Grandparents - How Much Time?

It seems to be challenging for families to find the right balance with grandparents visiting. The questions on this site are either about meddling grandparents or grandparents not involved enough!

My 10 year-old daughter's grandparents are all deceased. So I would be glad that your mother is involved at all.

I'm a grandmother of 4 now. I see them fairly often, three of them live close, but I usually wait for a specific invitation or request to watch the kids from their parents. Otherwise, I assume they are involved with leading their family's life, and I'm living mine. I am totally guilty of the "you kids need to come to visit me at the lake soon" kind of statement, then the days and weeks fly by and we don't arrange a date.

I suggest making specific invitations - "The kids would love going out for ice cream with you. Does Tuesday or Thursday at (whatever time) work for you?" "We're planning a trip to the park on Wednesday, could you join us?"

If that doesn't work, then reset your expectations. And your children's. They are unlikely to be disappointed unless you show them that you are.

3 moms found this helpful

Can you take the kids and join her for lunch at work?

Maybe invite her to dinner at your home ,so she will not have to cook.

Invite her to breakfast at your home.

You may need to go to her. I know I am only 51, and I am exhausted after working all day. I can hardly wait for bed.

2 moms found this helpful

It sounds like your mother has a very busy lifestyle. It's unfortunate that she doesn't care to spend time with her grandchildren, but that's her choice to make. I know that it's difficult for you, but the more you push the issue the worse the situation will become.

My MIL did not work and enjoyed spending time with her granddaughters when she was alive before she became ill. Although she did not work, she had many clubs and activities that kept her busy, but she did make time for the girls.

1 mom found this helpful

My parents are retired and when they still lived here, they spent all kinds of time with my first child...it was their first and at that time only grandchild and I am their only child. Now they've moved across country for the weather so we only see them twice a year, for two weeks at a time, but that's nonstop visiting for the entire 2 weeks.

My in-laws work full time or more, have tons of grandchildren, are taking care of their own parents in caretaker roles, etc etc etc and they still find time to spend with the grandkids. They usually make it over about once a week, even if only for half an hour...and about once a month they stay for a few hours or we all go do something. I stop over at their house about once a month with the children.

I'm sorry your mom seems so distanced...there's something else going on that needs to be addressed besides her "busy schedule."

1 mom found this helpful

Both of my son's grandparents work full time, infact grandma is a genius in her field and is contracted out as well as a manager in her full time office and can easily work 60hrs/wk. We see grandma and grandpa on the weekends, maybe every other or so for a few hours, sometimes the day or for a sleepover. It just depends on the week, what is going on for all. We live about 10min away as well if that gives any perspective.

Flip note - my mom is one to live her own life and se the kids/grands when she can and is kind of like your mom in that regard. She told me point blank - I will not be a babysitter or day care. I am fine with that - we live in different states (but my sister and she live in the same state) and she sees my niece about once a month on average unless she is working - she travels for work for months at a time.

I think you need to realize that your mother has a life too and is trying to balance everything and instead of harping on her about seeing the kids how about you say, "Mom, you have been working so hard lately what can I do to help free up some of your time so we can visit?" Maybe it is as simple as grocery shopping for her and you all spend time together afterwards. OR WITH her.

1 mom found this helpful

My mother would tell your mom that she's missing out big time! My mom is a VERY involved grandmother. She doesn't work, but has Fibromyaligia (a debilitating disorder) that causes her to feel ill most of the time, but she is still very involved and spends loads of time with her grandkids. Her mother, my grandmother, worked full time and although we lived just one town over, we rarely saw them. She was exhausted from working, and they liked their Saturday evenings to go out with their friends. I really just remember seeing her on birthdays, holidays, and a very occasional Saturday or Sunday afternoon. My mom vowed to be a more hands-on grandma, and she is!

Maybe you could just frankly ask your mom why she doesn't make the time. I would just say "Little Johnny's still waiting for that outing you promised him on April 27th"

we used to live 2 miles from my mom and I think she took the time fro granted what she would see them. We now live about 20 minutes away and when she sees them she talks about how long it has been since she has seen them. But she doesn't make any effort to see them. My MIL has always been distant. Everything must be on her terms. It is a big deal if she ever makes herself available to watch my kids. Two weeks ago my regular sitter was out of town and I needed someone to watch my kids for a few hours for 2 days. MIL was actually able to. I think in those 2 days she realized how much fun my 2 girls are (ages 7 and 4) and all of the fun things they say and do. She asked to watch them the next week one day. which my husband oblidged to and we had to cancel (and pay for) the other sitter still. They live 45 mins away so I know that is a factor. But we are always inviting them to do stuff NEVER the other way around.

My mom works F/T & my son probably spends the nite at her house , maybe once every few months & that's being generous.she will stop by & visit or stop by sporting events. My husbands parents are worthless grandparents.

I lost my mom almost 6yrs ago, so she never got to meet my girls. That will always make me very sad. My dad still works fulltime but we try and see him every other wkend or so. But we talk to him everyday. My husband's mom has been retired since a yr or two before our girls were born and we haven't seen her in a month. In her defense, she is taking care of her elderly mother. However, it is a struggle to do things with her.even before she started caring more for her mom. I ask all the time, offer to go by her, offer to go the the zoo, or park, offer to help her with her mother but almost always turned down. Have invited them up here for dinner, maybe have accepted 2x's. It is disappointing but I feel like we are doing what we can on our end to stay connected. You can't make anybody do anything they don't want. But I do feel very sad for my girls and my husband that she doesn't make more of an effort. My husband's father has been pretty absent most of his life, so we see him once or twice a year at Christmas or bday parties.

my mother in law works grave yard shift full time. She hasn't been to our house to see the kids since March. We have gone to her house but she doesn't play with them. She is usually cooking or doing something else. Never spends quality time with them. My parents live in another state, so we are lucky if we can see them once a year, but we do skype a lot!

My mom doesn't work but my stepfather does. They live a few streets over and they see our children maybe once a week or every other week. It doesn't bother me that much. We have a crazy life and they busy with their stuff. She makes a point every now and then and takes the fishing or to the park with my stepdad and brother and grabs them a drink,nugget or something on the way back to our house.They will keep or visit a hour or so. My inlaws come up once a week. Mostly saturdays.They visit about a hour also. My father in law works but my mother inlaw doesn't a the moment. They make a 45minute drive to our house. We visit them at times also. My father lives in the same city as my inlaws. After some family issues we stop talking for a while but are back on talking terms. He doesn't see his grandkids unless we go down to his house. He hardly calls me. Usually i have to call him up. He works about, i'm guessing 40 hours or more a week.I always tell him he can see his grandkids or call to talk or whatever. But he doesn't. He wasn't there for us when we were growing up. He worked alot. You would think he would change all that. Now i knew my father comes to our town to drop something at my sisters(who lives a few minutes from where i do) but he never stops over here. I makes me sad,aggravte etc. But you can't control people. That his lost,not mine!

Please re-read Sue's answer. Issue specific invitations, rather than "suggesting" that "she could leave a bit earlier and stop in to see them." Reading that, do you see how vague it is? It leaves her all the wiggle room in the world because in her busy life she may not ever find time to just "stop in." So drop the high expectation that she's going to carve out time casually and that she's going to take the initiative like that. If you mean she begins her work shift at 3, well, it can be tough to get out of the house early even if it seems doable to you, plus she may have her mind on work issues and not be able to give the kids the attention you'd want. How late does she work in the evenings? How late does she need to sleep in the mornings? What other chores and responsibilities does she have at home? Isn't it possible there are things she does that you're not fully aware of? Give her the benefit of the doubt on that.

So...be specific. "Jack's preschool class is having its fall (whatever event) on (date, time). We're inviting you to come. We can pick you up and bring you with us." Or specific dinner invitations on weekend when she is free. If you're taking her out, offer to pick her up. If she works evenings, meet her for lunch or brunch or whatever meal she has during the week. As your kids have more events and activities, invite her. If she does not always come you may find yourself writing another Mamapedia post: Why doesn't my mom come when we invite her? But you at least will have made the effort. Yes, of course it would be good if she made the effort on her own -- but why not be the bigger person and try more specific inviations yourself?

Another aspect: Frankly, some grandparents are not that into the grandkids' lives until the grandkids get older. She may have been fine with you when you were a younger kid, but now it's been a very long time since she was around small ones.She may find them tiring, or not really know how to play with or interact with them. It's not wrong or bad of her if she feels that way; it's not that unusual for older folks to feel like they're not into very small kids. She may change as they get older but you can help her make that change by inviting her to specific (and time-limited) events with them. Maybe she's just not good at casual drop-in-and-visit but would surprise you by being good with doing specifically planned things that have a definite starting and ending time.

This comes up a lot on Mamapedia -- the local grandparent(s) whom the poster feels just don't see enough of the grandkids. But please take one step back and remember --you still have your mom. Many of us have zero grandparents in the picture because they're no longer alive or live thousands of miles away (that's our case; both parents dead on my side, parents in another country on my husband's).

My ex-ils would only see the kids when their daughter (kids' aunt) came in for her yearly visit during Thanksgiving weekend. (one *he* told me I was not welcome there, it was up to them to get it done - ha) Pretty much every time they came back, p-gma would be in the vehicle, too, promising them they'd call and she'd take a day off work and do something. Let's just say, those kids are now 29-30 - and never got that call! (Now, funny thing is, she OWNED the store - should be pretty easy to get a day off!)

You are going to get such a wide range of answers because people/personalities are different. Sue's suggestions are excellent, though.

My parents work full time. They own their own business, but it is very demanding. Even so, they cherish time spent with family, and see my kids at least once a week, sometimes more. We live close, only about 15 minutes from each other.

Sometimes they will offer to pick up the kids from school and spend the afternoon with them, other times they will call and see if they want to go somewhere with them just because they heard about something interesting going on in the area, often I will drop by with the kids, or we will all have plans together. We are a very close family.

My husbands mom is different. She lives in another state, but even if she was here, I don't think she would be as involved. She obviously loves the boys, but kids seem to make her nervous. I don't think she would want to have them around very often unless we were there, too, and I have very calm children (and old - 8 and 14). That's fine. When we see her, we all do things together.

I used to get upset because of the way my MIL acted about/around the kids, but I adjusted my expectations and accepted the fact that she was different than my parents. She isn't as affectionate or as comfortable with children, but she still loves them. Now things are much better. Maybe if you adjust your expectations, and also try Sue's suggestions things will go more smoothly.

Good luck. I know it can be difficult.