit... but maybe if you could "cave in a bit" they may "hold off some"? I'm a bit of a believer in karma - let some things go and how much sweeter it will be when it is your turn!

I know you feel betrayed by his response. But you both are adults & should be able to move forward. Yes, you are your son's parent & the rule-maker for him. BUT, grandparents set their own rules....as you have know discovered. (& sometimes it really hurts.) I would bet that statistically, the answers posted are divided into parents saying be militant (he's your son) & grandparents saying try for patience/tolerance.

The problem lies in a "generational" difference of opinion. When your FIL was raising his kids, everything was allowed. It's only been in the past few years that such stringent dietary practices have come into play. This bears true even for my own children, ages 12 & 21.

At the pediatrician's request, my older son was placed on rice cereal at 3 1/2 weeks of age. WEEKS, not months. My younger son had a different pediatrician (we moved across state)....& he too was placed on cereal at a young age: 4 weeks. Both boys were on vegies at 3 months, fruits by 4 months, & meat by 5 months. Both fed "table" foods by 6 months, with peanut & milk withheld until 1 year. Cookies,cake, cheetos, pretzels, popsicles, processed cheese, hot dogs were all considered o.k. for this generation. Healthy choices were preferred, but not dictated. This dietary plan was prescribed by 2 different pediatricians at two different time periods. Both kids a.o.k., both kids never had digestive issues.

(time for a disclaimer: yes, my boys did eat some of those horridly-bad-for-you foods, but NOT on a regular basis....as opposed to most of the kids in our family. I did prepare most vegies fresh-cooked, not canned. & I did limit the amount of sugar, more than the fat. Most of my boys' cousins lived on cheetos for teething times, along with popsicles & KoolAid. I considered it a dietary nightmare then, & still now. There's a huge difference between an occasional treat & living on bad food!)

& now for the 2nd part of the problem with your FIL: you confronted an alpha male in front of other people, particularly his family. Waaay wrong thing to do! If you had backed out of the room, found your husband....& let him be the bad guy (if he chose to do so)......then the whole situation might have gone smoother. Basically, you confronted him/challenged his authority & he didn't back down. This is one of those huge "YIKES" situations that (as Moms & women) we have to deal with. It sucks, no matter how you look at it. He won, you lost. It hurts, it was a betrayal....but not the end of the world. Now the ?? is: do you have the type of relationship with him which would allow the two of you sitting down together & hashing this out? Because at this point, the whole family knows how you challenged him....& for future peace, this does need to be addressed. (I mean honestly, was there a single adult in the room who didn't realize what was going down?)

I do apologize if my words upset you. But this is what this forum is meant to do: to help us find answers. Sometimes those answers can hurt, sometimes those answers are completely contrary to your own personal mindframe... & sometimes those answers truly are personally distressing. I sincerely wish you peace.

You are not going to like my stance on this. I believe you are being highly disrespectful towards your father-in-law. Now, assuming your husband isn't 250+ pounds, didn't get fed sugar non-stop growing up, didn't lose all his teeth by the time he's 20, I will also assume that he is living and breathing just fine. In other words, his parents likely did a fine job with him.

You have every right to make your own rules at home. But in family gatherings and when grandparents are around you need to pick your battles. There are things worth fighting over. For instance, my mother left my 15 month old daughter outside on the front porch by herself! Also, my mother has been rude, very rude towards my daughter and done things to make my daughter feel less than everyone else. I won't let my daughter feel like a 2nd class citizen.

If you make a deal out of things like this now, you will have no standing at all with your parents when something that is actually important comes up. This may seem important to you now. But 20 years from now you'll realize just now unimportant it really is.

Here's what I do when it comes to treats.. I never bought ANY candy for Easter or Halloween because I knew my mother would. I never bought any candy canes and things like that for Christmas and I always bought clothing for gifts or something learning because I knew other people would do toys. Just think it through. Is this the way you want the next 18 years to go? You really need to pick your battles.

Suzi

As a mother of 8, grandma to 13, I can see both sides. You just need to decide what issues are ones to speak out on and stand firm and let the others go. Otherwise you'll have one set of family absent from your baby's life. Have your husband talk with them and pick which issues are the most important and if they can't do your wishes on those things then just say they will have to see the baby at your house. Be sure these issues are worth that cost to all of you. As I've grown older, and older, I see so many things I thought were major were not really major at all. Only my ideas. Love is forever and some day your little one may be eating all sorts of things at school that you don't even have control over. It happens even if you teach them your ideas. But I agree you are the parent they are the grandparents not parents so that issue is what I think needs to be addressed.
I hope you and your husband will pray about how to handle this and then let him talk with them about the roles and how they should work in this shared venture of loving your child.

Just a few quick things, since you've gotten several other responses:
* Your child, your rules when it comes to safety - and this is a safety (choking) issue.

* Grandparents not willing to respect your authority on safety issues shouldn't be permitted to take charge of the child outside your (or your husband's) sight.

* Your husband needs to lead the charge on this because it's HIS parents causing the problem. They're more likely to respond to his wishes.

* Make it clear that you consider this a HEALTH/SAFETY issue (not just arbitrary rule), and that you're not saying NEVER, you're just saying NOT RIGHT NOW.

* The person saying to kind of joke about you'll get to do it but not today is right on target.

* DO NOT BACK DOWN. This is just the start, and if you relinquish your authority now, you're setting a pattern for the future.

* Offer alternatives ("He can't have that cake, but he just LOVES strawberries - would you like to give him some of those?") that might suit the GPs' desire to be involved w/o causing you grief.

* Be clear about your expectations & anticipate problems so you can work into conversation "in a few months when he can have . . . ., we look forward to seeing what he thinks of . . . .". If they have in their minds what he's not allowed, hopefully they won't be so likely to feed him things you don't want him to have yet.

And, just so you know, DH & I have a GREAT relationship w/ his parents (our 18 mo. DD spends the weekend with them sometimes!) even though we started out a little rocky because they just didn't understand why we wanted certain things. The rules were very different when they raised their kids, so if you can help them understand that your preferences are to keep their grandchild safe from choking, food allergies, etc., then they can be motivated to do the same b/c of course they don't want to hurt their grandchild, either! :)

B., I view your feelings as this: due to the research on introducing foods too early (food allergies for the rest of their lives being one of the issues), you don't want the food introduced too early.

I completely agree and walked the same path. My aunt (whom I love dearly), tried to feed my 9 month old breastfed baby ice cream at a family gathering. AHHHHHHHHHHHH, dairy of all things! Her own grandchildren were formula fed, so they obviuosly weren't worried about the dairy thing, but I was!

I said, "she can't have that yet". My aunt said, "oh, it's just a little and it won't hurt her". I said, "yes, research shows it can hurt her and I don't want her to have it yet". It was a little ackward, but she stopped and I made sure to be calm and talk with her as usual (not act like I was upset or mad at her) and all was well afterwards. She has since told me she is very impressed with my mothering.

Having been in several ackward situations with people myself, I wish people wouldn't think it's ok to take risks with children so as not to hurt someone elses feelings. I know people who don't want to hurt other adults feelings, so their kids aren't buckled in the car right (afterall, that adults kids didn't even need a fancy seat and they lived). I know people who do all kinds of crazy things.

I think that one way to help your relatives when they aren't cooperating is to give them something to read. So, now, send Grandpa and Grandma magazine articles or print outs from the web. Ask them to read it and make a joke - 'just so you don't think I'm crazy'!

Having breastfed and then breastfed long term, I really had to get a thick skin. Sometimes, I felt like it was me and my baby against the world. I am basically shy, so it was hard for me to stick up for myself. But after a while (ok probably after a year or more), I would say, "we all used to use the outhouse too, but they invented indoor plumbing and now we don't".

At the end of the day, my beliefs were important enough to me that I was able to stand my ground(s) and know it wasn't about that person, it was about the health (and life-ling health) of my daughter.

There are so many things in life that we do not have control over. We can't buy something that takes away food allergies. We can't buy something that takes away cancer. We can't buy something that makes more IQ. But, we can do things in our babies beginnings that make a HUGE differance for the rest of their lives - and that money can't fix later. That's worth the world to me!!

So, put on your boxer stance and know you are doing a GREAT job! Educate the masses. They'll either read it and agree or not read it, think you are nuts - but at the end of the day, they'll probably listen! :)

Again, I couldn't have put this all in words when my daughter was 8 months old. She's almost 6 now, and this is what I learned helped over the years!

P.S. She had reaction to my milk intake and the dairy concil reccommeded that she not be given milk until 18 months because of it....oh the drama that caused! But, protecting her was worth the flack I had to take!!

Good luck, K.

Take this for what it is worth as I am sure many would disagree with me but we have had similar problems with Grandma in regards to feeding and naptimes. Not as big of a deal as feeding your 8 mos old cake (which I can totally understand why you do not want to do), but still not respecting our decisions as parents. What has worked for us is when Grandma contradicts something we wish for our daughter to do or not do ("She isn't ready for a nap...just look at her!" "She doesn't want to eat, she just wants to be held" which is a really bad one as we have weight gain issues "Just plop her in front of the TV...she likes it!" etc. etc.) I will just repeat our decision and pick her up (even if Grandma is holding her). Like if she is holding her and not wanting to feed her even though she has only had one ounce, I will just say "We really need her to eat some more. Don't worry, I will feed her and then you can play with her after we finish." Or if she is wanting to plop her in front of the TV, I will just pick her up and say something like "We don't want her watching TV just yet." I felt kind of pushy at first, but it is the only thing that has worked. And since I started doing that, Grandma has backed off a little. I am sure she still totally disagrees with our decisions, but that is okay. Not sure if this will work for you, but in our case Grandma is kind of strong willed :) Good luck!

Hi! I totally understand where you are coming from! My father-in-law tried to give our little girl ice cream & whip cream @ a family gathering in a restaurant. I was firm & said, "STOP! Right now she doesn't eat anything that doesn't come from me! The pediatrition doesn't even want me to give her water yet!" He huffed & puffed, but I stood firm. My daughter was 8 weeks @ the time & had yet only had breastmilk (that's still all she has had & she is now 11 weeks). I understand that these older generations did feed their babies stuff like this, but you must stand firm when they try to do it. At my wedding dinner 7 years ago, I watched my aunt (50ish & pure Italian) stick my nephews pacifier into a sugar packet & stick it in his mouth so he would take it & quit crying! He was only 10 weeks old!! If I had known then what I know now, of course I would have stopped her, but being as this is our first, I was not in the know. Maybe try & get the grandparents alone & tell them exactly what you've stated in your post. Then give them examples why you have chosen this method to introduce foods. In my family, being overweight runs in the family...I am a size 14. While I am quite muscular & strong, I am still considered obese. I gained 40 lbs when I got pregnant, & have 10 left to lose. I am on Weight Watchers & it is working well, but not as easy as I thought. My father-in-law is well over 300 lbs. This is one of the reasons I would like to follow my pediatricians advice...so maybe eating right & exercising will be a lifestyle for my daughter instead of a "diet", and she won't have to struggle with weight like some of us have.
You just have to be firm, & sometimes, downright stubborn towards them. They raised children, so of course, they feel they know more than you do. While this may be true, just gently explain that you are doing it "your way" & would greatly appreciate any help & support they would give. If you hubby is anything like mine, he has a very hard time saying anything like this to his father, so it is all on my shoulders, which makes it even harder. Then you are made out to be the B****, but oh well! It's your childs welfare! Sticks & stones & all that :) Good luck & stick to your guns!

Welcome to mother-hood. I think we all go through that. My mother-in-law let my daughter play with small maganets when she was about 8 or 9 months old. I told my mil that we didn't let her play with them she told me "it's OK because I'm here". Then about a 1 1/2 yearsafter that (I made the mistake of not saying something then!) She was letting the same daughter when was then almost 3, have a glass of water and play on the table with my husbands lap top. My husband told our daughter not to play at the table and to stay out of the wather. MIL told him that it was OK, she was there. He told her it wasn't and he wanted her to do as he said. My MIL is famous for telling our kids they can do the opposite as we say. It worked better for my husband to tell her, if I ever tell her anything then I'm being mean and just don't want her to have anything to do with our kids.

But I would suggest that your hubby sit down wtih your in-laws and tell them that while your happy to have them around and have them do some spoiling you do have some rules that you do want followed. Let them know some examples, like with the food. Even if they think it's OK to give your son a little cake, you don't want him having it just yet.

My Grandparents and Mother are better at this than my MIL (my MIL thinks that when she's around then she gets to make all the rules). My kids are 5 & 7 and my Grandma will always haller at me to ask if it's OK for my kids to have something before she gives it to them. And I've heard her say many times "would your mother let you do that?". She said it actually helps her keep them in line. She does cheat a little now and let them stay up late when they spend the night or let them have an extra treat. But things that we do not let them have, like soda, she does not waiver on.

With your in-laws you will have to be firm, but try to have your hubby talk to them first, that way the next time there is something they will either know that you don't want him to have it or they will at least ask you if it's OK. Then you can nicely say, no we'd rather him not have it right now. Good luck!!!

Good Evening B.,

Good for you and your husband to be concerned about what's best for your son!
I struggled with this and honestly have taken time to think on this, and sorry if it sounds like I"m "fence sitting" but I think you should be careful what you wish.
Your father in law apparently loves his grandchildren, be thankful. There have been recent posts about grandparents with less than ideal interactions with their grandkids. So on one hand I would be careful how you handled it. I agree with Suzi, your husband turned out OK didn't he? But I also agree that we are more aware now as parents. Meaning, even when I was a kid (47 years old) there weren't seatbelt laws. We drank from the hose in the summer. Didn't wear sunblock, (still don't but that's another conversation). I remember when one of my little brothers was sick the "remedy" was gelatin water. LIterally jello mixed in water but more water so I wouldn't set.

Now having said that. . . as a Wellness educator who teaches the risks and dangers of too much sugar, I understand your concern. BUT it was event for a short period. You control your son 99.9% of the time. I realize your son is young, but there are certain things allowed at grandma's house not allowed at home. Our kids are well aware of that and relish every minute of that time with their grandparents because they get the "forbidden fruit" so to speak.
Even the well meaning still may not live up to our expectations. My mother in law, who is an amazing woman, really she is amazing, thinks "Sunny Delight" is a good thing. Sunny D is nothing more than sugar water with artificial colors and flavors. There is little nutritional value at all! But it's a grandma thing.

Sorry, I'm rambling. I guess I really wanted to say, that in my opinion, there isn't a clear cut answer. It's not like your father in law is smoking while holding your son. Yet, I understand the risks and dangers of a life long sugar/sweet addiction too. Just be careful. Handle well because it sounds like your father in law wants to be a grandpa! Which is so rare. I wish my kids (18 yo boy and 14 yo girl) had some kind of warm relationship with either grandfather!

Good Luck

Lori K

Hi B.,

Wow, a lot of respnoses. I didn't have time to read all of them but breezed through. First, personally, I would wholey disregard anyone who says you are over-reacting or that your father in law has some sort of god-given right to feed your infant anything he pleases. You are absolutely within your rights to protect your child and monitor his intake, he isn't even 1 yet for goodness sake. Your son is going to be around for a long time, grandparents can start spoiling when he is 8 - not 8 months.

As for my situation, my son is a vegetarian by our choice (my husband has been veg for 9 years). The key to making sure everybody stays in line tends to require two things - (1) Consistency - Make sure that folks know the rules, what you are comfortable with and what you aren't. And, make sure that they understand no means no - grandpa had no right to keep stuffing cake into your kid when you made it clear it was against your wishes. At that point, I would have said you can spoil him when he is older, and taken him back physically to send a clear message. But, if you keep the message clear and show them what you want, folks do tend to understand and fall in line.
(2) Be aware of food situations - Any time we know that we are going into a meal situation, we tend to keep our son closer. Make sure he gets a meal that we are comfortable with and get him started eating before others. In a cake situation, I would just keep in closer when the food is served. Passing around your boy is great for when there isn't a food situation, but when it comes around, just sweep that little one up and make the decisions that are right for you in terms of what he eats.
In the future, maybe just be prepared for when this comes up to handle it with a smile and a consistent message. Grandpa will come around, even if he doesn't understand if you make your wishes clear and show him that you are setting the boundaries, I am sure he will abide. I doubt he meant any harm, people rarely do. But, you are the mama and you set the rules.

Hope this helps! D.

I too have similar experiences with 1 set of grandparents. We have 3 sets in our family and all 3 were over last mothers day. I had made a chocolate cake and ice cream to celebrate and a couple of them thought it would be funny to feed my 15month old daughter plenty of whatever she wanted, despite our protests. (while the others just sat back laughing and being amused at what the others braved to do) Later we paid for a whirlwind of a tasmanian 15month old. We told them the result of their actions and they just laughed it off. We settled with telling them next holiday there will be no cake, we will be serving vegetables! Sorry but we asked nicely. Maybe after a couple times they'll get the picture.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I have to disagree with someone who said that accidently discovering a food allergy isn't the end of the world. Both of my daughters have food allergies. We spent several hours in the ER with one daughter. Immediately after eating a certain food, her eyes swelled shut, she broke out in hives everywhere, and vomited repeatedly for hours. It was not fun and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. There are certain things that I take very seriously and food is one of them.

You certainly have to "pick and choose your battles" with grandparents, but ultimately YOU are the parents, and your wishes must be followed. Just as THEY got to make the decisions about the well-being of THEIR children, YOU get to make the decisions about YOURS!

Hello, I'm just going to say that I was very much like this when my daughter was brand new. She was my first (and only!). I have come to realize that in most cases, though they are veering from your "rules", what they're doing is not hurting anything and you must remember that they love and adore their grandchild almost as much as you do and would never do anything to hurt them. I was a total control freak (I see in retrospect)! Just because my ideas were new, a lot can be said for life experience. They've done this before.

Just my opinion, but my daughter is almost 9 now and lived through both sets of grandparents! And I, as the aunt, have given bites of cake and drinks of pop to neices and nephews knowing it wasn't going to hurt anything.

Hi B.,
I'm a Grandma and those Grandpas can be a handful
sometimes. They love to feed babies cake and especially ice cream. It seems Grandpa's attitude needs a little re-adjusting. Telling you that he is the Grandpa and he can do what he wants was the real problem.
How is grandma with your baby? Does she honor you and your husband as the parents or is she like grandpa? If she is fine then have your husband talk to her and let her straighten Grandpa out. Other wise your husband may have to sit Grandpa down and have the talk.

On the other hand I love your attitude! You are being very sweet and kind about this and I hope they realize what a lovely daughter in law they have.

Lighten up. When I was a first time mom, things that were so minimal--like the tasting of cake icing, cake or ice cream at a birthday party--use to upset me too. But when you really think about it, it does not harm the baby and I am sure that his grandpa was not shoving an adult size bite into his mouth. You are more upset because they are not "following" what you and your husband think is correct. Trust me on this one, this is a skill that will come to you in time...you will learn to pick your battles with your parents and in-laws when it comes to your child(ren). Otherwise, you run the risk of angering them and they may come to realize that they want nothing to do with your child(ren) if it comes with the price of you and your husband always instructing them on how to do things (nagging them). They successfully raised you and your husband didn't they? You have to remember that they know a thing or two about raising children. Give them a break...its not like your baby gets birthday cake everyday!

Hi there, You got a lot of great advice so take this with a "grain of salt" as they say. I am a grandma who has adopted my grandson - the trouble I have is with his mother, my step daughter. She sees him each weekend for a few hours (my choice) and there is alway food, lots of food. Because she had him for 9 months before I got him (he is 2 now) she thinks that she can do anything she wants to - including feeding him cake. I have calmly explained to her that he had allergies (to milk) and that she just has to ask me before she gives him anything. That works pretty good most of the time. But then a few weeks ago she decided to give him Mt. Dew!!! The kid was bouncing off the walls - then she went home! I let her know during the week that he was to NEVER have soda because it wasn't her eyes that he was trying to scratch out! Her response "I used to give him soda all the time when I had him and it didn't bother him then". My advice - be firm, and let grandpa know that he isn't the one that is going to have to deal with the consequences if something backfires. Good Luck.

The grandparents should comply with your wishes. You are ultimately responsible for your child's wellbeing. I think you should talk to the grandparents on a one to one or two to two basis and explain how you feel.

I totally feel your pain!! My in-laws are the same way. When our daughter was that age, we went to my MIL's bday dinner and when it was time for cake a comment was made about our daughter having some. Luckily I was holding her at the time. I said, not til her 1st bday. His whole family went nuts, oh, come on, blah, blah. We gave our kids cake and sugar and candy and they turned out fine! That's great, but this is MY kid.

Now when they babysit our daughter (20 mos) on occasion for the day, I will take all the food she needs for breakfast, lunch and snacks to their house (fruit, veggies, yogurt, cheese, etc). I put together a note that lists what to give her when. Inevitably, most of that food comes home with her later, and I'll find out she had Spaghetti O's and cookies. It's not that I mind her having junk occasionally, but it's the fact that they blatantly disregard my wishes.

I'm interested in reading others' feedback as I don't have a solution for this problem either. I really like my in-laws overall, but they don't like to hear what I have to say when I disagree with them. I'm always polite, but try to make my opinion very clear. It's not a huge issue since we don't often leave our daughter with them for long stretches, but it's the principle more than anything. Just know you're not alone!

When I saw the title of your question, forgive me, I thought you were going to write something whiney or petty. I used to be very uptight about rules everyone had to follow with my kids when over the years I've learned to mellow. HOWEVER, what you wrote is something I'd still be upset about today! I wouldn't want my 8 month old eating cake either! It seems very valid to me to wish to introduce him to only one food at a time; that's recommended. I'm on my fourth child (over a 13 year span) and we didn't give her any wheat until after she was a year old, as it's a common allergen and celiac disease runs in the family. So even "mellow" me would have been upset.

I'm also impressed with how you handled it; you seem to have grace. You seem totally right on with allowing your son to be spoiled but have your basic wishes respected.

I never did end up dealing with the situation well back when I was facing it. The best I can come up with for you is to come across with grace and humor instead of seeming overbearing and witchy. Maybe you can joke about grandparents spoiling children and calmly and very matter-of-factly say your doctor (or the more vague "doctors", which can refer to pediatricians in general if you haven't talked to you doctor about it) said he shouldn't have wheat yet (or should only try one new food at a time) and pick the child up (away from grandpa). I've been practicing saying things in such a way so they are just accepted as fact; I too often speak with some sort of hesitation or doubt in my voice. Maybe you can, too, and just make it seem like the truth it is instead of a You vs. Grandpa battle. BEST OF LUCK!!

**EDIT** After having read all the other responses, I'd like to emphasize some things I meant to say. I know it may seem your father-in-law was being blatantly disrespectful--that's part of what used to enrage me-- but in hindsight I see that's not the case. (Cher's writing was beautiful!) My husband did support me and do the confronting, but that didn't really help. What advice has been given that I do think will help will be not making this battle. Listen to all the advice that deals with approaching with love, respect, and humor!

I just saw this and did not read the responses, but my first thought was "HOW REVOLTING!!" I completely agree with holding off sugar for as long as possible! My son was about 15 months before he had anything sugary. (I even baked him a 'healthy' first birthday cake, sweetened with apple juice concentrate.)

The grandparents should defer to your wishes or, if it were me, they would no longer have any business holding/passing around my son! It is YOUR turn to rear YOUR child how YOU see fit! NO ONE is allowed give my son ANYTHING without my knowledge and consent!

Sorry, I just HAD to vent my opinion. If they can't respect your wishes in their home, perhaps they can only see him at your home, on your turf, with only your approved foods within reach!

Yes, parenting is not always easy. You are the parent with rules for your child and that is how the child feels safe. Next, grandpa could take your child in a car without a car seat like they did when he was younger too. You are the person that will keep your child safe, so say something. Pick up the phone and set it straight in a nice way. Good luck!
R. George
www.lovingyourfamily.com

You might have a sit down talk and explain to the grandparents what you are firm on (for me it's bed time). Explain what areas they can spoil the kids. Is it bed time, no bath, toys, control of the tv, choosing the restaurant (at a later date :) etc. Let them know you are willing to be flexible on MOST things but that these specific things must be honored.

I would have to disagree with Suzi too. As this is YOUR child, you and your husband have agreed to how he will be raised. Assuming that you two are in agreement, your husband should be the one to talk to his dad (as it will be your place to talk to your family) about the decision(s) that the two of you have jointly made. This does NOT mean that Grandpa should be talked down to, or be embarrassed, but respectfully informed of your wishes. The fact that he continued after you told him how you feel makes me wonder about the respect going both ways for the mother of his grandchild! It would be great if we could all get along, but face it - sometimes we don't. If the situation continues, I would limit the amount of "unsupervised" time that Grandpa has with your son. (I've told my FIL in a very nice way, that as long as I'm the one changing diapers some foods are not okay. If he'd like to keep his grandson for the next day or two to clean it that's okay with me! He stopped.)

We don't get to choose our families (in-laws included!) so some of this you will have to learn to adjust to if you want to be involved in their lives. It is hard to learn what battles to choose, but I think you're doing a great job. You and your husband are obviously wanting to provide the best possible choices for your soon - keep up the good work Momma!!

Hey! I have similiar issues w/ my in-laws. When my daughter was 1, they were offering her pop and when I said no, I was made out to look like the bad one (oh, Mommy says no). I had them watch her one evening with bedtime instructions. She typically goes to bed at 7/7:30 and I said she could be up until 8 but no later as she had a dance recital that weekend. Hubby and I got home at 10:30 and found her bouncing off the walls. Needless to say, they don't watch my kids at night anymore (oh, and she was a basket case at the recital!!).

It is a sticky situation. My son has a few health problems and I don't feel my in-laws fully understand everything, so I rarely ask them to watch him, and when I do, it's only for an hour or so. I would explain your desires with your child w/ the grandparents. If it's in-laws, make sure hubby is there for back up (my hubby can't stand up to his parents if his life depended on it, so I understand how difficult this can be!!) If the situation continues, you may just have to make sure you are not in that situation where they cannot follow your instructions, such as us not having the in-laws watch our son for more than an hour or so and they are not our evening babysitters as we can't ensure they will follow our bedtime routine (there have been other instances of this, not just the one time). It is hard as grandparents feel they are doing their job of spoiling, but sometimes we as the parents have to put our foot down when it goes against our desires or may put the baby in harm, such as our case if our son where to eat certain foods... Good luck!

Kudos to you for not making a scene; I would have, given that behavior and especially the response! You're the MOM, and what you say goes.

The best thing I have discovered is following the advice of Dr. Sears and making the pediatrician the scapegoat. Even if it's just something you read, saying, "We are doing it this way because the doctor says so," should make them listen. If they can't even respect that, then they get limited contact with your child. Period.

It will also be important to make sure your husband is 100% behind you on this, and even have him speak up, since these are his parents.

I had these same issues with my kid's grandparents. My husband and I have sat them down and talked them about our wishes when we were alone with them, and have had to pull them aside for a gentle reminder here and there. We started out by telling them that we didn't want our children to have a lot of the junk food, that we wanted them to be more healthy and make more healthy choices than what I had when I was younger. We have also told them of alternatives to give them. For instance, instead of having the fridge stocked with juice and the cabinet with cookies, we asked that they give our kids either milk or water and that if they wanted to give them "special snacks" to give them the ones that we have approved for them. I don't know how your son did with the cake, but my daughter got such bad diarrhea from her first cake encounter that I was off for 3 days with her. After that, I use that as the "gentle reminder" that if they give my kids something that in turn causes them to not be able to go to daycare, THEY are going to have to take off work and watch her so that I can still go to work. Amazingly, that usually works. Good luck, I know that it isn't easy.

Hi! This is a challenging issue and I feel for you! I would suggest that you ask your husband to explain to his parents that you and he would like them to ask before giving your son anything to eat or drink. If they refuse, then he needs to let them know that they will not be spending time with your son when food is being served.
Good Luck with this!

you and your husband should set down with the grandparents and have a talk with them about the things you both want them to know on how u want to raise your child and then hopefully at parties everyone will understand the do's and don'ts E.

We had issues with people looking at us like we were from Mars with your children. My younger son could not even take formula when he was a baby. As a breastfeeder, I could not drink milk and then nurse him. But people thought we were crazy for not giving him cake and ice cream at birthday parties. I would explain and explain why. Then, finally, after so many questions and so many comments over and over, I finally told them when they know more than the American Academy of Pediatrics, they can let me know. Or if they wanted me to call them in the night when he woke up with a stomach ache, they could feed him all the cake and ice cream they wanted to. (Of course, I would not have let them feed him anything, but it worked - lol).

K.

I say you have a right to say what goes on with your child and what goes in his stomach, you have a right its your child you gave birth to him, yes he maybe the grandfather but he isnt the childs parent, if you say no sugar foods right now then they should obide by your wishes. I know grandparents love to spoil grandchildren but their are other ways to spoil a child and not by giving them sweets at such a young age, I mean if he gave him a tiny bit I dont see the problem with it then you said no more and he kept feeding it to him, I would be upset. He will be having his cake on his 1st birthday.

I wish there were a good answer, and I'm so sorry. I had a very similiar situation with my son when he was about 8 mos. My husband's aunt fed him ice cream. This wouldn't have bothered me except that he's lactose intolerant. We had him on soy formula from about 3 mos on and now we have to watch how much dairy he gets or he's gonna have yucky diapers. This was no secret to anyone. The whole family, esp. my MIL was aware of the numerous stomach and digestive issues he had always had! His tummy was always very, very sensitive. When I found out I said "Oh he can't have ice cream". My MIL jumped all over me, it was just a little, it won't hurt him, ect., ect., I stood my ground and said that he gets Soy formula and we have to be really careful with dairy products. They backed off a little and another family member came to my defense. HOLD YOUR GROUND! My MIL still rolls her eyes when I say "Stephen doesn't eat/drink *****" but at least now she asks...some of the time. I've gotten to the point where I don't mind looking like the bad guy, he's not her son so she needs to respect my wishes. Hold your own, hopefully your hubby will speak up, but if not at least you'll be able to say you made your feelings known.

My daughter had a simular thing with the mother in law. She informed them they did not think it was time yet to have her introduced to certain foods because allergies can pop up. The mother in law dismissed her concerns at that moment but never did it again.
There is a fine line with grandparents because we grew up in an era of non chemical processed foods loaded with gluten. So we fed babies off our plates.
I would not take his remark to heart, but I would explain the glutens in foods cause serious allergis in kids and for the first few moths of introducing to foods you both need to be aware and monitor what he eats. Tell him I know grandparents get to spoil our kids but this could lead to a serious condition and I know you dont want that. Also if it is an in law then have hubby do this. if it is yours then you do it. But remember this is not that serious of an issue to cause you to stay away from the family.
Remember how your granparents were with you also, This generation is so different to the grandparents as I can see and when you chastice one you make them feel like they must not have done a great job on there own. Remember one thing even though you are doing it for the safety of your child, pick your battles because to many no's can keep them away in fear they cannot meet your expectations.

Dear B.,
If you cannot bring yourself to take a tough stance attiutude with your child's grandparents then you have two choices; 1. Just take it 2. Keep the child away from the grandparents. If you choose number 2 you can bet your bottom dollar that you will be asked why you are doing this. You will have to be honest and set your requirements. It is tough but you will have to be honest. Use a conciliatory tone but be firm. Face it. This is just practice for setting boundaries later on for your child(ren). Remember that by being firm and loving you may be able to satisfy everyone, but if you give in to the grandparents and feel that your basic rights as a parent have been infringed you will not be a very happy or content parent. There is a lot of responsibility in being a parent and it is up to you to decide how much you will bend and when you will hold the line. Hope this helps and gives you a little support. By the way I am a mother and grandmother.