I would appreciate any advice you could give on this - or just any words of encouragement to get me through this weekend. My daughter's Bat Mitzvah is this weekend. We are so excited and so proud of her, as is the rest of the family. The problem is my parents. They have been divorced since I was 5 and they have never gotten along. A little back story - my father has made a lot of changes in his life the past 5 years or so. He has moved to Isreal and joined an Orthodox synagogue and has become very observant. The rest of my family are members of a Reform Synagogue.
The issue: In the beginning of the service it is customary in my congregation (and probably others as well) for the grandparents to present the Bar or Bat Mitzvah with their very first tallit (prayer shawl). I really wanted my parents to do this together because they are her grandparents (my husband is not Jewish so his parents cannot do this). My daughter also wanted them both to do it. My father wants to give a short speech and my mother actually agreed to stand next to him so that they could both do this together. However, when told my dad he adamantly refused to stand next to a woman who is not his wife on the bima. So my mother is extremely upset, crying, yelling at me to fix it. Saying if doesn't like it he should just not come. She is paying for most of the reception because we do not have the money (she offered, otherwise my daughter would have had a much smaller get together). And she is using that as the reason - saying she is paying for everything, he does nothing and he shouldn't get the honor. She feels like she is being left out. I have tried to offer a compromise - for her to present something special during the service (perhaps some nice shabbat candleholders), just seperately from my dad. She says "I don't need you to make up something for me. If he has a problem being up there then he doesn't need to go up there. That's his problem" Of course I can see her point. I think my father is being ridiculous, but the fact is, this is not her day and this not my father's day - this is my daughter's day. And she doesn't need to be involved in all this fighting over who paid for what (my father paid for the tallis), who won't stand next to whom, etc. They are acting like children and have put me in the middle of the negotiations because of course they don't talk to each other. There are other parts of the service that my mom can participate in as well, but she is stuck on this part. I just don't know what to do. I am already so stressed out trying to get everything ready - I don't need this nonsense on top of it.
A lot of really good suggestions. Thank you everybody. I think it's a great idea to ask the Rabbi what he thinks. I would like to have him talk to my dad. I also liked the idea of having them stand on the floor in front of the Bima - that may solve the problem if everyone can agree to it. Hopefully the Rabbi can help us to sort this out so that everyone is happy.
Excellent answer from Diane B.
I, too, would talk to the rabbi and ask for his help in resolving all this. He may have some idea you haven't considered.
As a Reform Jew, I'd say your father is being selectively Orthodox. He won't stand next to his ex-wife, but he's willing to put a tallis on a girl? He's going to be in a synagogue where women are singing and chanting, as full participants in the rituals? But isn't that against his principles? There are women in Israel (Women of the Wall) fighting for the right to pray at the Western Wall, and they are being denied access, taking heat for wearing the same tallis your father is arguing about.
I'd be very careful about any speech he wants to give as well. I would discuss this with the rabbi - you don't want a scene before the whole congregation (especially on Shabbat) but it's hard to stop something once it gets started. If he were to use this as a platform for espousing certain beliefs and in any way denigrating the practices of the synagogue, it would be a huge violation of Torah! Your father should be espousing "Shalom bayit" or "peace in the house." If he's going to kvetch about how many aliyahs there are (if less than the Orthodox 7) or who drove their cars on Shabbat, that's a terrible thing.
Does your congregation have the ritual where the Torah scroll is passed from one generation to the next? If so, then have your mother do that - it's even more meaningful, in my opinion, than placing the tallis on her shoulders. You can give your mother one of the aliyahs if you haven't already, and perhaps have her stand with you and your husband if you have the last aliyah before your daughter. What about the Torah procession? Who's in that? If everyone, fine. But have your mother walk immediately behind you, and you behind your daughter.
The candlesticks are nice gesture but in many congregations those come from the president or the head of the sisterhood, whoever is donating them. So your mother might not feel this is special enough.
Are your husband's parents participating in any way? A lot of synagogues have specific and acceptable roles for the non-Jew, such as opening the doors of the ark. If you separate all the grandparents into different roles or honors, it lessens the importance of the one particular role with the tallis.
It's not about who's paying for it. It's about who's involved in your daughter's life. That should be everyone. If your mother has a greater role in her life, then she gets center stage even if Grandpa gets the tallis. Your husband's parents are just as important as grandparents, even though they are not Jewish. So I think it's okay for your parents to have separate functions and not be together physically, just as your husband's parents do other things.
I'd talk to the rabbi, who probably deals with this stuff all the time and who is the spiritual leader of the synagogue. Based on that, you (or you and the rabbi) can discuss with both parents the whole concept of your daughter taking on the adult mitzvot at 13, while the grandparents act even less adult. They need to put aside their differences (in their feelings about each other, in their level of observance, and in the way they've pushed your daughter aside).
To the extent that you can leave your daughter out of this, it's better for her. Otherwise, try to minimize it and talk about how she's being so adult and calm and focused on what's important!
Your father is in the wrong here. Your mother was prepared to be gracious and go along with him. He refused to do so, so he loses out. Tell him thanks, but if he won't graciously present with your mother, you'll have just your mother present.
This has nothing to do with who did or didn't pay for anything or who is more orthodox. Your father is being ungenerous and unyielding in his stance so why would you reward him with this honor?
I'm Jewish (Reform), so I understand the challenge of trying to work with the religious requirements of differing traditions. Maybe the first thing you need to figure out is whether your father is taking this stance based on his genuine understanding of Orthodox law or whether he's making this interpretation as a way to diss your mother. If it's the latter, then telling him that he's heading towards hurting his grand-daughter and he needs to change his behavior. After all, I bet he's willing (and able) to stand next to you and next to his grand-daughter on the bima, and you all aren't his wives, right? If it's the former, maybe he can talk to his rabbi about how ex-spouses are allowed to interact and what kind of compromises they can come up with halachically.
If he ultimately says he will not present the tallit with your mother and it will be important for your daughter to have that symbolic moment of both grandparents handing the heritage down to her, then maybe your mother can give her the candlesticks right after he hands her the tallit and descends from the bima (or hand the Torah to her). Sure, it would be nice if your parents could set aside their issues, however that may not be the case, and your daughter will need to adjust her expectations accordingly.
Sounds like BOTH of your parents need to hear the message about focusing on your daughter's happiness! Deliver it gently and with love. Good luck with it, and mazel tov!
[ETA: Ditto to what Diane B said about the contradictions in his position. Sounds more like he's trying to diss your mother. And indeed make sure he is reminded about the importance of minhag, respecting the custom of the individual synagogue, in terms of what he says in his speech.]
I have to say that I agree with your mother. They should both stand up there together, not as husband and wife, but as your daughter's grandparents. I think YOU should call your father and tell him exactly what you put here in the last 9-10 lines or so of your post. He needs to quit being a big baby and be there for his grandaughter.
ETA: They can both be silly about this....and both potentially miss out on a major event in their granddaughter's life.
I think you should make a new tradition and present the tallit to your daughter yourself. Yes your dad is being unreasonable from everyone's perspective except his - but since he's now orthodox I assume his religious beliefs are contrary to this. Your mom want to be in the traditional role - that's reasonable from her perspective. Bottom line both of them have to agree to do this and that's not going to happen.
Traditions all began somewhere - maybe you can start this one. Mothers determine the child's faith in Judaism, there has to be situations where there are no grandparents, or they are not able to be there. You can't be the very first mother to present the tallit to her child.
Calm words heal - talk lovingly to your mom. Explain that since you can't get these this to happen the way you'd like that you'll present the prayer shawl and she can, at the reception, pray over your child.
Lets face it, a generation or two ago girls didn't have a Bat Mitzvah - only boys had Bar Mitzvahs. So in itself it's a tradition that started up not long ago (by Jewish standards a generation is a drop in the bucket of time!)
You are in a tough spot that children of divorced parents just shouldnt have to be in. Here you thought that since you're grown up you wouldn't have to deal with this nonsense! If a conversation isn't possible if your mom is too upset, then send her a lovingly prepared note.
Deep sigh - this stuff is just not easy!
I completely agree with Diane B. If he can come to a Reform temple and allow a girl/woman to wear a tallis, why can he not stand on the bima next to his ex wife. If he refuses to be reasonable (the day is not about him), your mom should present the tallis alone or with the other grandparents. Our congregation allows a non Jewish parent to come to the bima with a Jewish spouse when their child is a bar/bat mizvah. I am pretty sure the same rules would apply for non Jewish grandparents. Have you spoken to your rabbi about this?
I would bring it to the rabbi, especially if he's very orthodox now and refuses to stand near her in a situation that makes it appear that they are together (did I get that right?).
I would also discuss it with your DD. She is a woman now (or will be seen as such) and she may need to understand that if Grandma and Grandpa cannot do this, then it is better to choose someone else or to change how it will be done.
I would also remind them both just what you said here - it is not their day. It is their granddaughter's day and if they are going to play tit for tat, someone else will receive the honor of the presentation. They do not get to ruin her day. If they put you in the middle, then be Solomon and tell them that you'll cut the baby in half, so to speak, and nobody gets it.
your father is wrong - this day is about your daughter, not him, not your mother. sounds like your mother is willing to bend, but you're attempting to have her bend too much(especially considering that she is financing this). you and/or your rabbi TELL your father what his part is, he chooses to do/not do it, and you go from there.
Oh, these grownups acting like children! (Large sigh)
Hand this one over to your Rabbi to settle. I would venture to say this isn't the first time this situation has arisen.
oh boy! When my best friend was getting married her parents were going through a divorce. At rehearsal her mom REFUSED to move to let her dad sit down in the pew. There was so much anger.
The minister did talk with her. She emphasized that the day was not about HER, it was about her daughter's marriage and she needed to remember that. Luckily at the wedding she "behaved" beautifully and even posed for a picture with my friend, her new husband and her dad.
I think talking with the Rabbi is a good idea. Perhaps you could also mention to your dad that this is not about him and, regardless of his relationship with your mom, they are BOTH the grandparents of your daughter. Honestly, it almost sounds like you need to tell HIM that if he can't "play nice' he can't play at all. Perhaps the idea that his family and friends will see that he chose not to be involved in his granddaughter's important ceremony will hit him hard and he will see reason.
Good luck. I really hope that this all works out for you. This should be such a joyous occasion. Please do your best to focus on that and your daughter.. (hugs)
This might be something that you should ask your Rabbi to help out with. Your Dad is being a spoiled little child and so is your Mom
I think you should call your father and tell him that if your mother can't stand up there with him then he will not be giving a speech. Let him know that you understand his newly found and more observant religion, however, this is not about how he feel, it's about his granddaughter. She would like both grandparents up there - please put your feelings aside for the day and grant her wishes.
If he can't agree to that, then he sits down and watches. Either you compromise or you get nothing. Not his day. And not even his synagog anymore. Good luck!!
You father is totally out of line. They would be standing there are your daughter's grandparents not as husband and wife. If his beef is standing next to someone who is not his wife on the bima then he should stay on the floor and do his speech from there allowing your mom to stand on the bima next to her granddaughter. Or your daughter could step down to floor level and be with both grandparents and after the presentation your father could step up to do his little speech.
Dad needs to remember that this is not his day. It's a day to celebrate his granddaughter.
They ARE acting like children. I hope your Rabbi tells you and your parents that this special holy ceremony is about your daughter, and it's not about them and their egos. They need to put themselves aside for one day and be the adults they think they are. If they can't behave, then maybe they don't get to participate at all.
Your father is the one creating trouble. If he can't do it the way that he is being asked to do it, then he should be removed from the program in that capacity.
I am not Jewish. Based on what you describe here, it seems like your dad is using this ceremony as a chance to both hurt your mother and to pontificate about his particular religious views/beliefs. Neither are appropriate. I do not have any suggestions for you, but there are many good ones here. I will say that it is important that you resolve this conflict with dignity and love because there will surely be other important family/religious events. Better to figure it out now rather than re-hashing all of this as your daughter grows up and get engaged, married and them becomes a mother herself. Good luck.
ADD: I love Doris' suggestion re. talking to the Rabbi. Have THEM deal with this if you can.
ORIGINAL: Your father is wrong. This is not his day. If he cannot honor your daughter, respect you, and respect his ex wife, then he doesn't have to participate.
Quick question - do you know/respect his new wife? Has she been a decent grandmother, or at least respectful to your mom?
If the answer is yes, all 3 of them can present it. The adults need to act like adults.
This is HER day, not theirs. Tell them that, and that you're not going to put up with anyone making this day about themselves, when it is her day.
what crappy parents.
:(
sorry. but it sucks that they're putting you so squarely in the middle, and not considering the girl who IS actually at the center of this day.
no suggestions, but i hope it works out.
khairete
S.
